Chapter XII (6)

¶ And if any one of these be an open hearted and upright character, or have not done any wrong to the people, by word or deed, so that he be not like unto the HOST OF CORRUPTION; the Minister having knowledge thereof, shall call him, and advertise him, that in anywise he presume not to be a partaker of the LOAVES and FISHES, until he hath openly declared himself to have truly repented and amended his former naughty life, that CORRUPTION’S HOST may thereby be satisfied, which before were offended; and that he hath recompensed the parties, by declaring himself to be in readiness so to do, as soon as he conveniently may.

¶ The same order shall the Minister use with those betwixt whom he perceiveth malice and hatred to reign; not suffering them to be partakers of the LOAVES and FISHES, until he know them to be reconciled. And if one of the parties so at variance be content to forgive, from the bottom of his heart, all that the other hath trespassed against him, and to make amends for that he himself hath offended; and the other party will not be persuaded to a Ministerial unity, but remain still in frowardness and the OPPOSITION: The Minister, in that case, ought to admit the penitent person to a share of the plunder, and not him that is obstinate. Provided that every Minister so repelling any, as is specified in this or the next paragraph of this Rubrick, shall be obliged to give an account of the same to the CABINET, within fourteen days after, at the farthest. And the CABINET shall prevent the offending person from receiving either SINECURE, PENSION, or PLACE OF PROFIT.

¶ The Table at the Cabinet dinner having a fair white damask cloth upon it, shall be covered with every luxury the earth produceth, and all Members to be there invited that shall accede to the foregoing rules, at least seven days before the opening of Parliament, there to hear repeated the Regent’s Speech, and Address thereon, and to rehearse the debates that shall be made on the said Speech and Address, also to be well acquainted with the amendment that shall be proposed by CORRUPTION’S BEST ALLIES, the WHIGS. Dinner being over, the Minister at the head of the table shall first repeat the Regent’s speech as followeth:――

We lament that our Father[347] is still secluded, hallowed be thy name, Our kingdom come, our will be done in France and Ireland, as it is in Great Britain. Give us this year, our women and wine, and forgive us our debts, that we may be enabled to satisfy those to whom we are indebted. And lead us not into danger, but deliver us from the disaffected. Amen.

THE ADDRESS.

High and mighty Prince, unto whom our hearts are open, our desires known, and from whom our secrets are not hid, gratify the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of thy goodly Places and Pensions, that we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify thy name; through the mediation of Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

¶ Then shall the Minister, turning to the HOST, rehearse distinctly, all the TEN COMMANDMENTS; and the HOST, sitting open-mouthed, shall, after every Commandment, ask the Prince mercy for their transgressions thereof for the time past, and a Pension to keep the same for the time to come, as followeth:

_Minister._ The Prince spake these words, and said; I am the Prince thy Ruler: thou shall seek no other Prince but me.

_Host._ O Ministers, place a Pension upon us, that will incline our hearts to keep this law.

_Minister._ Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven image of Bonaparte, nor a caricature likeness of any thing belonging to the Court or its Minions. Thou shalt not express pleasure at seeing them in the houses of others; for I the Prince thy Ruler am a jealous Prince, and intend to protract the wretchedness of the Fathers upon the Children, unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me, and to extend sinecure-offices and pensions unto thousands in them that love me, and keep my commandments.

_Host._ O Ministers, be lavish upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

_Minister._ Thou shalt not expose the name or character of the Prince thy Ruler to contempt, for the Prince will not hold him guiltless, that speaketh disrespectfully of him.

_Host._ O Ministers procure us a title, to incline our hearts to keep this law.

_Minister._ Remember that thou attend the division; at all other times thou mayst be absent, and do that thou hast to do, but to be in the division is thy duty to the Prince. In it thou shalt do as the Minister doth, for his majority compensates for his want of ability, and enableth him to create, or destroy; to suspend the laws, or enact new ones; to keep a large Army to stifle the cries of the hungry, to use the bayonet, instead of granting Reform; wherefore the Minister blesseth the majority and sanctifieth it.

_Host._ O Ministers withhold not our Pensions, but incline our hearts to keep this law.

_Minister._ Honour the Regent and Lord Castlereagh, that thy seat may be long in the Parliament, which the Boroughmonger hath sold to thee.

_Host._ O Ministers bestow your gifts upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

_Minister._ Thou shalt not say that a PRINCE, or a DUKE hath committed MURDER.

_Host._ O ye PRINCES and DUKES be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to set aside the law.

_Minister._ Thou shalt not say the PRINCE committeth adultery.

_Host._ O Prince be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to pervert the law.

_Minister._ Thou shalt not hesitate to procure false witnesses against those whom we fear.

_Host._ O Ministers be mindful of us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

_Minister._ Thou shalt not covet the company of Reformers, nor be found with them, nor consent to any of their ways, nor be with their wives or servants, or any thing that is theirs.

_Host._ O Minister by the continuance of our Places, our Pensions, and our Sinecures, write all these thy laws in our hearts we beseech thee.

¶ _Then shall follow the Collect for the Ministry belonging to the House of Lords._

_Let us Pray._ Mighty Prince whose kingdom may not be lasting; whose power is finite; Have mercy upon the whole Host; and be so ruled by thy chosen servants, Liverpool, Sidmouth, Eldon, and their associates, that they (knowing whose Ministers they are) may above all things aggrandize themselves and dependents; and that we (duly considering under whose authority we are) may faithfully serve, honour, and humbly obey them, in view of, and hoping for farther benefits, according to thy word and ordinance; through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

¶ _A Collect for those of the Ministry of the House of Commons._

Mighty and lasting Prince, we are taught by thy conduct that the hearts of Princes are at the disposal of their Ministers, and that thou dost dispose and turn thine as it seemeth best to their goodly wisdom: We humbly beseech thee so to continue thy condescension to Castlereagh, Vansittart, and their associates, that in all their thoughts, words and actions, they may ever seek their own honour and glory, and study to preserve us committed to their charge, in wealth, peace and goodliness: through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

_The Creed for the use of Corruption’s Host._

I believe in Lord Castlereagh, the supreme director of all our affairs, maker of treaties for all nations, for the benefit of none; and in the excellence of his features, fundamental and unfundamental.

And in one George Canning, of doubtful origin, the tool and puppet of Lord Castlereagh, who, together with Lord Castlereagh, falling out about their share of the public plunder, went into a certain field to fight with swords and pistols, unfortunately without any intent to kill, who came out again without injury, to the great grief of all the People; who went on an embassy to the Court of Portugal, where there was no King, for the sole purpose of recovering the health of his son, at the expence of many thousands of pounds to the People: he rose again to the Cabinet, from whence he judgeth the Reformers; and his impudence shall have no end.

And I believe in the Prince Regent, Lord and Giver of Places, who, together with the Ministers, we should worship and glorify, who speaketh by Proclamations, Commissioners, and Green Bags; I believe in the stability of the funds, I look not for a remission of taxes, no, not till the Resurrection of the Dead. And I look not for a better Government in the world to come. Amen.

_Here endeth the_ ORDER _for the_ ADMINISTRATION _of the_
LOAVES _and_ FISHES.

(London: R. Carlile, 1817.)

――――:o:――――

_The Chronicles of the Kings of England_: Written in the manner of the Ancient Jewish Historians. By Nathan Ben Saddi, a Priest of the Jews. London: Printed for _T. Cooper_ at the _Globe_ in Pater-noster Row. 1741.

This is in two books, and concludes with the reign of George II:

“And _George_ was forty and four years old when he began to
reign, and behold the Sceptre continueth in his Hand, the
Crown also is on his Head; and he sitteth on the Throne of
his Majesty unto this Day.

And now behold these are the Names of the Kings of
_England_, and these are their generations.

_George_ the Second, who was the son of _George_ the First,
who was the cousin of _Anne_, who was the sister-in-law of
_William_ the Third, who was the son-in-law of _James_ the
Second, who was the brother of _Charles_ the Second, who was
the son of _Charles_ the First, who was the son of _James_
the First, who was the cousin of _Elizabeth_, who was the
sister of _Mary_, who was the sister of _Edward_ the Sixth,
who was the son of _Henry_ the Eighth, who was the son of
_Henry_ the Seventh, who was the cousin of _Richard_ the
Third, who was the uncle of _Edward_ the Fifth, who was the
son of _Edward_ the Fourth, who was the cousin of _Henry_
the Sixth, who was the son of _Henry_ the Fifth, who was the
son of _Henry_ the Fourth, who was the cousin of _Richard_
the Second, who was the grandson of _Edward_ the Second, who
was the son of _Edward_ the First, who was the son of
_Henry_ the Third, who was the son of _John_, who was the
brother of _Richard_ the First, who was the son of _Henry_
the Second, who was the cousin of _Stephen_, who was the
cousin of _Henry_ the First, who was the brother of _William
Rufus_, who was the son of _William_ the Conqueror, who was
the son of a w――――.”

_The Chronicle of the Kings of England_, from William the Norman to the Death of George III. Written after the manner of the Jewish Historians: with Notes explanatory and illustrative. London: J. Fairburn, 1821.

This is an amplified re-issue of the preceding work, with notes, and repeating the genealogical table so as to include the name of George III. This edition of _The Chronicles of the Kings_ should have a large folding perspective chronology of the Reign of George the Third, which is frequently wanting.

The following is an extract from this work, describing the reigns of Elizabeth and James:

“Now Elizabeth was twenty and five years old when she began
to reign, and she reigned over England forty and four years,
four months, and seven days, and her mother’s name was Anna
Bullen. And she choose unto herself wise and able ministers,
and governed her kingdom with power and great glory.

“The sea also was subject unto her, and she reigned on the
ocean with a mighty hand.

“Her admirals compassed the world about, and brought her
home treasures from the uttermost parts of the earth.

“The glory of England she advanced to its height, and all
the princes of the earth sought her love; her love was fixed
on the happiness of her people, and would not be divided.
The era of learning was also in her reign, and the genius of
wit shone bright in the land. Spencer and Shakespeare,
Verulam and Sidney, Raleigh and Drake adorned the court, and
made her reign immortal. And woe unto you Spaniards, woe
unto you, you haughty usurpers of the American seas for at
the light’ning of her eyes ye were destroyed, and at the
breath of her mouth ye were scattered abroad; she came unto
your armada as a whirlwind, and as a tempest of thunder she
overwhelmed you in the sea.

“Wisdom and strength were in her right hand, and in her left
were glory and wealth.

“She spake, and it was war; she waved her hand, and the
nations dwelt in peace.

“Her Ministers were just, and her counsellers were sage; her
captains were bold, and her maids of honour ate beefsteaks
for their breakfast.

“And Elizabeth slept with her fathers, and she was a virgin.
She was buried in the chapel of King Henry VII., and James
of Scotland reigned in her stead.

“And Jamie thought himself a bonny King, and a mickle wise
mon, howbeit, he was a fool and a pedant.

“But the spirit of flattery went forth in the land, and the
great men and the bishops offered incense unto him, saying,
O most sacred King! thou art wiser than the children of men;
thou speakest by the spirit of God; there has been none
equal to thee before thee; neither will any rise after thee
like unto thee.

“Thus they abused him daily with lying and fulsome
adulation; and the ear of James was tickled therewith, and
he was puffed up and thought himself wise; whereupon he
began to dispute with the doctors, and to decide
controversies, and to write books, and the world was
undeceived.”

――――:o:――――

AN ELECTION PLACARD.
_In favour of Charles James Fox, Westminster, 1784._

The first Chapter of the Times.

1. And it came to pass that there were great dissension s in the West, amongst the rulers of the Nation.

2. And the counsellor s of the back stairs said, Let us take advantage and yoke the people even as oxen, and rule them with a rod of iron.

3. And let us break up the Assembly of Privileges, and get a new one of Prerogativ es; and let us hire false prophets to deceive the people. And they did so.

4. Then Judas Iscariot went among the citizens, saying, “Choose me one of your Elders, and I will tax your innocent damsels, and I will take the bread from the helpless, lame and blind.

5. “And with the scrip which will arise, we will eat, drink, and be merry.”

Then he brought forth the roll of sheepskin, and came unto the ginshops, cellars, and bye places, and said, “Sign your names,” and many made their marks.

6. Now it came to pass, that the time being come when the people choose their elders, that they assembled together at the hustings, nigh unto the Place of Cabbages.[348]

7. And Judas[349] lifted up his prerogativ e phiz, and said “Choose me, choose me.” But the people said, “Satan, avaunt! thou wicked Judas! hast thou not _deceived_ thy best friend? Would’st thou _deceive_ us also? Get thee behind us, thou unclean Spirit!”

8. We will have the man who ever has and will support our cause, and maintain our rights, who stands forth to us, and who will never be guided by _Secret Influence_!

9. And the people shouted, and cried with an exceeding loud voice, saying “Fox is the man!”

10. Then they caused the trumpets to be sounded, as at the feast of the full moon, and sang, “Long live Fox, may our champion live for ever! Amen!”

――――

_In Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine_ for October, 1817, there appeared an article entitled “Translation of an ancient Chaldee Manuscript,” it commenced on page 89, and ended at the foot of page 96. It was written in Biblical phraseology and was divided into four chapters, each of which was subdivided into verses. The parody was made on a certain chapter of Ezekiel, and was introduced by a preface, stating that it was a translation of a Chaldee manuscript preserved in a great library at Paris.

Professor Ferrier, in a Notice appended to Christopher North’s _Nodes Ambrosianae_, says “this trenchant satire on men and things in the metropolis of Scotland, excited the most indescribable commotion at the time――so much noise, indeed, that never since has it been permitted to make any noise whatever, having been pitilessly suppressed in consequence of threatened legal proceedings.” But some prosecutions were nevertheless commenced, and one was referred to the private decision of a Scotch judge, who, it is said, convicted the Publisher, and fined him two hundred and thirty pounds, for a foul and indecent libel.

The November number, 1817, of _Blackwood’s Magazine_ contained the following:――

_Note from the Editor._

“The Editor has learned with regret, that an article in the
First Edition of last Number, which was intended merely as a
_jeu d’esprit_, has been construed so as to give offence to
individuals justly entitled to respect and regard; he has on
that account withdrawn it in the Second Edition, and can
only add, that if what has happened could have been
anticipated, the article in question certainly never would
have appeared.

With the December Number will be given eight pages, to
supply the deficiency occasioned by the omission of the
article, _Translation from an Ancient Chaldee Manuscript_.”

It has been recently ascertained that the original conception of this Chaldee M.S. was due to James Hogg, who wrote part of it, the remainder of the production being the work of Christopher North, and Lockhart.

A set of the magazine containing this parody is now rarely to be met with.

Professor Ferrier considers that people of the present day would be greatly amused by what he calls this delicious _jeu d’esprit_. Perhaps a few Scotchmen intimately acquainted with the Edinburgh literature and society of seventy years ago might be, but to the majority of readers the _Chaldee Manuscript_ would appear dull, tedious, and uninteresting, otherwise it would have been inserted in this chapter.

――――

In the works of Father Prout (Rev. Francis Mahony) the following passage occurs with reference to the Comte de Buffon:――“Having predetermined not to leave Moses a leg to stand on, he sweeps away at one stroke of his pen the foundations of Genesis, and reconstructs this terraqueous planet on a new patent principle. I have been at some pains to acquire a comprehensive notion of his system, and aided by an old Jesuit, I have succeeded in condensing the voluminous dissertation into, a few lines, for the use of those who are dissatisfied with the Mosaic statement, particularly the professors at the school in Gower Street:――”

1. In the beginning was the sun, from which a splinter was shot off by chance, and that fragment was our globe.

2. And the globe had for its nucleus melted glass, with an envelope of hot water.

3. And it begun to twirl round, and became somewhat flattened at the poles.

4. Now, when the water grew cool, insects began to appear, and shell-fish.

5. And from the accumulation of shells, particularly oysters (tom. i. 4to. edit. p. 14), the earth was gradually formed, with ridges of mountains, on the principle of the Monte Testacio at the gate of Rome.

6. But the melted glass kept warm for a long time, and the arctic climate was as hot in those days as the tropics now are: witness a frozen rhinoceros found in Siberia, &c. &c. &c.

――――:o:――――

THE BIBLE OF THE FUTURE.

The following specimen of what is to be the Bible of the future is published by an American paper:――

GENESIS.――Chapter 1.

1. Primarily the Unknowable moved upon cosmos, and evolved protoplasm.

2. And protoplasm was inorganic and undifferentiated, containing all things in potential energy; and a spirit of evolution moved upon the fluid mass.

3. And the Unknowable said, Let atoms attract; and their contact begat light, heat, and electricity.

4. And the Unconditioned differentiated the atoms, each after its kind; and their combinations begat rock, air, and water.

5. And there went out a spirit of evolution from the Unconditioned, and working in protoplasm, by accretion and absorption, produced the organic cell.

6. And cell by nutrition evolved primordial germ, and germ developed protogene, and protegene begat eozoon, and eozoon begat monad, and monad begat animalcule.

7. And animalcule begat ephemera; then began creeping things to multiply on the face of the earth.

8. And earthy atom in vegetable protoplasm begat the molecule, and thence came all grass, and every herb in the earth.

9. And animacule in the water evolved fins, tails, claws, and scales; and in the air wings and beaks; and on the land they sprouted such organs as were necessary as played upon by the environment.

10. And by accretion and absorption came the radiata and mollusca; and mollusca begat articulata, and articulata begat vertebrata.

11. Now these are the generations of the higher vertebrata, in the cosmic period that the Unknowable evoluted the bipedal mammalia.

12. And every man of the earth, while he was yet a monkey, and the horse while he was an hipparian, and the hipparian before he was an oredon.

13. Out of the ascidian came the amphibian, and begat the pentadactyle; and the pentadactyle, by inheritance and selection, produced the hylobate, from which are the simiadæ in all their tribes.

14. And out of the simiadæ the lemur prevailed above his fellows, and produced the platyrhine monkey.

15. And the platyrhine begat the catarrhine, and the catarrhine monkey begat the anthropoid ape, and the ape begat the longimanous orang, and the orang begat the chimpanzee, and the chimpanzee evoluted the what-is-it.

16. And the what-is-it went into the land of Nod, and took him a wife of the longimanus gibbons.

17. And in process of the cosmic period were born unto them and their children the anthropomorphic primordial types.

18. The homunculus, the prognathus, the troglodyte, the autochthon, the terragene――these are the generations of primeval man.

19. And primeval man was naked and not ashamed, but lived in quadrumanous innocence, and struggled mightily to harmonise with the environment.

20. And by inheritance and natural selection did he progress from the stable and homogeneous to the complex and heterogeneous――for the weakest died, and the strongest grew and multiplied.

21. And man grew a thumb for that he had need of it, and developed capacities for prey.

22. For, behold, the swiftest men caught the most animals, and the swiftest animals got away from the most men: wherefore the slow animals were eaten and the slow men starved to death.

23. And as types were differentiated the weaker types continually disappeared.

24. And the earth was filled with violence; for man strove with man, and tribe with tribe, whereby they killed off the weak and foolish, and secured the survival of the fittest.

From _The Church Times_, February 1875.

Two other poems on the scientific theory of evolution remain to be quoted, although neither can strictly be termed a parody. The first, written by Charles Neaves (afterwards Lord Neaves) appeared originally in _Blackwood’s Magazine_, it was afterwards reprinted in “_Songs and Verses_, by an old contributor to _Maga_.” Edinburgh. W. Blackwood & Sons.

THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.

Have you heard of this question the Doctors among,
Whether all living things from a Monad have sprung?
This has lately been said, and it now shall be sung,
_Which nobody can deny._

Not one or two ages sufficed for the feat,
It required a few millions the change to complete,
But now the thing’s done, why it looks rather neat,
_Which nobody can deny._

The original Monad, our great-great-grandsire,
To little or nothing at first did aspire;
But at last to have offspring it took a desire,
_Which nobody can deny._

This Monad becoming a father or mother,
By budding, or bursting produced such another;
And shortly there followed a sister or brother,
_Which nobody can deny._

Excrescences fast were now trying to shoot;
Some put out a finger, some put out a foot,
Some set up a mouth, and some sent down a root,
_Which nobody can deny._

Some, wishing to walk, manufactured a limb;
Some rigged out a fin, with a purpose to swim;
Some opened an eye, which remained dark and dim.
_Which nobody can deny._

Some creatures grew bulky, while others were small,
As nature sent food for the few, or for all;
And the weakest, we know, ever go to the wall,
_Which nobody can deny._

An Ape with a pliable thumb and big brain,
When the gift of the gab he had managed to gain,
As a Lord of Creation established his reign,
_Which nobody can deny._

* * * * *

The second, by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins, appeared in “_The British Birds_, a communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes.” London, 1872. A work which is now very scarce.

THE POSITIVISTS.

Life and the Universe show spontaneity:
Down with ridiculous notions of Deity!
Churches and creeds are all lost in the mists,
Truth must be sought with the Positivists.

Wise are their teachers beyond all comparison,
Comte, Huxley, Tyndall, Mill, Morley, and Harrison:
Who will adventure to enter the lists
With such a squadron of Positivists.

Social arrangements are awful miscarriages;
Cause of all crime is our system of marriages.
Poets with sonnets and lovers with trysts
Kindle the ire of the Positivists.

Husbands and wives should be all one community,
Exquisite freedom with absolute unity.
Wedding-rings worse are than manacled wrists――
Such is the creed of the Positivists.

There was an APE in the days that were earlier;
Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier;
Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist――
Then he was MAN, and a Positivist.

If you are pious (mild form of insanity),
Bow down and worship the mass of Humanity.
Other religions are buried in mists――
We’re our own gods, say the Positivists.

――――

AN AMERICAN VIEW OF BICYCLING.

“And in these days the young man of the city is possessed of a demon, and he taketh it upon him to learn to ride the bicycle. And he goeth unto them that teach the instrument; and he sayeth unto them, Lo, now, teach me this thing, at one half a trade shekel the hour. And they make answer and say unto him, Behold now; here is the machine; and here art thou. Get on it, therefore and ride; for all things are possible to him that hath nerve.

And he taggeth after that machine for the next six weeks; yea, even until both his knees are like unto works of decorative art for colourful picturesqueness; and he frescoeth his entire person in black and blue, and he smasheth the machine variously and expensively; and in the fulness of time he learneth to mount and ride, and becometh an alleged proficient in the art.

And then, being puffed up with vanity, and being made mad with an injudicious ambition, he saith unto himself: Lo, now, I will try this thing upon the road. And he getteth permission to pay the hire of a machine, and to take the same up the avenue which is called fifth, to the northward of the hill which is called the Hill of Nobs; because of the exceedingly great number of nobs which dwell thereabouts.

And being mounted, he passeth out of the gates of the city, and journeyeth towards the suburbs, being at times in the saddle, and at other times for variety’s sake (which is, as was spoken by the prophets, as a spice unto life), upon his head.

And it shall come to pass that he meeteth casual maidens, who shall smile upon him, and make glad his heart within him. And, for that man is foolish and mankind is indiscreet, he shall put on the frills of vanity, and ride in the curves of conceit, and take no heed.

And in the end there shall come that way a school of young maidens, who shall say each one unto the other: Behold him upon the bicycle; and behold the young man upon two wheels. Is he not comely; and is he not fair to see among the young men of Israel? And moreover shall it come to pass that the young man shall be tempted of the evil one, and shall undertake to turn on the outer edge, and to put his legs over the handle, and shall generally be so previous and preliminary that presently the young students of Bellevue Hospital shall cobble him after their own will and fashion.

And when he shall have recovered as much as he ever shall, that young man will give his bycycle unto his bitterest enemy, whom he hateth with a hate unspeakable, saying: Let this be for a peace-offering from me to thee; and let there be no more strife between us.

For is there not peace in the grave; and shall war be waged against them that are utterly smashed up.”

_Puck._ United States. 1880.

――――

A PUBLICAN’S CARD.

The _Church of England Temperance Chronicle_ says:――A card has reached us, bearing on one side the inscription――

HARRY HILL, Market Hall Vaults,
Shambles, Worcester.

On the reverse the following parody is printed:――

HARRY HILL’S
Instructions to his Disciples.

1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for in my house they shall be
gladdened with the best of spirits.

2. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted in my
house.

3. Blessed are the meek, for my beer and liquor shall embolden them.

4. Blessed are the weak and weary, for my drink shall strengthen
them.

5. Blessed are the mirthful and gay, for theirs is the kingdom of
Harry Hill’s.

6. Dost thou hunger? In my house shall thy belly be made glad.

7. Dost thou thirst? Enter into my vineyard.

8. I am the son of my father, and mine are the juices that shall
restore them.

9. Thou shalt not steal, for my shekels are my own.

10. Thou shalt honour me, for I am the Father of the Feast.

11. Thou shalt not be rude to my pretty girls, for Solomon in all
his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

12. Thou shalt not kiss them, if they say thee nay, for, red lips,
like red roses, are sweetest on the bush.

13. Thou shalt not embrace them against their will, for caresses,
like good wine, should not go to _waist_.

14. Thou shalt not bellow in my house like the bull of Bashan, but
rather whisper like the sucking dove.

15. Thou shalt not damage my household goods, for it shall cost thee
dear.

16. If thou art good, from my bar thou shalt not be debarred.

17. Thou shalt not attempt to pass counterfeit coin upon me, for
then will the owner of my counter “fit” thee.

18. My good cheer will not settle on thy stomach if thou dost not
settle with me.

――――

A PARODY BY MR. RUSKIN ON USURY.

The author of a book entitled “Usury and the English Bishops” (by R. G. Sillar, with an introduction by Professor Ruskin. A. Southey, 146, Fenchurch-street, London), dedicates it, “without permission,” to the Bishops of Manchester, Peterborough, and Rochester. Mr. Ruskin, in an introduction, endorses in the following language the opinions expressed:――

I rejoice to see my old friend Mr. Sillar gathering finally together the evidence he has so industriously collected on the guilt of Usury, and supporting it by the always impressive language of symbolical art; for indeed I had myself no idea, till I read the connected statement which these pictures illustrate, how steadily the system of money-lending had gained on the nation, and how fatally every hand and foot was now entangled by it.

“I place,” says Mr. Ruskin, “side by side the ancient and modern versions of the seven verses of the New Testament which were the beginning, and are indeed the heads, of all the teachings of Christ:――”

ANCIENT. MODERN.

Blessed are the poor in Blessed are the rich in
spirit, for theirs is the flesh, for theirs is the
kingdom of Heaven. kingdom of earth.

Blessed are they that Blessed are they that are
mourn, for they shall be merry and laugh the last.
comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for Blessed are the proud, in
they shall inherit the earth. that they _have_ inherited the earth.

Blessed are they which do Blessed are they which
hunger for righteousness, for hunger for unrighteousness,
they shall be filled. in that they shall divide its mammon.

Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are the merciless,
for they shall obtain mercy. for they shall obtain money.

Blessed are the poor in Blessed are the foul in
heart, for they shall see God. heart, for they shall see no God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, Blessed are the war makers,
for they shall be for they shall be adored by
called the children of God. the children of men.

The _Pall Mall Gazette_. March, 1885.

――――

The three following examples of Scripture knowledge are said to have been written by Metropolitan School Board pupils in answer to questions put to them by Government Inspectors. “Who was Moses?――He was an Egypsian. He lived in a hark maid of bullrushers, and he kept a golden carf and worshipt braizen snakes and het nothin but qwhales and manner for forty years. He was kort up by the air of his ed while ridin under a bow of a tree and lie was killed by his son Abslon as he was hanging from the bow. His end was peace.”

“What do you know of the patriarch Abraham?――He was the father of Lot and had tew wifes. Wun was called Hismale and tother Haygur. He kep wun at home and he hurried the tother into the dessert where she became a pillow of salt in the daytime and a pillow of fire at nite.”

“Write an account of the good Samaritan.――A certing man went down from jerslam to jerriker and he feld among thawns and the thawns spranged up and choaked him; wareupon he gave tuppins to the hoast and said take care on him and put him on his hone hass. And he passt bye on the hother side.”

――――

In addition to the parodies already quoted, Hone, in his defence, also mentioned the following:――

_A Genuine Collection_ of the several Pieces of Political Intelligence Extraordinary, Epigrams, &c., that have appeared before the Public in Detached Pieces, now carefully selected together in one View by _An Impartial Hand_. Printed for Thomas Butcher, Newgate Street, London, 1766. This curious and very scarce collection contains several parodies, amongst them _A Political Litany_, of no great merit, and _The Political Creed for 1766_, which was given on p. 299.

_Book of the Wars of Westminster_, from the fall of the Fox at the close of 1783 to 1784, on which William the Conqueror celebrated the Third Grand Lent Festival at the London. An Oriental Prophecy. _Printed for Ishmael the son of Elishama._ 1783.

_The Chronicle of the Kingdom of the Cassiterides_, under the reign of the House of Lunen. A Fragment translated from an Ancient Manuscript. London: G. Wilkie, 1783.

This describes the tremendous siege of Gibraltar by the French and Spaniards, and the political questions of the day, in Scriptural phraseology.

_The Oriental Chronicles of the Times_: being the Translation of a Chinese manuscript; with Notes supposed to have been originally written in the spirit of Prophecy, by _Confucius_ the Sage. Dedicated to her Grace the Duchess of Devonshire. London. J. Debrett, Piccadilly.

This describes, in Biblical language, the triumph of Charles James Fox, in the great contested Election at Westminster in 1784.

_The Plague of Westminster_, or an order for the visitation of a sick Parliament, 1647――Harleian Miscellany.

_Père la Chaise_, Parody of the Catechism.

_Fair Circassian_, by the Rev. Mr. Croxal, a parody of the Canticles.

_British Freeholder’s Political Creed._

_Humorous Magazine._ Te Deum.

_The Oracle in 1807._ The Lord’s prayer parodied.

_Recruiting Bill._ “Royal Volunteers, now is the time to obtain honour and glory. Wanted, immediately to serve Jehovah, who will reward them according to their zeal and ability, a vast number of people of all descriptions, who will on joining the Commanding Officer, receive new clothes, proper accoutrements, and everything necessary for their appearance at the New Jerusalem.”

――――

In _The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1809_ (Vol. XIII., London, J. Ridgway), there is a scriptural imitation, styled _A Tale of other Times_. This originally appeared in the “Morning Post.” It was an endeavour to apologise for the conduct of the Duke of York, who had been compelled, by public opinion, to resign the office of Commander-in-Chief, owing to the exposure of a wholesale traffic in army commissions, carried on by his mistress, Mrs. Clarke. The parody represents the Duke as more of a fool than a knave; it has, however, never yet been settled whether folly or knavery preponderated in his disposition. These qualities appear to have been pretty equally balanced, and this parody does not decide the question.

In Vol. 16 of the same collection, for 1812, there is an imitation, called _Book of Chronicles_, it is political, and devoted to the abuse of Charles James Fox, and his adherents.

_The Seven Chapters of the First Book of Things_; being a Concise and Impartial account of the Birmingham Riots. By Levi Ben Mordecai. This imitation of biblical phraseology occurs in a little work entitled “_Poems_, by the late Mr. Stephen Chatterton, of Willenhall.” London, printed for the Author’s Widow. 1795.

It relates entirely to the politics of the day, and commences with a description of the capture of the Bastille, in Paris.

_The First Book of Napoleon_, the Tyrant of the Earth, written in 5813 A.M., and 1809 A.D., by Eliakim the Scribe. 1809.

_The Morning Herald_ (London), May 4, 1812, contained a scriptural parody ridiculing Lord Grenville.

_Chronicles of Coxheath Camp._ A satire on General Keppel, who commanded at Coxheath. By Francis Grose F.R.S. This is in scriptural form, and appeared in _The Olio_, 1792. It was referred to by William Hone, in his trials, but is not worth reprinting.

_The Chronicles of Westminster._ This scriptural imitation will be found in the well-known quarto collection, _The History of the Westminster Election_.

_The Court of Session Garland._ Edited by James Maidment Esq. London, Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. This curious collection of Ballads, Parodies and Epigrams, mostly written by members of the Scottish legal profession, contains several pieces written in scriptural style. The longest, entitled, _The Book of the Chronicles of the City_, relates to a contested election in Edinburgh; another is _A Chapter from the Book of Kings_, which was found in Mr. Hume’s Collection. Another called _Book of Proclamations_ was written in 1837.

These imitations are long, and of little present interest, except perhaps to a few old residents of Edinburgh.

_The Book of Benjamin._ Appointed to be read by the Electors of England. London, Charles Watts, 1879. This consists of ten chapters, describing in biblical language, the acts of Benjamin D’Israeli, from a Liberal standpoint.

_The Second Book of Benjamin._ A record of things past, present, and to come. London, Charles Watts, 1879. A continuation of the above.

_The Fall of Benjamin._ By Alfred Capel Shaw, author of the two foregoing pamphlets. London, Watts and Co., 1880. This is the last of the trio, and concludes thus:――

“And all the land knew that Benjamin had fallen, and that he was driven forth into the wilderness. And, behold, Gladstone the Liberal ruled in his stead.”

_The New Gospel of Peace according to St. Benjamin._――New York, Sinclair Tousey. In two books. No date, but _since_ 1863. This is a most remarkable account of the Great American Civil War, in scriptural language, the names of persons and places being ingeniously spelt so as to give them a Biblical appearance. It is arranged in chapters and verses.

_The Awful and Ethical Allegory of Deuteronomy Smith_; or, the Life-history of a Medical Student. Anonymous. Edinburgh, George Dryden, 1882. This describes, in biblical style, the adventures of a rather racketty young medical student in Edinburgh.

_The Secularists’ Manual of Songs and Ceremonies_, Edited by Austin Holyoake. London, Austin & Co. About 1871. This contains a series of services for Freethinkers, suitable for Weddings, Christenings (or naming children) and for Funerals.

_The New Book of Kings_, by J. Morrison Davidson. Manchester. John Heywood. This is not written, as its name would suggest, in imitation of the Scriptures. It is an exceedingly outspoken history of the inner life and misdeeds of the Kings and Queens of England.

_The Freethinker_, edited by G. W. Foote, and published weekly at Stonecutter Street, London, contains many imitations of Biblical and Liturgical matters, which are too profane to be quoted, such as the following,

_Comic Bible Sketches_, reprinted from “The Freethinker,” edited by G. W. Foote. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street, 1885.

_Jonah’s Excursion to Nineveh._ By G. W. Foote, with illustrations by Paul Bellevue. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street. 1885. Price Twopence.

_La Bible Amusante_ pour les Grands et les Petits Enfants. Texte par Léo Taxil, Dessins par Frid’rick. Paris. Librairie Anti-Cléricale, Rue des Ecoles. This was published in weekly parts, at 50 centimes each. The illustrations were very humorous, but exceedingly profane.

――――:o:――――

Jocularity in the pulpit has been often reproved as unseemly, yet it is still largely indulged in by a certain class of ministers. _Punch in the Pulpit_, by Philip Cater (London: W. Freeman, 1863), gives some amusing examples of this curious kind of devotion.

On p. 108 a burlesque sermon founded on the Nursery Rhyme of _Old Mother Hubbard_ was given, a similar production is sold by a printer named Tresize, in Beech Street, Barbican. It is styled _A Yankee Sermon_, and is founded on the text “For they shall knaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth, and the wang-foodle mourneth for his first born.”

During his trials, Mr. Hone made several references to the following song, as showing that reverend and serious writers could jest about religious topics, without any intention to be profane. It was taken from the Reverend Mark Noble’s continuation of the Rev. Mr. Granger’s _Biographical History of England_, and showed that it was never apprehended by the most pious men, that a casual association of ludicrous images with matters of the Christian religion tended to weaken the respect due to that faith. Mr. Noble, in his work, quoted this song respecting Dr. Burnett, the author of _The Theory of the Earth_, and Master of the Charter-House:――

A Dean and prebendary
Had once a new vagary;
And were at doleful strife, sir,
Who led the better life, sir,
And was the better man,
And was the better man.

The dean he said, that truly,
Since Bluff was so unruly,
He’d prove it to his face, sir,
That he had the most grace, sir;
And so the fight began,
And so the fight began.

When Preb. replied like thunder,
And roars out, ’twas no wonder,
Since gods the dean had three, sir,
And more by two than he, sir,
For he had got but one,
For he had got but one.

Now while these two were raging,
And in dispute engaging,
The Master of the CHARTER,
Said both had caught a tartar;
For gods, sir, there were none,
For gods, sir, there were none.

That all the books of Moses
Were nothing but supposes;
That he deserv’d rebuke, sir,
Who wrote the Pentateuch, sir;
’Twas nothing but a sham,
’Twas nothing but a sham.

That as for father Adam,
With Mrs. Eve, his madam,
And what the serpent spoke, sir,
’Twas nothing but a joke, sir,
And well-invented flam,
And well-invented flam.

Thus, in this battle royal,
As none would take denial,
The dame for whom they strove, sir,
Could neither of them love, sir,
Since all had given offence,
Since all had given offence.

She therefore, slily waiting,
Left all three fools a-prating;
And being in a fright, sir,
Religion took her flight, sir,
And ne’er was heard of since,
And ne’er was heard of since.

――――:o:――――

FRAGMENTS OF HYMNS.

_Divine Songs of the Muggletonians_, in Grateful Praise to the only True God, the Lord Jesus Christ, 1829.

This is a most extraordinary collection of balderdash to call Divine Songs; sung to such tunes as God save the Queen, Hearts of Oak, De’el take the Wars, etc. The following is from Hymn No. 127, sung to the tune of

“Ye Gentlemen of England”

“You faithful Muggletonians who truly do believe
The Doctrine of Muggleton to be the same as Reeve;
Let no wise anti-followers infuse into your ear,
That a Prayer, Christ does hear, from us mortals here below.”

_A Drug in the Market_; being some of the Songs of Zion that are not Wanted, written by _Jacobus_.

THE SALVATION NAVY.

The Salvation Army was sure not to exist long without an imitator, and we are, therefore, not surprised to hear of a Salvation Navy, under the direction of a person calling himself Admiral Tug. Admiral Tug has learnt the trick from General Booth of treating the most sacred things with blasphemous familiarity, and he has summoned his supporters with the following imitation of the _Arethusa_ sea-song:――

“ON BOARD OF THE ’ALLELUJAH!”

Come all you sinners, young and old,
With ’earts once cast in ’Eaven’s mould,
And join our Ker-istian Navy bold――
On board of the ’Allelujah!
We’re bound to floor the forts of Sin,
And the Devil himself will soon cave in,
Then join the side that is sure to win――
On board of the ’Allelujah!

_Punch_, August 26, 1882.

A STRANGE PARAPHRASE.

The following lines were found written in the clerk’s book, at a church in Birmingham, some sixty years ago. The said clerk every Sunday afternoon gave out the same hymn:――

Come let us join our cheerful songs,
As we have often done;
Though we’ve variety of choice,
Our song is always one.

Worthy the clerk, the people cry,
Who our devotion leads;
Worthy the people, he’ll reply,
Who thus approve my deeds.

Let those who in the gallery sit,
And placed above the rest,
Join with their brethren in the pit,
And vie in singing best.

The congregation join in one,
To think the clerk to blame,
That every Sunday afternoon,
We’re bound to sing the same.

THE BRITISH LION’S PREY.

In the hymn sung at the christening of Baby Battenberg was the following stanza:――

Never from thy pastures roving,
Let him be the lion’s prey;
Let Thy tenderness so loving,
Keep him all life’s dangerous way.

On returning from the chapel her Majesty, with the Royal Family, received the ladies and gentlemen in the Green Drawing Room, where refreshments were served, and her Majesty gave the health of Prince Leopold of Battenberg.――_Court Circular._

Well, yes; we hope young Leopold
May still keep well and skittish;
But is that beast of prey tabooed,
The lion that’s called British?

’Tis nice for Baby Battenberg
To learn these songs of Zion;
Still, what would Papa B. have done
Without the British Lion?

The eagle is a noble bird
That spreads its wings out yonder;
But doesn’t find it “dangerous,”
In lions’ dens to wander.

So, drinking Queen Victoria’s Toast,
We’ve still our chance between a
Good golden-plated Scottish Fife
And a German concertina!

August, 1889.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

God bless our gracious Queen!
Since we have got a Queen;
God save our Queen!
Her form we seldom see,
But, loyal subjects, we
Take things so easily,
And bless our Queen.

Oft at her southern seat,
Or else her Scotch retreat,
She hides away;
She never comes to town;
She lives on past renown;
_Minds_, never wears, the crown,
But draws her pay.

Soon may we hope to see
Her Gracious Majesty,
No absent Queen;
Then shall we have good cause
To open wide our jaws,
And sing with hearty voice,
God save our Queen!

W. H. EDMUNDS.

_The Weekly Dispatch._ July 10, 1881.

The following has been suggested as an additional stanza to the National Anthem:――

Grandchildren not a few,
With great-grandchildren, too,
She blest has been.
We’ve been their sureties,
Paid them gratuities,
Pensions, annuities.
God save the Queen!

Of purely Political parodies the number is so great, that any attempt at printing a complete collection is out of the question. At the most, mention can only be made, and brief extracts given from a few of the best examples. The King’s (or Queen’s) speeches to Parliament, on the opening and closing days, have been the subject of parodies for very many years.

One of the earliest, and certainly the most famous of these was an anonymous pamphlet published in 1778, entitled “_Anticipation_: Containing the substance of His Majesty’s Most Gracious Speech to both Houses of Parliament on the Opening of the approaching Session, together with a full and authentic account of the Debate which _will_ take place in the House of Commons, on the motion for the _Address_, and the _Amendment_, with Notes.” (First published three Days before the Opening of the Session.) London: T. Beckett, 1778.

The address and the Debate occupy 74 pages octavo, and were no doubt highly entertaining at the time, as the characteristics and oddities of the various speakers who were satirised were then familiar, but have long since been forgotten.

The principal topic in the debate was the unfavourable issue of the War with the United States of America.

This clever pamphlet (which ran through several editions) was written by Richard Tickell, who died in 1793.

Coming to more modern times _Figaro in London_, a satirical paper which flourished in the “thirties,” had numerous parodies of Parliamentary Speeches, making fun of William IV, his wife, and his Ministers. These were generally illustrated by Seymour, who delighted to represent William as a silly old man, with a silly old face, and his wife as a scraggy virago, keeping the King very much under control.

THE KING’S SPEECH.

The annual period of humbug is at length come round again, and the time has arrived for the King to put his name to the rubbish which is drawn up for him by his Ministers.

Of course, we are, so far as any public sources of information are concerned, wholly ignorant of the subject of this precious bit of ministerial eloquence that is to close the first Session of our first Reformed Parliament, but our private channels are so numerous, that it is impossible for the Government to prevent the secrets of the Cabinet from coming into the cognizance of _Figaro_.

The following is a slight sketch of the document alluded to:――

_My Lords and Gentlemen_,

“I have to thank you for the very able manner in which you
have contrived to humbug my people for the last seven
months. I hope you will act in the same consistent manner
next Session, for the dignity of your Lordship’s house, the
protection of the Constitution, and the welfare of Great
Britain.

_Gentlemen of the House of Commons_,

You have my most sincere thanks for the singular tact with
which you have contrived to debate every night till a late
hour, and have yet managed to do nothing at all but pass the
Coercive Bill for Ireland.

By a continuance in the same course, you will, I am sure,
contribute to the stability of my Ministry, and to filling
the Parliamentary columns of the newspapers.

I cannot help expressing my admiration of the wonderful
talent you have displayed in sitting under the name of a
Reformed Parliament, and yet acting precisely in the same
spirit as all preceding ones.

_My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons._

I am very happy to say, that my foreign relations are all as
eager as ever to keep up the profession without the practice
of liberality; and that Pedro is likely to be as great a
scoundrel as his brother Miguel.

I hope, my Lords and Gentlemen, that when you meet next
session, you will be as talkative as you have been during
that which has just come to a close; and, that you will not
think of business till my faithful ministers have a plea for
saying it is too late to do any.

As for the supplies, I thank you for them, from the bottom
of my heart, for I accept them as a strong mark of your
attachment and loyalty.

My good people call for retrenchment, and I trust you will
give your attention to the underlings of all offices, as you
have done before, for a person who has little is better
qualified to do without anything, than one who has been
accustomed to a superfluity.

I am convinced your sense of honour will teach you to
respect the great receivers of the public pay, while the
little ones, being more numerous, will afford a wider
display for and more room for the practise of your
retrenching abilities.”

_Figaro in London._ August 31, 1833.

――――

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH.

Mr. Disraeli’s valet having abstracted from his master’s pocket a rough copy of the Royal Speech, transmitted it to us, we hasten to present the document to our readers.