Chapter XII (5)

For like as we are compelled by the Rules of Arithmetic, to acknowledge every figure by itself to have signification and form:

So we are forbidden, by the rules of right reason, to say, that each of them have three significations or three powers.

The 2 is of the 1’s alone, not abstracted, nor depending, but produced.

The 3 is of the 1 and 2, not abstracted, nor depending,, nor produced, but derived. So there is one figure of 1. _Desunt nonnulla._

He therefore that will be an Exciseman, must thus understand his figures.

Furthermore, it is necessary to the preservation of his place, that he also believe rightly the authority of his Supervisor.

For his interest is, that he believes and confesses that his Supervisor, the servant of the Commissioners, is master and man: Master of the Exciseman, having power from the Commissioners to inspect his books: and man to the Commissioners, being obliged to return his accounts.

Perfect master and perfect man, of an unconscionable soul and frail flesh subsisting; equal to the Commissioners, as touching that respect which is shown him by the Excisemen, and inferior to the Commissioners as touching their profit and salary.

Who, although he be master and man, is not two, but one Supervisor.

One, not by confusion of place, but by virtue of his authority; for his seal and sign manual perfect his commission; his gauging the vessels, and inspecting the Excisemens’ books, is what makes him Supervisor.

Who travels through thick and thin, and suffers most from heat or cold, to save us from the addition of taxes, or the deficiency in the funds, by corruption or inadvertency.

Who thrice in seven days goes his rounds, and once in six weeks meets the Collectors, who shall come to judge between the Exciseman and Victualler.

At whose coming all Excisemen shall bring in their accounts, and the Victuallers their money.

And they that have done well by prompt payment, shall be well treated.

And those that have done ill, by being tardy in their payment, shall be cast into jail; and the Excisemen whose books are blotted, or accounts unjustifiable, shall be turned out of their places.

These are the rules, which except a man follows, he cannot be an Exciseman.

Honour to the Commissioners, fatigue to the Supervisor, and bribery to the Exciseman.

As it was from the beginning, when taxes were first laid upon Malt, is now, and ever will be till the debts of the nation are paid. _Amen._

――――

THE MATRIMONIAL CREED.
_To be used in all dwelling houses._

Whoever will be married, before all things it is necessary that he hold the conjugal faith, which is this, That there were two rational beings created, both equal, and yet one superior to the other; and the inferior shall bear rule over the superior; which faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall be scolded at everlastingly.

The man is superior to the woman, and the woman is inferior to the man; yet both are equal, and the woman shall govern the man.

The woman is commanded to obey the man, and the man ought to obey the woman.

And yet, they are not two obedients, but one obedient.

For there is one dominion nominal of the husband, and another dominion real of the wife.

And yet, there are not two dominions, but one dominion.

For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity to acknowledge that wives must submit themselves to their husbands, and be subject to them in all things;

So are we forbidden by the Conjugal Faith to say, that they should be at all influenced by their wills or pay any regard to their commands.

The man was not created for the woman, but the woman for the man.

Yet the man shall be the slave of the woman, and the woman the tyrant of the man.

So that in all things, as is aforesaid, the subjection of the superior to the inferior is to be believed.

He, therefore, that will be married, must thus think of the woman and the man.

Furthermore, it is necessary to submissive Matrimony, that he also believe rightly the infallibility of the wife.

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that the wife is fallible and infallible.

Perfectly fallible, and perfectly infallible; of an erring soul and unerring mind subsisting; fallible as touching her human nature, and infallible as touching her female sex.

Who, although she be fallible and infallible, yet she is not two, but one woman; who submitted to lawful marriage, to acquire unlawful dominion; and promised religiously to obey, that she might rule in injustice and folly.

This is the Conjugal Faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot enter the comfortable state of Matrimony.

From _The Wonderful Magazine_.

――――

A NEW POLITICAL CREED.
FOR THE YEAR MDCCLXVI.

_Quicunque vult._

Whoever will be saved: before all things it is necessary that he should hold the Chatham faith.

Which faith, except every man keep whole and undefiled without doubt he shall sink into oblivion.

And the Chatham faith is this: that we worship one Minister in Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity:

Neither confounding the persons, nor dividing the substance.

For the Privy Seal is a Minister, the Secretary is a Minister, and the Treasurer is a Minister.

Yet there are not three Ministers, but one Minister; for the Privy Seal, the Secretary, and the Treasurer are all one.

Such as the Privy Seal is, such is the Secretary, and such is the Treasurer.

The Privy Seal is self-create, the Secretary is self-create, and the Treasurer is self-create.

The Privy Seal is incomprehensible, the Secretary is incomprehensible, and the Treasurer is incomprehensible.

The Privy Seal is unresponsible, the Secretary is unresponsible, and the Treasurer is unresponsible.

And yet there are not three incomprehensibles, three self-created, or three unresponsibles: but one incomprehensible, one self-create, and one unresponsible.

For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity, to acknowledge every person by himself to be God and Lord;

So are we forbidden by the articles of the Chatham alliance, to say there are three Ministers:

So that in all things, the Unity in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity, are to be worshipped; and he who would be saved, must thus think of the Ministry.

Furthermore it is necessary to elevation, that he also believe rightly of the qualities of our Minister.

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that this son of man is something more than man; as total perfection, though of an unreasonable soul, and gouty flesh consisting.

Who suffered for our salvation, descended into opposition, rose again the third time, and ascended into the House of Peers.

He sitteth on the right hand of the ――――, from whence he shall come to judge the good and the bad.

And they that have done good, shall go into patent places, and they that have done bad, shall go into everlasting opposition.

This is the Chatham faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot be promoted.

As he was in the beginning, he is now, and ever will be.

_Then all the people, standing up, shall say_,

O blessed and glorious Trinity, three persons and one Minister, have mercy on us miserable subjects.

This parody was written against Lord Chatham. It was published in _The New Foundling Hospital for Wit_. 1786.

――――

The following imitation was written by the Rev. Mr. Toplady, a very popular preacher amongst the Calvinists, who died greatly lamented, at a very early age. Mr. Toplady’s object was to ridicule Lord Chesterfield’s Letters, and the morals therein inculcated It was entitled――

“CHRISTIANITY REVERSED, &C.; _or_ LORD CHESTERFIELD’S NEW CREED.

“I believe, that this world is the object of my hopes and
morals; and that the little prettinesses of life will answer
all the ends of human existence.

“I believe, that we are to succeed in all things, by the
graces of civility and attention; that there is no sin, but
against good manners; and that all religion and virtue
consist in outward appearance.

“I believe, that all women are children, and all men fools;
except a few cunning people, who see through the rest, and
make their use of them.

“I believe, that hypocrisy and adultery, are within the
lines of morality; that a woman may be honourable when she
has lost her honour, and virtuous when she has lost her
virtue.

“This, and whatever else is necessary to obtain my own ends,
and bring me into repute, I resolve to follow; and to avoid
all moral offences, such as scratching my head before
company, spitting upon the floor, and omitting to pick up a
lady’s fan And in this persuasion I will persevere, without
any regard to the resurrection of the body, or the life
everlasting. _Amen._

“Q. Wilt thou be initiated into these principles?

“A. That is my inclination.

“Q. Wilt thou keep up to the rules of the _Chesterfield_
morality?

“A. I will, Lord Chesterfield being my admonisher.

_“Then the officiator shall say_,

“Name this child.

“A. A FINE GENTLEMAN.

_“Then he shall say_,

“I introduce thee to the world, the flesh and the devil,
that thou mayest triumph over all awkwardness, and grow up
in all politeness; that thou mayest be acceptable to the
ladies, celebrated for refined breeding, able to speak
French and read Italian, invested with some public
supernumerary character in a foreign Court, get into
Parliament (perhaps into the Privy Council), and that, when
thou art dead, the letters written to thy children, may be
published, in seven editions, for the instruction of all
sober families.

“Ye are to take care that this child, when he is of a proper
age, be brought to Court, to be _confirmed_.”

――――

THE CREED OF ST. ATHANASIUS.
_Quicunque Vult._――(_Shanghai Version._)

I. Whosoever will gain his cause, before all things it is necessary, that he understand the working of the Supreme Court.

II. Which if a man do not understand, without doubt he shall lose his dollars everlastingly.

III. And the condition of the Supreme Court is this, That there be one Judge, one assistant Judge, and one Law Secretary.

IV. The parties to a suit confound the persons, and the Court divideth the substance.

V. The Judge is incomprehensible, the Assistant Judge is more incomprehensible, and the Law Secretary most incomprehensible.

VI. And yet the decision of the Judge is not the decision of the Assistant Judge, and the decision of the Assistant Judge is not the decision of the Law Secretary.

VII. For like as we are compelled by the law of libel to say, the Judge is incorruptible, the Assistant Judge is incorruptible, and the Law Secretary is incorruptible.

VIII. So are we forbidden by the law of common sense to say, the Judge is infallible, the Assistant Judge is infallible, and the Law Secretary is infallible.

IX. And the doctrine of the Judge is this――That he was appointed for the sins of the people, and the hardness of heart of the Consuls.

X. The doctrine of the Assistant Judge is this: Equal to the Judge as touching the sign manual, but inferior to the Judge as touching beetle hunting.

XI. The doctrine of the Law Secretary is this――That he was neither made, created, nor appointed, but proceeding.

XII. Confusion to the Judge, and to the Assistant Judge, and to the Law Secretary.

XIII. As it was in the Levant, so shall it be in China, and (if they can find them) in Worlds without end.

――――:o:――――

THE POPULAR CREED.

An American Socialist has written the following as an expression of the real belief of the middle classes of the present day:――

“I believe in Capital, Father Almighty, maker of weal and
woe, and of all things visible and invisible. And in one
power, Usury and Increase, the only begotten Son of Capital,
begotten of the Father before all dues. Money of money,
wealth of wealth, very cash of very cash, begotten, not
made, being of one substance with capital, and whereby all
things are made; which for us men and for our perdition came
forth from the bottomless; and was invented by ‘_auri sacra
fames_,’ and incarnate of the virgin money, and was made
gold, stamped, and established also for our fleecing under
all governments. It is conjured with and buried and made to
rise again, according to the bank books.

“And I believe in ‘_auri sacra fames_,’ the Lord and Giver
of Business, which proceedeth from Capital and Interest,
which with the Father and Son together are worshipped and
glorified; which spake by the economists. And I believe in
one all-gathering and illimitable Thrift. I acknowledge one
and every dodge for the fleecing of the poor, and I look for
the Kingdom of Iniquity and eternal plunder to come.――Amen.”

――――

THE GLADSTONIAN CREED.

Whosoever will be elected, before all things it is necessary that he hold the Gladstonian faith.

Which Faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall perish politically.

And the Gladstonian faith is this, that we worship one Gladstone in Government and Government in Gladstone.

Neither confounding his person nor divining his meaning.

For there is one person in Gladstone, another in his Son, and not another near the post.

And yet not Two Gladstones, but One Gladstone.

One Bill holds the Field, not Another in the Field, so the rest nowhere.

One Gladstone Incomprehensible, One William Incomprehensible, and One Bill Incomprehensible.

And yet there are not Three Bills, but One Bill;

As also there are not Three Premiers, nor Three Incomprehensibles, but One Premier Incomprehensible.

Who begets invisible principle and policy of Himself, the only unimpeachable authority.

For like as we are compelled by the Gladstonian Faith to acknowledge all his policy to be great, good and gracious,

So we are forbidden by the Gladstonian Religion to say there be Queen, Cabinet, Lords or Commons;

And in this faith One is Afore and never after Another; One is Greater never less than another.

So that in all things as aforesaid, Verbosity against Unity――Surrender to Malignity――is to be worshipped.

Furthermore it is necessary for proper Qualification that he also believe rightly the mystification of the Grand Old Man.

For the right faith is that we believe and confess that the People’s William does good for mankind;

That he is perfect Genius and perfect Man and yet a reasonable Soul on Destructive Acts subsisting;

Equal to no one in Love of Office, and inferior to none in Design to retain it.

For as this reasonable Soul is Flesh and Blood, so Flesh and Blood cannot understand this reasonable Soul.

Who will permit any to suffer for his Salvation, and who hopes to rise again with his Bills from the Dead;

And whosoever follows shall enter as a Gladstonian politician, and he that does not may sink into political oblivion.

This is the Gladstonian faith, which except a man believe faithfully he cannot be elected.

June, 1886.

――――

HENRY BUCKLE’S CREED.

_This is the Creed, let no man chuckle,
Of the great thinker Henry Buckle_:――

I believe in fire and water,
And in fate, dame Nature’s daughter,
Consciousness I set aside,
The dissecting knife my guide.
I believe in steam and rice,
Not in virtue nor in vice;
In what strikes the outward sense,
Not in mind nor providence;
In a stated course of crimes,
In Macaulay and the “Times.”
As for “truth” the ancients lost her;
Plato was a great impostor.
Morals are a vain illusion
Leading only to confusion.
Not in Latin nor in Greek
Let us for instruction seek;
Fools like Bossuet that might suit,
Who had better have been mute;
Let us study snakes and flies,
And on fossils fix our eyes.
Would we learn what men should do,
Let us watch the Kangaroo!
Would we know the mental march;
It depends on dates and starch!
I believe in all the gases
As a means to raise the masses.
Carbon animates ambition,
Oxygen controls volition;
Whatever’s good or great in men
May be traced to hydrogen;
And the body, not the soul,
Governs the unfathom’d whole.

From _Notes and Queries_.

――――

Although _The Pious Editor’s Creed_ in “The Biglow Papers” cannot be styled a parody, it is exquisitely humorous, but much too long to give in full:――

I du believe in Freedom’s cause
Ez fur away ez Paris is;
I love to see her stick her claws
In them infarnal Pharisees;
It’s wal enough agin a king
To dror resolves an’ triggers,――
But libbaty’s a kind o’ thing,
That don’t agree with niggers.
* * * * *
In short, I firmly du believe
In Humbug generally,
Fer it’s a thing thet I perceive
To hev a solid vally;
This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
In pasturs sweet heth led me,
An’ this ’ll keep the people green
To feed ez they hev fed me.

――――:o:――――

In the works of the Right. Hon. Sir Charles Hanbury Williams there occurs a parody entitled――

THE LESSONS FOR THE DAY, 1742.

The First Lesson.
¶ _Here beginneth the First Chapter of the Book of Preferment._

Now it came to pass in the 15th year of the reign of George the King, in the 2nd month, on the 10th day of the month at Even, that a deep sleep came upon me, the visions of the night possessed my spirit, I dreamed, and behold Robert[346] the minister came in unto the King, and besought him, saying:

O King, live for ever! let thy throne be established from generation to generation! but behold now the power which thou gavest unto thy servant is at an end, the Peterborough election is lost, and the enemies of thy servant triumph over him.

Wherefore now I pray thee, if I have found favour in thy sight, suffer thy servant to depart in peace, that my soul may bless thee.

And when he had spoken these words, he resigned unto the King his place as First Lord of the Treasury, his Chancellorship of the Exchequer, and all his other preferments.

* * * * *

This parody concludes with the following:――

OLD ENGLAND’S TE DEUM TO GEORGE THE THIRD.

We complain of Thee, O King, we acknowledge Thee to be an Hanoverian.

All Hungary doth Worship Thee, the Captain everlasting.

To Thee all Placemen cry aloud, the House of Lords and all the Courtiers therein.

To Thee, Carteret and Bath continually do cry,

Warlike, Warlike, Warlike, Captain General of the Armies! Brunswick and Lunenburgh are full of the brightness of our coin.

The venal Company of Peers praise Thee.

The goodly fellowship of Ministers praise Thee.

The noble Army of Hanoverians praise Thee.

The Holy Bench of Bishops throughout the land doth acknowledge Thee.

Thine honourable, true, and steady Son.

Also my Lady Yarmouth the comforter.

Thou art a glorious Prince, O King!

Thou art the ever charming Son of the Father.

When thou tookest upon Thee to deliver this nation, Thou didst not abhor thy Father’s example.

When Thou hadst overcome the sharpness of want, Thou didst open the smiles of thy favour to all believers in a court.

Thou sittest at the right hand of ―――― in the Treasury of the Father.

We believe that Thou shalt come to be our scourge.

We therefore pray Thee provide for thy servants, whom Thou hast fed with thy renown. Make them to be numbered with thy slaves in livery everlasting.

O King, spare thy people of England.

And now squeeze thy people of Hanover.

Govern them as Thou hast governed us,

And confine them to their turnips for ever.

Day by day we sing ballads unto Thee.

And we bawl against Hanover, ever world without end.

Vouchsafe, O King, to keep us this year without thy Hanoverians.

The Lord have mercy upon us; the Lord have mercy upon us.

O King, let thy Mercy lighten our Taxes, as our Credit should be in Thee.

O King in Thee have I trusted, let me not be confounded.

Valour be to the Father, common sense to the Son, and a young bed-fellow to the Countess of Yarmouth; as was not in the beginning, is not now, nor is ever like to be, world without end. _Amen!_

There is another parody of the _Te Deum_ in Robert Southey’s _Omniana_ (vol. 2. p. 41.) entitled _Te Franciscum_, and dated 1733, but it is of little interest.

――――

CATECHISM FOR THE MERIDIAN OF THE EXCHANGE.

Q. What is your name?

A. A Freeman.

Q. Who gave you this name?

A. The Candidates for a seat in the House of Commons.

Q. Wherein does your Freedom consist?

A. First. In having the liberty to eat, drink, and revel in
debauchery, from the commencement of the canvass to the close of the
poll, let that time be what it may;――and all that on _free cost_.

Secondly. In giving my vote to that Candidate or his friends, whom I
shall conceive the most likely to serve my own _private_ interest,
without any regard to the comparative merits of the Candidates, or
the welfare and prosperity of this Town and Kingdom.

Q. What sort of morality do you call this?

A. This I call political morality; and it is this morality which has
the greatest influence on the conduct of very many electors.

Q. Are there no electors who vote on other principles?

A. Yes: there are some who think, judge, and compare before they
promise; and then give their suffrage, so that their hearts may not
reproach them, for a violation of those principles of morality,
which ought to regulate the conduct of every man, especially if he
professes to be a _Christian_.

Q. Is this promise binding, which has been obtained on a false
statement of facts?

A. All Casuists say _No_; especially if it be to the injury of a
third person.

N.B. FREEMEN, it must be well-known to you, that HENRY BROUGHAM and
THOMAS CREEVEY are the Friends of Trade, Peace and Plenty, and have
neither Place nor Pension; when it is equally notorious that GEORGE
CANNING and ISAAC GASCOYNE are the Friends of War, Taxes, and
Famine, and are now living on the Spoils of their Country.

From _An impartial Collection of Addresses, Songs, Squibs, &c., published during the Liverpool Election_, October 1812.

The Candidates were the Rt. Hon. George Canning; Lt.-Gen. Isaac Gascoigne; Henry Brougham; Thomas Creevey; and Gen. B. Tarlton. (Messrs. G. Canning and Gascoigne, both Tories, were elected.)

――――

THE INCOME-TAX CATECHISM.

Q. Why is the Income and Property-Tax so called?

A. Because it is a tax on the mere Income of some people, and on the
whole Property of others.

Q. Of whom is it a tax on the Income only?

A. It is a tax on the Income only, and on no more than the Income,
of those whose Income consists of rent, or of the interest of
Property.

Q. Of whom is it a tax on the entire Property?

A. It is a tax on the entire Property of those whose Income consists
of earnings, and who have no other Property than their Income.

Q. So it is called an Income-Tax when it is a tax on Income arising
from Property, and a Property-Tax when it is a tax on Income not
arising from Property?

A. Yes.

Q. If persons whose Income consists merely of earnings were taxed in
the same proportion as those whose Incomes consist of dividends or
of rents, how much Income-Tax would they have to pay?

A. At the utmost, sixteen pence in the pound on the interest of
their yearly incomes at 3 per cent. For instance, a man earning £500
a year would have to pay 20s.

Q. Would this be an equitable adjustment of the Income-Tax?

A. Not quite; because earnings are mostly precarious.

Q. How does the Income-Tax affect persons of precarious income?

A. It deprives them of the money which they ought to save as a
provision against a season of loss of employment, or against old
age.

Q. Where do those people go who are incapacitated by the Income-Tax
from making a provision for loss of employment, or for old age?

A. To the workhouse.

_Punch_, December 13, 1856.

――――

A RABBLE CATECHISM FOR M.P.’S.

_Respectfully Dedicated to_ MAJOR BERESFORD, M.P., _for North Essex; Ex-Tory Whipper-in, Secretary-at-War in 1852; with every possible etcetera._

Q. What is a rabble?

A. Rabble is a congregation of creatures that hiss and hoot.

Q. Biped or quadruped?

A. I believe, biped.

Q. Of what are they ordinarily composed?

A. Mud, tempered with ditch-water. Sometimes they are made of
road-scrapings; they are sometimes found of pure clay.

Q. What is your duty towards the rabble?

A. My duty towards the rabble is, from the very bottom of my heart
(wherever that may be) to loathe, detest, hate, and abhor them.

Q. As everything has its place in the condition of the world,
what――in your opinion――in the scale of creation, is the proper place
of the rabble? Take, for instance, an individual. _One_ of the
rabble?

A. I believe that one of the rabble is a――yes――a sort of link
between an ape and a contented labourer. I have, I think, read of
apes that chop sticks and draw water, and walk upright on two legs;
I have no doubt that moral anatomy would establish the analogy. No
doubt of it. Yes; one of the rabble is a link between an ape and a
labourer――a contented labourer.

Q. Has the rabble any voice?

A. Certainly not: it is the want of voice that is the rabble’s
distinguishing want.

Q. But supposing that the rabble could, by Act of Parliament, for
instance, obtain voices――they would then be rabble no longer?

A. Certainly not.

Q. The rabble, having no articulate voices, you conceive it to be
your bounden duty to hate, and, from the bottom of your heart
despise them?

A. I do.

Q. But, having obtained voices, the rabble would then be to you――

A. Every one of them a man and a brother; that is――at Election
times. Yes; from the bottom of my heart, a man and a brother.

――――

A RABBLE CATECHISM FOR THE RABBLE.

Q. What are you?

A. One o’ the rabble

Q. What makes you of the rabble?

A. Nothin’ makes me; got nothin’; that’s why nothin’ does it.

Q. What is your place in the world?

A. Got no place by rights; only what the gentlefolks is so
kind――heaven bless ’em――is so kind to grant me.

Q. What are your duties in life?

A. My duties is to pay duties on ’bacca, and on whatsomever there
may be put upon――tea and beer and so forth――and ax no questions.

Q. Have you any voice at elections?

A. Yes: when I hollars.

Q. But you have no vote?

A. In course not. ’Cause I’m one o’ the rabble.

Q. And as one of the rabble――what are you to expect from the
gentlemen who propose themselves――for the benefit of the country――to
be Members of Parliament?

A. I am to expect, and not a bit to mind it, to be despised from the
bottom of their hearts.

Q. Were you created for that?

A. I was, as badgers were made to be baited, foxes to be hunted, and
hedgehogs to be beaten to bits――so was the rabble made to be
despised by Members of Parliament, ’specially when majors, from the
very bottom of their hearts.

_Punch._

――――

LE CATECHISME DES ANGLAIS.
_Pour l’expulsion des Français sous Napoleon I._

D. Dis moi, mon enfant, qui es tu?

R. Anglais; par la grace de Dieu.

D. Quel est l’ennémi de notre félicité?

R. L’Empereur des Français.

D. Combien a-t-il de natures?

R. Deux: la nature humaine, et la diabolique.

D. Combien y a d’Empereurs des Français?

R. Un véritable, en trois personnes trompeuses.

D. Comment les nomme t-on?

R. Napoléon, Murat, Manuel Godoi.

D. Lequel des trois est le plus méchant?

R. Ils le sont tous trois également.

D. De qui dérive Napoléon?

R. Du péché.

D. Murat?

R. De Napoléon; et Godoi de la formation des deux autres.

D. Quel est l’esprit du prémier?

R. L’orgueil et le despotisme.

D. Du sécond.

R. La rapine, et la cruauté.

D. Du troisième?

R. La cupidité, la trahison, et l’ignorance, &c. &c.

* * * * *

This fragment of a catechism appeared in _Notes and Queries_ June 27, 1868, with a request for information as to its origin, to which no reply seems to have been made.

――――

A CATECHISM FOR LONDONERS.

Q. What is a Premium?

A. Premium is a Latin word meaning “prize” or “reward.” In London
this reward is given by Landlords to themselves out of the money of
incoming Tenants.

Q. Is a Premium a prize for good conduct?

A. Exclusively so. The good conduct consists in allowing Tenants to
live in London at all.

Q. Is the moment when a house is taken the only occasion on which a
Premium is exacted?

A. Not at all. When a lease expires, Landlords, especially Ducal
ones (see Mr. PLATT’S evidence before the Parliamentary Committee),
often refuse to renew without a heavy Premium.

Q. Is it a valid plea to say that this Premium is a repayment to the
Landlord for improvements which he has kindly made in the house?

A. No; because the Landlord hardly ever makes any improvements.

Q. Then, at any rate, Tenants of London houses can always have the
advantage of a lease, if they like to pay a Premium for it?

A. Such is not the case. Some Ducal Landlords now exact Premiums,
and at the same time refuse to grant leases.

Q. Then the Tenant becomes a mere Tenant-at-will?

A. Unless he prefers to become a Tenant-at-won’t, and leaves the
house in disgust.

Q. Why do not all Tenants adopt the latter system?

A. Because to leave his place of business may mean to a tradesman
the sacrifice of his “connection,” a fact of which Landlords take
full advantage.

Q. If a Tenant asked his Landlord for compensation for improvements
executed by himself, what would the latter do?

A. Improve him off the estate, probably.

Q. When a London Landlord destroys at one blow the value of a
Tradesman’s good-will, by refusing him a lease, and drives him to
emigrate by exacting a “starvation-rent,” what does he call the
result to the Tenant?

A. A happy re-lease.

Q. What is the theoretical foundation on which Ducal Landlords build
their claim to rack-rent all occupiers who “hold of” them?

A. That it is entirely owing to their own careful attention and
unremitting exertions that the soil of London is now of any value
whatever.

Q. And of what material is that foundation largely composed?

A. Portland Cement.

Q. What would the Ducal monopoly of land and houses in the best
situations in London be called in Chicago?

A. A “corner in rents.”

Q. And what would be an appropriate name for the victim of this
monopoly?

A. A _Ground_-Tenant.

Q. Although the Ducal system of “improving estates,” by turning out
old Tenants and raising the rent to the utmost possible limit, may
press hardly on individuals, do not these territorial magnates
display a splendid example of public-spirited generosity and
self-denying civic virtue which compensates for private loss?

A. Scarcely.

_Punch._ May 7, 1887.

――――

A CATECHISM OF THE PEERAGE.

_Question._ What is a Peer.

_Answer._ The eldest son of his father.

Q. Who gave him that Title?

A. No one; it came to him through the accident of birth.

Q. Has he no other claim or qualification?

A. None.

Q. What is the nature of his Title?

A. Hereditary.

Q. Are there no other kind of Peers?

A. Yes; there are a few Life Peers.

Q. What are they?

A. Commoners who are made Peers for the rest of their lives, without
their titles being transmitted to their heirs.

Q. Who creates Peers?

A. The Crown.

Q. What are men made Peers for?

A. For winning battles, for serving their party in the House of
Commons, for being old and no longer of any use to it, for being
troublesome to their colleagues, for being behind the times, and for
being political nuisances that cannot be got rid of in any other
way.

Q. Are Poets ever made Peers?

A. Yes. Lord Tennyson.

Q. Why was he made a Peer?

A. For writing adulatory verses, as Poet Laureate, on royal births,
marriages and deaths.

Q. Besides Hereditary Peers and Life Peers, are there any other
special kinds?

A. Yes. Temporal Peers and Spiritual Peers?.

Q. What are Spiritual Peers?

A. Bishops of the Church of England.

Q. What are the Privileges of a Peer?

A. To be called “My Lord,” to sit in Parliament without asking his
fellow-citizens, to legislate without consulting them, to appoint
clergymen to livings in the Church, and his poor relations to
well-paid offices in the public service.

Q. Whom does the House of Commons represent?

A. The People of England.

Q. Whom do the Peers represent?

A. Themselves.

Q. How many are they?

A. Five hundred and twelve.

Q. How many does the People’s House represent?

A. Thirty-four millions.

Q. Are the members of the House of Lords all English.

A. No; the Scotch Peers created before 1707 elect sixteen of their
number to sit in each Parliament, and the Irish Peers created before
1801 elect twenty-eight of their number to sit for life.

Q. How many Peers are Conservatives, and how many are Liberals?

A. There are 285 Conservatives and 218 Liberals, the remaining few
being uncertain.

Q. Do they vote on all questions in proportion to these numbers?

A. No; they generally show an overwhelming majority against Liberal
measures, especially in relation to the Landed Interest.

Q. Can they prevent the People’s House from passing any laws it may
deem necessary?

A. Yes.

Q. Have they often done so?

A. Yes, always, until they were beaten.

Q. Are not the Bishops more friendly to measures passed by the
People’s House for the good of the nation?

A. No; they have always opposed such measures even more obstinately
than the Temporal Peers.

Q. How many clergymen are appointed to their livings by Peers?

A. Nearly five thousand.

Q. Are the Peers rich or poor?

A. Rich.

Q. What does their wealth spring from?

A. The land.

Q. Do they cultivate it?

A. No, they own it, and the cultivators pay them rent.

Q. How much land do they own?

A. 16,411,986 acres.

Q. How much land is there in Great Britain and Ireland?

A. 72,119,961 acres, exclusive of waste lands and commons.

Q. What is the yearly income of the richest Peer?

A. Four hundred thousand pounds.

Q. How much is that per day?

A. Ten hundred and ninety-five pounds.

Q. What is the highest daily wage of a farm labourer?

A. Half-a-crown.

Q. How much public money do the Peers draw from offices and
pensions?

A. £598,056.

Q. Have the Peers any other power or influence than that already
mentioned?

A. Yes, they have nearly three hundred relations, by birth or
marriage, in the House of Commons.

Q. Have the Peers any other privileges?

A. Yes, the clergy pray for them every Sunday that they may be
endued with grace, wisdom, and understanding.

Q. Is the prayer answered?

A. No.

Q. What are the duties of a Peer?

A. To spend his money, and to sit in the House of Lords when he
feels disposed.

Q. Is he often so disposed?

A. No; the average attendance of Peers in the House of Lords is
about twenty.

Q. Have the Peers no other duties?

A. Yes, they have to provide the chief officers of the Royal
Household, as only Peers and Peeresses can perform such exalted
functions.

Q. Do they fill those offices gratuitously?

A. No, they are handsomely paid, some of them receiving as much as
£2,000 a year.

Q. Have they any other duty?

A. No, that is the whole duty of a Peer.

Issued by _The People’s League for the Abolition of the Hereditary Chamber_.

――――

THE DRUNKARD’S CATECHISM.

_Question._――What is your name?

_Answer._――Drunken Sot.

Q.――Who gave you that name?

A.――As drink is my idol, landlords and their wives get all my money;
they gave me that name in my drunken sprees wherein I was made a
member of strife, a child of want, and an inheritor of a bundle of
rags.

Q.――What did your landlords and landladies promise for you.

A.――They did promise and vow three things in my name, first, that I
should renounce the comfort of my own fireside; secondly, starve my
wive and hunger my children; thirdly, walk in rags and tatters, with
my shoe soles going flip flap all the days of my life.

Q.――Rehearse the articles of thy belief.

A.――I believe in the existence of one Mr. Alcohol, the great head
and chief of all manner of vice, the source of nine-tenths of all
diseases! and I not only believe, but am sure that when my money is
gone and spent, the landlord will stop the tap and turn me out.

Q.――How many commandments have ye sots to keep?

A.――Ten.

Q.――Which be they?

A.――The same which the landlord and landlady spake in the bar,
saying, We are thy master and thy mistress who brought thee out of
the paths of virtue, placed thee in the ways of vice, and set thy
feet on the road which leadeth to New South Wales.

I.――Thou shalt use no other house but mine.

II.――Thou shalt not make to thyself any substitute for intoxicating
drinks, such as tea, coffee, ginger-pop and lemonade; for I am a
jealous man, wearing the coat that should be on thy back, eating thy
children’s bread, and pocketing the money which should make thee and
thy wife happy all the days of thy life.

III.――Thou shalt not use my house in vain.

IV.――Remember that thou eat but one meal on the Sabbath day. Six
days shalt thou drink and spend all thy money, but the seventh day
is the Sabbath, wherein I wash my floor, mend my fires and make
ready for the company the remaining part of the day.

V.――Thou shalt honor the landlords, the landladies and the
gin-shops, with thy presence that thy days may be few and miserable,
in the land wherein thou livest.

VI.――Thou shalt commit murder, by starving, hungering and beating
thy wife and family.

VII.――Thou shalt commit self-destruction.

VIII.――Thou shalt sell thy wife’s and children’s bread and rob
thyself of all thy comforts.

IX.――Thou shalt bear false witness when thou speakest of the
horrors, saying, Thou art in good health when labouring under the
barrel fever.

X.――Thou shalt covet all thy neighbour is possessed of; thou shalt
covet his house, his land, his purse, his health, his wealth, and
all that he has got, that thou mayest indulge in drunkenness, help
the brewer to buy a new coach, a pair of fine horses, a new dray,
and a fine building, that he may live in idleness all his days;
likewise to enable the landlord to purchase a new sign to place over
his door, with “Licensed to be drunk on the Premises” written
thereon.

The foregoing are only a few of the many imitations of the Catechism, others are either too long to quote, or not sufficiently interesting.

There was one published during the Regency, entitled “_A Political Catechism_, dedicated (without permission) to His most Serene Highness _Omar Bashaw_, Bey and Governor of the Warlike City and Kingdom of Algiers; the Earl of Liverpool, Lord Castlereagh, and Co.” _Coventry_: J. Turner. Price Twopence. It was also published in London, by R. Carlile, 1817.

This was written to urge the people to petition the Prince Regent for Parliamentary, and Constitutional Reform.

Another, which was published about three years ago, was styled “_The Conservative Catechism_, or, the Principles of Organised Hypocrisy Explained.” This was issued, at the low price of one penny, by Abel Heywood & Son, Manchester, and had a large sale among the Radical voters at the time of the last Election.

――――:o:――――

The following parody occurred in a sermon preached at St. Paul’s Cross during the reign of James I., by Dr. John Boys, Dean of Canterbury:――

“Our Pope, which art in Rome, cursed be thy name; perish may
thy kingdom; hindered may thy will be, as it is in heaven,
so in earth. Give us this day our cup in the Lord’s Supper;
and remit our moneys which we have given for thy
indulgencies, as we send them back unto thee; and lead us
not into heresy; but free us from misery; for thine is the
infernal pitch and sulphur, for ever and ever. Amen.”

This was printed in Jefferson’s _Entertaining Literary Curiosities_, 1808, and was also referred to by Hone in his trials.

A long article appeared in _Notes and Queries_, August 8, 1885, devoted to the history of the Lord’s Prayer, with variations, paraphrases, imitations, and translations. It gave two curious versions of the Prayer in very early English.

――――

“Monsieur Grévy, qui êtes à l’Elysée, demeurez et faites que nous demeurions toujours dans les sentiments républicains. Touchez vos loyers en paix. Distribuez de bonnes places à vos serviteurs. Rendez des portefeuilles à ceux qui n’en ont plus, continuez a faire grâce aux condamnés comme ils vous feraient grâce eux mêmes, et délivrez-nous des petits papiers. Au nom du beau-père, du gendre, et de Boulanger. Amen!”

――――:o:――――

THE WIFE’S COMMANDMENTS.

I. Thou shalt have none other wife but me.

II. Thou shalt not take into thy house any beautiful brazen image
to bow down to her, nor serve her, for I thy wife am a jealous
wife, visiting the sins of the husband unto thee, etc.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of thy wife in vain.

IV. Remember to keep her respectably.

V. Honour thy wife’s Father and Mother.

VI. Thou shalt not scold.

VII. Thou shalt not find fault with thy dinners.

VIII. Thou shalt rock the cradle during my absence, and shalt
prepare the tea for my return.

IX. Thou shalt not be behind thy neighbours.

X. Thou shalt not visit the whisky tavern, thou shalt not covet
the tavern keeper’s Rum, nor his Brandy, nor his Gin, nor his
Whisky, nor his Wine, nor anything that is behind the bar, nor
in front of the bar of the tavern keeper.

――――

THE HUSBAND’S COMMANDMENTS.

I. Thou shalt have no other Husband but me.

II. Thou shalt not take unto thyself any man wherewith to call him
Husband, to bow down to him, nor to worship him, for I am a
jealous Husband, visiting, etc.

III. Thou shalt not take any other name but that of thine Husband.

IV. Remember to keep him respectably.

V. Honour thy Husband’s lawful commands.

VI. Thou shalt not scold.

VII. Thou shalt not be too fond of fine clothes, but be saving in
all things.

VIII. Thou shalt not gossip with thy Neighbours, but do thy work.

IX. Thou shalt not tell thy Neighbours of any of thine Husband’s
faults.

X. Thou shalt not frequent Theatres, or Music Halls, or Concert
Rooms, or any other place of that kind without thine Husband.

――――

LES X. COMMANDEMENTS DES BAIGNEURS.

De nombreux accidents arrivant chaque année il ne nous paraît pas inutile de rappeller à nos chers lecteurs les dix commandements du grand hygiéniste hongrois, Kruger.

I. Après les émotions vives, ne te baigne pas.

II. Après un malaise subit, ne te baigne pas.

III. Après une nuit d’insomnie, après un excès de fatigue, ne te baigne pas.

IV. Après un repas copieux, après de chaudes libations, ne te baigne pas.

V. Lorsque tu te rends au bain, ne cours pas.

VI. Ne te baigne pas dans une eau dont tu ne connais pas la profondeur.

VII. Déshabille-toi lentement, mais, aussitôt déshabillé, entre dans l’eau.

VIII. Jette-toi dans l’eau la tête la première; si tu ne sais pas plonger, immerge-toi un instant.

IX. Ne reste pas longtemps dans l’eau, à moins que tu ne sois d’un tempérament très fort.

X. Après le bain frictionne-toi, habille-toi promptement, et marche.

――――

THE X COMMANDMENTS OF THE CANTING CREW.

Perhaps the most whimsical laws that were ever prescribed to a gang of thieves were those framed by William Holliday, one of the prigging community, who was hanged in 1695:――

I. That none of his company should presume to wear shirts, upon pain of being cashiered.

II. That none should lie in any other places than stables, empty houses, or other bulks.

III. That they should eat nothing but what they begged, and that they should give away all the money they got by cleaning boots among one another, for the good of the fraternity.

IV. That they should neither learn to read nor write, that he may have them the better under command.

V. That they should appear every morning by nine on the parade, to receive necessary orders.

VI. That none should presume to follow the scent but such as he ordered on that party.

VII. That if any one gave them shoes or stockings, he should convert them into money to play.

VIII. That they should steal nothing they could not come at, for fear of bringing a scandal upon the company.

IX. That they should not endeavour to clear themselves of vermin, by killing or catching them.

X. That they should cant better than the Newgate birds, pick pockets without bungling, outlie a Quaker, outswear a lord at a gaming-table, and brazen out all their villanies beyond an Irishman.

These rules have their counterpart amongst French thieves, whose “Commandements” will be found in Professor Barrère’s _Argot and Slang_.

――――

TEN COMMANDMENTS TO BE OBSERVED BY ALL THE
PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN.

_After the Passing of the Allopathic Trades Union
Medical Bill, of 1877_,

1st. I am thy Family Doctor, duly appointed by the state. I brought thee into this world of sorrow, and so long as thou livest, to thee, in matters medical, it must be a land of bondage.

2nd. Thou shalt have none other Doctor but me.

3rd. Thou shalt not make for thyself any medicine; nor gather any herbs that grow upon the earth, nor in the waters about the earth; thou shalt not use anything, however simple, in treating disease: for I, thy Doctor, am a very jealous man, and for any infraction of this, thy duty, I will visit thy transgression with pains and penalties; yea, I will incarcerate thee into a prison, and so punish for thy doings, those dependent upon thee. And if thou wilt blindly follow my advice, and pay obedience to me, I will promise thee, when ill, that I will bleed, blister, and salivate thee at my pleasure; and so reward thee with a ruined constitution, to drag out a miserable existence for the remainder of thy days.

4th. Thou shalt not speak lightly of my name, for I am protected by law; and the law will not hold him guiltless that interferes in any way with me.

5th. Remember that thou prayest for my welfare when attending thy church on the sabbath day. Six days shalt thou labour to prostrate thy body and work for my fees; but the seventh day is the sabbath, and on that day thou must do nothing towards restoring or improving thy health, or thy wife’s health, or thy children’s health, or above all, thy neighbour’s health; nor must thou think about it, it is something that does not concern thee, I claim that as my special privilege――state protected. I am all powerful in these matters, and as such must be respected.

6th. Honour thy Doctor more than anyone else, for I claim thee, body and soul, whilst residing in England, the land of thy birth.

7th. Thou shalt not think for thyself.

8th. Thou art an Englishman, and the law hath handed thee over to my tender keeping.

9th. Thou shalt never be a Doctor.

10th. Thou shalt not tell thy neighbour of any remedy that will do him good, for I shall watch thy doings jealously. Thou shalt never covet the position of a medical adviser. If thou seest thy neighbour suffering, or his wife suffering, or any of his children suffering and thou art in possession of any remedy that will do them good, thou shalt not advise, nor use it; for I, thy Doctor, state protected, am always watchful, to visit upon thee pains and penalties for any infraction of these my commandments.

――――

LES COMMANDEMENTS DE LA PRESSE.

1. En te fondant tu verseras
Un très gros cautionnement.

2. Les droits du timbre tu pairas
Au fisc quotiediennement.

3. Jamais tu ne censureras
Les actes du gouvernement.

4. Les chambres tu respecteras,
Et les ministres mêmement.

5. De nul citoyen ne diras
Un mot sans son consentement

6. Compte-rendu ne publieras
Parallèle ni autrement.

7. En y manquant tu subiras
L’amende et l’emprissonnement.

8. Chaque amende te mangera
Le tiers du cautionnement.

9. Des droits d’électeur tu sera
Dépossédé par supplément.

10. Le tribunal te suspendra
Pour six mois provisoirement;

11. Et même il te supprimera,
S’il veut, définitivement.

12. Sauf ces réserves, tu pourras
Ecrire et parler librement.

These lines were published in Paris, in 1867, when a new and stringent law considerably curtailed the liberty of the French press. The main idea contained in this epigram is borrowed from Beaumarchais:――

“On me dit que, pendant ma retraite économique, il s’est
établi dans Madrid un système de liberté sur la vente des
productions, qui s’étend meme à celles de la presse; et que,
pourvu que je ne parle en mes écrits ni de l’autorité, ni du
culte, ni de la politique, ni de la morale, ni des gens en
place, ni des corps en crédit, ni de l’Opéra, ni des autres
spectacles, ni de personne qui tienne à quelque chose, je
puis tout imprimer librement, sous l’inspection de deux ou
trois censeurs.”

_Le Mariage de Figaro._ Acte. v. Sc. iii.

――――

BYRON’S POETICAL COMMANDMENTS.

If ever I should condescend to prose,
I’ll write poetical commandments, which
Shall supersede beyond all doubt all those
That went before; in these I shall enrich
My text with many things that no one knows,
And carry precept to the highest pitch:
I’ll call the work “Longinus o’er a Bottle,
Or, Every Poet his _own_ Aristotle.”

Thou shalt believe in Milton, Dryden, Pope;
Thou shalt not set up Wordsworth, Coleridge, Southey;
Because the first is crazed beyond all hope,
The second drunk, the third so quaint and mouthy;
With Crabbe it may be difficult to cope,
And Campbell’s Hippocrene is somewhat drouthy;
Thou shalt not steal from Samuel Rogers, nor
Commit――flirtation with the muse of Moore.

Thou shalt not covet Mr. Sotheby’s Muse,
His Pegasus, nor anything that’s his;
Thou shalt not bear false witness like “the Blues”――
(There’s one, at least, is very fond of this);
Thou shalt not write, in short, but what I choose;
This is true criticism, and you may kiss――――
Exactly as you please, or not, the rod;
But if you don’t, I’ll lay it on, by God!

DON JUAN. Canto I.

――――

Contemporary with Mr. William Hone was a printer and publisher, named Richard Carlile, who, in 1817, had a shop at 183, Fleet Street, London.

He dealt largely in similar publications to those sold by Hone, and indeed reprinted the very parodies for publishing which Hone had been tried and acquitted. Like Hone, too, he was prosecuted by the Government of the day, and in October, 1819, was sentenced to three years’ imprisonment and to pay fines of £1,000 and £500 respectively, for publishing Paine’s “Age of Reason” and Palmer’s “Principles of Nature.” As he would not, or could not, pay these heavy fines, he was kept in prison until 1825.

Carlile republished _Wat Tyler_, a work which had been written by Robert Southey, when an ardent young Republican, but which, when he became Poet Laureate, and a pensioner of the Tory Government, he was very anxious should be forgotten. Southey endeavoured to prohibit the republication, but to no purpose, and over twenty-five thousand copies of the work were sold. Carlile also edited _The Republican_, _The Lion_, _The Gauntlet_, _The Christian Warrior_, and other publications. He was born at Ashburton in 1790, and died in 1843; his body, after having been dissected at St. Thomas’s Hospital at his own request, was buried in Kensal Green Cemetery.

Even those who agreed with Carlile’s very advanced theories were compelled to admit that he was a most eccentric individual, and his publications are decidedly inferior in literary merit to those issued by Hone. One of these was entitled _The Bullet Te Deum with the Canticle of the Stone_, 1817, a political parody of “Te Deum Laudamus.” He published another two-penny political pamphlet (ascribed to Professor Porson), called “_A New Catechism for the use of the Swinish Multitude_. Necessary to be had in all Sties.” This was written partly in answer to Burke’s celebrated essay on the Sublime and the Beautiful. But of all Carlile’s political parodies probably the following was the best. It was entitled――

THE ORDER FOR THE
_Administration of the Loaves and Fishes_; or,
The Communion of Corruption’s Host;
_Diligently corrected and revised_.
Commanded to be read at the Treasury the day preceding
all Cabinet Dinners.

THE ORDER, &c. &c.

¶ So many as intend to be partakers of the LOAVES and FISHES, shall signify their names to the Chief Minister, at least some days before the meeting of Parliament.