Chapter I: Don’t Drink Milk

A gentleman, a professed wit, was invited to tea; an opportunity of displaying his powers before the ladies soon occurred. The lady of the house that evening had milk for tea instead of cream. When the wit was asked if he drank cream, “Yes, ma’am,” says he, “but I don’t drink milk.” The old gentleman was so offended at this unreasonable reply, that he ordered the fellow to walk down stairs, and receive the cream of his jest.

LOST MONEY.

“What is that you have found?” said Dr.---- to a little boy going along the streets. “A sixpence, sir,” answered the boy. “Let me see it?” said the doctor: “Now my dear, be sure to tell the person who has lost it (putting it in his pocket) that he will get it again, if he calls at my house, St. ---- Square.”

A FREE TRANSLATION.

A professor had a great partiality for certain young noblemen who attended his class, and gave them certificates for proficiency which they did not deserve. Among his pupils was a poor lad, whose abilities the professor despised merely on account of his homely garb and simplicity of manners. One day the professor wished to give his favourites a laugh at the poor fellow’s expense. “Here sir,” said he, “I will give you three Latin words, our city’s motto, which if you translate into English immediately, I will perhaps conceive a better opinion of you than I have done of late: the words run thus, _Nisi dominus frustra_.” The lad without much thinking, stood up and began, “_Nisi dominus frustra._ Unless we are lord’s sons, it is vain to come here.”

A “SINGLE” PIG.

A butcher of this city bored the ears of his guinea pig, and inserted into them a pair of large ear-rings. As the guinea pig lay before his door one summer day its ludicrous appearance attracted the attention of a gentleman and his daughter who were passing by; the gentleman called the butcher by name, and enquired of him how he came to dress his pig so fancifully? “Why,” said the honest butcher, “to tell you the truth, it is because she’s single, and I wish to get her off.”

WHISTON’S DEFENCE OF TRUTH.

Whiston was much taken notice of after his expulsion from Cambridge, and had the friendship of all the eminent Whigs then in London: among these, Secretary Craggs, Addison, Steele, Mr. Walpole, Sir Joseph Jekyl, Sir Peter King, and Lord Chief Justice Parker, were his most intimate. Dining one day with Mr. Craggs, when Addison, Walpole, and Steele were present, the conversation happened to turn on this point, “Whether a secretary of state could be an honest man, as to his veracity in dealing with foreign courts, consistent with the good of his country?” Craggs said it was impossible; Addison and Steele were of the contrary opinion. Having long debated this matter with some warmth, during all which time Mr. Whiston continued silent, Mr. Walpole insisted on his giving his opinion: he begged to be excused, as not having made politics at all his study, though the moral duties between man and man he thought very plain. Being pressed strongly to speak his sentiments, he said he was very clear that the duty of speaking truth was so strong, that no apprehension of any inconvenience arising from it could be a sufficient reason against it: that it was not always our duty to speak, but when we did speak it should be the truth, without any prevarication: and that he did firmly believe, if ministers of state did in general practise it, they would even find their account in it. To which Mr. Craggs replied warmly, “It might do for a fortnight perhaps, Mr. Whiston, but it would not hold.” Whiston immediately asked, “Pray, Mr. Craggs, did you ever try it for a fortnight?” To this no answer was returned. Walpole cried out, “Mr. Whiston, truth has prevailed; Craggs is convicted.”

WEWITZER’S SPENCER.

Mr. Wewitzer, late of Drury Lane Theatre, a gentleman no less distinguished for his merit as an actor and his good character as a man, than for the amenity of his manners and the neatness of his wit, having given orders to his tailor for a spencer, asked him how much it would cost. “I cannot,” said Stitch, “exactly say, but you may depend on’t, sir, that it will come very _low_.” “Then,” said the wit, “it will not be a spencer.”

DISAPPROBATION.

An actor played a season at Richmond Theatre for the privilege only of having a benefit. When his night came he had to sustain a principal part in the piece. The whole of his audience, however (being thirty in number), gave him every mark of disapprobation, and a great hissing, on which he came forward and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope it will be by at least six times as many as I have here to night.”

WOODWARD.

When Woodward first played _Sir John Brute_, Garrick was induced, from curiosity or perhaps jealousy, to be present. A few days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in the part, adding, “I think I struck out _some_ beauties in it.” “I think,” said Garrick, “that you struck out _all_ the beauties in it.”

TOM WESTON.

Tom Weston, of facetious memory, being in a strolling company in Sussex, when the success was even less than moderate, ran up a bill of three shillings with his landlord, who, waiting on the comedian, insisted on his money immediately. “Make yourself easy, my honest fellow,” said Weston, “for by the gods, I will pay you this night in some shape or another.” “See you do, Master Weston,” retorted the landlord, surlily, “and, d’ye hear, let it be as much in the _shape_ of three shillings as possible.”

DELPHINI.

When Delphini first came to England, his company was much sought after by the great; he was invited to the most fashionable parties in town; this greatly impaired his health; he therefore resolved to lead a more retired life; but invitation upon invitation pouring in upon him, and he not speaking English very well, asked a friend, “_Vat he say, ven de people ax him come tea and sup?_” “Say? why say you have _got other fish to fry_.” In a day or two after this he was met in the street by Lord C----, who told him he was going to have a party that evening, and would be glad if he would favour him with his company. “No,” replied Delphini, “I no come.” “No! why not?” said his lordship. “_Cause I go fry my oder fish._”

The same, when he was discharged from Covent Garden, was met one day by his present majesty, then Prince of Wales, who inquired after his health. “My health very bad, Mr. Prince, I get no _vine now_.” “No wine! that’s bad indeed,” said the Prince; “well, go to my cellarman, and tell him to send you some.” “Yes, I go; God bless you, Mr. Prince.” He accordingly went to the cellarman, and having informed him of the Prince’s orders, he was asked how much he would have, and what sort. He replied, “_Only twelve dozen, and all sort_.”

A CHEMIST’S DIFFICULTY.

A lady, when asked in marriage by a certain chemist, said, “that she had no dislike for him, only she thought that his head was composed of too volatile particles.”

A MAN OF LETTERS.

In a certain literary society where the question was, whether the merchant or the man of letters was of the greatest use to society, one of the members asked if by the man of letters was meant a postman?

GOOD LORD, DELIVER US.

“They say you’re now become a laird,” said Dr. A. to Dr. B., an eminent accoucheur, as he met him on the street and shook him by the hand. “What would they say,” replied the other, “were I to become a lord?” “They would undoubtedly say, _Good lord, deliver us_,” answered the other.

LEARNING LATIN.

A boy when asked if he understood Latin, replied that he did not know, as he had never tried.

EVIDENCE.

“Stand up, and hold up your right hand,” said a judge to a sailor, who had been summoned as a witness in a case of murder, and who had been instructed by some person to repeat what his lordship said to him, and precisely in the same tone in which it was delivered. “Stand up, and hold up your right hand,” replied the other. “What does the fellow mean?” said his lordship amazed. “What does the fellow mean?” answered the other. “This will never do,” said his lordship in a peremptory tone, “you must say the following words after me.” “This will never do; you must say the following words after me, and be d----d!” repeated the sailor.

CASTING REFLECTIONS ON A PROFESSOR.

In the late professor H----’s class, a gentleman’s gilded buttons happened to reflect the sun’s rays upon the professor’s face. The professor, as it may be supposed, ordered the gentleman to desist; the other, ignorant of the matter, with the utmost simplicity, affirmed, “that he would be the last in the class who would cast reflections on the professor.”

A SMART ANSWER.

An aged grey-haired beggar came to the door of a country ale-house in England, where the three greatest wits of the parish were sitting over a jug of the best. When he preferred his usual petition, one of the jocular companions ridiculed his appearance, calling him _Father Abraham_; the second called him _Father Isaac_; the third _Father Jacob_; asserting that he must be one of those reverend personages. But finding he answered to neither of those appellations, they exclaimed, “then who the devil are you?” The old man cast on them a look of contempt as he replied, “I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob: but I am Saul the son of Kish; I was sent to seek my father’s three asses; here I have found them, and here I shall leave them.”

MR. MOORE.

Mr. Moore, the author of many ingenious pieces, being a long time under an expensive prosecution in Doctors’ Commons for marrying two sisters, was called upon one morning by his proctor, as he was writing his excellent tragedy of the _Gamester_: the proctor having a leisure hour, Mr. Moore read him four acts of his piece, which were all at that time finished. The proctor was so affected by it, that he exclaimed, “Good God! how can you possibly add to this couple’s distress in the last act?” “Oh, very easily,” says the poet; “there I intend to put them both into the _spiritual court_.”

THE ITALIANS AND THE WAITER.

An Italian singer, at the Opera House, who had but lately arrived in this country, and not speaking English, was so anxious to acquire it, that he always had in his pocket an Italian and English dictionary; and being in general accompanied by a friend who spoke a little better than himself, he determined to practise nothing else. On his first visit to an Orange coffee-house, he placed himself before the fire and called “Vater, vater,” but to no purpose. His friend whispered to him--“He’s no vater at all--he’s vaiter.” “Oh den, vaiter, vaiter.” “What do you want, gentlemen?” “Medin, medin.” “I do not understand,” said the waiter. His friend again whispered--“He’s no medin, he’s dinne me.” “An! dinne me,” repeats the other. “Oh, _dinner_,” says the waiter; “what would you like to have?” “One large porkshop.” “The devil you will,” said the waiter: “what, a whole porkshop?” His friend whispers--“He no porkshop--he’s one pork chops.” “Oh, pork chops, very well.” The dinner was brought, and after he had dined, he called “Vaiter, vaiter!” “Well sir?” “_Mettez moi_ six or seven turnpikes.” “Seven turnpikes? that’s impossible, sir.” His friend whispers again--“He’s no turnpikes--he’s tiddlepicks.” “Ah! tiddlepicks.” “I do not understand yet, sir.” “No! Got d----n! it is to take it away the meat out ma _tooth_.”

A RIDICULOUS MISTAKE.

A woman once asked another, “Pray, had your mother any children?” Seeing the other laugh, and quickly recollecting herself, “Lord bless me,” says she, “what a ridiculous mistake I made! it was your grandmother I meant.”

CUT DOWN AND CUT UP.

A man just hung, and an author just about publishing a book, are nearly in the same predicament--both are in suspense. But we may observe this striking difference between them, namely--the former will certainly be cut down, while the latter will most probably be cut up.

A COURTIER.

One of our scarlet courtiers, lighting from his great prancing horse at the court gate, called to one that stood by, and bid him hold his horse whilst he walked into the court. The man seemed afraid of the beast, and asked him if he was not unruly, and whether one man might hold him or no; he answered yes very easily. “Nay, then,” said he, “_If it be but one man’s work I would wish you to do it yourself_, for I have other business than to walk horses.”

PICTURES HANGED.

A fantastic gentleman having bespoke divers pictures to furnish a gallery: when the limner brought them home, he would presently dispose them in their several places. “Here,” said he, “hang this, here that, and there that; but at this end, _in full view of the door, will I be hanged myself_.”

A GENTLEMAN AND HIS MISTRESS.

A gentleman, playing on the lute under his mistress’s window; she disdaining his presence and despising his service, caused her servants to pelt him thence with stones; of which disgrace complaining afterwards to a friend of his, his friend told him that he had much mistaken the gentle woman; for what greater grace could she do to your music than _to make the very stones dance about you, as they did to Orpheus_.

ONE FOWLE A GENTLEMAN.

One _Fowle_ by name, petitioning to a great man in this kingdom, was a long while delayed. At length, somewhat importunate, he stirred the nobleman’s patience so far that in a great rage he bad him get him gone for a woodcock as he was, at which the petitioner, smiling, humbly thanked his Lordship for that present courtesy. The lord, turning back and supposing he had flouted, asked him what courtesy? “Why, truly, my lord,” said he, “I have known myself a _Fowle_ these fifty years and upwards, but never knew what fowl till now your lordship told me.” His answer pleased, and his suite was despatched with all possible speed.

AN ABOMINABLE TRUTH.

A notable braggard boasted how it was his chance to meet with two of his arch-enemies at once. “The one,” said he, “I tossed so high in the air, that had he had at his back a baker’s basket full of bread, though he had eaten all the way, he would have been starved in his fall ere he had reached the ground; the other he struck so deep into the earth that he left no more of him to be seen above ground but his head and one of his arms, and those to no other end than to put off his hat to him, as he had occasion to pass that way.”

A PAINTED FACE.

A lady, that used to plaister her face extremely so by art, to repair the decays of nature, was on a time, with divers others, invited abroad to dinner. But one of them, an acquaintance of her’s, wished her by no means to go. “Why?” said my lady. “Marry,” replies the gentleman, “’tis ten to one we shall be wondrous merry, and _you cannot well laugh, for fear of shewing two faces_.”

A TUTOR AND HIS SCHOLAR.

A young lad of a college in Oxford, when he should have been in the public hall at disputations, a little before the time fell asleep, and by that means failed of coming down. His tutor, being then moderator, missed him, and after exercise was done went up to his study, where, finding him asleep, he waked him, chid him for sleeping at that time of day, and angrily asked him why he was not at disputations. The youth, after a little yawning and stretching, replied, “Truly, sir, _I did not dream of it_.”

PETER MARTYR.

One Peter Martyr, a great scholar, and very famous in his time, had been a long time suitor for a bishopric, but was still crossed in his suit. At last four friars-confessors were preferred together to four vacant Sees, and he not remembered, which he hearing of, said, “Methinks amongst so many confessors one _Martyr_ would not have done amiss.”

A YOUNG MASTER OF ARTS.

A young master of arts, the very next day after the commencement, having his course to a common place in the chapel, where were divers that but the day before had taken their degree, chose his text out of the eighth chapter of Job. The words were these: “We are but of yesterday, and know nothing.” “This text,” said he, “doth fitly divide itself into two branches--our standing and our understanding--our standing in these words, ‘_We are but of yesterday_;’ our understanding, ‘_We know nothing_.’”

A TRAVELLER DROWNED.

When a gentleman heard that a traveller, a friend of his, was drowned, he fetched a great sigh and said, “Now God rest his soul, for he is gone the way of all flesh.” “Nay,” said another, then standing by, “if he be drowned, he is rather gone the way of all fish.”

A MONUMENT TO CRANMER.

The High Church at Oxford, having acquired a very large amount of subscribed money to erect a temple or monument in honour of Archbishop Cranmer, was desirous to find a site on the very spot where he was buried. In their search they not only concluded that the spot had been found but also his bones. To make quite certain these were sent for examination to Professor Buckland, who, having examined them, pronounced them to be the bones of a _cow_.

TALLEYRAND.

The wife of an ambassador, in passing before Talleyrand through an ante-room to dinner, the latter looking up, exclaimed significantly, “Ah!” The lady, speaking across the table during dinner, asked him why he said “Oh!” Talleyrand, with a grave, self-vindicatory look, answered, “_Madame, je n’ai pas dit oh! j’ai dit Ah!_”

DENTISTRY IN INDIA.

An English dentist practising in India got a commission to make a set of teeth for the King of Delhi. The prime difficulty was how to obtain the model, as the hand of a Christian in the royal mouth would be counted an abomination. It was at last decided that if his hands were washed in the Ganges contact might be permitted. The teeth suited admirably. One of the courtiers declared they would be good for nothing, and the king, to test them, desired him to put his finger in his mouth and try. The king made a snap and nearly bit the finger in two. Unhappily, the teeth suited so well that the king’s appetite, being enormous, brought on a plethora, which nearly killed him, and the teeth were consigned to the Ganges.

LONDON HOSPITALITY TO MEN OF GENIUS.

Sydney Smith was accustomed to entertain his friends with a description of the _dining_ process by which Londoners extracted all they wanted from new literary lions. “Here’s a new man of genius arrived; put on the stew pan; fry away; we’ll soon get out of him all we want.”

SELLING A HORSE.

A horse dealer had a horse for sale. The intending purchaser, intending to use him as a hunter, was desirous of knowing his leaping qualities, and enquired, “Would he take timber?” “He’d jump over your head,” answers the other; “I don’t know what you call _that_.”

THE PARALLEL OF THE ODYSSEY AND THE RED INDIAN.

Homer relates how in spite of all the precautions of Ulysses, his companions let loose the Bag of the Winds, and he, calmly wrapping his mantle round his head, submits to his fate. The passage is thus translated--

“I then awaking, in my noble mind
Stood doubting, whether from my vessel’s side
Immersed to perish in the flood, or calm
To endure my sorrows and consent to live.
I calm endured them; but around my head
Winding my mantle, laid me down below.”

An Indian chief was lying asleep in his boat, which was fastened to the shore, in the still water above the current of the Niagara Falls. An enemy passing along cut the rope and sent the boat adrift, which was soon hurrying down the cataract. The Indian, awaking, at once saw his danger, and made every effort by means of his paddle to stop the career of the canoe and gain the land. He soon found that his efforts were unavailing, and that his destruction was at hand. He took a draught from his brandy flask, wrapped his mantle about him, and calmly looking forward at the fate awaiting him, went down the Falls.

THE LONDON BIBLIOPOLIST.

An author was entertaining Theodore Hook with a description of a dinner party at which a well known bibliopolist had partaken too freely, when the wit remarked, “Why, you appear to me to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your _book-seller_.”

AN ENTOMOLOGIST’S DINNER.

Sydney Smith, on the occasion of his being invited by his publisher to meet at dinner several distinguished entomologists, suggested as a bill of fare proper for the occasion, “To wit, flea patés, earthworms on toast, caterpillars crawling in cream and removing themselves,” &c., &c.

LORD CHANCELLOR ERSKINE.

This great orator and profound lawyer, among his many qualifications, was signally deficient in his knowledge of the French language. Being in Paris, he was desirous of having several of his friends to dinner, and insisted on writing the notes of invitation himself. On Wednesday, the day appointed, none of his friends appeared, and he was in great perplexity. On inquiry being made if he was certain that his notes were all right, after a short pause, he asked, “Isn’t _Vendredi_ French for Wednesday?”

ROBERT BURNS.

On one occasion at a public dinner, during the feverish times of Jacobinism, the poet was asked for a toast. In response, he gave a Bible toast, “the last verse of the last chapter of the last Book of Kings.” On another occasion, before some high Tories, having to give a toast, he said to the chairman, “You agree that Lords should have their privileges?” “Yes, certainly,” was the reply. “Well, then, I’ll give you the privileges of the Lords of the Creation.”

RICHELIEU’S LIBERALITY.

Fenelon frequently teased Richelieu for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, but quite ineffectually. Telling Richelieu that he had just seen his picture, the latter with a sneer asked “Did you ask it for a subscription?” “No,” answered Fenelon, “I saw there was no chance, it was so like you.”

BISHOP HORSLEY.

In a speech in the House of Lords on the Slave Trade, the worthy Bishop made a quotation on the authority of Mungo Park to the effect “That to such a pitch of elegance and refinement has Africa advanced, that in the bosom, in the very heart of that calumniated country, there are women to be found wearing white petticoats.”

SHABBY DINNERS.

A shabby Amphytrion asked repeatedly a neighbour of his to dine with him. After many refusals he at length accepted an invitation, but found the dinner so meagre and bad that he got scarcely a morsel to eat. When the dishes were removed the host said, “Now the ice is broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you some day.” “Most willingly.” “Name your day, then.” “To-day,” answered the dinnerless guest.

It is told of another, remarkable for absence of mind, that dining at the same sort of shabby repast he fancied himself in his own house, and began to apologise for the wretchedness of the dinner.

IN THE WRONG PLACE.

A young fellow having found his way to a ball-room at Chelsea, was asked by one of the stewards, “What are you?” (meaning to enquire what o’clock it was). Awaking to a lively consciousness of the intrusion of which he had been guilty, he stammered out, “Why, sir, I confess I am a baker, but if you will have the goodness to say no more about it I will instantly leave the room.”

THE RETORT COURTEOUS.

A lady from Vienna was very pronounced in expressing her opinion that “French was spoken wretchedly in London.” Lord Dudley, somewhat stung by the remark, replied, “It is true, madam, we have not enjoyed the advantage of having had the French twice in our capital.”

CHARLES LAMB.

Lamb had for his next neighbour, at dinner, a chattering woman. Observing that he didn’t attend to what she was saying, she remarked, “You don’t seem to be at all the better for what I have been saying to you.” “No, madam,” he answered, “but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other.”

BANNISTER AT SIXTY-FIVE.

Bannister was somewhat sad in finding he had reached his sixty-fifth year, which was exactly the number of his house. Returning home in a melancholy humour, and looking up at the number plate on the door, soliloquised thus: “Aye, you needn’t tell me, I know it; you told me the same thing yesterday.”

THE BRABANTER AND THE SWISS.

A Brabanter, in conversation with a Swiss, charged the latter with always being ready to fight for money, while he (the Brabanter) fought for honour. In reply, the Swiss drily said, “The truth is, we each of us fight for what each most wants.”

CONTENTMENT.

It is told of Lord Muskery, that when on his death-bed, in reviewing his past life, he said, “that he had nothing to reproach himself with, having never through life denied himself any thing.”

CHEAP LIVING.

A man of respectable appearance made a boast of how his eating cost him almost nothing. “On Sunday,” said he, “I always dine with an old friend, and then eat so much that it lasts until Wednesday, when I buy some tripe, which I hate like the devil, and which makes me so sick that I can eat nothing more till Sunday again.”

DUTCH POLITENESS.

A Dutch commercial house in writing to their correspondents in London, concluded their letter as follows:--“Sugars are falling more and more every day; not so the respect and esteem with which we are, &c., &c.”

SMITH THE NABOB.

General Smith, the celebrated Nabob, formed one of a shooting party. During luncheon he enlarged on his want of success, and as an excuse for his bad shooting alleged that he had “spoilt his hand by shooting pea-cocks with the Great Mogul.” On another occasion having invited a large number of friends to his country seat, he had to write putting off the engagement saying, “I find my damned fellow of a steward has, in the meantime, sold the estate.”

LORD KENYON’S PARSIMONY.

Some one remarking on the inaccuracy of the inscription on Lord Kenyon’s tomb, _Mors janna vita_, in the hearing of Lord Ellenborough, the latter remarked that _that_ had been done by Lord Kenyon’s express desire, as he left it in his will that they should not go to the expense of a diphthong.

MISTAKEN.

An old gentleman having fallen sound asleep at the fireside was awakened suddenly by the clatter of the fire-irons all tumbling down, and immediately exclaimed, “What! going to bed without one kiss,” thinking it was the children.

THE POOR AUTHOR AND HIS PUBLISHER.

A poor author received an account from his publisher among the items of which was, “Cellarage, £3 10_s._ 6_d._” He naturally concluded that this was a charge for the trouble of selling the 700 copies which formed the edition, but on further enquiry learned that it was the charge for _cellar_-room, as not a copy had stirred from thence.

DONELLY, THE CHAMPION.

Donelly, the famous Irish champion, had a great fight on at the Curragh. Miss Kelly, a young lady of fine behaviour, had followed him thither, and had wagered her gold watch and chain and her coach and four that he would win. At one time Donelly was getting the worst of it when she exclaimed, “Oh, Donelly, would you have me go back on foot and not know the hour?” on which he rallied and won.

NOVEL WAY TO AVOID PAYING A DEBT.

During the French war, Mr. Pitt was informed by a person named Forth that there were two persons on their way from the north of Europe to assassinate him. Measures were accordingly taken to track their progress, they were seized at Brussells and lay in confinement there for a long time. It afterwards came to be known that instead of being assassins, they were creditors of Forth’s, who were on their way to have him arrested for a large sum, and he took this method to get quit of them.

PAGANINI.

Tom Moore who was present at an opera in London where Paganini performed, writes thus:--“Paganini abuses his powers; he _could_ play divinely, and does sometimes, for a minute or two, but then comes his surprises and his tricks, his bow in convulsions, and his inharmonics like the mewlings of an expiring cat.”

EPITAPH.

Lord Ashburnham was accustomed to quote the following epitaph which he had come across in a country churchyard as a perfect exemplification of poetry, piety, and politeness:

“You who stand around my grave,
And say, ‘His life is gone;’
You are mistaken--pardon me--
My life is but begun.”

COLERIDGE, THE POET.

Coleridge was lodging at Ramsgate, where his reputation as a poet was known. The servant-maid entering his room, informed him that he was wanted, there being a person at the door inquiring for a poet, on going out he found it was the _pot-boy_ from the public-house, whose cry of “Any pots for the Angel?” the girl had mistaken for a demand for a poet.

JOHN KEMBLE’S RIVAL.

John Kemble in performing one of his favourite parts at a country theatre was much interrupted by a squalling baby. Able to endure the rival performance no longer, he walked with solemn step to the front of the stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tones, said, “Ladies and gentlemen, unless the play is stopped the child cannot possibly go on.”

APPETITE OF LOUIS XIV.

“I have seen the king,” says a writer of memoirs, “not once, but often, eat four plates of different soups, an entire pheasant, a partridge, a dish full of salad, a piece of ham, a slice of mutton with gravy, and large quantities of all kinds of _confitures_.”

IGNORANCE OF A FRENCH CURÉ.

A French Curé, in a sequestrated part of the south of France, inquired of an English traveller whether English women wore rings in their noses? to which he replied, “that, in the north of England, near China, it was possible they might, but certainly not in London.”

WORDSWORTH’S OPINION OF HIMSELF.

Among his contemporaries, Wordsworth was generally thought to entertain a very high opinion of himself. At a large dinner party where Sir Humphry Davy was present, he suddenly, in the most epic tone, called from the top of the table to the bottom, “Davy!” and on Davy putting forth his head in awful expectation of what was coming, said, “Do you know why I published the ‘White Doe’ in quarto?” “No, what was it?” “To show the world my own opinion of it.”

A COUNTRY DINNER.

On a certain occasion Sydney Smith set off to dine with a neighbouring clergyman. After toiling along a dusty road, he reached the parsonage hungry and weary. Seated in a small hot-room, a stripling opened the door and beckoned our host out of the room. In a short time he returned looking greatly distressed, saying, “The woman assisting in the kitchen had mistaken the soup for dirty water, and had thrown it out, and so we must do without it.” At last, dinner was announced to our great joy, but, oh ye gods, as we entered the dining room what a gale met our nose! the venison was high, the venison was uneatable, and was obliged to follow on the soup with all speed.

THE HIGHLANDER AND SIR SYDNEY SMITH.

Sir James Mackintosh on one occasion went to sup with Sydney Smith, accompanied by a raw Scotch cousin, an ensign in a Highland regiment. On hearing the name of his host, he nudged Sir James and enquired in an audible whisper, “Is that the great Sir Sydney?” “Yes, yes,” said Sir James, and giving Sydney, the hint, he at once assumed the military character, performed the part of the hero of Acre to perfection, fought all the battles over again, and showed how he had charged the Turk, to the infinite delight of the young Scotsman, who was charmed with the kindness and condescension of the great Sir Sydney. Meanwhile, however, the other guests were suffering severe torture and nearly burst with suppressing laughter. In return for the kindness he had received, nothing would content the young Highlander but that he must set off about twelve o’clock at night to fetch the piper of the regiment to pipe to the “Great Sir Sydney,” who said he had never heard the bagpipes. Before he returned, the company had dispersed. Sir James declaring he would be decapitated if he remained. A few days after this occurrence Sir James and his cousin met Sydney Smith, with his wife leaning on his arm. He introduced her as his wife, upon which the young Highlander whispered to Sir James, and looking at the lady, “I did na ken the great Sir Sydney was married.” “Why, no,” said Sir James, winking at him, “not ex-act-ly married--only an Egyptian slave he brought over with him; Fatima, you know, you understand.”

SYDNEY SMITH’S COUNTRY COUSIN.

A country cousin used sometimes to visit Sydney Smith--a simple, warm-hearted rustic. It was his custom occasionally to have some of his friends to supper, and on their arrival she would come to him and whisper, “Now Sydney, I know that these are all remarkable men, do tell me who they are?” “Oh, yes,” said he, laughing. “That is Hannibal,” pointing to Mr. Whishaw, “he lost his leg in the Carthagenian war; and that is Socrates,” pointing to Luttrell; “and that is Solon,” pointing to Horner. The girl opened her ears, eyes, and mouth with admiration, yet half believing that Sydney was making fun of her.

SCOTTISH METAPHYSICS.

The Scottish people are thought to be so imbued with metaphysics, that even in love the passion discovers itself. On one occasion at a ball, Sydney Smith overheard a young lady of his acquaintance, in a pause in the music, remark to her partner, “What you say, my lord, is very true in the _abstract_, but----” here the fiddlers began, and the rest was lost.

DESIRE TO ROAST A QUAKER.

Sydney Smith confessed to a friend that he had one little weakness--one secret wish--“he should like to roast a Quaker.” “Good heavens, no, Smith!” said his friend full of horror, “roast a Quaker?” “Yes, sir” (with the greatest gravity), “roast a Quaker!” “But do you consider, sir, the torture?” “Yes, I have considered everything; it may be wrong, as you say; the Quaker would undoubtedly suffer acutely, I have striven against the taste in vain, one would satisfy me--only one!”

MASTER DOMINIQUE.

A gentleman called Tenant was a favourite in London society early in this century, the mysteries of whose _menage_ often afforded amusement to his friends. He lived in a small lodging, and his establishment was confined to an old black servant called Dominique, who tyrannised over him. He was overheard one morning calling from his bed, “Dominique! Dominique!” but no Dominique appeared. “Why don’t you bring me my stockings, Dominique?” “Can’t come, Massa.” “Why can’t you come, Dominique?” “Can’t come, Massa, I am _dronke_.”

APPROPRIATE ANSWERS.

A man being asked did he understand German, answered, “No, but I have a cousin who plays the German flute.” Another enquiring at a bookseller, if he had the “Whole duty of man,” got for answer, “No, sir, but we have Mrs. Glasse’s cookery!”

SYDNEY SMITH’S SERVANTS.

Sydney Smith had for an attendant in his time a clean, fair, squat, tidy little girl about twelve years of age named Bunch. Mrs. Marcet, who was staying in the house, met her host at the foot of the stair when Bunch was passing. Mr. Smith suddenly said, “Bunch, do you like roast duck or boiled chicken?” Bunch had probably never tasted either the one or the other in her life, but answered without a moment’s hesitation, “Roast duck please, sir,” and disappeared. I laughed. “You may laugh,” said he, “but you have no idea of the labour it has cost me to give her that decision of character. The Yorkshire peasantry are the quickest and shrewdest in the world, but you can never get a direct answer from them; if you ask them even their own names, they always scratch their heads and say, ‘A’s sur ai don’t knaw, sir;’ but I have brought Bunch to such perfection that she never hesitates now on any subject, however difficult. I am very strict with her. Would you like to hear her repeat her crimes? She has them by heart and repeats them everyday.” “Come here, Bunch!” (calling out to her), “come and repeat your crimes to Mrs. Marcet;” and Bunch, quite as a matter of course, as grave as a judge, without the least hesitation, and with a loud voice began to repeat--“Plate-snatching, gravy-spilling, door-slamming, blue-bottle fly-catching and curtsey-bobbing.” “Explain to Mrs. Marcet what blue-bottle fly-catching is.” “Standing with my mouth open and not attending, sir.” “And what is curtsey-bobbing?” “Curtseying to the centre of the earth, please sir.” “Good girl! now you may go.” “She makes a capital waiter, I assure you. On _state_ occasions, Jack Robinson, my carpenter, takes off his apron and waits too, and does pretty well, but he sometimes naturally makes a mistake, and sticks a gimlet into the bread instead of a fork.”

SYDNEY SMITH’S COACH COMPANIONS.

On another occasion some years later, when I was going to Brougham Hall, two raw Scotch girls got into the coach in the dark, near Carlisle. “It is very disagreeable getting into a coach in the dark,” exclaimed one, after arranging her band-boxes, “one cannot see one’s company.” “Very true, ma’am, and you have a great loss in not seeing me, for I am a remarkably handsome man.” “No, sir! are you really?” said both. “Yes, and in the flower of my youth.” “What a pity,” said they. We soon passed near a lamp-post; they both darted forward to get a look at me. “Lo, sir, you seem very stout.” “Oh, no, not at all, ma’am, it’s only my great coat.” “Where are you going, sir?” “To Brougham Hall.” “Why, you must be a very remarkable man, to be going to Brougham Hall.” “I am a very remarkable man, ma’am.” At Penrith they got out, after having talked incessantly, and tried every possible means to discover who I was, exclaiming, as they went off laughing, “Well, it is very provoking we can’t see you, but we’ll find out who you are at the hall; Lord Brougham always comes to the ball at Penrith, and we shall certainly be there, and shall soon discover your name.”

A PROOF OF GOOD WINE.

A hospitable host in recommending some light wine on the dinner table used the old expression, “There’s not a headache in a bottle of it.” One of his guests, with more truth than politeness, replied, “No, but there’s a belly-ache in every glass of it.”

AN IMPOSTOR.

A man of good appearance gave himself out as a lecturer on English literature. Fortified with letters to certain Professors of Trinity College, a small but select audience assembled to hear him. Moore, who was present, among other questions asked him if he was acquainted with “Shenstone’s School Mistress.” He replied, “Yes, but ha’n’t seen her for some time.” In the course of the lecture, he quoted a passage from Lucan, which he said was counted by some critics very “helegant and hingenious,” and which he read as follows:--“The ’evens hintomb, ’im ’oom the hearth does not hinter,” he declared his own opinion that it was neither “helegant nor hingenious.”

THE END.

R. SYMON, PRINTER, EDINBURGH.

NOTES

[A] It has been said, that the stranger was looking for Lamb’s Conduit Street. This and the following anecdote, together with one or two others, are from an exceedingly amusing work, entitled “The Clubs of London,” published in 1828.

[B] Burnett’s _History of his Own Times_, iii. 1350.

[C] The most remarkable thing in this anecdote is certainly the king’s want of good manners, in asking such a question of the representative of a foreign nation.

[D] It was from this, perhaps, that Goldsmith took the idea of Garrick’s character in his poem called “Retaliation.”

[E] Sir Lumely Skeffington, we believe, is the author alluded to.

[F] A celebrated harlequin of the Italian comedy.

[G] BERNARD’S _Retrospections of the Stage_.

* * * * *

Transcriber’s Note:

Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.

Variations in spelling, hyphenation and punctuation remain as in the original unless noted below.

Page 3, “f” changed to “if” (“that if it would not do”).
Page 3, “Johnston” changed to “Johnson” (“desired Dr. Johnson to
give”).
Page 10, double quotation mark added after “cursedly _through your
cheek_.”
Page 14, period added after “save her from the torture.”
Page 16, single quotation mark changed to double after “Will, sir.”
Page 16, superfluous quotation mark deleted after “the way to a certain
place.”
Page 16, “What are doing” changed to “What are you doing.”
Page 22, “amature” changed to “amateur” (“an amateur of this sort of
mischief”).
Page 23, repeated word “out” removed (“for out of it came the Earls of
Pembroke”).
Page 27, “Keynon” changed to “Kenyon” (“that Lord Kenyon had fallen
asleep”).
Page 27, double quotation mark added after “he thinks he is on the
_bench_.”
Page 28, “recommed” changed to “recommend” (“I’ll recommend you every
where.”).
Page 29, “spouting-club” changed to “sporting-club” (“an eminent
poulterer went to a sporting-club”).
Page 29, “onl” changed to “only” (“I only speak de truth”).
Page 30, “humurous” changed to “humorous” (“gave him a humorous
reproof”).
Page 31, “effected” changed to “effect” (“so commanding had the desired
effect”).
Page 32, “possesssd” changed to “possessed” (“who possessed every
requisite”).
Page 35, “Boy” changed to “Boys” (“Boys fly kites for recreation”).
Page 45, “WILLAM” changed to “WILLIAM” (“WILLIAM III. AND SERGEANT
MAYNARD.”).
Page 52, “he” changed to “be” (“a bottle of Cape to be set”).
Page 52, “puplic” changed to “public” (“in the public rooms at Bath”).
Page 58, single quotation mark changed to double after “the best of
characters.”
Page 54, “rom” changed to “from” (“goutified from his excesses”).
Page 61, “BEWEEN” changed to “BETWEEN” (“DISTINCTION BETWEEN A LORD
AND A GENTLEMAN.”).
Page 61, “a” changed to “A” (“DISTINCTION BETWEEN A LORD AND A
GENTLEMAN.”).
Page 65, single quotation mark changed to double after “sir, I assure
you!”
Page 71, single quotation mark changed to double after “I do,”
Page 71, “Whether” changed to “whether” (“asking, whether, under such
circumstances”).
Page 71, double quotation mark added before “you play the _fool_.”
Page 76, double quotation mark added before “have I not given you your
full.”
Page 77, double quotation mark added after “here see _the road to
England_.”
Page 83, “busines” changed to “business” (“his style of doing
business”).
Page 84, “you” changed to “your” (““And your petitioner shall ever”).
Page 86, double quotation mark added before “but I trust I have
strength.”
Page 92, double quotation mark added before “I would have you know.”
Page 93, “answerered” changed to “answered” (“answered he”).
Page 94, double quotation mark added before “one good _turn_
deserved.”
Page 98, “cooly” changed to “coolly” (“expect to be received so
coolly”).
Page 98, period added after “much admire the _air_.”
Page 100, “gentleman” changed to “gentlemen” (“Ladies and
gentlemen”).
Page 100, “unsuccesful” changed to “unsuccessful” (“endeavours to
please are unsuccessful“).
Page 102, “may” changed to “many” (“used to relate many curious”).
Page 102, “SIMLPE” change to “SIMPLE” (“A SIMPLE MACHINE OUT OF
ORDER.”).
Page 108, double quotation mark added after “if you are not wrong,”
Page 109, double quotation mark added before “I rather believe it.”
Page 111, double quotation mark added after “sir, pots and all.”
Page 113, “asted” changed to “lasted” (“house ever lasted long.”).
Page 113, “Dury” changed to “Drury” (“a tragedy acted at Drury Lane”).
Page 118, double quotation mark added after “unction before you went.”
Page 120, two adjacent single quotes changed to double quotes (“Can
you so?”).
Page 121, double quotation mark added after “You want amusement, sir,”
Page 128, “L” inserted (“replied his Lordship”).
Page 129, period added after “his company for nothing.”
Page 129, double quotation mark added after “sober and the drunken
club.”
Page 133, “check’d” changed to “cheek’d” (“of a little
cherry-cheek’d”).
Page 137, double quotation mark added after “_I have covered so many
blunders of yours_.“
Page 138, single quotation mark changed to double after “say as much
of you.”
Page 142, “this” changed to “his” (“the cord under his left ear”).
Page 142, superfluous closing quotation mark deleted after “the cord
under his left ear.”
Page 151, “Johson” changed to “Johnson” (“very desirous to see Ben
Johnson”).
Page 152, “de-declared” changed to “declared” (“that she declared to
him”).
Page 152, “audence” changed to “audience“ (“the great amusement of the
audience”).
Page 153, “welsh” changed to “Welsh” (“The Welsh formerly drank”).
Page 159, “ofter” changed “after” (“Soon after Lord Sidney’s
elevation”).
Page 159, “ECENTRIC” changed to “ECCENTRIC” (“ECCENTRIC
RECOMMENDATION”).
Page 162, “betwen” changed to “between” (“between conscience and
self-interest”).
Page 164, “vension” changed to “venison” (“the venison not kept
long”).
Page 164, repeated word “the” removed (“said the quaker”).
Page 164, “Lest” changed to “Let” (“Let us now see”).
Page 170, comma changed to period after “at the _fall of the leaf_.”
Page 178, “occured” changed to “occurred” (“occurred on the Epsom
road”).
Page 189, double quotation mark added after “obliged to sit and hear
it.”
Page 191, “goal” changed to “gaol” (“was in Shrewsbury gaol for
preaching”).
Page 192, “Russel” changed to “Russell” (“replied Miss Russell”).
Page 193, single quotation mark changed to double after “put on thy
hat.”
Page 193, “advance” changed to “advanced” (“returned in advanced
life”).
Page 195, double quotation mark added after “it is all down hill.”
Page 197, superfluous quotation mark deleted in “Hold, my friend,”
Page 200, single quotation mark changed to double after “I can’t help
it my dear,”
Page 200, double quotation mark added after “exactly of your
ladyship’s size.”
Page 203, double quotation mark added after “they are in law.”
Page 205, superfluous quotation mark deleted in “Indeed, my lady,”
Page 211, superfluous quote removed after “incapable of business,” and
before “but above it.”
Page 213, “fellows” changed to “fellow’s” (“over the fellow’s back”).
Page 222, double quotation mark added after “and leave these
unfortunate men?”
Page 227, comma changed to period after “Nisi dominus frustra.”
Page 230, double quotation mark added after “I think,”
Page 232, double quotation mark added before “you must say the
following words.”
Page 235, apostrophe inserted in “nobleman’s” (“he stirred the
nobleman’s”).
Page 246, “CURE” changed to “CURÉ” (“IGNORANCE OF A FRENCH CURÉ”).
Page 248, “point-” changed to “pointing” (“pointing to Mr. Whishaw”).
Page 249, period changed to comma after “is very true in the
_abstract_.”

Original scans of this book can be found here: https://archive.org/details/englishjestsanec00edin.