Chapter IV: Part 4

If 'tis a crime in man or woman,
A goose to pilfer from a common;
What can a parliament excuse,
To steal a _common_ from a _goose_?

ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE,

_A lady remarkably short in stature._

Thrice happy Tom--I think him so;
For mark the poet's song,--
"Man wants but little here below,
Nor wants that little _long_."

ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN
AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS.

His _time_ was _quick_, his _touch_ was fleet,
Our gold he nimbly _finger'd_;
Alike alert with _hands_ and _feet_,
His _movements_ have not linger'd.

Where lies the wonder of the case?
A moment's thought detects it;
His _practice_ has been _thorough-bass_,
A _chord_ will be his exit.

SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM.

A father and son much addicted to drink,
Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee;
Said the parent, "Why, Tom, thou dost drink mighty deep,
Though you'll say that you take _after_ me."

"No, _father_," cried Tom, "I will never say so,
Nor _do_ so, I hope, by St. Paul;
For, 'tis certain, that if I did _take after you_,
I should drink _scarcely any at all_!"

BY LORD HARBOROUGH.

If _Love's_ a _flame_, as ancient poets prove,
Ah, me! how _cold's_ the _fire_ of my _Love_.

ON A PAINTED FAIR.

Ye ladies who _paint_, may most safely declare,
With _Horace_, that _dust_ and a _shadow_ ye are.

CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM.

An epigram, what is it, honey?
A little poem, short and funny;
About four lines in length,--not more:
Then this _is_ one, for here are four.

ON A MISER NAMED MORE.

_Iron_ was his chest,
_Iron_ was his door;
His hand was _iron_,
And his heart was _More_.

ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE.

_Written during the O.P. contest._

_Actor_ and _Architect_, he tries
To please the critics, one and all;
This bids the _private tiers_ to rise,
And that the _public tears_ to fall.

MAIDS AND BACHELORS.

Old maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes;
It may be true--but, tarry--
They're bachelors that fill those shapes
Because they did not marry.

ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN
ARM IN ARM.

How D.D. swaggers, M.D. rolls!
I dub them both a race of noddies:
Old D.D. has the cure of souls,
And M.D. has the care of bodies.
Between them both, what treatment rare
Our souls and bodies must endure!
One has the cure without the care,
And one the care without the cure.

ONE LAWYER MORE.

"Pray does one More, a lawyer, live hard by?"
"I do not know of _one_," was the reply;
"But if one _less_ were living, I am sure,
Mankind his absence safely might endure."

PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC.

In critics this country is rich;
In friendship and love who can match 'em:
When writers are plagued with the _itch_,
They hasten most kindly to _scratch_ 'em.

DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE
INNS OF COURT.

The Society of Clement's Inn having had iron
bars put up at the entrance to prevent porters,
cattle, or other nuisances from coming in,--it
called forth the following lines from a "_fat
single gentleman_" to the principal and ancients.

Ye _principal_ and _ancient_ men, attend
To one of your unfortunate fat lodgers,
Whose _studies_ make him _lusty_;--oh! befriend!
Or I shall surely call you _ancient codgers_.

'Tis true I came here, looking to _the bar_,
And hop'd to have _a call_ some day unto it;
But at _your entrance_ now there _many_ are,
Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it.

"_I can't get out_," as Sterne's poor starling said,
Unless I ask the porter to unlock it;
This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed,
Or 'gainst my _corpus_ you must strike a docket.

This may reduce me to a decent size,
And let me pass your cursed bars of iron;
Put up to keep us from the _London cries_,
Which now your _sanctum sanctorum_ environ.

For if I can't be _taken in_, 'tis clear
I cannot be _let out_; and that gives trouble.
Ye _principal_ and _ancient_ men, oh! hear!
And let me _pass the bar_--I'm David Double.

ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY.

That _Homer_ should a bankrupt be
Is not so very _Odd-d'ye-see_;
If it be true, as I am instructed,
So _Ill-he-had_ his books conducted.

WALKING FOR LIFE.

_On a Gentleman bringing on a severe fit of illness, by
an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his
health._

Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus your breath;
'Tis in vain these exertions you make:
And to "_walk for your life_" against sure-footed death,
Is the very "_worst step you can take_!"

A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW.
_On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which were used
as wine cellars_:

There's a spirit _above_ and a spirit _below_,
A spirit of _joy_ and a spirit of _woe_:
The spirit _above_ is a spirit _divine_;
The spirit _below_ is a spirit of _wine_.

THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH.

Two musical parties to Bladud belong,
To delight the _old rooms_ and the _upper_:
One gives to the ladies a _supper_, no _song_;
The other a _song_ and no _supper_.

ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER.

Though nature thee of thy _right_ hand bereft,
_Right_ well thou _writest_ with the hand that's _left_.

PRINTER'S KISS.

Print on my lips another kiss,
The picture of thy glowing passion--
Nay, this wont do--nor this--nor this--
But now--Ay, that's a _proof impression_.

TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER.

Though much you're scar'd by _Mars_ in _arms_,
At _fighting_ much _dejected_;
Yet _Venus_, with her _naked_ charms,
Has seen you--More-affected.

THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN.
_From the French._

Woman is
In infancy a tender flower,
Cultivate her;
A floating bark in girlhood's hour,
Softly freight her.
A fruitful vine when grown a lass,
Prune and please her;
Old, she's a heavy charge, alas!
Support and ease her.

THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER.
_On a Lady far advanced in years, who was a great
Card-player, having married her Gardener._

_Trumps_ ever rul'd the charming maid,
Sure all the world must pardon her;
The destinies turned up a _spade_;
She married John the _gardener_.

THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE.
_The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia._

The _Lamb_, the lawyer's _innocence_ declares;
The _Horse_, their _expedition_ in affairs;
Hail, happy men! such _emblems_ well describe
The _specious cunning_ of your _legal tribe_:
For say what _client_ can expect a _loss_
From _Lamb_-like lawyers, _fleeter_ than a _Horse_?
No more let _Chancery's ills_ be _endless_ counted,
Since on the _Pegasus_ of _Law_ ye're mounted.
And ye, _poor suitors_! mark your _simple fate_--
The _shorn lambs_ ye--that crowd the _Temple gate_.

ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON.

"Some _demon_, sure," says wond'ring Ned,
"In Newton's brain has fix'd his station!"
"True," Dick replies, "you've rightly said,
I know his name,--'tis _demon-stration_."

TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES.

Ladies! the _stags_ (as wise men say)
Change _horns_ but _once_ a-year:
Whereas _your_ stags change _ev'ry day_,
As plainly does appear.

ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH.

Some men _brush_ on, and some _brush_ off,
And some _brush_ out of sight!
While _Grieves's[25] brush_ makes thousands _rush_
To see it every night.

[25] The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have been for a series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery produced at Covent Garden Theatre.

ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLES.

If on this pedestal we see
Our great _Achilles_ and Protector,
Why then the inference must be,
He whom he vanquished was a _Hector_.

EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V.

_On reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking
vinegar to reduce her shape._

Against Fodor's existence, it may truly be said,
That custom has raised an unnatural strife;
For if she gets _fat_--she loses her _bread_;
And if she gets _thin_--she loses her _life_.

_On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on the first night of
the appearance of Miss Dance._

Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first,
But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant trance,
And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is just,
Where _Melpomene's_ self comes to welcome the _Dance_.

_On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by
Miss Tree._

Where's Ariel? that is, where is _Tree_?
Whose voice and form so truly suit in't;
Surely the public must agree,
The Manager has put his _Foot_ in't.

_On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next
throwing out a Toll for passing Blackfriars Bridge._

England's friendly to all, let folks say what they will,
From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover;
Her _Commons_ first passed the Catholic Bill,
And the very next day vote for the _Pass over_.

_On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the "Fury" Discovery
Ship early in Passion Week._

Parry's _rage_ for discovery exceeds all, no doubt,
For both captain and crew in a _Fury_ set out;
But still some excuse will appear for this freak,
When we learn the affair took place in _Passion_ week.

_On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare was lame._

That Shakspeare was _lame_, from his sonnets you'd gain,
But _halt_ ere such men with _weakness_ you're branding;
An abler _hand_ never guided a pen,
And his works plainly show he'd a strong _understanding_.

ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE;

_The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and not as heretofore
George IV. with a laurel wreath._

Pistrucci, in thine art divine,
Thou never wast more clever;
Long may the _laurel_ mark our Sovereign's line,
But may the _I.V._ never!

IMPROMPTU

_On Captain Fitz-Clarence's life being preserved by the interposition of
Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato Street._

When war destruction on the soldier deals,
Some seek from death a refuge in their heels;
E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife,
We find indebted to his _Legge_ for life!

MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT.

Jack from his box surveys the house around,
Views in the pit a friend with glass erect,
Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound
First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct.

"How now," cries Will! (whilst all around him heard),
"Cut an old friend! why, Jack, what are you after?
Oh, oh, the coat! 'pon honor that's absurd;
Charles is so droll, I've _cracked my sides with laughter_."

TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL.

That U follows Q
Is not always true;
When your pigtail I view,
Then _queue_ follows _you_.

ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING
THE LATE RAINS.

When British flags triumphant scour'd the main,
Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain;
But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags.
Oh that the main would scour the British flags!

TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."

If wit and elegance combined,
With harmless satire glowing,
Can gain applause, or charm the mind,
It is to your _Pen-owing_.

ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART.

When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose;
With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows;
His (Boxer) _Bochsa beats time_, who's forced to impart
Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's _Smart_.

A SNEER ANSWERED.

"Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill,
"Give me a _bon mot_ if you will."
"A what? a _bon mot_! how absurd!
Whoever gave you a _good word_."

A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG.

Here _lies_, who living never _lied_,
A friend sincere, of courage tried;
No slave to wealth, to vice unknown,
Though oft reduced to _pick_ a _bone_.
_Patch'd_ was his _coat_, both _red_ and _white_,
And _shaggy_ too his outward plight;
Yet grateful still his master serv'd,
And from allegiance never swerv'd.
A sportsman true, who at a word
Would _point_, and oft bring down his bird:
Or _fetch_, or _carry_, _hunt_, or _find_,
Whate'er was of the feather'd kind.
"By no disease--no blast he fell,
"But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well,
"Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time,
"As clock that can no longer chime:"
Here Carlo stopp'd--for want of breath,
Outrun at last by Nimrod death.
Bernard Blackmantle.

THE

PUNSTER'S COURT;

OR,

THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN.

VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT.

_For Illustration, see Vignette to Title._

Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages,
Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages,
Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek,
That _Puns_ were esteem'd both by _Hebrew_ and _Greek_:
Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun,
And their merriment owed to the mirth-making _Pun_.
There's Buxtorf, a learned _Chaldean_, hath told,
That Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus, of old,
Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city,
To propagate _punning_ and make the folks witty:
And so well did the priests with the people succeed,
That their _Puns_ were collected, and thus 'twas decreed;
"In a temple devoted to _punning_ and wit,
"In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ;
"'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'"--
Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole.
Here Janus contended with Pan for the throne,
When his _double-faced_ godship unrivalled shone;
For no matter how wittily Pan _punn'd_ away,
Janus turn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay,"
Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder,
Decided for Janus's double _entendre_.

Bernard Blackmantle.

PUNS

FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;

OR,

_JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR._

"Touch but his _gunpowder wit_ with a merry _fire_, and
you shall instantly hear a good _report_."

"A punster's wit, what is it like?"
"The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;"
"Or gunpowder," says merry Mike,
"Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."

PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON.

Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in to _size_, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his visitors, said

"If I bate you an _ace_,
_Deuce_ take me;
for it would be-_tray_ a weakness
in a man who could not _cater_ for himself.
Therefore _sink_ me
if you do _size_."

A NEGATIVE PUN.

"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large _landed_ property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is _groundless_."

A PUN.--THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER.

In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage:--_Tu es_ Petrus, _et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam_. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of--_Tu es_ Pierre, _et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise_!!!

A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN.

An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word "man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. "Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest _tambour-worker_ I ever met with."

A BACKSLIDER'S PUN.

A gentleman asked another if he would have a _skait_ on the Serpentine;--"Most certainly; but I can't trust to my _soles_ and _heels_: besides, I should lose my character."--"Lose your character!"--"Aye, I should become a _back-slider_."--"Oh," answered his friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on _fundamental_ principles."

AN HERALDIC PUN.

A gentleman employing a porter whose name was _Russel_, asked him jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's?" "Our _arms_ (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our _coats_."

A CANONICAL PUN.

A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he said--"So, Canon H---- is dead!"--"Indeed!" replied the other, "I was not aware that _cannons_ went _off_ in that way."--"Yes, they do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the _report_!"

AN APOTHECARY'S PUN.

"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband--"_Expect to ate_, yer honour--no sure, and Paddy does _not_ expect to ate--he's nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of _mixture_ from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.

A BITTER PUN.

An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a _bitter cold day_."

A SMUGGLER'S PUN.

When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many _Alexanders_. "Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like _Seizers_," (Cæsars.)

COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN.

Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing _a spot of grease_ on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a _Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that's _far-fetched_."--"No, indeed," says the punster, "I made it _on the spot_."

A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN.

A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says the _Skullist_, "What we cannot get into their noddles, we get _out_ of them."--"Yes," says the physiognomist, "God help the heads _saddled_ with such a theory! for whilst one _galls_, t'other _spurs 'em_."

A CITY PUN.

A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his _day-book's_ closed, and he's _posted_, I suppose, to his _long account_."--"By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was engaged in _book-keeping_ all his life!"

A PHYSICAL PUN.

A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician--"Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?" "Who! why Sir _Ever-hard-Home_."

A COLLEGE PUN.

A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, for the best "_Carmen_" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better _carmen_ in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been "keeping it up" for the last fortnight.

A LADY'S PUN.

A very agreeable lady of the name of _Riggs_, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not more of the _male_ creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being well _manned_, I am sure we are well _rigged_."

A COBBLER'S PUN.

A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) it's been _healed_ lately."

A JUDICIAL PUN.

One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no _hog_ can become _bacon_ till he is _hanged_, and then I'll allow your claim."

A BACCHANALIAN PUN.

A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I have been _spinning_ out the evening with my neighbour Freeport."--"And now (replied the other), you are _reeling_ it home."

A GERMAN PUN.

A young man of the name of Cæsar having married a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "_Cave, Cæsar, ne tua Roma fiat respublica_."

A WHISTLING PUN.

A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, "_Through the wood, laddie_."

A MANAGER'S PUN.

A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager) I fear it is owing to the _piece_."

THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN.

A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French measures_ here."

A CLERICAL PUN.

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "_He was clothed with curses as with a garment_."--"My good friend (said the minister), it means that he had _got a habit of swearing_."

A SELFISH PUN.

A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and _selfish_. "And why (said he), would you not have me _sell-fish_?"

A GAMBLING PUN.

At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself _vis-à-vis_ at a table _d'écarté_, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. de S. to whom the circumstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he had to _deal_ with!"

A STAYMAKER'S PUN.

A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have _stayed the stomachs_ of thousands!"

CLERICAL PUNS.

At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister, as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, "_Adam_, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon these words, "_Lo!_ here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him the appointment.

HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE.

Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red with vexation as a _Turkey Cock_." The other, thinking to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to say Mr. Tooke had quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, "he was a _Turkey Merchant_, (i. e. a _Poulterer_.)"

A JOE MUNDEN.

It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for _Byam-House_, Munden exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to _buy-a-mouse_! What the devil will the woman do next?"

PARISIAN PUNS.

1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of Paris made this pun--"_Il donnoit Sedan_ (ses dents) _pour sauver sa tête_."

2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to display her figure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, "_O le vilain Pie-de-stal!_"

3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to the Ottoman _Porte_, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of Paris to observe, that he was still "_ambassadeur à la Porte_."

COMMERCIAL PUNS.
FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "_English Spy_."

"I don't see the _bee's wing_ in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are _bouncing_ about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No, sir," said the humourist, "it is not to _be_ seen until you are a _deal_ higher in _spirits_; the _film_ of the _wing_ is seldom discernible in such _mahogany_-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like _rose-wood_ at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as _red_ as _logwood_, or as _black_ as _ebony_, if you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. "There is no being _cross-grained_ with you," said the timber-merchant. "Not unless you _cut_ me," retorted Blackstrap, "and you are not _sap_ enough for that." "Gentlemen," continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, I shall think we have not met with our _dessert_; and although there be some among us whose _principals_ are worth a _plum_, there are very few of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my _reasons_."

A COCKNEY'S PUN.

A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of _h_air; "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's shop_."

AN IRISH PUN.
_The two Taymen._

About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than _patriots_; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour the meaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she, "By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are the _Two Taymen_."

A SPORTING PUN.
_Managing the Pack._

A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of _dealer_ at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he still _managed the pack_."

"BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS.

"In the city, while _Currie_ was _Raiking_ together his cash, Sir _John Lubbock Fostered_ his _Clarkes_; Sir _William Kay_ knew his _Price_; _Rogers_ felt _Toogood_ to smash; one house in Fleet-street _Praed_ to get through it; and while another chuckled like a _Child_, the _Goslings_ were looking _Sharp_ after their concerns--poor _Hodsoll_," added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his _Stirling capital_; but _Stevenson_ knew _his_ partner was worth his _Salt_; _Dorien_, _Magens_, and _Dorien_, got _Mello_ with rejoicing, and _Jansen_ was never near being 'done _Brown_;' _Paxton_ and _Cockerell_, according to culinary custom, sent their _Trail_ to take care of the _long-bills_; and though _Fry_ might have been in a _Stew_ for a time, he (like the _Smiths_ of Mansion House-street) soon had his _Payne_ removed.

"At the west end of the town, though _Scott Claude_ up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay again; _Kinnaird_ said he could _Ransom_ his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall declared they had _More-land_ than would settle the claims of all their creditors; and although _Marten_ expected a _Call_ on _Arnold_, they were equally steady with the house of _Cocks_ (part-_Ridges_) at Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every body knows, said the wag, that _Green-wood_ never breaks, and as for _Thomas's_ in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, all was _Wright_."

A HARROW PUN.

Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of _healing the breech_.

A SOLDIER'S PUN.

The peculiar new mode of _drilling_ the soldiers in St. James's Park, ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed _quadrilling_.

A PROFESSIONAL PUN.

Speaking of professions, there must be somebody _in every way_. "Ay," replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks in _one another's way_."

A MUSICAL PUN.

To make a competent double bass player, it requires a _head-piece_, while a _wind_ instrument performer wants only a _mouth-piece_ (_i. e._ a reed).

A BREAD AND MEAT PUN.

A needy adventurer coming to London, who was _very thin_, observed to S. Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a _little bread_ among the musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can _pick up a little flesh_ at the same time, it will not be amiss."

A PUN UPON MY HONOR!

A person who was addicted to "pledge his _honor_" upon all occasions, observed, on looking through the window, "It _rains, upon my honor_." "Yes," said Taylor, "_and it will rain upon_ MY honor if I go out."

CLASSICAL PUN.

"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to pay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it is _An-acre-on-tick_."

A WARM PUN.

"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are _well warmed_ with _wine_." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good sir, that I am to be _well-roasted_."

THE EXCISE-OFFICE _v._ THE STAMP-OFFICE.

Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout of time. Shaw, the leader, began to _stamp_ violently, and said, "Why don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the _Excise Office_: you seem to be a member of the _Stamp_ Office yourself."

HARPING UPON A FIGURE.

A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the _cutting_ of it. Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would endeavour to _cut a figure_ myself."

A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P.

"To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a man must have the ribs of a _rhinoceros_; to obtain a _good place_ in the body of the house, the qualities of a _camelion_; to secure a seat on the _treasury_ bench, he must not fear to _tread-a-wry_. _Opposition_ he must write thus--'_oppo_'-site--_position_; _ministerial, men-who-steer-well_. _Private bills_ he may quote as examples of _private punishment_; the _speaker's_ dinners, a _speechless_ banquet, where every guest leaves _politics_ for _polite-tricks_. To speak _well_ and _long_, you must display _artificial_ feelings, have _leathern_ lungs, a face of _brass_, an _elephant's_ sagacity, and a _lion's_ courage; and, with all these qualifications, you may _perchance_ be considered _bear_able; without them you are certain to come in for a _scrape_[26]."

[26] Alluding to the practice of the members _scraping_ their feet upon the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome.

A PUNSTER'S APHORISMS.

If you mean to be a _domestic_ animal, never marry a woman of a _wild_ disposition. An _ugly helpmate_, though she may have the wealth of _Plutus_, and the _virtues_ of an _angel_, can never be considered as a _lovely wife_. If you would live happily, always _whistle_ when your wife _whines_ or _scolds_. If she should grow _furious_, take yourself into the _cool air_, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes himself to a _storm_ is sure to get _pelted_. Never offend the ears of a modest woman by a coarse or indelicate expression: the _fairest mirror_ is stained by a _passing breath_. Never marry a woman for _money_, lest, obtaining the _honey_, you are stung by the _queen bee_. Never lose an opportunity for making a _good pun_, when you can do it consistent with _good nature_, and without endangering the esteem of _good friends_. A _pun_, to pass _current_, should bear the _stamp_ of _wit_, and be _struck_ off in the _mint_ of _originality_. A _genuine bad pun_ is not always a _bad joke_. _Late_ hours make _lazy_ servants, a _loquacious_ wife, and end in making a _long_ purse _light_, a _long_ illness _heavy_, and _long life_ very uncertain.

Bernard Blackmantle.

TARTANI'S DREAM--A TAIL PIECE.

Blackmantle's labours here, are done,
Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel;
Approve each epigram and pun,
And Bernard proves a merry devil.

A

PUNNING ESSAY

ON THE

ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE,

BY

THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK[27];'

_Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts, discovered
at St. Patrick's Abbey._

A FRAGMENT.

[27] This highly celebrated little book, it will by some be remembered, was written to ridicule Sir John Carr's 'Stranger in Ireland;' and a more happy, witty, original, and pleasant satire, is not to be found in the English language. The book is now _out of print_, and only to be met with in the libraries of the curious. Had I any reason to suppose that the author (Mr. Dubois), would have republished his work, much as I should have had to regret the loss of these articles here, I certainly would not have taken them to do injury to their own witty and original parent.

We observe in Homer's _Batrachomyomachia_, that the instant the frog Calaminthius sees the mouse _Pternoglyphus_, he is so frightened that he abandons his shield and jumps into the lake: and this confirms our etymology of the mouse's name, _Turn ugly face_.

In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse called _Lichenor_, which some, who, like certain commentators on Shakspeare, will always be running to the Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying _one addicted to licking_, but here we see the imbecility of foreign resources, and the great strength of our own. Their explanation is certainly something near the mark, but for a mouse, how much more germain to the matter is ours--_Lick and gnaw_? It is true, that I may have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, but even granting them the full latitude of understanding by their words, as applied to our military mouse, that he was _one addicted to licking or conquering_, yet is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in our exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that _Lichenor_ was not so much "addicted to licking" as to being licked, witness the frog Hypsiboas's running him through the body with a rush. See I. 202.

At v. 244, we have the mouse _Sitophagus_, who like many a soldier of modern times had recourse to his heels and betook himself to a snug dry ditch--ηλατο δ'ες ταφον. I had always some suspicion that this name was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the foregoing circumstance has, fortunately for the literary world, furnished me with a conjecture that seems to place the etymology of this coward's title beyond all doubt:--_Set off again_--his invariable custom on these occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied the _art militaire_ in Hudibras, where he learnt that

----_Timely running's no mean part
Of conduct in the martial art._

_Sitophagus_, from _Set off again_, is perfectly within the canon of _parcè detorta_, which it may not be amiss here to repeat:

"New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the English[28] spring, with a sparing distortion."

[28] Anglo _fonte cadent, parcè detorta_.

So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage, correcting the corruption (_Græco_ fonte) which has so long obtained, to the injury of truth and good letters.

I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they are _all derived from one source_. Such, however, as occur to me elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring the light of truth.

_Pallas._ This word should be written thus _'Pallas_, with an apostrophe, as in the instance of _'fore_ for _afore_. Its origin then clearly appears. The goddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's head on her shield, that had the power of killing or turning into stone, which was indeed enough to _Appal us_.

In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled _Stafford's Niobe_, I find something like an attempt to prove that the goddess of wisdom acquired the name of _Pallas_ from the _Paleness_ she occasions in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymological bearing, will, from their date, at once deprive me of all credit for originality in this department of philology. The learned reader is left to decide on this nice point.

_Venus_, from _wean us_, as it is even now elegantly pronounced by many. As the heavenly Venus had that power with the Gods, so has each earthly one with us, namely, to _wean us_ from all other earthly things, and hence the undoubted derivation.

Ἡγεμων, or _Egemon_, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, viz. to _egg 'em on_. It will be observed, that I have sunk the aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "_Hi ham_" for I am.

_Macrones_, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose, though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is clearly an abbreviated pronunciation of _Macaronies_.

_Celsus._ This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians, which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said, he _sells us_, and from that moment he bore his present name.

_L. Mummius_, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen of _mummius_, or _mummy us_, from being sent against the Achæans, whom he beat most unmercifully.

_Boreas._ This wind was long without a name, until the people feeling its northern blasts exceedingly troublesome, would be continually crying, "how they _bore us_!" which in time gave rise to the word _boreas_, or as it was originally pronounced _bore us_. Here we presently come at the etymology of the verb _to bore_, which has hitherto baffled all research and made futile every conjecture. It cannot be questioned that the Persian _Boreus_, and _Borus_ the son of Perieres, had their names from some such obnoxious qualities as are attributed to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess what they were, and are by no means willing to venture an hypothesis that may lead to indecency. It is worthy of remark, as an astonishing fact, that these gentlemen are mentioned by Polyænus and Apollodorus, but without a word in the _Stratagems_ of the one, or in the _Bibliotheca_ of the other, that throws any light on the matter.

_Philostratus._ A famous sophist, and very liberal and expensive in his entertainments, from which circumstance his friends very properly gave him the cognomen of _fill us, treat us_. The penultimate of Philostratus is short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly excusable in these cases, and coming assuredly under the description of _parcè detorta_.

_Mannus._ It is imagined that this divinity obtained his name from having once undertaken to furnish some _fleet with men_; but from being a German God, and for other reasons, I confess that I have no great faith in this etymology.

_Æsymnus._ This anxious politician's consulting Apollo, according to Pausanias, on the subject of legislation, made the witlings of his time call the God his nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim _ease him nurse_, which speaks for itself.

_Bacchus_, or _Back us_; and admirably so called, because he is found to be the second best in the world, inspiring courage even in a coward.

_Confucius._ About the etymology of the title of this famous Chinese philosopher, we are much in the dark; but it seems in the greatest degree probable that he obtained it from being a philosopher of the modern description, who put every thing into _confusion_.

_Damon._ This poet received his name from a circumstance that attended his banishment from Athens. When the sentence was brought to him, he began d--ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the officer, a rough fellow, said, "Oh, you may _Damn on_ as long as you like, it does not signify, you must go." And go he did, but still swearing; and the people, who are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's observations repeated, nicknamed him _Damon_, or as it was formerly written and spoken, _Dammon_.

_Alala._ The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. Athen. So called because the moment she took the field on any side, that side had the battle _all hollow_.

_Æsacus._ He persecuted a nymph so much who did not like him, that she at last plunged into the sea, and was metamorphosed into a parrot, and in that state still continued to exclaim, as she was wont, _he's a curse_, which soon became the lover's appellation.

_Titans._ A title given to the sons of Cœlus and Terra, by Saturn, when they warred against him. They were at first known as Hyperion, Briareus, &c.; but when the god heard that they were about to fight with him, he smiled, and cried, "Ay, ay,--ecod they're _tight 'uns_!" and this name has distinguished them ever since.

The above word reminds me of an eastern one--ןודבא or _Abaddon_, which will as indubitably as a thousand instances of _the like nature_, prove the superior antiquity of the English language over that of the Jews, as well as that of the Greeks, and it is very probable, _in an equal degree_, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon is a name belonging to the devil, and _the most ignorant_ will not scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its expressive etymology in _A bad 'un_.

In fine--sunt certi denique _fines_--There have been writers who have scarcely left Troy or its famous war "a local habitation and a name;" others go still further, and say that no such man as Homer, the author of the Iliad, ever existed; and a third party, proceeding another step, talk of proving incontestibly that there _never were any ancients_. But one wise man (with whom I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, that those who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of the world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who live in this enlightened age, with all the wisdom of past times at our command, are, truly speaking, the just and legitimate ancients. This, being _reasonably_ substantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm the opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native tongue, and I cannot conclude without indulging the irresistible impulse I feel to acknowledge, that I have no more doubt than I have with respect to _any thing yet stated_, that it will ultimately prove to be the _universal language_.

EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER,

BEING

RULES FOR PUNNING,

OR

PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS.

A FRAGMENT.

"Comitantibus armis,
PUN_ica_ se--attollet _gloria_." _Virg. Æn._ iv.

Prefatory remarks on the art of punning--its antiquity from Homer's _outis_, through Sophocles, Cicero, &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its advantages over wit. Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it--a lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. Puns, on the contrary, require no wit to make them, nor any to understand them. Prove this by their well-known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, &c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruction of three-quarters of what are called the _wits_ of our times, and fifteen-sixteenths of the dramatic writers.

Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, a man might as well go into a gambling house without knowing how to play, as into company without knowing how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what Ovid desired to have said of him, in respect to love, be said of me, with regard to punning--"_Magister erat._"

In the _rules_ divide thus--puns for every day, in one week, in winter, spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, in these different seasons, for men, and puns for women, varied according to the class of life, and the rank held in the particular establishment, &c. &c.

MASTER OF A FAMILY.
_First day--Sketch to be filled up._

_Sunday._--This is a day of rest for all things but women's tongues and puns--they have none. You go to church, of course, to set a good example to your family, but let _them_ attend to the parson, you may be preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a party.

The man of the house is nothing without his wife. It is becoming that she should assist you--she is your _help-mate_. Connive together, and let her put _leading questions_. Half an hour before dinner--company come. All very stupid as usual. Mrs. ---- observes, that she fears that the dinner will be rather late, as she was obliged to take _Adam_, the footman, to the park, on account of the children. The husband immediately remarks, that Adam may be _the first_ of men, but he is _a damn_ slow fellow.

_Mrs. ----._ My dear _Tom_, you deserve a _Cane_ for that.

_Mr. ----._ Ay, if you were _Able_ to give it to me, who am a _host_ to-day. Perhaps you were on the _Eve_ of saying this; well, there's as much chance in these things as in a _Pair o' dice_.

(_A general laugh._)

Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I don't know that any thing more can be made of it.

N.B. Hire no man unless his name is _Adam_, or he will suffer you to call him so.

Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter, _Lucy_, because, if you are a _profound_ scholar, you can frequently bring in "_luce_ clarior." Your other girl, _Sally_, ran away with an apothecary. Mrs. ---- will say this, and you'll exclaim, "Ah, Sal _volatile_!"

Invite a poor French priest[29] to your table at these times. He is always to ask, when your children appear, "_Est ce qu'ils sont tous par la même mère?_"

[29] The word _Emigré_, which appears in this article as before printed, would at once destroy the _unquestionable_ right Swift has to the honour of this MS. for _Emigré_ did not obtain in our language till long after his death.

When you are to reply--"Yes, I believe they are all by the same _mare_, but I won't answer for the horse[30]."

[30] This has been given to Foote; but dates decide.

This is not very complimentary to your wife; but it would be a pretty joke indeed, if a good pun was to be lost for such a trifling consideration.

If you consult decency too much, there's an end of wit. He who digs for diamonds must not be over squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs. ---- may say, "My dear _Tom_, I wish the man would bring up the dinner."

Mr. ----. "_Bring up_ the dinner, my love? Heaven forbid! As Dido says, that's '_sic sic_,' so so[31]."

[31] Æn. iv. 660.

You must not be too nice, as I observed before.

(_Mrs. ---- rings the bell._)

_Enter Servant._

_Mrs. ----._ Is dinner ready?

_Mr._ (_Looking round._)--The _chops_ are, I'm sure.

_Adam._ It is dishing now, ma'am.

(_A crash heard as if an accident._)

_Mr. ----._ _Dishing_ indeed--I fear it's _dished_.

_Dinner--all seated._

_Mrs. ----._ Will any body take soup?

_Mr. ----._ What, before grace, you _grace_less rogues. There's no parson here, I see; though we are not without some of _the cloth_. Well, I'll say it--grace at dinner is _meet_.

[A universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder of good-humour.]

Take care to have the salt-cellars put on the table empty.

_Mr. ----._ Why what the devil's this--no salt!

_Mrs. ----._ (As planned.)--You have _salt_ enough, I'm sure, my dear.

_Mr. ----._ "Ego _pun_ior ipse," Ovid. Very well, very well! my wife is not a_miss_: but the salt, Adam.

_Adam._ Sir, the house-keeper's gone out, and I don't know where to get any.

_Mr. ----._ Why an't here four _salt_ sellers?

[The Frenchman does not understand this, but he is to laugh heartily
nevertheless.]

_Mrs. ----._ Here, Adam; take this key, and you'll find some in the store-room, at the top of the house.

_Mr. ----._ _Attic salt_, eh! ha, ha, ha! Well, come let's fall to; this meat will _keep_ no longer without salt.

_Mrs. ----._ My dear _Tom_, that rich dish will only give you the gout.

_Mr. ----._ Pooh! "Chacun à son _gout_." Why should not I eat it, as well as another?

_Mrs. ----._ Bless me, how you mangle that duck.

_Mr. ----._ _Mangle_ it, my love. Well, I think that's better than to _wash and iron_ it; but tell me how you'll have it done, and you shall find me _duc_tile.

[Many opportunities will offer of making _obscene puns_, but I give no rules for these; they come naturally to every punster! All I shall say is, that they must _never_ be neglected.]

Let your cook be famous for pancakes. One of your little boys must inquire for some.

_Mr. ----._ My dear, this is Sunday; you know we can't have pancakes till _Fri_-day.

[Many more puns must be introduced. _Champaign_, _real pain_; _after
all_ cheese is best, &c.]

The company will, probably, add some, and you may, also, by accident; however, you'll have this advantage over your friends, that you'll be certain of all these while you're with your wife, and at home. Your acquaintance, of course, have _names_, and if they have no other merit, it's very hard if you can't make something of them in the pun way. Any blockhead can do that.

DESSERT.

_Mr. ----._ "Give every man his _deserts_." Shakspeare.

_Mrs. ----._ My love, shall I send you a peach?

_Mr. ----._ Yes, and if it isn't a good one, I'll im_peach_ your judgment.

By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer you a pinch of Maccuba snuff, saying he's sorry it is not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost its flavour. You then reply--Ay, I see it's one of the _has_-beens.

_Mrs. ----._ Oh! that's too bad.

_Mr. ----._ Why, it's wit at a _pinch_, at any rate; therefore it need not _make you baw--l_, as if I had got into the wrong _box_.--(_Turning to the boys._)--What's Latin for goose, eh!

_Boys._ Brandy, papa!

_Mrs. ----._ You'll kill yourself with that vile liquor.

_Mr. ----._ How can that be--Isn't it eau de _vie_?

_Mrs. ----_, at some time, must call for the nutmeg grater.--You take it, and address your neighbour: Sir, you are a great man, but here is a _grater_.

The sweetmeats will be praised of course.

_Mr. ----._ All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you; but I'm more _not able_ than she is, an't I, my dear?

_Ladies all rise._

_Mrs. ----._ (_Blushing._)--I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the bell.

_Mr. ----._ (_Chucking a young lady under the chin._)--Yes, my love, I'll touch the _belle_.

_Mrs. ----._ (_Going._)--You wag!

_Mr. ----._ No, I think you _wag_, but--(_bowing_)--I _bow_ to you.

The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have recourse to their _mother tongue_, and the most ignorant will shine the most. The master must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make himself agreeable, and the conversation general[32].

[32] Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies' retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary, _Swift_ could not help indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of the authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a query in a memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the puns for a _farmer_. Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him--Pray send _me men to mow rye_? and he is to return a skull. _Memento mori_--Don't you see? But query--will _mowing_ rye do for any but _our Irish farmers_?

THE TEA TABLE.

_Mr. ----._ (_Entering after all the rest._)--Ah! Mrs.----, what I see you are _at home_ to a t to-night.

_Boys._ Pa, we have had no tea.

_Mr. ----._ "Sine _te_ juventas." That's wrong. It is _right_ that you should not be _left_ out.

_Mrs. ----_ purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of which she complains.

_Mr. ----._ (_Handing the sugar basin._)--Well, ma'am, if you do not like it, you may _lump_ it.

[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first attempt.]

_Mrs. ----._ (_As planned._)--That comes of playing at sight.

_Mr. ----._ At _sight_! Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut her eyes?