Chapter XXV: Ireland

Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whose cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at once.

The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords and Emigrants to the United States.

They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminster and an Itinerant President.

The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that the Serpent who tempted Eve (from the "way he had with the women") was one of these Absentee snakes.

Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St. Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, "_more savage than the Britons, feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to devour their deceased fathers_."

Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the national beverage.

The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, Patriots,[A] Poteen and Bernard Shaw.

[A] The term _Patriot_ is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime.

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The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.