Chapter I: Would If I Could.--249 (3)

WITH A QUILL.--438.

A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens.

DOUBTFUL.--439.

After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer name before yer moved to these parts?"

THE LETTER S.--440.

A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis.

NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.--441.

What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights, broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders, fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that. I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies, to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!--_Sam Slick._

WONDERFUL.--442.

An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:--"It is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?"

HARD UP.--443.

Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor, sir?"--Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"--Jersey man: "Wall, no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"--Dentist: "Well, I might want them; have you many?"--Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."--Dentist, having thought for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.--Jersey man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal to-morrow."--Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell your own teeth? They're of no use to me."--Jersey man: "Why, look here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of teeth when one's nothing to eat?"

MILITARY TACTICS.--444.

The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.

SETTLING THE WINE BILL.--445.

An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent for--came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d----d bag."--Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."--Officer: "Yes you can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the whole bill, and returned the amount.

SMILES.--446.

What a sight there is in that word--smile; for it changes colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy--the smile that accepts the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.--_Sam Slick._

FORLORN HOPE.--447.

An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, says:--"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest girls will stand no chance at all."

ARTISTIC EXECUTION.--448.

A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave way, and he fell and broke his neck."

TALKING MATCH.--449.

A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering in his ear.

KISSING BY PROXY.--450.

One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply. "And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons."

EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.--451.

One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night, and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my gun is bent."

LATEST DOG STORY.--452.

Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the fight, and whipped the other dog.

A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.--453.

The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus in his paper:--"There is a large collection of the autographs of distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and _interest_-ing relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence of the very hard times."

DISCONSOLATE.--454.

A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like this."

INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.--455.

They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have sinned of his own accord in drinking.

PRETENCE.--456.

Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin', it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only swelled, as the Germans say.--_Sam Slick._

"OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."--457.

All lonely and drear is the street, love;
The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love,
And I'm dying for something to eat, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.

Get up from that warm feather bed, love,
And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love,
For I wish very much to be fed, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.

Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love,
With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love,
For deucedly hungry I am, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.

The stars are beginning to "wink," love;
'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love.
You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.

The moon will be down before long, love,
And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love;
How plainly he says "mix it strong," love,
And open thy cupboard to me.

My feet are all wet with the dew, love,
And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love:
Then get up and make it, pray do, love,
And open thy cupboard to me.

The chickens are crowing for day, love,
And I must soon hurry away, love;
Then list to thy lover's last lay, love,
And open thy cupboard to me.

NATUR'S BALANCES.--458.

Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone; the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that which flavours the whole.--_Sam Slick._

AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.--459.

_By the Manes of the Murdered Murray._

Abe L. is an able President,
His mind has a mighty reach;
Search all our cities and marts,
You won't find a man with better parts,
Excepting his parts of speech!

AMERICAN SOIL--ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.--460.

I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree, and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep! Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody, what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.--_Sam Slick._

JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.--461.

It a'n't the feed--said the young man John--it's the old woman's looks when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old, 'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim, 'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard, they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin' on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm; roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.--_Oliver Wendell Holmes._

STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.--462.

An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, _'specially Pompey_."

UNDOUBTED COURAGE.--463.

"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no 'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side."

A SIMILE.--464.

A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a young widow.

FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.--465.

A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "_out_ of money and _out_ of clothes; _out_ at the heels and _out_ at the toes; _out_ of credit, and _in_ debt."

SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.--466.

I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown bladder, after some of the air has leaked out--kinder wrinkled and rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs--all legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin' crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged through a gimlet hole.

ECLIPSING HIMSELF.--467.

A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find his way up again in the dark.

FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.--468.

An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? "Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! _Why, I ate a piece of him._"

PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.--469.

Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words, as follows--"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."

TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.--470.

Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not been heard of since.

AMERICAN COMPETITION.--471.

It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their habits of competition.

AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.--472.

_Progress of Time._--A pedler going through the land with wooden clocks.--_Honesty_ (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.--_Rigid Justice_: A juror in a murder case fast asleep.

TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.--473.

Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air never fully prepared, and those air twins."

PERPETUAL MOTION.--474.

A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar.

ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.--475.

Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of reorganization:--"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud voice I said, Betsy--I continued crackin' the whip over the bed--I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke up I found _she_ had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."

A RECEIPT IN FULL.--476.

A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after much mental effort produced the following:--"I ish full. I wants no more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full of lager beer.

A SUDDEN DECLARATION.--477.

A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case suggested the following plan:--He politely handed his fair neighbour a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:--Second Epistle of John, verse fifth--"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth--"Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St. John--"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took place the ensuing week.

A VOCATION.--478.

"You're a loafer--a man without a calling," said a judge to a person arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it is our dull season."

MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.--479.

The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner, cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up dinner.

ANY BETTER THAN NONE.--480.

It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers, who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a fool as to marry him:--"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he should be, but he's a _powerful sight_ better than none."

A PRINTER'S TOAST.--481.

At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:--"Woman, second only to the press in the dissemination of news."

WASHINGTON IRVING.--482.

Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough, but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm, declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father, who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in the family, you are wise."

QUIZZING A WITNESS.--483.

Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a witness. Her husband was present--a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort of a man--who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes, "Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam, I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent.

A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.--484.

During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible, the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many."

NATURE AND ART.--485.

A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:--"Soupe à la Flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"

THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.--486.

A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)." This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about nothing.

INSINUATING REJOINDER.--487.

"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our way," was the insinuating rejoinder.

STYLING THE FIRM.--488.

"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"--"Well, governor," said the youth, "I don't know--but suppose we have it John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it.

A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.--489.

A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as follows:--"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron."

SAVING THE TRUTH.--490.

"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister, not at all--only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of truth."

NIGGER EXPLANATION.--491.

"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"--"Wid de rake, massa."--"Well, where is the rake?"--"Wid de hoe."--"But where are they both?"--"Why, bof togeder. By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'."

A JEW D'ESPRIT.--492.

Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed," remarked Noah, "to need hanging!"

CUFF'S CABIN.--493.

A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn want mendin'."

SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.--494.

"MY dear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."--_Dow's Sermons._

THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.--495.

Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm, whose magazine, _Harper's Monthly_, is a deliberate compilation from all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper, Thackeray had joked with him on the American contempt for copyright; and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!"

GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.--496.

The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book, on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before Washington, July 17, 1864:--

Quoth Meade to Lee--
Can you tell me,
In the shortest style of writing,
When people will
Get their fill
Of this big job of fighting?

Quoth Lee to Meade--
Why, yes, indeed,
I'll tell you in a minute:
When legislators
And speculators
Are made to enter in it.

ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.--497.

The following advertisement appears in a California paper:--"Wanted, by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms moderate."

A WHALE AT PEAS.--498.

The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival. Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tips _mère_, as the French would say, had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flying dish, and now the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold the judge deliberately monopolize the whole--sweep, as I live, every pea into his own plate--and then turning to me, with a greasy smile, remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas."

A TEARFUL RESPONSE.--499.

"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily."

A PRETENDED PELHAM.--500.

A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places, with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman, willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer, myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance, excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the proposed sale was effected.

DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.--501.

A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia, and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle" of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general" was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the loss of his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow."

THE LOAFER'S HAT.--502.

"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me yesterday, when you were in town."

THE DEBT OF NATURE.--503.

An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we "intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by an _execution_.

A BLACK BULL.--504.

At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the door-post:--"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes himself."

A NEW DISH.--505.

Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks' service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet. This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thought he understood the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!"

THE LAST COMPLIMENT.--506.

A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal. "Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang."

PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.--507.

Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The following dialogue ensued:--"Does Dr. Channing live here?"--"Yes, sir." "Can I see him?"--"I am he." "Who, you?"--"Yes, sir." "You must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."--"Heard me preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't you?"--"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches; I'm the doctor who practises."

A FAIR RETORT.--508.

Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit; but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you."

DR. FRANKLIN.--509.

The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell. Franklin wrote the characteristic reply, that he presumed that the good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of that pleasant town.

REASONABLE INSTINCT.--510.

A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one of the sausage shops in this city.

DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.--511.

The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus pleasantly described by a letter writer:--"He was then a young lawyer. At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete. This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,' containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is still to be found--the knot never untied."

PRESENTED AT COURT.--512.

An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one. "Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends--a judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened to be the Central Criminal Court."

CRITICAL.--513.

A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:--"The unities are admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act, never flags for a moment until the curtain falls."

HARD FEATHERS.--514.

An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said, "Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers. They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me if _I don't think they've left the fowls in too_!"

SNORING IN CHURCH.--515.

The _Boston Bee_ contains the following polite hint:--"Deacon ---- is requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation are anxious to hear the text."

PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.--516.

Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave as a sentiment--"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes." Everett responded--"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can raise them above one Story."

LOVE-LETTER INK.--517.

An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article, and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his own ink.

A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.--518.

A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened to be out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed, some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt. Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand, and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed: "Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you shave last?"

NEW, IF NOT TRUE.--519.

In one of the Northern States of America, according to veracious authority, the pious young women established an association which they styled "The Young Women's Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in London.)

TRUE, IF NOT NEW.--520.

A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame.

CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.--521.

An American secretary of state had two afflictions--an obliging doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The bore was admitted no more.

PLAIN SPOKEN.--522.

"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under examination. The lady replied: "Yes, _sir-ee_, and so are women; and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."--"You'll be committed for contempt."--"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel the utmost contempt for every lawyer present."

POPPING THE QUESTION.--523.

A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day," and accidentally--(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the way!)--dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming, never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"--"Capital," was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for these five years--will you marry me?"

A GEM.--524.

At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller--I have just _set_ the jewel!"

THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.--525.

A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris."

A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies' bonnet-linings.

A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his hands.

A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;" or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving, or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was ever "refused" by a lady.

A bachelor whose carpet did not wear out _first_ in front of the looking-glass.

A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter.

An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers.

A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely.

A woman who was not _at heart_ inimical to her own sex.

A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the table, before company.

A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head.

A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze.

A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife.

A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to.

A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing.

A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow.

A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather than exile the smoker.

An old maid who was not so from choice.

FANNY FERN.

QUESTION FOR QUESTION.--526.

Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"

THE YANKEE.--527.

"No matter where his home may be--
What flag may be unfurl'd!
He'll manage by some _cute_ device,
To _whittle_ through the world."

--_Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."_

TRUE POLITENESS.--528.

Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."

A "DISTANT" FRIEND.--529.

Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it a _near_ or distant relative?" "Well, purty distant--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the reply.

JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.--530.

The editor of the _Boston Daily Star_, in relinquishing his charge, gave the following notice:--"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make immediate application to the retiring editor."

MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."--531.

"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a horse."

THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.--532.

A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded:--"I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works._"

ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.--533.

A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement," received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison!

THE LOVERS' LEAP.--534.

Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?" "Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.

COMPLIMENTARY.--535.

She was all sorts of a gal--there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her; she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a prairie flower.

CUTTING.--536.

General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."

THE DARKIE'S WISH.--537.

I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free,
Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would be
We'd have a darkie parliament,
An' darkie codes of law,
An' darkie judges on de bench,
Darkie barristers and aw.

POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.--538.

"John, what do you do for a living?"--"Oh, me preach."--"Preach, and do you get paid for it?"--"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two shillings."--"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"--"Oh, yes, but it's mighty poor preaching."

A TRUMP CARD.--539.

There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless, reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the child?"--"Pontius Pilate," said he.--"I can't," said the minister, "and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since baptism came in fashion."--"I am sorry for that," said the squire, "for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't have that--and it's a dreadful pity--call him Trump;" and he was christened "Trump Card."--_Sam Slick._

TIMELY WARNING.--540.

A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for the good of his readers, of course:--I was sitting in my study, when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, and who should walk in but--Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.--"Pretty well," said I.--"What are you about? preparing your leader?"--"Yes," said I.--"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of good?"--"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little good, I hope."--"You have a large lot of readers," said he.--"Well, pretty well for that," said I.--"And I dare say you are very proud of them," said Satan.--"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"You don't say so!" said he.--"Yes, that I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"Well," said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I think I can do a trifle myself with such people."

HABITUAL THIRST.--541.

A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president--"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst."

STONING STEPHEN.--542.

The _Buffalo Democracy_ narrates this story of one of the miniature men, vulgarly called children:--"A teacher in a Sunday-school in R---- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'--_Answer_: 'The Jews.'--Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'--'Beyond the limits of the city.'--The third question: 'Why did they take him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't know, unless it was to get _a fair fling at him_!'"

VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.--543.

Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds, and be the source of her silver rivers." The _Rochester American_ remarks--"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid."

YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.--544.

In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in which is the following interesting paragraph:--"We are now working out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle--but determined not to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn, and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most accomplished housewife is capable of--not forgetting the scoldings on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice young man in want of a wife--willing to sustain any character; in fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going--going--gone! Who's the lucky man?"

FALLING IN LOVE.--545.

If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal, praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome, that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all." Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.--_Sam Slick._

DULL MEMBERS.--546.

"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members of the American Legislature.--"I am very glad to hear it," said one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one, who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at."

HEADY.--547.

A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his head.

SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.--548.

The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary formations, for they were formed after man."

POLITICS.--549.

Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for the stakes, a battle for the spoils.--_Dow's Sermons._

GOOD EYESIGHT.--550.

A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up with: "They even fight with daggers in a room _pitch dark_." "Is it possible?" was the reply. "_Possible_, sir!" returned the Yankee, "_why I've seen them_."

A KNOWING CONTRABAND.--551.

"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks, he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse." Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse."

GENERAL GRANT.--552.