Chapter III: Front Matter (3)

An eminent barrister had a case sent to him for an opinion. The case stated was the most preposterous and improbable that had ever occurred to the mind of man, and concluded by asking, whether, under such circumstances, an action would lie? He took his pen, and wrote,--“Yes if the witnesses _will lie too_; but not otherwise.”

DEAN SWIFT’S OPINION OF FAULTS.

Dean Swift had a shoulder of mutton brought up for his dinner, too much done: he sent for the cook, and told her to take the mutton down, and do it less. “Please your honour, I cannot do it less.” “But,” says the Dean, “if it had not been done enough, you could have done it more, could you not?” “Oh, yes! very easily.” “Why, then,” says the Dean, “for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be such a one as can be mended.”

PLAYING THE FOOL.

A lady beating a tune on a table, as destitute of harmony as time, asked another, if she knew what she played? “I do,” answered she; “you play the _fool_.”

EASIER TO MAKE THAN MEND.

Pope, one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy, with “Light, your honour; Light, your honour!” He repeatedly exclaimed, “I don’t want you.” But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, “Get about your business, God mend me! I will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough.” “It’s light enough!” echoed the lad; “what’s light enough? your _head_ or your _pocket_? God _mend_ you, indeed! it would be easier for God Almighty to _make_ two men, than _mend_ one such as you.”

WILLIAM DUKE OF CUMBERLAND.

Foote rattling away one evening in his green-room with great wit and brilliancy, as usual, the Duke of Cumberland, who was present, and seemed highly entertained, cried out, “Well, Foote, you see I swallow all your good things.” “Do you, my Lord Duke,” says the other; “why, then, I congratulate you on your digestion; for, by G--d, I believe you never _threw up_ one of them in your life.”

SHERIDAN.

When Sheridan’s life was to be insured, Mr. Aaron Graham, the magistrate, was applied to, in order to know whether Mr. Sheridan was, at that period, living a more regular life than usual. “I believe he is,” said the justice; “but understand me; I think he is more regularly tipsy, every night _now_, than he has been for several years past.”

A TRAFALGAR ANECDOTE.

The Belleisle, Captain Haywood, when dismasted, was attacked by five ships at once. Captain H. finding himself thus assailed, looked over the gangway, and, shaking his head at his enemies, involuntarily ejaculated, “I’ll not strike for any of you--no, that I won’t.” A dauntless old quarter-master, who was the captain of the foremast gun on the quarterdeck, hearing what his captain said, immediately remarked, “Who the devil asked you?”

MACPHERSON.

When Macpherson’s Homer came out (a book universally decried for a bombastical, affected style), a lady remarked one evening, in a large company, to Dr. Johnson, that she had been endeavouring to read it, but the style appeared so _old_, she could not go through it with any satisfaction. “You are perfectly right, madam,” says Johnson; “it is as _old_ as the _building of Babel_.”

WRITING DOWN A CHARACTER.

Much about the time of the universal damnation of the above book, the Lord Advocate of Scotland, being in company with a number of _beaux esprits_, after haranguing with great vehemence and nationality on the general talents of Mr. Macpherson, he asserted there was not a man in England had ever the knack of _writing down a character_ more than he had. “I believe it most sincerely,” says a gentleman present; “and I think he has given a very recent proof of it, by _writing down_ one of the _first characters of all antiquity_.”

APT QUOTATION.

Dr. Paris, author of the well-known work on Diet, observing many of the miners in Cornwall to be deprived of legs and arms, and otherwise maimed, inquired the cause, and was shocked to learn that these men had been exposed for ages to the greatest dangers, from their using a metal in their excavations, which sometimes struck fire, and exploded the blasts prematurely. He immediately suggested a metal which was equally fitted for their trade, and was not liable to this dreadful objection. The poor men, truly grateful for his kindness, afterwards presented him with a piece of plate; on which was the following singularly apt and happy quotation from Virgil:--

“--------- Manet altâ mente repostum
Judicium Paridis, spretæque injuria formæ.”

A DYING WIT.

An English judge, when about to administer the oath to a dyer, observing his hand to be dark, called out, “Take off your glove.” The dyer, whose hand only bore the usual stain of his profession, promptly rejoined, “Put on your spectacles.”

DRAWINGS OF CORK.

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitality of the Irish, after his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had been in Cork. “No,” replied the wit, “but I saw a great many _drawings_ of it.”

RELIGION OF SEA CHAPLAINS.

When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war, and was cruising off the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain, who was carried off by a fever; on which the lieutenant, who was a Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying at the same time, “that he was sorry to inform him he had died a Roman Catholic.” “Well, so much the better,” said his lordship. “Hout awa, my lord; how can you say so of a British clergyman?” “Why,” said his lordship, “because I believe I am the first captain of a man-of-war that could boast of having a chaplain _who had any religion at all_.”

A SCOTCH MOON.

An English lady was on a visit to a friend in Edinburgh, who was at great pains to point out to her all the delightful prospects of that romantic city. The stranger, assuming an air of consequence, generally answered, “’Tis very well for a _Scotch view_!” One delightful evening, walking along Queen Street, while the autumnal moon shone with uncommon lustre, her friend could not help expressing her admiration of the resplendent orb of night, when the Cockey remarked, “’Tis pretty well for a _Scotch moon_!”

NEW MEANING OF THE WORD REMONSTRATE.

A worthy farmer in the north of England was once waited upon by a tax-gatherer, who claimed taxes which had been already paid. The receipt had been mislaid, and the farmer could not on the instant produce it. The man of taxes became very abusive; and the farmer, in his own phrase, _remonstrated_ with him. “Well, and to what effect did you remonstrate with him?” asked a friend, who heard the story from the farmer’s own mouth. “I don’t know,” was the reply; “but I know the poker was bent, and I had to get a hammer to straighten it again.”

A BRIDLE FOR THE TONGUE.

A young nobleman, full of the follies of youth and the vanities of his rank, was rattling away at a great rate one morning at the Smyrna coffee-house. He, in particular, took great pains to let the company know of what consequence he was abroad, by the number of valuable presents made him at the several courts of Europe: “For instance, now,” says he, “I have got a _bridle_ given me by the King of France, so exceeding rich and elegant, that upon my soul, I do not know what use to make of it.” “A _bridle_! my lord,” says an old gentleman, who sat in the corner. “Yes, sir,” says his lordship. “Why, then, I think the best use you can make of that is, _to put it about your tongue_.”

LORD HOLLAND AND THE CHAIRMEN.

The late Lord Holland (who was, perhaps, the fattest man of his height in England), and his brother Charles, coming out of the Thatched-house one night together, a chair was called for the former, who, altering his mind, agreed to go home in his brother’s carriage, which was in waiting: the chairmen, however, being disappointed, he gave them a shilling. “Long life to your lordship,” says Paddy; “sixpence more to the poor chairmen.” “What!” says he, “have I not given you your full fare?” “O, yes, your lordship; but _consider the fright_.”

GARRICK AN ACTOR ON AND OFF THE STAGE.

Foote being at supper one night at the Bedford coffee-house, just after Garrick had performed Macbeth, the conversation very naturally turned on the merits of that great performer, when, after many eulogiums on the universality of his powers, it was admitted, on all hands, that he was the first actor _on_ any _stage_. “By G--d, gentlemen,” says Foote, “I don’t think you have above half said enough of him; for I think him not only the greatest actor _on_, but _off_ the stage.”[D]

DR. JOHNSON ON A SCOTCH PROSPECT.

When Dr. Johnson was in Scotland, amongst other curiosities shewn him, he was taken to a very ancient and high castle, which was reckoned to command the most extensive views of any in the country. “Well, sir,” says his guide, “what do you think of this prospect?” “It is the finest in all Scotland,” says the doctor; “for I can here see _the road to England_.”

DR. JOHNSON ON THE RECONCILIATION OF WOMEN.

Dr. Johnson sitting one night with a number of ladies and gentlemen of his acquaintance, the ladies, by way of heightening the good humour of the company, agreed to toast ordinary women. In this round, one of the ladies gave an old housekeeper of Dr. Johnson’s, blind of an eye, and another matched her with Dr. Goldsmith. This whimsical union so pleased the former lady, that though she had some pique with the latter in the beginning of the night, she ran round the table, kissed her, and said she forgave her every thing that happened for the _’propos_ of her last toast. “Ay,” says Johnson, “this puts me in mind of an observation of Swift’s, that the quarrels of women are made up like those of ancient kings,--_there is always an animal sacrificed on the occasion_.”

REHEARSING A FUNERAL.

Lord Chesterfield, a little before his death, was so infirm, that, whenever he went out in his coach, the horses were generally led step by step. In this situation he was one morning met by an acquaintance, who congratulated his lordship on being able to take the air. “I thank you kindly, sir,” says his lordship; “but I do not come out so much for the air, as for the benefit of _rehearsing my funeral_.”

BEST SORT OF LANGUAGE FOR THE PULPIT.

The vicar in a certain village in England, returning one Sunday from church, was thus accosted by an opulent farmer: “Well, doctor,” said he, “you be gwain on pretty well now; but why dount ye gi’ us now and than a scrap of Latin?” “Why,” said the vicar, “if I had thought it had been your wish, I should have had no objection, but for one thing--I am afraid you would not understand it.” “That,” said the other, “is nout to you; as we do pay vor the best, we oft to ha’ the best.”

HOGARTH’S NO-DEDICATION.

Hogarth wrote a History of the Arts, which he intended to publish as a supplement to the _Analysis of Beauty_, and even went so far as to write the dedication for it, which was as follows:--

“The no-dedication; not dedicated to any prince in Christendom, for fear it might be thought an idle piece of arrogance; not dedicated to any man of quality, for fear it might be thought too assuming; not dedicated to any learned body of men, as either of the Universities, or the Royal Society, for fear it might be thought an uncommon piece of vanity; nor dedicated to any one particular friend, for fear of offending another; therefore, dedicated to nobody: but if, for once, we may suppose nobody to be every body, as every body is often said to be nobody, then is this work dedicated to every body, by their most humble and devoted WILLIAM HOGARTH.”

A COMPLIMENT TO EXTRAORDINARY TALENT.

Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him, in the theatrical phrase, how much money it would hold. “Sir,” says Rich, “that question I am at present unable to answer; but were you to appear but one night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.”

FRIENDS.

Some English officers, drinking in their tent, asked the chaplain for a toast. “The King of France.” “What! our foe?” said the colonel. “You live by him,” said the chaplain. The colonel, in his turn, gave “The Devil.” “Do you mean to affront me?” exclaimed the chaplain. “You live by him,” said the colonel, very coolly; “do you not, my good doctor?”

POVERTY A VIRTUE.

Dr. R---- maintained that poverty was a virtue. “That,” replied Mr. Canning, “is literally making a virtue of necessity.”

ANECDOTE OF JOE MILLER.

Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby Captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. “I don’t use to give the wall,” said he, “to every jackanapes.” “But I do,” said Joe, and so made way for him.

FOUL WIND.

A gentleman having a remarkably bad breath, was met by Lord Thurlow in Pall Mall, who, seeing him booted and spurred, asked him where he had been? “I have been taking the air this morning,” says he, “which was rather disagreeable too, as I had a d--d north wind full in my face all the time.” “Come, come,” says his lordship; “don’t you complain: the north wind had the worst of it.”

LORD NORBURY.

Lord Norbury, happening to drive out in the neighbourhood of Kingstown, was accosted by a poor person in want of employment. His lordship asked him many questions, and, amongst others, his name, and what business he followed. He said, “his name was Pew, and he was a labourer.” “Why, Pew,” replied his lordship, “you should have had a permanent situation in the church.”

LENIENT JUDGMENT.

There was once a man of a peculiarly gentle temper--a man of mere milk--a perfect Nathaniel, whom nobody could ever provoke to say so much as an ill word of any body. The most atrocious villains who came to the gallows were pitied by this man. He found an excuse for every folly--a pardon for every crime. Somebody, at last, by way of trying his temper, related to him the whole story of Nero--how he killed his mother, set fire to Rome, and would have slain his whole people by one blow if he could. “What--what do you think of that man?” inquired the narrator at last, expecting to hear him pronounced upon as a monster in human shape. “Why,” said the man of sillibub, “I think he must have been a _wag_!”

TECHNICAL REMARK.

A printer observing two bailiffs pursuing an ingenious but distressed author, remarked, “that it was a new edition of ‘The Pursuits of Literature,’ _unbound_, but _hot-pressed_.”

SHERIDAN AND THE GREAT SEAL.

At a canvas, in which Sheridan was engaged at Westminster, soon after the Great Seal of England was so strangely abstracted, the mob saluted him with loud cries of,--“Who stole the Seal? Sherry stole the Seal,” &c.; and one fellow at last exclaimed, “I suppose if there had been a watch at it, he would have stolen it too.” “No,” said Sheridan; “if there had been a _watch_ at it, it probably would not have been stolen at all.”

WELL-SUSTAINED CONVERSATION.

A country gentleman of great taciturnity, and whose servant quite understood all his ways, was one day crossing a bridge, when he took it into his head to look back and ask his attendant if he liked eggs. John answered, “Yes,” and no more passed at that time. Exactly on that day twelvemonth, he happened to cross the same bridge, about the same hour of the day. “How?” cried he to the servant, who rode behind him. John, not _behind_ in one respect, instantly replied, “Poached, sir.” The conversation then dropped.

SHERIDAN AND DIGNUM.

On the 5th of December, 1803, Mr. Reynolds, the prolific dramatist, produced a musical afterpiece at Drury-Lane, entitled, “The Caravan; or, the Driver and his Dog.” There was some pretty music in it, composed by Reed, and it had a very great run, and brought much money to the treasury. The chief attraction of the piece was a dog called Carlo. “One day, Mr. Sheridan having dined with me,” says Kelly in his Memoirs, “we went to see the performance of this wonderful dog; as we entered the green-room, Dignum (who played in the piece) said, ‘Sir, there is no guarding against illness; it is truly lamentable to stop the run of a successful piece like this--’ ‘Really! what?’ cried Sheridan, interrupting him. ‘I am so unwell!’ continued Dignum, ‘that I cannot go on longer than to-night.’ ‘You!’ exclaimed Sheridan, ‘my good fellow, you terrified me; I thought you were going to say that the dog was taken ill.’”

SODORIFIC AND SOPORIFIC.

A medical practitioner, who occasionally jests with his patients, being visited by one who was hypochondriac, and fancied himself ill of a fever, he gave the following prescription:--“_Recipe--A washerwoman_.” On being asked the reason for this curious order, he replied, “He knew nothing better for the cure of such fevers than medicine at once _sud-orific_ and _soap-orific_.”

LAUGHABLE MISPRINT.

In the newspaper account of an inquest held on the body of a glutton, who died by devouring part of a goose, the verdict _suffocation_ was misprinted _stuffocation_.

SHERIDAN AND LORD THURLOW.

Sheridan was dining with the black-browed Chancellor, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immoveable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, “Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.”

RIVAL SHOEMAKERS.

Two rival shoemakers, who lived directly opposite to each other, in one of the streets near the west end of London, and whose opposition was not in situation alone, but in every matter connected with business, carried on for a long time a war of advertisements and placards, till at last, one of them, to signify the purity of his style of doing business, got his doorway adorned with the classic sentence, “Mens conscia recti.” This the other conceived to be an advertisement of something in the line of business; and, as he was a lady’s shoemaker also, he got his door ornamented with the following improved reading of the apothegm,--“Men’s and Women’s conscia recti.”

EDINBURGH CASTLE.

As a person was shewing Dr. Johnson the castle of Edinburgh, he mentioned to him a tradition that some part of it had been standing 300 years before Christ. “Much faith,” replied the doctor in his usual manner, “is due to tradition; and that part of the fortress which was standing at so early a period, must undoubtly have been _the rock_ upon which it was founded!”

TALL TOPHAM.

A Mr. Topham, who was many inches above the usual stature of men, used to tell an amusing story of himself. Going once to inquire for a person, he looked in at the window over the door, and asked an old woman who sat by the fire if her husband was at home. “No, sir,” said she; “but if you will please to _alight_ and come in, I will go and call him.”

LENT NOT GIVEN.

A gentleman happening to have high words with a butcher in St. James’s market, was at last so provoked, that he raised his cane, and threatened to give him a good dressing. “No Master,” said his antagonist, “it shall only be lent, and I will take care it shall be repaid with interest.”

NOVEL PHRASE IN A PETITION.

There was little piety in the army in the reign of the second George. It is told of an officer, who was desirous of presenting a petition to that monarch, and who requested a friend’s assistance in drawing it up, that, finding it concluded as usual, “And your petitioner shall ever pray,” he exclaimed, “_Pray!_ I never prayed in my life, and shall not begin now: why should I tell a lie to his majesty?” So he substituted, “And your petitioner shall ever _fight_.” The king laughed heartily at this eccentricity, and granted the officer his request.

TAKING A PLACE.

In a country playhouse, after the play was over, and most wretchedly performed, an actor came upon the stage to give out the next play. “Pray,” says a gentleman, “what is the name of the piece you have played to-night.” “The Stage-coach, sir.” “Then let me know when you perform it again, that I may be an outside passenger.”

ANSER CAPITOLINUS.

“Boy, what have you got before you there?” cried a pursy old doctor of divinity, who sat at the head of a table in one of the colleges of Oxford, to a young man a good way down. “Anser Capitolinus,” cried the boy in reply. “A capital answer,” roared the doctor; “send me a wing.”

LORD BATEMAN.

In 1781, Lord Bateman waited upon the king, and with a very low bow, begged to know “at what hour his majesty would please to have the stag hounds turned out.” “I cannot exactly answer that,” replied the king, “but I can inform you, that your lordship was turned out about two hours ago.” The Marquis Caermarthen succeeded him.

WAY TO TURNHAM GREEN.

Oliver Goldsmith being at supper one night with a lady, who was making an apology for the brownness of her pickles, very gravely desired her to send them to Hammersmith. “To Hammersmith, doctor!” says the lady; “why, is there any thing particular in that place?” “O yes, madam,” says he, “that is the _way to Turn’em Green_.”

A JIBE AT THE SCOTCH.

In a company where Johnson and Foote were together, the emigration of the Scotch to London became the subject of conversation: Foote insisted that the emigrants were as numerous in the former, as in the present reign; the doctor the contrary: this dispute continued with a friendly warmth for some time, when Johnson called out, “You are certainly wrong, Sam; but I see how you are deceived; you cannot distinguish them now as formerly, for the fellows all come _breeched_ to the capital of late years.”

POLITICAL BON-MOT.

Some one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley that in his arrangements of the ministry, “His brother the Duke had thrown him overboard.” “Yes,” said the Marquis, “but I trust I have strength enough left to swim _to the other side_.”

FROG MORGAN.

Frog Morgan, a barrister of very diminutive size, before he was much known at the bar, had commenced an argument, when Lord Mansfield, not aware of his stature, called upon him repeatedly to get up, conceiving that he was not addressing the court standing. “My lord, I am up,” screamed out the little man; “and I have been up these ten minutes.”

SERGEANT PRINCE.

Sergeant Prince, a contemporary of Murphy, the translator of Tacitus, has described that gentleman as the most lengthy and soporific speaker of his time. Bar, Bench, jurors, attorneys--nay, even the javelin-men, nodded under their somnolescent influence. A counsel getting up to reply to him, began, “Gentlemen, the long speech of the learned sergeant----” “I beg your pardon, sir,” interrupted Mr. Justice Nares, “you might say the long soliloquy of the learned sergeant, for my brother Prince has been talking an hour to himself.”

UNATTACKABLE.

An officer was defending himself before Sir Sydney Smith for not having attacked a certain post, because he had considered it _unattackable_. “Sir,” said the gallant chief, “that word is not in English.”

BIBLICAL COMMENT.

At the commencement of the French revolutionary war, an honest farmer, who read his Bible every Sunday, went to his rector, and asked him whether he did not think that the contest would go very hard with the French? The rector replied, that, if pleased God, he hoped it would. “Nay,” said the farmer, “I am sure it will then; for it is said by the prophet Ezekiel, chap. xxxv. verse 1, ‘Son of man, set thy face against _Mount Sier_;’ now, my wife, who is a better scholar than I am, says this can be nothing but _Mounseer_, the Frenchman; and in almost the next verse it is still stronger, for there the prophet adds, ‘O, _Mount Sier_, I am against thee and I will make thee most desolate.’”

DANGER OF DOING HOMAGE.

Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant, who served George the Third, was a great favourite with the good old king, and was admitted to the honours of the Royal Hunt. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered, in his usual affable manner, into conversation with him, riding side by side with him, for some distance. Lord Walsingham was in attendance, and watching an opportunity, whispered to Mr. Carbonel, that he had not once taken off his hat before his majesty. “What’s that, what’s that, Walsingham!” inquired the good-humoured monarch. Mr. Carbonel at once said, “I find I have been guilty of unintentional disrespect to your majesty, in not taking off my hat; but your majesty will please to observe that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig to my head, and I am on the back of a high-spirited horse; so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together.” The king laughed heartily at this whimsical apology.

SHERIDAN’S GREEK.

Lord Belgrave having clenched a speech in the House of Commons with a long Greek quotation, Sheridan, in reply, admitted the force of the quotation so far as it went; “But,” said he, “had the noble lord proceeded a little farther, and completed the passage, he would have seen that it applied the other way.” Sheridan then spouted something, _ore rotundo_, which had all the _ais_, _ois_, _kous_, and _koes_, that gave the world assurance of a Greek quotation; upon which Lord Belgrave very promptly and handsomely complimented the honourable member on his readiness of recollection, and frankly admitted that the continuation of the passage had the tendency ascribed to it by Mr. Sheridan, and that he had overlooked it at the moment when he gave his quotation. On the breaking up of the House, Fox, who piqued himself on having some Greek, went up to Sheridan, and asked him, “Sheridan, how came you to be so ready with that passage? It certainly is as you say, but I was not aware of it before you quoted it.” It is almost unnecessary to observe that there was no Greek at all in Sheridan’s impromptu.

SHERIDAN AND CUMBERLAND.

When the “School for Scandal” came out, Cumberland’s children prevailed upon their father to take them to see it: they had the stage-box; their father was seated behind them; and, as the story was told by a gentleman, a friend of Sheridan’s, who was close by, every time the children laughed at what was going on on the stage, he pinched them, and said, “What are you laughing at, my dear little folks? you should not laugh, my angels; there is nothing to laugh at;” and then, in an under tone, “Keep still, you little dunces.” Sheridan having been told of this long afterwards, said, “It was very ungrateful in Cumberland to have been displeased with his poor children for laughing at _my comedy_; for I went the other night to see _his tragedy_, and laughed at it from beginning to end.”

WHIMSICAL PUN.

When the Marquis of Tullibardin was at Cambridge, he was made the subject of a pun, by the young waggish Cantabs, in the following manner: they took their opportunity and locked the young nobleman up in his apartments, and then calling to their fellows with much clamour, shouted, “See Cicero in prison!” The Marquis was then expostulating through the open window, and begging to be released. “Cicero in prison!” said the puzzled Cantabs, not comprehending the joke. “Yes,” said the joker, “it is _Tully-barr’d-in_.”

ANECDOTE OF PARSON PATEN.

Parson Paten was so much averse to the Athanasian Creed that he would never read it. Archbishop Secker having been informed of his recusancy, sent the archdeacon to ask him his reason:--“I do not believe it,” said the priest. “But your metropolitan does,” replied the archdeacon. “It may be so,” rejoined Mr. Paten, “and he can well afford it; he believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I only at that of fifty pounds.”

SCRIPTURE AUTHORITY.

A quaker married a woman of the Church of England. After the ceremony, the vicar asked for his fees, which he said were a crown. The quaker, astonished at the demand, said, if he would show him any text in the Scripture which proved his fees were a crown, he would give it unto him: upon which the vicar directly turned to the twelfth chapter of Proverbs, verse 4th, where it is said, “A virtuous woman is a _crown_ to her husband.” “Thou art right,” replied the quaker, “in thy assertion; Solomon was a wise man; here are the five twelvepenny pieces, and something beside to buy thee a pair of gloves.”

MEANING OF THE VERB “TO DOCTOR.”

A physician being out a-shooting one whole morning without killing any thing, his servant begged leave to go over into the next field, for he was sure there was some birds there; “and,” adds the man, “if there are, I’ll _doctor_ them.” “Doctor them,” says the master, “what do you mean by that?” “Why, _kill_ them, sir.”

CHARLES II. AND DR. BUSBY.

King Charles II., on a certain time, paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the doctor strutted through his school with his hat on his head, while his majesty walked complacently behind him, with his own hat under his arm; but when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor, with great humility, thus addressed the king: “I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.”

MOUNTAIN ANECDOTE.

A party had once climbed a considerable way up the usual track on the side of the Skiddaw, when a gentleman (a stranger to the rest of the company) who had given frequent broad hints of his being a man of superior knowledge, said to the guide, “Pray, what is the highest part of this mountain?” “The top, sir,” replied the guide.

LONG BIT.

“Your horse has a tremendous long bit,” said a friend to Theodore Hook. “Yes,” said he, “it is a _bit_ too long.”

SADDLEWISE.

“Shall I cut this loin of mutton saddlewise?” said a gentleman carving. “No,” said his friend, cut it bridlewise, for then we may all chance to get a _bit_ in our mouths.

A BLACK JOKE.

A negro passing along Fleet Street, was astonished at hearing a voice call out, “How d’ye do, Massa Mungo; How d’ye do, Snowball?” and, on looking up, observed it proceeded from a parrot in a splendid gilt cage. “Aha, Massa parrot,” said Blackee, “you great man here, you live in gold house now; but me know your fader very well, he live in bush.”

AN ILLEGAL SOLICITOR.

An attorney being much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. “A beggar!” exclaimed the man, “I would have you know I am of the same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors?” “That may be, friend; yet there is this difference--you are not a legal one, which I am.”

NO STRANGER OF ME.

A parson who had a scolding wife, one day brought home a brother clergyman for dinner. Having gone into a separate apartment to talk to his spouse about the repast, she attacked and abused him for bringing a parcel of idle fellows to eat up their income. The parson, provoked at her behaviour, said, in a pretty loud tone, “If it were not for the stranger, I would give you a good drubbing.” “Oh!” cried the visitor, “I beg you will make no stranger of me.”

NIMROD AND RAMROD.

A gentleman, who thought his sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, gave them the appellation of _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.

THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS.

When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription. “No, truly, doctor,” said Nash; “if I had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window.”

LUDICROUS THREAT.

A very young officer, striking an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions, was unable to reach any higher than his legs. The grenadier, upon this infantine assault, gravely took off his cap, and holding it over the officer by the tip, said, “Sir, if you were not my officer, I would _extinguish_ you.”

SMALL CAPITAL.

Tom Brown having once asked a man how he contrived to live in these hard times? was answered, “Why” Master Brown, “I live, as I believe you do, _by my wits_.” “Truly,” replied Tom, “you must be a much more able trader than I ever thought you, to carry on business, and live upon so _small a capital_.”

GOODNESS OF GEORGE I.

The king leaning carelessly out of a window, with the skirts of his coat gaping behind, a stout scullion perceiving the favourable situation, and mistaking his sacred majesty for one of the cooks, advanced on tiptoe, and, with a well extended arm, discharged a heavy blow on the royal buttocks. “Zounds!” cried the king, “what the devil’s the matter now?” The poor woman, thinking herself undone, fell upon her knees, and excused herself by protesting she had mistaken his majesty for Bertrand. “Well,” replied the king, rubbing briskly the aching part, “if it had been Bertrand, where was the necessity of striking so hard?”

PRESSING REASON.

A spunger was reproached one day for dining so often among his friends. “What would you have me to do?” answered he; “I am _pressed_ to do it.” “True,” answered Monk Lewis, “there is nothing more _pressing_ than hunger.”

ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

Buck, the player at York, was asked how he came to turn his coat twice: he replied, smartly, that “one good _turn_ deserved another.”

EFFECTIVE SERMON.

Dean Swift once preached a charity sermon at St. Patrick’s Church, Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors; which coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach another sermon of the like kind, in the same place, he took special care to avoid falling into the former error. His text was, “He that hath pity upon the poor, lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given, will He pay him again.” The dean, after repeating his text in a more than commonly emphatical tone, added, “Now my beloved brethren, you hear the terms of this loan: if you like the security, down with your dust.” It is worthy of remark, that the quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced a very large contribution.

PURGATORY.

The Count de Villa Medinna, being at church one day, and finding there a Religious who begged for the souls in purgatory, he gave him a piece of gold. “Ah! my lord,” said the good father, “you have now delivered a soul.” The count threw upon the plate another piece: “Here is another soul delivered,” said the Religious. “Are you positive of it?” replied the count. “Yes, my lord,” replied the monk, “I am certain they are now in heaven.” “Then,” said the count, “I’ll take back my money, for it signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls are already got to heaven; there can be no danger of their returning again to purgatory.” And he immediately gave the pieces to the poor that were standing by.

ANECDOTE OF SHERIDAN.

In the midst of his distresses, Sheridan had one day invited a party of friends to dine with him, amongst whom were a few noblemen of the Opposition party; but, upon examining his cellar, a terrible deficiency was found. He was largely in debt to Chalier, the great wine-merchant, and for two years had been unable to obtain from him any further credit. He put his imagination to work and tried the following expedient. He sent for Chalier on the day of the dinner in question, and told him that luckily he was just in cash, and wished to settle his account. Chalier was much pleased; but told him, as he had not the account with him, he would return home and bring it. He was about to leave the room, when, as if upon sudden recollection, Sheridan said, “Oh, Chalier, by-the-by, you must stop and dine with me to-day; I have a party to whom I will introduce you--some leading members of both Houses.” Chalier, who was fond of good company, and also hoped to meet with a recommendation, was obliged to Sheridan for the offer, and promised to be with him at the hour appointed. Upon his return home, he informed the clerk of his cellars that he was going to dine with Mr. Sheridan, and probably should not be home till it was late. Sheridan had fixed the hour of six to Chalier, but desired him to come before that time, as he had much to say to him in private. At about five o’clock, Chalier came to his appointment, and he was no sooner in the house, than Sheridan sent off a servant, with a note to the clerk, desiring him, as Mr. Chalier was favouring him with his company, to send, as soon as possible, three dozen of Burgundy, two dozen of claret, and two dozen of port, with a dozen of old hock. The clerk, knowing his master was at Sheridan’s, and thinking that the order came with his concurrence, immediately obeyed it. After dinner, every body praised the fine qualities of Sheridan’s wines, and all were desirous of knowing who was his wine-merchant. Sheridan, turning towards Chalier, said, “I am indebted to my friend here for all you have tasted, and am proud to recommend him.”

MATCHES.

It was told Lord Chesterfield, that Mrs. M----, a termagant and scold, was married to a gamester; on which his lordship said, “that cards and brimestone made the best matches.”

LITTLE MONEY.

Mr. Money, a little dapper man, was dancing at the York Assembly with a tall lady of the name of Bond; on which Sterne said, “There was a great bond for a little money.”

FRIENDS AT COURT.

A gentleman, begging Villiers, the witty Duke of Buckingham, to employ his interest for him at court, added, that he had nobody to depend on but God and his grace. “Then,” said the duke, “your condition is desperate: you could not have named any two beings who have less interest at court.”

CONFESSION.

Some time after a late nobleman had abjured the Roman Catholic religion, he was sent ambassador to France, where he resided several years. Being one day at an entertainment, a noble duke, his near relation, rallying him on the score of religion, asked his lordship whether the ministers of state, or the ministers of the gospel, had the greatest share in his conversion. “Good God, my lord duke!” replied the witty peer, “how can you ask me such a question? Do you not know that when I quitted the Roman Catholic religion I left off confession?”

WIT OF A RESURRECTIONIST.

A large party of soldiers surprising two resurrection men in a churchyard, the officer, seizing one of them, asked him what he had to say for himself:--“Say, sir!” replied the surgeon’s provider, “why, that we came here to raise a corpse, and not a regiment.”

BREAKING UP OF A NURSERY.

The organ of early destructiveness sometimes exhibits itself in a droll way. The mother of a family was one day saying, that as soon as the youngest child was of such an age, she should break up the nursery. “La, mamma!” said one of the children, “that will be fine sport--I’ll break up the chairs, and John shall break up the tables.”

BOW STREET BON-MOT.

A lady went into the Police Office, Bow Street, and inquired the price of some fur and silk articles. Townsend quizzingly replied, “Oh, ma’am, we’re all fair and above board--we’ve no cloaks here.” To which the lady rejoined, “Sir, I beg pardon; I really thought that this was the celebrated _pelisse office_.”

A YORKSHIRE EATING MATCH.

There was a famous eating match at a village in Yorkshire, between two men, named Gubbins and Muggins, which caused a great deal of interest in the neighbourhood; and a countryman, leaving the place before the match was decided, was stopped by almost every one on the road with “Who beats? how does the match get on?” &c.: to which he answered, “Why, I doant exactly know--they say Gubbins’ll get it; but I thinks Muggins’ll bet ’un yet, for when I leaft he was oanly two geese and a torkey behind him!”

ALL GONE OUT.

A gentleman having appointed to meet his friend on particular business, went to his house and knocked at the door, which was opened by a servant girl. He informed her he wanted her master. “He is gone out, sir,” said she. “Then your mistress will do,” said the gentleman. “She,” said the girl, “is gone out too.” “My business is of consequence,” returned he; “is your master’s son at home?” “No, sir,” replied the girl, “he is gone out.” “That’s unlucky indeed,” replied he; “but perhaps it may not be long before they return; I will step in and sit by your fire.” “Oh, sir,” said the girl, “the fire is gone out too.” Upon which the gentleman bade her inform her master, that he did not expect to be received so coolly.

MUSICAL TASTE.

A gentleman being asked his opinion of the singing of a lady who had not the purest breath, said, “That the words of the song were delightful, but he did not much admire the _air_.”

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIGS AND TORIES.

“Pray, Monsieur l’Ambassadeur,” said the late King of France one day at his levee, “what do you take to be the difference between a Whig and a Tory?” “Please your majesty,” was the reply, “I conceive the difference to be merely nominal; the Tories are Whigs when they want places, and the Whigs are Tories when they have got them.”

THE PRETENDER’S HEALTH.

There was not much wit, but there was some good humour in the reply George II. made to a lady, who, at the first masquerade his majesty was at in England, invited him to drink a glass of wine at one of the _beaufetes_. With this he readily complied, and the lady filling a bumper, said, “Here, mask, the Pretender’s health;” then filling another glass, presented it to the king, who, receiving it with a smile, replied, “I drink with all my heart to the health of all unfortunate princes.”

NO PAY NO PRAY.

When Jonas Hanway once advertised for a coachman he had a great number of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed upon; “But,” said he, “my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business in the stable is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayer; to this, I suppose, you can have no objection?” “Why, as to that, sir,” replied the fellow, “I does not see much to say against it, but I hope you’ll consider it in my wages.”

A COBBLER’S END.

A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens “What was to be seen?” “Oh!” replied he, “only a cobbler’s end.”

MORE THAN I CAN SWALLOW.

An illustrious person told Mr. D----, of C----, that he had drunk two bottles of champagne and six of port. “That,” said Mr. D----, “is more than I can _swallow_;” and if the wit was relished, it was never forgiven.

GIVING UP THE GHOST.

A player performing the Ghost in Hamlet very badly, was hissed; after bearing it a good while, he put the audience in good humour by stepping forward and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely sorry that my humble endeavours to please are unsuccessful; but if you are not satisfied, I must _give up the Ghost_.”

A DEAR WIFE, INDEED.

A gentleman just married telling Foote he had that morning laid out three thousand pounds in jewels for his _dear wife_. “She is truly your _dear_ wife,” replied the wit.

NO VOICE IN THE CITY.

A gentleman passing the evening among some friends in the city, was requested, in his turn, to favour the company with a song; he politely declined it, alleging that he was so indifferent a performer, that any attempt of his would rather disgust than entertain. One of the company, however, asserted that he had a very good voice, and said, he had frequently had the pleasure of hearing him sing. “That may be,” resumed the other, “but as I am not a freeman, I have no voice in the city.”

SUCH SPARKS AS YOU.

As Lady B---- L---- was presiding one evening at the tea-table, one of her ruffles caught the flame of the tea-lamp, and was burned before it could be extinguished. Lord M----, who was of the party, and thought to be witty on the accident, remarked, “He did not think her ladyship so apt _to take fire._” “Nor am I, my lord,” replied she with great readiness, “from _such sparks_ as you.”

LORD TOWNSEND.

At the battle of Dettingen, as Lord Townsend, then a young man, was marching down pretty close to the enemy, he was observed to be so very thoughtful (as is usual with most officers on their first battle) as to take no notice of a drummer’s head that was shot off just before him, though he received some of the brains on his coat. A veteran officer observing this, went up to him, and endeavoured to rouse him, by telling him the best way in these cases was not to think at all. “Oh! dear sir,” says the other, with great presence mind, “you entirely mistake my reverie; I have been only thinking what the devil could bring this little drummer here, who seemed to possess such a _quantity of brains_.”

ACTOR OF ONE PART.

A little after Lord Chatham (then Mr. Pitt) had _changed_ his _political sentiments_ in regard to the protection of Hanover, in the course of replying one day in the house of Commons to Sir Francis Blake Delaval, he threw out some sarcastical reflections on him for appearing on the stage; upon which the other got up and acknowledged it was true; youth and whim led him once to amuse himself that way; but he could safely lay his hand on his heart and say, “_He never acted but one part_.”

SHERIDAN AND THE PLAY-WRITER.

During Sheridan’s management of Drury Lane, an author[E] had produced a play which he offered to Covent Carden, saying, that it would make Drury Lane a _splendid desert_. His play failed; but, soon after, he prevailed on a friend to present a new one to Sheridan. “No! No!” exclaimed the latter, “I can’t agree to connive at putting his former threat into effect.”

THE ESQUIMAUX WOMAN.

Major Cartwright used to relate many curious particulars of this woman; among others, that on being shewn the interior of St. Paul’s, she was so struck with astonishment and awe, that her knees shook under her, and she leaned for support on the person who stood next to her. After a pause of some moments, she exclaimed, in a low and tremulous voice, “Did man make it, or was it found here?”

A SIMPLE MACHINE OUT OF ORDER.

A gentleman, remarkable for having a great deal of lead in his forehead, called one morning on a counsellor, who had asked what news? “Why,” says the other, “I do not know; my head is confoundedly _out of order_ this morning.” “That is extraordinary news, indeed,” says the counsellor. “What! an extraordinary thing for a man to have the headache!” ”No, sir,” says he, “I do not say that; but for so _simple a machine to be out of order_ is extraordinary indeed!”

JOHNSON AND THE CARCASS BUTCHER.

An eminent carcass butcher, equally as meagre in his person as he was in his understanding, being one day in a bookseller’s shop where Doctor Johnson was, took up a volume of poems, and, by way of shewing his taste, repeated with great affectation the following line:--

“Who rules o’er freemen, should himself be free.” “There is poetry for you, doctor, what do you think of that?” “Rank nonsense, sir,” says the other; “it is an assertion without a proof; and _you_ might, with as much propriety, say,--

‘Who slays fat oxen, should himself be fat.’”

QUID RIDES?

A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of “Quid rides?” Two sailors, who had frequented his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating it as two English words, _Quid rides_.

TOASTING CLOTH.

A child having got a flannel cloth to dry, while his mother was busied otherwise, held it so close to the fire that it soon began to change colour. “Mamma,” he cried, “is it enough when it looks brown?”

ETYMOLOGISTS.

Dr. Parr being asked who was his immediate predecessor in the mastership of the free school at Norwich, replied, “It was Barnabas Leman, an honest man, but without learning, and very tyrannical in his discipline. This man had the impudence to publish, by a half-guinea subscription, what he called an ‘English Derivative Dictionary,’ in quarto. He pretended to find a derivation for every word in Saxon, German, Dutch, Latin, Greek, and Hebrew. No matter what the word was, whether culinary or vernacular, he undertook to find its etymology. Coming to ‘pig’s pettytoes’ (a Norfolk way of dressing the feet of sucking pigs), he was a little puzzled, but it did not stop him; so he wrote, as it now stands in the book, ‘Pig’s petty-toes--a dish of which the author of this Dictionary is very fond.’”

There lately resided in an Ayrshire village, a man who, like Leman, proposed to write an Etymological Dictionary of the English language. Being asked what he understood the word _pathology_ to mean, he answered, with great readiness and confidence, “Why, the art of _road-making_, to be sure.”

MR. ABERNETHY.

A lady, very much afflicted with nervous complaints, went to consult the celebrated surgeon, Mr. Abernethy. The rough and caustic manner in which he catechised her, so discomposed the fair one’s weak spirits, that she was thrown into a fit of hysterics. On parting, she put the usual fee into his hand, in the form of a one pound note and a shilling. Mr. Abernethy pocketed the note with one hand, and with the other presented the shilling to her, saying, gravely, “Here, madam, take the shilling; go to the next toy-shop, buy a skipping-rope, and use it every day; it will do you more good than all my prescriptions!”

INESTIMABLE VALUE OF A TAIL.

A monkey-faced fellow offered himself to Garrick as an actor. “It will not do,” says Garrick; “but if you had a tail, no money should part us.”

TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.

One meeting an acquaintance, who was a printer by profession, inquired of him, “If it was true Mr.---- had put a period to his existence?” “No, no,” replied the typographer, “he had only put a colon, for he is now in a fair way of recovery.”

STOCK-JOBBERS.

A carpenter in Dorsetshire was employed to make a pair of stocks for the parish, for which he charged a good round sum. One of the parochial officers said, “You have made a good deal by that job.” “Yes,” said Master Chip, “we stock-jobbers always attend to our own interest.”

COURAGE.