Chapter III: Appendix: B: Marriage Counseling Agencies 211 (3)

--Possibility that your future spouse may discover that you
have had sexual relations with another person. It may prey on
his or her mind despite the fact that he goes through with
the marriage.

--The possibility that the intimacy is practiced under
conditions so nerve-racking and undesirable that they cheapen
the meaning of the act.

--The risk of venereal disease.

--The possibility--if you are a girl--that the relationship
is exploitive. Perhaps the man is seeking his own satisfaction
with little regard for the girl or her feelings.

After those warnings regarding complete intimacy are given we would like to make it clear that premarital kissing and petting do have a legitimate function. Recently a nurse trainee came to the Penn State clinic; she was overwrought. She said her current boy friend had laid his hand across her breast. Had she been prudish in becoming upset? She was assured that she hadn’t been. But she was urged not to let the incident drive her to aloofness. Frigidness can wreck one’s chances for a happy marriage just as surely as promiscuity.

It is entirely natural for a mutually attracted young couple to desire to caress each other. It is one of nature’s techniques for encouraging mating. Without it we would have fewer marriages--and children. It is harmful only when the attachment between the two people is completely sexual and they rush into an early marriage, or into intercourse without marriage.

Take for example Dorothy and Bob, who wanted some last-minute advice before marrying. Obviously they were crazy about each other. To them a kiss or embrace was a way to convey their adoration. Everything pointed to their being truly in love and the tests showed them to be well-matched. To deny them such expression of affection when together would not only frustrate their love but might even impair their adjustment in marriage.

Their kind of innocent petting however should not be confused with the “exploitive” kind practiced by a student we’ll call Hale. He said quite casually that he “loves ’em and leaves ’em.” Investigation showed that was precisely what he did. And while he was apparently not as irresistible as he implied, he did find some girls to join him in his sex adventuring. Some naïvely fell for his line. Others joined in quite frankly for the thrill involved in exploring each other. Both Hale and two of the promiscuous girls involved showed in their tests strong traces of emotional instability which would make them poor marriage prospects. Before a girl becomes involved in any petting she should make sure in her own mind that it is not the “exploitive” kind.

Caressing or petting becomes definitely dangerous when physical contact and stimulation become ends in themselves. In the case of an engaged couple in love the intimacy is not just an end in itself but an expression of affection. The important thing is that sexual feeling should develop and grow out of the friendship and courtship of two people, it should not be the initial basis for it. There is likely to be exploitation involved if a couple feel impelled to engage in petting during the first few dates. Petting is progressive and can carry a couple much further than they intend to go. That is the big danger.

Ideally a couple should marry when their friendship and courtship have developed in them such strong sexual feelings toward each other that there is a physical and psychological need for satisfaction. This is why society is more tolerant of petting after a couple become engaged. It is nature’s preparation for marriage. The trouble of course is in the serious lag involved between the time a couple may be ripe physically for marriage and the time they are prepared vocationally and emotionally to marry. We still have our child brides in backwoods areas but most modern Americans do not consider it feasible to marry until they are well in their twenties. And in our civilization that is proper. But it does impose serious temptations on the people who have to wait.

From the time they pass out of adolescence young people--especially men--need outlets for the sexual tensions building up within them. There seems little doubt to us that refraining from any sort of sexual expression does impair one’s psychological balance and mental health. Personality can be damaged and physical health may be damaged. But if we rule out climactic sexual relations with another person what alternatives are left? There are three major forms this can take.

--Climaxes in the dream world. This is most common with men
and produces their nocturnal emissions.

--Substitution. This usually means masturbation. Many people
think that masturbation is a sin, that it will produce
insanity, that it leads to skin blemishes or pimples, that
it is something disgusting or filthy, that it stunts your
growth. All the evidence indicates that none of these is
true. A noted psychiatrist, O. Spurgeon English, recently
said: “Most all psychiatrists, psychologists, and educators
today regard masturbation as a normal phenomenon ... indulged
in to some degree by all human beings during the course
of their development.” As we see it, masturbation is a
relatively harmless method of reducing tension providing
feelings of guilt and shame are not connected with it and
providing of course that it is not done excessively.

--Sublimation. You “sublimate” a sexual hunger, or handle it
on a “high” socially approved plane by such things as dancing
and associating a great deal with persons of the other sex.
A young person is greatly helped in this if he is permitted
to date at an early age (fifteen is not too young) and
encouraged to bring his date to his home. Sublimation cannot
reduce sexual hunger but it helps to take your mind off it.

If there is no outlet for these feelings through normal and natural associations with the opposite sex and if parental instruction on sex has been inadequate, really abnormal sex behavior may result.

The most common form of maldevelopment probably is homosexuality. It was once believed that homosexuals were “born that way.” But now it is known that the great majority of them, male and female, are normal in a bodily sense. Their abnormal behavior is clearly the result of unfortunate conditioning. Perhaps a boy was pampered too much as a child and has had little chance to mingle with the other sex, and then is rebuffed when he attempts to make dates because he seems namby-pamby or effeminate. While being forced away from associating with girls the hormones are being poured into his blood stream. The boy becomes tense without realizing why and without any outlet to reduce the tension. Bit by bit he may turn to persons of his own sex for sexual satisfaction, first perhaps through mutual masturbation and finally through homosexuality.

It is known that there is much more homosexuality in girls’ or boys’ schools than there is at co-educational institutions. One study showed that one-third of married women have had at some time in their unmarried days intense emotional relations with other women, even though some did not recognize the behavior as sexual in character. There is every reason to believe that more women engage in homosexual behavior than is true of men. This is understandable in view of the fact that expressions of affection between women are much more acceptable than is true of expressions of affection between men. Nobody thinks anything of two women greeting each other with a kiss, walking hand in hand or with arms clasped about each other. Men would be looked upon suspiciously if they engaged in any such behavior.

Still other abnormal outlets sexual feeling will take if it is not provided with normal or acceptable forms of expression are:

--_Voyeurism_, or “Peeping Tom” behavior, brought about by
curiosity about sexual behavior of other individuals because
the person is repressed and lacks sexual information himself.

--_Fetishism_, which produces an unnatural sex attachment to
objects rather than persons. The objects may be shoes, hair
curls, wearing apparel. The possession and fondling of such
articles create arousal and satisfaction of sex feelings.

--_Pedophilia_, or unnatural attachment for children, perhaps
because it offers them a “safe” way to inspect and caress
human anatomy.

--_Sadism and masochism._ The first feeling comes from
inflicting pain on another, the second from having pain
inflicted on one’s self. This involves the sensual feeling of
pleasure-after-pain which we have already mentioned.

But to get back to the problem of finding socially approved outlets for sexual feeling before marriage. We would advise couples rigorously to refrain from direct sexual stimulation and other below-the-shoulder petting until marriage is fairly imminent if they hope to abstain from intercourse before marriage. The excitation of such petting is apt to swirl a couple into complete intimacy despite their best intentions not to go that far.

We would not undertake to advise young people how far they should go in their petting, but feel that every young person--as a part of his or her personal philosophy of life--should decide just what his limits should be. When the limit is set here are some hints on how to make it stick.

--Reserve even your good-night kisses for people you are
genuinely fond of. A girl should not cheapen them by letting
a casual date lead her to the davenport to collect a reward
for taking her out. And don’t fall into the error of thinking
that free-and-easy petting will increase your popularity. It
won’t except with people who would make unstable mates anyway.

--Limit carefully the time you are alone with a person of the
other sex under romantic conditions. It is almost a “rule of
love” that the longer a couple are alone with nothing much to
do, the greater the likelihood they will pet. Several college
girls tell us they never agree finally to a date until they
are sure there will be something definite to do--go to
the movies, dance or play gin rummy. If parents or school
authorities set a time limit for you to be home they are
really doing you a favor.

--Learn to sense when either is becoming physically aroused
and stop. Again college girls tell us that when they
recognize the danger signals they suggest to the man that
they dance, go for a soda or take a walk.

--Learn that alcoholic beverages may relax your inhibitions
to the point where you will go much further than you
intended. That is why some people wisely refrain from
drinking or limit themselves severely while on a date.

ARE YOU WARM OR COOL BY NATURE?

Some people respond to their mates with a greater intensity
of emotion than do others. This test should reveal your own
responsiveness.

1. Were you reared in an affectionate family? Yes No

2. Do you become excited at a close football or baseball
match? Yes No

3. Are you strongly moved by sentimental music or a romantic
movie? Yes No

4. When friends are away a week do you feel their absence a
great deal? Yes No

5. Do you have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends? Yes No

6. Does it help you to take your troubles to friends? And
do you want them to bring their troubles to you? Yes No

7. Are you fond of children? Yes No

8. Do you compliment others frequently--and sincerely? Yes No

9. Does it distress you to see someone in pain? Yes No

10. Do you feel you are _actively_ affectionate with the
person of the opposite sex that you like best? Yes No

11. Do you fed you are free from repressions? Yes No

12. When your feelings are hurt do you get over the hurt
quickly? Yes No

13. Do you participate in two or three social organizations? Yes No

14. Do you find it easy to mix with casual acquaintances? Yes No

15. In associating with people of the opposite sex are you
open and natural rather than stand-offish? Yes No

16. Do you consider yourself well-adjusted sexually? Yes No

17. Do you like to look after a sick person? Yes No

18. Were your own parents affectionate? Yes No

If you answered _yes_ to fifteen or more of these you are
a warm, ardent person and should be able to work out a
satisfying sexual adjustment in marriage. If you answered
_yes_ to nine or less you appear to be reserved and cool by
nature. Your best chance in marriage will be with a person of
similar disposition.

_Chapter VII_

Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away?

Getting along with the other sex is one of the most important skills you will ever learn--if you do learn it.

If you fail to achieve a good adjustment it will show up in other aspects of your life. Failure to get along with others is undoubtedly one of the biggest reasons why people fail at their jobs. Far more people are dropped from their positions or are passed over in awarding promotions because of personality inadequacies than are dropped because of technical incompetence. The person who can’t get along well on a job is usually not a good risk in marriage. And the person who cannot get along with acquaintances is usually not a good risk for a job or for marriage.

Likewise, when you find a happily married person you will also usually find a person who is happy in his work and in his social contacts. And whether or not you get along with people--particularly of the other sex--depends primarily upon the sort of training you had in childhood. Professor Terman found that happily married people were people whose own parents had been happily married ... were people who had a great deal of love and affection for their parents ... were people who had been punished only mildly and infrequently by their parents and had been disciplined firmly but not harshly. It is not impossible to replace bad traits with good but it will become increasingly difficult with each passing year.

How do you impress people of the other sex? Did you ever stop to ask yourself that? To find the answer you will have to adopt the attitude Socrates is alleged to have recommended: “Know thyself.”

Have you ever stopped to make an inventory of your assets and liabilities? Perhaps you have traits which you have lived with so long that you aren’t aware of them, but which greatly annoy people you want to know better. Or perhaps the traits are not downright offensive but weaken your appeal. The test in this chapter, “Do You Have a Negative or Positive Personality?” may help you in making an inventory.

If you feel something is holding you back from popularity with the other sex try to get to the root of your trouble. If people do not ask you out, why don’t they? If some dislike or avoid you, what is the explanation? If some people seem merely to tolerate you, what is the trouble? If you feel you do not have as much influence in your group as you would like to, what is undermining your influence? Below we are going to point out a dozen of the major trouble-making characteristics. Perhaps some of them may apply to you.

* * * * *

DO YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Perhaps you are haunted by deep feelings of inferiority, feelings which may come from your lack of association--compared to other persons your own age--with the opposite sex, or perhaps you have been thrown into a more “sophisticated” group than you were accustomed to. Another possibility is that you lack the knowledge to intermingle suavely. Perhaps you still feel clumsy--and must watch your feet--while dancing. Perhaps you dread the ceremony of introducing people because you are vague on the etiquette involved. Perhaps you are not sure you are dressed appropriately for the occasion. Perhaps you don’t know when to use the right fork or spoon. Perhaps you are not quite sure how to act in saying good night to a date, or how to thank a hostess for a delightful evening.

The answer to this type of problem is simple. If you feel ill at ease because you feel you are a poor dancer, then learn to be a better dancer. Take lessons, or simply practice on your own living-room floor. If it is etiquette that bothers you read any of a dozen books on the subject, and watch carefully how others around you behave. One more thing--if you are haunted by feelings of inferiority, learn to do some one thing superlatively well, even if it is only table tennis or gin rummy. This will bring you recognition from the group and ease your feelings of self-consciousness.

General Eisenhower has said that self-confidence is the greatest asset one can have in the world. John Powers, originator of the famed Powers Model Agency, tells his new models that the biggest thing they have to learn is self-assurance, and he quotes to them General Eisenhower’s remark.

* * * * *

ARE YOU ALOOF? Many young people, after they have been bruised a couple of times in their early contacts with the opposite sex, wrap their ego up in a protective shell so that no one can hurt them again. Other people, particularly girls, want to be dated so badly and feel so anxious about not being dated more that they “freeze” when anyone approaches them for a date. They are anxious not to appear over-anxious, and again aloofness results. Finally, girls who teach often frighten men away through their aloofness. The teacher often carries into her dating, unconsciously, the reserve she develops in the classroom for disciplinary reasons.

Whatever the source of the aloofness, the attitude is interpreted by the opposite sex as coldness and indifference. Possible dates are frightened away because you appear unapproachable and perhaps a bit haughty.

* * * * *

DO YOU HAVE A “LOW BOILING POINT” EMOTIONALLY? Some of us have built up emotional habits that prevent us from getting along with persons of the opposite sex. We habitually lose our tempers, act rudely, show our anxieties, or go to pieces. They lead inevitably to quarrels with our boy friends or girl friends. If you are easily upset by frustrations or anger you find yourself involved in temper outbursts and profanity, both of which are highly repelling to anyone in the opposite sex interested in you.

* * * * *

DO YOU DAYDREAM FREQUENTLY? The daydreaming itself does not annoy others, but daydreaming holds you back from appearing at your best. Daydreaming is usually simply the imaginary representation of satisfactions you do not achieve in real life. When you let your daydreams become a substitute for real achievement, your personality is definitely slipping and the outcome may be dangerous. If you must daydream, make it planful.

* * * * *

DO YOU OFTEN COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR HEALTH? It is bad enough for your marriage prospects to appear unhealthy. It is even worse if you complain of your aches and pains. You not only bring the other person’s attention even more on your short-comings, but reveal yourself to be something of a hypochondriac, who is defined in Webster’s dictionary as a person suffering from “a mental disorder characterized by morbid anxiety as to the patient’s health....”

* * * * *

DO YOU BLAME YOUR TROUBLES AND MISTAKES ON OTHERS? This is one of the most vicious mental habits one can get into. Psychologists call it the habit of “projection.” You project your failures upon somebody else. The boy says he is not able to get along with girls because his father will not let him have the car. The girl blames her failure to have dates upon her mother for not giving her the right kind of clothes. Such a habit is much more serious than first appears. In the first place, one’s listeners are not fooled by such projections, and in the second place the individual who gets into such a habit fails to profit by his mistakes. Thus he loses opportunity for making improvement.

* * * * *

ARE YOU INTOLERANT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT LIKE YOU? Broadmindedness or tolerance is a trait we must have if people are to like us. To be broadminded or tolerant, you usually need to be both intelligent and well informed. Intolerance and bigotry are either based on ignorance of other people or on a mind that knows the facts but is all twisted up. One should not confuse broadmindedness with low standards and ideals. A broadminded person may be tolerant of an individual whose own standards are low even though the broadminded person tries to live by practical, realistic and decent standards. You can be an unchanging believer in a particular religion or be an invariable follower of one political party, but at least you should keep from ramming your personal views down the throats of others. When you voice intolerances you usually antagonize acquaintances who are startled by your narrow views.

* * * * *

ARE YOU ARGUMENTATIVE? Many persons, because of their biases or prejudices or emotional tension, constantly want to argue. They hope by arguing to convince others of the correctness of their own views. The louder they shout the more persuasive their argument--so they think. Actually, arguing rarely ever convinces anyone. And the one sure result is that it will create hard feelings, if engaged in vehemently. As long as a discussion can remain good humored and considerate, with nobody raising his voice or becoming agitated, worth-while ideas may be exchanged.

* * * * *

DO YOU BORE PEOPLE BY YOUR TALKING? Do you chatter inanely or do you annoy people by constantly talking “shop?” One can talk about one’s job without talking “shop.” The important difference is that he talks about those aspects of his occupation that will interest an outsider with normal curiosity. And he talks about his job only if the listener shows by smiling or nodding his head that the subject intrigues him. Being able to talk is not nearly so important as being able to talk in a _congenial way_. The congenial person sees that conversations cover only topics that are mutually interesting, and he avoids talking too much. Further, he is sensitive enough to catch the mood of the other person and is flexible enough to join in that mood. Finally, the congenial talker is sensitive enough to lead the conversation away from subjects that will only bring conflict.

* * * * *

ARE YOU SELF-CENTERED? Perhaps you were “spoiled” as a child or are so richly endowed with physical charm or with talent you feel yourself to be the center of the universe. For example, the girl may have temper tantrums in public, she may humiliate her escort by biting sarcasm or devastating scorn. Often her escort simply serves as a foil for her “brilliance” or good looks. She frightens her man away because he sees himself going through life as a planet in her orbit. Such a girl is not seeking a husband as such; what she wants is a background for her own personality. After being hurt by her a few times a man runs away and seeks a girl who will pour balm on his injured ego.

* * * * *

ARE YOU AGGRESSIVE? A man may offend decent girls by being aggressively “on the make.” A girl may be aggressive by being a “gold-digger,” and scare men away by being both expensive and inconsiderate. Or she may be aggressive simply in the sense that she is worried about the shortage of males and sets out grimly to get a man before it is too late. In match-making, man is jealously proud of his role of pursuer and does not want his traditional role usurped by the skirted sex. Thus most men resent overt signs of aggression by a girl.

* * * * *

ARE YOU REPELLING PHYSICALLY? Most girls like to have a man who is taller than they are. Feelings of prestige are involved.

Poor health, extreme tallness or shortness, extreme obesity or thinness, very dark or very light complexion, poor motor coördination, seriously impaired vision, impaired hearing, unbecoming teeth, body odor, a general appearance of being weak and easily tired detract greatly from one’s personality. Other things that detract are bizarre features such as tattoos, the appearance of being under-sexed. In general a person should never be more than twenty per cent over or under the weight for his height.

In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, orthodentistry, dermatology, etc., a girl or man can get rid of most irregular features. And those that can’t be removed can be overshadowed. The physical paralysis of the late President Roosevelt did not influence people negatively because of the great personal charm of the man. The impairment of hearing of Thomas Edison did not diminish the respect and liking that people had for his genius.

Odor is tremendously important in the impressions that one makes on others. It is believed that one of the reasons men like women and women like men is that their respective odors are agreeable to each other. Halitosis, perspiration odors, clothing odors resulting from wearing clothing in places of work where the air is redolent with manufacturing processes, may ruin your chances for marrying the one you want. Almost any girl or man who is in good health, who is willing to take care of his teeth, who avoids wearing clothing saturated with occupational odors and who is careful to avoid perspiration smells can be wholesome and fragrant. Perfume should be used to enhance the true natural body odor of the individual and not to mask unpleasant ones.

Actually, physical appearances rarely need hurt seriously a person’s chances of marriage providing they retain self-assurance. The trouble is that a person with a prominent nose or big feet is so concerned about the specific defects that he convinces himself he presents an ugly appearance. He develops feelings of inferiority, and that is where the real trouble begins.

The person who holds his head up, who can look you straight in the eye, whose face is animated when he talks, is better looking and better liked than the individual who does not do these things. The _restful_ physical position, the alert face and animated expression convey to others the feeling that you are poised. Poise and self-confidence make up a large part of “good looks.”

Assuming that after reading this chapter you have concluded you have some bad habits that are hurting your chances of getting a desirable mate, how can the habit be broken? It is not easy. There are two major thoughts to keep in mind in trying to break a habit. First, once you decide to break the habit, you must not let any exception occur. The reforming drunkard who has trouble walking past bars knows that just one nip will set off a chain of violations. The longer he can keep from drinking the weaker the urge to drink becomes and soon he can pass bars without any trouble at all, and in fact with scorn. The second idea in breaking a habit is to substitute something in the habit’s place. A person wants to stop eating sweets. Several years ago one of the cigarette manufacturers sold millions of cigarettes by proposing that a person with a sweet-tooth should reach for a cigarette instead of a sweet. This was the principle of substitution. A substitute for a boy who bites his fingernails may be something like this. He can reason:

“I have a desire to bite my nails but I have a bigger desire not to bite my nails. While it is difficult not to bite my nails it is much more important that my nails look acceptable if I am to get dates. I would rather have dates than bite my fingernails.” Such a bigger goal may help you break any habit that offends people you want to impress.

Girls probably are more concerned about the impression they create than men. Here is some advice to women that one investigator, a man, offered after making a study of the habits of women:

--Don’t wear styles that men consider queer.

--Don’t neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned
by such things as hair curlers, awkward positions and
postures, unattractive sounds in the throat, making up in
public.

--Don’t fail to answer a man, and promptly, when he addresses
you; he may feel slighted by inattention.

--Don’t nag a man. Men flee to office, club, other women--anywhere
but where the nagger is.

--Don’t tell off-color stories or use coarse language. Most
men resent them in women.

--Don’t show jealousy. All men abhor a jealous woman.

--Don’t compare your male companion unfavorably with another
man.

--Don’t giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract his
attention.

DO YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE PERSONALITY?

Subtract five points for each of the _repelling_ traits you possess. (Be honest.) And add five points for each of the _appealing_ traits you can honestly claim as a consistent part of your personality.

REPELLING TRAITS APPEALING TRAITS
1. Jealous Broadminded
2. Irritable Loyal to friends
3. Unbecoming teeth Truthful
4. Unpleasant body odor Tolerant
5. Intolerant Considerate
6. Uncomfortable in groups Affectionate
7. Full of anxieties Optimistic
8. Hot-tempered Good humored
9. Inclined to daydream Tactful
10. Rude Generous
11. Blame others for mishaps Enthusiastic
12. “Go to pieces” when upset Ability to accept criticism
13. Bite your nails Admit mistakes
14. Loud in talking Don’t make excuses
15. Profane habitually Dress appropriately
16. Laugh at mistakes of others Possess good health
17. Flaunt your knowledge Friendly
18. Talk about your bad health Modulated voice
19. Argumentative Reasonable
20. Brusque Congenial conversationalist
21. Aggressive Neat
22. Uncoöperative Clean
23. Lack confidence in self Correct use of English
24. Domineering Good posture and carriage
25. Selfish High ideals
26. Crude Consistently dependable
27. Egocentric (conceited) Naturalness
28. Gossipy Frankness
29. Unpredictable Attractive teeth
30. Envious of others Unselfish

If you ended up with a negative score you can feel fairly sure that you are being handicapped in your association with the other sex by an unattractive personality. In fact if you checked more than eight of the _repelling_ characteristics (regardless of the number of _appealing_ traits you checked) you have grounds for concern about the impression you create. However, if you checked five or less of the _repelling_ traits and ended with a total positive score of more than one hundred you apparently have an unusually appealing personality.

_Chapter VIII_

Attracting the One You Want

Will You marry the _one_ person you have met whom you would like most to marry, will you have to be content with a second choice, or will you have no choice at all? The answer will depend on how appealing a person you are. And frequently that appeal can be enhanced by knowledge of techniques for winning the romantic interest of persons of the other sex.

The person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in the prospective mate’s head. You must make that person feel the need of a mate ... that you are the person who can best fit that need ... and that the time is ripe for marriage.

First, let’s consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man thinking along those lines:

--She should talk about the man’s basic needs in a subtle,
impersonal way by discussing such things as good food,
comfortable furniture, fireplaces, a place where one can
bring friends. She gets his ideas on the style of home he
likes, and gets his ideas about children. She does all this
in a friendly, optimistic way and avoids discussing some of
the disadvantages that marriage often entails. Veterans are
particularly responsive to such an approach because their
shifting, destructive life as fighting men has filled them
with a profound desire to settle down to a comfortable,
creative life.

--She appeals to the man’s yearning for mastery (which
every man has) by giving him the opportunity to do most of
the talking. She follows his words with genuine interest
and tries to fall in with whatever mood he is in. And she
enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places to go on
dates and things to do. Definitely, she minimizes any
mistakes that he may make, blames him for nothing and keeps
her complaints to herself, or lets them come out only as
friendly, constructive suggestions.

--She makes herself physically appealing.

--She does not discuss any poor physical health she may have,
nor does she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for
always getting into trouble.

--She lets him get the impression that other men are
interested in her, but makes it plain that they do not
interest her nearly as much as this particular man.

--She does not run down other girls.

--She makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular, and
very successful in his work.

--She talks casually about her married friends and gets
across the idea that they are terribly glad they married.

--She strives to make every occasion with this man an
enjoyable one.

--Finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes
him and that his feelings toward her matter a great deal.

In short, the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations which make the man feel good inside for having been with her. Soon he’ll start thinking that it would be nice to have that good feeling inside for the rest of his life. That is the mood in which proposals germinate.

What are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a receptive mood for a proposal? Here are a few:

--If he is a shrewd, practical psychologist he can detect
the chief source of her feelings of inferiority. Most girls
feel inferior about something, usually something about their
appearance since that looms so important to them. Perhaps
they are acutely conscious of big hands or thick ankles or
mouse-colored hair. In such cases the man should reserve his
most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety. He
does not need to mention them specifically, but he should
word the compliments in such a way that those features are
obviously included in his admiration. The girl will be so
grateful that she will want to be with the man as much as she
can just to hear him say such nice things.

--The man should be “romantic” if it kills him. He should
remember that women inherently are much more sentimental
than men. If it weren’t for feminine sentiment there never
would have been a Valentine’s Day. The actual sex urge is not
as strong in girls as it is in men, so they are much more
interested in the _forms_ of courting than in sex expression
itself. They want to be told again and again that you adore
them.

--The man, if he is adept, can play effectively on the girl’s
feeling of insecurity. Security is the most important thing
in the world to women. Though girls can make their own living
nowadays, most of them still feel their greatest chance for
real security lies in marriage. How can the man play on
these feelings of insecurity?--by talking to the girl in
detail about her job, about her aspirations, her plans for
the future. He can accomplish the same result by the reverse
technique of talking casually and impersonally about all the
things that stand for security in a woman’s mind. He can
analyze house plans in a magazine with her; he can talk about
his own future at his job and the prospects that some day he
will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income.

--The man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit
masterful. Despite all the feminine emancipation of the past
few decades, women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be
swooped up, whisked away and relieved of all their problems.

--He should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be
careful that he observes all the amenities of politeness.
Women are more impressed by etiquette than men.

--He should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has
about his job or his future generally.

--He should let the idea seep out that he is now in a
marriageable state of mind and that other girls seem
interested in him. Girls have a more fiercely competitive
spirit in their mate-seeking than men.

For people who are still a little baffled about the whole business of courtship, we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning a mate. We have seen it work wonders in scores of cases.

The amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates but for snaring customers for American products such as refrigerators. It is sometimes called the AIDA advertising formula, named from the first letters of the formula’s four key words--Attention, Interest, Desire, and Action. To get a person to buy a refrigerator you must first attract his attention, then generate an interest, instill a desire to own the refrigerator, and then give him the final prod that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned money for the machine.

When applied to your situation, it involves these four stages in winning a mate: First, the prospective mate’s attention must be directed toward you. Upon noticing you, he must see something that will arouse his interest. Then he must be stimulated to have a desire to know you better. When desire is aroused sufficiently, action (agreement to marry) results.

There are, of course, many approaches to attracting a person’s attention. A man has more liberties here in making himself seen than a girl but let’s consider some of the socially-approved approaches a girl can make. She can arrange for relatives, friends and social and business acquaintances to introduce men to her. In this her role can appear passive. Or she can use the be-where-men-are approach by attending parties, meetings and community affairs which by their very nature bring her into contact with men.

After winning the person’s attention--whether you are a man or a girl--the best way to arouse his or her interest is through conversation--and not just any conversation. Here out of the whole universe is one person before you. What kind of person is he or she? What are his or her interests? Unharness your curiosity and ask friendly, tactful questions. And you should make it clear that you regard the person’s answers as worth-while. Emphasize the _you_ with such questions as “What do _you_ think about ...” or “_Your_ idea is the most sensible I’ve heard yet.” Whether you are male or female, learn to be a _good listener_, or rather a _good interrogator_. Lead the person into topics he or she seems to relish discussing, and if you see frowns or looks of discomfort change the subject.

Jim may be very much interested in photography. He will like you if you ask him questions about his photography, whether he develops his own pictures, the kind of camera he has, the unusual pictures he has taken. However, you must use insight. Nana may be an expert stenographer but may not be very proud of her vocation and so would be more appreciative of questions about her taste in clothes, about the different places she has lived, the books she has enjoyed reading, the movie stars she likes, the places she has visited.

If you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly gone a long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose attention you have. Now if you are still interested, begin asking more personal questions about the person’s background. Perhaps this does not come until after several dates. The aim is to arouse in this person a desire to know you still better. Tell him the things you admire in the opposite sex. Intimate that you are sure he must be very popular. By attributing such a personality to him, you create in him a desire to know you better! Once this desire is firmly created, a courtship has begun that may very well lead to the altar.

What traits do people especially look for in mates? One study of college women and college men found these traits to be mentioned most often:

GIRLS WANT IN MEN MEN WANT IN GIRLS

Congeniality Intelligence
Intelligence Beauty of form and figure
Companionship Congenial companionship
“Handsome” form and features Neatness
Wit Appealing dress
Good nature Good sportsmanship
Neatness Modesty
Sincerity Good morals
Dependability Sincerity
Good sportsmanship Wit
Sex appeal Sense of humor
Flexibility Sex appeal
Good morals Honesty
Honesty Truthfulness
Good manners Friendliness

At Penn State students were asked for the qualities they were looking for in their future mate and a quite different list resulted. They wanted their mate to have:

Honesty Good health
Affection Love for children
Cleanliness Same religion
Sense of humor Neatness
“Good background” Have character

Still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what kind of woman they want for a wife, the majority will state that they want a girl who is dark, reasonably slender, intelligent, with a reasonably good figure, and is average to tall in height, and is affectionate in disposition. The emphasis here is on physical appearance. However, only 10 per cent of the men insist that the girl must be “pretty.” Only about fifteen per cent insist that their wife be a blonde, despite the glamorizing of the blonde, and thirty-three per cent of the men say that they do not want blondes under any circumstances. Even the plump girl has a chance. About seventeen per cent of the men want a wife who is plump to solid.

“Looks” certainly are a factor in one’s attractiveness to the opposite sex, particularly with girls. But actually almost any girl can appear attractive to men if she has only one or two really attractive features, providing she is intelligent enough to capitalize on them. She may be flat-chested or knock-kneed but the men scarcely notice that because she designs herself so that her bad features are not seen. The eye is directed to the good features, whether they be lustrous hair or luminous eyes. Some of the most famous stars in Hollywood are either knock-kneed, thick-ankled or big-footed. The only really ugly girls in this world are the freaks, the crude girls, the girls who appear sexless, and the girls who look unhealthy.

“Good looking” girls are the ones who make a good _first_ impression, and have such attractive personalities that the impression persists. There you have an important distinction. “Looks” are important in attracting the possible mate’s attention. There is a psychological factor involved. For reasons of prestige a man usually wants to prove to his friends that he has picked a “looker” when he shows off his new girlfriend. But once the attention is secured, looks for either a man or girl become decidedly secondary considerations. From then on a person stands or falls on his personality. A man can be an Adonis or a girl can be symmetrically perfect. Yet they can bore you and you can’t get them out of your sight fast enough.

What is the normal physical appearance of a man and woman? One physician has found that the average woman has a height of about five feet four inches and weighs approximately 132 pounds. For every inch of additional height she may add five pounds; for every inch less of height she should subtract five. The man, on the other hand, has an average height of about five feet seven inches, or three inches higher than the girl. He should weigh about 142 pounds. For every inch of height more or less a man can add about eight pounds, if he has his clothes on.

Some women want their men to be “tall, dark and handsome” but statistics would seem to indicate that only about one man in two hundred attains the height of six feet.

Sometimes young people develop terrible inferiority complexes because of specific ugly features they have. Since a feeling of confidence and poise is so important in winning a mate it might be advisable for one with a bad nose, for example, to have a plastic surgery operation. As everyone knows, plastic surgery made tremendous strides in the recent war. A good plastic surgeon will remake your nose for a price averaging about three hundred dollars. The operation itself requires less than an hour, and you may be out of circulation for only a couple of weeks. Such an operation leaves no scars because it is performed through the nostrils rather than from outside. Many other operations of this kind are possible: operations that will eliminate scars, that will improve a bad chin, that will give the lips a configuration, etc. The operation may be worth while if it is the only way to remove a source of anxiety. In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, orthodentistry, dermatology, etc. almost any person can rid himself of really abnormal features. And once you have achieved fairly harmonious features your personality is what counts.

It is significant that in defining a truly beautiful woman John Powers, the model agent, listed these four things as being in the top ten ingredients of beauty:

A radiant personality
Integrity of character
Complete self-assurance
Intellectual curiosity

One Hollywood columnist wrote in his column the following two sentences that should cause anyone to think: “Beauty is a drug on the market. Personality can command any price.”

Complete self-assurance (tempered by modesty of course) is undoubtedly the most helpful characteristic anyone can have in competing for mates. The person who has an inferiority complex may have developed it because of physical features which prey on his mind, or because of some inadequate behavior in the past. He may have made poor grades in school or not have been able to earn a letter in athletics. There are many ways to acquire self-confidence. Here are some:

Starting a savings account
Going to the “right places”
Participating in amateur shows
Dressing as well as you can
Owning a good collection of books or classical records
Joining a fraternity or fraternal organization
Taking part in church activities
Buying property or organizing a business
Becoming a Scout Leader

But one of the best of all possible ways to rid yourself of an inferiority complex and to develop self-confidence is to become skillful in social activities that young people frequently enter into. Learn to be expert at tennis or golf or Ping-pong or bridge or canoeing, or swimming or bowling or skeet-shooting or gin rummy, or saxophone playing, or being an amateur magician. Nothing builds up confidence faster than to possess a secret skill that interests or amuses people of the opposite sex. Most important of all, learn to be a skillful dancer. If you can float about a dance floor it instills confidence in you, and admiration in your dancing partner. Besides, you will enjoy yourself more. And a person who knows how to enjoy himself is attractive to other people.

_Chapter IX_

Is the One You Want the One You Need?

The average young person considering his or her prospects of marriage, we find, thinks only in terms of what he wants in a mate. But actually anyone facing realistically the problem of selecting a mate should realize that three things, not one, ought to be considered: 1. What you want. 2. What you need. 3. What you can get.

Perhaps the ideal in your mind of the mate you want is not only something you can’t get but also something you have no need for. What you want may be unattainable in the community in which you live. For example, if a girl would not marry a coal miner though she lived in a small coal-mining community, she might either have to modify her standards, move to a different community, or become an old maid.

Ordinarily you might think that the kind of mate you might want would be the kind you would need. But it often happens that a person’s desires are based on frivolous or impractical considerations; or upon the desire merely to “marry into money.”

During the past several years, students in Penn State’s psychology classes on preparation for marriage have been asked what amount of money they would consider an absolute minimum on which they would be willing to marry. The girls consistently specified more than the men. The average for the boys is $2,450, and for the girls $2,950. More than ten per cent of the girls have specified that they will not marry until their groom has an income of more than five thousand dollars. Obviously such girls are insisting on incomes which are more than they need and almost certainly more than they can get.

Take the case of Miriam, who specified that her man must be earning at least four thousand dollars a year before she will consider marrying. She set the figure that high because she says she knows nothing about cooking or managing a home so will have to hire someone else to do that. This man she will be willing to marry must be of “superior intelligence” (even though her intelligence is barely average), he must be six feet tall, be dark and handsome, be a good dancer; he must have broad shoulders and a “strong face.” He must be a good Culbertson bridge player; he must smoke a pipe; he must come from a “distinguished” family and must be either a physician or lawyer. Finally, she wrote, he must be a man who will put her on an altar and worship her.

Miriam has thought vaguely of children but thinks they should be put off for at least five years so that she may follow a dancing or theatrical career if something should develop. It is conceivable, of course, that she can find such a man, but considering her background and talents we doubt that she could interest him in marriage.

Often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment rather than upon basic or long-range needs. A couple in their early twenties may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the main qualifications for marriage. They dance so much that dancing looms large in their life. But ten years from now, when they will probably dance only a few times a year, it may be an unessential qualification while the ability to manage finances may add to the total family income and help weather a serious depression.

Qualities that may make a boy or girl a wonderful date are not necessarily the qualities that will make a wonderful mate. The two can be profoundly different. A girl wants a date for a party or dance. She wants a man who can dance, who will be admired as “good looking,” who will be a “good mixer,” who may be a “catch,” perhaps a football star or a radio actor. While these may be qualities needed for a date or dance, they probably will not be important qualities she will need in a mate for happiness in marriage. Don’t confuse a “good date” with a “good mate,” for what you want in a date may be far removed from what you need in marriage.

Too many times people fall in love with glamorous traits in the other. A girl “falls in love” with Bill because she loves his flattery or his dancing or his car or his taste in clothes. They cast such a halo effect that the girl gives little thought to the fact that Bill is a chronic heavy drinker. If she could see that his drinking will probably wreck any marriage he undertakes, she could spare herself much heartache.

Some people set their “mate goals” so high that they would rather remain unmarried than marry anyone below these standards. Years later they may be terribly disappointed and frustrated as a result. In the summer marriage classes at Penn State, which are largely made up of unmarried school teachers, many have confessed that they could have married when younger but somehow the man didn’t seem quite good enough. Now, too old to hope to marry, most of them wish they had been more practical in their middle twenties and not have had to wait until the late thirties or futile forties to see their error.

We know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects for mates--and they actually favor the idea of marrying--but we would be willing to predict that they will be bachelors. They are too fussy. They find something in every girl they go with that does not conform to their idea of an ideal mate.

How do we come by our ideals for mates? During adolescence and childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a “dream hero or heroine,” a sort of “phantom lover.” He or she is a composite of all the qualifications they want their future mate to have. No such paragon ever exists in real life and the mental image does undergo some modifications as the individual grows older.