Chapter IX: Act IV: Scene, COLONEL WILLOUGHBY'S house in England. Enter COMIC

CONVICT _and two old pals_.

COMIC CONVICT. "I have found the Warden who used to cane us at the Quarries. We will have him soon." _They hide behind a cabbage. Enter_ WILLOUGHBY _and_ ARNOLD.

ARNOLD. "You promised in India to let me marry the heroine."

WILLOUGHBY. "You lie, you villain, you lie."

ARNOLD, "My friend, you are sadly changed. Wait a moment, till everybody comes in and forms a neat group, and I will explain myself." (_Everybody comes in and forms group_.)

WILLOUGHBY, "You are a self-proclaimed liar. Proceed!"

ARNOLD. "You are not WILLOUGHBY. You are--"

COMIC CONVICT. "SILAS GARRETT, the man who stole the money which ARNOLD was thought to have stolen. Police, do your duty." (_The police--not being the real thing, but only supes in police uniform--do their duty and arrest_ WILLOUGHBY.) _Somebody remarks that_ ARNOLD _is_ NOT GUILTY. COMIC CONVICT _receives a full pardon, and a matrimonial mania seizes upon everybody. About this time it occurs to the stage manager that the play might as well end. Accordingly it ends_.

_Everybody in the Audience_. "I don't begin to see into the plot yet, but if some one would explain why Mrs. ARMITAGE became a fashionable lady with a fondness for looking at convicts; why SILAS became a Warden and afterwards went to India; why ARNOLD passed himself off upon his regiment as an officer, merely because he had stolen a private's clothes; why everybody, whether free or in prison, dead or alive, went to the Quarries, to India, and back again to WILLOUGHBY'S country-seat with unfailing unanimity; why, in short, things were as WATTS PHILLIPS assures us that they were, I might begin to have some idea of what the play is about."

But then--the undersigned would respectfully ask--what would one gain by understanding the play? He would find it noisy and tedious, even if it were intelligible. The admirable acting of Messrs. OWEN FAWCETT and F.F. MACKAY, in the slight and subordinate parts allotted to them, would still be overshadowed by the melodramatic absurdity of Mr. WALCOT. Miss IRENE GAY could not look prettier than she does, nor could Mrs. WALCOT be more thoroughly pleasing; but the drums would be just as intolerable, were the plot as plain as a strong-minded woman. And then, after all, there are many reasons why WATTS PHILLIPS, when unintelligible, is decidedly preferable to WATTS PHILLIPS when made plain to the weakest intellect.

MATADOR.

* * * * *

WHITE LIES.

Most of the complimentary marble busts of departed heroes.

* * * * *

HEROES OF THE WAR

HE ROSE BY THE WAR.]

* * * * *

OUR PORTFOLIO.

A few days ago PUNCHINELLO had occasion to call upon that most puissant chief of the tribe Tammany, known in the Indian vernacular as "Big Six." P. had a disagreeable presentiment that his path to the throne of this man's greatness would not be strewn with flowers. He had listened to the melancholy experience of others who went before and came away not only with blighted hopes, but soiled garments and abraded shins. Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO felt that, as it was his duty, he would not be affrighted by the formidable character of the undertaking, but go and judge of the difficulties in the way for himself. Accordingly he went. Arriving within three hundred yards of the portal which conducted to the charmed circle where "Big Six" held court, he was not astonished at the spectacle of fourteen hundred Irishmen, twenty-seven Germans, and three boys, all crowding, in no little confusion, to get a glimpse of the space behind the door. The approach of PUNCHINELLO was announced by a portly policeman with a round red nose and a black eye, who hung upon the outskirts and occasionally cursed those Irishmen who seemed to forget the proprieties of the place by making such remarks as--

"Arrah, PADDY O'NEILL, will ye jist keep aff me toes, or be gorrah I'll giv' ye a clout in the shnoot."

"An' do ye take me for a fool, BARNEY RYAN, that I'd be afther lettin' ye do the like o' that?"

"Moind yersilves there!" "Howld yer tongues!" "May the divil ate yez! but the best of yez hashn't the manners of a pig!" Amid such pleasant ebullitions of Celtic amiability, PUNCHINELLO succeeded in carving his way to the door, when it suddenly opened, and a tall, lean, cadaverous man, who looked like the ghost of some Fenian leader, bawled at the top of his voice:

"Go an out o' this, all of yiz; Mr. TWADE won't see another of yiz this blissid day."

It seemed as though the crowd had only been waiting for this signal; for they gave one wild shout, and rushed through the open portal like a pent-up stream breaking its dam.

PUNCHINELLO felt himself lifted from his feet and whirled along with the current. Resistance was useless; but being in the van, he was the first to alight upon the middle of a table covered with papers, before which sat, in a large arm-chair, his eyes wide open with astonishment, and his face red with anger, the great Chief of Tammany.

PUNCHINELLO immediately extricated himself from this ridiculous situation by rolling on to the floor, with all the grace peculiar to him. Then, instantly rising, he grasped "Big Six" by the hand, exclaiming:

"Beg ten thousand pardons, sir, but it wasn't PUNCHINELLO'S motion that he should be laid upon the table."

"No, be Jabers," ejaculated an excited member of the throng; "but it's me, MOIKE FINNEY, that wud lay ye under it!"

"Will you hold your tongue!" shouted Big Six.

"I axes yer Honor's pardon, but be the sowl of me I couldn't help it, with that 'ere spalpeen sprawlin' ferninst me there among yer Honor's papers."

"Put these wretches out," said the Chief, with great dignity, to the officers in attendance.

"Mr. TWADE! Mr. TWADE! an' I have Altherman MOONEY'S wurd for it that ye had that job in the Parek fur me as shure as whiskey's whiskey, so I have," screamed a voice, growing louder as the officers obeyed the injunction of the Chief, and forced the crowd back.

"Och, murther! but I belave it's all a loi, now. I'll see MOONEY, so I will."

Perhaps a hundred such appeals, all at the same time, and all with more or less violence, were hurled at "Big Six," who grasped the back of his chair with the supreme indifference of a man accustomed to such experiences, and calmly surveyed the retreating horde until the last man disappeared across the threshold, and the doors were once again closed.

"I shall never forget this sight, sir," said PUNCHINELLO. "It's too much for good nature."

"Good nature!" exclaimed the Big Ingin, "why, my dear PUNCHINELLO, I haven't got any of it left. If I had, these cormorants would take me by violence every day in the week. No, no; good nature, indeed! We who sit for the distribution of the public patronage want brazen faces and cast-iron hearts. That's the only way a man can get along here, and if PUNCHINELLO should ever be so miserable as to go through with what I do, let him remember what I said about brazen faces and cast-iron hearts;" and then "Big Six," locking his arm in that of PUNCHINELLO, walked out of the office by a side door.

* * * * *

A MEDICAL MISS.

Miss MARY EDITH PECHEY, a surgical student of the Edinburgh University, complains of one of the professors of that institution, a Dr. CRUM BROWN. This crusty CRUM refuses to award her the HOPE scholarship, and offers her instead a medal of bronze. Miss PECHEY very properly characterizes this conduct as that of a brazen meddler who would deprive her of hope. The quarrel is not yet ended, but it strikingly illustrates the trouble a Crumb can give when it goes the wrong way.

* * * * *

KING CRAFT LOOKING UP.

Probably many of the present suffering monarchs of Europe, being of a superstitious turn, and given to the pondering of portents, will be much revived and stimulated by the news that an animal called "Kingcraft" has won the Derby against fourteen horses with more republican names. What astonishes Mr. PUNCHINELLO is, that a steed with such a name should be reported as having "behaved beautifully throughout the race." With Kingcraft he has not been accustomed to associate the beautiful, but, on the other hand, quite the contrary and _vice-versâ_. Still, it must be admitted that in these latter days, the craft of Kings has frequently been demonstrated by their talent for running; and nobody can have forgotten the remarkable time made on his leaving France, by the fugitive LOUIS PHILLIPPE. When Monsieur L.N.B.'s turn comes he will find it hard work to beat his predecessor.

* * * * *

CONDENSED CONGRESS.

Senate.

Senator MORTON was wrought up about the sufferings of the Jews in Roumania. It might be said that it was none of his business, but he begged to state that many of his constituents were Jews. Under these circumstances he felt it to be the duty of his blood to boil over the recital of the wrongs of the Jews in Roumania.

Mr. SUMNER was of the opinion that it was a gross outrage, as he also had some Jewish constituents, but as they were not very numerous, the shrewdness of the Massachusetts Christian being ordinarily an overmatch for the shrewdness of the 'Ebrew Jew, his blood only simmered softly over the intelligence. But he had an interest in the question of eternal justice involved, and he was free to say that it was not correct to fry, boil, or in any way cook a Jew as a Jew. Mr. SUMNER then sent to the clerk's desk, and had read the statements of Shylock, which, he observed, were written by the immortal SHAKSPEARE, relative to the endowment of the Israelite with the usual limbs and features of other members of society.

Mr. SPRAGUE mentioned that the Jews were persecuted because they were rich. If the Senate were to allow this sort of thing to go on unrebuked, the whole population of Rhode Island might say of their solvent Senator, "Come, let us kill him, and the Pequashmeag Mills shall be ours." Let the Senate think what an awful privation that would be.

This completely overcame the Senate, and it passed resolutions of inquiry and indignation.

The Indian question came up, closely followed by THAYER, (of Nebraska,) who observed that his constituents had the most rooted objection to being scalped, and that they did not even contemplate with pleasure the prospect of having their horses stolen or their habitations burned down. These feelings were perhaps culpable, but certainly natural, and he wished the Senate would consider them, if it had any sensibilities to spare from the wrongs of the red man.

Mr. MORTON said that he remarked the proceedings of the children of the forest rather in sorrow than in anger. The forefathers of his eminent friends, Scalper of the Pale Face, Stealer of Horses, and Blinker at the Inn, had possessed this continent, and he would not be willing to say that they had not shown as much sense as the present Congress in governing it. If the remembrance of their former glories occasionally instigated them to impale babies and scalp women, we ought to remember the beautiful hymn which begins, "Speak gently to the erring," and give them whiskey and gunpowder, instead of treating them with harshness.

Mr. FERRY was informed that an American citizen had been imprisoned in St. Domingo, and kept there at the suggestion of a United States officer, for fear he should divulge matters prejudicial to the little game for the annexation of that island.

Mr. CHANDLER said any man who objected to that proposition was a vile scoundrel who ought to be imprisoned. If he had his way he would have him hanged. The man who defended such a movement was no better than himself. The annexation of St. Domingo would lead as to perfect bliss, and the man who objected to it would murder his aged mother, or even oppose going to war with Great Britain.

HOUSE.

Mr. SCHENCK remarked that his tariff bill had been beaten, but that he would introduce another bill, which he did. The other bill is the same bill, except that the duty on medullary sutures is reduced one cent per million, and the duty on participial adjectives is increased one per cent, _ad valorem_, which, as SCHENCK observed, would not bear heavily upon Congressmen.

Mr. COVODE said this bill ought to be passed, because his colleague Mr. WOODWARD, was in sympathy with the red-handed rebels who had tried to displace him, Mr. COVODE.

Mr. WOODWARD wanted to know what COVODE was talking about.

The speaker called Mr. WOODWARD to order, upon the ground that it was notorious that COVODE never talked about anything, and it was unparliamentary and insulting for one member to interrupt another while making a confidential communication to his constituents.

Mr. COVODE further remarked that the bill ought to be passed because all the members who did not agree with him in his estimation of his usefulness were opposed to it.

This affected the House to tears, and they passed the bill, SCHENCK and KELLEY fell upon one another's neck and exchanged tokens of Ohio pig-iron and Pennsylvania coal.

* * * * *

SONG OF THE MOSQUITO.

"Home again--home again--
From a foreign shore!
And oh, it fills my soul with joy,
To greet my friends once more."
[It does, indeed!]

I bring you no new song, my friends,
I wear no fancy clothes;
I know you love me for myself,
For I believe your oaths!
I feel I'm lovely! When I come
For once you're blest indeed.
I know I'm all in all to you;
For me you gladly bleed!

Oh, yes! I am a thing of joy!
My tones are passing sweet;
I thrill you with my melody
So simple, yet complete!
"Ah! there he is!" you softly cry,
And breathless watch my flight--
Unless, indeed, I have you there,
By coming in the night!

It is not every visitor
Who brings a band along!
Who celebrates his friendliness
In melody and song!
It is a graceful compliment,
Which I can well afford
To those who gladly welcome me--
And furnish all my board!

A serenade at dewy eve--
How grateful to the sense!
Who stays to calculate the cost--
The paltry recompense!
"What cheerful little sprite is this
That carols as he goes?"--
You'll learn, my pretty one! when I
Alight upon your nose!

I would not plead for robbery,
I would not use deceit;
And yet, 'tis plain to candid minds,
Philanthropists must eat!
I dare not taste the juicy grape;
But Nature bids me see
The blood that first was wine in you
May turn to wine in me!

'Tis but a tiny drop--a speck,--
One sip is all I've quaffed!
My plethoric old Wall street friend,
Was it an over draft?
Say rather that you took my stock
To "bear," as oft before,
And now are scratching round to raise
A margin for some more!

* * * * *

BOOK NOTICE.

THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE. New York: NELSON CHESMAN.

This is a very useful book of reference. In addition to biographical sketches of certain shrewd men who know the value of advertising and of being advertised--it contains an American Newspaper Rate Book, and an American Newspaper Directory. The book is neatly and substantially got up by G.P.

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EXTRAORDINARY

BARGAINS!

Closing out Sales of

Ladies', Misses' and Children's Silk, Poplin, Grenadine, Barege, Linen, Lawn, Cambric and Pique

Plain and Braided Suits, Dresses,

ETC., ETC.,

Of PARIS & DOMESTIC MANUFACTURE.

Our customers and strangers are respectfully invited to examine.

A. T. STEWART & CO.,

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* * * * *

A. T. STEWART & CO.

HAVE MADE

A Large Reduction

In all the prices of

SILKS, DRESS GOODS, _Ladies', Misses' and Children's_

READY MADE GARMENTS AND UNDERWEAR,

_Of Every Description._

Millinery, Flowers, Feathers, &c., viz.:

HEAVY BLACK AND WHITE CHECK SILKS, Fresh Goods, only $1.23 per yd., recently, $1.75

EXTRA HEAVY STRIPED, $1.50 and $1.75, recently $2 and 2.23.

A Job Lot of

JAPANESE POPLINS, at 50 cents per yard, value $1.

RICH FANCY POPLINS, at 65 cts. per yard, value $1.25.

A Large Line of

WASH POPLINS, BAREGES, &c., nice goods only, at 12-1-2 cts. per yard.

CHINE POPLINS, 3-4 yards wide, reduced to 25 cents.

WIDE MOHAIR LUSTRES, fine quality, choice seasonable colors, only 40 Cents.

LADIES' LINEN SUITS, handsomely trimmed, $8 each and upward.

VICTORIA LAWN SUITS, handsomely trimmed, $10 each and upward.

Boys' Ready-Made Clothing,

EMBROIDERIES, LACES, LLAMA LACE SHAWLS AND SACQUES,

At Extremely Low Prices.

BROADWAY,

4th. Ave., 9th and 1Oth Sts.

* * * * *

A. T. STEWART & Co.

Have made LARGE ADDITIONS to their Stock of

5-FRAME ENGLISH BRUSSELS

At $2 per Yard.

And will offer a Superior Quality of

English Tapestry Brussels,

At $1.25 per Yard.

CROSSLEY'S EXTRA ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS, $1.50 per Yard.

_Axminsters, Moquettes, Royal Wiltons, Velvets, Rugs, Mats, English and Domestic Oil-Cloths, Cocoa and Canton Matting, Etc., Etc.,_

AT EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE PRICES.

BROADWAY,

4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.

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