Chapter II: Part 2

If these can't keep your ladies quiet,
Pull down their courage with low diet.
Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel
To feed them on plain water-gruel;
But take my word, the best of breeding!
As it is plain, requires plain feeding.

_Vide Roscommon._

R. 11. The Rule of Repetition: You must never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and understands it; _ex. gr._ Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellent _pontack_, which I got _'pon tick_; but, sir, we must have a little _pun-talk_ over it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam.--There is _pun-talk_ upon _pontack_, and _'pon tick_ too, hey.

R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your _elements_, whether you have _fish_, _fowl_, or _flesh_, for dinner: As for instance, Is not this _fish_ which Mr. _Pool_ sent me, _ex-stream_ sweet? I think it is _main_ good, what say you? O' my _sole_, I never tasted better, and I think it ought to take _plaice_ of any that _swims_: though you may _carp_ at me for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr. _Spratt_ and Dr. _Whaley_ are of my mind.--This is an excellent _fowl_, and a fit dish for _high-flyers_. Pray, sir, what is your _o-pinion_ of this _wing_? As for the _leg_, the cook ought to be _clapper-clawed_ for not roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a _grape-lover_; i. e. _grey plover_? Are you for any of this mutton, Sir? If not, I can tell you, that you ought to be _lamb-asted_; for you must know that I have the best in the country. My _sheep_ bear away the _bell_, and I can assure you that, all _weathers_, I can treat my friends with as good _mutton_ as this: he that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have it _ram-med_ down his throat.

R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recall a discourse that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: 'Sir, as you were saying two hours ago--you bought those stockings in Wales; I believe it, for they seem to be _well-chose_, i. e. _Welsh-hose_.'--'Sir, you were saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the speediest justice. I agree with you in that; for they are never without _red-dress_.'

R. 14. The Rule of Transition; which will serve to introduce any thing that has the most remote relation to the subject you are upon; _ex. gr._ If a man puns upon a _stable_, you may pun upon a _cornfield_, a _meadow_, a _horse-park_, a _smith's_ or _sadler's shop_; _ex. gr._ One says, His horses are gone to _rack_.' Then you answer, 'I would turn out the rascal that looks after them. _Hay_, sir, don't you think I am right? I would _strike while the iron is hot_; and _pummel_ the dog to some purpose.'

R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges you, when people are disputing hotly upon a subject, to pitch upon that word which gives the greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. This has not only occasioned peace in private companies, but has put a stop to hot wranglings in parliaments and convocations, which otherwise would not so soon come to a resolution: for, as Horace says, _Ridiculum acri_, &c.; and very often it is found so. Sir -------- once, in parliament, brought in a bill which wanted some amendment; which being denied him by the house, he frequently repeated, 'That he thirsted to mend his bill.' Upon which, a worthy member got up, and said, 'Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since that member _thirsts_ so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his _draught_.' This put the house into such a good humour, that his petition was granted.

R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons pun upon different subjects, after the same manner. Ay, says one, 'I went to my _shoe-maker's_ to-day for a pair of _shoes_ which I bespoke a month ago; and when _all_ came to _all_, the dog _bristles_ up to me with a thousand excuses, that I thought there would never be an _end_ of his discourse: but, upon my calling him a rascal, he began to _wax_ warm, and had the impudence to bid me to _vamp_ off, for he had not leisure now to talk to me, because he was going to dinner: which vexed me indeed to the very _sole_. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in a great rage, and wished the next bit he eat might be his _last_.' Says another, 'I went to a _tanner's_ that owed me some money; and (would you think it?) the _pitiful_ fellow was _fleshed_ at it, insomuch that forsooth he could not _hide_ his resentment, but told me, that it was enough to set a man _horn_ mad to be _dunned_ so early in a morning: and, as for his part, he would _curry_ favour no longer with me, let me do my worst. Thus the unmannerly cur _barked_ at me, &c.'

R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a man's saying which he never spoke, and making a pun upon it, as, 'Ay, sir, since you say he was born in _Bark-shire_, I say he is a _son of a bitch_.'

R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of introducing puns which we have studied before; _ex. gr._ By talking of _Truelock_ the _gun-smith_, his very name will provoke some person in the company to pun. Then you proceed: 'Sir, _I smell powder_, but you are plaguy weak in your _mainspring_ for punning; I would advise you to get a better _stock_, before you pretend to _let off_: though you may think yourself _prime_ in this art, you are much mistaken, for a very young beginner may be a _match_ for you. Ay, sir, you may _cock_ and look big; but, _u-pan_ my word, I take you to be no more than a _flash_; and Mrs. Skin-_flint_, my neighbour, shall pun with you for a _pistole_, if I do not _lose my aim_, &c.'

R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, when you have conned over in your mind a chain of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, after this manner: 'Say _Tan-pit_, if you dare.'

R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear a man out of his pun, and prove yourself the author of it; as Dr. S--served Capt. W--, who was told how a _slater_, working at his house, fell through all the rafters from top to bottom, and that upon this accident he said, 'He loved to see a man _go cleverly through his work_.' 'That is mine, by----,' said the Doctor.

R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making a string of puns as fast as you can, that nobody else can put in a word till you have exhausted the subject; _ex. gr._ There was one _John Appleby_, a _gardener_, fell in love with one Mrs. _Curran_, for her _cherrycheeks_ and her _lily_ white hand; and soon after he got her consent to _graft_ upon her _stock_. Mr. _Link_ the parson was sent for, who joined the loving _pair_ together; Mr. _Rowintree_ and Mr. _Holy-oak_ were bride-men. The company were, my lady _Joan Keel_, who _came-a-mile_ on foot to compliment them; and her maid _Sally_, remarkable for her _carrots_, that rid upon a _chestnut_. There was Dr. _Burrage_ too, a constant _medlar_ in other people's affairs. He was lately _im-peach'd_ for murdering Don _Quick-set_. Mrs. _Lettice Skirret_ and Mrs. _Rose-merry_ were the bride-maids; the latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an arch wag called a funeral dirge: but, notwithstanding this, our friend _John_ began to thrive upon matrimony like a _twig in a bush_. I forgot to tell you, that the tailor had so much _cabbage_ out of the wedding suit, there was none at all for supper.

R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun, and you immediately fix another upon it; as Dean Swift one day said to a gentleman, who had a very little bob wig, 'Sir, the _dam_ of your wig is a _whisker_;' upon which I came in very _à propos_, and said, 'Sir, that cannot be, for it is but an _ear-wig_.'

R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it out: as, suppose you should hear a man say the word _incomparable_----Then you proceed, _in-com-incom-par-par-rable-rable_ ----So let the other make his best of it.

R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a jumping of wits: that is, when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just coming out with it. One night, I remember, Mr. ---- served Dr. ---- so. The former saying over a bottle, 'Will, I am for my mistress here.' 'How so?' says Tom. 'Why, I am for _Wine-if-red_.' 'By this _crooked stick_[10],' said Tom, 'I was coming out with it.'

[10] _Cane-a-wry_, _i. e._ Canary.

R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of a word: as for example, I am asked, 'What is the best word to spend an evening with?' I answered, '_Potatos_; for there is _po--pot--pota--potat--potato_, and the reverse _sot-a-top_.'

R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man having got the thanks and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read it in "Cambridge Jests." This is such an inversion of it, that I think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in verse:

Thus puppies, that adore the dark,
Against bright Cynthia howl and bark;
Although the regent of the night,
Like us, is gay with borrow'd light.

R. 57. The Professionary Rule[11] is, to frame a story, and swear you were present at an event where every man talked in his own calling; _ex. gr._ Major ---- swears he was present at the seizing of a pick-pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield; and that he heard

A Tailor say, 'Send the dog to _hell_.'

The Cook, 'Let me be at him, I'll _baste_ him.'

The Joiner, 'It is _plain_ the dog was caught in the fact; I
_saw_ him.'

The Blacksmith, 'He is a fine _spark_ indeed!'

The Butcher, '_Knock down_ the _shambling_ cur.'

The Glazier, 'Make the _light shine through him_.'

The Bookseller, '_Bind him_ over.'

The Sadler, '_Pummel_ him.'

The Farmer, '_Thrash_ the dog.'

A Popish Priest going by, 'I'll make the _Devil fly out of
him_.'

[11] An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, in his "Full and True Account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows."

R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a punster stands his ground against a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter destruction of all conversation but his own. As for instance--says one, 'I hate a _pun_.'--Then he, 'When a _pun is meant_, is it a _punishment_?'--'Deuce take your quibbling!'--'Sir, I will not bate you an _ace_, _cinque_ me if I do; and I'll make you know that I am a _sice_ above you.'--'This fellow cannot talk out of his _element_.'--'To divert you was _all I meant_.'

R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you suppose things hardly consistent to be united, for the sake of a pun: as for instance--suppose a person in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of his face but the handle of it; why should he make the longest verses in the world? Ans. _Versos Alexandrinos_, _i. e._ All-eggs-and-dry-nose.

R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all languages: as for the Latin _Romanos_ you may say 'Roman nose'--_Temeraria_, 'Tom, where are you?'--_Oxoniæ prospectus_, 'Pox on you, pray speak to us. For the French _quelque chose_, you may say in English 'kick shoes.' When one says of a thief, 'I wish he was transported;' answer, 'he is already _fur_ enough.' Dr. Swift made an excellent advantage of this rule one night: when a certain peevish gentleman in his company had lost his _spectacles_, he bid him 'have a good heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them in the morning.'--'Pray, how so?'--'Why, sir,

'Nocte pluit tota, redeunt _spectacula_ manè.'

R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it, then he is to say, 'You have hit it!' As Major Grimes did: complaining that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning to run, he was answered by Mr.--, 'I wonder that you should be confined who have such running legs.' The Major replied, 'You have hit it; for I meant _that_.'

R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another punster; _ex. gr._ 'Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;' or 'He does not know the meaning of synonymous words;' or, 'He never rose so high as a conundrum or a carrywhichit.'

R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for your own: as for instance; mustard happened to be mentioned in company where I was, and a gentleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at _Mus--mus, sinapi--sinapi--snap eye--bite nose_;--One in the company, over-hearing him, _bit_ him, and _snapped_ it up, and said, 'Mustard is the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by the _nose_.'

R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word; _ex. gr._

For Church--_Kirk_.

For Bangor--_Clangor_.

For Presbyter--_Has-biter_.

This rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of assize for murder: his lordship asked his name, and being answered _Spillman_, the judge said, 'Take away _Sp_, and his name is _Ill-man_; put _K_ to it, and it is _Killman_: away with him, gaoler; his very name has hanged him[12].' This 34th rule, on this occasion, became a rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the same account, after this manner: 'Come, sir, I conjure you, as I am one of his majesty's justices of the peace, to tell me your name.'--'My name, an't please you, is _Watson_.'--'O ho, sir! _Watson_! mighty well! Take away _Sp_ from it, and it is _Ill-man_, and put _K_ to it, and it is _Kill-man_: away with him, constable, his very name will hang him.'

[12] A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exemplify the Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great enemy of mankind: 'Take away D, and it is _Evil_, take away the E, and it is _Vile_, take away the V, and it is _Ill_--_Ill, Vile, Evil, Devil_.'

Let us now consider a new case; as for instance, 'The church of England, as by law established.' Put a _T_ before it, and it is _Test-ablished_: take away the _Test_ and put in _o_, and it is _Abolished_.

How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni, obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation called the minister an _Humbassandor_ for an Ambassador[13].

[13] The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, 'A modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King Philip, a Minor, and universal Curate of the whole Spanish Monarchy, &c. by Thomas Gordon, Esq. 1719,' and is as follows: 'There is, in a certain diocese in this nation, a living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This, and two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in becoming ease and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, and a journeyman in the country; his curate and his coach-horses are his equal drudges, saving that the four-legged cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks, than his spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, to shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to receive the wages of his embassy; and then, sometimes in an afternoon, if his belly do not happen to be too full, he vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to instruct his people in the greatness of his character and dullness. This composes the whole parish to rest; but the doctor one day denouncing himself _the Lord's Ambassador_ with greater fire and loudness than could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused a clown of the congregation, who waked his next neighbour with, 'Dost hear, Tom, dost hear?'--'Ay,' says Tom, yawning, 'what does he say?'--'Say?' answered the other, 'he says a plaguy lie, to be sure; he says as how he is my Lord's _Humbassandor_, but I think he is more rather the Lord's Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take money.' Six hundred pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, a competent fee for lulling the largest congregation in England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such tithes are the price of napping; and such mighty odds are there between a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection of Tracts by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130.

Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend to your perusal and practice this most excellent rule, which is of such universal use and advantage to the learned world, that the most valuable discoveries, both as to antiquities and etymologies, are made by it; nay, further, I will venture to say, that all words which are introduced to enrich and make a language copious, beautiful, and harmonious, arise chiefly from this rule. Let any man but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what useful discoveries that very learned gentleman has made by the help of this rule; or, indeed, poor Horace would have lain under the eternal reproach of making 'a _fox_ eat _oats_,' had not the learned doctor, with great judgment and penetration, found out _nitedula_ to be a blunder of the librarians for _vulpecula_; which _nitedula_, the doctor says, signifies a _grass-mouse_, and this clears up the whole matter, because it makes the story hang well together: for all the world knows, that weazles have a most tender regard and affection to grass mice, whereas they hate foxes as they do fire-brands. In short, all various lections are to be attributed to this rule: so are all the Greek dialects; or Homer would have wanted the sonorous beauty of his oio's. But the greatest and best masters of this rule, without dispute, were the Dorians, who made nothing of saying _tin_ for _soie_, _tenos_ for _ekeinos_, _surisdomes_ for _surizomen_, &c. From this too we have our _quasis_ in Lexicons. Was it not, by rule the 34th, that the Samaritan, Chaldee, Æthiopic, Syriac, Arabic, and Persian languages were formed from the original Hebrew? for which I appeal to the Polyglot. And among our modern languages, are not the Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and French, derived and formed from the Latin by the same power? How much poets have been obliged to it, we need no further proof than the figures _prothesis_, _epenthesis_, _apocope_, _paragoge_, and _ellipsis_. Trimming and fitting of words to make them more agreeable to our ears, Dionysius Halicarnassensis has taken notice of, in his book 'De Compositione Vocum,' where he pleasantly compares your polite reformers of words to masons with hammers, who break off rugged corners of stones, that they may become more even and firm in their places.

But after all, give me leave to lament, that I cannot have the honour of being the sole inventor of this incomparable rule: though I solemnly protest, upon the word of an author (if an author may have credit), that I never had the least hint toward it, any more than the ladies' letters and young children's pronunciation, till a year after I had proposed this rule to Dr.----, who was an excellent judge of the advantage it might be to the public; when, to my great surprise, tumbling over the third tome of Alstedius, p. 71, right loth to believe my eyes, I met with the following passage: "Ambigua multam faciunt ad hanc rem, oujusmodi exempla plurima reperiuntur apud Plautum, qui in ambiguis crebro ludit. Joci captantur ex permutatione syllabarum et vocum, ut pro _De_cretum, _Dis_cretum; pro _Me_dicus, _Men_dicus et _Mer_dicus: pro Poly_carpus_, Poly_eopros_. Item ex syllabarum ellipsi, ut ait Althusisus, cap. iii. civil. convers. pro Casimirus, _J'rus_; pro Marcus, _Arcus_; pro Vinosus, _Osus_; pro Sacerdotium, _Otium_. Sic, additione literæ, pro Urbanus, _Turbanus_:" which exactly corresponded to every branch and circumstance of my rule. Then, indeed, I could not avoid breaking out into the following exclamations, and that after a most pathetic manner: "Wretched Tom Pun-Sibi! Wretched indeed! Are all thy nocturnal lucubrations come to this? Must another, for being a hundred years before thee in the world, run away with the glory of thy own invention? It is true, he must. Happy Alstedius! who, I thought, would have stood me in _all-stead_, upon consulting thy method of joking! _All's tedious_ to me now, since thou hast robbed me of that honour which would have set me above all writers of the present age. And why not, happy Tom Pun-Sibi? did we not jump together like true wits? But, alas! thou art on the safest side of the bush; my credit being liable to the suspicion of the world, because you wrote before me. Ill-natured critics, in spite of all my protestations, will condemn me, right or wrong, for a plagiary. Henceforward never write any thing of thy own; but pillage and trespass upon all that ever wrote before thee: search among dust and moths for things new to the learned. Farewell, study; from this moment I abandon thee: for, wherever I can get a paragraph upon any subject whatsoever ready done to my hand, my head shall have no further trouble than see it fairly transcribed!"--And this method, I hope, will help me to swell out the Second Part of this work.

THE END OF THE FIRST PART.

TOM PUN-SIBI;

OR,

THE GIBER GIB'D[14].

_Mirandi novitate movebere mostri._--Ovid.

[14] The Art of Punning was originally printed at Dublin in 1719, immediately reprinted in London, and then pretty generally ascribed to Dr. Swift. It appears, however, that in this instance the Dean was only an assistant; the piece having been written by Dr. Sheridan, and corrected and improved by Dr. Swift, Dr. Delany, and Mr. Rochfort. Although it does not seem calculated to give offence to any one, it however called forth the above Satire from the pen of Dr. Tisdal.

Tom was a little merry grig,
Fiddled and danced to his own jig;
Good-natured, but a little silly;
Irresolute, and shally-shilly:
What he should do, he cou'dn't guess.
Swift used him like a man at chess;
He told him once that he had wit,
But was in jest, and Tom was bit.
Thought himself second son of Phœbus,
For ballad, pun, lampoon, and rebus.
He took a draught of Helicon,
But swallowed so much water down,
He got a dropsy; now they say, 'tis
Turn'd to poetic diabetes;
For all the liquor he has pass'd,
Is without spirit, salt, or taste:
But, since it pass'd, Tom thought it wit,
And so he writ, and writ, and writ:
He writ the famous Punning Art,
The Benefit of p--s and f--t;
He writ the Wonder of all Wonders;
He writ the Blunder of all Blunders;
He writ a merry farce or poppet,
Taught actors how to squeak and hop it;
A treatise on the Wooden-man[15],
A ballad on the nose of Dan;
The art of making April fools,
The four-and-thirty quibbling rules.
The learned say, that Tom went snacks
With Philomaths, for almanacks;
Though they divided are, for some say,
He writ for Whaley, some for Cumpstey[16].
Hundreds there are, who will make oath,
That he writ almanacks for both;
And, though they made the calculations,
Tom writ the monthly observations!
Such were his writings, but his chatter
Was one continual clitter-clatter.
Swift slit his tongue, and made it talk,
Cry, 'Cup o' sack,' and 'Walk, knave, walk!'
And fitted little prating Pall
For wire-cage, in Common-Hall;
Made him expert at quibble-jargon,
And quaint at selling of a bargain.
Pall, he could talk in different linguos,
But he could not be taught distinguos:
Swift tried in vain, and angry thereat,
Into a spaniel turn'd the parrot;
Made him to walk on his hind-legs,
He dances, fawns, and paws, and begs;
Then cuts a caper o'er a stick[17],
Lies close, does whine, and creep, and lick:
Swift put a bit upon his snout,
Poor Tom! he daren't look about;
But when that Swift does give the word,
He snaps it up, though 'twere a t--.
Swift strokes his back, and gives him victual,
And then he makes him lick his spittle.
Sometimes he takes him on his lap,
And makes him grin, and snarl, and snap.
He sets the little cur at me;
Kick'd, he leapt upon his knee;
I took him by the neck to shake him,
And made him void his _album Græcum_.
'Turn out the stinking cur, pox take him!'
Quoth Swift: though Swift could sooner want any
Thing in the world, than a Tanta-ny,
And thus not only makes his grig
A parrot, spaniel, but his pig.

[15] The wooden-man was a famed door-post in Dublin.

[16] Famous Irish almanack makers.

[17] This was literally true between Swift and Sheridan.

ADVERTISEMENT.

The Second Part of this Work will be published with all convenient expedition: to which will be added, A small Treatise of Conundrums, Carriwhichits, and Long-petites; together with the Winter-fire's Diversion; The Art of making Rebuses; The Antiquity of Hoop-petticoats proved from Adam's two Daughters, Calmana and Delbora, &c. &c. &c.

A

PUNNING LETTER

TO THE

EARL OF PEMBROKE,

PRETENDED TO BE THE DYING SPEECH OF TOM ASHE,
WHOSE BROTHER, THE REVEREND DILLON ASHE, WAS
NICK-NAMED DILLY.

Tom Ashe died last night. It is conceived he was so puffed up by my lord lieutenant's _favour_, that it struck him into a _fever_. I here send you his dying speech, as it was exactly taken by a friend in short-hand. It is something long, and a little incoherent; but he was several hours delivering it, and with several intervals. His friends were about the bed, and he spoke to them thus:

My Friends,

It is time for a man to look _grave_, when he has one foot there. I once had only a _pun_nic fear of death; but of late I have _pun_dred it more seriously. Every fit of _coughing_ hath put me in mind of my _coffin_; though _dissolute_ men seldomest think of _dissolution_. This is a very great alteration: I, that supported myself with good _wine_, must now be myself supported by a _small bier_. A fortune-teller once looked on my hand, and said, 'This man is to be a great traveller; he will soon be at the _Diet_ of _Worms_, and from thence go to _Ratisbone_.' But now I understand his double meaning. I desire to be privately _buried_, for I think a public funeral looks like _Bury_ fair; and the _rites_ of the dead too often prove _wrong_ to the living. Methinks the word itself best expresses the number, neither _few nor all_. A dying man should not think of _obsequies_, but _ob se quies_. Little did I think you would so soon see poor _Tom stown_ under a _tomb stone_. But as the _mole_ crumbles the _mould_ about her, so a man of small _mould_, before I am _old_, may _moulder_ away. Sometimes I've _rav'd_ that I should _rev_ive; but physicians tell me, that, when once the great _artery_ has drawn the _heart awry_, we shall find the _cor di all_, in spite of all the highest _cordial_. Brother, you are fond of _Daffy's_ elixir: but, when death comes, the world will see that, in spite of _Daffy down Dilly_, whatever doctors _may design_ by their _medicines_, a man in a _dropsy drops he_ not, in spite of Goddard's _drops_, though none are reckoned such _high drops_?--I find death smells the blood of an Englishman: a _fee_ faintly _fum_bled out will be a weak defence against his _fee-fa-fum_.--_P.T._ are no letters in death's _alphabet_; he has not _half a bit_ of either: he moves his _scythe_, but will not be moved by all our _sighs_. Every thing ought to put us in mind of death. Physicians affirm, that our very food breeds it in us; so that in our _dieting_, we may be said to _di eating_. There is something ominous, not only in the names of diseases, as _di_-arrhœa, _di_-abetes, _di_-sentery, but even in the drugs designed to preserve our lives; as _di_-acodium, _di_-apente, _di_-ascordium. I perceive Dr. _Howard_ (and I feel _how hard_) _lay thumb_ on my _pulse_, then _pulls_ it back, as if he saw _lethum_ in my face. I see as bad in his; for sure there is no _physic_ like a _sick phiz_. He thinks I shall _decease_ before the _day cease_; but, before I die, before the bell hath _toll'd_, and _Tom Tollman_ is _told_ that little _Tom_, though not _old_, has paid nature's _toll_, I do desire to give some advice to those that survive me. First, let gamesters consider that death is _hazard_ and _passage_, upon the turn of a _die_. Let lawyers consider it as a hard _case_. And let punners consider how hard it is to _die jesting_, when death is so hard in _digesting_.

As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl of _Mungomerry_, I am sure he _be-wales_ my misfortune; and it would move him to stand by, when the carpenter (while my friends grieve and make an _odd splutter_) _nails_ up my coffin. I will make a short _affidavi_-t, that, if he makes my _epitaph_, I will take it for a great honour; and it is a plentiful subject. His excellency may say, that the art of punning is dead with _Tom_. _Tom_ has taken all puns away with him. _Omne tulit pun-Tom._----May his excellency long _live tenant_ to the queen in _Ireland_. We never _Herberd_ so good a governor before. Sure he _mun-go-merry_ home, that has made a kingdom so happy. I hear, my friends design to publish a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I have let many a _pun go_, which did never _pungo_; therefore the world must read the bad as well as the good. Virgil has long foretold it: _Punica mala leges_.----I have had several forebodings that I should soon die: I have of late been often at committees, where I have sat de _die_ in _diem_.----I conversed much with the _usher_ of the _black rod_: I saw his _medals_; and woe is _me dull_ soul, not to consider they are but dead men's faces _stampt over_ and _over_ by the living, which will shortly be my condition.

Tell Sir _Anthony Fountain_, I _ran_ clear to the _bottom_, and wish he may be a late _a river_ where I am going. He used to _brook_ compliments. May his _sand_ be long a _running_; not _quick sand_ like mine! Bid him avoid _poring_ upon monuments and books; which is in reality but _running_ among _rocks_ and _shelves_, to _stop_ his _course_. May his _waters_ never be _troubled_ with _mud_ or _gravel_, nor _stopt_ by any _grinding stone_! May his friends be all true _trouts_, and his enemies laid as flat as _flounders_! I look upon him as the most _fluent_ of his _race_; therefore let him not _despond_. I foresee his black _rod_ will advance to a _pike_, and destroy all our _ills_.

But I am going; my _wind in_ lungs is turning to a _winding_ sheet. The thoughts of _a pall_ begin to _a pall_ me. Life is but a _vapour_, car elle _va pour_ la moindre cause. Farewell: I have lived ad amicorum _fastidium_, and now behold how _fast I dium_!

Here his breath failed him, and he expired. There are some false spellings here and there; but they must be pardoned in a dying man.

A

LETTER

GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF

A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR.

Sir,

You must give me leave to complain of a _pestilent_ fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always beating _mortar_; yet I cannot find he ever builds. In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want a Drugger-man to interpret them. But all is not gold that _glisters_. _A pot he carries_ to most houses where he visits. He makes his prentice his _gally_ slave. I wish our lane were _purged_ of him. Yet he pretends to be a _cordial_ man. Every _spring_ his shop is crowded with country-folks, who, by their _leaves_, in my opinion, help him to do a great deal of mischief. He is full of _scruples_; and so very litigious, that he _files bills_ against all his acquaintance: and, though he be much troubled with the _simples_, yet I assure you he is a _Jesuitical dog_; as you may know by his _bark_. Of all poetry he loves the _dram-a-tick_. I am, &c.

A

PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY.

Worthy Mr. Pennyfeather,

Madam Johnson has been very ill-used by her servants; they put _shillings_ into her broth instead of _groats_, which made her stamp. I hear they had them from one _Tom Ducket_, a tenant to Major _Noble_, who I am told is reduced to _nine-pence_. We are doubting whether we shall dine at the _Crown_ or the _Angel_. Honest _Mark Cob_, who has been much _moydored_ of late, will dine with us, but 'Squire _Manypenny_ and Captain _Sterling_ desire to be excused, for they are engaged with Ned _Silver_ to dine in _Change_-alley. They live in great har-_mony_; they met altogether last week, and sate as loving as horses in a _pound_. I suppose you have heard of the _rhino_-ceros lately arrived here. A captain was _cash_-iered on Wednesday. A scavenger abused me this morning, but I made him down with his dust, which indeed was a _far-thing_ from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a _pi-stole_ from her; I would a' _ginny'e_ a good deal for such another. Mrs. _Dingley_ has made a _souse_ for your collard-eel. Alderman _Coyn_ presents his service to you. I have nothing but _half-pens_ to write with, so that you must excuse this scrawl. One of my seals fell into a _chink_. I am, without alloy,

Your most obedient,
TOM MITE.

P.S. Mr. _Cole_ presents his service to you, of which I am a-_tester_.

GOD'S REVENGE AGAINST PUNNING,

BY DR. ARBUTHNOT;

SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OF PERSONS ADDICTED
TO THIS CRYING SIN IN COURT AND TOWN.

Manifold have been the judgments which Heaven, from time to time, for the chastisement of a sinful people, has inflicted on whole nations. For when the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the punishment should be general: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate country, was that destructive pestilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweep away, if Sir William Petty may be believed, five millions of Christian souls, besides women and Jews.

Such also was that dreadful conflagration ensuing, in this famous metropolis of London, which consumed, according to the computation of Sir Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention churches and stables.

Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these funest disasters, when the abomination of playhouses rose up in this land: from hence hath an inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and overspread the kingdom. Even infants disfigured the walls of holy temples with exorbitant representations of the members of generation: nay, no sooner had they learnt to spell, but they had wickedness enough to write the names thereof in large capitals: an enormity observed by travellers to be found in no country but England.

But when whoring and popery were driven hence by the happy Revolution, still the nation so greatly offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and Whistonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a manner become universal.

And yet still, after all these visitations, it has pleased Heaven to visit us with a contagion more epidemical, and of consequence more fatal: this was foretold to us, first, by that unparalleled eclipse in 1714; secondly, by the dreadful coruscation in the air this present year; and, thirdly, by the nine comets seen at once over Soho-square, by Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and others: a contagion that first crept in among the first quality, descended to their footmen, and infused itself into their ladies--I mean the woeful practice of PUNNING. This does occasion the corruption of our language, and therein of the word of God translated into our language, which certainly every sober Christian must tremble at.

Now such is the enormity of this abomination, that our very nobles not only commit punning over tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's day, and in the king's chapel: therefore, to deter men from this evil practice, I shall give some true and dreadful examples of God's revenge against punsters.

The Right Honourable----(but it is not safe to insert the name of an eminent nobleman in this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a one has been _seen_; which is all we can say, considering the largeness of his sleeves)--This young nobleman was not only a flagitious punster himself, but was accessary to the punning of others, by consent, by provocation, by connivance, and by defence of the evil committed; for which the Lord mercifully spared his neck, but as a mark of reprobation _wryed his nose_.

Another nobleman of great hopes, no less guilty of the same crime, was made the punisher of himself with his own hand, in the loss of 500 pounds at box and dice; whereby this unfortunate young gentleman incurred the heavy displeasure of his aged grandmother.

A third of no less illustrious extraction, for the same vice, was permitted to fall into the arms of a _Dalilah_, who may one day cut off his curious hair, and deliver him up to the _Philistines_.

Colonel F----, an ancient gentleman of grave deportment, gave into this sin so early in his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to speak common sense, he hesitates so as not to be understood.

Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, banished to Minorca.

Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer in the army, turned a miserable invalid at Tilbury-Fort.

---- Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of the King's English in Ireland, is quite deprived of his reason, and now remains a lively instance of emptiness and vivacity.

Poor Daniel Button, for the same offence, deprived of his wits.

One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward attempt to pun, was stunted in his stature, and hath been visited all his life after with bulls and blunders.

George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in Holborn, was so given to this custom, and did it with so much success, that his neighbours gave out he was a wit. Which report coming among his creditors, nobody would trust him; so that he is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable condition.

Divers eminent clergymen of the university of Cambridge, for having propagated this vice, became great drunkards and Tories.

_From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy defend us all_, &c. &c.

THE BIRTH OF A PUN[18].

When Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe,
From the garden of Eden were driven;
They put up a prayer to king Joe in his chair,
That a boon he would grant them from heaven.
'Twas in vain that old Jove 'gainst their petition strove,
Madame Juno determined to grapple
His arguments keen; said the thunderer's queen,
"Where's the sin, pray, of stealing an apple?
Send Momus, I beg, let him carry an egg,
To earth's now disconsolate son;
And bid Mistress Eve, that no longer she grieve,
For the gods have enclosed them a _Pun_."
Now downward the sprite on the earth did alight,
And cracking the shell on the floor,
Gave birth to a Pun, full of humour and fun,
And sadness they never knew more.

[18] ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS,

_By the learned Author of Hermes._

On the subject of puns the late learned author of Hermes and Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and extracts:

A Pun seldom regards MEANING, being chiefly confined to SOUND.

Horace gives a sad example of this _spurious_ wit, where (as _Dryden_ humorously translates it) he makes _Persius_ the buffoon exhort the patriot _Brutus_ to kill Mr. King, that is, _Rupilius Rex_, because _Brutus_, when he slew _Cæsar_, had been accustomed to KING-KILLING.

_Hunc_ Regem _occide; operum
Hoc mihi crede tuorum est_.

We have a worse attempt in _Homer_, where _Ulysses_ makes _Polypheme_ believe his name was ΟΤΤΙΣ, and where the dull _Cyclops_, after he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his brethren who had done so much mischief, replies, 'twas done by ΟΤΤΙΣ, that is, by NOBODY.

Enigmas are of a more complicated nature, being involved either in _pun_ or _metaphor_, or sometimes in both.

Ἁνδρ' ἑιδον ωυρἱ χαλκὁν ἑπ' ἁνἑρι κολλἡσαντα.

_I saw a man, who_, unprovoked with ire,
_Stuck brass upon another's back by fire_.

This Enigma is ingenious, and means the _operation of cupping_, performed in ancient days by a machine of _brass_.

In such fancies, contrary to the principles of good _metaphor_ and good writing, a _perplexity_ is caused, _not by accident_, but _by design_, and _the pleasure_ lies in the being able _to resolve it_.

THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FOR
PUNNING ON NAMES.

The English are noted for punning on people's names, in allusion to their talent or profession.--Grimaldi was called, from his "grim faces," _Grim-all-day_; Macready, from his quick study, "_Make ready_;" Young, from his youthful appearance, "the _young_ actor;" Kean, from his new readings, "the _keen_ actor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful voice, "Mr. _Sing clear_;" Miss Tree, the lovely vocalist, "_the Mystery_," &c. &c. &c.: innumerable are the instances in the _political_ world, but _quant. suff_. Perhaps one of the most laughable of the present day is the pun upon Mr. Thomas Bish, the stockbroker's name; he was then at the head of one of the most respectable tea-dealing establishments in London. His friends sunk his Christian name, excepting the first letter, and jocosely called him Mr. _Tea_ Bish: perhaps the joke was borrowed from an epigram on Mr. Twining, the tea-dealer, viz.

"How curiously names with professions agree,
For Twining would be _wining_, dispossess'd of his T."

But we shall favour the reader with a few of the best modern examples.

OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES.

Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate,
(You all may from history worm it:)
There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great,
John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit.
But now, when the door-plates of misters and dames
Are read, each so constantly varies
From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnames
Seem given by the rule of contraries.

Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his fist,
Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel,
Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist,
Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel.
Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig,
Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly,
And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig
While driving fat Mrs. Golightly.

Mrs. Drinkwater's apt to indulge in a dram,
Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury,
And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Lamb
Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury.
At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout,
(A conduct well worthy of Nero,)
Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout,
Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero.

Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. Love,
Found nothing but sorrow await her:
She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove,
That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter.
Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut,
Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest;
Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut,
Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest.

Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock,
Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers,
Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a stock
Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers.
Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how,
He moves as though cords had entwined him;
Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow,
With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him.

Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea,
Mr. Miles never moves on a journey,
Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three,
Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney.
Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root,
Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back;
Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot,
Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback.

Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth,
Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won,
Large Mr. Le Fever's the picture of health,
Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one.
Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-year
By showing his leg to an heiress:--
Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clear
Surnames ever go by contraries.

_New Monthly Magazine._

AN EPITAPH,

OR

PUNNING RUN MAD.

Here lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the Sun,
He never had an _ail_, unless when all his _ale_ was done:
The Sun was on the sign, tho' what sign his sun was on,
No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon.
Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get;
But he declared no _soda-hack_ should ever share his _whet_.
His burnish'd sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was his cheer,
And quaffing of good _porter_ long kept him from his _bier_.
As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were so good,
And many a noble draught has he taken from the _wood_,--
Rare _spirited_ productions, with tasty views near _Cork_;
And then he had a _score_ or two _rum_ characters in _chalk_.
Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was nail'd,
And though he had lost one eyesight, his _hop-ticks_ never fail'd.
Good ale and cider _sold here_, oft made the _soldier_ halt,
And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard his malt;
Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair,
Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare;
While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay,
And swear it was both sweet and nice as any _shrub_ in May.
At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk with drink;
His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to shrink;
Tho' mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the sugar-candy,
And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the brandy.
His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast,
And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels breathed their last;
And when he treated _all hands_ his _Hollands_ ran away,
Nor reap'd he fruit from _any seed_ for _aniseed_ to pay.
And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still increas'd,
He puff'd the more _parfait au cœur_ till all his efforts ceas'd.
The storm, alas! was brewing, the brewer drew his till,
And Mrs. Figg, for 'bacca, to back her brought her bill.
Distillers still'd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind;
He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could find;
But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd him on the head,
So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye see, he's dead.

_Literary Gazette._

BENJAMIN BASHFUL

ON

THE VICE OF PUNNING.

THE PUNSTER'S FOE.

Who's he, that from our board is running?
He, Sir's an enemy to punning,
A bashful foe, who loves not wit--
Ergo, because he's none of it
Within his cranium; and at table
Sits like the fox in Æsop's fable,
Watching the grapes he'd fain devour,
And disappointed, calls them sour.
A laugh would decompose his metal,
And like a dog, with a tin kettle
Dangling at his tail, he runs
From witty wags who deal in puns.

TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.

Sir,

It has just been communicated to me, that you are about to collect and publish a Punster's Pocket-Book, for the express purpose of promoting that _pernicious vice_, which is already much too prevalent. As an antidote to the evil, I hope you will _not fail_ to insert this my special protest.

B. BASHFUL.

I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, to use the phrase of the mode, have just _come out_, and made my _entré_ into the world with the reputation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could wish you to notice a minor evil in society which tends to poison the springs of taste and knowledge, by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing back the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice of punning, which tends to destroy all the profit and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in the greatest degree, the young and inexperienced.

It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable _dilettanti_, each of them capable of sustaining a part in rational discourse, and of conducting the intellectual conflict with some share of vigour and learning; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter away time, patience, and attention, with a series of unconnected quibbles and conundrums. Instead of the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid creations of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation presents a motley intermixture of shreds of wit and patches of conceit, a chequer-work of incongruities, the very orts and scraps of the "Feast of Reason," the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If I relate to this group of punsters the most affecting circumstance, I am heard with impatience and inattention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. The mischievous spark of folly immediately ignites, the moral interest of my tale is undermined, and a loud report of laughter announces the explosion. The genius of orthography frowns in vain: puns are, by the law of custom, entitled to claim entrance into the sensorium either by the eye or the ear: but when a pseudo pun ("for indeed there are counterfeits abroad") is perceptible to neither sense--when read, its wit is not discoverable; and when heard, it cannot be understood: to avoid the horror of an explanation, I find myself obliged to perjure my senses by laughing in ignorance and very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the practice I would fain abolish. The evil is subversive of the first principle of society. Is it little to hunger for the bread of wisdom, and to be fed with the husks of folly? Is it little to thirst for the Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted in sport or malice? Is it little to seek for the interchange of souls, and find only the reciprocity of nonsense?

P.S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.

To which complaint, I add this note
And sketch, by way of antidote,
The glorious art can life enhance,
A Pun will cause a Bear to dance,
And as we here have proof,--provoke
A bashful man to stand a joke.

EXAMPLES IN PUNNING,

BY

ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT
PERSONS.

THE PUNSTER'S BOWL.

The sovereign medicine of life,
The antidote to care and strife--
Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl,
When humour meets a kindred soul:
Then flows the epigram, and pun,
From starry eve, to morning's sun;
And Laughter, "holding both his sides,"
The rubs and jeers of life derides.
Then honest hearts, elate with glee,
Forget the world, and black _ennui_;
For nought like punch, and puns, can drown,
The supercilious rich man's frown,
Or free the heart, a prey to care,
From fortune's ills and fell despair.

Bernard Blackmantle.

EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.

"The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men."
_Addison, Spectator, No. 61._

ROYAL PUNS.

RIGHT DIVINE.

Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the select evening parties of his present Majesty, George the Fourth, while at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend J. Wright. On one occasion the king suggested to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented, and his Majesty referred to the D.D. on which the reverend jocularly observed, "The king can do no wrong." Then, said his Majesty, "Fred. I shall pursue my object, for you hear I have '_Wright Divine_' on my side."

COOKE AND KITCHEN.

Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said to have had an intrigue with a Mrs. Kitchen. When the king was told of it, he said, "It was very natural that a Cooke should be fond of _Kitchen stuff_, but if he meddles with the _Coles_ he will get out of the frying-pan into the fire." The _Coles_ were cousins to the lady.

A DOWN HILL PUN.