Chapter III: Part 3

Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, and a near relative to the Londonderry family, was among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr. Tierney remarked, that Sir George was getting old and feeble--"If I mistake not," replied the king, "he is going _down hill_ very rapidly."

"Hume and Croker had a sharp contest last night," said the Earl of Liverpool to his Majesty, "but it ended in _smoke_." "I don't wonder at that," replied the monarch; "The _Fire_ of _Croker_ was sure to _smoke_ like Irish _turf_ beneath the weight of Scotch _Hume-i-dity_."

Sir Edmund Nagle said he wondered that the king of France did not feel offended at the _squibs_ let off against him in the English newspapers. "Pshaw!" said the king, "he would be a fool indeed to be frightened at a _squib_ in London, when at Paris he is sitting on a _barrel of gunpowder_."

LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT.

In an application to his Lordship for an injunction to restrain the proprietors of the "Gazette of Fashion" from selling the song of "We're a' Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling nature of the cause, after hearing the defendant, observed, "I will dismiss both parties, by granting an injunction against _Cease your Funning_."

LORD STOWELL,

On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in the Admiralty Court, inquired separately of the advocates, if they had any motion to _move_; and being answered in the _negative_, the judge very good humouredly replied, "Then, gentlemen, the best thing we can do will be to _move ourselves_."

GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST.
_Kicking the Bucket._

As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were walking along Pall Mall, the Earl struck his foot, by accident, against a small pail, (which some careless servant had left at the door), and turned it over; "Why, your lordship has _kicked the bucket_," said the facetious orator; "No, not so bad as that, George," replied the witty earl, "I've only _turned a little pale_ (i. e. _pail_)."

LORD ERSKINE.

Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of punning upon the ancient languages than his lordship. For instance, on one of the articles of his breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed _Tu doces_, literally _Thou--Tea--Chest_.

THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION.

"Your Grace speaks without _reason_, and too much in a _passion_," said a Spanish brunette to whom he had made a _proposal_, and was _pressing_ it somewhat _close_. "Ah! my dear little angel," said the great captain, "_reason_ has nothing to do with _love_; and _passion_ is very desirable when we are on the point of _entering_ into _immediate action_."

TURN IN AND TURN OUT.

A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the Duke early on the morning of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving him lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his Grace "had not room to _turn_ himself." The Duke immediately replied, "When you have lived as long as I have, you will know that when a man thinks of _turning in_ his bed, it is time he should _turn out_ of it."

THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE

Being told that a great public defaulter had married his _kept-mistress_, observed, "That fellow is always _robbing the public_."

ROGERS ON TASTE.

When the Marquis of Hertford opened his splendid hotel in Piccadilly, Mrs. Coutts was one of the visitors present--much to the annoyance of certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an observation of _hers_, upon the splendour and magnificence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers archly remarked, that, "besides splendour, there was so much good taste in the _ornaments_ and _society_--every thing in the rooms was so _chaste_ and _delicate_."

LADY HAMILTON.

The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her table given "Mr. Abraham Goldsmidt" as a toast, and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she cried, "Come, come, my Lord, you must not _sham Abraham_."

JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT.

A friend consoling with the comedian during a severe attack of the _gout_, observed, that the disease _prolonged life_, and added, "Any body might take a _lease_ of _yours_." "Then it must be," quoth Jack writhing with pain, "at a _rack rent_."

HOSPITALITY.

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the Irish, after his return from a trip to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been at _Cork_? "No," replied the wit, "but I have seen a great many _drawings_ of it."

LUTTRELL AND ROGERS.

Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the Chinese Saloon the other day. "This must be a famous speculation," said Sam; "I think the proprietor of the _Anatomie Vivante_ should take his motto from my favourite epistle in Horace--

'Annonæ prosit--
_Vir_ BONUS.'"

"Why," said Luttrell, "I think the man a humbug; you'll find plenty of living skeletons in our hospitals--so I think a better motto may be found for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted so often--

'_Vir_ BONUS est QUIZ.'"

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX.

C.J. Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend, both much incommoded by duns, were together in a house, when seeing some very shabby men about the door, they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. Not knowing which was in danger, and wishing to ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and calling to them, said, "Pray, gentlemen, are you _Fox-hunting_, or _Hare-hunting_?"

LORD ROSS.

The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland in order to recruit his purse. On his way he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a lofty phaeton, with six fine _dun_-coloured horses. "Sir Murrough," exclaimed his Lordship, "what a contrast between you and me! I have left my _duns_ behind me; you are driving your _duns_ before you."

DR. JOHNSON.

Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the end of the Old Bailey, observed a great crowd collected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it meant, was informed that one _Vowel_ was going to be hanged for forgery. "Well," replied the Doctor, "it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither _U_ nor _I_."

AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY.
_Dr. Johnson._

A pert young fellow who had made some abortive attempts as an author, and notwithstanding the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent terms with himself, had long been labouring for an opportunity of being introduced to the Doctor, and at length succeeded in obtaining an invitation to Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be frequently accosted by his name, which, in his own fond imagination, was "_fama super æthera notum_," he sat for some time in expectation of being accosted by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, that his hopes were vain, he at length ventured to break the ice. Approaching the Doctor with a smile of self-sufficiency, "My name, Doctor Johnson," said he, "is----; you have probably heard of me as being of some celebrity in the literary world." "Yes, I have indeed," was the sarcastic reply he received, "of _very unfortunate celebrity_."

DR. PARR ON WANTS.

The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness was secure in proportion to the _small number of his wants_; and he added, that, all his life, he had endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them in himself. A Mr. Ketch, on hearing this, said to him, "Then, Doctor, your secret of happiness is, to _cut down your wants_." "_Suspend_ your _puns_, Mr. _Ketch_," said the Doctor, "and _I will drop_ you the hint: _My_ secret is, _not to let them grow up_."

GEORGE COLMAN.

George Colman being once asked if he were acquainted with Theodore Hook, replied, "Oh yes; Hook and I (_eye_) are old associates."

JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER.

"We shall _jump_ into _summer_ all at once," said a friend to James Smith, one very fine day in the early part of the year. "Stop," said the punster, "if it is _leap year_, you must take a good _spring_ first."

SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART--THE SCORE OF MERIT.

Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir George Smart being knighted, said, "It must have been on the _merit_ of his _score_[19], and not on the _score_ of his _merit_."

[19] _The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over rich._

MR. WILLIAM SPENCER.
_Classical Pun._

As William Spencer was contemplating the caricatures at Fores's one day, somebody pointed out to him Cruickshanks's design of the "Ostend packet in a squall;" when the wit, without at all sympathizing with the nausea visible on some of the faces represented in the print, exclaimed,

"Quodcunque Ostendis _mihi_ sic incredulus odi."

REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST.

The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her friends who take grog, should mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the lady--"Pray, Sir, is it--_As You Like It_?"--"No, Madam," replied the dramatist, "it is--_Measure for Measure_."

HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS.
_The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian._

The first time that Henderson, the player, rehearsed a part at Drury Lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying as he entered, "I only come as a spectator." Soon after he made some objection to Henderson's playing, when the young actor retorted--"Sir, I thought you were only to be a _Spectator_; instead of that you are turning _Tatler_." "Never mind him, Sir," said David Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he will, I'll be the _Guardian_."

ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN.

The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written to some years since, with an offer for a good engagement from a manager, who, on a former occasion, had not behaved altogether well to him. Cherry sent him word, that he had been bit by him once, and he was resolved, that he should not make _two bites of A. Cherry_.

MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE.

Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was engaged as the opposing counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, "If _Raine was ever known to do any good to Hay?_"

RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER.
_A Fault in Candles._

Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph, "they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any _longer_."

C.J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE "SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL."

Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund Burke, at the Thatched House, where they were served with dishes more elegant than substantial. Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far from relishing the kickshaws that were set before him, and addressing his companion--"These dishes, Burke," said he, "are admirably calculated for your palate--they are both _sublime_ and _beautiful_."

HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON "TIT BITS."

Horne Tooke, author of the _Epea Pteroenta_, was remarkable for the readiness of his repartees in conversation. He once received an invitation to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. "What!" said Horne Tooke, "go to meet a country schoolmaster, a mere man of Greek and Latin scraps! that will never do." Some time after this, he met Dr. Parr in the street, and addressed him with, "Ah! my dear Parr, is it you? how gratified I am to see you!" "What, me?" replied Parr, "a mere country schoolmaster, a man of Greek and Latin scraps?" "Oh my good friend," rejoined Horne Tooke immediately, "those who told you that never understood me; when I spoke of the _scraps_ I meant the _tit-bits_."

CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE.

During Lord Westmoreland's administration, when a number of new corps were raised in Ireland (and given as jobs and political favours), it was observed, that, when inspected there, the establishment of each regiment was nominally reported to be complete at embarkation for England, but when landed at the other side, many of them had not a quarter of their numbers. "No wonder," said Mr. Curran, "for after being _mustered_, they are afraid of being _peppered_, and off they fly, not wishing to pay for the _roast_."

COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE.

A gentleman being severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, who asked him repeatedly if he did not live within the verge of the court, at length answered that he did. "And pray, sir," said Dunning, "why did you take up your residence in that place?"--"In order to avoid the impertinence of _dunning_," answered the witness.

LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET.
_Bleeding in Chancery._

On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained against that useful work the Lancet, the Lord Chancellor sent it to the Vice, and "hoped there would be no more _bleeding_," to which Mr. Hart replied, not much, as there was _only one operator_ retained by each side. Ay, but, said his lordship, they may stick to their _patient_ like a Leach.

R.B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR
ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.

One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak: "But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and another. "Now, (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:--

The Prince came in, said it was cold,
Then put to his head the rummer;
Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came,
When he pronounced it _summer_.

CHARLES BANNISTER.

Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his custody, and asking his offence, was told he had stolen a _bridle_. "Then (said Charles) he wanted _to touch the bit_."

WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING.

That very sober _pious_ personage, Mr. Wilberforce, reproved his friend Sheridan thus: "My good Sir, (said he) you have _drunk_ a _little_ too _much_." "Have I? (hiccupped the other) and you, my good Sir, have _drunk much_ too _little_."

THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD.

The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr. Whitfoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not_."

JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED.

The judge told an old man with a _long beard_, who was being examined as a witness, that he "supposed he had a _conscience as long as his beard_." If, replied the old man, we were all to be _judged_ of by _that rule_, your lordship would be deemed a most _unconscionable judge_[20].

[20] Jefferies had no beard.

LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY.

"_Sic sine Morte Mori_," was given by some wag as a toast, when Lord Chesterfield and Lord Tyrawley were both present, at a very advanced age, when Lord Chesterfield said, "Tyrawley and I have been _dead_ these two years; but we don't choose to have it known."

SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH.

A German baron at a gaming-house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him "never play _so high again_."

FELIX M'CARTHY.

Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did thus: "I have been abused here by some of the _rascals_ of this inn, and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the _Principal_."

TIERNEY _v._ FOX.

Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, "If any thing on my part, or on the part of those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could not lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then in administration) whispered to his neighbour, "If he could not _lie_ on his pillow with ease, he can _lie_ in this house with ease."

LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS.

Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him: "I allow no person (said he) to _kill game_ on my manor but myself; and I'll _shoot you_, if I find you here again." "What! (said the comedian) do you mean _to make game of me_?"

CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW.

The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following bits took place:

_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this fiddling.

_S._ Sir, I endeavour to _keep time_.

_W._ You mean rather _to kill time_.

_S._ No, I only _beat time_.

JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME.

When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by _Richard Cœur de Lion_, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, "Mr. Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are _murdering time_." Kemble, calmly and coolly taking a pinch of snuff, said, "My dear Sir, it is better for me to murder Time at once than be continually _beating_ him as you do."

SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE.

Sheridan complained that Congreve's "_Love for Love_," had been so much altered and modified to suit the delicate ears of modern mawkishness, that it was quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern marriages, with very little of "_Love for Love_" in it. "His plays," said the wit, "are, I own, somewhat licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them: they are like horses; when you deprive them of their vice, they lose their vigour."

THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT.

An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been promoted to the _bench_."

SIR J. PARNELL

Became a general _toast_ in Ireland after the Union, by which he lost his place, or, as he once said, "his bread and butter." When lamenting his loss, he was told, "Ah! but it's amply made up to you in _toast_."

HORACE TWISS, M.P.
_A special Pun._

Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of Covent Garden theatre, to see Macbeth: when the hero questions the witches what they are doing, they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than Shakspeare, catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_! why, 'tis _void_."

RALPH WEWITZER.

The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. "Ay, (says the other) I have a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be well satisfied; in the first place, every morning I eat a _great deal_ to breakfast." "Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in a _timber-yard_."

JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER.

A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he observed to a friend, "I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be a _Shooter_."

LORD NELSON'S ARMS.

The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put up his _arms_, and change the _name_ of the inn to _The Nelson Hotel_; his lordship returned for answer, that he was perfectly welcome to his _name_, but he must be sensible that he had no _arms_ to spare.

SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST.

A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an assemblage of lawyers, Mr. Curran asked his lordship, if he should have the pleasure of helping him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. "If it were _hung_ (said his lordship), I would try it." "If _you_ were to _try_ it (replied Curran), it would be sure to be _hung_."

CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE.

On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to "_Coventry_" for refusing to fight a duel, "Sure," said the wit, "that is carrying the joke a little _too far_."

CAPITAL JOKES.

While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If (replied Mr. Curran) you have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the better."

ON DISCIPLINE.

MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, MacNally said, "My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the Lawyers' Corps, and follow the camp." "You follow the camp, my little limb of the law!" said the wit, "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian." "And why not, Mr. Curran?" said MacNally. "For this reason," said Curran, "the moment you were ordered to march you would _halt_."

LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL.

A gentleman told Lord North, that from a variety of losses, he had found himself compelled to reduce his establishment. "And what (said his lordship) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" "I have sold her." "Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim:

'Equam _memento rebus in arduis
Servare_.'"

MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND.

Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their mutual preferment, and thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage, observed, "_Honores mutant Mores_." "No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the pun will be much better in English, _Honors change Manners_."

LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING.

Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of wit. "True (said the other), it is the _foundation_."

THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE.
_Pun beneficial._

Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, delighted in a good pun. His clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as they were in the time of poor _Mary_, adding with a sigh, "Ah! she was indeed _Mare Pacificum_." A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, "Ay, my lord, but she was first _Mare Mortuum_."

DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS.
_A pun spoiled._

At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey with age. "Carry these pease to Kensington!" said one of the party. "Why to Kensington?" said another. "Because it's the way to _Turn'em green_." Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a pun. "You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when you are to dine with me, and none of the same company will be present." Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up; amongst the other dishes a plate of pease of the same description. "Carry these peas to Kensington," said Goldie. "Why so?" "Because it's the way to _make them green_!"

DR. BROWN'S TOAST.

Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the latter filling his glass, said, "Come, doctor, I'll give you your favourite _toast_." He answered, "You may do as you please; but for myself, I have already _toasted_ her too long without being able to make her _Brown_."

R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M.P.

"Sir," said the humane M.P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own bill), "instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as formerly, you will shortly see them applying _opodeldoc_ to their wounds." "Ay;" rejoined the punster, "_Steer's_ of _Cow_-lane."

R. PEAKE AND WINSTON.

The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, "he feared Mr. Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a stage _screw_ lying upon the table before him, took it up and replied, "I perceive he has left his card and _name_ behind him."

ARNOLD AND PEAKE.

A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the proprietor of the English Opera, was an _ill-tempered_ man, but a _fortunate_ one, Charles Westmacott replied, "he knew that to be true, for he was indebted for both his _cash_ and _success_ to _pique_." (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.)

PEAKE'S "STOUT MAN"

Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did not _run_ according to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, "How can you expect a _stout man to run in such very hot weather_?"

CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS.

The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where there was an _electric eel_, the latter said, "Charles, what sort of a pie would that eel make?" He answered, "A _shock-ing one_."

THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES.

Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing a wherry on the Thames, with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, "Your grace is certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for by your _skull_ you could always keep your _head above water_."

BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN.
_Simplicity_ v. _Wit_.

A country booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. _Wise-acre_!"

DENNIS THE PUNSTER.
_Tria juncta in uno._

Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen, whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; he answered them in the following manner: "If _Good_ be the better half of thy name, it is so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in conjunction with thy friend _John_, thou hast helped to make such a noble copy of verses that they ought to be engraven on _stone_. I would have given steel the preference, if a certain person did not _Mar_ your works, so _shall_ say no more of the matter."

W. R. V.-ANA.

THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER.

"A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

[There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the pleasant, _punning_, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose whim, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle him to.]

Some one observed, "_Matches_ are made in Heaven." "Yes," answered he, "and they are very often _dipped_ in the other place."

Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that beautiful song on Ingratitude, "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind!" one said Ben Jonson; the other said Shakspeare. R.V. to adjust their differences, observed, "They must have written it between them, for each was _a-verse_ to ingratitude."

A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the nobleman who was shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the punster--"_You-go-lean-O!_" was the reply.

"A tailor is the _ninth part_ of a man," observed a would-be-wit, in the presence of a knight of the sheers: "But," answered R.V. "a fool's _no part_ at all."

"He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. "You speak from _experience_," was the _stopper_ to this _vinegar cruet_.

Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn at Hammersmith: R.V. hoped that as he had so long answered the _bell_, the _Bell_ would now _answer_ him.

One asked him what works he had in the press. "Why, the History of the Bank, with _notes_; the Art of Cookery, with _plates_; and the Science of Single Stick, with _wood cuts_."

A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at Grillon's hotel. "I am surprised at that," said he; "his father took his _chop_ at _Hatchett's_."

A barber recommended him his aromatic essence for the improvement of his hair. "No, no; don't waste your fragrance on the _desert hair_."

A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he said nothing. "Poor fellow; don't you see he's _lock-jawed_?"

"How well you put on your cravat," said a crony: "that _tie_'s something new."--"Yes; it's a _novel-tie_."

He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, "I should not like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of our _falling out_."

Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press to his bookseller, "Dear me!" he exclaimed, "what a _weight is off my mind_."

"What a swell you are in your new frock coat," said a quiz to him one day. "Don't you like it?--I do: indeed I'm quite _wrapped up in it_."

The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a new waistcoat, asked if it was a _city cut_. "No," answered he, "it's a _west-cut_."

Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine glass: the waiter, in bringing it, inadvertently let it fall--"Zounds! I did not ask you for a _tumbler_!"

Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every thing, good, bad, or indifferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the old fellow. "True, true; we have nothing _new_ or _good_ now-a-days: Waterloo bridge is a _catchpenny_, Herschell's telescope _all my eye_, the steam engine _a bottle of smoke_, and the safety-coach _a complete take in_."

Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learning was _pabulum animi_, food of the mind. "Yes," replied he, "and that's the reason, I suppose, the collegians wear _trencher_ caps."

On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so boisterous as to blow off his foraging cap, greatly inconveniencing him: a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near, presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted, and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the following impromptu:

"Whether in peace or war,
If hostile dangers frown,
It is the soldier's care
To guard his Monarch's _crown_."

He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain nobleman, notorious for his stupidity. "My book wanted a _title_," was the reply. "Oh!" he observed, "but it might otherwise have been _peer-less_."

On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that they should refuse him "_even a major-ity_."

Being proposed a member of the Phœnix Club, he asked when they met:--"Every Saturday evening during the winter."--"Then," said he, "I shall never make a Phœnix, for "_I can't rise from the fire_."

NORBURYANA[21];

CONTAINING

A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORBURY'S
_BEST PUNS_,

Pure as Imported.

THE PUNNING LAWYERS.

The counsel archly crack their joke
On every word the witness spoke;
The Jury, laughing, like the fun,
And Norbury sums up with a _Pun_.

[21] Many of these whims have never before appeared in print.

A good _Pun_ has, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our courts of law, as a good _plea_; and not unusually has proved successful with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more weighty arguments of _precedents_ and _rejoinder_, would only have produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as clear as his judgments are sound: scarcely a packet of Irish papers arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the humourist is after the last _good thing_ of the Chief Justice's; and, if he fails to encounter a _new pun_, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, without _game_ for the morrow; for _pun-less_, he is quite as miserable as if he was _penny-less_; and if he cannot _crack_ a new joke at the club, he is like to go _cracked_ himself with vexation in consequence.

It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose performances will be attributed to genius, for the sake of notoriety, which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual under whose cognomen they are surreptitiously launched forth into public life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether invented in the _Four Courts_ of Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in the _broad_ and _narrow Courts_ of London, at the Fives _Court_ or the Tennis _Court_, the King's _Court_, or the _Courts_ of law and equity, are all heaped upon the _great original_, Lord Norbury; who has, in consequence, as many _sins_ of this sort to bear with, as any _criminal_ that ever appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to the _Noble Punster_, only, the _legitimate offspring_ of his _own_ creation; or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his witty family.

LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO

Is, "_Right can never die_;" then, said his lordship, punning thereon, "_right_ must be _left_ for ever."

AN AMOROUS PUN.

"Who is that lovely girl?" exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in company with his friend Counsellor Grahaarty. "Miss Glass," replied the barrister. "_Glass!_" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press such a _glass to my lips_!"

THE JOKER'S RETORT.

The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial Parliament, only afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supplemental criticism, viz. "That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted an _Irish stick_ to it;" an appendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's career, he certainly would have been very ready to furnish.

PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE.

The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation of _Bully Egan_, from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the administration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the Whigs of that day in a most outrageous opposition to the administration of the noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when the opposition succeeded in voting the unlimited regency of Ireland to the Prince of Wales. The Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without beat of drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of the political field. Not content with this retreat, the Whigs continued to pelt the character of the noble Marquis, by way of _post obit_, and to heap all those maledictions upon his administration, when defunct, which they had so indefatigably done while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in his speech an episode, in which he proposed, "Now that the Marquis was politically dead, to _pencil_ his epitaph;" and this he did in such coarse and ponderous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord Norbury, in his reply, termed this effort of Egan, _penciling with a pickaxe_.

TIME AND ETERNITY.

On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of privately stealing a _time piece_, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the enormity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing, that he had been _grasping_ at _time_, and caught _eternity_.

THE CANAL AND LOCKS.

Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was possessed of considerable property in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through parliament for draining her lands, he accosted her, "Ah, my dear Mrs G----, how d'ye do?--how goes on your _water ways_?--I must come and take a view of your little _canal_ and _locks_."

DROPPING THE SUBJECT.

A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him--"Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better; so if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." "The _subject_ may _drop_," replied his lordship.

JAM SATIS.

A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie made of raspberry jam, inquired if he would have some more fruit? "_Jam satis_," replied the punster.

THE CRITICS CURTAILED.

"Lord Byron calls his abusers _dogs_," said a friend to Lord Norbury; "No doubt he wishes them and their censures _cur-tailed_," was the reply.

SHAKE-SPEARE.

Riding one day with a friend of the name of Speare, whose horse appeared to jolt him very much, his Lordship could not help observing it. "He is young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. "By the bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." "It must be _Shake-speare_, then," retorted his Lordship.

KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS.

Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of Dublin, declined, through prudential motives, from giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast, so offensive to the King James's party. James, the next Lord Mayor, was not so particular, but gave it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who was present, could not help observing, "You are no friend to _King_,--_James_."

CURLED HAIR.

Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, the mattrass-maker in Sackville Street, Dublin, who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with her on having so long delayed sending home his order: "Sure your Lordship," said the good woman, with great _naiveté_, "there's _no curled hair_ to be had now in Dublin, neither for _love nor money_." "By the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking amorously, "but it was very plentiful in this city, Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a _curly boy_."

TRIAL OF A HORSE.

Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury had concluded charging the jury, after a laborious and long trial, when they retired to make up their verdict, a barrister got up to make a motion respecting a horse, that had been returned to a jockey for not being sound. His lordship complained of his being much tired after the business of the day, and begged they would postpone the business till Monday. The lawyer, anxious to push forward the business, said it would only occupy him a few minutes to _try it_. His Lordship rising, said in his usual dry way: "Gentlemen, to-morrow is a holiday; you will have time and leisure to _try the horse yourselves_."

A DRY WIPE.

Lord Norbury being in company with some lawyers, was asked, had he seen a pamphlet that was written by O'Grady, in which he was reflected on? replied, "Yes, yes, I took it to the water-closet with me." When told who was the author, he replied, "Ha! I did not think my friend Grady intended me such a _wipe_."

HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE.

Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled with a determination of blood to the head. Surgeon Carrol accordingly opened the _temporal artery_; and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship said to him, "Carrol, I believe you were _never called to the bar_?" "No, my Lord, I never was," replied the surgeon.--"Well, I am sure, Doctor, I can safely say _you have cut a figure in the Temple_."

THE GAME JOKE.

On being informed, last autumn, of the elopement of Mrs. Moore, whose maiden name was Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, "Then we must look out our _fleecy hosiery_."--"Why so, my Lord?" "Because it is an unerring symptom of a sudden, long, and severe winter to see, so early in the season, the _Woodcocks forsake the Moors_."

MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED.

Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth riding on horseback in the Phœnix Park, took occasion to admire the beauty of their horses: "The gift of His Majesty," said her Ladyship artlessly: "and Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present."--"Then I understand," said Lord Norbury, "His Majesty _mounts you both_."

A SPORTING PUN.

A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast.--"Thirty-three _hares_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "Zounds, Sir! then you must have been firing at a _wig_."

THE FEMALE LINGUIST.

A report having reached his Lordship that a female pedant, who was well known as a blue stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he observed, "He could answer for her disposition to _conjugate_, but feared she would have no opportunity of _declining_."

HOPE AND JOY.

At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an eminent attorney, being employed as agent in a certain cause, apologized to the court for the absence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it would delay for a few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who was engaged in another court, would return. Some time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the bar, saying, "Gentlemen, I think we had better proceed with the business of the day--although

'_Hope_ told a flattering tale,
That _Joy_ would soon return.'"

A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD.

A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner not pleasing to him, turned to an acquaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that he did not come there to be _queered_ by the old one. Lord Norbury heard him, and instantly replied in his own _cant_, "I'm _old_, 'tis true, and I'm _rum_ sometimes--and for once I'll be _queer_, and send you to _quod_."

A LATE DINNER.

Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, when Mr. Toler. His dinner hours were late, which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler was going to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran walking towards his house, said, "Do not forget, Curran, you dine with me to-day." "I rather fear, my friend," replied Mr. Curran, "it will be _so long first_, that you may forget it."

CUT AND COME AGAIN.

In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was plaintiff, and Mr. Allpress of Abbey-street, defendant, before Lord Norbury and a special jury, Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one or two more very fat barristers were employed for the defendant. The opposite bar were remarkably thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Pennyfather, &c. Mr. Johnson, in defending his client from paying a penal rent, in the heat of argument said, "My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the opposite party stand forth like Shylock in the play, with their knife outstretched _to cut from us_ the very pound of flesh!" Lord Norbury very tritely interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, "Mr. Johnson, the opposite bar perhaps conceive you _can spare it better_."

A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED.

When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence of transportation to Botany Bay was passed upon the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been detected in clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry-room table, after the collection for the Charity Schools of St. Michael's Church, in November 1819, he jocosely replied, "that he thought it very hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have _note takers_ at all such public meetings."

CLOSE SHAVING.

The Persian Ambassador having, among other public places, visited the Irish Courts of Justice, in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business was suspended for a short time, to view so extraordinary a personage, he being fully dressed in the eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had retired, one of the Judges asked Lord Norbury what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily replied, "he might be a very _clever man_, but he was certain he was not a _close shaver_."

THE RACKET COURT.

The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so decorous and attentive as they should be. During the examination of a witness, Lord Norbury had occasion once or twice to request silence; when the man, in a reply to a question from his lordship relative to his occupation, answered that "he kept a _racket court_." "Indeed," said the judge, and looking archly at the bar, continued, "and I am very sorry to say that I am Chief Justice of a _racket court_ much too often."

POT LUCK.

A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very irritable, had a party of vocal and instrumental friends on a particular evening in every week at his own house; when some wags, more desirous of promoting discord than harmony, used to assemble under his windows, making the most hideous noises, or in the Irish phraseology, "_giving him a shaloo_," upon which the amateur dislodged the contents of a certain chamber utensil upon the heads of some passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. For this assault an action was brought and tried before Lord Norbury, who, in summing up the case to the jury, good humouredly observed, "that the plaintiffs must be considered in the light of _uninvited guests_, and it could not be denied that they had been treated by the defendant with _pot-luck_."

In a humorous trial between the rival managers, Messrs. Daly and Astley, respecting the right of the latter to perform the farce of "My Grandmother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's counsel stated, that the penalties recoverable from the defendant, for his infringement of the rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. Toler, in reply, observed, "That it was notorious, no man in Dublin had contributed more largely, _in one way_, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly; and it was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this action, that he should send them _the cash_. But," continued the facetious counsel, "although Mr. Daly's attachment to _good pieces_ is proverbial, we do not choose that he shall monopolize all the _good pieces_ in Dublin, from '_My Grandmother_' down to '_Miss in her Teens_.'"

LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH.
SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF

He's dead! alas, facetious _punster_,
Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir:
From heaven's high court, a _tipstaff's_ sent,
To call him to his _pun_-ishment:--
Stand to your ropes! ye sextons, ring!
Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding!
Nor-bury him without his due,
He was himself a Toler[22] too!

[22] The Learned Judge's name.

PUNNING EPIGRAMS.

THE SPORTING PUNSTERS.

Two merry wags, of Cockney land,
Well known at Rhodes's, in the Strand,
Where tavern wits choice puns let fly,
Resolved their dogs and guns to try.
Dress'd cap-a-pee, in sporting suit,
With jacket, belt, and net to boot,
Away they trudge to Hampstead Rise,
To take the pheasants by surprise.
And what will strange appear, though true,
A poor stray'd cock-bird came in view,
Uprising 'tween the punning elves,
Who miss'd the bird, but shot themselves.
Condoling on their hapless gunning,
They yet could not desist from punning:
"Ne'er mind, Tom, _peasants_ each we've hit."
"Why leave the _aitch_, Ned, out of it?"
"Because," quoth Ned, "I'd fain forget
The _aitch_ that frets my body yet."
"Still _pop_ for _pop_," quoth Tom again.
Says Ned, "I feel a _shooting pain_;
But then I've heard, those who aspire
To be good sportsmen must stand fire."
"Agreed," cries Tom, "and in my head
'Tis now engraved in _molten lead_."

_By_ Bernard Blackmantle.

ON SIR THOMAS MORE, LORD CHANCELLOR OF ENGLAND.

When _More_ had few years Chancellor been,
No _more_ suits did remain;
The like shall never _more_ be seen,
Till _More_ be there again!

R.B. SHERIDAN'S EPIGRAM ON PITT.

The nation is _pawn'd_! we shall find to our cost,
And the minister since has the _duplicate_ lost.
We shall all be undone by the politic schemer,
Who, though "_Heav'n-born_[23]," will not prove a _Redeemer_.

[23] In the ministerial prints Mr. Pitt was usually so designated.

ON "RECOLLECTIONS OF LORD BYRON, BY THE
LATE R.C. DALLAS, EDITED BY HIS SON."

A mighty DULL ASS is old prosing Dallas,
And quite as dull and prosing is his Son--
What! fifteen shillings for the book! Alas!
No pleasant "_Recollection_"----I am _done_.

DEAN SWIFT'S BARBER.

Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public house. "And what's your sign?" said the Dean. "Oh, the pole and bason; and if your worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The Dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long graced the barber's sign:

"Rove not from _pole_ to _pole_, but step in here,
Where nought excels the _shaving_ but the _beer_."

G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE,

_Impromptu, on Miss M. Tree's intended marriage and
retirement from the stage._

You bloom and charm us!--still the bosom grieves,
When Trees of _your description_ take their _leaves_.

TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR,

_On his giving a Fete on board the Hecla._

Dear Captain Parry, you are right
To give the belles a levee;
God grant your _dancing_ may be _light_,
For oh! your _book is heavy_.

SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMB.

_Elia's Pen._

Says _Elia_, "Zounds, this pen is hard!"
Quoth Samuel Rogers, "Do not huff;
But write away, my honey bard,
You soon can make it _soft enough_."

FRI _v._ DAY.

_Good Friday_ rain'd, _Sam Rogers_ dined
On soles, for fish were all the go;
And Sam allowed the _Fri_ was _good_,
Although the _day_ was but _so so_.

TO THE LATE MR. COUTTS.

_Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of
Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the
Marquis of Huntley._

An _apple_, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace,
Who from Paradise quickly was driven;
But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case,
For a _Melon_ transports you to heaven.

TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW.

Her mourning is all make-believe;
'Tis plain there's nothing in it;
With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve,
The while she's laughing in it.

IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE,
ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE.

'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain;
For he never knew pleasure who never knew _Payne_.

TO C.J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE.

God's noblest work's an _honest man_,
Says Pope's instructive line;
To make an _honest woman_, then,
Most surely is divine.

TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY.

You _move_ the people, when you speak,
For one by one, _away_ they sneak.

COWPER'S HOMER.

_Any-mad-versions_ when like this I see,
_Animadversions_ they will draw from me.

TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR.

_With his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on the
Poet's head, as he was reading in bed at Merton._

Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire,
For I wish not to keep it a minute;
What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire,
Is sure to be instantly in it.

ON THE COUNTESS OF B----, WHO WAS RUINED AT
THE GAMING TABLE.

_Card-table epitaph._

Clarinda reign'd the queen of _hearts_,
Like sparkling _diamonds_ were her eyes;
Till by the knave of _clubs'_ false arts,
Here bedded by a _spade_ she lies.

ADAM AND MACADAM.

"The Macadamized streets are extremely _dusty_."--
_Morning Paper._

Adam was made of borrow'd dust;
So says the Bible; and, 'tis plain,
Macadam, to discharge the trust,
To dust turns all the _ways of men_.

THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN.

_A hint to clever men employed on such occasions._

"Poor Peter Pike is drown'd, and neighbours say
The jury mean _to sit on him_ to day."
"Know'st thou for what?" said Tom.--Quoth Ned, "no doubt
'Tis merely done _to squeeze the water out_."

BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX.

_Royal Pun-Dit._

Come, lament, all ye _Rogers_, of punning renown,
Whose praises are sung by the[24] Puss sex,
For the pun of all puns that enraptures the town
Is the last by his big Grace of Sus-sex.

In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts,
And telling the names of its Patrons,
He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street boasts,
No matter if spinsters or matrons.

First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss:
Said his Grace "Were such joys ever given!
We enter the first--for the way we can't miss:
We enter the second--'_tis Heaven_!"

[24] Puss, a domestic animal--allegorically a mature spinster--_a tabby_.--Johnson.

TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF "BRUTUS."

Your _prose_ and _verse_ alike are bad,
Methinks you both transpose;
Your _prose_ e'en like your _verse_ runs mad,
And all your _verse_ is _prose_.

DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER.

_The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Composer,
for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert,
by his friend Peter Pindar._

Son of the _string_, (I do not mean _Jack Ketch_,
Though Jack, like _thee_, produceth _dying tones_,)
Oh! yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
And for to-morrow's _treat_, pray send thy _bones_!

BY LORD BYRON,

_On Southey's house being on fire._

Pierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates,
Abstulit: hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phœbe, placet?
O scelus, ô magnum facinus, crimenque deorum,
Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus.

_Martial_, Lib. xi. Epig. 94.

The Laureate's house hath been on fire! the Nine
All smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine:
But, cruel fate! Oh damnable disaster!
The house--the house is burnt, and not the master!

GEORGE TIERNEY, M.P.

_The Inclosure Bill._