Chapter III: Act II: Scene I

_Goldsmiths' Row._

TOUCHSTONE, QUICKSILVER, GOLDING, _and_ MILDRED, _sitting on either
side of the stall_.

_To._ Quicksilver, Master Francis Quicksilver, Master
Quicksilver!

_Enter_ QUICKSILVER.

_Qu._ Here, sir (ump).

_To._ So, sir; nothing but flat Master Quicksilver
(without any familiar addition) will fetch you; will you
truss my points, sir?

_Qu._ Ay, forsooth (ump).

_To._ How now, sir? the drunken hiccup so soon this
morning?

_Qu._ 'Tis but the coldness of my stomach, forsooth. 10

_To._ What? have you the cause natural for it? y'are
a very learned drunkard: I believe I shall miss some of
my silver spoons with your learning. The nuptial night
will not moisten your throat sufficiently, but the morning
likewise must rain her dews into your gluttonous
weasand.

_Qu._ An't please you, sir, we did but drink (ump) to
the coming off of the knightly bridegroom.

_To._ To the coming off an' him? 19

_Qu._ Ay, forsooth, we drunk to his coming on (ump)
when we went to bed; and now we are up, we must
drink to his coming off: for that's the chief honour of a
soldier, sir; and therefore we must drink so much the
more to it, forsooth (ump).

_To._ A very capital reason! So that you go to bed
late, and rise early to commit drunkenness; you fulfil
the scripture very sufficient wickedly, forsooth.

_Qu._ The knight's men, forsooth, be still o' their knees
at it (ump), and because 'tis for your credit, sir, I would
be loth to flinch. 30

_To._ I pray, sir, e'en to 'hem again then; y'are one
of the separated crew, one of my wife's faction, and my
young lady's, with whom, and with their great match, I
will have nothing to do.

_Qu._ So, sir, now I will go keep my (ump) credit with
'hem, an't please you, sir.

_To._ In any case, sir, lay one cup of sack more o' your
cold stomach, I beseech you. 38

_Qu._ Yes, forsooth.

[_Exit_ QUICKSILVER.

_To._ This is for my credit! servants ever maintain
drunkenness in their master's house for their master's
credit; a good idle serving-man's reason. I thank time
the night is past; I ne'er waked to such cost; I think
we have stowed more sorts of flesh in our bellies than
ever Noah's ark received; and for wine, why my house
turns giddy with it, and more noise in it than at a
conduit. Ay me! even beasts condemn our gluttony.
Well, 'tis our city's fault, which, because we commit
seldom, we commit the more sinfully; we lose no time
in our sensuality, but we make amends for it. O that
we would do so in virtue, and religious negligences!
But see here are all the sober parcels my house can
show; I'll eavesdrop, hear what thoughts they utter
this morning. 54

_Enter_ GOLDING _and_ MILDRED.

_Go._ But is it possible that you, seeing your sister
preferred to the bed of a knight, should contain your
affections in the arms of a prentice?

_Mi._ I had rather make up the garment of my affections
in some of the same piece, than, like a fool, wear gowns
of two colours, or mix sackcloth with satin.

_Go._ And do the costly garments--the title and fame
of a lady, the fashion, observation, and reverence proper
to such preferment--no more inflame you than such
convenience as my poor means and industry can offer
to your virtues? 65

_Mi._ I have observed that the bridle given to those
violent flatteries of fortune is seldom recovered; they
bear one headlong in desire from one novelty to another,
and where those ranging appetites reign, there is ever
more passion than reason: no stay, and so no happiness.
These hasty advancements are not natural. Nature
hath given us legs to go to our objects; not wings to fly
to them. 73

_Go._ How dear an object you are to my desires I
cannot express; whose fruition would my master's
absolute consent and yours vouchsafe me, I should be
absolutely happy. And though it were a grace so far
beyond my merit, that I should blush with unworthiness
to receive it, yet thus far both my love and my means
shall assure your requital: you shall want nothing fit for
your birth and education; what increase of wealth and
advancement the honest and orderly industry and skill
of our trade will afford in any, I doubt not will be
aspired by me; I will ever make your contentment the
end of my endeavours; I will love you above all; and
only your grief shall be my misery, and your delight my
felicity. 87

_To._ Work upon that now. By my hopes, he wooes
honestly and orderly; he shall be anchor of my hopes!
Look, see the ill-yoked monster, his fellow!

_Enter_ QUICKSILVER _unlaced, a towel about his neck, in
his flat-cap, drunk_.

_Qu._ Eastward-ho! _Holla, ye pampered jades of
Asia!_[31]

_To._ Drunk now downright, o' my fidelity!

_Qu._ (Ump).[32] Pull eo, pullo! showse, quoth the
caliver. 95

_Go._ Fie, fellow Quicksilver, what a pickle are you in!

_Qu._ Pickle? pickle in thy throat; zounds, pickle!
Wa, ha, ho! good-morrow, knight Petronel: morrow,
lady goldsmith; come off, knight, with a counterbuff,
for the honour of knighthood.

_Go._ Why, how now, sir? do ye know where you
are? 102

_Qu._ Where I am? why, 'sblood! you jolthead, where
I am!

_Go._ Go to, go to, for shame; go to bed and sleep out
this immodesty: thou shamest both my master and his
house.

_Qu._ Shame? what shame? I thought thou wouldst
show thy bringing-up; and thou wert a gentleman as I
am, thou wouldst think it no shame to be drunk. Lend
me some money, save my credit; I must dine with the
serving-men and their wives--and their wives, sirrah! 112

_Go._ E'en who you will; I'll not lend thee threepence.

_Qu._ 'Sfoot; lend me some money; _hast thou not
Hiren here?_[33]

_To._ Why, how now, sirrah? what vein's this, ha?

_Qu._ _Who cries on murther? Lady, was it you?_[34] how
does our master? pray thee cry Eastward-ho!

_To._ Sirrah, sirrah, y'are past your hiccup now; I see
y'are drunk. 121

_Qu._ 'Tis for your credit, master.

_To._ And hear you keep a whore in town.

_Qu._ 'Tis for your credit, master.

_To._ And what you are out in cash, I know.

_Qu._ So do I; my father's a gentleman. Work upon
that now. Eastward-ho!

_To._ Sir, Eastward-ho will make you go Westward-ho:[35]
I will no longer dishonest my house, nor endanger my
stock, with your licence. There, sir, there's your indenture;
all your apparel (that I must know) is on your
back, and from this time my door is shut to you: from
me be free; but for other freedom, and the moneys you
have wasted, Eastward-ho shall not serve you. 134

_Qu._ Am I free o' my fetters? Rent, fly with a duck
in thy mouth, and now I tell thee, Touchstone----

_To._ Good sir----

_Qu._ _When_[36] _this eternal substance of my soul_--

_To._ Well said; change your gold-ends[37] for your
play-ends. 140

_Qu._ _Did live imprison'd in my wanton flesh_--

_To._ What then, sir?

_Qu._ _I was a courtier in the Spanish Court, and Don
Andrea was my name._

_To._ Good master Don Andrea, will you march?

_Qu._ Sweet Touchstone, will you lend me two shillings?

_To._ Not a penny.

_Qu._ Not a penny? I have friends, and I have
acquaintance; I will piss at thy shop-posts, and throw
rotten eggs at thy sign. Work upon that now. 150

[_Exit staggering._

_To._ Now, sirrah, you! hear you? you shall serve me
no more neither--not an hour longer.

_Go._ What mean you, sir?

_To._ I mean to give thee thy freedom, and with thy
freedom my daughter, and with my daughter a father's
love. And with all these such a portion as shall make
Knight Petronel himself envy thee! Y'are both agreed,
are ye not?

_Am._ With all submission, both of thanks and duty.

_To._ Well then, the great Power of heaven bless and
confirm you. And, Golding, that my love to thee may
not show less than my wife's love to my eldest daughter,
thy marriage feast shall equal the knight's and hers. 163

_Go._ Let me beseech you, no, sir; the superfluity and
cold meat left at their nuptials will with bounty furnish
ours. The grossest prodigality is superfluous cost of
the belly; nor would I wish any invitement of states or
friends, only your reverent[38] presence and witness shall
sufficiently grace and confirm us. 169

_To._ Son to my own bosom, take her and my blessing.
The nice fondling, my lady, sir-reverence, that I must not
now presume to call daughter, is so ravished with desire
to hansell her new coach, and see her knight's Eastward
Castle, that the next morning will sweat with her busy
setting forth. Away will she and her mother, and while
their preparation is making, ourselves, with some two
or three other friends, will consummate the humble
match we have in God's name concluded.

'Tis to my wish, for I have often read,
Fit birth, fit age, keeps long a quiet bed. 180
'Tis to my wish; for tradesmen, well 'tis known,
Get with more ease than gentry keeps his own.

[_Exeunt._

[31] A hackneyed quotation from _Tamburlaine_.

[32] Old ed. "Am pum pull eo," &c.

[33] A favourite quotation of Pistol's ("_Have we_ not Hiren
here?"). It is supposed to come from Peele's lost play _The
Turkish Mahomet and Hyren the Fair Greek_.

[34] This line would seem to belong to the _Spanish
Tragedy_, but it is not in the text that has come down. When
Horatio is stabbed by the assassins, Bellimperia cries:--"Murder!
murder! Help, Hieronimo, help!" She is forced off the stage, and
then Hieronimo enters, exclaiming, "What outcries pluck me from
my naked bed!" (a much-ridiculed line). But in a passage of
Jonson's _Poetaster_ (iii. 1), where there is clearly an
allusion to Jeronimo, we find the line (slightly altered) that
Quicksilver quotes:--

"_2d Pyr._ Ay, but somebody must cry _Murder!_
then in a small voice.

_Tuc._ Your fellow-sharer there shall do't: cry,
sirrah, cry!

_1st Pyr._ _Murder, murder!_

_2d Pyr._ _Who calls out murder? lady, was it you?_"

[35] "_I.e._, will make you go to Tyburn. So in Greene's
_Second Part of the Art of Conny Catching_, sig. 2:--'And
yet at last so long the pitcher goeth to the brooke that it
cometh broken home: and so long the foists put their villainie in
practice that _Westward they goe_, and there solemnly make a
rehearsal sermon at _tiborne_.' Again in the third part,
sig. C, 'the end of such (though they scape a while)
will be sailing _Westward in a carte to
Tiborn_.'"--_Reed._

[36] "When this eternal substance of my soul
Did live imprison'd in my wanton flesh,
Each in their function serving other's need,
I was a courtier in the Spanish court:
My name was Don Andrea."
--Opening lines of the _Spanish Tragedy_.

[37] Broken pieces of gold.

[38] Frequently used for _reverend_.

SCENE II.

_Room in_ SECURITY'S _house_.

SECURITY _solus_.

_Sec._ My privy guest, lusty Quicksilver, has drunk too
deep of the bride-bowl; but with a little sleep, he is
much recovered; and, I think, is making himself ready
to be drunk in a gallanter likeness. My house is as
'twere the cave where the young outlaw hoards the
stolen vails of his occupation; and here, when he will
revel it in his prodigal similitude, he retires to his trunks,
and (I may say softly) his punks; he dares trust me
with the keeping of both; for I am Security itself; my
name is Security, the famous usurer.

[_Exit._

SCENE III.

_Room in_ SECURITY'S _house_.

_Enter_ QUICKSILVER _in his prentice's coat and cap, his gallant
breeches and stockings, gartering himself_, SECURITY _following_.

_Qu._ Come, old Security, thou father of destruction!
th' indented sheepskin is burned wherein I was wrapt;
and I am now loose, to get more children of perdition
into thy usurous bonds. Thou feed'st my lechery, and
I thy covetousness; thou art pander to me for my
wench, and I to thee for thy cozenages. Ka me, ka
thee,[39] runs through court and country.

_Sec._ Well said, my subtle Quicksilver! These ka's
ope the doors to all this world's felicity: the dullest forehead
sees it. Let not master courtier think he carries
all the knavery on his shoulders: I have known poor
Hob, in the country, that has worn hob-nails on's hoes,
have as much villainy in's head as he that wears gold
buttons in's cap. 14

_Qu._ Why, man, 'tis the London highway to thrift;
if virtue be used, 'tis but as a scape to the net of
villainy. They that use it simply, thrive simply, I
warrant. Weight and fashion makes goldsmiths cuckolds.

_Enter_ SINDEFY, _with_ QUICKSILVER'S _doublet, cloak,
rapier, and dagger_.

_Si._ Here, sir, put off the other half of your prenticeship.

_Qu._ Well said, sweet Sin! Bring forth my bravery.
Now let my trunks shoot[40] forth their silks conceal'd. 22
I now am free, and now will justify
My trunks and punks. Avaunt, dull flatcap, then!
_Via_ the curtain that shadow'd Borgia![41]
There lie, thou husk of my envassail'd state,
I, Sampson, now have burst the Philistines' bands,
And in thy lap, my lovely Dalila,
I'll lie, and snore out my enfranchised state.

_When_[42] _Sampson was a tall young man, 30
His power and strength increased than;
He sold no more nor cup nor can;
But did them all despise.
Old Touchstone, now write to thy friends
For one to sell thy base gold-ends;
Quicksilver now no more attends
Thee, Touchstone._

But, dad, hast thou seen my running gelding dressed
to-day?

_Sec._ That I have, Frank. The ostler a'th' Cock
dressed him for a breakfast. 41

_Qu._ What! did he eat him?

_Sec._ No, but he eat his breakfast for dressing him;
and so dressed him for breakfast.

_Qu._ O witty age! where age is young in wit,
And all youths' words have gray-beards full of it!

_Sec._ But alas, Frank! how will all this be maintained
now? Your place maintained it before. 48

_Qu._ Why, and I maintained my place. I'll to the
court: another manner of place for maintenance, I
hope, than the silly City! I heard my father say, I
heard my mother sing an old song and a true: _Thou_
_art a she-fool, and know'st not what belongs to our male
wisdom._ I shall be a merchant, forsooth! trust my
estate in a wooden trough as he does! What are these
ships but tennis-balls for the winds to play withal?
tossed from one wave to another; now under line, now
over the house; sometimes brick-walled against a rock,
so that the guts fly out again; sometimes strook under
the wide hazard, and farewell, master merchant! 60

_Si._ Well, Frank, well: the seas you say, are uncertain:
but he that sails in your Court seas shall find 'hem ten
times fuller of hazard; wherein to see what is to be seen
is torment more than a free spirit can endure; but when
you come to suffer, how many injuries swallow you!
What care and devotion must you use to humour an
imperious lord, proportion your looks to his looks,
smiles to his smiles; fit your sails to the winds of his
breath!

_Qu._ Tush! he's no journeyman in his craft that
cannot do that. 71

_Si._ But he's worse than a prentice that does it; not
only humouring the lord, but every trencher-bearer,
every groom, that by indulgence and intelligence crept
into his favour, and by panderism into his chamber;
he rules the roast; and when my honourable lord says
it shall be thus, my worshipful rascal, the groom of his
close stool, says it shall not be thus, claps the door
after him, and who dares enter? A prentice, quoth
you? 'Tis but to learn to live; and does that disgrace
a man? He that rises hardly stands firmly; but he
that rises with ease, alas! falls as easily. 82

_Qu._ A pox on you! who taught you this morality?

_Sec._ 'Tis 'long of this witty age, Master Francis. But,
indeed, Mistress Sindefy, all trades complain of inconvenience,
and therefore 'tis best to have none. The
merchant, he complains and says, traffic is subject to
much uncertainty and loss; let 'hem keep their goods
on dry land, with a vengeance, and not expose other
men's substances to the mercy of the winds, under protection
of a wooden wall (as Master Francis says); and
all for greedy desire to enrich themselves with unconscionable
gain, two for one, or so; where I, and
such other honest men as live by lending money, are
content with moderate profit; thirty or forty i' th' hundred,
so we may have it with quietness, and out of peril
of wind and weather, rather than run those dangerous
courses of trading, as they do. 98

[_Exit_[43] SINDEFY.

_Qu._ Ay, dad, thou may'st well be called Security, for
thou takest the safest course.

_Sec._ 'Faith, the quieter, and the more contented, and,
out of doubt, the more godly; for merchants, in their
courses, are never pleased, but ever repining against
heaven: one prays for a westerly wind, to carry his ship
forth; another for an easterly, to bring his ship home,
and at every shaking of a leaf[44] he falls into an agony,
to think what danger his ship is in on such a coast, and
so forth. The farmer, he is ever at odds with the
weather: sometimes the clouds have been too barren;
sometimes the heavens forget themselves; their harvests
answer not their hopes; sometimes the season falls out
too fruitful, corn will bear no price, and so forth. The
artificer, he's all for a stirring world: if his trade be too
full, and fall short of his expectation, then falls he out
of joint. Where we that trade nothing but money are
free from all this; we are pleased with all weathers,
let it rain or hold up, be calm or windy; let the season
be whatsoever, let trade go how it will, we take all in
good part, e'en what please the heavens to send us, so
the sun stand not still, and the moon keep her usual
returns, and make up days, months, and years. 121

_Qu._ And you have good security?

_Sec._ Ay, marry, Frank, that's the special point.

_Qu._ And yet, forsooth, we must have trades to live
withal; for we cannot stand without legs, nor fly without
wings, and a number of such scurvy phrases. No,
I say still, he that has wit, let him live by his wit; he
that has none, let him be a tradesman.

_Sec._ Witty Master Francis! 'tis pity any trade should
dull that quick brain of yours. Do but bring Knight
Petronel into my parchment toils once, and you shall
never need to toil in any trade, o' my credit. You know
his wife's land? 133

_Qu._ Even to a foot, sir; I have been often there; a
pretty fine seat, good land, all entire within itself.

_Sec._ Well wooded?

_Qu._ Two hundred pounds' worth of wood ready to
fell, and a fine sweet house, that stands just in the
midst on't, like a prick in the midst of a circle; would
I were your farmer, for a hundred pound a year!

_Sec._ Excellent Master Francis! how I do long to do
thee good! How I do hunger and thirst to have the
honour to enrich thee! ay, even to die, that thou
mightest inherit my living! even hunger and thirst! for
o' my religion, Master Francis, and so tell Knight
Petronel, I do it to do him a pleasure. 146

_Qu._ Marry, dad! his horses are now coming up to
bear down his lady; wilt thou lend him thy stable to
set 'hem in?

_Sec._ 'Faith, Master Francis, I would be loth to lend
my stable out of doors; in a greater matter I will pleasure
him, but not in this.

_Qu._ A pox of your hunger and thirst! Well, dad, let
him have money; all he could any way get is bestowed
on a ship now bound for Virginia; the frame of which
voyage is so closely conveyed that his new lady nor any
of her friends know it. Notwithstanding, as soon as
his lady's hand is gotten to the sale of her inheritance,
and you have furnished him with money, he will instantly
hoist sail and away. 160

_Sec._ Now, a frank gale of wind go with him, Master
Frank! we have too few such knight adventurers; who
would not sell away competent certainties to purchase,
with any danger, excellent uncertainties? your true knight
venturer ever does. Let his wife seal to-day; he shall
have his money to-day.

_Qu._ To-morrow she shall, dad, before she goes into
the country; to work her to which action with the more
engines, I purpose presently to prefer my sweet Sin here
to the place of her gentlewoman; whom you (for the
more credit) shall present as your friend's daughter, a
gentlewoman of the country, new come up with a will
for awhile to learn fashions forsooth, and be toward some
lady; and she shall buzz pretty devices into her lady's
ear; feeding her humours so serviceably (as the manner
of such as she is, you know). 176

_Sec._ True, good Master Francis.

_Re-enter_ SINDEFY.

_Qu._ That she shall keep her port open to anything
she commends to her.

_Sec._ O' my religion, a most fashionable project; as
good she spoil the lady, as the lady spoil her; for 'tis
three to one of one side. Sweet Mistress Sin, how are
you bound to Master Francis! I do not doubt to see
you shortly wed one of the head-men[45] of our city.

_Si._ But, sweet Frank, when shall my father Security
present me? 186

_Qu._ With all festination; I have broken the ice to it
already; and will presently to the knight's house, whither,
my good old dad, let me pray thee, with all formality to
man her.

_Sec._ Command me, Master Francis, I do hunger and
thirst to do thee service. Come, sweet Mistress Sin,
take leave of my Winifred, and we will instantly meet
Frank, Master Francis, at your lady's.

_Enter_ WINIFRED _above_.

_Wi._ Where is my Cu there? Cu?

_Sec._ Ay, Winnie. 196

_Wi._ Wilt thou come in, sweet Cu?

_Sec._ Ay, Winnie, presently.

[_Exeunt_ SECURITY _and_ SINDEFY.

_Qu._ Ay, Winnie, quod he, that's all he can do, poor
man, he may well cut off her name at Winnie. O, 'tis
an egregious pander! What will not an usurous knave
be, so he may be rich? O, 'tis a notable Jew's trump!
I hope to live to see dogs' meat made of the old usurer's
flesh, dice of his bones, and indentures of his skin; and
yet his skin is too thick to make parchment, 'twould
make good boots for a peter-man[46] to catch salmon in.
Your only smooth skin to make fine vellum is your
Puritan's skin; they be the smoothest and slickest knaves
in a country. 209

_Enter_ Sir PETRONEL _in boots, with a riding-wand_.[47]

_Pe._ I'll out of this wicked town as fast as my horse
can trot! Here's now no good action for a man to
spend his time in. Taverns grow dead; ordinaries are
blown up; plays are at a stand; houses of hospitality
at a fall; not a feather waving, nor a spur jingling anywhere.
I'll away instantly.

_Qu._ Y'ad best take some crowns in your purse, knight,
or else your Eastward Castle will smoke but miserably.

_Pe._ O, Frank! my castle? Alas! all the castles I
have are built with air, thou know'st. 219

_Qu._ I know it, knight, and therefore wonder whither
your lady is going.

_Pe._ 'Faith, to seek her fortune, I think. I said I had
a castle and land eastward, and eastward she will, without
contradiction; her coach and the coach of the sun
must meet full butt. And the sun being outshined with
her ladyship's glory, she fears he goes westward to hang
himself.

_Qu._ And I fear, when her enchanted castle becomes
invisible, her ladyship will return and follow his example.

_Pe._ Oh, that she would have the grace! for I shall
never be able to pacify her, when she sees herself deceived
so. 232

_Qu._ As easily as can be. Tell her she mistook your
directions, and that shortly yourself will down with her
to approve it; and then clothe but her crouper in a new
gown, and you may drive her any way you list. For
these women, sir, are like Essex calves, you must wriggle
'hem on by the tail still, or they will never drive orderly.

_Pe._ But, alas! sweet Frank, thou knowest my ability
will not furnish her blood with those costly humours.

_Qu._ Cast that cost on me, sir. I have spoken to my
old pander, Security, for money or commodity; and commodity
(if you will) I know he will procure you. 243

_Pe._ Commodity! Alas! what commodity?

_Qu._ Why, sir! what say you to figs and raisins?

_Pe._ A plague of figs and raisins, and all such frail[48]
commodities! We shall make nothing of 'hem.

_Qu._ Why then, sir, what say you to forty pound in
roasted beef?[49]

_Pe._ Out upon't, I have less stomach to that than to
the figs and raisins; I'll out of town, though I sojourn
with a friend of mine, for stay here I must not; my
creditors have laid to arrest me, and I have no friend
under heaven but my sword to bail me. 254

_Qu._ God's me, knight, put 'hem in sufficient sureties,
rather than let your sword bail you! Let 'hem take their
choice, either the King's Bench or the Fleet, or which of
the two Counters they like best, for, by the Lord, I like
none of 'hem.

_Pe._ Well, Frank, there is no jesting with my earnest
necessity; thou know'st if I make not present money to
further my voyage begun, all's lost, and all I have laid
out about it. 263

_Qu._ Why, then, sir, in earnest, if you can get your
wise lady to set her hand to the sale of her inheritance,
the bloodhound, Security, will smell out ready money
for you instantly.

_Pe._ There spake an angel: to bring her to which
conformity, I must feign myself extremely amorous;
and alleging urgent excuses for my stay behind, part
with her as passionately as she would from her foisting
hound.[50] 272

_Qu._ You have the sow by the right ear, sir. I warrant
there was never child longed more to ride a cock-horse
or wear his new coat, than she longs to ride in her new
coach. She would long for everything when she was a
maid, and now she will run mad for 'hem. I lay my life,
she will have every year four children; and what charge
and change of humour you must endure while she is with
child, and how she will tie you to your tackling till she
be with child, a dog would not endure. Nay, there is
no turnspit dog bound to his wheel[51] more servilely than
you shall be to her wheel; for, as that dog can never
climb the top of his wheel but when the top comes under
him, so shall you never climb the top of her contentment
but when she is under you. 286

_Pe._ 'Slight, how thou terrifiest me!

_Qu._ Nay, hark you, sir; what nurses, what midwives,
what fools, what physicians, what cunning women must
be sought for (fearing sometimes she is bewitched, sometimes
in a consumption), to tell her tales, to talk bawdy
to her, to make her laugh, to give her glisters, to let her
blood under the tongue and betwixt the toes; how she
will revile and kiss you, spit in your face, and lick it off
again; how she will vaunt you are her creature; she made
you of nothing; how she could have had thousand mark
jointures; she could have been made a lady by a Scotch
knight, and never ha' married him; she could have had
ponados[52] in her bed every morning; how she set you
up, and how she will pull you down: you'll never be able
to stand of your legs to endure it. 301

_Pe._ Out of my fortune, what a death is my life bound
face to face to! The best is, a large time-fitted conscience
is bound to nothing: marriage is but a form in
the school of policy, to which scholars sit fastened only
with painted chains. Old Security's young wife is ne'er
the further off with me.

_Qu._ Thereby lies a tale, sir. The old usurer will be
here instantly, with my punk Sindefy, whom you know
your lady has promised me to entertain for her gentlewoman;
and he (with a purpose to feed on you) invites
you most solemnly by me to supper. 312

_Pe._ It falls out excellently fitly: I see desire of gain
makes jealousy venturous.

_Enter_ GERTRUDE.

See, Frank, here comes my lady. Lord! how she views
thee! she knows thee not, I think, in this bravery.

_Ge._ How now? who be you, I pray?

_Qu._ One Master Francis Quicksilver, an't please your
ladyship.

_Ge._ God's my dignity! as I am a lady, if he did not
make me blush so that mine eyes stood a-water. Would
I were unmarried again! 322

_Enter_ SECURITY _and_ SINDEFY.

Where's my woman, I pray?

_Qu._ See, madam, she now comes to attend you.

_Sec._ God save my honourable knight and his worshipful
lady.

_Ge._ Y'are very welcome; you must not put on your
hat yet.

_Sec._ No, madam; till I know your ladyship's further
pleasure, I will not presume.

_Ge._ And is this a gentleman's daughter new come out
of the country? 332

_Sec._ She is, madam; and one that her father hath a
special care to bestow in some honourable lady's service,
to put her out of her honest humours, forsooth; for she
had a great desire to be a nun, an't please you.

_Ge._ A nun? what nun? a nun substantive? or a nun
adjective?

_Sec._ A nun substantive, madam, I hope, if a nun be a
noun. But I mean, lady, a vowed maid of that order.

_Ge._ I'll teach her to be a maid of the order, I warrant
you. And can you do any work belongs to a lady's
chamber? 343

_Si._ What I cannot do, madam, I would be glad to
learn.

_Ge._ Well said; hold up, then; hold up your head, I
say; come hither a little.

_Si._ I thank your ladyship.

_Ge._ And hark you, good man, you may put on your
hat now; I do not look on you. I must have you of
my faction now; not of my knight's, maid. 351

_Si._ No, forsooth, madam, of yours.

_Ge._ And draw all my servants in my bow, and keep
my counsel, and tell me tales, and put me riddles, and
read on a book sometimes when I am busy, and laugh
at country gentlewomen, and command anything in the
house for my retainers; and care not what you spend,
for it is all mine; and in any case be still a maid, whatsoever
you do, or whatsoever any man can do unto you.

_Sec._ I warrant your ladyship for that. 360

_Ge._ Very well; you shall ride in my coach with me
into the country, to-morrow morning. Come, knight,
pray thee let's make a short supper, and to bed presently.

_Sec._ Nay, good madam, this night I have a short
supper at home waits on his worship's acceptation.

_Ge._ By my faith, but he shall not go, sir; I shall
swoon and he sup from me.

_Pe._ Pray thee, forbear; shall he lose his provision?

_Ge._ Ay, by-lady, sir, rather than I lose my longing.
Come in, I say; as I am a lady, you shall not go. 370

_Qu._ I told him what a burr he had gotten.

_Sec._ If you will not sup from your knight, madam, let
me entreat your ladyship to sup at my house with him.

_Ge._ No, by my faith, sir; then we cannot be abed
soon enough after supper.

_Pe._ What a medicine is this! Well, Master Security,
you are new married as well as I; I hope you are bound
as well. We must honour our young wives, you know.

_Qu._ In policy, dad, till to-morrow she has sealed.

_Sec._ I hope in the morning yet your knighthood will
breakfast with me? 381

_Pe._ As early as you will, sir.

_Sec._ I thank your good worship; I do hunger and
thirst to do you good, sir.

_Ge._ Come, sweet knight, come; I do hunger and
thirst to be abed with thee.

[_Exeunt._

[39] "Ka me, ka thee"--one good turn deserves another. See Nares'
_Glossary_.

[40] _Trunk_ was a term for a pea-shooter.

[41] "This alludes to a scene in the tragedy of _Mulleasses the
Turke_, 1610, by Mason, where Borgias appears as a ghost, and
is addressed by Mulleasses in these words:--
'Illusive ayre, false shape of Borgias,
Could thy vaine shadow worke a feare in him
That like an Atlas under went the earth,
When with a prim and constant eye he saw
Hell's fifty-headed porter; thus I'd prove
Thy apparition idle. [_Runnes at Borgias._

_Borg._ Treason! I live.'"--_Reed._

[42] A parody of an old ballad. See Evans' _Old Ballads_, i.
283 (1810); Chappell's _Popular Music of the Olden Time_, i.
241.

[43] Not marked in old ed.--She leaves the stage while Security
and Quicksilver are conversing; and presently (p. 37) returns.
[Transcriber's note: after line 177, above scene.]

[44] Cf. _Merchant of Venice_, i. 1:--
"My wind, cooling my broth,
Would blow me to an ague, when I thought
What harm a wind too great at sea might do."

[45] A jocular term for _cuckolds_.

[46] Nickname for a fisherman (one who followed the occupation of
the apostle Peter).

[47] "A hollie wand or _riding wand_. Houssine."--_Cotgrave._

[48] Used with a quibble. _Frail_ was a basket for figs,
raisins, &c.

[49] In _Lanthorn and Candlelight_ (1609) Dekker mentions
this extraordinary commodity:--"After a revelling, when younger
brothers have spent all, or in gaming have lost all, they sit
plotting in their chambers with necessity how to be furnished
presently with a new supply of money. They would take up any
commodity whatsoever, but their names stand in too many texted
letters in mercers' and scriveners' books. Upon _a hundred
pounds' worth of roasted beef_ they could find in their hearts
to venture, for that would away in turning of a hand; but where
shall they find a butcher or a cook that will let any man run so
much upon the score for flesh only?" (_Works_, ed. Grosart,
iii. 231.)

[50] "Foisting hound" = a dog with an evil smell.

[51] "There is comprehended under the curs of the coarsest kind a
certain dog in kitchen service excellent. For when any meat is to
be roasted _they go into a wheel_, which they turning round
about with the weight of their bodies so diligently look to their
business that no drudger nor scullion can do the feat more
cunningly: whom the popular sort hereupon call
turnspits."--Topsel's _History of Four-footed Beasts_, ed.
1658 (p. 139).

[52] The old ed. gives "poynados" (= poniards), which modern
editors strangely retain. _Ponado_ (_panado_) was a
caudle made of bread, currants, sack, eggs, &c.