Chapter I: Would If I Could.--249 (1)

A young lady was told by a married lady that she had better precipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I could find a husband at the bottom."

A SOLEMN HOUR.--250.

An old "revolutioner" says of all the solemn hours he ever saw, that occupied in going home one dark night from the Widow Bean's, after being told by her daughter Sally that he "needn't come again," was the most solemn.

PROVERBS.--PRESERVED BY JOSHUA BILLINGS, ESQ.--251.

Don't swop with your relashuns unless you kin afford to give them the big end of the trade. Marry young, and, if circumstances require it, often. If you can't git good cloathes and edication too, git the cloathes. Say how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Bee charitable--three cent. pieces were made on purpose. It costs more to borry than it does to buy. Ef a man flatters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you are a fule. Keep both ize open, but don't see morn harlf you notis. If you ich for fame, go into a grave-yard and scratch yourself agin a tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigre yur going to leave than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave you. Sin is like weeds--self-sone and sure to cum. Two lovers, like two armies, generally git along quietly until they are engaged.

BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.--252.

Artemus Ward writes that he is tired of answering the questions as to how many wives Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about it is that he one day used up the multiplication table in counting the long stockings on a clothes-line in Brigham's back yard, and went off feeling dizzy.

THE OTHER SIDE.--253.

One story is good until another is told, and the advice to "have both sides" is old, but always good. The annoyance caused by ladies in street-cars has been so frequently dwelt on that it has come to be accepted as a matter of course that the wearers of crinoline are sinners above all among the occupants of street-cars. But read the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion of street-car society, and see if the account is not about balanced. What "female nuisance" can surpass, for instance, the man who crosses his legs, or puts his foot upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to wipe itself on good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away because he is not smoking, and consequently stenches the whole conveyance; the man who sits sideways when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in a crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his feet so high as to wipe the knees of every passer-by; the man who enters with a paint pot; the ever-talkative man, who insists on drawing you into conversation, and boring you with his ideas political; the man who is deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man, who frightens all children in arms; the over-dressed man, who is afraid of being mussed; the rowdy man, who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his sharp hones; the pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your pocket; the friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a writ; the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the vanity man, who displays all the money he has while searching for a five-cent. postal; the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off; the unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket placed on the front platform; the man who treads on your newly-blacked boots; the man who asks for a chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum; the man who asks you the time of day when you are _minus_ a watch; and the man who wants to be over-polite to your wife.

EDITORS EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS.--254.

The _Louisville Journal_--an impudent, one-horse Kentucky concern, conducted by a walking whisky-bottle--says that one of our correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches from Sherman's army. The _Journal_ is unable to pay even wages to its correspondents, and relies upon us for the news. Our correspondent purchased the maps and intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters of the _Journal_, in order to save him from putting an end to his miserable existence, since he could live no longer on the bottle of Bourbon a week with which the _Journal_ supplied him. The Western editors are all whisky-bottles, their reporters are all whisky, and their papers have all the fumes of that beverage without any of its strength. So much for the slanders of the _Louisville Journal_.--(_New York Herald._) From the _Louisville Journal_:--This paragraph is the one to which, without having seen it, we referred yesterday in our notice of W. F. G. Shanks, a war correspondent of the _New York Herald_. That paper says that its correspondent purchased from ours the map and the intelligence referred to; this is the map and the rebel newspapers mentioned by us yesterday. This is all a base and unmitigated falsehood. The map was given to the _Herald's_ correspondent upon a condition which he scandalously violated, and he feloniously broke the seals of the papers and stole their contents for the use of his thieving employers. The employers and the _employé_, instead of throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught to gain from a dispute with the _New York Herald_. The editor of that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck, waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way, or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day?" and occasionally it has been both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we think that in common fairness "the twister" should be sentenced by a court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the _Herald_ is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire the leather was to be tried on the editor of the _Herald_. He is regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York; not that he is a leather-dealer, but that leather-dealers have had so much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he sits. The editor of the _Herald_ has lived a good deal longer than he ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always. And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather--that is, the small portion of it that hasn't already been--his hair used as shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns.

A SLASHING ARTICLE.--255.

Editors, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough, his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers--he will return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper. In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had pounded each other to their heart's content.

A NOVEL VERDICT.--256.

A coroner's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain, caused by _overtipulation_."

AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.--257.

The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner, and then stone the dog for being blind.

CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.--258.

A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply-interested audience the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly intoxication!"

PERSONAL.--259.

A contemporary having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon the public.

AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.--260.

An American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text--"Ye are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents."

HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.--261.

A traveller came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder, the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats. The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. "Why, then, bring them here; I shall be forced to eat them myself."

RIVALLING NATURE.--262.

Cotton being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies, as his advertisement says:--"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and elasticity!"

THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.--263.

"Woman is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with the crystal dew."--_Mobile Examiner._ "We suppose the editor of the _Examiner_ whips his wife every Sunday to make her look beautiful."--_Baltimore Sun._

A SENSIBLE WOMAN.--264.

A lady that would please herself in marrying was warned that her intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much more likely to be a good husband."

ANOTHER DISCOVERY.--265.

The other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently, but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him. Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way, growing taller every minute.

UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.--266.

A fellow, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there should arrest him for an old debt.

EITHER WAY WILL DO.--267.

"Will you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No, John," said she, "but you may have me, if you will."

A MOOTED QUESTION.--268.

It is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the institution.

PARTING FRIENDS.--269.

A clergyman travelling in California encountered a panther, of which he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions."

HOW TO DO BUSINESS.--270.

It is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse, and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his journey, better off for the encounter.

EXEMPT, DECIDEDLY.--271.

"Ugh! How do you make out that you are exempt, eh?" "I am over age, I am a negro, a minister, a cripple, a British subject, and a habitual drunkard."

A LONE NIGGER.--272.

During the last winter a "contraband" came into the Federal lines in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued: "What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah; not Sam Watt. I'se jist Sam." "What's your other name?" "I hasn't got no oder name, sah. I'se Sam--dat's all." "What's your master's name?" "I'se got no massa now. Massa runned away--yah, yah! I'se free nigger now." "Well, what's your father and mother's name?" "I'se got none, sah--neber had none. I'se jist Sam--ain't nobody else." "Haven't you any brothers and sisters?" "No, sah; neber had none. No brudder, no sister, no fader, no mudder, no massa--nothin' but Sam. When you see Sam you see all dere is of us."

A LIBELLOUS ASSERTION.--273.

Ask a woman to a tea-party in the Garden of Eden, and she'd be sure to draw up her eyelids and scream: "I can't go without a new gown."

WESTERN NEIGHBOURS.--274.

"Where is your house?" asked a traveller in the depths of one of the "old solemn wildernesses" of the great West. "House! I ain't got no house." "Well, where do you live?" "I live in the woods, sleep on the great Government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out of the Mississippi!" And he added--"It's getting too thick with the folks out here. You're the second man I've seen within the last month, and I hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the river. I'm going to put out into the woods again."

SNUBBING A LAWYER.--275.

Old Mrs. Lawson was called as a witness. She was sharp and wide awake. At last the cross-examining lawyer, out of all patience, exclaimed, "Mrs. Lawson, you have brass enough in your face to make a twelve quart pail." "Yes," she replied, "and you've got sass enough in your head to fill it."

GETTING DOWN A LADDER.--276.

"Mass Tom! Oh, Mass Tom! howse I goin ter get down dis ladder?" "Come down the same way you went up, you blockhead!" replied the master, running out to see what was the matter. "De same way as I come up, Mass Tom?" "Yes, confound you, and don't bother me any more!" "Well, if I must, I must!"--and down came the little darkey head foremost.

IRISH NEGRO.--277.

A negro from Montzerat, or Marigalante, where the Hiberno-Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia when a number of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise at the civility of the negro; who, understanding what had been said, replied in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was a _bit of an Irishman himself_. The Irishman, surprised to hear a black man speak in his _Milesian_ dialect, it entered his mind with the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman, but that the climate had changed his fair complexion. "_If I may be so bold, sir_," said he, "_may I ask how long you have been in this country_?" The negro man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick turned round to his wife and children, and looking as if for the last time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must also change their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers! Biddy, did you hear that? He is not more than four months in this country, and he is already almost as black as jet."

INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.--278.

The muscles of the human jaw produce a power equal to one hundred and twenty-five pounds. If you ever had your fingers in an angry man's mouth, you will not dispute the veracity of this assertion.

SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.--279.

I suppose the reason whi wimmin are so fast talkers, iz bekauze tha don't hav tew stop tew spit on their hands. After Joseph's brotheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov many cullars, what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him! Thare iz nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv; it makes him as fluent az a tin whissell, az limber az a boy's watch chain, and az perlite as a dansing-master; hiz harte iz az full ov sunshine az a hay-field, and there aint any more guile in him than there iz in a stik ov merlasses candy. Thare iz a grate number ov ways for folks tew make phools of themselfs, but thare iz one way so simple, i wonder nobody haz ever tried it, and that iz tew run after real-estate advertizements. Thare don't seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare iz one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew git tew Heaven, and that iz tha can't git enny further. He who can hold awl he gits, kan most generally get more, I serpoze if a commisshun should cum from Heaven tew gather up awl the intrinsick literature among men, a common-sized angel kould fly off with the whole ov it under one wing and not lug him mutch. Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by hiz clothes, but yu kan bi hiz finger nails. Adam invented "_luv at first sight_," one of the greatest laber-saving machines the world ever saw. It iz a grave question, whether, in curtailing superfluitys in these hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the expense ov boarding it. I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken hartes_," and thare may be a few of them, but mi experiense iz that nex tew the gizzard, the harte iz the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.

TWO THINGS MADE TO BE LOST.--280.

A country editor comes to the conclusion that there are two things that were made to be lost--sinners and umbrellas.

REASONS ENOUGH.--281.

An editor complained that he could not sleep one night, summing up the causes:--A wailing baby, sixteen months old; a howling dog under the window; a cat-fight in the alley; a nigger serenade in a shanty over the way; a toothache; and a pig trying to get in at the back-door.

LOW-NECKED FROCKS.--282.

The Rev. Mr. Sniffkins has recorded in his diary that three conspicuous low-necked frocks in a congregation will neutralize the effect of the best discourse that ever was preached.

EMERSON AND THEODORE PARKER.--283.

There is an allegorical story current that once, immediately after Theodore Parker had parted from Ralph Waldo Emerson on the road to Boston, a crazy Millerite encountered Parker, and cried: "Sir, do you not know that the world is coming to an end?" Upon which Parker replied: "My good man, that doesn't concern me; I live in Boston." The same fanatic, overtaking Emerson, announced in the same terms the approach of the end of the world, upon which Emerson replied: "I am glad of it, sir; man will get along much better without it!"

HOW TO GO MAD.--284.

Be an editor; let the devil be waiting for copy; sit down to write an article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop in and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town; let him sit, and sit, and sit. This is the quickest way we can think of to go raving, distracted mad.

A WISE JUDGE.--285.

A Massachusetts judge has decided that a husband may open his wife's letters, on the ground (so often and so tersely stated by Mr. Theophilus Parsons, of Cambridge) that "the husband and the wife are one, and the husband is that one!"

SPARING HIS FEELINGS.--286.

The editor of the _Louisville Journal_, in speaking of an assailant who had vehemently denied a charge of having been drunk on a certain occasion, says "that he cannot positively state that the gentleman in question was drunk, but that he does know that he was seen in the street at midnight, with his hat off, explaining the principles and theory of true politeness to the toes of his boots!"

OF COURSE NOT.--287.

The _Grand Rapids Eagle_ man says he wouldn't mind the price of wood so much, if all his neighbours hadn't taken to the disgusting habit of locking their wood-house doors at night.

A FEMALE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.--288.

Mrs. Ripley, of Concord, Mass., is well known to the naturalists on account of her valuable collection of lichens, and to the Cambridge professors on account of her success in training young men for the university. It is said that a learned gentleman once called to see this lady, and found her hearing at once the lesson of one student in Sophocles, and that of another in Differential Calculus, at the same time rocking her grandchild's cradle with one foot, and shelling peas for dinner.

A FLOATING POPULATION.--289.

"You have considerable floating population in this village, havn't you?" asked a stranger of one of the citizens of a village on the Mississippi. "Well, yes, rather," was the reply; "about half the year the water is up to the second storey windows."

DEMOCRATS _versus_ REPUBLICANS.--290.

A prominent speaker at a Republican gathering in Ohio, said that "he expected to spend an eternity in company with Republicans," to which a Democrat replied that he "rather thought he would, _unless he repented of his sins_."

A POOR COUPLE.--291.

A couple announce in the _New York Post_ their marriage, and add to the notice--"No cards, nor any money to get them with."

AN INDUCEMENT TO YOUNG PEOPLE.--292.

A minister out West, advertised, in the hope of making young people come forward, that he would marry them for a glass of whisky, a dozen eggs, the first kiss of the bride, and a quarter of a pig.

AN EDITORIAL HORSE.--293.

An editor in the far West has bought a racehorse for which he paid 2000 dollars. On being asked what an editor had to do with a racehorse, he replied that "he was to be used in catching runaway subscribers."

HIGHLY PROBABLE.--294.

An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy 48 years old, and says "this brandy is so old that we very much fear it cannot live much longer."

NOVEL EFFECT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE.--295.

One of the substitute soldiers who was presented for examination at Captain Hamlin's office recently was a man who gave his name as (we will say) Michael Flynn. When he was stripped, upon his arm was clearly tattooed the name of John Sullivan. "But, I thought, you said your name was Michael Flynn?" said the doctor. "Yes," stammered the Hibernian sub, "but I have been married twice." Michael passed.

STRIKING DEFINITION OF A COQUETTE.--296.

A Western genius defines a coquette as a box of snuff, from which every lover takes a pinch. Her husband, fortunate or unfortunate wretch, as he may think himself, gets the box--on the ear.

QUALIFICATIONS FOR A PARSON.--297.

It is related of a certain church in New York, whose deacons and principal men are of the conservative order, that when recently in want of a pastor, they made application to a divine noted for his talents and brilliancy of oratory to become their settled minister. While negotiating the "call" they signified to the divine that they did not want a man to preach politics or temperance. "What kind of a preacher do you want?" inquired the minister. To which they replied that they desired a pastor who was "_rather religiously inclined_." This reminds us of a popular preacher we used to know down East, one of whose prominent parishioners considered him the perfection of a preacher, because "he never meddles with either politics or religion!"

EXTRAORDINARY ABSENCE OF MIND.--298.

The most recent case of absence of mind is that of an editor, who lately copied from a hostile paper one of his own articles, and headed it, "Wretched attempt at wit."

A JOKE BY JENKINS.--299.

"A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins?" "Yes, very pleasant, indeed." "Good day for the race." "Race, what race?" "The human race." "Oh, go along with your stupid jokes; get up a good one, like the one with which I sold Day." "Day, what Day?" "The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who went on his way rejoicing.

"AND THAT'S A FACT."--300.

A paper notorious for its veracity says "that a man in New Hampshire went out gunning one day this spring; he saw a flock of pigeons sitting on a branch of an old pine, so he dropped a ball into his gun and fired. The ball split the branch, which closed up, and caught the toes of all the birds in it. He saw that he had got them all, and so he fastened two balls together and fired, cut the branch off, which fell into the river. He then waded in and brought it on shore. On counting them there were 300 pigeons, and in his boots were two barrels of shad."

A QUESTION FOR ASTRONOMERS.--301.

A teacher in a western county in Canada, while making his first visit to his "constituents," came into conversation with an ancient "Varmount" lady, who had taken up her residence in the "backwoods." Of course, the school and former teachers came in for criticism; and the old lady, in speaking of his predecessor, asked: "Wa'll, master, what do yer think he larnt the schollards?" "Couldn't say, ma'am. Pray, what did he teach?" "Wa'al, he told 'em that this 'ere airth was _reound_, and went areound; and all that sort 'o thing. Now, master, what do _you_ think about sich stuff? Don't you think he was an ignorant feller?" Unwilling to come under the category of the ignorami, the teacher evasively remarked: "It really did seem strange; but still there are many learned men who teach these things." "Wa'al," says she, "if the airth is reound, and goes reound, what holds it _up_?" "Oh, these learned men say that it goes around the sun, and that the sun holds it up by virtue of the law of attraction." The old lady lowered her "specs," and, by way of climax, responded: "Wa'al, if these high larn't men sez the sun holds up the airth, _I should like tu know what holds the airth up when the sun goes down_!"

GRIEVING FOR A WIFE.--302.

A man in New Hampshire had the misfortune recently to lose his wife. Over the grave he caused a stone to be placed, on which, in the depth of his grief, he had ordered to be inscribed--"Tears cannot restore her, therefore I weep."

WHAT IRISHMEN DO!--303.

George Penn Johnson, one of our most eloquent stump speakers, who loves a good thing too well to let it slip upon any occasion, addressing a meeting where it was a great point to obtain the Irish vote, after alluding to the native American party in no flattering terms, inquired, "Who dig our canals? Irishmen. Who build our railroads? Irishmen. (Great applause.) Who build all our gaols? Irishmen. (Still greater applause.) Who fill all our gaols? Irishmen!" This capping climax, if it did not bring down the house, did the Irish in a rush for the stand. Johnson did not wait to receive them.

SAD SCARCITY OF PAPER.--304.

Paper is so scarce in the South that the editor of the _Morning Traitor_ writes his editorials with stolen chalk on the sole of his boot, and goes barefooted while his boy sets up the manuscript!

THE DATE WANTED.--305.

At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Say, mister, you couldn't fix the date, could you?"

THE HEIGHT OF MEANNESS.--306.

The meanest fellow in Onondaga county is a fellow who once had the plate of his grandmother's coffin made over into a tobacco-box.

COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY.--307.

A country editor thinks that Columbus is not entitled to much credit for discovering America, as the country is so large he could not well have missed it.

THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--308.

One of the American papers observes of Mr. Wentworth, a member of Congress for a district of Illinois, that "he is so tall, that when he addresses the people, instead of mounting a stump, as is usual in the West, they have to dig a hole for him to stand in!" Another paper, which goes the whole ticket against Mr. Wentworth, politely observes that they "dig a hole for him not because he is tall, but because he never feels at home except when he is up to his chin in dirt."

COOLNESS.--309.

He would eat oysters while his neighbour's house was in flames--always provided that his own was insured. Coolness! he's a piece of marble carved into a broad grin.

NAMING CHILDREN IN AMERICA.--310.

On Long Island, a Mr. Crabb named a child "Through-much-tribulation-we-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-Heaven Crabb." The child went by the name of Tribby. Scores of such names could be cited. In Saybrook, Connecticut, is a family by the name of Beman, whose children are successively named as follows:--1. Jonathan Hubbard Lubbard Hunk Dan Dunk Peter Jacobus Lackny Christian Beman. 2. Prince Fredrick Henry Jacob Zaccheus Christian Beman. 3. Queen Caroline Sarah Rogers Ruhamah Christian Beman. 4. Charity Freelove Ruth Grace Mercy Truth Faith and Hope and Peace Pursue I'll-have-no-more-to-do-for-that-will-go-clear-through-Christian Beman.

A POLITE MAN.--311.

"My deceased uncle," says an American writer, "was the most polite man in the world. He was making a voyage on the Mississippi and the boat sank. My uncle was just on the point of drowning. He got his head above water for once, took off his hat, and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, will you please excuse me?' and down he went."

FINE WRITING.--312.

We like fine writing when it is properly applied, so we appreciate the following burst of eloquence:--"As the ostrich uses both legs and wings when the American courser bounds in her rear--as the winged lightnings leap from the heavens when the thunderbolts are loosed--so does a little boy run when a big dog is after him."

"MAILS" AND FEMALES.--313.

A New England postmaster complains that too much courting goes on in his office. The females give him more trouble than the "mails."

AN UNKIND REMINDER.--314.

A negro boy was driving a mule, when the animal suddenly stopped short and refused to move. "Won't go, eh?" said the boy; "feel grand, do you? I s'pose you forget your fader was a jackass."

"CLIMACTERIC SUBLIMITY."--315.

The following peroration to an eloquent harangue, addressed to a jury by a lawyer in Ohio, is a rare specimen of climacteric sublimity:--"And now the shades of night had shrouded the earth in darkness. All nature lay wrapped in solemn thought, when these defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the hills, down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's door, separated the weeping mother from her crying infant, and took away--my client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim fifteen dollars."

MORE LAUGHABLE THAN LOGICAL.--316.

A temperance lecturer, in addressing an audience in Boston, said, "Parents, you have children, or, if you have not, your daughters may have."

THE LAW OF COMPENSATION.--317.

Joe being rather remiss in his Sunday-school lesson, the teacher remarked that he hadn't a very good memory. "No, ma'am," said he, hesitating, "but I have got a first-rate forgettery!"

COULDN'T MAKE AN IMPRESSION.--318.

A little boy, of four years, who had been lectured by his aunt on the evil of disobedience to parents, was shown the example of a boy who disobeyed his mother, and went to the river and got drowned. "Did he die?" said Bobby, who had given the story due attention. "Yes," was the serious reply. "What did they do with him?" asked Bobby, after a moment's reflection. "Carried him home," replied his aunt, with due solemnity. After turning the matter over in his mind, as it was hoped profitably, he looked up and closed the conversation by asking, "Why didn't they chuck him in again."

THE MINISTER'S RECEPTION.--319.

A certain lady one day had been much annoyed by the ringing of her door-bell by the mischievous boys in the vicinity, and determined to be made no more a fool of by going to the door. In the course of the forenoon, however, her minister called to see her, dressed in his nicest manner. He ascended the steps, and gently drew the bell-handle, when the lady shouted from the entry--"I see you, my boy! if I catch you I'll wring your neck!" The affrighted gentleman rushed down the steps through a crowd of young scamps, and was not seen at the lady's house again.

PRINTERS' MISTAKES.--320.

During the Mexican war, one newspaper hurriedly announced an important item of news from Mexico, that General Pillow and thirty-seven of his men had been lost in a _bottle_. Some other paper informed the public not long ago "that a man in a brown surtout was yesterday brought before the police court, on a charge of having stolen a small _ox_ from a lady's workbag. The stolen property was found in his waistcoat pocket." "A _rat_" says another paper, "descending the river, came in contact with a steamboat, and so serious was the injury done to the boat that great exertions were necessary to save it." An English paper once stated that the Russian General Raekinoffkowsky "was found dead with a long _word_ in his mouth." It was, perhaps, the same paper that, in giving a description of a battle between the Poles and the Russians, said that "the conflict was dreadful, and the enemy was repulsed with great _laughter_." Again: "A gentleman was yesterday brought up to answer the charge of having _eaten_ a stage driver for demanding more than his fare. At the late Fourth of July dinner, in the town of Charlestown, none of the poultry were eatable except the _owls_."

PLAIN ENOUGH.--321.

A Western editor, in reply to a contemporary, says to him, "The fact is as evident as the nose on your face, or the whisky blossoms on the countenance of your Mayor."

ONE OF THE PRESS.--322.

A very fat man having taken his seat in an omnibus already crowded, to the great annoyance of the passengers, several, with partial breathing and muttering lips, inquired who such a lump of flesh as the new comer could be. "I don't know," said a wag, "but, judging from the effect he produces, I should suppose him a member of the Press."

ANOTHER BURST OF ELOQUENCE.--323.

In a stump speech somewhere out West--the usual locality--a windy orator recently got up before an assemblage of his intelligent countrymen, and said: "Sir, after much reflection, consideration, and examination, I have calmly, deliberately, and carefully come to the determined conclusion, that in cities where the population is very large there are a greater number of men, women, and children, than in cities where the population is less. And I firmly believe there is not a man, woman, or child in all this vast assembly that has reached the age of fifty or upwards but has felt this mighty truth rolling through his breast for centuries."

THE REASON WHY.--324.

An American wag says that the reason why more marriages take place in winter than in summer is because the gentlemen require comforters and the ladies muffs.

THE CLERGYMAN AND THE LAWYER.--325.

The following incident is of recent date, and the witness was a clergyman. Scene, a crowded court: trial, an action on the warranty of a horse, commonly called a horse cause. Witness, a clergyman, who was sworn in his examination-in-chief that in his opinion the horse was sound.--Counsel: Well, you don't know anything about horses. You're a parson, you know.--Witness: I have a good deal of knowledge respecting horses.--Counsel: You think you have, I dare say, but we may think otherwise. I wonder, now, whether you know the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness: Yes, I dare say I do.--Counsel: Now, then, tell the jury the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness: Gentlemen, one great difference between these two animals is, that the one has horns and the other has not; much the same difference, gentlemen, that exists between a _bull_ and a _bully_ (turning to counsel). (Roars of laughter, Judge joining.)--Counsel (very angrily): I dare say you thought that very funny, sir?--Witness: Well, I don't think it was bad, and several of the audience seem to be of the same opinion.

EDITORIAL FIX.--326.

A Western editor must be in a bad fix. Having dunned a subscriber for his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to flog the editor if he stopped the paper.

A MEAT BABY.--327.

A wee little girl in Boston besought her mother, when she was going out shopping the other day, to bring her home a baby. The indulgent parent selected a pretty doll, and on her return made the presentation, expecting to see her daughter greatly pleased with it. But the precious child could hardly keep the tears from her eyes, as she disappointedly exclaimed, "I don't want that--I want a _meat_ baby!"

THE LAPSE OF AGES.--328.

An exchange asks, very innocently, if it is any harm for young ladies to sit in the lapse of ages? Another replies, that it all depends on the kind of ages selected. Those from eighteen to twenty-five it puts down as extra hazardous.

PERILS OF THE "FOURTH ESTATE."--329.

It takes three editors to start a paper in New Orleans--one to get killed in a duel, one to die with the yellow fever, and one to write an obituary of the defunct two.

MODEL ADVERTISEMENTS.--330.

Model of First-rate Advertisements for a Modern High-Pressure Sentimental Novel:--

Startling, terrific, paralyzing.--_Ditchville Chronicle._

We understand that the publishers of this extraordinary work, in consequence of the immense demand, were obliged to issue three editions at once, and that the united energies of steam and manual labour in New York, have in vain been employed to satisfy the incessant applications for it. On various occasions the police have been called in to protect the booksellers against the insolence of disappointed customers, while several suits for libel are pending against persons who, in a paroxysm of rage, have vented their spleen on the innocent authoress. The excitement has reached a fearful pitch, and all business has been brought to a stand by the absorbing devotion of the public to this great work of genius. In some cases the engineers on the railroads, in perusing it, have been so lost to a sense of duty, as to let the fires of their locomotives go out, and cause the stoppage of trains for hours. Porters may be seen sitting on their wheelbarrows at every corner enjoying its contents. Omnibus horses are growing fat from the refusal of drivers to ply the lash, until they have read it through, line by line, to the fearful catastrophe of the last page, and even the clamorous voice of the newsboy is no longer heard, for he sits crouching over its fascinating pages in his cheerless garret. On the first day of the sale, the doors of the book-stores were strongly barricaded, extra clerks were provided, and yet, despite these precautions, fearful riots took place among the contending crowd, in which, as the historians say, "neither age, sex, nor condition were respected." The truth is, that if many more such books are written in the country, there is great danger that agriculture, commerce, and manufactures will be abandoned, and we shall become nothing else than a nation of novel readers.--_The Flambeau of Literature._

NOT PARTICULAR.--331.

A Western editor says:--"Wood, chips, coke, coal, corn-cobs, feathers, rosin, sawdust, shavings, splinters, dry leaves, old rags, fence-rails, barn-doors, flints, or anything that will burn or strike fire, taken on subscription at this office."

TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTISM.--332.

A Down-Easter thus distinguishes between different sorts of patriotism:--"Some esteem it sweet to die for one's country; but most of our patriots hold it sweeter still to live _upon_ one's country."

POETICAL PATCHWORK.--333.

Rock'd in the cradle of the deep,
Old Casper's work was done;
Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep,
Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!

There was a sound of revelry by night,
On Linden, when the sun was low;
A voice replied, far up the height,
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.

What, if a little rain should say,
I have not loved the world, nor the world me!
Ah! well a-day;
Woodman spare that tree!

My heart leaps up with joy to see
A primrose by the water's brim;
Zaccheus, he did climb that tree;
Few of our youth could cope with him.

The prayer of Ajax was for light,
The light that never was on sea or shore;
Pudding and beef make Britons fight;
Never more!

Under a spreading chestnut tree,
For hours the gither, sat
I and my Annabel Lee;
A man's a man for a' that.

Truth crush'd to earth shall rise again,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air;
In thunder, lightning, or in rain,
None but the brave deserve the fair.

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
The child is father of the man;
Hush, my dear, lie still in slumber.
They can conquer who believe they can.

A change came o'er the spirit of my dream;
Whatever is, is right,
And things are not what they seem;
My native land, good night!

SO HUMANE.--334.

A lady in Brooklyn is known to be so humane that she will not allow even her carpet to be beaten; and was frightfully shocked on hearing a boy, who was relating a story about a donkey, tell his comrades to cut his tail short. She actually fainted away when a relative said he had been killing time.

THE LYING AT THE TOP.--335.

"Truth lies at the bottom of the well." All very well, as long as it stays there; but it is the lying at the top and thereabouts that does all the mischief!

"BRAGGIN' SAVES ADVERTISIN'."--336.

"Well," said the doctor, "I didn't want to put myself forward, for it ain't pleasant to speak of oneself." "Well, I don't know that," sais I; "I ain't above it, I assure you. If you have a horse to sell, put a thunderin' long price on him, and folks will think he must be the devil and all; and if you want people to vally you right, appraise yourself at a high figure. Braggin' saves advertisin'. I always do it; for, as the Nova Scotia magistrate said, who sued his debtor before himself, 'What's the use of being a justice, if you can't do yourself justice.'"--_Sam Slick._

CONCLUSIVE.--337.

A story that General Hooker has been left immensely rich by the death of a Mexican wife is thus disposed of by the San Francisco _Atta_:--"1st, General Hooker's wife was not rich when he married her, nor at any other time. 2nd, General Hooker's wife was not a Mexican. 3rd, General Hooker's wife is not dead. 4th, General Hooker never had a wife. 5th, General Hooker is not a Croesus, never was, and never will be."

VERDICT OF A NEGRO JURY.--338.

"We, the undersigned, being a Kurnet's Juray to sit on de body of de nigger Sambo, now dead and gone before us, hab been sittin' on de said nigger aforesaid, did on de night of de fusteenth of November, come to def by falling from de bridge ober the riber in de said riber, whar we find he was subsequently drowned, and afterwards washed on the riber side, whar we s'pose he was frose to death."

VERY CIVIL WAR.--339.

On our left, where our lines were close to the rebs, two videttes from opposite sides were moved out towards the same tree. After remaining for some time near the tree unknown to each other, our vidette discovered that he had lost his cap-box, and commenced calling for the corporal. After calling several times without effect, the reb vidette called out, "I say, Yank, what's the matter on your side of the tree?" The "Yank" immediately replied that he wanted to go for some water. "Well, go ahead," answered "Johnny;" "I'll watch both sides till you come back."

A REAL HEAVY GALE.--340.

"Was you ever in a real heavy gale of wind?" "Warn't I," said I; "the fust time I returned from England it blew great guns all the voyage, one gale after another, and the last always wuss than the one before. It carried away our sails as fast as we bent them." "That's nothing unusual," said Cutter; "there are worse things than that at sea." "Well, I'll tell," sais I, "what it did; and if that ain't an uncommon thing, then my name ain't Sam Slick. It blew all the hair off my dog, except a little tuft atween his ears."

AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.--341.

The _New York Atlas_ says:--"Judge Kelly and other citizens of Philadelphia have presented a medal to President Lincoln. The medallion has the bust of Washington on one side, and that of Mr. Lincoln on the other. The peculiar felicity of this design is apparent to the most obtuse. Washington was a patriot and a hero, and Lincoln is unquestionably _the reverse_. It seems somewhat superfluous, however, to strike a medal to perpetuate the knowledge of a fact so indisputable."

THE CROOKED STICK.--342

Maria, just at twenty, swore
That no man less than six feet four
Should be her chosen one;
At thirty, she was glad to fix
A spouse exactly four feet six,
As better far than none.

A SPARE GIRL.--343.

"I never," says Sam Slick, "see so spare a gal since I was raised. Pharaoh's lean kine warn't the smallest part of a circumstance to her. She was so thin, she actilly seemed as if she would have to lean agin the wall to support herself when she scolded, and I had to look twice at her before I could see her at all, for I warn't sure _she warn't her own shadow_."

NEW WAY TO AFFIX A STAMP.--344.

"You remind me," says I, "of a feller in Slickville, when the six-cent letter-stamps came in fashion. He licked the stamp so hard, he took all the gum off, and it wouldn't stay on nohow he could fix it, so what does he do but put a pin through it, and writes on the letter, 'Paid, if the darned thing will only stick.'"--_Sam Slick._

THE ORIGINAL BROTHER JONATHAN.--345.

When General Washington, after being appointed Commander of the Army of Revolutionary War, came to Massachusetts to organize it, and make preparations for the defence of the country, he found a great want of ammunition and other means necessary to meet the powerful foe he had to contend with, and great difficulty to obtain them. If attacked in such condition, the cause at once might be hopeless. On one occasion, at that anxious period, a consultation of the officers and others was held, when it seemed no way could be devised to make such preparations as were necessary. His Excellency Jonathan Trumbull, the elder, was then Governor of the State of Connecticut, on whose judgment and aid the general placed the greatest reliance, and remarked: "We must consult 'Brother Jonathan' on the subject." The general did so, and the governor was successful in supplying many of the wants of the army. When difficulties arose, and the army was spread over the country, it became a by-word, "We must consult Brother Jonathan." The term Yankee is still applied to a portion, but "Brother Jonathan" has become a designation of the whole country, as John Bull is for England.

THOUGHTFUL MOTHERS.--346.

It is said that some mothers in America are grown so affectionate that they give their children chloroform previous to whipping them.

GRACE ONCE FOR ALL.--347.

Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his father before and after meals very tedious. One day after the winter's provisions had been salted, "I think father," said Benjamin, "if you were to say _grace_ over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great saving of time."

PAINTING TO THE LIFE.--348.

Slick says: "I think, without bragging, I may say I can take things off to the life. Once I drawed a mutton chop so nateral, my dog broke his teeth in tearing the panel to pieces to get at it; and at another time I painted a shingle so like stone, when I threw it into the water, it sunk right kerlash to the bottom."

COLUMBUS AND THE EGG.--349.

Columbus, speaking with great humility of his discovery of America, some of the company spoke in very depreciating terms of the expedition. "There is no more difficulty," replied Columbus, "than in putting this egg on its end." They tried the experiment, and all failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end, set it upright. The company sneered at the contrivance. "Thus," observed Columbus, "a thing appears very easy after it is done."

THE HEAVENLY "BODIES."--350.

"Mamma, mamma," cried a little one, whose early hour of retirement had not permitted much study of the starry heavens, "here is the moon come, and brought a sight of little babies with her!"

THE HAPPIEST OF VOWELS.--351.

One of the neatest and latest conundrums is as follows:--"Why is i the happiest of vowels? Because it is in the midst of bliss; e is in hell, and all the others in purgatory."

A TOUGH YANKEE.--352.

A friend writes of a Yankee boasting an inveterate hatred of everything British, living in a neighbouring city with a colonist family. He takes every opportunity to have a slap at Brother Bull, and the colonist does what he can to defend the venerable gentleman. "You are arguing," said the colonist, "against your ancestors." "No, I'm not." "Who was your father?" "A Yankee." "Who were your forefathers?" "Yankees." "Who were Adam and Eve?" "Yankees, by thunder!"

USED TO IT.--353.

Major N----, upon being asked if he was seriously hurt at the bursting of a boiler on a steamboat, replied that he was not, as he had been blowed up so many times by his wife that a mere steamboat explosion had no effect upon him whatever.

QUOTING HIS FATHER.--354.

A broker, whose mind was always full of quotations, was asked a few days since how old his father was. "Well," said he, abstractedly, "he is quoted at eighty, but there is every prospect he will reach par, and possibly be at a premium."

WHY THE WAR GOES ON.--355.