Chapter I (2)

Could anything have been more lamentable and disgusting? If the sudden and unexpected sight of his mother had been calculated in any degree to subdue, for a moment, his feelings, what ensued within a minute or two afterwards was sufficient to excite his sternest mood; for as soon as ever the head of his procession became visible to the crowd on the green, there arose a tremendous storm of yelling, hooting, hissing, and groaning: and when Mr. Delamere made his appearance in front of the hustings, you might have imagined that you were witnessing the reception given to some loathsome miscreant mounting the gallows to expiate with his life a hideous and revolting crime. He advanced, nevertheless, with a smile of cheerful resolution and good-humor, though he changed color a little; and, taking off his hat, bowed in all directions. Gracious Heaven! what a contrast he presented to his popular rival, Mr. Titmouse, who stood grinning and winking to the wretches immediately underneath, evidently with a spiteful gratification at the treatment which his opponent was experiencing. Any one on the hustings or in the crowd had but to call out "Three cheers for Mr. Titmouse!" to be instantly obeyed; then "Three _groans_ for the young boroughmonger!" were responded to with amazing vehemence and effect. Viewed from a distance sufficient to prevent your observing the furious faces of the dense mob, and hearing the opprobrious epithets which were levelled against the unpopular candidate, the scene appeared both interesting and exciting. On the outskirts of the crowd were to be seen a great number of carriages, both close and open, principally occupied by ladies--and I need hardly say who was the favorite in _those_ quarters. Then the rival bands moved continually about, playing well-known national airs; while the banners and flags, blue and yellow, heightened the exhilarating and picturesque effect of the whole. The hustings were strong and commodious; Mr. Titmouse and his friends stood on the right, Mr. Delamere and his friends on the left side. He was dressed in a simple dark blue surtout and plain black stock. He was tall, elegant, and easy in his person, appearance, and gestures; his countenance was prepossessing, and bespoke a little excitement, which did not, however, obscure its good-nature. And beside him stood his mover and seconder, Mr. Gold and Mr. Milnthorpe: the two late members; and about twenty or thirty other gentlemen--the whole party forming such a strong contrast to their opponents, as must have challenged any one's observation in an instant. Titmouse stood in the centre, leaning (as he supposed) gracefully, against the front bar; on his right stood the burly, slovenly figure of Sir Harkaway Rotgut Wildfire, with his big, bloated, blotchy face: on Mr. Titmouse's left stood his proposer, the "Reverend" Smirk Mudflint. His lean, sallow face wore a very disagreeable and bitter expression, which was aggravated by a sinister cast of one of his eyes. He was dressed in black, with a white neckerchief and no shirt-collar. Next to him stood Going Gone, Esq., Mr. Titmouse's seconder, with a ruddy complexion, light hair, a droll eye, and an expression of coarse but by no means ill-natured energy. Gammon stood immediately behind Titmouse, into whose ear he whispered frequently and anxiously. There were also the Reverend Gideon Fleshpot, (though he evidently did not wish to make himself conspicuous,) Mr. Glister, Mr. Grogram, Mr. Woodlouse, Mr. Centipede, Mr. Ginblossom, Mr. Hic Hæc Hoc, the Messrs. Bloodsuck, father and son--and other "leading Liberals." The business of the day having been opened, with the ordinary formalities, by the returning officer, he earnestly besought the assembled multitude to remember that they were Englishmen, and to give both parties fair play, allowing every one who might address them from the hustings, to be heard without serious interruption. It had been arranged between the two committees that Mr. Titmouse should be first proposed; and the moment, therefore, that the returning officer ceased speaking, the "Reverend" Mr. Mudflint took off his hat and prepared to address the "electors;" but he had to wait for at least three minutes, in order that the applause with which he had been greeted might subside; during which little anxious interval, he could not help directing towards his opponents a look of bitter exultation. He spoke with the self-possession, fluency, and precision of a practised public speaker. If the day's proceedings were to take their tone from that of the opening speech, 't was a thousand pities that it had fallen to the lot of the "Reverend" Mr. Mudflint to deliver it. He had so clear a voice, spoke with such distinctness and deliberation, and amid such silence, that every word he uttered was audible all over the crowd; and anything more unchristian, uncourteous, unfair, towards his opponents, and calculated to excite towards them the hatred of the crowd, could hardly have been conceived. In what offensive and indecent terms he spoke of the Established Church and its ministers! of the aristocracy, ("those natural tyrants," he said,) and indeed of all the best and time-hallowed institutions of dear glorious old England--which might, by the way, well blush to own such a creature as he, as one entitled by birth to call himself one of her sons! How he hailed the approaching downfall of "_priest-craft_" and "_king-craft_!"--"A new light," he said, "was diffusing itself over benighted mankind--'t was the pure and steady light of REASON, and all filthy things were flying from before it," (immense cheers followed the announcement of this important and interesting fact.) "The Bible," he said, "was a book of excellent common sense; and nothing but villanous priestcraft had attempted to torture and dislocate it into all sorts of fantastic mysteries, which led to rank idolatry and blasphemy, equally revolting to God and man." (Perceiving, from the coolness with which it was received, that this was going a _little_ too rapidly a-head, he dropped that subject altogether, and soon regained the ear of his audience, by descanting in very declamatory and inflammatory terms upon the resplendent victory which the people had recently gained in the glorious Bill for giving Everybody Everything.) "They had burst their bonds with a noble effort; but their chains would be quickly re-riveted, unless they followed up their advantage, and never stopped short of crushing a heartless, tyrannical, and insolent oligarchy; unless the people were now true to themselves, and returned to the House of Commons men resolved to watch over the energies of reviving liberty, lest they should be strangled in their way--(the remainder of the sentence was inaudible in the storm of applause which it excited.) Under these circumstances, Providence itself had pointed out an individual whom he was proud and happy to propose to their notice--(here he turned and bowed to Mr. Titmouse, who, plucking off his hat, bobbed in return, amid the deafening cheers of all before them, to whom also he bowed repeatedly.) A gentleman who seemed, as it were, made for them; who, in his own person, might be said to afford a lively illustration of the regeneration of society--who, to borrow for a moment an absurd word from his opponents, had by a sort of _miracle_ (with what an infernal emphasis he pronounced this word!) been placed where he was, in his present proud position; who had totally and happily changed the whole aspect of affairs in the neighborhood, which had already become the scene of his profuse and yet discriminating generosity and hospitality; who stood in bright and bold relief from out a long gloomy line of ancestors, all of whom, he lamented to say, had lived and died in enmity to the people, and had distinguished themselves by nothing except their bigotry, and hatred of civil and religious liberty. Mr. Titmouse was the first of his ancient family to claim the proud title of the--Man of the People. (Here a voice called out, 'three cheers for Mr. Titmouse!'--which were given spontaneously, and most effectively.) His '_Address_' was worthy of him--it did equal honor to his head and his heart, (it is impossible to describe the smile which here just glanced over the countenance of Mr. Gammon,) touching nothing that it did not adorn--at once bold, explicit, comprehensive, and uncompromising!--He had had the felicity of enjoying the acquaintance, he might venture perhaps to say, the friendship, of Mr. Titmouse, since he had taken up his abode at the home of his ancestors, and very proud was he--Mr. Mudflint--to be able to say so. He could assure the electors, from his own personal knowledge of Mr. Titmouse, that they would have cause to be proud of their future representative--of the choice which they were about to make. (Here the worthy speaker had some sudden misgivings as to the display likely to be made by Titmouse, when it came to his turn to address the electors:--so he added in _rather_ a subdued tone)--It was true that they might not have, in Mr. Titmouse, a magpie in the House, (_laughter_,) a mere chatterer--much cry and little wool; they had had enough of mere speechifiers at St. Stephen's--but they would have a good working member, (_cheers;_) one always at his post in the hour of danger, (_cheers;_) a good committee-man, and one whose princely fortune rendered him independent of party and of the blandishments of power. In the language of the ancient _poet_ (_!_) Mr. Mudflint would exclaim on such an occasion; '_Facta, non verba quæro_,' (_great cheering._) And now a word for his opponent, (_groans._) He was a mere puppet, held in the hands of some one out of sight, (_laughter,_)--it _might_ be of a base old boroughmonger, (_groans_)--who sought to make Yatton a rotton borough, (_hisses,_) a stepping-stone to ascendency in the county, (Cries of 'Will he though, lad, eh?') who would buy and sell them like slaves, (_hisses,_) and would never rest satisfied till he had restored the intolerable old vassalage of feudalism, (groans and hisses here burst forth from that enlightened assemblage, at the bare idea of anything so frightful.) He meant nothing personally offensive to the honorable candidate--but _was_ he worthy of a moment's serious notice? (_great laughter._) Had he an opinion of his own? (_loud laughter._) Had he not better, to use the language of a book that was much misunderstood, _tarry at Jerusalem_ (_!!!_) _till his beard was grown_? Was he not, in fact, a nonentity unworthy of a reasonable man's attention? Was he not reeking from Oxford, (_groans,_) that hotbed of pedantic ignorance and venerable bigotry, (_hootings,_) surrounded by a dismal and lurid halo of superstition?" (_groaning and hooting._)

Finer and finer was Mr. Mudflint becoming every moment as he warmed with his subject--but unfortunately his audience was beginning very unequivocally to intimate that they were quite satisfied with what they had already heard. A cry, for instance, issued from the crowd--"the rest of my _discoorse_ next Sunday!"--for they knew that they were being kept all this while from one of their greatest favorites, Mr. Going Gone, who had also himself been latterly rather frequently and significantly winking his eye at those before him, and shrugging his shoulders. Mr. Mudflint, therefore, with feelings of vivid vexation, pique, and envy, concluded rather abruptly by proposing TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE, ESQUIRE, of YATTON, as a fit and proper person to represent them in Parliament. Up went hats into the air, and shouts of the most joyous and enthusiastic description rent the air for several minutes. Then took off his hat the jolly Mr. Going Gone--a signal for roars of laughter, and cries of coarse and droll welcome, in expectancy of fun. Nor were they disappointed. He kept them in good-humor and fits of laughter during the whole of his "Address;" and though destitute of any pretence to refinement, I must at the same time say, that there were to be detected in it no traces of ill-nature. He concluded by seconding the nomination of Mr. Titmouse, amid tumultuous cheers; and after waiting for some few minutes, in order that they might subside, Mr. Gold took off his hat, and essayed to address the crowd. Now he really was, what he looked, an old man of unaffected and very great good-humor, and a benevolence which was extensive, and systematic. He had only the week before distributed soup, blankets, coals, and potatoes to two hundred poor families in the borough, even as he had done at that period of the year, for the preceding quarter of a century. No tale of distress, indeed, was ever told him in vain, unless palpably fictitious and fraudulent. The moment that his bare head, scantily covered with gray hairs, was visible, there arose, at a given signal from Mr. Barnabas Bloodsuck, a dreadful hissing, hooting, and groaning from all parts of the crowd. If he appeared disposed to persevere in addressing the two or three persons immediately around him, that only infuriated the mob against the poor old man, who bore it all, however, with great good-humor and fortitude. But it was in vain. After some twenty minutes spent in useless efforts to make himself audible, he concluded in mere dumb show, by proposing THE HONORABLE GEOFFREY LOVEL DELAMERE, at the mention of whose name there again arose a perfect tempest of howling, hissing, groaning, and hooting. Then Mr. Milnthorpe came forward, determined not to be "_put down_." He was a very tall and powerfully built man; bold and determined, with a prodigious power of voice, and the heart of a lion. "Now, lads, I'm ready to try which can tire the other out first!" he shouted in a truly stentorian voice, heard over all their uproar, which it _redoubled_. How vain the attempt! How ridiculous the challenge! Confident of his lungs, he smiled good-humoredly at the hissing and bellowing mass before him, and for nearly half an hour persevered in his attempts to make himself heard. At length, however, without his having in the slightest degree succeeded, his pertinacity began to irritate the crowd who, in fact, felt themselves being _bullied_; and _that_ no crowd, that ever I saw, or heard of, can bear for one instant; and _what is one against so many_? Hundreds of fists were held up and shaken at him. A missile of some sort or another was flung at him, though it missed him; and then the returning officer advised him to desist from his attempts, lest mischief should ensue; on which he shouted at the top of his voice, "I second Mr. Delamere!" and, amid immense groaning and hissing, replaced his hat on his head, thereby owning himself vanquished; which the mob also perceiving, they burst into loud and long-continued laughter.

"Now, Mr. Titmouse!" said the returning officer, addressing that gentleman: who on hearing the words, turned as white as a sheet, and felt very much disposed to be sick. He pulled out of his coat-pocket a well-worn little roll of paper, on which was the speech which Mr. Gammon had prepared for him, as I have already intimated; and with a shaking hand he unrolled it, casting at its contents a glance--momentary and despairing. What then would that little fool have given for memory, voice, and manner enough to "speak the speech that had been set down for him!" He cast a dismal look over his shoulder at Mr. Gammon, and took off his hat--Sir Harkaway clapping him on the back, exclaiming, "Now for't, lad--have at 'em, and away--never fear!" The moment that he stood bareheaded, and prepared to address the writhing mass of faces before him, he was greeted with a prodigious shout, while hats were some of them waved, and others flung into the air. It was, indeed, several minutes before the uproar abated in the least. With fearful rapidity, however, every species of noise and interruption ceased--and a deadly silence prevailed. The sea of eager excited faces--all turned towards _him_--was a spectacle which might for a moment have shaken the nerves of even a _man_--had he been "unaccustomed to public speaking." The speech, which--brief and simple though it was--he had never been able to make his own, even after copying it out half-a-dozen times, and trying to learn it off for an hour or two daily during the preceding fortnight, he had now utterly forgotten; and he would have given a hundred pounds to retire at once from the contest, or sink unperceived under the floor of the hustings.

"Begin! begin!" whispered Gammon, earnestly.

"Ya--a--s--but--what shall I say?" stammered Titmouse.

"Your speech"--answered Gammon, impatiently.

"I--I--'pon my--soul--I've--forgot every word of it!"

"Then _read_ it," said Gammon, in a furious whisper--

"Good God, you'll be hissed off the hustings!--Read from the paper, do you hear!" he added, almost gnashing his teeth.

Matters having come to this fearful issue, "Gentlemen," commenced Mr. Titmouse, faintly----

"Hear him! Hear, hear!--Hush!--Sh! sh!" cried the impatient and expectant crowd.

Now, I happen to have a short-hand writer's notes of every word uttered by Mr. Titmouse, together with an account of the reception it met with: and I shall here give the reader, first, Mr. Titmouse's _real_, and secondly, Mr. Titmouse's _supposed_ speech, as it appeared two days afterwards in the columns of the _Yorkshire Stingo_.

"Look on _this_ picture----and on THIS!"

Mr. Titmouse's ACTUAL Speech.

"GENTLEMEN,--Most uncommon, unaccustomed as I am,
(_cheers_)--happy--memorable,--proudest--high honor--unworthy,
(_cheering_)--day of my life--important crisis, (_cheers_)--day gone
by, and arrived--too late, (_cheering_)--civil and religions liberty
all over the world, (_immense cheering, led off by Mr. Mudflint._)
Yes, gentlemen,--I would observe--it is unnecessary to say--passing
of that truly glorious Bill--charter--no mistake--Britons never
shall be slaves, (_enthusiastic cheers._)--Gentlemen, would be ruin
to go back, while to stand still was impossible, (_cheers;_) and,
therefore, there was nothing for it but to go forward, (_great
cheering_). He looked upon the passing of the Bill for giving
Everybody Everything, as establishing an entirely new order of
things, (_cheers._) in which the people had been roused to a sense
of their being the only legitimate source of power, (_cheering._)
They had, like Samson, though weakened by the cruelty and torture of
his tyrants, bowed down and broken into pieces the gloomy fabric of
aristocracy. The words 'Civil and Religious Liberty' were now no
longer a by-word and a reproach, (_cheers;_) but, as had been finely
observed by the gentleman who had so eloquently proposed him to
their notice, the glorious truth had gone forth to the ends of the
earth, that no man was under any responsibility for his opinions or
his belief, any more than for the shape of his nose, (_universal
cheering._) A spirit of tolerance, amelioration, and renovation, was
now abroad, actively engaged in repairing our defective and
dilapidated constitution, the relic of a barbarous age--with some
traces of modern duty, but more of Church Establishment to
a--difference between me and my honorable opponent, (_loud cheers
and groans,_) I live among you, (_cheers_)--spend my money in the
borough, (_cheers_)--no business to come here, ('_No, no!_')--right
about, close borough, (_hisses!_)--patient attention, which I will
not further trespass upon, (_'hear! hear!' and loud
cheering,_)--full explanation--rush early to the--base, bloody, and
brutal (_cheers_)--poll triumphant--extinguish forever,
(_cheers._)--Gentlemen, these are my sentiments--wish, you many
happy--re--hem! a-hem--and by early displaying a determination
to--(_cries of 'we will! we will!'_)--eyes of the whole country upon
you--crisis of our national representation--patient
attention--latest day of my life.--Gentlemen, yours truly."

Mr. Titmouse's REPORTED Speech.

"Silence having been restored, Mr. Titmouse said, that he feared it
was but too evident that he was unaccustomed to scenes so exciting
as the present one--that was one source of his embarrassment; but
the greatest was, the enthusiastic reception with which he had been
honored, and of which he owned himself quite unworthy, (_cheers._)
He agreed with the gentleman who had proposed him in so very able
and powerful a speech, (_cheers,_) that we had arrived at a crisis
in our national history, (_cheering_)--a point at which it
unaccustomed as I am to address an assembly of this--ahem! (_'hear!
hear! hear!' and cheers_)--civil and religious liberty all over the
world, (_cheers_)--yet the tongue can feel where the heart cannot
express the (_cheers_)--so help me----! universal suffrage and cheap
and enlightened equality, (_cries of 'that's it, lad!'_)--which can
never fear to see established in this country--(_cheers_)--if only
true to--industrious classes and corn-laws--yes, gentlemen, I say
corn-laws--for I am of op--(_hush! cries of 'ay, lad, what dost say
about_ THEM?') working out the principles which conduce to the
establishment a--a--a--civil and religious liberty of the press!
(_cheers!_) and the working classes, (_hush!_)--Gentlemen,
unaccustomed as I am--well--at any rate--will you--I say--_will_
you? (_vehement cries of 'No! No! Never!'_) unless you are true to
yourselves! Gentlemen, without going into--vote by Ballot (_cheers_)
and quarterly Parliaments, (_loud cheering,_) three polar stars of
my public conduct--(here the great central banner was waved to and
fro, amid enthusiastic cheering)--and reducing the over-grown
ancient ignorance and unsightliness, (_cheers._) The great Bill he
alluded to, had roused the masses into political being, (_immense
cheering,_) and made them sensible of the necessity of keeping down
a rapacious and domineering oligarchy, (_groans._) Was not the
liberty of the press placed now upon an intelligible and
imperishable basis?--Already were its purifying and invigorating
influences perceptible, (_cheering_)--and he trusted that it would
never cease to direct its powerful energies to the demolition of the
many remaining barriers to the improvement of mankind, (_cheers._)
The corn-laws must be repealed, the taxes must be lowered, the army
and navy reduced; vote by ballot and universal suffrage conceded,
the quarterly meeting of Parliament secured, and the revenues of the
church be made applicable to civil purposes. Marriage must be no
longer fenced about by religious ceremonials, (_cheers._) He found
that there were three words on his banner, which were worth a
thousand speeches--_Peace, Retrenchment, Reform_.--which, as had
been happily observed by the gentleman who had so ably proposed
him"----

[And so on for a column more; in the course of which there were really so many flattering allusions to the opening speech of the proposer of Titmouse, that it has often occurred to me as probable, that the "Reverend" Mr. Mudflint had supplied the above report of Mr. Titmouse's speech.]