Chapter I: Myself Am Carlini (3)

A person employed by a sick gentleman to read to him, very soon evinced a great aptitude to stumble whenever he came to any word not belonging to his mother tongue. Tired with this at length, the sick man asked him if he really pretended to know any other language than his own. “Why, really sir,” answered the unfortunate reader, “I cannot exactly say I do; but I have a brother who is perfectly acquainted with French.”

JOHN BUNYAN.

What are now denominated _mince pies_ were formerly called _Christmas pies_. When John Bunyan, author of the Pilgrim’s Progress, was in Shrewsbury gaol for preaching and praying, a gentleman who knew his abhorrence of anything Popish, and wished to play upon his peculiarity, one 25th of December sent his servant to the poor puritan, and desired his acceptance of a large Christmas pie. John took little time to consider; but, seizing the pastry, desired the messenger to thank his master, and “Tell him,” added he, “I have lived long enough, and am now hungry enough, to know the difference between _Christmas_ and _pie_.”

PREVENTIVE OF JEALOUSY.

A beautiful young lady having called out an ugly gentleman to dance with her, he was astonished at the condescension, and believing that she was in love with him, in a very pressing manner desired to know why she had selected him from the rest of the company, “Because, sir,” replied the lady, “my husband commanded me to select such a partner as should not give him cause for jealousy.”

HAPPINESS.

A captain in the navy meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth point, boasted that he had left his whole ship’s company the happiest fellows in the world. “How so?” asked his friend. “Why, I have just flogged _seventeen_, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped.”

AN EXPEDIENT.

The following anecdote is related of Sir Robert Walpole: Being afraid on one occasion that the bishops would vote against him in a question before the House of Lords, he induced the Archbishop of Canterbury to stay at home for two or three days, and circulated a report that his Grace was dangerously ill. On the day of meeting the house was crowded with lawn-sleeves, not one of which voted against the court!

GRAND-DAUGHTER OF CROMWELL.

In the suite of the Princess Amelia, aunt of George III., there was a lady of the name of Russell, grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, and who it would seem inherited, without any alloy, much of his undaunted and ready spirit. On 30th of January, she was occupied in adjusting some part of the princess’ dress, when the Prince of Wales (Frederick) came into the room and said, “For shame, Miss Russell, why have you not been at church humbling yourself for the sins of this day committed by your grandfather?” “Sir,” replied Miss Russell, “for a grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, it is humiliation sufficient to be employed as I am, in pinning up your sister’s train.”

PURCEL.

Daniel Purcel, who was a non-juror, told a friend that he had a full view of George the First as he landed at Greenwich. “Then,” said his friend, “you know him by sight.” “Yes,” said Purcel, “I think I know him; but I can’t swear to him.”

PENN AND CHARLES II.

When the celebrated Penn visited Charles II., the king, observing him keep on his hat, took off his own, and stood uncovered before his precise subject, who said, “Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat.” “No,” said the king; “it is customary for only one man to stand covered here.”

NO JOKE.

A gentleman whose grounds had the misfortune to lie near a public road, and were therefore much intruded upon, set up a board to scare offenders by the notification that steel-traps and spring-guns were set in these enclosures. This, however, being no more than the common warning, was totally disregarded: the grounds were just as much molested, and the fruit of the orchard as constantly stolen as ever. At length he caused to be painted in very large prominent letters below the other inscription--“No joke, by God!” which, it is stated, had the desired effect.

MAJOR LONGBOW.

A gentleman who had made a fortune abroad, returned in advanced life, like many other such persons, to tell long stories at home. Sensible of a natural weakness he possessed of exaggerating every thing he spoke of, he kept a sober Scotch servant, who was instructed to touch his shoulder whenever his fault began to be observable. One day he told a story of a fox which he had seen at Grenada with a tail ten feet long. The man touched his shoulder. “Well,” said he, “I am sure I speak within the mark, when I say the tail was _eight_ feet.” Still David touched his shoulder. “Well, at least _six_ feet.” Still a touch. “Well, _three_.” Still another touch, until, provoked at last by the servant’s incredulity--“What the devil!” says he, turning about, “would you have the fox to have had no tail at all!”

THE BROOM-SELLER.

Bacon was wont to commend much the saying of an old man at Buxton, who sold brooms. A young spendthrift came to him for a broom upon trust, to whom the old man said--“Friend, hast thou no money? borrow of thy back and of thy belly; they’ll never ask thee for it: I shall be dunning thee every day.

A SAILOR’S EXPLANATION.

A stranger, passing St. Paul’s cathedral, asked a sailor whom he met, what figures those were at the west front, to which it was answered, “The twelve apostles.” “How can that be,” inquired the stranger, “when there are but six of them?” “Damn your eyes!” said the tar, “would you have them all on deck at once!”

MAKING SURE.

During the Protestant riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, “No Popery!” Old Grimaldi, the mimic, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, “No Religion.”

OLD, BUT NOT TO BE TIRED ON.

A traveller, coming into the kitchen of an inn on a very cold night, stood so close to the fire that he burned his boots. A little boy, who sat in the chimney corner, cried out to him, “Take care, sir, or you will burn your spurs.” “My boots you mean, I suppose,” said the traveller. “O no, sir,” replied the arch rogue, “_they be burnt already_.”

ANOTHER.

One poor beau told another that his new coat was too short for him. “True,” answered he of the short skirts: “I assure you, however, it will be _long enough_ before I get another.”

LOCALITY OF FEELING.

A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all wept except one man, who was asked why he did not weep with the rest. “Oh!” said he, “I belong to another parish.”

CONSOLATION.

A gentleman, lying on his death-bed, called his coachman, who had been an old servant, and said--“Ah, Tom! I am going a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you drove me.” “Oh, dear sir,” replied Tom, “don’t let that discourage you; it is all down hill.”

HOLE _versus_ DARN.

Ned Shuter thus explained his reason for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:--“A hole,” said he, “may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman; but a darn is _premeditated poverty_.”

NAUTICAL INDIFFERENCE.

A sailor at the battle of Trafalgar had his leg shot off below the knee. “That’s but a shilling touch,” said he, alluding to the scale of pensions for wounds; “an inch higher and I should have had my eighteenpence for it.” As they were taking him away to get his leg dressed he called to a brother tar,--“Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, another time.”

ALE.

A traveller, calling at a little inn, the landlord of which was very tenacious of the character of his home-brewed ale, after sipping the beverage, begged to have it warmed. “What! warm my ale!” exclaimed Boniface; “damn that stomach that won’t warm the ale, say I!” “And,” cried the potator, “_damn that ale that won’t warm the stomach_, say I.”

FEMALE CONTRIVANCE.

Mary Queen of Scots was a long time under the charge of George, Earl of Shrewsbury, who found the duty exceedingly troublesome, and, furthermore, attended with great danger. His wife at length contrived to get him quit of it, by representing to Elizabeth that she suspected a growing attachment between her husband and Mary. Nothing more was required with the maiden queen; Mary was soon ordered another keeper.

THE GAMESTER.

There is much philosophy in the following anecdote. At the time when the seconds in a duel used to engage as heartily as the principals, a gentleman, who had had a run of good luck at cards, was asked to act in that capacity to a friend. “I am not,” said he, “the man for your purpose; but go and apply to him from whom I won a thousand guineas last night, and I warrant you he will fight like any devil.”

GIBBON’S PUNCTUALITY.

Gibbon the historian was very punctual in his habits, dividing his time after the manner of King Alfred, and never prolonging a particular employment a moment beyond the stated hour of its termination. He once discharged a hairdresser for coming five minutes too late. The next he sent for, to make sure, came five minutes too soon. That was as bad; he was discharged too. A third, by pitching his arrival exactly as the clock struck, was retained.

NE SUTOR.

A sculptor hearing a cobbler find fault with the sandal on the foot of one of his statues, thought the man’s objections so reasonable that he altered it, and returned him his thanks. The cobbler, arrogating consequence to himself, began to disapprove of the formation of the knee. “Hold, my friend,” cried the artist, “a cobbler’s criticisms should never go above the _sole_.”

GEORGE III. AND THE WHIGS.

When the Whigs came into power in 1806, they turned out everybody, even Lord Sandwich, the master of the stag-hounds. The king met his lordship soon after. “How do you do?” cried his majesty. “So they have turned you off? it was not my fault, upon my honour, for it was as much as I could do to keep my own place.”

DEFINITIONS.

Horne Tooke, in his “Diversions of Purley,” introduces the derivation of King Pipin from the Greek noun _osper_, as thus,--osper, eper, oper; diaper; napkin, nipkin pipkin, pepin king--King Pipin! And, in another work, we find the etymology of pickled cucumber from King Jeremiah! _exempli gratia_--King Jeremiah, Jeremiah King; Jerry, king; jerkin, gerkin, pickled cucumber! Also, the name of Mr. Fox, as derived from a rainy day; as thus--Rainy day, rain a little, rain much, rain hard, reynard, fox!

SIGNS AND TOKENS.

If you see a man and woman, with little or no occasion, often finding fault and correcting each other in company, you may be sure they are husband and wife. If you see a lady and gentleman in the same coach in profound silence, the one looking out at the window and the other at the opposite side, be assured they mean no harm to each other, but are husband and wife. If you see a lady accidentally let fall a glove or a handkerchief, and a gentleman that is next to her tell her of it, that she may pick it up, set them down for husband and wife. If you see a man and woman walk in the fields at twenty yards distance in a direct line, and a man striding over a style and still going on _sans cérémonie_, you may swear they are husband and wife. If you see a lady whose beauty attracts the notice of every person present except one man, and he speaks to her in a rough manner, and does not appear at all affected by her charms, depend upon it they are husband and wife.

THE MIRACLE.

An old mass priest in the reign of Henry VIII., after the Bible was translated, was reading the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes. When he came to the verse that reckons the number of the guests, he paused a little, and at last said they were about five hundred; the clerk whispered in his ear that it was five thousand. “Hold your tongue, sirrah,” said the priest, “we shall never persuade the people it was five thousand.”

SWEARING AND DRIVING.

A bishop being at his seat in the country where the roads were uncommonly bad, went to pay a visit to a person of quality in the neighbourhood, when his coach was overturned in a slough, and the servants were unable to extricate the carriage. As it was far from any house, and the weather bad, the coachman freely told his master he believed they must stay there all night; “For,” said he, “while your Grace is present I cannot make the horses move.” Astonished at this strange reason, his lordship desired him to explain himself. “It is,” said he, “because I dare not swear in your presence; and if I don’t, we shall never get clear.” The bishop, finding nothing could be done if the servant was not humoured, replied, “Well then, swear a little, but not much.” The coachman made use of his permission, and the horses used to such a kind of dialect, soon set the coach at liberty.

WHOLESALE PRACTICE.

A physician in a metropolitan hospital, a few years ago, being in haste to leave his public for his private duties, was asked by the house surgeon what he should do with the right and left wards? “O,” exclaimed the other, “what did you do with them yesterday?” “By your directions,” said the surgeon, “I bled all the right ward, and purged all the left.” “Good,” replied the other; “then to-day, purge all the right, and bleed all the left;” and then leapt into his carriage.

DECENCY AND DANGER.

A fire happening next door to a gentleman’s house, he was a full half hour before he could prevail on his wife to quit her room, into which she had locked herself. At length she came forth, greatly alarmed, in her shift, her under petticoat, and one long ruffle on her arm. “Bless my soul?” cried her husband, “what a while you have been, and knew the next house to be on fire.” “I can’t help it my dear,” cried she, “if our own house was in flames; I only stopped to make myself _decent_.”

LADY HARDWICK AND HER BAILIFF.

A bailiff, having been ordered by Lady Hardwick to procure a sow of the breed and size she particularly described to him, came one day into the dining-room, when full of great company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, “I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and got a sow exactly of your ladyship’s size.”

PERFECTION.

A celebrated preacher having remarked in a sermon that every thing made by God was perfect, “What think you of me?” said a deformed man in a pew beneath, who arose from his seat, and pointed at his own back. “Think of you,” reiterated the preacher; “why, that you are the most _perfect hunchback_ my eyes ever beheld.”

RECOVERY OF A SPENDTHRIFT.

A nobleman, whose son was a hard drinker, and had been cutting down all the trees upon his estate, inquired of Charles Townshend, who had just returned from a visit to him, “Well, Charles, how does my graceless dog of a son go on?” “Why, I should think, my lord,” said Charles, “he is on the _recovery_, as I left him _drinking the woods_.”

CLERICAL PREFERMENT.

Among the daily inquiries after the health of an aged Bishop of Durham, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of ----, and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shewn into his room, and thus addressed him:--“Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better--much better; but that the Bishop of Winchester has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will do_.”

STATE AFFAIRS.

A coach containing four members of parliament was overturned in the Strand. A countryman passing inquired who were the unfortunate persons; and being told, “Oh, let them lie,” cried he, “my father advised me not to meddle with state affairs.”

CHARLES II.

The following anecdote, if it have not much of the wit, has at least a good deal of the character, of “the Merry Monarch.” He had a saying that five made the best company. It happened that a recruiting captain was so remarkably unsuccessful as to raise only five persons. When it was proposed that he should be broken for negligence, the king inquired how many he had raised, and being told, “Oddsfish!” cried his majesty, “he shan’t, for five’s the best company in the world.”

FERGUSON THE PLOTTER.

When this famous person was taken up for his concern in some of the plots of the reign of Charles II., and brought before Lord Nottingham to be examined, his lordship said, “I intend to be very brief with you, Mr. Ferguson, and only ask one or two questions;” to which the prisoner replied, with his usual acrimony of tone, “And I intend to be as short as your lordship, and not answer one of them.” Whereupon he was committed to Newgate.

DELICACY.

A courtier of the time of Charles II.--the greatest of his age--used to pay the following pretty compliment to the scruples which are entertained by ladies on the subject of age; he used to say to his lady every New Year’s Day, “Well, madam, how old will your ladyship please to be this year?”

EXAMPLE.

Examples make a greater impression upon us than precepts. An old counsellor in Holborn used to turn out his clerks every execution-day with this compliment, “Go, ye young rogues--to school and improve.”

SIR FRANCIS BACON.

When Queen Elizabeth made her famous procession to St. Paul’s to return public thanksgivings for the destruction of the Spanish armada, the citizens were ranged along one side of Fleet Street, and the lawyers on the other. As the Queen passed Temple Bar, Bacon, then a student, said to a lawyer that stood next him, “Do you observe the courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to us, they are in law.”

ACQUIESCENCE.

A hasty passionate fellow was supping with a friend who never contradicted him, not wishing to provoke his wrath. Unable to endure this acquiescence, he at last burst out, “Zounds, deny something, that I may know there are two of us.”

TRANSPOSITION OF SYLLABLES.

One of our most celebrated poets, occasionally a little absent of mind, was invited by a friend whom he met in the street, to dine with him next Tuesday at a country lodging he had taken for the summer months. The address was, “Near the Green Man at Dulwich,” which, not to put his inviter to the trouble of pencilling down, our bard promised faithfully to remember. But when Tuesday came, he, fully late enough, made his way to _Greenwich_, and began inquiring for the sign of the _Dull Man_! No such sign was to be found; and, after losing an hour, a person guessed that though there was no _Dull Man_ at _Greenwich_, there was a _Green Man_ at _Dulwich_, which the gentleman might possibly mean! This remark connected the broken chain, and our poet took his chop by himself.

QUIN.

Quin used to complain much of the system of giving vails to servants, which, to a man of his uncertain resources, was a very severe tax. Having been invited to the house of a gentleman who had the reputation of giving good dinners, he found himself entertained in a style much below his expectations; wherefore, on leaving the house, and finding the servants all as usual ranked up in the hall, he inquired for the cook and the butler. These officials speedily presented themselves, when he said to the first, “There’s half-a-crown for my eating,” and to the other, “There’s five shillings for my drinking; but really, gentlemen, I never made so bad a dinner at the money in my life before.”

A gentleman at whose house Quin had often experienced the same annoyance, one day gave him a pressing invitation; but Quin would not promise to come unless the servants were taught to expect no vails. He paid dearly for this limitation; for, on going to pay his visit, he had a dirty plate given him for a clean one, bread for beer, and frequently neither one nor other, after repeated applications. When dinner was finished, he addressed himself to the company, pushing round a plate with a half crown on it; “Gentlemen,” said he, “I think we had better pay for our dinner now, before we begin upon the wine; for I have a notion they imagine we intend to bilk them to-day.”

JAMES II.

James II. having appointed a nobleman to be lord-treasurer when the exchequer was in a very exhausted state, he complained to the king of the irksomeness of the office, as the treasury was so empty. “Be of good cheer, my lord,” replied his majesty, “for you will now see the bottom of your business at once.”

REPROOF.

A certain clergyman, who was more busied in the pleasures of the chase than in superintending the souls of his flock, one day, meeting with little sport, proposed to entertain his companions at the expense of an inoffensive quaker, whom he had very often ridiculed, and who was then approaching them. He rode up to him briskly, saying, “Obadiah, have you seen the hare?” “Why, hast thou lost him, neighbour?” said the quaker. “Lost him! yes, indeed.” “Then,” replied he, “if I were the hare I would run where I am sure thou could’st never find me.” “Where the devil is that?” asked the blustering son of Nimrod. “Why, neighbour,” answered the other, “I would run into thy study!”

AMENDMENT.

An Earl Marshal was found fault with by his sovereign for some misarrangements at a coronation. “Please your Majesty,” said he, “I hope to do better next time.”

LORD CHESTERFIELD.

Lord Chesterfield chanced one day to be at the Duke of Newcastle’s levee, when _Garnet upon Job_, a book dedicated to that nobleman, happened to lie in the window. Before his Grace made his appearance, his Lordship had time enough to amuse himself with the book; and when the Duke entered, he found him reading in it. “Well, my Lord,” said his Grace, “what is your opinion of that book?” “In any other place I should not think much of it,” replied his Lordship; “but being in your Grace’s levee, I think it one of the best books in the world.”

A lady of fashion, very young, very giddy, and just married, walking with Lord Chesterfield, asked his Lordship if she did not look very young? “Indeed, my lady,” said he, “you look as if you were just come from boarding-school, and fit to return again.”

As Lord L---- was one day lamenting to his Lordship the misconduct of his son, the latter advised a place at court as one method which, perhaps, might cause an amendment. The father replied he was not steady enough. “Yes, yes,” said his Lordship, “he is steady enough to be Master of the Revels.”

EFFECT OF POETRY.

James I. first coined his twenty-two shilling pieces, called Jacobuses, with his head crowned. He afterwards coined his twenty shilling pieces, where he wore the laurel instead of the crown. Ben Jonson observed on this that “Poets always came to poverty; King James no sooner began to wear bays, than he fell two shillings in the pound.”

GEORGE III.

Mr. West, the painter, told his Majesty one day that he had been employed by one of his principal ministers for what is called in the language of the profession a _head_. He had waited on him that morning, and had found him so dejected and with so long a face, on account of some bad news, that he could not begin. “Sir,” says his Majesty, “if that noble lord’s head cannot keep up countenance, it is time to employ another hand than yours to take it off.”

A SEASONABLE HINT.

Dean Cowper, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, he remarked that the poor fellow could see no more than “that bottle.” “I do not wonder at it at all, sir,” replied Mr. Drake, a minor canon, “for _we_ have seen no more than ‘that bottle’ all the afternoon.”

WHO WOULD GROAN AND SWEAT?

When Foote was in Paris, in the course of an evening’s conversation with some English gentlemen, the subject turned on Mr. Garrick’s acting, when some of the company expressed their fears of that great performer’s relinquishing the stage. “Make yourselves easy on that head,” replied the wit, “for he’d play Richard before a kitchen fire in the dog-days, provided he was sure of getting a sop in the pan.”

POSTHUMOUS TRAVELS.

Professor Porson being once at a dinner party where the conversation turned upon Captain Cook and his celebrated voyages round the world; an ignorant person, in order to contribute his mite towards the social intercourse, asked him, “Pray, was Cook killed on his first voyage?” “I believe he was,” answered Porson, “though he did not mind it much, but immediately entered on the second.”

HOSPITALITY.

There is a delightful smack of old England in the following anecdote. The famous Tom Thynne, who was remarkable for his good house-keeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the country, a beggar coming up to him, begged his worship would give him a mug of his small beer. “Why, how now,” said he, “what times are these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.”

NEW OPPOSITION.

At the time when the lower house were in conversation about the propositions which Lord North intended to lay before them with respect to Ireland, and were calling upon him to give them some hint of what they were; the celebrated Mr. Fox observed that the house might be assured they would be exactly contrary to his former measures; “for the noble lord was convinced in all cases, that the only chance he had of being right was by acting in opposition to himself.”

VERSES ON A SCOLD.

Mr. Thomas Fuller, a man admired for his wit, but whose great fault was that he would rather lose his friend than his jest, having made some verses upon a scolding wife, Dr. Cousin, his patron and benefactor, hearing them repeated, desired Mr. Fuller to oblige him with a copy of them; to whom he very imprudently, though wittily replied, “’Tis needless to give you a copy, doctor, for you have the original.”

NO ALTERNATIVE.

A porter passing near Temple Bar with a load on his shoulders, having unintentionally jostled a man who was going that way, the fellow gave the porter a violent box on the ear, upon which a gentleman passing exclaimed, “Why, my friend, will you take that?” “Take it,” replied the porter, rubbing his cheek, “don’t you see he has given it me.”

POINT DE TOUT LACE.

A lady raised from an obscure rank by a noble marriage, happened to be at court when the Spanish ambassador made his appearance with very great splendour. Among other things which drew attention, the richness of the laces were particularly noticed. On the return of this new-made lady of quality to her lord’s house, she met the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, to whom she related the splendour of the foreign minister, and dwelt particularly on the richness of the laces. “Pray, my lady,” said his lordship, “what kind of lace was it?” “Really, my lord, I forget the name, but I should know it if you mentioned it.” “Was it then _point d’Espagnes_?” “No, it was not that.” “Was it _point de Brusselles_?” “No, no; not that.” “Oh,” said the witty Earl, “I know now what it was, it was _point de tout_.” “You are very right,” replied the lady, “that was the name of the lace.”

MILTON.

When Milton was blind, he married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham called her a rose. “I am no judge of colours,” replied Milton, “and it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.”

ANOTHER VERSION.

Milton’s third wife was the daughter of Mr. Minshull of Namptwich, in Cheshire. She had an unhappy temper, but so fine a complexion that a French gentleman who once paid him a visit said, “Monsieur Milton, your lady is like the rose.” “It may be so,” replied the poet with a sigh, “but I am so unhappy as to be blind, and, alas! I have never found anything but the thorns.”

A LAWYER’S LAST STAGE.

A Cornish clergyman having a dispute concerning several shares in different mines, found it necessary to send for a London limb of the law to have some conversation with the witnesses, examine the title-deeds, view the premises, &c. The divine very soon found that his legal assistant was as great a scoundrel as ever was struck off the rolls. However, as he thought his knowledge might be useful, he shewed him his papers, took him to compare his surveyor’s drawings, with the situation of the pits, &c. When, in one of these excursions, the professional gentleman was descending a deep shaft by means of a rope which he held tight in his hand, he called out to the parson who stood at the top, “Doctor, as you have not confined your studies to geography, but know all things from the surface to the centre, pray how far is it from this pit to that in the infernal regions?” “I cannot exactly ascertain the distance,” replied the divine, “but let go your hold and you’ll be there in a minute.”

NEWSPAPER OBITUARIES.

It was once stated in a newspaper that a person was _killed_ by accident, and that his wife was so much affected by the incident as to leave it doubtful whether she would _survive_ him. A gentleman, to whom this blunder was shewn, observed that all the absurdly penned notices of deaths in the newspapers arose from _people writing their own obituaries_.

A STRIKING LIKENESS.

Lord Chesterfield having been long very earnestly solicited for his interest in favour of a clergyman who wanted preferment, at length presented his suitor with an engraved portrait of his head. The parson thanked him, and after some time had elapsed, told him that though he did not as formerly attend his levee every day, he regularly paid his court to his portrait. “And pray,” said the sarcastic peer, “have you got any thing of it?” “No, my Lord,” replied he, “it has too strong a resemblance to the original for that.”

A PUSH AT A PRIME MINISTER.

The Duke of Newcastle, when prime minister, once told the author of Tristram Shandy, that men of wit were not fit to be employed, being incapable of business. “They are not incapable of business, my Lord, but above it,” replied Sterne; “a sprightly generous horse is able to carry a pack-saddle as well as an ass, but he is too good to be put to the drudgery.”

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS.

“I really can’t sing, believe me, sir,” was the reply of a young lady to the repeated requests of an empty fop. “I am rather inclined to believe, madam,” rejoined he, with a smirk, “that you are fishing for compliments.” “No, sir,” exclaimed the lady, “I never fish in so shallow a stream.”

GENEROSITY.

An old farmer, on paying his rent, told his landlord he wanted some timber to build a house, and would be much obliged to him if he would give him permission to cut down what would answer the purpose. The landlord answered peremptorily, “No.” “Why, then, sir, will you give me enough to build a barn?” “No.” “To make a gate then?” “Yes.” “That is all I wanted,” said the farmer, “and more than I expected.”

SCEPTICISM.

A person speaking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted that he had seen one which had its head cut off, open its jaws six weeks afterwards. The company seeming rather sceptical, he said, “I saw it, and I trust none of you will doubt my word.” Then turning to one gentleman he asked what he thought. The other asked him--“Sir, if you had not seen the circumstance yourself, could you have believed it?” “Indeed,” said he, “I could not.” “Then I hope you will excuse me if I do not believe it.”

KEEPING THE COMMANDMENTS.

A gentleman shewing his friend a collection of curious pictures in his gallery, on the other praising them all very much, he gave him a choice of any one of them as a present. The stranger fixed on a tablet in which the ten commandments were written in letters of gold. “You must excuse me there,” replied the gentleman, “those I am bound to keep.”

HALF A KINDNESS.

A Catholic priest, a pious and yet a facetious man, was requested by a lady for permission to wear rouge. The lady’s character was half coquettish and half devotee. “I can give you permission, madam,” replied the bishop, “only for one cheek.”

PAINTING AND WHITEWASHING.

A wretched artist, who thought himself an excellent painter, was talking pompously about decorating the ceiling of his saloon--“I am whitewashing it, and in a short time I shall begin painting.” “I think you had better,” replied one of his audience, “paint it first, and then whitewash it.”

SIGHT.

A man of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, “I love to see her talk.”

DUSTING.

A gentleman having called his servant to assist him in dressing, the man, who had been employed in some dirty work, came up all over dust. The master, in a rage, took up a cane and was preparing to lay it over the fellow’s back, when he cried out, “Sir, sir, if you wish to dust my coat, I beg I may take it off first.”

DENNIS THE DRAMATIST.

The extravagant and enthusiastic opinion Dennis had of the merit and importance of his tragedy, called _Liberty Asserted_, cannot be more properly evinced than by the following anecdote. He imagined there were some strokes in it so severe upon the French nation, that they would never be forgiven, and, consequently, that Louis XVI. would not consent to a peace with England unless he was delivered up as a sacrifice to national resentment. Nay, so far did he carry this apprehension, that when the congress for peace at Utrecht was in agitation, he waited upon the Duke of Marlborough, who had formerly been his patron, to entreat his interest with the plenipotentiaries that they should not consent to his being given up. The Duke, however, told him with great gravity, that he was sorry it was not in his power to serve him, as he really had no interest with any of the ministers at that time; but added, that he fancied his case not to be quite so desperate as he seemed to imagine, for that he himself had taken no care to get himself excepted in the articles of peace, and yet he could not help thinking that he had done the French almost as much damage as Mr. Dennis himself.

BON MOT OF QUEEN HENRIETTA.

When Charles I. of England shewed his queen Henrietta the picture of Calvin in his cabinet, which pourtrayed the theologist with a pen in his hand, and his eyes turned up and out of sight of his book, the queen said smiling, “I do not wonder now that Calvin wrote so much nonsense, as he seems not to have attended to what he was doing.”

FOR THE LADIES.

In some parish churches it was the custom to separate the men from the women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short, when a woman eager for the honour of her sex arose and said, “Your reverence, the noise is not among us.” “So much the better,” answered the priest, “it will be the sooner over.”

THE WORLD AN OLD LADY.

Some philosophers were disputing very learnedly and dully on the antiquity of the world. A man of wit, tired of their long discussion, said, “Gentlemen, I believe the world acts like some old ladies, and does not choose to have her age discovered.”

GOOD CAUSES AND BAD.

A counsellor was one day asked by the judge, why he, as a man of talents and integrity, was always employed in knavish causes--“Why, I have been so much in the habit of losing good causes, that I think I had better undertake bad ones.”

A NATURAL MISTAKE.

A black servant being examined in the Church Catechism by the minister of the parish, was asked, “What are you made of?” Cato answered, “Of mud, massa.” On being told that he should say, “Of dust,” he replied, “No, massa, it no do--no stick togedder.”

ADVICE.

Some years ago, the son of an eminent Jew was on the point of being married to a Christian lady, on which the father, who had no objection to the religion of the lady, but to the smallness of her fortune, expostulated with his son, and told him he might have a lady with more money, and that if he married without his consent, he would cut him off with a shilling. The son replied, that whether he consented or not, he would have the object of his wishes; adding, that if he refused he would turn Christian, and then he should claim the benefit of an English law, and obtain half of what he possessed. At this answer, old Mordecai was greatly confounded, and resolved to apply to counsel, to know whether there was any such law. The counsellor replied, “that there certainly was, and that his son, upon turning Christian, would obtain half his fortune; but if you will make me a present of ten guineas,” added he, “I will put you in a way to disappoint him, and the graceless dog shall not be able to obtain a farthing.” At this news the Jew’s hopes revived; and pulling ten guineas out of his pocket he instantly clapped them into the lawyer’s hand, expressing his impatience to know how to proceed. “Why,” said the counsellor, “Mr. Mordecai, you have nothing to do but to turn Christian yourself.”

POWER OF NUMBERS.

A country lad went to be confirmed by the bishop, who, inquiring if he had learned his catechism, asked him how many commandments there were. “Forty,” replied Hodge. “Go home, child, and learn better,” said the bishop. On his return home, Hodge met a companion who was also going to be confirmed. “Stop,” said he, “do you know how many commandments there be?” “Yes, to be sure,” replied the other, “ten.” “Pshaw! you fool!” said the other; “I told the bishop forty, and that would not do. Go home, and learn better.”

SYMBOLS OF MARTYRDOM.

A satiric poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk ever afterwards with a stick. “Mr. P. reminds me,” said a wag, “of some saints, who are always painted with the symbols of their martyrdom.”

AUCTION.

At Mr. Beckford’s sale at Fonthill, a gentleman purchased a bed at a very high price, and found, when it was knocked down to him, that he had bid against his most intimate acquaintance. This gentleman immediately came up, and, shaking him by the hand, made urgent enquiry after his health, which the purchaser of the bed assured him was never so well. “I am rejoiced to hear it,” said the other, “because, in that case, I am sure you will let me have the bargain.” “Nay, my dear friend,” said the purchaser, “what has that to do with it?” “Because,” said he, “if you are quite well, you cannot want to keep your bed.”

HALF THE CURE.

A gentleman, who drank very hard, being seized with a fever, had a consultation of physicians, and while they, in his bedroom, disputed about the best method of abating the thirst and curing the fever,--“Gentlemen,” said the patient, “permit me to put in a word, and I will engage to take half the trouble off your hands; do you cure the fever, and I will abate the thirst myself.”

JEREMY TAYLOR.

When Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. “If your grace,” replied Taylor, “will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it.”

BORROWED FACE.

An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to his agent for his arrears, told him that he was in the most extreme want, and on the point of dying with hunger. The agent seeing him of a jovial and ruddy aspect, replied, that his countenance belied his complaint. “Good sir,” replied the officer, “for heaven’s sake! do not mistake; the visage you see is not mine, but my landlady’s; for she has fed me on trust for these two years.”

SINGULARITY AN ADVANTAGE.

A woman of excellent sense, and somewhat of a satiric turn of mind, was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. ----, adding, that Mr. ---- was a good kind of man, but _so very_ singular. “Well,” replied the lady, “so much the better; if he is very much unlike other men, he is more likely to make a good husband.”

LOOKING GLASSES.

Lady C----, an old coquette, and very fond of her reminiscences, and a censor of all present fashions and arts, looking into her glass, beheld sundry wrinkles, freckles, &c. “Now, here is my new glass,” said her ladyship, “not worth a farthing. They cannot make mirrors so well as they used to do.”

ABSENTERS.

A gentleman, on a tour through the west of England, happened to be at a very populous town on a Sunday, and being acquainted with the minister, he accompanied him to church, which, to his great surprise, was very thinly attended. As they were returning home, he asked his friend “if there were any dissenters in this town.” “No,” said the other, “but there are numerous _ab_senters.”

A SHREWD GUESS.

A lad delivering milk, was asked what made it so warm. “I don’t know,” replied he with much simplicity, “unless they put in warm water instead of cold.”

AGRICULTURAL PUN.

A farmer, in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was met by his landlord, who accosted him thus, “John, I intend to raise your rent;” to which John replied, “Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself.”

MRS. SIDDONS.

At the time when Mrs. Siddons had just reached her high theatrical fame, and had acted some of her principal characters to the admiration of all who beheld her, a formal assembly of learned ladies, consisting of Mrs. Montagu, Mrs. Carter, Miss Hannah More, and sundry other members of the _bas bleu_ met, and prevailed upon Mrs. Siddons to be of the party. Their object was to examine her, and to get from her the secret how she could act with such wonderful effect. Mrs. Montagu was deputed to be the prolocutress of this female convocation. “Pray, madam,” said she to Mrs. Siddons, addressing her in the most formal manner, “give me leave to interrogate you, and to request you will tell us, without duplicity or mental reservation, upon what principle you conduct your dramatic demeanor. Is your mode of acting, by which you obtain so much celebrity, the result of certain studied principles of art? Have you investigated, with profound research, the rules of elocution and gesture, as laid down by the ancients and moderns, and reduced them to practice? or do you suffer nature to predominate, and only speak the untutored language of the passions?” “Ladies,” said the modern Thalia, with great diffidence, but without hesitation, “I do not know how to answer so learned a speech. All I know of the matter, and all I can tell you is that I always act _as well as I can_.”

A GOOD THING WELL APPLIED.

Dr. Henniker being in private conversation with the late Earl of Chatham, his Lordship asked him, among other questions, how he defined wit? “My lord,” said the doctor, “wit is like what a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble servant, _a good thing well applied_.”

ENTERTAINING ANGELS.

A vagrant called at a house on a Sunday and begged for some cider. The lady refused to give him any, when he reminded her of the oft-quoted remark, that she “might entertain an angel unawares.” “Yes,” said she, “but angels don’t go about drinking cider on Sundays.”

A YOUNG LADY’S WAIST.

Dr. Wing, being asked where a young lady’s _waist_ began, replied, “At the altar. The moment they have you trapped, they come down upon your pocket-book like a hawk upon a May bug. After they are married they are all _waste_.” What a libellous fellow!

LORD CHANCELLOR THURLOW.

When Lord Thurlow was at the bar, his clerk was one day reading to him a legal instrument, and when he came to the part, “_I do devise all that farm to_,” &c., &c., he was seized with so very violent a fit of coughing that he could not proceed, on which the testy lawyer exclaimed, “Read on, _with a curse to you--your_ heirs and _their_ heirs _for ever_.”

Mr. Tierney once observed of this noble and learned lord, who was much given to swearing and parsimony, that he was a rigid disciplinarian in his religion, for that in his house it was _passion week in the parlour, and lent in the kitchen, all the year round_.

HIGH BOOTS.

A gentleman complaining to his bootmaker that a pair of boots recently sent were too short, and that he wanted a pair to cover the whole calf, had the following _jeu d’esprit_ sent to him:----

These boots were never made for me,
They are too short by half;
I want them long enough, d’ye see,
To cover all the calf.
Why, sir, said Last, with stifled smile,
To alter them I’ll try;
But if they _cover all the calf_,
They must be _five feet high_.

PLAGIARISM.

A celebrated divine, who had prided himself upon his originality, and who would reject his best thought if he imagined it was traceable to any previous author, was startled one day by a friend coolly telling him that every word of his favourite discourse was stolen from a book he had at home. The astonished writer, staggered by his friend’s earnestness, begged for a sight of this volume. He was, however, released from his misery by the other smilingly announcing the work in question to be “Johnson’s Dictionary,” where, continued his tormentor, “I undertake to find every word of your discourse.”

HE PREFERRED RAIN.

After listening to Bushfield Ferrand’s fervid appeal at New Malton, a shrewd Yorkshire farmer was asked what he thought of the speech? His reply was, simply, “Why, I don’t know, but I think six hours’ rain would ha’ done us a deal more good!”

THE RAKE’S PROGRESS.

A captain of a vessel loading coal, went into a merchant’s counting-house, and requested the loan of a rake. The merchant, looking towards his clerks, replied--“I have a number of them, but none, I believe, wish to be hauled over the coals.”

BATTLE OF CAMPERDOWN.

The _Delft_, one of the Dutch ships taken at the battle of Camperdown, was in so shattered a state that, after the greatest exertions for five days to keep her from sinking, all hopes of saving her was given up. The English prize-officer called aside Mr. Hieberg, who had been first lieutenant of the _Delft_, and who remained on board along with a number of the sick and wounded prisoners, who were not in a condition to be removed, and represented that it was impossible to save all; that he intended at a certain signal to throw himself, with his men, into the long-boat, and he invited Hieberg to avail himself of the opportunity to effect his escape. “What!” exclaimed Hieberg, “and leave these unfortunate men?” (pointing to his wounded countrymen, whom it had been necessary to bring on deck, as the hold was already full of water). “No, no; go, and leave us to perish together.” The English officer, affected by the generosity of Hieberg’s answer, replied, “God bless you, my brave fellow: here is my hand; I give you my word I will stay with you.” He then caused his own men to leave the ship, and remained himself behind to assist the Dutch. The _Russel_ soon sent her boats to their succour, which brought off as many as could leap on board them. The boats lost no time in making a second voyage, with equal success. The Delft was now cleared of all but Hieberg and the English officer, with three Dutch subaltern officers, and about thirty seamen, most of them so ill from their wounds as to be unable to move. While still cherishing the hope that the boats would come a third time to their assistance, the fatal moment arrived, and on a sudden the _Delft_ went down. The English officer sprang into the sea and swam to his own ship; but the unfortunate Hieberg perished, the victim of his courage and humanity.

A CANDID THIEF.

During the late session at N----, a man was brought up by a farmer, and accused of stealing some ducks. The farmer said he should know them anywhere, and went on to describe their peculiarity. “Why,” said the counsel for the prisoner, “they can’t be such a very rare breed--I have some like them in my yard.” “That’s very likely, sir,” said the farmer: “these are not the only ducks of the sort I have had stolen lately.”

ONE-EYED WIT.

A man with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. “You have lost,” says the first; “I can see the two eyes in your face, and you can see only one in mine.”

WORTH TEN OF IT.

An old clergyman was in the habit, as soon as he got into the pulpit, of placing his sermon in a crevice under the cushion, where he left it during the singing of the accustomed psalm. One Sunday he pushed the sermon-book too for into the crevice, and lost it. When the psalm was concluded, he called the clerk to bring him a Bible. The clerk, somewhat astonished at this unusual request, brought him a Bible as he was desired. The clergyman opened it, and thus addressed his congregation--“My brethren, I have LOST MY SERMON; but I will read you a chapter in Job WORTH TEN OF IT.”

PAINTING IN BUTTER.

In a club the other day, sat two gentlemen, one of whom has attained fame upon canvas, the other upon paper. He of the pencil was remarkably complimentary to him of the pen--so much so indeed, that the latter at length, with a good-natured laugh exclaimed, “Why, my good fellow, you really show the versatility of your genius in the most striking light: you prove that you can paint not only in oil, but--in butter!”

A WITTY AUCTIONEER.

An auctioneer replied to a person who was importuning him for the remaining change of a pound note, “You must wait with patience till your change come.”

The auctioneer now mentioned, who is remarkable for the boldness of his wit, said to a young jackanapes who was pestering him during the sale, “that he had read of one ass only that spoke, but he now heard another.”

THUNDER.

An itinerant lecturer on Natural Philosophy, and who for some time delivered his prelections in this city, when describing the nature of thunder and the striking phenomena which attend it, gave vent to his alarmed feelings in the following words, “And the repercussant intumescences augment the awful roar.”

MR. SERJEANT BETTESWORTH.

The following lines on Serjeant Bettesworth, which Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to a violent resentment on the part of the barrister:----

“So at the bar the booby Bettesworth,
Though half-a-crown o’erpays his sweat’s worth,
Who knows in law nor text nor margent,
Calls Singleton _his brother serjeant_.”