Chapter I: Would If I Could.--249 (2)

The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the following is a sample:--"Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss the terms of peace. They met accordingly, and, after a talk, concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the Northern States, and the South the Gulf and sea-board Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it--Jeff wouldn't have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."

WHAT U. S. STANDS FOR.--356.

The _New York Herald_ puts forward General Grant as Democratic candidate for the Presidency, on the ground that U. S. stands for--Ulysses S. Grant, Union Sustaining Grant, Unconditional Surrender Grant, Uncle Sam Grant, United States Grant, Unparalleled Success Grant, Unabridged Seizure Grant, Union Saver Grant, Undeniable Superior Grant, Unflinching Surmounter Grant, Undaunted Soldier Grant, Understanding Secession Grant, Use Sambo Grant, Unshackle Slave Grant, Ultimate Subjugation Grant, Uncommon Smart Grant, Unequalled Smasher Grant, Utterly Solid Grant, Utmost Safety Grant, Unrivalled System Grant, Unexceptionably Scientific Grant, Undertake Sure Grant, Unbounded Spunk Grant, Universal Sanitive Grant, Unadulterated Saltpetre Grant, Uniform Succeeder Grant, Undisputed Sagacity Grant, Unabated Siege Grant, Unbending Super-excellence Grant, Unexampled Skill Grant, Undoubtedly Spunky Grant, Unprecedented Sardine Grant; and, what is best of all, he belongs to US, and will be the Unanimously Selected Grant for the next Presidency.

A WISE FOOL.--357.

A man brought before a justice of the peace in Vermont, charged with some petty offence, pleaded in extenuation a natural infirmity. "I should have made a considerable figure in the world, judge," he said, "if I hadn't been a fool; it's a dreadful pull back to a man."

"OLD BRAINS."--358.

One of the daily papers of New York made an amusing typographical error in its publication of General Halleck's report of war operations. The general, who enjoys the _sobriquet_ of "Old Brains," wrote in depreciation of the immense cost of army transportation, and made out a case for himself by saying that "our trains have been materially reduced during the year." Imagine his disgust when he found the boast printed "our _brains_ have been materially reduced!" Artemus Ward might add: "N.B.--This is sarkasm."

THE GOVERNOR AND THE JUSTICE.--359.

William Penn and Thomas Story once sheltered themselves from a shower of rain in a tobacco house, the owner of which said to them: "You enter here without leave; do you know who I am? I am a justice of the peace." To which Story replied: "My friend here makes such things as thee; he is Governor of Pennsylvania."

AN ENTHUSIASTIC NEWSVENDOR.--360.

An amusing incident occurred one day in front of General Turner's lines. A sergeant stepped out from our rifle-pits, and moved towards the enemy, waving a late paper, regardless of the probability that he would at any moment be shot. A rebel officer shouted to him to go back, but the sergeant was unmindful of the warning, and asked, "Won't you exchange newspapers?" "No," said the rebel, "I have no paper, I want you to go back." With singular persistence the sergeant continued to advance, saying, "Well, if you haint a paper, I reckon some of your men have, and I want to exchange, I tell you." "My men have not got anything of the kind, and you must go back," said the officer in a louder tone, and with great emphasis. Nothing daunted, the Yankee sergeant still advanced, until he stood plumply before the indignant officer, and said, "I tell ye now you needn't get your dander up. I don't mean no harm no way. P'raps if ye aint got no newspapers ye might give me suthin else. Maybe your men would like some coffee for some tobacco. I'm dreadful anxious for a trade." The astonished officer could only repeat his command, "Go back, you rascal, or I'll take you prisoner. I tell you we have nothing to exchange, and we don't want anything to do with you Yankees." The sergeant said ruefully, "Well, then, if you haint got nothin', why, here's the paper any way, and if you get one from Richmond this afternoon you can send it over. You'll find my name thar on that." The man's impudence or the officer's eagerness for news made him accept. He took the paper, and asked the sergeant what was the news from Petersburg. "Oh, our folks say we can go in there just when we want to, but we are willing to gobble all you fellows first," was the reply. "Well, I don't know but what you can do it!" said the lieutenant, turning on his heel and re-entering his rifle-pits; "meanwhile, my man, you had better go back." This time the sergeant obeyed the oft-repeated order, and, on telling his adventure, was the hero of the morning among his comrades.

PROFITLESS PREACHING.--361.

The hat was passed round in a certain congregation in New York for the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the circuit of the church it was handed to the minister, who, by the way had "exchanged pulpits" with the regular preacher, and he found not a cent in it. He inverted his hat over the pulpit cushion, and shook it, that its emptiness might be known; then looking towards the ceiling, he exclaimed, with great fervour, "I thank Heaven that I got back my hat from this congregation."

NOT FOR WANT.--362.

An Irishman being asked why he left his country for America, replied, "It wasn't for want; I had plenty of that at home."

SAM SLICK ON HAPPINESS.--363.

It takes a great deal to make happiness, for everything must be in time, like a piano; but it takes very little to spoil it. Fancy a bride, now, having a toothache, or a swelled face during the honeymoon. In courtship she won't show, but in marriage she can't help it.

A LAGGING COMPLIMENT.--364.

An American editor once, in attempting to compliment General Pillow as a "battle-scarred veteran," was made by the typos to call him a "battle-scared veteran." In the next issue the mistake was so far corrected as to style him a "bottle-scarred veteran."

WEDLOCK FIRST INSTITUTED.--365.

Wedlock was first instituted in Paradise. Well, there must have been a charming climate there. It could not have been too hot, for Eve never used a parasol, or even a "kiss-me-quick;" and Adam never complained, though he wore no clothes, that the sun blistered his skin. It could not have been wet, or they would have coughed all the time, like consumptive sheep; and it would have spoiled their garden, let alone giving them the chilblains and the snuffles. They didn't require umbrellas, uglies, fans, or india-rubber shoes. There was no such a thing as a stroke of the sun, or a snow-drift there. The temperature must have been perfect, and connubial bliss I allot was rael jam up. The only thing that seemed wanting there was for some one to drop in to tea now and then, for Eve to have a good chat with, while Adam was a studyin' astronomy, or tryin' to invent a kettle that would stand fire; for women do like talking, that's a fact, and there are many little things they have to say to each other that no man has any right to hear, and if he did he couldn't understand.--_Sam Slick._

A STRIKING LESSON.--366.

A canal boat was once passing through a narrow lock on the Erie line, and the captain hailed the passengers and said, "Look out!" Well, a Frenchman thinking something strange was to be seen, popped his head out, and it was cut off in a minute. "Oh, _mon Dieu_!" said his comrade, "dat is a very _striking_ lesson in English. On land look out means open the window, and see what you will see. On board canal boat it means have your head in, and don't look at nothin."--_Sam Slick._

A DISINTERESTED LIEUTENANT.--367.

"Feller sogers," said a newly-elected lieutenant of the militia, "I am all-fired obliged to you for this shove-up in the ranks you have given me. Feller sogers, I'm not going to forget your kindness soon, not by a darned sight; and I'll tell you what it is, I'll stick to my post like pitch to a pine-board, so long as ther's peace; but as I go in for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the British, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a fair shake for fame and glory."

CLAIMING AND TAKING EXEMPTION.--368.

THE _Steuben Courier_ says that a man walked forty miles to claim exemption from the war-draft, on the ground of inability to stand long marches and the hardships of camp life.--A man named Jefferson Davis was drafted in New Bedford on Tuesday last. We hope that he may be able to go, and be in at the death of his illustrious rebel namesake.--Seven of the waiters in one of the popular hotels of Boston were the victims of the draft, but the next morning after their names had been drawn from the wheel of the Provost-Marshal, they had all skedaddled to parts unknown, and have not been heard of since.--There were two Mike Sullivans, the _Boston Herald_ says, living at Fort Hill, and neither had any other distinction. One of them was drafted, but which of them neither could tell, nor any one else. One of them was called upon by a friend, who inquired if he was the Michael Sullivan who had been drafted. "Yes," said Mike, "I suppose I am." "Are you sure of that, now?" exclaimed Mike's friend. "How the divil do you know but you axe the other Mike Sullivan?"--A laughable circumstance took place in the Fourteenth Ward, Philadelphia, during the drafting. Everything was going on quietly, and good humour appeared to be depicted upon every countenance. Among the many hundreds that were there was a pale-faced son of the Emerald Isle, gazing on the wheel, and at every revolution gasping for breath. Of a sudden, losing all control of himself, he burst out: "Wherl it round! wherl it round!--rouse it, will ye!" "What's the matter with you?" said the Provost-Marshal. "Oh, be jabers, turn it round a dozen times, for that man you drawed last is my next door neighbour."

GREAT SCARCITY.--369.

Speaking of the great scarcity of provisions down South, a Northern paper says--"Tea is so scarce in the South that they haven't even drawings of it, and there are no grounds for supposing that they have any coffee."

THE CAPTAIN'S PUDDING.--370.

The following story is told of a Yankee captain and his mate:--Whenever there was a plum-pudding made, by the captain's orders, all the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. After this game had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward to place the end which had no plums in it next to the captain. The captain no sooner perceived that the pudding had the wrong end turned towards him, than picking up the dish, and turning it round, as if to examine the china, he said: "This dish cost me two shillings in Liverpool;" and put it down, as if without design, with the plum end next to himself. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the dish. "I shouldn't suppose it was worth more than a shilling." And, as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plums next to himself. The captain looked at the mate; the mate looked at the captain. The captain laughed; the mate laughed. "I tell you what, young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we will just cut the pudding lengthwise this time, and have the plums fairly distributed hereafter."

SALARY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT, ETC.--371.

Minister used to amuse me beyond anything, poor old soul. Once the congregation met, and raised his wages from three to four hundred dollars a-year. Well, it nearly set him crazy; it bothered him so he could hardly sleep. So, after church was over the next Sunday, he said, "My dear brethren, I hear you have raised my salary to four hundred dollars. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness, but I can't think of taking it on no account. First, you can't afford it, no how you can fix it, and I know it. Secondly, I ain't worth it, and you know it; and, thirdly, I am nearly tired to death collecting my present income. If I have to dun the same way for that it will kill me. I can't stand it; I shall die. No, no, pay me what you allow me more punctually, and it is all I ask, or will ever receive."--_Sam Slick._

ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.--372.

"Friend Wales,--You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes, sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses. I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about 'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm. Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents begin to happen to you--and your responsibilities increase--you will agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge and the Dragon.--'Ever be happy.'"

"ARTEMUS WARD."

PROVIDING FOR BILLS.--373.

Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the times; and perceiving at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over their heads, he exclaimed, "How happy are those pigeons! they have no acceptances to provide for." To which the other replied, "You are rather in error, my friend, for _they_ have their _bills to provide for_ as well as we!"

GENERAL LEE AND A SON OF ERIN.--374.

When General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined with an Irishman. Before entering upon the wine, the general remarked to his host, that after drinking he was apt to abuse Irishmen, for which he hoped the host would excuse him in advance. "By my soul, general, I will do that," said his host, "if you will excuse a trifling fault which I have myself. It is this: whenever I hear a man abusing old Ireland, I have a sad fault of cracking his head with my shillaly!" The general was civil during the rest of the evening.

THE NIAGARA FALLS FROM FOUR POINTS OF VIEW.--375.

Mr. G. A. Sala, describing the Niagara Falls, says:--"A Swiss watchmaker observed that he was very glad 'de beautiful ting was going.' He looked upon it as some kind of clockwork arrangement, which would run down and be wound up again. Everybody knows the story of the 'cute Yankee who called it 'an almighty water privilege.' It is one, and would turn all the mill-wheels in the world. 'Here creation's done its d--dest,' remarked another; and, quoth a fourth, 'I guess this hyar suckles the ocean sea considerable.'"

LOGIC OF CONGRESS.--376.

The House of Representatives at Washington has passed, by a majority of seven to one, a resolution which, after stating the existence of rebellion, runs thus:--"Resolved, that it is the political, civil, moral, and sacred duty of the poople to meet it, fight it, and for ever destroy it, thereby establishing perfect and unalterable liberty."

COLT'S ARMS _versus_ COLT'S LEGS.--377.

Colt's arms are useful when you want to fight, but if you want to run away, colt's legs are better.

INFANTILE IDEAS OF DISTANCE.--378.

A happy comment on the annihilation of time and space by locomotive agency was made by a little child who rode fifty miles in a railway train, and then took a coach to her uncle's house, some five miles further, and was asked on her arrival if she came by the cars. "We came a little way in the cars, and all the rest of the way in a carriage."

"DAT'S DE MYSTERY."--379.

Two darkies had bought a mess of pork in partnership, but Sam having no place to put his portion in, consented to trust the whole to Julius' keeping. The next morning they met, when Sam says--"Good mornin', Julius, anything happen strange or mysterious down in your vicinity lately?" "Yaas, Sam, most a strange thing happen at my house yesterlast night--all mystery, all mystery to me." "Ah, Julius, what was dat?" "Well, Sam, I tole you now. Dis morning I went down into the cellar for to get a piece of hog for dis darky's breakfast, and I put my hand down in de brine and felt all round, but no pork dere--all gone. Codn't tell what bewent with it, so I turned up de bar'l, and Sam, true as preachin', de rats had eat a hole clar froo de bottom of de bar'l, and dragged de pork all out!" Sam was petrified with astonishment, but presently said--"Why didn't de brine run out of the same hole?" "Ah, Sam, dat's de mystery."

OUR BOB.--380.

Judge S---- had a very wild son, named Bob, who was constantly on a spree, and upon being brought up once before the court for drunkenness, the judge cried out--"Is that _our_ Bob?" _Clerk_: "Yes, sir." _Judge_: "Fine the rascal two dollars and costs; I'd make it ten dollars, if I didn't know it would come out of my own pocket."

SAMBO'S SUSPICION.--381.

A gentleman who holds a responsible position under Government concluded to change his lodgings. He sent one of the waiters of the hotel where he had selected apartments after his baggage. Meeting the waiter an hour or two afterwards, he said--"Well, Sambo, did you bring my baggage down?" "No, sah!" blandly responded the sable gentleman. "Why, what was the reason?" "Case, sah, the gentleman in de office said you had not paid your bill." "Not paid my bill! why, that's singular--he knew me very well when he kept the Girard House, in Philadelphia." "Well, mebbe," rejoined Sambo, thoughtfully scratching his head, "_dat was de reason he wouldn't gib me de baggage_."

WHERE THE DUCKS WENT.--382.

A man was brought into one of the New York courts on the charge of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know them _anywhere_," said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare breed--I have some very much like them in my yard." "That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer, "they are not the only ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness.

NO PLACE LIKE HOME.--383.

A young man, rather verdant, and very sentimental, while making himself interesting to a young lady the other evening by quoting from the poets, to the other choice and rare extracts he added, "There is no place like home." "Do you really think so?" said the young lady. "Oh, yes!" was the reply. "Then," said calico, "why don't you stay there?"

DAMAGING THE ENGINE.--384.

A man was sitting on the track of the New London road, when the train came along and pitched him head over heels into the bushes. The train stopped and backed to pick up the body, when the man coolly informed the conductor, as he brushed the dirt from his coat sleeves, that if he "had damaged the engine any he was ready to settle for it," and walked off home.

A QUAKER WOMAN'S SERMON.--385.

My dear friends, there are three things I very much wonder at. The first is, that children should be so foolish as to throw up stones, clubs, and brickbats into fruit-trees, to knock down fruit; if they would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is, that men should be so foolish, and even so wicked, as to go to war and kill each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third, and last, thing that I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise as to go after the young women; if they would stay at home the young women would come after them.

A DELICATE CUT.--386.

A couple of Albany ecclesiastics were at Saratoga at the time of the annual races, which were under the management of Morrissey, the famous prize-fighter, gamester, &c. Parson M----, a Baptist clergyman, and Father C----, a Catholic priest, are both jolly fellows in an innocent way, and, despite their difference of creed, remarkably good friends. Meeting each other, M---- said jocosely, as he approached the other, "Ah! I understand it, you have come to attend the races!" and added, "Do you know Morrissey?" "No," said Father C----, "and I beg you won't introduce me."

NOVEL TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE.--387.

The following telegraphic message was sent from an Albany office:--"To ---- Third Epistle of John, 13th and 14th verses. Signed ----." The text referred to is as follows, and makes quite a lengthy and understandable letter:--"I had many things to write, but I will not with ink and pen write to thee. But I trust I shall shortly see thee, and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute thee. Greet the friends by name."

BREAKFAST IN BED.--388.

A new way of keeping warm has been put in practice with good effect. It is to have a buckwheat cake made large enough to cover the bed-quilt, and spread over it "piping hot" at the time of retiring. When made of sufficient thickness it retains the heat until morning, and if a person is too lazy to get up, he can make a very good breakfast off the edges as he lies.

SHEDDING THEIR LAST DROP OF BLOOD.--389.

"General," said Major Jack Downing, "I always observed that those persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop." We have too many of that style of patriots now-a-days.

POINTED RETORT.--390.

A politician was boasting in a public speech that he could bring an argument to a p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a quart to a pint a good deal quicker," replied an acquaintance.

THE LETTER R.--391.

The letter R is the embodiment of every American patriot's hope, because it is the end of war and the commencement of reunion.

NOT WILLING TO DIE.--392.

A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His friends got around his bed, and one of them says: "John do you feel willing to die?" John made an effort to give his views on the subject, and answered with his feeble voice: "I--think--I'd rather stay--where--I'm better acquainted."

HER POOR JERRY.--393.

An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read--"Charleston, June 23: Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "_Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!_"

TALL TALK.--394.

A Kentuckian was once asked what he considered the boundaries of the United States. "The boundaries of our country, sir?" he replied. "Why, sir, on the north we are bounded by the Aurora Borealis, on the east we are bounded by the rising sun, on the south we are bounded by the procession of the Equinoxes, and on the west by the Day of Judgment."

AN EYE TO BUSINESS.--395.

The Southerners are, of course, not nearly so commercial a race as the Yankees, but still they are much given to "trading" amongst each other. At an hospital in Gettysburg, an artilleryman, whose leg was to be taken off, no sooner knew that the amputation was decided upon by the doctors, than he turned to another wounded man in the next bed, and, before the operation was performed, had "traded" the boot, which was henceforth to be of no use to him.

WHAT A FINE WOMAN IS LIKE.--396.

A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the above we will be pleased to hear from him.

TRUTH WANTED.--397.

Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka, Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the witness--a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed--"Now, sir, stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, _sir_!" roared the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the _truth_!" Just imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and "silence."

AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.--398.

An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him, exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise about it than the man who just lost his head!"

STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.--399.

A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town, a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. _If the enemy were to fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed one of you!_ Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately.

STEAM DEFINED.--400.

At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir, what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!--steam, is ah! ah! steam is--steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous perspiration."

A "BUS" IN THE CARS.--401.

Friends are in the habit of warmly greeting their acquaintances upon the arrival of passenger cars at some of the railway stations. It was only the other day that a young gentleman rushed through a crowd towards a lady, seized her hand, and gave her a hearty kiss, the smack of which sounded above--we were going to say the ding of dongs; but it is enough to state that the report startled a country lass hard by, who exclaimed to her "feller," "Massy, Josh! what on airth's gev way on the keers?"

HOUSEHOLD WORDS.--402.

Pshaw! Stop your noise! Shut up this minute! I'll box your ears! You hold your tongue! Let me be! Go away! Get out! Behave yourself! I won't! You shall! Never mind! You'll catch it! Don't bother! Come here directly! Put away those things! You'll kill yourself! I don't care! They're mine! Mind your own business! I'll tell ma! You mean thing! There, I told you so! You didn't! You did! I will have it! Oh, see what you have done! 'Twas you! Won't you catch it, though? It's my house! Who's afraid of you? Mah-h-h! Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, oo! What's the matter? Clear out of this room, directly! Do you hear me? Dear me! I never did see in all my born days! It's enough to set one crazy! Would you put a tuck in it? Well, says I! Says he! Says she! Says they! Bless me! No! Hem it all this way round! Three flounces! Gored! Worked crosswise! Trimmed with velvet! Ten yards? Cut bias! Real sweet! Tut! Wal, now!

HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.--403.

On our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at ----?" "I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." "Why so? Were you not well treated?" "Well, you see, when I went in there were six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?" "Nothing--only the very next day they buried another." "They must have been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." "Unpleasant! I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation, and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd surely been buried on Saturday. Six days--one man each day--could't stand that."

YOUR FARE, MISS.--404.

The most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses. Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss." The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once more--"Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation, and the maiden fingered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more--"Hem! miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips exclaimed--"Well, they dew say I am good-looking at hum, but I don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop.

AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.--405.

In a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss, etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But as the teacher said, "Very well, what does courting agree with?" Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't you know what that agrees with?" "Ye--ye--yes, sir!" "Well, Ellen, why don't you parse that word? What does it agree with?" Blushing still more, and stammering, Ellen says, "It a-agrees with _all the girls_, sir!"

WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.--406.

A certain green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front of a large pier glass, which he took for a door, said--"I say, mister, when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb reflection before him, he again repeated--"I say, mister, when does this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke out--"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look as if you knew much anyhow."

THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.--407.

There is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, "we have now brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your science." "Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on," replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of the examiner. "What's this? what this?" said the phrenologist; and pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled, "Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction--I have lost my eyesight--but I am no fool; _you can't pass this off on me for a head_!"

CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.--408.

A friend who lately indulged in a chase after a locomotive declares it "the silliest thing a sane man can do." This is his account:--"Rushing out from the refreshment-room on the platform, I saw my train moving off 'gradually,' with about seventy-five yards the start. I have been counted a good runner in my time, and for the first hundred yards I gained on it. Then for about a quarter of a mile it was 'nip and tuck,' at the end of which I concluded that steam was more than a match for muscle, and 'caved.' The last I saw of my train it was 'going it' around a curve at the rate of twenty-five miles an hour, the passengers waving their handkerchiefs at me, and cheering vociferously. As I walked sheepishly back to the dépôt, a thought came into my head that it _might_ run off the track in going round the curve at that rate of speed, and I am afraid that I rather encouraged the idea."

THE LATEST WAY.--409.

The latest way to pop the question is to ask a fair lady if you can have the pleasure of seeing her to the minister's.

A GREAT TRAVELLER.--410.

A good story is told of a Washington countryman, who, on his way to Cincinnati, became somewhat elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good luck would have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on his way. Soon after leaving the wharf, a man came round for his fare. Horrall handed him out a five-dollar bill, and received four dollars and ninety-five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book with great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake. That done, he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep. A little while and he was plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare. "Discovered the mistake," holding out a handful of change. The man, as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went into a doze. Ere he had got fairly into dreaming of home and friends far away, around came the collector again, and thus it went on for a long time. At last Horrall thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to vote the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of advice besides; so he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger (hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" "By no means," said the man. "Bran new." "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic) don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once--not bo-bother a fel (hic) heller for it every mile as it comes due?" "Really," said the man, "where do you think you are going?" "Cincin (hic) hinnati," said Horrall. "Cincinnati," said the polite conductor, "why you must be sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat, and all this afternoon you have been riding to and fro between New Albany and Portland."

WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?--411.

A preacher stopped short in a pulpit; it was in vain that he scratched his head--nothing would come out. "My friends," said he, as he walked quietly down the pulpit stairs, "my friends, I pity you, for you have lost a fine discourse."

A MODEST LINENDRAPER.--412.

A dealer in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes under the mellifluous appellation of "Male and Female Envelopes."

GONE HOME.--413.

One of the Richmond papers thus pleasantly announces the death of a newspaper man in the Libby prison:--"A Yankee reporter gone home to write up his reports by the fire."

AN INCIDENT AND AN EPIGRAM.--414.

It chanced one evening, at one of the great hotels, that a gentleman, seeking in vain for a candle with which to light himself to his room at a late hour, passed a young lady who had two candles, of which she politely offered him one. He took it and thanked her, and the next morning acknowledged the courtesy in the following epigram. Luckily for the poet (for his epigram would otherwise have been pointless), the young lady was as handsome as she was polite:--

"You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks,
And add--as a compliment justly your due--
There isn't a girl in these feminine ranks
Who could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!"

JUST GOT MARRIED.--415.

The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river steamboats:--While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married, and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily inquired the clerk--passing tickets out to another passenger. "A _birth_! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "_we ha'nt but just got married_; we want a place to stay all night, you know, and--and a bed."

KIND AND SYMPATHETIC.--416.

"What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid you'll never be any better--you look the picture of what you feel!"

HUMAN NATURE.--417.

Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the school-ship _Massachusetts_, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient, "read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh, no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day; _read me a love story_."

A YOUNG LADY'S SACRIFICE.--418.

A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go, and die an _old maid_, which she thought was as great a sacrifice as _anybody_ could be called upon to make!

POETRY AND PROSE.--419.

A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water from the pump."

DANIEL WEBSTER AND HIS BILLS.--420.

Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at times taken advantage of. At one time a man sawed a pile of wood for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr. Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir, and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life.

KEEPING A SECRET.--421.

Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man, who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus addressed him:--"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well--yes--but _do_ you pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow."

MOST TOO SUDDEN.--422.

An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way. The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats. She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "_Jeems, do they allus stop like that?_"

"ANY RELATIONS?"--423.

The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the lady of the house replying:--"Have you any friends in the war, madam?" "No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming: "Oh, my husband has gone to the war!"

DIDN'T CARE THEN IF HE DID.--424.

A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started, and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied, archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again."

NO JUSTICE IN THAT COURT.--425.

A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court before Justice Cole, of Albany, charged with having brutally assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole, "you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!"

SENSATIONS OF A DOWN-EASTER.--426.

It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East" was asked his age; to which he answered--"Wal, I don't know exactly, but I have had the seven year itch three times."

CHANGES.--427.

A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed, so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes, sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor.

LONGFELLOW AND LONGWORTH.--428.

One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston correspondent of the _Cincinnati Gazette_:--"I heard the other day of a _bon mot_ made by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:--

"_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_."'"

NOVEL PROPOSITION.--429.

It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts.

INTERESTING ANNOUNCEMENT.--430.

It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced, and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed.

EXCUSE FOR DRINKING.--431.

A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because, duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom; and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason. "Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop."

TIGHT-FISTED.--432.

The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly, and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get them open when the contribution box comes round.

EDITORS' WIVES WIELDING THE BROOM.--433.

An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so very pleasing.

THE WRONG WOMAN.--434.

A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife.

A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.--435.

"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal since you saw me last."

WISE LAWS--BY SAM SLICK.--436.

If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens at once.

If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have much in his heart.

I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint them that stare the most who see the best always.

Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'.

Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time.

Providence requires three things of us before it will help us--a stout heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip.

Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your banker.

"Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm sure," won't ripen it.

What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'.

There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be caught, that's a fact.

Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in comin' out.

People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no relations to blush for them.

It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms 'aint always improvements.

Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them.

A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.--437.

An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital.