Chapter V: Act IV: Scene I

_Cuckold's Haven._

_Enter_ SLITGUT _with a pair of ox-horns, discovering Cuckold's Haven
above_.

_Sl._ All hail, fair haven of married men only! for there
are none but married men cuckolds. For my part, I
presume not to arrive here, but in my masters behalf (a
poor butcher of East-cheap), who sends me to set up (in
honour of Saint Luke) these necessary ensigns of his
homage.[73] And up I got this morning, thus early, to get
up to the top of this famous tree, that is all fruit and no
leaves, to advance this crest of my master's occupation.
Up then; heaven and Saint Luke bless me, that I be
not blown into the Thames as I climb, with this furious
tempest. 'Slight! I think the devil be abroad, in likeness
of a storm, to rob me of my horns! Hark how he
roars! Lord! what a coil the Thames keeps! she bears
some unjust burthen, I believe, that she kicks and
curvets thus to cast it. Heaven bless all honest passengers
that are upon her back now; for the bit is out
of her mouth, I see, and she will run away with 'hem!
So, so, I think I have made it look the right way; it
runs against London Bridge, as it were, even full butt.
And now let me discover from this lofty prospect, what
pranks the rude Thames plays in her desperate lunacy.
O me! here's a boat has been cast away hard by. Alas,
alas! see one of her passengers labouring for his life to
land at this haven here! pray heaven he may recover
it! His next land is even just under me; hold out yet
a little, whatsoever thou art; pray, and take a good
heart to thee. 'Tis a man; take a man's heart to thee;
yet a little further, get up a' thy legs, man; now 'tis
shallow enough. So, so, so! Alas! he's down again.
Hold thy wind, father: 'tis a man in a nightcap. So!
now he's got up again; now he's past the worst: yet,
thanks be to heaven, he comes towards me pretty and
strongly. 33

_Enter_ SECURITY _without his hat, in a nightcap,
wet band, &c._

_Sec._ Heaven, I beseech thee, how have I offended
thee! where am I cast ashore now, that I may go a
righter way home by land? Let me see; O I am
scarce able to look about me: where is there any seamark
that I am acquainted withal?

_Sl._ Look up, father; are you acquainted with this
mark? 40

_Sec._ What! landed at Cuckold's Haven! Hell and
damnation! I will run back and drown myself.

[_He falls down._

_Sl._ Poor man, how weak he is! the weak water has
washed away his strength.

_Sec._ Landed at Cuckold's Haven! If it had not been
to die twenty times alive, I should never have 'scaped
death! I will never arise more; I will grovel here and
eat dirt till I be choked; I will make the gentle earth
do that, which the cruel water has denied me. 49

_Sl._ Alas! good father, be not so desperate! Rise,
man; if you will I'll come presently and lead you home.

_Sec._ Home! shall I make any know my home, that
has known me thus abroad? How low shall I crouch
away, that no eye may see me? I will creep on the
earth while I live, and never look heaven in the face
more.

[_Exit creeping._

_Sl._ What young planet reigns now, trow,[74] that old
men are so foolish? What desperate young swaggerer
would have been abroad such a weather as this, upon
the water? Ay me! see another remnant of this unfortunate
shipwreck, or some other. A woman, i'faith,
a woman; though it be almost at St. Katherine's, I discern
it to be a woman, for all her body is above the
water, and her clothes swim about her most handsomely.
O, they bear her up most bravely! has not a woman
reason to love the taking up of her clothes the better
while she lives, for this? Alas! how busy the rude
Thames is about her! a pox o' that wave! it will drown
her, i'faith, 'twill drown her! Cry God mercy, she has
'scaped it--I thank heaven she has 'scaped it! O how
she swims like a mermaid! some vigilant body look out
and save her. That's well said; just where the priest
fell in, there's one sets down a ladder, and goes to take
her up. God's blessing o' thy heart, boy! Now take
her up in thy arms and to bed with her; she's up, she's
up! She's a beautiful woman, I warrant her; the
billows durst not devour her. 77

_Enter the_ Drawer _of the Blue Anchor,_[75] _with_ WINIFRED.

_Dr._ How fare you now, lady?

_Wi._ Much better, my good friend, than I wish; as
one desperate of her fame, now my life is preserved.

_Dr._ Comfort yourself: that power that preserved you
from death can likewise defend you from infamy, howsoever
you deserve it. Were not you one that took
boat late this night, with a knight and other gentlemen
at Billingsgate?

_Wi._ Unhappy that I am, I was. 86

_Dr._ I am glad it was my good hap to come down
thus far after you, to a house of my friend's here in St.
Katherine's, since I am now happily made a mean to
your rescue from the ruthless tempest, which (when you
took boat) was so extreme, and the gentleman that
brought you forth so desperate and unsober, that I
feared long ere this I should hear of your shipwreck,
and therefore (with little other reason) made thus far
this way. And this I must tell you, since perhaps you
may make use of it, there was left behind you at our
tavern, brought by a porter (hired by the young gentleman
that brought you), a gentlewoman's gown, hat,
stockings, and shoes; which if they be yours, and you
please to shift you, taking a hard bed here in this house
of my friend, I will presently go fetch you. 101

_Wi._ Thanks, my good friend, for your more than good
news. The gown with all things bound with it are mine;
which if you please to fetch as you have promised, I will
boldly receive the kind favour you have offered till your
return; entreating you, by all the good you have done in
preserving me hitherto, to let none take knowledge of what
favour you do me, or where such a one as I am bestowed,
lest you incur me much more damage in my fame than
you have done me pleasure in preserving my life. 110

_Dr._ Come in, lady, and shift yourself; resolve that
nothing but your own pleasure shall be used in your
discovery.

_Wi._ Thank you, good friend; the time may come, I
shall requite you.

[_Exeunt._

_Slit._ See, see, see! I hold my life, there's some other
a taking up at Wapping now! Look, what a sort of
people cluster about the gallows there! in good troth
it is so. O me! a fine young gentleman! What, and
taken up at the gallows! Heaven grant he be not one
day taken down there! O' my life, it is ominous! Well,
he is delivered for the time. I see the people have all left
him; yet will I keep my prospect awhile, to see if any
more have been shipwracked. 124

_Enter_ QUICKSILVER, _bareheaded_.

_Qu._ Accursed that ever I was saved or born!
How fatal is my sad arrival here!
As if the stars and providence spake to me,
And said, "The drift of all unlawful courses
(Whatever end they dare propose themselves,
In frame of their licentious policies), 130
In the firm order of just destiny,
They are the ready highways to our ruins."
I know not what to do; my wicked hopes
Are, with this tempest, torn up by the roots.
O! which way shall I bend my desperate steps,
In which unsufferable shame and misery
Will not attend them? I will walk this bank,
And see if I can meet the other relics
Of our poor shipwreck'd crew, or hear of them.
The knight, alas! was so far gone with wine, 140
And th' other three, that I refused their boat,
And took the hapless woman in another,
Who cannot but be sunk, whatever fortune
Hath wrought upon the others' desperate lives.

[_Exit._

_Enter_ Sir PETRONEL _and_ SEAGULL, _bareheaded_.

_Pe._ Zounds! captain, I will tell thee, we are cast up
o' the coast of France. 'Sfoot! I am not drunk still, I
hope. Dost remember where we were last night?

_Sea._ No, by my troth, knight, not I; but methinks we
have been a horrible while upon the water and in the
water. 150

_Pe._ Ay me! we are undone for ever! Hast any
money about thee?

_Sea._ Not a penny, by Heaven!

_Pe._ Not a penny betwixt us, and cast ashore in
France!

_Sea._ 'Faith, I cannot tell that; my brains nor mine
eyes are not mine own yet. 157

_Enter two_ Gentlemen.

_Pe._ 'Sfoot! wilt not believe me? I know't by th'
elevation of the pole, and by the altitude and latitude of
the climate. See, here comes a couple of French gentlemen;
I knew we were in France; dost thou think our
Englishmen are so Frenchified, that a man knows not
whether he be in France or in England, when he sees
'hem? What shall we do? We must e'en to 'hem, and
entreat some relief of 'hem. Life is sweet, and we have
no other means to relieve our lives now but their charities.

_Sea._ Pray you, do you beg on 'hem then; you can
speak French. 168

_Pe._ Monsieur, plaist il d'avoir pitie de nostre grande
infortune. Je suis un poure chevalier d'Angleterre qui
a souffri l'infortune de naufrage.

_1st Gent._ Un poure chevalier d'Angleterre?

_Pe._ Oui, monsieur, il est trop vray; mais vous sçaves
bien nous sommes toutes subject à fortune.

_2nd Gent._ A poor knight of England?--a poor knight
of Windsor, are you not? Why speak you this broken
French when y'are a whole Englishman? On what coast
are you, think you?

_Pe._ On the coast of France, sir. 179

_1st Gent._ On the coast of Dogs, sir; y'are i'th' Isle o'
Dogs, I tell you, I see y'ave been washed in the Thames
here, and I believe ye were drowned in a tavern before,
or else you would never have took boat in such a dawning
as this was. Farewell, farewell; we will not know you
for shaming of you. I ken the man weel; he's one of
my thirty pound knights.[76]

_2nd Gent._ No, no, this is he that stole his knighthood
o' the grand day for four pound given to a page; all the
money in's purse, I wot well.

[_Exeunt._

_Sea._ Death! colonel, I knew you were over-shot. 190

_Pe._ Sure I think now, indeed, Captain Seagull, we
were something over-shot.

_Enter_ QUICKSILVER.

What! my sweet Frank Quicksilver! dost thou survive
to rejoice me? But what! nobody at thy heels, Frank?
Ay me! what is become of poor Mistress Security?

_Qu._ 'Faith, gone quite from her name, as she is from
her fame, I think; I left her to the mercy of the water.

_Sea._ Let her go, let her go! Let us go to our ship at
Blackwall, and shift us. 199

_Pe._ Nay, by my troth, let our clothes rot upon us, and
let us rot in them; twenty to one our ship is attached
by this time! If we set her not under sail this last tide,
I never looked for any other. Woe, woe is me! what
shall become of us? The last money we could make,
the greedy Thames has devoured; and if our ship be
attached, there is no hope can relieve us.

_Qu._ 'Sfoot! knight, what an unknightly faintness transports
thee! Let our ship sink, and all the world that's
without us be taken from us, I hope I have some tricks
in this brain of mine shall not let us perish. 210

_Sea._ Well said, Frank, i'faith. O, my nimble-spirited
Quicksilver! 'Fore God! would thou hadst been our
colonel!

_Pe._ I like his spirit rarely; but I see no means he
has to support that spirit.

_Qu._ Go to, knight! I have more means than thou art
aware of. I have not lived amongst goldsmiths and
goldmakers all this while, but I have learned something
worthy of my time with 'hem. And not to let thee stink
where thou stand'st, knight, I'll let thee know some of
my skill presently. 221

_Sea._ Do, good Frank, I beseech thee.

_Qu._ I will blanch copper so cunningly that it shall
endure all proofs but the test: it shall endure malleation,
it shall have the ponderosity of Luna, and the tenacity
of Luna--by no means friable.

_Pe._ 'Slight! where learn'st thou these terms, trow?

_Qu._ Tush, knight! the terms of this art every ignorant
quacksalver is perfect in; but I'll tell you how yourself
shall blanch copper thus cunningly. Take arsenic, otherwise
called realga (which indeed is plain ratsbane); sublime
'hem three or four times, then take the sublimate
of this realga, and put 'hem into a glass, into chymia,
and let them have a convenient decoction natural, four-and-twenty
hours, and he will become perfectly fixed;
then take this fixed powder, and project him upon well-purged
copper, _et habebis magisterium_. 237

_Ambo._ Excellent Frank, let us hug thee!

_Qu._ Nay, this I will do besides. I'll take you off
twelvepence from every angel, with a kind of aquafortis,
and never deface any part of the image.

_Pe._ But then it will want weight?

_Qu._ You shall restore that thus: Take your sal achime
prepared, and your distilled urine, and let your angels lie
in it but four-and-twenty hours, and they shall have their
perfect weight again. Come on, now; I hold this is
enough to put some spirit into the livers of you; I'll
infuse more another time. We have saluted the proud
air long enough with our bare sconces. Now will I have
you to a wench's house of mine at London, there make
shift to shift us, and after, take such fortunes as the stars
shall assign us. 252

_Ambo._ Notable Frank, we will ever adore thee!

[_Exeunt._

_Enter_ Drawer, _with_ WINIFRED _new-attired_.

_Wi._ Now, sweet friend, you have brought me near
enough your tavern, which I desired I might with some
colour be seen near, inquiring for my husband, who, I
must tell you, stole[77] thither the last night with my wet
gown we have left at your friend's, which, to continue
your former honest kindness, let me pray you to keep
close from the knowledge of any: and so, with all vow
of your requital, let me now entreat you to leave me to
my woman's wit and fortune. 262

_Dr._ All shall be done you desire; and so all the fortune
you can wish for attend you.

[_Exit_ Drawer.

_Enter_ SECURITY.

_Sec._ I will once more to this unhappy tavern before I
shift one rag of me more; that I may there know what
is left behind, and what news of their passengers. I have
bought me a hat and band with the little money I had
about me, and made the streets a little leave staring at
my nightcap.

_Wi._ O, my dear husband! where have you been
to-night? All night abroad at taverns! Rob me of
my garments! and fare as one run away from me!
Alas! is this seemly for a man of your credit, of your
age, and affection to your wife? 275

_Sec._ What should I say?--how miraculously sorts
this!--was not I at home, and called thee last night?

_Wi._ Yes, sir, the harmless sleep you broke; and my
answer to you would have witnessed it, if you had had
the patience to have stayed and answered me; but your
so sudden retreat made me imagine you were gone to
Master Bramble's, and so rested patient and hopeful
of your coming again, till this your unbelieved absence
brought me abroad with no less than wonder, to seek
you where the false knight had carried you. 285

_Sec._ Villain and monster that I was! how have I
abused thee! I was suddenly gone indeed; for my sudden
jealousy transferred me. I will say no more but this:
dear wife, I suspected thee.

_Wi._ Did you suspect me? 290

_Sec._ Talk not of it, I beseech thee; I am ashamed to
imagine it. I will home, I will home; and every morning
on my knees ask thee heartily forgiveness.

[_Exeunt._

[_Slit._] Now will I descend my honourable prospect;
the farthest seeing sea-mark of the world; no marvel,
then, if I could see two miles about me. I hope the
red tempest's anger be now over-blown, which sure, I
think, Heaven sent as a punishment for profaning holy
Saint Luke's memory[78] with so ridiculous a custom.
Thou dishonest satire! farewell to honest married
men, farewell to all sorts and degrees of thee! Farewell,
thou horn of hunger, that call'st the inns o' court to
their manger! Farewell, thou horn of abundance, that
adornest the headsmen of the commonwealth! Farewell,
thou horn of direction, that is the city lanthorn!
Farewell, thou horn of pleasure, the ensign of the huntsman!
Farewell, thou horn of destiny, th' ensign of the
married man! Farewell, thou horn tree, that bearest
nothing but stone-fruit! 309

[_Exit._

[73] Horn-fair was held at Charlton on St. Luke's Day, 18th
October.--The tradition was that King John cuckolded a miller who
lived near Charlton, and compensated him by giving him all the
land that he could see from his house, looking down the river;
the condition being that the miller should walk round the estate
annually on St. Luke's Day with a pair of buck's horns fastened
on his head.

[74] _I.e._, think you?

[75] Old ed. "_Enter the_ Drawer _in the tavern before_."

[76] A sneer at those who purchased the honour of knighthood from
King James. As he spoke the words the actor mimick'd James'
Scotch accent.

[77] Old ed. "stale."

[78] See note, p. 72. [Transcriber's Note: Footnote 73]

SCENE II.

_Goldsmiths' Row._

_Enter_ TOUCHSTONE.

_To._ Ha, sirrah! thinks my knight adventurer we can no
point of our compass? Do we not know nor-north-east,
north-east-and-by-east, east-and-by-north? nor plain eastward?
Ha! have we never heard of Virginia? nor the
Cavallaria? nor the Colonoria? Can we discover no discoveries?
Well, mine errant Sir Flash, and my runagate
Quicksilver, you may drink drunk,[79] crack cans, hurl away
a brown dozen of Monmouth caps[80] or so, in sea ceremony
to your _bon voyage_; but for reaching any coast, save the
coast of Kent or Essex, with this tide, or with this fleet, I'll
be your warrant for a Gravesend toast. There's that gone
afore will stay your admiral,[81] and vice-admiral and rear-admiral,
were they all (as they are) but one pinnace,
and under sail, as well as a remora,[82] doubt it not; and
from this sconce,[83] without either powder or shot. Work
upon that now. Nay, and you'll show tricks, we'll vie[84]
with you a little. My daughter, his lady, was sent eastward
by land, to a castle of his, i' the air (in what region
I know not), and, as I hear, was glad to take up her
lodging in her coach, she and her two waiting-women, her
maid, and her mother, like three snails in a shell, and the
coachman a-top on 'hem, I think. Since they have all
found the way back again by Weeping Cross;[85] but I'll
not see 'hem. And for two on 'hem, madam and her
malkin, they are like to bite o' the bridle for William, as
the poor horses have done all this while that hurried
'hem, or else go graze o' the common. So should my
Dame Touchstone too; but she has been my cross these
thirty years, and I'll now keep her to fright away sprites,
i'faith. I wonder I hear no news of my son Golding.
He was sent for to the Guildhall this morning betimes,
and I marvel at the matter; if I had not laid up comfort
and hope in him, I should grow desperate of all.
See! he is come i' my thought. How now, son? What
news at the Court of Aldermen? 35

_Enter_ GOLDING.

_Go._ Troth, sir, an accident somewhat strange, else it
hath little in it worth the reporting.

_To._ What? it is not borrowing of money, then?

_Go._ No, sir; it hath pleased the worshipful commoners
of the city to take me one i' their number at presentation
of the inquest----

_To._ Ha!

_Go._ And the alderman of the ward wherein I dwell to
appoint me his deputy----

_To._ How? 45

_Go._ In which place I have had an oath administered
me, since I went.

_To._ Now, my dear and happy son, let me kiss thy
new worship, and a little boast mine own happiness in
thee. What a fortune was it (or rather my judgment,
indeed) for me, first to see that in his disposition which
a whole city so conspires to second! Ta'en into the
livery of his company the first day of his freedom! Now
(not a week married) chosen commoner and alderman's
deputy in a day! Note but the reward of a thrifty
course. The wonder of his time! Well, I will honour
Master Alderman for this act (as becomes me), and shall
think the better of the Common Council's wisdom and
worship while I live, for thus meeting, or but coming
after me, in the opinion of his desert. Forward, my
sufficient son! and as this is the first, so esteem it the
least step to that high and prime honour that expects thee.

_Go._ Sir, as I was not ambitious of this, so I covet no
higher place; it hath dignity enough, if it will but save
me from contempt; and I had rather my bearing in
this or any other office should add worth to it, than the
place give the least opinion to me. 67

_To._ Excellently spoken! This modest answer of
thine blushes, as if it said, I will wear scarlet shortly.
Worshipful son! I cannot contain myself, I must tell
thee; I hope to see thee one o' the monuments of our
city, and reckoned among her worthies to be remembered
the same day with the Lady Ramsey[86] and grave
Gresham, when the famous fable of Whittington and
his puss shall be forgotten, and thou and thy acts become
the posies for hospitals; when thy name shall be written
upon conduits, and thy deeds, played i' thy lifetime, by the
best companies of actors,[87] and be called their get-penny.[88]
This I divine. This I prophesy. 79

_Go._ Sir, engage not your expectation farther than my
abilities will answer; I, that know mine own strengths,
fear 'hem; and there is so seldom a loss in promising
the least, that commonly it brings with it a welcome
deceit. I have other news for you, sir.

_To._ None more welcome, I am sure?

_Go._ They have their degree of welcome, I dare affirm.
The colonel and all his company, this morning putting
forth drunk from Billingsgate, had like to have been cast
away o' this side Greenwich; and (as I have intelligence
by a false brother) are come dropping to town like so
many masterless men, i' their doublets and hose, without
hat, or cloak, or any other---- 92

_To._ A miracle! the justice of Heaven! Where are
they? let's go presently and lay[89] for 'hem.

_Go._ I have done that already, sir, both by constables
and other officers, who shall take 'hem at their old
Anchor, and with less tumult or suspicion than if yourself
were seen in't--and under colour of a great press
that is now abroad, and they shall here be brought afore
me. 100

_To._ Prudent and politic son! Disgrace 'hem all that
ever thou canst; their ship I have already arrested.
How to my wish it falls out, that thou hast the place of
a justicer upon 'hem! I am partly glad of the injury
done to me, that thou may'st punish it. Be severe i' thy
place, like a new officer o' the first quarter, unreflected.
You hear how our lady is come back with her train,
from the invisible castle?

_Go._ No; where is she? 109

_To._ Within; but I ha' not seen her yet, nor her
mother, who now begins to wish her daughter undubbed,
they say, and that she had walked a foot-pace with her
sister. Here they come; stand back.

_Enter_ MISTRESS TOUCHSTONE, GERTRUDE, MILDRED,
_and_ SINDEFY.

God save your ladyship--save your good ladyship!
Your ladyship is welcome from your enchanted castle,
so are your beauteous retinue. I hear your knight
errant is travelled on strange adventures. Surely, in my
mind, your ladyship hath fished fair, and caught a frog,
as the saying is.

_Mist. T._ Speak to your father, madam, and kneel
down. 121

_Ge._ Kneel? I hope I am not brought so low yet;
though my knight be run away, and has sold my land, I
am a lady still.

_To._ Your ladyship says true, madam; and it is fitter
and a greater decorum, that I should curtsey to you that
are a knight's wife, and a lady, than you be brought o'
your knees to me, who am a poor cullion[90] and your
father.

_Ge._ Law!--my father knows his duty. 130

_Mist. T._ O child!

_To._ And therefore I do desire your ladyship, my good
Lady Flash, in all humility, to depart my obscure cottage,
and return in quest of your bright and most transparent
castle, however presently concealed to mortal eyes. And
as for one poor woman of your train here, I will take that
order, she shall no longer be a charge unto you, nor help
to spend your ladyship; she shall stay at home with me,
and not go abroad, nor put you to the pawning of an
odd coach-horse or three wheels, but take part with the
Touchstone. If we lack, we will not complain to your
ladyship. And so, good madam, with your damosel
here, please you to let us see your straight backs in
equipage; for truly here is no roost for such chickens as
you are, or birds o' your feather, if it like your
ladyship. 146

_Ge._ Marry, fist[91] o' your kindness! I thought as
much. Come away, Sin, we shall as soon get a fart
from a dead man,[92] as a farthing of courtesy here.

_Mi._ O, good sister!

_Ge._ Sister, sir reverence! Come away, I say, hunger
drops out at his nose.

_Go._ O, madam, fair words never hurt the tongue.

_Ge._ How say you by that? You come out with your
gold-ends now!

_Mist. T._ Stay, lady-daughter; good husband! 156

_To._ Wife, no man loves his fetters, be they made of
gold. I list not ha' my head fastened under my child's
girdle; as she has brewed, so let her drink, o' God's
name. She went witless to wedding, now she may go
wisely a-begging. It's but honeymoon yet with her
ladyship; she has coach-horses, apparel, jewels, yet left;
she needs care for no friends, nor take knowledge of
father, mother, brother, sister, or anybody. When those
are pawned or spent, perhaps we shall return into the
list of her acquaintance. 166

_Ge._ I scorn it, i'faith. Come, Sin.

_Mist. T._ O madam, why do you provoke your father
thus?

[_Exeunt_ GERTRUDE _and_ SINDEFY.

_To._ Nay, nay; e'en let pride go afore, shame will
follow after, I warrant you. Come, why dost thou weep
now? Thou art not the first good cow hast had an ill
calf, I trust.

_Enter_ Constable.

What's the news with that fellow?

_Go._ Sir, the knight and your man Quicksilver are
without; will you ha' 'hem brought in?

_To._ O, by any means. [_Exit Constable._] And, son,
here's a chair; appear terrible unto 'hem on the first
interview. Let them behold the melancholy of a magistrate,
and taste the fury of a citizen in office. 180

_Go._ Why, sir, I can do nothing to 'hem, except you
charge 'hem with somewhat.

_To._ I will charge 'hem and recharge 'hem, rather than
authority should want foil to set it off.

_Go._ No, good sir, I will not.

_To._ Son, it is your place; by any means----

_Go._ Believe it, I will not, sir.

_Enter_ Sir PETRONEL, QUICKSILVER, Constable, Officers.

_Pe._ How misfortune pursues us still in our misery!

_Qu._ Would it had been my fortune to have been
trussed up at Wapping[93] rather than ever ha' come here!

_Pe._ Or mine, to have famished in the island! 191

_Qu._ Must Golding sit upon us?

_Co._ You might carry an M. under your girdle[94] to
Master Deputy's worship.

_Go._ What are those, Master Constable?

_Co._ An't please your worship, a couple of masterless
men I pressed for the Low Countries, sir.

_Go._ Why do you not carry 'hem to Bridewell,
according to your order, they may be shipped away?

_Co._ An't please your worship, one of 'hem says he is
a knight; and we thought good to show him to your
worship, for our discharge. 202

_Go._ Which is he?

_Co._ This, sir.

_Go._ And what's the other?

_Co._ A knight's fellow, sir, an't please you.

_Go._ What! a knight and his fellow thus accoutred?
Where are their hats and feathers, their rapiers and their
cloaks?

_Qu._ O, they mock us. 210

_Co._ Nay, truly, sir, they had cast both their feathers
and hats too, before we see 'hem. Here's all their
furniture, an't please you, that we found. They say
knights are now to be known without feathers, like
cockerels by their spurs, sir.

_Go._ What are their names, say they?

_To._ Very well this. He should not take knowledge
of 'hem in his place, indeed.

_Co._ This is Sir Petronel Flash.

_To._ How! 220

_Co._ And this, Francis Quicksilver.

_To._ Is't possible? I thought your worship had been
gone for Virginia, sir; you are welcome home, sir.
Your worship has made a quick return, it seems, and no
doubt a good voyage. Nay, pray you be covered, sir.
How did your biscuit hold out, sir? Methought I had
seen this gentleman afore--good Master Quicksilver!
How a degree to the southward has changed you!

_Go._ Do you know 'hem, father? Forbear your offers
a little, you shall be heard anon. 230

_To._ Yes, Master Deputy; I had a small venture with
them in the voyage--a thing called a son-in-law, or so.
Officers, you may let 'hem stand alone, they will not run
away; I'll give my word for them. A couple of very
honest gentlemen. One of 'hem was my prentice, Master
Quicksilver here; and when he had two year to serve,
kept his whore and his hunting nag, would play his
hundred pound at gresco,[95] or primero, as familiarly (and
all o' my purse) as any bright piece of crimson on 'hem
all; had his changeable trunks of apparel standing at
livery with his mare, his chest of perfumed linen, and his
bathing-tubs, which when I told him of, why he!--he
was a gentleman, and I a poor Cheapside groom. The
remedy was, we must part. Since when, he hath had
the gift of gathering up some small parcels of mine, to[96]
the value of five hundred pound, dispersed among my
customers, to furnish this his Virginia venture; wherein
this knight was the chief, Sir Flash--one that married a
daughter of mine, ladyfied her, turned two thousand
pounds' worth of good land of hers into cash within the
first week, bought her a new gown and a coach; sent
her to seek her fortune by land, whilst himself prepared
for his fortune by sea; took in fresh flesh at Billingsgate,
for his own diet, to serve him the whole voyage--the
wife of a certain usurer called Security, who hath been
the broker for 'hem in all this business. Please, Master
Deputy, work upon that now. 257

_Go._ If my worshipful father have ended----

_To._ I have, it shall please Master Deputy.

_Go._ Well then, under correction----

_To._ Now, son, come over 'hem with some fine gird, as
thus, "Knight, you shall be encountered," that is, had
to the Counter; or, "Quicksilver, I will put you into a
crucible," or so.

_Go._ Sir Petronel Flash, I am sorry to see such flashes
as these proceed from a gentleman of your quality and
rank; for mine own part, I could wish I could say I
could not see them; but such is the misery of magistrates
and men in place, that they must not wink at offenders.
Take him aside; I will hear you anon, sir. 270

_To._ I like this well, yet; there's some grace i' the
knight left--he cries.

_Go._ Francis Quicksilver, would God thou hadst turned
quacksalver, rather than run into these dissolute and
lewd courses! It is great pity; thou art a proper young
man, of an honest and clean face, somewhat near a good
one; God hath done his part in thee; but thou hast
made too much, and been too proud of that face, with
the rest of thy body; for maintenance of which in neat
and garish attire, only to be looked upon by some light
housewives, thou hast prodigally consumed much of thy
master's estate; and being by him gently admonished
at several times, hast returned thyself haughty and rebellious
in thine answers, thundering out uncivil comparisons,
requiting all his kindness with a coarse and
harsh behaviour; never returning thanks for any one
benefit, but receiving all as if they had been debts to
thee, and no courtesies. I must tell thee, Francis, these
are manifest signs of an ill-nature; and God doth often
punish such pride and _outrecuidance_[97] with scorn and
infamy, which is the worst of misfortune. My worshipful
father, what do you please to charge them withal? From
the press I will free 'hem, Master Constable. 293

_Co._ Then I'll leave your worship, sir.

_Go._ No, you may stay; there will be other matters
against 'hem.

_To._ Sir, I do charge this gallant, Master Quicksilver,
on suspicion of felony; and the knight as being accessary
in the receipt of my goods.

_Qu._ O God, sir! 300

_To._ Hold thy peace, impudent varlet, hold thy peace!
With what forehead or face dost thou offer to chop logic
with me, having run such a race of riot as thou hast
done? Does not the sight of this worshipful man's
fortune and temper confound thee, that was thy younger
fellow in household, and now come to have the place of
a judge upon thee? Dost not observe this? Which of
all thy gallants and gamesters, thy swearers and thy swaggerers,
will come now to moan thy misfortune, or pity
thy penury? They'll look out at a window, as thou ridest
in triumph to Tyburn, and cry, "Yonder goes honest
Frank, mad Quicksilver!" "He was a free boon companion,
when he had money," says one; "Hang him,
fool!" says another; "he could not keep it when he had
it!" "A pox o' th' cullion, his master," says a third,
"he has brought him to this;" when their pox of pleasure,
and their piles of perdition, would have been better
bestowed upon thee, that hast ventured for 'hem with
the best, and by the clue of thy knavery brought thyself
weeping to the cart of calamity. 320

_Qu._ Worshipful master!

_To._ Offer not to speak, crocodile; I will not hear a
sound come from thee. Thou hast learnt to whine at
the play yonder. Master Deputy, pray you commit 'hem
both to safe custody, till I be able farther to charge
'hem.

_Qu._ O me! what an infortunate thing am I!

_Pe._ Will you not take security, sir?

_To._ Yes, marry, will I, Sir Flash, if I can find him,
and charge him as deep as the best on you. He has
been the plotter of all this; he is your enginer,[98] I hear.
Master Deputy, you'll dispose of these. In the meantime,
I'll to my lord mayor, and get his warrant to seize
that serpent Security into my hands, and seal up both
house and goods to the king's use or my satisfaction. 335

_Go._ Officers, take 'hem to the Counter.

_Qu._ } O God!
_Pe._ }

_To._ Nay, on, on! you see the issue of your sloth. Of
sloth cometh pleasure, of pleasure cometh riot, of riot
comes whoring, of whoring comes spending, of spending
comes want, of want comes theft, of theft comes hanging;
and there is my Quicksilver fixed.

[_Exeunt._

[79] "'Slid now, I'm quite altered! ... sit up late till it be
early; _drink drunk_ till I am sober."--Middleton, iii. 254.

[80] "Monmouth caps" were caps worn by sailors. (See "The Ballad
of the Caps" in Fairholt's _Satirical Songs and Poems on
Costume_, p. 115.)

[81] The chief ship of a fleet.

[82] A barnacle.--It was supposed to be able to stop a ship's
course by adhering to the rudder.

[83] "Sconce" = (1) head, (2) fort.

[84] _Vie_ was a term in card-playing; it meant to back
one's cards against an opponent's.

[85] A proverbial saying. See Nares' _Glossary_.

[86] Lady Mary Ramsey, second wife of Sir Thomas Ramsey (who was
lord mayor in 1577). She was a benefactress of Christ's Hospital
and other institutions: she died in 1596. See Stow's
_Annales_, ed. 1720, i. 278.

[87] There is an allusion to Heywood's play, _If you know not
me you know nobody_. The _First Part_ was printed in
1605; the _Second Part_ in 1606. In the prologue to the
_First Part_ Heywood mentions that the play had enjoyed
extraordinary popularity; and from the same source we gather that
it had been written some considerable time before the date of
publication. The _Second Part_ is largely taken up with the
building of Gresham's Royal Exchange. Lady Ramsey is one of the
characters.

[88] A theatrical term for a profitable performance. See
Middleton, iii. 134.

[89] _I.e._, set officers in ambush to arrest them.

[90] Mean rascal.

[91] An indelicate observation.--"Vessifier. To breed a
_fyste_, to make breake wind, or let a _fyste_."--_Cotgrave._

[92] A proverbial expression.--"J'aymeroy autant tirer un pet
d'un asne mort, que, &c.--I would as soone undertake to _get a
fart of a dead man_, as, &c."--_Cotgrave._

[93] Where pirates were hanged.

[94] "You might carry an M. under your girdle" = you might have
the civility to use the term _Master_. Cf. Heywood's _A
Maidenhead well Lost_, iii. 2:--

"_Wife._ Sirrah.

_Clown._ Madam.

_Lan._ Why dost view me thus?

_Clown._ To see if the tailor that made your gown hath
_put ne'er an M. under your girdle_: there belongs more
to beaten satin than _sirrah_."

[95] A game at cards.

[96] Old ed. "so."

[97] Presumption, arrogance.--Ben. Jonson has this French word in
_Cynthia's Revels_, v. 2. Nares quotes an instance from
Chapman's _Monsieur d'Olive_.

[98] Schemer.