Chapter V: Act IV: At the base of Mount Vesuvius

_Enter the_ PRINCE of EAREIGH, _heavily enveloped in an elegant black velvet opera cloak._

GIMFRISKY. They think they have eluded me, and although this is a hard place to make a corner, I'll be--

LUCY. What a beautiful--(LUCY and CLEONI _having entered_, R.H.)

CLEONI. Yes, here will we dwell until--But what form is that?

[_The_ PRINCE _here throws off the aforesaid black velvet opera cloak, and appears in a dress somewhat à la Sing Sing and Charlestown, to wit, one-half in an Admiral's uniform, the other half being that of a military officer._]

GIMFRISKY. My dear friends, I have no refreshments here to offer you, but I will show you the crater, if you will follow me.

LUCY. Lead on, thou gay and festive youth.

CLEONI. This gittin' up is somewhat rugged--

GIMFRISKY. Aye, but I'm used to that kind of business; but here we are at the top.

[_At this moment an awful eruption takes place, and all are enveloped in smoke. Soon this clears away, and above the crater appear two huge paws, holding the_ PRINCE _head downwards, while_ LUCY _and_ CLEONI _may be seen in loving embrace, sitting under a balloon, and steering due West._]

_Epilogue by_ C. SUMNER, Esq.,--"Sweet are the uses of adversity."

_Curtain falls to slow and solemn music._

* * * * *

A LONG SHOT.

MR. DISRAELI, in "LOTHAIR," introduces a roving Oxford professor, whom he characterizes as a "social parasite." Mr. GOLDWIN SMITH is a roving Oxford professor, who happens now to be amongst us, and who immediately places upon his head, and ties tightly under his chin, the cap hung out by the author of LOTHAIR. According to Mr. SMITH'S letter to the gay LOTHAIRIO, published in the _Tribune_, the cap fits him to a hair, whereupon he ungratefully shakes his fist at the donor of it across the Atlantic, and stigmatizes him as a coward. This may lead to a long-shot duel between the aggressor and the aggrieved. Mr. GOLDWIN SMITH, for instance, who, in addition to being a roving professor, seems to have become a raving professor, may go so far as to jerk the word "coward!" at the teeth of Mr. DISRAELI, through the Atlantic cable. "Glad the cap fits!" would probably be the prompt response from the trans-Atlantic party; and thus the culminating Billingsgate might be bandied about beneath the ocean until all the mermaids turned to fish-wives, and learned to be so vile in their language as to shock even VENUS ANADYOMENE, and send her blushing away to the darkest grottoes of the deep.

* * * * *

ORGANIZING AN ORGAN.

To Mr. PUNCHINELLO'S great disgust, the managers of the coming Beethoven Festival in New York sent to Boston to borrow the great organ used in the Coliseum. Fortunately it is found that there is not time to move the monster here, and put it up. Now let us have an organ that is an organ--something entirely original--an organ with meerschaum pipes, specie-paying banks of keys, stops calculated to produce a maximum of go, with the Rev. Mr. BELLOWS to furnish the music power and the Rev. HENRY WARD BEECHER to supply the wind. Let us have an organ which will surpass all other organs in the world, whether the same be political, phrenological or physical!

* * * * *

ERRATUM.

A Bavarian Princess has been announced as lecturing in this city on the "Equality of Women."

For "Equality of Women" read "He quality of Women."

* * * * *

"AND WE MUST SUMMON THE LAW TO OUR AID.----IT CAN HELP US MATERIALLY IN OUR WARFARE WITH THE COWARDLY VAGABONDS WHO TRAVERSE OUR FIELDS WITH MUSKET OR RIFLE, BLAZING AWAY AT EVERY UNSUSPECTING ROBIN OR THRUSH THAT THEY CAN DISCOVER. MAKE IT TRESPASS, PUNISHABLE WITH FINE AND IMPRISONMENT, TO SHOOT ON ANOTHER'S LAND WITHOUT HIS EXPRESS PERMISSION, AND THE COWARDLY MASSACRE OF THE FARMERS' HUMBLE ALLIES WOULD BE CHECKED AT ONCE."

_Mr._ GREELEY'S _"What I Know about Farming," Tribune, June 4._]

* * * * *

PHILADELVINGS.

It would be a good thing for New Yorkers, when they feel a little dull, to take a run over to Philadelphia and be amused. The good Quakers have all the hail-holes in their windows mended now, and they are as lively as ever. Among other things, they have two rival variety theatres, "Fox's" and the "Chestnut;" and the efforts of each of these to excel the other creates the greatest excitement among the young Broadbrims. Each establishment is continually adding something new and wonderful to its attractions. A week or so ago the weather was very warm, and the vegetable theatre announced that it was the coolest place in the city. The next week it was damp and cold, and the animal establishment declared that its building was the hottest in town. One has a _danseuse_ who spins around so fast that she bores a hole in the floor of the stage with her toe; and to emulate this, the other produces sixty danseuses, all imported from Europe, who spin around so fast that you cannot see them at all. They are all there on the stage, but from the rising to the falling of the curtain, their velocity is such that they are absolutely invisible. The one announces no tedious waits; the other no tiresome measures. Fox guarantees no jokes of his stale; but this statement is ridiculed in the Chestnut bur-letta. The one advertises itself as the cradle of wit, but the other does not abate its scoffin' a whit. The one has a fountain of real water and MORLACCHI; while the other would have the Gulf Stream, if it did not lack MAURY.

But these are not the only peculiarities of Philadelphia amusements. A short time ago, the Conchological Society of that city gave a concert. Did anybody ever hear of a Conchological Concert before? This affair was a success, owing, perhaps, to its novel programme. "Shells of Ocean" was of course sung as a solo, a duet, and a chorus; and SHELLEY'S "Nightingale" was set to music and played as a 'cello solo. A variation, for the piano, on CRABB ROBINSON'S diary, was also given. The "Conquering Hero" was sung, and indeed the music dealers declared that to furnish suitable selections for the performers at this concert, they had stripped their shelves. Many of the "Hard Shell" Baptists took an active part in the affair, and SHELTON MCKENZIE was one of its principal supporters. It is pleasant to learn that the proceeds of the concert were satisfactory, for the members of the society were obliged to shell out liberally in order to get it up. A little disturbance was created at one time, by an unruly boy, who became clamorous for an _encore,_ and remonstrances only made the young cub boisterous, but one of the officers threatening to knock him higher than a conchite on Mount Lebanon, he quieted down. The hall was illuminated by _tentaculites_, and presented a brilliant appearance. Most of the audience resided out at Chelton Heights, and a heavy rain, which came up after the performance, made them very glad to reach the shelter of their homes.

The Presbyterians had a lively time among the Quakers for a couple of weeks. As they are now a united body, "Old School" and "New School" are things of the past. But it must not be supposed that reference is made to old SCHOOL of the _Evening Star_. He is not a thing of the past; and it is one of the pleasantest recreations of the Philadelphians to sit at their front windows and listen to his thirty thousand newsboys sing together their vesper hymn--"Star of the Ee-e-e-vening! Doub-ull-sheet-Star!"

Another peculiarity of Philadelphia is the way it utilizes its Fire Department. Not long ago, a company of firemen, returning from a fire, beheld a man trying to break into a house. The company immediately comprehended that it was its duty to arrest that man. And so the Head Man he blew his horn, and away they went, "apparatus" and all, after the burglar, who had now taken to his heels. The bells rang, the men shouted; and amid cries of "Sock her down, boys! Roll her, boys, roll her! Hi! yi! yi!" the novel chase went on. But, as they could not overtake the fleet-footed thief, a stream of water was played upon him, but without stopping him. A hook-and-ladder company now coming up, an effort was made to clap a ladder against the fugitive, but it could not be done. And, after all, he escaped.

But to prevent too great an emigration of "the dangerous class" to Philadelphia, it may be stated that that city does not rely entirely upon its Fire Department to catch its thieves.

* * * * *

_Dr. Schenck._ "HOW IS UNCLE SAM'S INCOME PULSE?"

_Dr. Delano._ "VERY LOW. WE HAVE BLED HIM PRETTY FREELY, BUT MUST KEEP BLEEDING HIM TO THE LAST DROP."]

* * * * *

LINES BY A HAPLESS SWAIN.

In ancient times, when suitors went to woo,
And heartless maids would send them hopeless back,
Lest the fond swains their courtship should renew,
The cruel belles would tender them the "sack."

And if one dared again renew the suit,
By ill success made desperate and bolder,
He fared still worse. From pa he gets a boot,
From her poor fellow!--only a cold shoulder.

Our modern usage in the Court of Love
Is, when the youth by some fair maid is smitten.
In token of his suit he sends a glove;
His suit rejected--she returns a "mitten."

Such is my hapless case, oh! cruel fair
Who sent this mitten--emblem of my fate;
But why the dickens didn't you send a pair--
For what's the use of one, without a mate?

* * * * *

PROPOSED MATCH.

The bull-frog weighing six pounds, recently captured at Bedford, Ind. has been forwarded to the office of Punchinello, where it may now be seen without charge. We have made arrangements with Mr. Gilmore, late of the late Boston Coliseum, to put this fine artist through a regular musical course, and he will appear in the orchestra at the New-York Beethoven Festival, in a new overture entitled "The Music of the Marshes." This piece will contain several obligato passages written expressly for our Bull-Frog. After this, we shall challenge Mr. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN to compete in public speaking with the Frog of PUNCHINELLO, for a purse of $20,000--Mr. TRAIN to speak ten minutes solo; the Frog to croak ten minutes; and then both to speak and croak in duet also for ten minutes--the most sonorous performer to take the money.

* * * * *

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Maud Miller._--Move to Chicago and get a divorce. No doubt the Judge would take the hint.

_Algernon Sw-nb--ne._--We are obliged to decline your contribution. The verses are very pretty, but the morals of our paper must be preserved.

_U.S.G._--The expression, "The United States is at peace," is ungrammatical, but you did perfectly right in writing to Punchinello before believing it.

_Susan B. Anth-ny._--You are mistaken. DARWIN nowhere mentions any process of natural selection by which a woman may in time become a man.

_Hon. Benj. Disraeli._--The expression, "I will put a head on you," which you say Prof. G-LDW-N SM-TH uses in a cable dispatch to you, is merely a slang phrase which he has probably learned from his trainer.

_Payne Collier._--There is more than one Irishman in SHAKSPEARE. It appears from the text of _Hamlet_ that he was on the most friendly terms with the "melancholy Dane," from the familiar way in which the latter addresses him:

_Ham._ "Now might I do it, PAT." _(Hamlet, Act III, Scene III.)_

It is impossible to say now whether the PAT in question was a Fenian or not.

_Jack Ketch._--We think that listening to a debate in the House of Representatives may fairly be considered the worst form of Capitol punishment.

_Potter._--No, no. COLENSO was born in England. Though he was Bishop of Natal, it was not his Natal place.

_Poetaster._--Was not HAFIZ a Persian poet.

_Answer._--Yes. Poor fellow! he spent HAFIZ life in making rhymes.

_J. F.--y._--Rumor says that Mr. W.B. OGDEN intends to defer commencing to build the Central Underground Railroad until the new Court House is finished.

* * * * *

WORDS AND THEIR ABUSES. Mr. THURLOW WEED, in an entertaining article in the _Galaxy_ for May, sheds some long-desired light on the origin of the term "governor," as employed by filial affection to denote the paternal parent. On reading this, we were instantly reminded of a little bit of historical philology which Mr. FROUDE has somehow strangely omitted to chronicle in that portion of his delightful romance which is founded on the life of ELIZABETH. This somewhat distinguished lady, in company with Mrs. STOWE, GRACE DARLING, RALEIGH, Dr. FRANKLIN and others, was once taking tea by special invitation in the back parlor at Kenilworth, when the conversation turned on boating. RALEIGH, who, from his experience, was quite at home on that topic, playfully wagered his best peaked ruff that LEICESTER could not prevail on either of the ladies there present to venture with him on the lake in his new ten-oared lap-streak wherry. The Earl was roughly piqued by this taunt, being secretly proud of his aquatic accomplishments, and, turning hastily to the Queen, he remarked:

"And yet the lady lives who ventures wheresoever I may lead."

"Prithee, brave Earl," interrupted the Queen, in high dudgeon, "will you impart to us her name?"

An awkward pause ensued, when LEICESTER, fixing his aquiline eye piercingly upon ELIZABETH'S face, replied, in a tone of the deepest respect, "YOU, BET!"

This expression has ever since held its place as a maxim of polite conversation.

* * * * *

An Irrational Proceeding

Sending Fenians to Canada without Rations.

* * * * *

THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.

WATTS PHILLIPS has written a comprehensive drama, entitled NOT GUILTY, and the managers of NIBLO'S GARDEN have produced it. Comprehensive is the best word with which to describe it, since it comprehends an epitome of English history at home and in the colonies during, a period of ten years, together with observations on prison discipline, and the recruiting system, interspersed with comic songs and jokes translated from the Sanscrit. It is a complete guide in morals and manners for the young soldier, the intelligent convict, and the aspiring thief. It is well, it is as follows: