Chapter I: Myself Am Carlini (2)

Whitfield once preached at a chapel in New England, where a collection was to be made after the sermon. A British seaman, who had strolled into the meeting, observed some persons take plates, and place themselves at the door; upon which, he laid hold of one, and taking his station, received a considerable sum from the congregation as they departed, which he very deliberately put into the pocket of his tarry trousers. This being told to Whitfield, he applied to the sailor for the money, saying it was collected for charitable uses, and must be given to him. “Avast there,” said Jack, “it was given to me, and I shall keep it.” “You will be d--d,” said the parson, “if you don’t return it.” “I’ll be d--d if I do,” replied Jack, and sheered off with his prize.

REAL DANGER.

A physician being sent for by a maker of universal specifics, grand salutariums, &c., expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. “Not so trifling neither,” replied the quack; “for, to tell you the truth, I have, by a mistake, taken some of my own pills.”

PROMISING CANDIDATE.

Some years ago a candidate for a Welsh burgh told his constituents, that if they would elect him he should take care they should have any kind of weather they liked best. This was a tempting offer, and they could not resist choosing a man, who, to use their own language, “was more of a Cot Almighty than Sir Watkin himself.” Soon after the election, one of his constituents waited upon him, and requested some rain. “Well, my good friend, and what do you want with rain? won’t it spoil your hay?” “Why, it will be very serviceable to the wheat, and as to my hay, I have just got it in.” “But has your neighbour got his in? I should suppose rain would do him some mischief.” “Why, ay,” replied the votary, “rain would do him harm indeed.” “Ay, now you see how it is, my dear friend! I have promised to get you any kind of weather you like; but if I give you rain, I must disoblige him: so your best way will be, I think, to meet together all of you, and agree on the weather that will be best for you all,--and you may depend upon having it.”

PROFESSIONAL BLINDNESS.

Sir Joshua Reynolds studied originally under Hudson, an English portrait painter, who bestowed very liberally on his customers fair tie wigs, blue velvet coats, and white satin waistcoats. He afterwards went to Italy, where he studied three years. On his return, he hired a large house in Newport Street, and the first specimen he gave of his abilities was a boy’s head in a turban, richly painted in the style of Rembrandt, which so attracted Hudson’s attention, that he called every day to see it in its progress, and perceiving, at last, no trace of his own manner left, he exclaimed, “Really, Reynolds, you don’t paint so well as when you left England.”

COUNSELLOR DUNNING.

Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an old woman, who was an evidence in a case of assault, respecting the identity of the defendant. “Was he a tall man?” says he. “Not very tall; much about the size of your honour.” “Was he well-looked?” “Not very; much like your honour.” “Did he squint?” “A little; but not so much as your honour.”

GEORGE I.

King George I. was remarkably fond of seeing the play of Henry VIII., which had something in it that peculiarly hit the taste of that monarch. One night being very attentive to that part of the play where the King commands Wolsely to write circular letters of indemnity into every part of the country, where the payment of certain taxes had been disputed, and remarking the manner in which the minister artfully communicated these commands to his secretary Cromwell, whispering thus:--

“Let there be letters writ to every shire
Of the king’s grace and pardon: the grieved Commons
Hardly conceive of me. Let it be noised,
That through our intercession this revokement
And pardon comes--”

The king could not help smiling at the craft of the minister, in filching from his master the merit of the good action, though he himself had been the author of the evil complained of; and, turning to the Prince of Wales (afterwards George II.), he said, “You see, George, a minister will be a minister in every age and in every reign.”

RICHARD CROMWELL.

When, in 1650, Richard Cromwell succeeded his father Oliver in the protectorship, he received addresses from all parties in the kingdom, filled with the most extravagant professions of standing by him with their lives and fortunes, at the very moment that they were plotting his destruction. Richard was not quite so blind to all this as the world imagined; for after seven months’ mock government, as he was giving orders for the removal of his own furniture from Whitehall, he observed with what little ceremony they treated an old trunk, and begged of them to move it more carefully, “Because,” added he, “it contains the lives and fortunes of all the good people of England.”

DR. SOUTH.

Dr. South begins a sermon on this text, “The wages of sin is death,” as follows:--“Poor wages indeed, that a man can’t live by.”

SEVERE RETORT.

Soon after Lord Sidney’s elevation to the peerage, he happened to observe in company, that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. “That,” said a gentleman present, “is an error from which even kings appear not to be exempt.”

A LONG-EARED ANIMAL _versus_ A SHORT.

A cockney having had his horse cropt, was asked the reason; he answered, “Why, my friend, this here horse had a knack at being frightened, and on the least occasion would prick up his ears, and look for all the world as if he had seen the devil; and therefore, to prevent the like in future, I cropt him.”

ECCENTRIC RECOMMENDATION.

Swift once gave a gentleman of very good character and fortune a letter of recommendation to Pope, couched in the following terms:--“Dear Pope, Though the little fellow that brings this be a justice of peace and a member of our Irish House of Commons, yet he may not be altogether unworthy of your acquaintance.”

HOLIDAY.

A gentleman seeing the town-crier of Bristol one market-day standing unemployed, asked him the reason. “O,” replied he, “I can’t _cry_ to-day, my wife is dead.”

ECONOMY.

An economical peeress spoke to her butler to be saving of an excellent run of small-beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. “The best method I know,” replied the butler, “is to place a barrel of good ale by it.”

THE BLOOD OF CROMWELL.

A grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, who was remarkable for her vivacity and humour, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman, who had taken great offence at some sarcastic remarks she had made, rudely said, to insult her, “I think, madam, you would hardly give yourself so many airs, had you recollected that your grandfather was hanged.” To which she instantly replied, “Yes, sir; but please to recollect, he was not hanged till after he was dead.”

CHARLES II. AND ROCHESTER.

King Charles II. being at bowls, and having laid a bowl very near the jack, cried out, “My soul to a horse hair, nobody beats that.” “Lay odds,” says Rochester, “and I’ll take you.”

DUNNING EXTRAORDINARY.

A tradesman pressing a gentleman very much for payment of his bill, the latter said, “You need not be in so great a hurry, I am not going to run away.” “I do not imagine you are, sir,” returned the tradesman, “but I am.”

JAMES II. AND WALLER.

King James II. having a wish to converse with Waller, the poet, sent for him one afternoon, and took him into his closet, where was a very fine picture of the Princess of Orange. The King asked him his opinion of the picture, on which Waller said, he thought it extremely like the greatest woman that ever lived in the world. “Whom do you call so?” said the king. “Queen Elizabeth,” replied the other. “I wonder, Mr. Waller,” said the king, “that you should think so; for she owed all her greatness to her council, and that indeed, it must be admitted, was a wise one.” “And pray, sir,” said Waller, “did your majesty ever know a fool choose a wise council?”

DR. JOHNSON.

When Dr. Johnson visited the University of St. Andrews, he took occasion to inquire of one of the professors into the state of their funds, and being told that they were not so affluent as many of their neighbours, “No matter,” said the doctor drily; “persevere in the plan you have formed, and you will get rich _by degrees_.”

MARCH OF POLITENESS.

Complaisance is no longer confined to the polite circles. A captain of a vessel was lately called out of a coffeehouse at Wapping by a waterman, with the following address: “An’t please your honour, the tide is waiting for you.”

HACKNEY COACHMAN.

A hackney coachman, after putting up his horses in the evening, took out the money he had received during the day, in order to make a division between his master and himself. “There,” says he, “is one shilling for master, and one for me;” and so on alternately till an odd shilling remained. Here he hesitated between conscience and self-interest, when the master, who happened to be a concealed spectator, said, “I think, Thomas, you may allow me the odd shilling, as I keep the horses.”

NO REASON TO REMOVE.

A gentleman dined one day with a dull preacher. Dinner was scarcely over before the gentleman fell asleep, but was awakened by the divine, and invited to go and hear him preach. “I beseech you, sir,” said he, “to excuse me; I can sleep very well where I am.”

EXCLUSIVE PLUMBER.

Holroyd, king’s plumber, stood in the pit of the theatre at the time that Hatfield fired at King George III., and it was reported that by his lifting up the assassin’s arm at the moment he was firing, the pistol was raised so that the ball went higher than the box his majesty was seated in. Some one observed that “This was a very loyal thing in the plumber.” “Why, yes,” replied a gentlemen present, “it looks like it; but the motive might possibly be selfish; it perhaps arose from Holroyd not choosing that anyone should serve the king with _lead_ except himself.”

CHARLES II.

As James II. when Duke of York, returned one morning from hunting, he found his brother Charles in Hyde Park without any attendants, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke expressed his surprise at his majesty’s venturing alone in so public a place at so dangerous a period. “James,” replied the monarch, “take care of yourself, and I am safe. No man in England will kill _me_ to make _you_ king.”

REFORMATION.

A gentleman remarking that this age was infinitely more dissipated and licentious than that which preceded it, an old officer took upon himself the task of defending it. “Sir,” says he, “I grant that we get drunk as completely as our fathers; but this I will say, that I have not seen a wig burnt these forty years.”

INVISIBLE AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE.

A preacher, whose sermons were beyond human understanding, was wont on Saturday to keep unseen by any one, in order to compose his sublime discourses for next day; on which a wit observed, that the doctor was invisible on Saturday in order that he might be incomprehensible on Sunday.

ERSKINE AND JEKYLL.

Mr. Erskine one morning complained to Mr. Jekyll of a pain in his bowels. “I could recommend one remedy,” said the latter; “but I am afraid you will not find it easy to get at it.” “What is it?” eagerly rejoined Mr. Erskine. “Get made Attorney-General, and then you will have no bowels at all.”

GOOD REASON.

A certain secretary of state, being asked by an intimate friend, why he did not promote merit, aptly replied, “Because merit did not promote me.”

FOOTE.

Foote, having been invited to dine with the Duke of Leinster, at Dublin, gave the following account of his entertainment:--“As to the splendour, so far as it went, I admit it, there was a very fine sideboard of plate; and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith’s shop, there was enough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, his mutton was white, his veal was red, the fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long enough: to sum up all, every thing was cold, except his ice; every thing sour, except his vinegar.”

PATIENCE.

A quaker, driving in a single-horse chaise up a green lane that leads from Newington Green to Hornsey, happened to meet with a young blood, who was also in a single-horse chaise. There was not room enough for them to pass each other, unless one of them would back his carriage, which they both refused. “I’ll not make way for you,” says the blood; “damn my eyes if I will.” “I think I am older than thou art,” said the quaker, “and therefore have a right to expect thee to make way for me.” “I won’t, dam’me,” resumed the first. He then pulled out a newspaper, and began to read, as he sat still in his chaise. The quaker, observing him, pulled a pipe and some tobacco from his pocket, and, with a convenience which he carried about with him, lighted his pipe, and sat and puffed away very comfortably. “Friend,” said he, “when thou hast read that paper, I should be glad if thou wouldst lend it me.”

JOHNSON AND BOSWELL.

Dr. Johnson and Boswell, being at Bristol, were by no means pleased with their inn. “Let us now see,” said Boswell, “how we should describe it.” Johnson was ready with his raillery. “Describe it, sir! why, it was so bad--so very bad, that Boswell wished to be in Scotland.”

SIR CHARLES WAGER.

Sir Charles Wager had a sovereign contempt for physicians; though a surgeon, he believed, in some cases might be of service. It happened that the worthy knight was seized with a fever while he was out upon a cruise, and the surgeon, without much difficulty, prevailed upon him to loose a little blood and suffer a blister to be laid on his back; by and by it was thought necessary to lay on another blister and repeat the bleeding, to which Sir Charles also consented. The symptoms having abated, the surgeon then told him that he must now swallow a few boluses and take a draught. “No, doctor,” said Sir Charles, “you may batter my hulk as long as you will, but damn you, you shan’t board me!”

EPITAPH ON PROFESSOR BARNES, A MAN OF WEAK JUDGMENT, BUT HAPPY MEMORY.

Hic jacet Joshua Barnes,
Beatæ memoriæ, judicium expectans.

INSURANCE.

In a storm at sea when the sailors were all at prayers expecting every moment to go to the bottom, a passenger appeared quite unconcerned. The captain asked him how he could be so much at his ease in this awful situation. “Sir,” says the passenger, “my life’s insured.”

COLONEL THORNTON.

When Colonel Thornton once asked his coachman if he had any objection to go abroad with him? “To any place that ever was created,” said the fellow very eagerly. “Would you drive me to hell?” said the colonel. “That I would!” answered the fellow, “that I would!” “Why, you would find it a hot birth and you must go in first yourself, Tom, as the box is before the body of the coach.” “No, no; I would back your honour in.”

BOSWELL AND JOHNSON.

Boswell observing to Johnson that there was no instance of a beggar dying for want in the streets of Scotland, “I believe, sir, you are very right,” says Johnson; “but this does not arise from the want of beggars, but the impossibility of starving a Scotsman.”

CONJUROR AND NO CONJUROR.

A fellow, who went about the country playing slight of hand tricks, was apprehended and carried before the sapient mayor of a town, who immediately ordered him to be committed to prison. “For what?” said the fellow. “Why, sirrah, the people say you are a conjuror!” “Will your worship give me leave to tell you what the people say of you?” “Of me? what dare they say of me, fellow?” “They say you are no conjuror.”

BENEVOLENCE OF GEORGE III.

When Lord North introduced Dr. Robertson to the king, his majesty made many inquiries concerning the medical professors of Edinburgh, and the state of the college, of which the doctor was principal. Being thus taken upon his own ground, the historian expatiated at large with gravity and decorum on the merits of the Edinburgh College; mentioned the various branches of learning which were taught in it, the number of students that flocked to it from all quarters of the world; and in reply to his majesty’s particular inquiries concerning it as a School of Physic, he observed that no college could boast of conferring the degree of physic on so many gentlemen as that of Edinburgh; for it annually sent out more than forty physicians, besides vast quantities of those who exercised the lower functions of the faculty, as surgeons, apothecaries, &c. “Heaven,” exclaimed the king, interrupting the doctor, “Heaven have mercy on my poor subjects?”

SIR JOHN MILLICENT.

One asked Sir John Millicent, a man of wit, how he did to conform to the grave justices his brethren, when they met. “Indeed,” answered he, “I have no other way to do than to drink myself down to the capacity of the bench.”

THE FISHMONGER.

A gentleman cheapening fish at a stall, and being asked what he thought an unconscionable price, exclaimed--“Do you suppose I pick up my money in the street!” “No, sir,” replied the vender, “_but I do_.”

THE BLESSINGS OF TRIAL BY JURY.

A juryman, not so pliant as many, was repeatedly singular in his opinion, but so determined as always to bring over the other eleven. The judge asked him once how he came to be so fastidious? “My lord,” said he, “no man is more open to conviction than I am; but I have not met the same pliancy in others; for it has generally been my lot to be on a jury with _eleven obstinate men_.”

LORD SHAFTESBURY.

The history of this nobleman, in the _Biographia Britannica_, is a mere panegyric on him. A bon mot of himself conveys the truest idea of his character. Charles the Second said to him one day, “Shaftesbury, I believe thou art the wickedest fellow in my dominions.” He bowed, and replied, “Of a _subject_, sir, I believe I am.”

THE BREWER.

A brewer was drowned in his own vat. Mr. Jekyll, being informed of the circumstance, said that the verdict of the jury should be--“Found floating on his _watery bier_!”

JACK TAR AND THE PARSON.

An honest tar, just returned from sea, met his old messmate, Bet Blowsy: he was so overjoyed that he determined to commit matrimony; but, at the altar, the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees; on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed--“D--n it, brother, never mind! marry us as far as it will go!”

SHERIDAN.

Being asked whether he thought Mr. O’Brien was right in his assertion, that many thousands of the electors of Westminster would vote for the Duke of Northumberland’s porter were he put up, Sheridan coolly replied--“No; my friend O’Brien is wrong; but they might for _Mr. Whitbread’s porter_!”

SLAVE TRADE.

Sir John Doyle being told in the House of Commons by those interested in keeping up the slave trade, that the slaves were happy, he said that it reminded him of a man whom he had once seen in a warren, sewing up the mouth of a ferret: he remonstrated with the man upon the cruelty of the act, but he answered--“Lord, sir, the ferret _likes it_ above all things.”

NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

A fire happening at a public house, a man, passing at the time, entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed--“You’ve done what I never could do, for, egad, you’ve liquidated my score!”

BON MOT.

A young clergyman, having the _misfortune_ to bury five wives, being in company with a number of ladies, was severely rallied by them upon the circumstance. At last one of them rather impertinently put the question to him, “How he managed to have such good luck?” “Why, madam,” said the other, “I knew they could not _live_ without contradiction, therefore I let them have their own way.”

BRUISING MATCH.

A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two men of the names of Hill and Potter, concluded by saying--“That after sixteen rounds, _Hill_ beat his antagonist _hollow_.”

SMART RETORT.

Lord B---- wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him, “Pray, my lord,” said he, “when do you intend to reduce your whiskers to the _peace establishment_?” “When you, Mr Curran,” said his lordship, “put your tongue upon the _civil list_.”

LODGINGS.

A young gentleman seeing a bill on a window announcing lodgings to let, knocked at the door of the house, and was conducted by a pretty girl into the apartments that were to be occupied. The gentleman, struck with the charms of his conductress, said,--“Pray, my dear, are you to be let with this lodging?” “No, sir,” answered the nymph; “I am to _be let alone_.”

THE RISING GENERATION.

A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that “such was the change in the public manners of the nation, that the _rising_ generation rarely _lie down_ till three o’clock in the morning.”

THE MISER’S ADVICE.

The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew: “Buy your coals in summer; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after quarter-day; and your books at the _fall of the leaf_.”

ADVERTISEMENT.

Some years ago, there appeared in the English papers an advertisement, which much resembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words, which are the title to the advertisement:--“Every _man_ his own _washer-woman_!”

WELSH TOURIST.

A Welsh tourist, among many other _judicious_ observations, remarked that the _mad_-house of Lanark was in a very _crazy_ state.

THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.

An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge? answered,--“I have done still worse--I have suffered myself to be apprehended.”

SELDEN.

When the learned John Selden was a member of the Assembly of Divines at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, “that _fish_ were carried from one place to the other.” On which Selden observed, “Perhaps it was _salt_ fish;” which again threw the Assembly into doubt.

TRADE.

A gentleman passing Milford churchyard a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave addressed him with--“Well, how goes trade in your line, friend?” “Very _dead_, sir!” was the reply.

NAUTICAL SERMON.

When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New York he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon: “Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Don’t you hear distant thunder? Don’t you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! the tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?” It is said, that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, “Take to the longboat!” Mr. Whitfield, seizing upon this reply, urged them to take to Jesus Christ as the long boat, with an ingenuity which produced the happiest effects.

SENSIBILITY.

A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. “How,” said she, “can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death?” “Why not, madam?” said the butcher; “you wouldn’t eat them alive, would you?”

GRATIFYING REFLECTION.

An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house, ingenuously answered, “Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my house, or my house finish me.”

ALDERMAN WOOD.

A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures from _wood_. He was asked from whence he copied them? “No where,” said the worthy dignitary; “I made ’em all _out of my own head_.”

“Thus Pallas sprang from brains of Jove.”

MATHEMATICAL WIND.

One morning, after a tempestuous night, during which several trees were rooted up, Dr. Vince, at Cambridge, met a friend, who said, “Good morning, doctor; a terrible wind this!” “Yes, sir,” replied the doctor, smiling; “quite a _mathematical wind_, for I see it has _extracted several roots_!”

BON MOT OF GEORGE IV.

The king, when Prince of Wales, attending Lewes races one day, when a drenching rain kept away the greater part of the expected attendants, on its being observed how few of the nobility had been upon the course, “I beg pardon,” said the prince; “I think I saw a very handsome _sprinkling_ of the nobility.”

WELSH GENTILITY.

When James I. was on the road near Chester, he was met by such numbers of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him, that the weather being dry and the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated. He was completely at a loss in what manner to rid himself of them civilly; at last one of his attendants, putting his head out of the coach, said, “It is his majesty’s pleasure that those who are the best gentlemen shall ride forwards.” Away scampered the Welsh, and but one solitary man was left behind. “And so, sir,” says the king to him, “you are not a gentleman, then?” “O yes, and please your majesty, hur is as good a shentleman as the rest; but hur ceffyl (horse), God help hur, is not so good.”

YOUR BIRTH.

We often laugh at our neighbours’ mistakes; they might have smiled at our own, had they overheard a passenger in one of our steam packets, who wished to inform a French lady on board that her “berth was ready,” make the communication as follows:--“Madame _votre_ NAISSANCE _est arrangée_.”

SIR CHARLES WETHERELL.

This distinguished member of the House of Commons has too much of the free-born Englishman about him to submit to the thraldom of braces. A certain high officer in the House is said to have remarked, that during the whole course of his speech he observed but one lucid interval. “And which was that?” inquired Mr. P----. “The space,” replied the former, “between his waistcoat and the waistband of his trousers.” “You jest,” replied Mr. P----, “and should rather say, if you noted the hue of his under garment that it was _darkness visible_.”

TAXES.

Some _profound_ financiers tell us, that it is of no consequence to us how much we are taxed, because the taxes raised are not thrown away, but spent among us. We might as well tell the housewife, that when her fagot is burned it is not _wasted_; it is merely decomposed and sent into the atmosphere, and that it will return in some _shape or other_: both stories are very philosophical; but the old lady would tell you that she could not replace her fagot without putting her hand into her pocket.

UNEXPECTED INTERPRETATION.

An _independent_ elector of one of the midland counties, when called upon by a young slip of aristocracy, who was canvassing the freeholders, replied, that if the right honourable candidate would engage to bestow on his (the elector’s) second son a situation in his lordship’s gift, in the event of its becoming vacant, the suffrage should certainly be given as solicited. “My dear sir,” was the reply, “I shall be too proud to serve your son.” The scion of the noble house of ---- was returned, and the vacancy anticipated by the elector shortly occurred; but his lordship wisely disposed of it to one from whom he had still something to expect. The disappointed voter was exclaiming loudly to one of his acquaintances against this breach of faith on the part of his lordship. “I do not perceive,” answered his friend, “that he has been guilty of any. He told you that he should be too proud to serve your son, and the event has shown that he spoke the truth.”

ONE EXCEPTION.

A disappointed author, indulging in a vein of abuse against a successful rival, exclaimed, “He is, without exception, the most superficial, self-sufficient, ignorant shallow creature that ever made any pretensions to literature.” “Gently, my dear sir,” interrupted a gentleman; “_you quite forget yourself_.”

GO TO BRIGHTON.

A _poor_ valetudinarian was recommended to take a change of air for the benefit of his health. “Go to Brighton,” said the medical man; “the air of Brighton is very _good_ for _pectoral_ complaints.” “But very _bad_ for _pocket_ complaints, is it not doctor?” replied the invalid.

GIVING THE DEVIL HIS DUE.

Swift, in preaching an assize sermon, was severe upon the lawyers for pleading against their consciences. After dinner, a young counsel said some severe things upon the clergy, and added, that he did not doubt, were the devil to die, a parson might be found to preach his funeral sermon. “Yes,” says Swift, “I would, and would give the devil his due, as I did his children this morning.”

OUT OF PLACE.

When the beau-monde held their coteries, and pitched tents upon the leads of the houses, it was referred to a person, who, not approving of it, said that it was making too great an encroachment upon the cats.

CURTAILED.

A strapping fellow told a diminutive man that he was “curtailed of man’s fair proportion.” “If you will just step out on the green,” said the little one, “you shall find that I am not _cur-hearted_, although I am _cur-tailed_.”

A GOOD MOVE.

Sheridan being on a Parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated, and ready to commence business: perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and, looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said, “Will any gentleman _move_ that I may _take the chair_.”

LORD ERSKINE.

At a trial about an engraving, where several distinguished artists were summoned to give evidence, Lord (then Mr.) Erskine, after flourishing away, made an attempt to puzzle Mr. Stothard, by drawing two angles on a piece of paper, an acute and an obtuse one, and asking, “Do you mean to say these two are alike?” “Yes, I do,” was the answer. “I see,” said Erskine, turning round, “there is nothing to be got by _angling_ here.”

SMART REPARTEE.

A officer in the army being entertained at a gentleman’s table while he was in Scotland, happened to commend very highly a dish of fish. A rigid parson of the kirk, looking upon him as a reprobate for being pleased with his dinner, said, “While you pamper the flesh, sir, I hope you do not starve the inward man; the soul is not fed at the mouth, and you ought not to lust after the food that perisheth.” The officer was somewhat surprised at this sermon in miniature; but perceiving that his monitor was, like Sir John Falstaff, hugely waisted, he replied, with a smile, fixing his eyes full upon the preacher’s protuberant paunch, “I will be admonished by your example, for I see plainly by your tabernacle, that your food does not perish.” He then proceeded to exercise his knife and fork with additional vigour, as the plump kirkman encouraged him by his _actions_ not to pay any regard to his words.

FASHIONABLE DINNER HOUR.

Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, “Aye,” quoth Sam Rogers, “It will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow.”

THE INFERNAL MACHINE.

The infernal machine exploded in the streets of Paris after Bonaparte’s carriage had passed, but before Josephine’s came up; which being the subject of conversation in a miscellaneous company in England, some one asked what they were talking of. “Nothing material,” answered a wit; “only a _blow up_ between the First Consul and his wife.”

LORD THURLOW.

Lord Thurlow, Lord Chancellor of England, was one of the sternest, and, at the same time, most tempestuous men that ever lived. A mace-bearer, who had attended him for years in awful silence, one day thought he perceived something like a bright streak of good humour enter the lurid horizon of his lordship’s face, and ventured to simper out, “My lord, there is a fine day.” “Damn you and the day too!” thundered out the black-browed chancellor.

CONJECTURAL KNOWLEDGE.

The following brief, but pithy dialogue, occurred on the Epsom road, between a Cockney and a countryman:--

_Cockney._ I say, Bill, my good fellow, vich is the way to Epsom.

_Countryman._ How did you know that my name was Bill?

_Cockney._ Vy, I guessed it.

_Countryman._ But how do you know that I was a good fellow?

_Cockney._ Vy, I guessed it.

_Countryman._ Then, guess the way to Epsom.

JAMES THE SECOND’S SINGLE GOOD THING.

There is but one instance on record of James II. uttering an expression of wit or humour, and, strange to say, that would appear to have been expressed from him by the weight of his sorrows at the Revolution. During the advance of the Prince of Orange towards London, as, morning after morning, some leading man or other was found to have left the king’s camp during the night, and gone over to the Liberator, the Prince of Denmark used to exclaim, as each successive instance was related to his majesty, “Est il possible?” (Is it possible?) as if he could not believe there was so much treachery in human nature. At length, the good Prince of Denmark found it necessary, with his wife Anne, to follow the example of those well-principled persons: James remarked, when told of it in the morning, “What! is Est-il-possible gone too!”

PROOF.

A woman, suspected of having given poison to her husband, was apprehended by the constable. The man certainly looked very ill; yet, as there was no direct proof, and as, above all things, he had not died, there was some probability in her favour. Mr. Constable was sadly puzzled between the pro and con; and was at last fairly driven from the field by the following appeal from the weeping lady:--“I never gave him any thing to hurt him: only _open_ him, and you will see how false it is!”

DR. FRIEND.

Dr. Friend, coming home after having got himself highly praised at a dinner party, was called out to see a lady taken dangerously ill. With some difficulty he went, or rather was led, to the bedside of the patient; where, holding fast by a bed-post with one hand, he seized with the other the lady’s wrist; but all attempts to note the pulsations were vain, and he could only mumble out, “Drunk, by Jove! Drunk!” “Oh, madam,” cried the waiting-maid, as soon as the physician was gone, “what a wonderful man! How soon he discovered what was the matter with you!”

SIR RICHARD JEBB.

This eminent physician was a man of impatient, irritable temper, and, when bored with the querulous complaints of some of his patients, could hardly ever force himself to return a civil answer. Sometimes his irritability led him to explode in a furious anathema, mingled with horrible oaths; sometimes he assumed a tone of quiet but severe sarcasm. A troublesome patient, who only fancied himself ill, pestered him one day with inquiries as to what he should eat. “My directions on that point,” said Sir Richard, “will be few and simple: You must not eat the shovel, poker, or tongs, for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, for they are windy; but _any thing else you please_!”

BEST UPPER LEATHER.

The following _sound_ advice occurs in an almanack:--“If you wish to have a shoe of durable materials, you should make the upper leather of the mouth of a hard drinker; for that never lets in water.”

DÆDALUS.

A fellow once brought a vast number of people together in London by giving out that, on a certain day, he would fly over Westminster Hall, in the manner of Icarus. One of the crowd, waiting for this sight on Westminster Bridge, inquired of a neighbour, “Pray, who was Icarus?” to which the reply was, “The son of _Diddle-us_, I believe.”

DR. RADCLIFFE.

Dr. Radcliffe was avaricious, and would never pay his bills without much importunity. A pavior, after many fruitless attempts, caught him as he was going out in his chariot. “Why, you rascal,” said the doctor, “do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of work? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad work.” “Doctor,” said the pavior, “mine is not the only bad work the earth hides.” “You dog, you,” said the doctor, “are you a wit? You must be poor; come in and be paid.”

LORD SANDWICH.

Lord Sandwich, a member of that administration which carried on the American war, though a dignified looking nobleman in dress, was so ungainly a walker on the street, that, on a gentleman of his acquaintance expressing a doubt whether an individual at a distance was his lordship or not, another is said to have remarked, “Oh, yes, I am sure it is Lord Sandwich, for, if you observe, he is walking down both sides of the street at once.” His lordship used to relate of himself that, having once taken lessons in dancing at Paris, he asked the _professor_ at the conclusion, if he could do him any favour in his own country; to which the man replied, bowing, “I should take it as a particular favour if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you learned to dance.”

OLD BAILEY WIT.

A man was tried for stealing a pair of boots from a shop-door in Holborn, with which he ran away. _Judge, to shoemaker, who had pursued and seized the prisoner_--“What did he say when you caught him?” _Witness_--“My lord, he said he took the boots in a joke.” _Judge_--“And pray, how far was he off when you caught him?” _Witness_--“About forty yards, please your lordship.” _Judge_--“I am afraid this is carrying the joke too far;” and he condemned the prisoner.

WATERLOO MEDAL.

A Frenchman sneered at a British soldier for wearing a Waterloo medal, a thing which did not cost the English government three francs. “It may have cost the English government only three francs,” said the soldier; “but it cost the French a _Napoleon_ besides.”

BOLD REPLY.

James the Second, who so seldom said a good thing, one day said a very ill-bred one. He declared, in the midst of his courtiers, that “he had never known a modest man make his way at court.” To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied, “And, please your majesty, whose fault is that?” The king was struck, and remained silent.

A GOOD SORT OF MAN.

“Pray,” said a lady to Foote, “what sort of man is Sir John D.?” “Oh! a very good sort of man.” “But what do you call a good sort of man?” “Why, madam, one who preserves all the exterior decencies of ignorance.”

TIME AT ROYAL DISCRETION.

The great have always been flattered, but never was adulation carried farther than on the part of a lady of honour to Queen Anne. The queen having asked her what the time was, “Whatever time it may please your majesty,” was the reply.

VALUABLE EVIDENCE.

In a case of assault, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman! “Did you see the defendant throw the stone?” “I saw a stone, and I’ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it.” “Was it a large stone?” “I should say it wur a largeish stone.” “What was its size?” “I should say a sizeable stone.” “Can’t you answer definitely how big it was?” “I should say it were a stone of some bigness.” “Can’t you compare it to some other object?” “Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk.”

UNPLEASANT COMPLIMENT.

Mr. Pitt being in company with the late Duchess of Gordon, who spoke the Scotch dialect in the broadest manner, she told him that some of her family had gone to France, and was asked by him why she was not of the party. She said in answer, “That it was very awkward to be in a country and not know the language.” “Why,” said Mr. Pitt, “your grace has not found any such inconvenience in England.”

PAINT.

The old Duchess of Bedford, if born, as she herself once declared, before nerves came in fashion, had not at least been born before it was fashionable to paint. Her grace was, indeed, notoriously addicted to rouge, which she used in uncommon quantities. Lord North one day asked George III. when his majesty had seen the old lady? The king replied, “He had not seen her face, nor had any other person, he believed, for more than twenty years.”

CONDESCENSION IN LOVE.

When Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Porter, he told her he was of mean extraction; had no money; and had an uncle hanged! The lady by way of reducing herself to an equality with him, replied that she had no more money than himself, and that, although she had not a relation hanged, she had fifty who _deserved hanging_. And thus was accomplished this singular amour.

VERACITY.

A gentleman in company with Mr. C. Bannister boasted that he had destroyed five hundred men with his own hands. “Sir,” said Charles, “I have killed a few in my time also--let me see: five at Madrid, ten at Lisbon, twenty at Paris, thirty at Vienna, and double the number at the Hague. At length, coming over from Calais to Dover, I had scarce disembarked, when a desperate fellow of an Irishman killed me.” “Killed you!” said Munchausen; “what do you mean by that?” “Sir,” replied the wit, “I did not dispute your veracity, and why should you question mine?”

TAKE ADVICE.

A gentleman who used to frequent the Chapter Coffeehouse, being unwell, thought he might steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking Dr. Buchan, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? “I’ll tell you,” says the doctor--“you should take _advice_.”

PROOF OF A CIVILIZED COUNTRY.

The writer of a modern book of travels, relating the particulars of his being cast away, thus concludes--“After having walked eleven hours without tracing the print of a human foot, to my great comfort and delight I saw a man hanging upon a gibbet; my pleasure at this cheering prospect was inexpressible, for it convinced me that I was in a _civilized country_, there being no _such_ thing among savages.”

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LITERAL AND LITERARY.

During the institution of a society in Liverpool for the purpose of literary improvement, a gentleman of strong body but of slender wit applied to be admitted a member; “I think,” said he to the president, “I must certainly be a vast acquisition to a society of this kind, as I am undoubtedly a _great_ man in the _literal_ sense of the word!” “True,” replied the other; “but I am afraid you are but a _little_ man in the _literary_ sense of the word.”

PURE ENGLISH.

The English ambassador demanded of Louis XIV. the liberation of the Protestants who had been condemned to the galleys on account of their religion. “What would the King of Great Britain say if I asked him to liberate the prisoners in Newgate?” “Sire,” replied the ambassador, “the king, my master, would grant your majesty’s request if you reclaimed them as your brethren.”

PROOF OF SANITY.

Sir Theodore Mayerne, physician to King James I., and who made an immense sum by his practice, was once consulted by a friend, who laid two broad pieces of gold on the table (six and thirties), and Sir Theodore put them into his pocket. The friend was hurt at his pocketing such a fee; but Sir Theodore said to him, “I made my will this morning, and if it should appear that I refused a fee, I might be deemed _non compos_.”

BUT!

In a case of assault, where an eminent brewer was concerned, the following ingenious argument was stated in the pleadings to have been used by that individual: “If there be any charge made against the beer, _rebutt_ it.” It was this clench in jest, which led to the assault in earnest; so that neither your _if_ nor your _but_ is a certain peacemaker.

COMPETITION OF WONDERS.

Several gentlemen at a party contested the honour of having done the most extraordinary thing. A reverend D.D. was appointed to be judge of their respective pretensions. One produced his tailor’s bill, with a receipt attached to it; a cry went through the room, that this would not be outdone; when a second proved that he had arrested his tailor for money lent to him. The palm is his, was the universal outcry; when a third observed, “Gentlemen, I cannot boast of the feats of either of my predecessors; but I have returned to the owners two umbrellas that they had left at my house.” “I’ll hear no more,” cried the arbiter; “this is the very _ne plus ultra_ of honest and unheard of deeds; it is an act of virtue of which I never before knew any person capable: the prize is yours.”

LORD PETERBOROUGH.

The eccentric Lord Peterborough, though one of the most brilliant of modern military characters, was overshadowed by the Duke of Marlborough. On a temporary return from Spain, where he was commanding, he found all his projects, proposals, and recommendations taken by the ministry _ad referendum_ which disgusted him so much, that he threw himself into a sedan chair to return home, and drawing the curtains all round, sat indulging in his own morose thoughts. As he was passing through the streets, the populace took up an idea that he was the rival general, and gathered round, crying, “God bless the Duke of Marlborough! God bless the Duke of Marlborough!” “Gentlemen,” said his lordship, pushing down one of the windows, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough.” “O yes,” said a spokesman of the multitude, “you are the Duke of Marlborough: we know you well enough.” “Gentlemen,” said Lord Peterborough, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough. Let me down,” he cried to the chairman. Got out of the chair, and now standing,--“I am not the Duke of Marlborough, I tell you, and I will now give you two convincing proofs that I am not; one is, that I have but a single guinea,” and he turned his pockets inside out: “the other is, that I give it you;” and he threw it among them.

LEGAL ADVICE.

“Sir,” said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, “will you tell me if this is a good seven-shilling piece?” The lawyer pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great gravity, “if you’ll send your lad to my office, I’ll return the fourpence.”

BON MOT OF GEORGE II.

A heavy-heeled cavalry officer, at one of the Brighton balls, astounded the room by the peculiar _impressiveness_ of his dancing. A circle of affrighted ladies fluttered over to the prince, and inquired by what possibility they could escape being trampled out of the world by this formidable performer. “Nothing can be done,” said the prince, “since the war is over; then he might have been sent back to America, as a republication of the _stamp_ act.”

PULTENEY, EARL OF BATH.

Lord Bath passed for one of the wisest men in England. “When one is in opposition,” was one of his sayings, “it is very easy to know what to say; but when one is minister, it is difficult to know what not to say.”

ANOTHER OF THE SAME.

Lord Chancellor Loughborough told the Duke of Bridgewater he never knew Lord Bath. “How?” said Bridgewater; “were you not a minister at the same time that he was a minister?” “Yes,” was the reply, “personally; but I used to go to bed before twelve, and Lord Bath never was himself (that is, in the full plenitude of his faculties and gaiety) till after.”

ADVANTAGES OF LOW PRICES.

A gentleman in one of the steam-packets asked the steward, when he came round to collect the passage money (of 6_d._ each for the best cabin), if there was not some danger of being blown up? The latter promptly replied, “No, sir, not the least; we cannot afford to blow people up at these low prices.”

JACOBITISM.

Lord Peterborough, about the time of the revolution of 1688, was anxious to obtain a fine singing canary from a coffeehouse keeper in London, his mistress having taken a fancy for it. Finding the people obstinately bent against selling it, he at last contrived to steal it, leaving a female one in its place. Some two years after, he ventured to say to the good woman of the house, that he supposed she would now take the money he formerly offered for the bird. “Indeed, sir,” answered she, “I would not; nor would I take any sum for him; for,--would you believe it?--from the time that our good king was forced to go abroad and leave us, _the dear creature has not sung a note_!”

A TERRIBLE THING OUT-TERRIBLED.

A dull play-wright, about to read one of his compositions in the green-room at Drury Lane, observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as reading a piece before such a critical audience. “I know one thing more terrible,” said Mrs. Powell. “What can that be?” asked the author. “To be obliged to sit and hear it.”

WRECKERS.

The people at a certain part of the coast of Cornwall, where wrecks frequently happen, used to be so demoralized by the unrestrained plunder of the unfortunate vessels, that they lost almost every humane feeling. It is said that even the clergy sunk under the dominion of this species of selfishness, and were almost as bad as the people. One Sunday, the news of a wreck was promulgated to a congregation engaged in public worship; and in an instant all were eagerly hurrying out at the door, to set off towards the spot. The clergyman hereupon called, in a most emphatic voice, that he only desired to say five more words to them. They turned with impatient attention to hear him. He approached, as if to address them; when, having got to the front of the throng, “Now,” says he, “let us start fair!” and off he ran, all the rest following him, towards the place where the wreck had happened, which, it is believed, he was the first to reach.

SIR ISAAC NEWTON.

All the world has heard of Sir Isaac Newton roasting himself before a great fire, till informed of the possibility of escaping the fate he apprehended by pushing back his chair. The story of his employing the finger of a lady, whom he was courting, as a tobacco-stopper is equally well-known. Not so that which follows:--Dr. Stukely, one day visiting Sir Isaac by appointment, was told by a servant that the philosopher was in his study. No one was permitted to disturb him there; but as it was near dinner time the visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in--a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and, covering up the empty dish, bade the servant dress another for her master. Before that was ready the great man came down; he apologised for his delay, and added, “Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint.” Saying this, he lifted the cover, and, without any emotion, turned about to Stukely with a smile: “See,” says he, “what we studious people are; I forgot I had dined.”

INDIRECT ANSWER.