Chapter V: Appendix: B: Marriage Counseling Agencies 211 (5)

TRAIT IX. If you are a man and your final score is thirty or above; or if you are a girl whose adjusted (doubled) score is sixty or more, you would seem to be a thoughtful person who has done considerable thinking about marriage and its responsibilities. Particularly does this seem to be true of women. Attitudes toward marriage would appear to be wholesome and concerned about making the marriage a success. A score of twenty-four for a man or of forty-eight for a girl is average. A score of eighteen or less for a man or of thirty-six or less for a girl is low and suggests that you may be immature in your thinking and that you have not given much consideration or thought to the responsibilities of marriage.

* * * * *

TRAIT X. This test measured your family background to see if you had been reared in the kind of home in which parents and circumstances were favorable to developing traits and attitudes essential to happy marriage. If you scored 120 or more, and remember the higher the score the better, your family background was conducive to your happiness in marriage. A score of one hundred is average. If you scored eighty or less, it would seem that your family background was not one that tended to develop in you the traits and attitudes necessary for happiness in marriage.

_Summary_

You took a total of ten tests. If you followed the directions, you have scored them correctly. (If you were a man, you doubled your scores on Traits III, IV, and VII before you interpreted them. If you were a girl, you doubled your scores on Traits V and IX and quadrupled, or multiplied by four, the score you earned on Trait IV.) After having made these adjustments, you then read the interpretations and saw how you compared with other people of your own sex. Perhaps your prospective mate also took the tests and both of you now know how you stand as individuals.

We hope you and your mate made average to high scores on all of these tests. But now you want to know if you are the sort of person, and if your mate is the sort of person, who will be happy in marriage.

Go back to your final adjusted scores on the ten tests. Add all ten of these test scores together if you have not already done so to see what the total is.

If you are a man, and your total is 450 or above you would seem to be the sort of person who has an excellent chance of finding happiness in marriage. This is particularly likely to be the case if you also made high scores on Traits III, IV, VII, and X. If you made a score of about 350 you would seem to be a person who has about an average chance of achieving marriage happiness. If you made a score of 265 or less, you will need to use great care in selecting your mate and be willing to work very hard at making your marriage happy.

If you are a girl and if your score is five hundred or more, you are the kind of person who would seem to have an excellent chance of being happy in marriage. Especially is this likely to be the case if you made high scores on Traits IV, V, IX, and X. If you made a score of about four hundred, your chances would seem to be about average that you will find happiness in marriage. A score of three hundred or less is not too favorable to happiness in marriage.

In our next chapter you are going to be able to compare your testing partner with yourself and see if the two of you would be likely to be happy (if you married _each other_). So far we have just tried to find out if you, or if your mate, is likely to be happy in whatever marriage is entered upon. In this next chapter we want to find out if you _two_ people are likely to be happy in your marriage to each other. You will have need for the final (adjusted) scores on each of the ten tests, as well as your final or total score you calculated by adding the ten separate scores. With these scores for both yourself and your mate, plus the answers to several other questions, you will be able to find out if the two of you are likely to be happy when you marry each other.

_Chapter XII_

Now, See How You Match as a Couple!

In the last chapter you--and perhaps a testing partner--took ten tests to determine your individual chances of achieving happiness in marriage. The tests recorded your rating on nine important personality traits and on your family background.

Now we will see how well matched you are. It is possible that you can get a rough idea how well you are matched to an absentee person without having him take any of the tests in these two chapters. _Suggestions for procedure in such a case are given at the end of this chapter._ However, it is much more desirable, if you want a really accurate picture, to have the other person take the tests and do the matching with you.

The matching of you two will be based not only on the scores you made in the ten tests just taken and your total score on the tests, but also on ten other factors which we have found are important in predicting marital success. They include such things as age, education, length of courtship and tendency to quarrel. These factors together with your test results will present an accurate over-all picture of your compatibility for marriage, or lack of it. And incidentally a “matching” of two people is not as important when both the man and the girl made a _high_ score (above four hundred) in the ten tests just taken as it is if one made a low score and the other a high score, or if both made low scores.

First of all let’s pair up your scores on those ten tests in the last chapter to see what your scores mean on each trait when they are paired together.

Trait I is a sociability factor. You can see how two people, one who is sociable and something of a gadabout and the other a home-body who isn’t sociable, might not be well matched. Both should be sociable and like to go out and be with people, or both should be fireside toasters, home-loving souls who enjoy being alone with each other.

Trait II is a measure of conformity, of agreeableness to others, and conscientiousness. While it is better for both to score high on this trait, if one scores low, it is better that the other score high.

Trait III is a measure of tranquillity or lack of irritability. While it is better for both to score high, if one scores low, it is important that the other should score high, or there may be considerable bickering and angry feelings.

Trait IV is a measure of dependability, frankness, and willingness to accept responsibility. This trait is of _great importance_ to happiness of both men and women, and it is especially important that a girl score high here. Both should score high, but if one scores low, it is quite important that the other score high.

Trait V is a measure of stability. Our research shows that it is of the greatest importance that the two people make about the same scores on this test. While it is better for both to be high, it is more crucial that the girl make a high score, be very stable, than it is for the man.

Trait VI is a measure of standards and ideals. Both should have high scores but it is more important that the man have a good score than the girl because girls have been trained to have higher ideals than men. If one mate has a very low score, then the other by all means should have a high score. That combination will provide a balance wheel.

Trait VII is a measure of steadiness and freedom from excess emotionality. While more important that the man score high, because in most cases he will be the income earner, both should make about the same scores.

Trait VIII is a measure of flexibility and adaptability. While average to high scores are important, and while agreement or about the same scores are desirable, if one must score low it is better for the man to do so than for the woman.

Trait IX is a measure of thoughtfulness and consideration. This is a much more important trait for women than for men, yet at the same time, marriage happiness is definitely promoted by both making about the same scores.

Trait X is important for either the man or the woman, because it measures the family background of both people. It is important that both score as high as possible on this trait. It is even more important for the girl to score high than it is for the man. But if either mate should score low, it is most important that the other score high.

To sum up, it is important that both people make about the same scores on sociability (I), conformity (II), dependability (IV), stability (V) idealism (VI), flexibility (VIII) and seriousness (IX), and the higher the better. If one scored low on the other three (tranquillity, steadiness and family background) it is important that the other score high.

But how can you get a more detailed, concrete picture of your compatibility, or lack of it? On the following pages you are going to see your degree of compatibility emerge from a series of twenty-one figures. When those twenty-one figures are totaled you will have your answer.

_Instructions_

First glance over these “Do You Match?” tables on the next few pages to familiarize yourself with them. In the twenty-one blocks you will match yourselves on the ten traits already tested, you will match your _total_ scores on those traits and then in the last ten will match yourself on ten other factors.

Take the very first item, “Test I.” This matches you on sociability. Suppose the man had an adjusted score of twenty-seven when he took the sociability test in the last chapter and the girl had a score of twenty-four. Look over the five alternative combinations to see where such a scoring fits. It fits in combination (d) so you should write a credit of three points in the block on the right. On “Test II,” suppose the man made an adjusted score of eighteen and the girl of seven. That’s a big difference. Since no such combination is shown, write a zero in the block.

DO YOU MATCH?

TEST I. a. Both scored 30 or above, give credit of 10 points
b. One scored 30 or above, other scored 25-29, credit
5 points
c. Both scored 25-29, credit 5 points
d. One scored 25-29, other scored 21-24, credit 3 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST II. a. Both scored 15 or above, give credit of 8 points
b. One scored 15 or above, other scored 11-14, credit
4 points ___
c. Both scored 11-14, credit 2 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST III. a. Man scored 56 or above, girl 28 or above, credit
12 points
b. Man scored 56 or above, girl 23-27, credit 10
points
c. Man scored 46-55, girl 23 or above, credit 8
points
d. Man scored 37-45, girl scored 23 or above, credit ___
5 points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST IV. a. Man scored 50 or above, girl 100 or above, credit
20 points
b. Girl scored 100 or above, man scored 40-49, credit
15 points
c. Girl scored 100 or above, man scored 31-39, credit
10 points
d. Man scored 40-49, girl scored 81-99, credit 8
points
e. Man scored 31-39, girl scored 81-99, credit 5 ___
points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST V. a. Man scored 40 or above, girl 80 or above, credit
15 points
b. Man scored 31-39, girl 80 or above, credit 12
points
c. Man scored 21-29, girl 80 or above, credit 10
points
d. Man scored 40 or above, girl 60-79, credit 8
points ___
e. Man scored 31-39, girl 60-79, credit 5 points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST VI. a. Both scored 30 or above, give credit of 10
points
b. One scored 30 or above, other scored 25-29,
credit 5 points
c. Both scored 25-29, credit 5 points
d. One scored 25-29, other scored 21-24, credit 3 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST VII. a. Man scored 80 or above, girl 40 or above,
credit 12 points
b. Man scored 80 or above, girl 35-39, credit 10
points
c. Man scored 71-79, girl 40 or above, credit 8
points
d. Man scored 71-79, girl 35-39, credit 5 points
e. Man scored 61-69, girl 40 or above, credit 3 ___
points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST VIII. a. Both scored 22 or above, credit 10 points
b. Man scored 22 or above, girl 13-21, credit 8
points
c. Man scored 13-21, girl scored 22 or above,
credit 5
points
d. Man scored 13-21, girl scored 13-21, credit 3 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST IX. a. Man scored 30 or above, girl scored 60 or above,
credit 15 points
b. Man scored 24-29, girl scored 60 or above,
credit 12 points
c. Man scored 19-23, girl scored 60 or above,
credit 10 points
d. Man scored 30 or above, girl 48-59, credit 8
points
e. Man scored 24-29, girl scored 48-59, credit 5 ___
points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TEST X. a. Both scores 120 or above, credit 20 points
b. One scores 100-119, other scores 120 or above,
credit 15 points
c. Both score 100-119, credit 10 points
d. One scores 120 or above, other scores 81-90,
credit 8 points
e. One scores 100-119, other scores 80 or less, ___
credit 5 points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

TOTAL TEST SCORE

(Total of all ten tests as scored in Chapter XI)

a. Man 460 or above, girl 500 or more, credit 25
points
b. Man 400-459, girl 500 or more, credit 20 points
c. Man 460 or above, girl 425-499, credit 15 points
d. Man 400-459, girl 425-499, credit 10 points ___
e. Man 350-425, girl 400 or above, credit 5 points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

Now score your compatibility on the ten additional factors following and fill the proper credits in the blocks just as you have been doing. On factors 7, 8 and 9 bear in mind that you cannot count as a part of your acquaintanceship, courtship or engagement any period of time of three months or longer when you did not see each other, as is the case where a man was overseas.

1. PARENTS
a. Both sets of parents happily married, credit 15 points
b. One set of parents happy, other set average, credit 10
points
c. Both sets of parents average in happiness, credit 8
points ___
d. One set happy, other set not happy, credit 5 points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

2. SCHOOLING
a. Both members of the couple have had education beyond high
school, credit 10 points
b. Both have completed high school, credit 8 points
c. One has some college, the other has finished high school, ___
5 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

3. RELIGION
a. Both regularly attend the same or similar churches, credit
15 points
b. Both are Jews, Catholics, or Protestants, credit 10 points
c. Although basic religions differ, both have about the same ___
views, credit 5 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

4. PARENTAL APPROVAL
a. Both sets of parents approve this match, credit 12 points
b. One set approves, the other is not opposed, credit 10
points ___
c. One set approves, one set opposes, credit 5 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

5. AGE COMPARISON
a. Both people are within 3 years age of each other, credit
10 points
b. Girl is three or more years older than man, credit 5 ___
points | |
c. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

6. YEARS OF AGE
a. Man is at least 25 years, girl at least 22, credit 10
points
b. Man is at least 23 years, girl at least 20, credit 5
points ___
c. Man 22 years or older, girl at least 19, credit 3 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

7. ACQUAINTANCESHIP
a. Have known each other six years or more, credit 20 points
b. Have known each other 3 but less than 6 years, credit 15
points
c. Have known each other 2 but less than 3 years, credit 10
points
d. Have known each other 1 but less than 2 years, credit 5 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

8. DATING
a. Have been dating and going steady 3 years or more, credit
20 points
b. Have been dating and going steady 2 but less than 3 years,
credit 15 points
c. Have been going steady 1 year but less than 2 years,
credit 10 points
d. Have been going steady 8 months to 1 year, credit 5 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|

9. ENGAGEMENT, IF ANY
a. Have been definitely engaged for over 2 years, credit 20
points
b. Have been definitely engaged 18 months to 2 years, credit
15 points
c. Have been definitely engaged 12 months to 18 months,
credit 10 points
d. Have been definitely engaged not less than 6 months, ___
credit 5 points | |
e. If engaged less than 6 months, no credit |___|

10. QUARRELS
a. There have been no quarrels to speak of during courtship,
credit 20 points
b. Any misunderstandings have been quickly settled by mutual
agreement, credit 15 points
c. While there have been conflicts, no one was so serious
that the couple did not see each other regularly, credit
10 points
d. Misunderstandings have been infrequent and have been ___
settled by one or the other giving in, credit 5 points | |
e. Any other answer receives no credit |___|
--------------------------------------------------------------------
___
| |
Total Final Score |___|

Now, you have twenty-one scores and a Total Final Score. Let us see what this score means.

If the Total Final Score for you two is 250 or above, then you would seem to be very well matched. Furthermore, it would appear that you two people should be quite happy in marriage. If there are no unfavorable factors present such as poor physical health, or inability to make a living, and if you two people are really deeply in love, then your marriage should be a happy one.

If the final score is 200 to 249, you would still seem to be fairly well matched. If there are no unfavorable factors, if both of you are old enough for marriage, if both of you are determined to make it work, you should be happier than is the average couple.

If your final score is 150 to 199, the outlook would not seem to be too favorable. Your marriage might not be as happy as that of the average couple. Why not wait another six months? Give yourselves time to see what some of your problems are. Do something active about them. It may help you to talk things over with a marriage counselor, or with your minister, or somebody else whom you trust and who is mature enough to help you analyze the situation.

If your score is 149 or less, then it would seem that you two people should put off marriage for six months or perhaps a year or longer. You can be sure there are some factors present that should make you stop, look, and listen. Perhaps both of you are not well adjusted as separate personalities, or to each other. Maybe you are of radically different religions, or your parents are opposed to your marriage. Perhaps you need to have a much longer period of courtship or engagement. Whatever the reason, you should talk the matter over with some person competent to advise you. See a good marriage counselor or psychologist who specializes in guidance. Talk things over with your minister, rabbi, or priest. You don’t want to make a mistake and have an unhappy marriage that might terminate in separation or divorce.

Of course you can say, and correctly, that you have little or no responsibility for some of the factors, such as the lack of happiness in your parents’ marriage. Even though this may be the case, you have been affected or influenced by the presence or absence of happiness in your own home.

What are some concrete suggestions that may help you bring about a happy marriage even though one of you, or the two of you, may not have made scores typical of young couples who get married and are happy? These suggestions may be of help to you:

1. If you are introverted (unsociable), you should increase the number of social skills that you have. Oftentimes we find that our enjoyment from association with other people is increased greatly when we learn to do some of the things they do, such as dance, bowl, swim, etc. Try to be outstanding in something.

2. Acquire a philosophy of life. What are your beliefs and views? Are you a conservative or a radical in politics, religion, ethics? Are there some guiding principles in your life? If you aren’t sure, sit down with yourself and try to figure out what you believe in and practice. Check it against your own behavior. Do you say one thing and do another? Are your family and friends rather sure about what you believe in, or do they have trouble predicting what you will do next?

3. Is your temper explosive, unruly, and peevish? Why do you get angry? If it is because you feel inferior, why do you feel inferior? Can’t you do something about it? Do you honestly try to control your temper?

4. Are you unstable, fearful, nervous? Why? Is it because you feel you are unattractive or ignorant, or are you carrying around feelings of guilt and uneasiness about something you feel ashamed of? If it is your physical health, see your physician. If it is your mental health, see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. Develop a trusting confidential relationship with someone, preferably an older person, with whom you can feel free to unburden yourself.

5. Are your standards and ideals too low, or too high, when compared to your behavior? Perhaps you are an intolerant and prejudiced person who is too narrow-minded and prudish. Are you critical and gossipy about many of the things your acquaintances do? Do you know whether you have set your standards impossibly high; so high that you have a constant feeling of frustration because you are always falling short?

6. Are you an emotional person, always going off on a tangent, never able to keep a steady course? Is it because you aren’t in the work you want to do? Can’t you change jobs? Perhaps you are confused in your thinking, disturbed about religion, morals, things that are right or wrong. Have you asked your friends their ideas? Do you keep busy? Have you talked things over with your pastor? Is there some serious frustration always hanging over your head? Why don’t you sit down, take stock of yourself? It is only by an inventory of ourselves, accompanied by a searching analysis, that we discover what is wrong and see ways to clear things up.

7. Are you so set in your ways that you cannot see that “circumstances alter cases?” Do you earnestly try to adapt yourself to people and new situations or do you expect all the adaptation to come from somebody else? Perhaps you are smug, never have a new idea. Try reading a Republican newspaper if you never read anything but a Democratic paper. Go to a different church. Get out of the rut you are in. Listen to other people’s ideas for a change. Don’t be so cocksure that you are always right and the other fellow always wrong.

8. Do you ever sit down and think? Reflect about yourself, your friends, your activities, your responsibilities? Do you stop and ask yourself if you are selfish and inconsiderate? Do you sympathize with others, try to avoid saying things that may hurt somebody’s feelings? Do you build up people rather than tear down? Do you go out of your way to help others?

9. If you and your prospective mate are constantly quarreling, have you stopped asking whose fault it is and started doing your best to prevent conflicts? Unless you two people settle your problems by compromise and mutual give-and-take, your marriage future looks dark.

10. Did you get engaged shortly after you first met? In most real love, an engagement rarely occurs before the couple have known and dated each other regularly for at least a year or longer.

11. Are you sure it is love? Could it be just loneliness, a desire to escape an unpleasant environment? Are you sure it isn’t a “phantasy ideal?”

12. Why don’t your parents approve this marriage? After all, they may have something. Look back in the past--weren’t they right many times then when you thought they were wrong? Unless your friends warmly approve this marriage, your parents are probably right in urging you to wait.

13. Do you really know your mate? What makes one a good date doesn’t usually make one a good mate. Although an hour’s enjoyment of dancing, going to the movies, etc. may be wonderful pastime, it may be far from what you need in a mate. Are you sure what you want in a mate is what you need? Are you sure that what you have found is what you _need_ in a mate?

14. Last but not least is this prospective mate going to be the sort of parent you want your children to have?

When you have finished asking yourself these questions, you will probably have some good ideas what to do if you and your mate didn’t make a score above average. Take your time. It is easier to get married than it is to get separated or divorced, and much easier on one’s disposition in the long run. You want to marry but we want you to make a good choice and to find in marriage all the happiness and contentment that it can bring.

_Procedure If You Are Doing the Matching Alone_

Some readers may wish to see how they match with another person but would prefer to do the matching without consulting him. That can be done, though of course it will be much less accurate. Use the “Do You Match?” tables in this chapter, just as couples working together did. You won’t have much trouble scoring the last ten of the twenty-one items since they are based on known facts. Your greatest problem will be in estimating the scores your mate would make in the ten tests on personality traits. Your estimates will necessarily be rough approximations; but if you have known this person for several months you may have a fair idea how he would answer the various questions in those tests and estimate scores for him accordingly. Be rigidly honest when you imagine the answers this person would make. You can double-check your compatibility with such an absentee person by taking the following short test. It is a greatly abbreviated check on compatibility.

ARE YOU WELL MATED?

Here is a final check-list on compatibility, primarily for
a person who took the tests in Chapter XI by himself. This
test, which can be taken by either a man or woman, provides
you with a rough gauge for determining whether the person
you are dating might make a good mate for you. If you are a
man, change questions to read “she” instead of “he.”

1. Are you two about equally sociable? That is, are you
both either gadabouts or both stay-at-homes? Yes No

2. Are you both stern-minded, with high ideals, or else
are you both broadminded and practical? Yes No

3. Does he find satisfaction and reward in his work? Yes No

4. Is he over 20, under 40, and not divorced? Yes No

5. Is he regarded by acquaintances as a solidly dependable
person not given to excuse-making and sly lies? Yes No

6. Have you been dating steadily for two years or longer? Yes No

7. Has your dating been relatively free from quarrels? Yes No

8. Do you and your mate have much the same beliefs and
attitudes about religion? Yes No

9. Do both sets of parents favor this marriage? Yes No

10. Did he attend Sunday school regularly until he was at
least 18? Yes No

11. Is he in good physical health? Yes No

12. Do you two have about the same emotional responsiveness
or warmth of passion? Yes No

13. Was he free of conflict with his parents and did they
discipline him firmly but not harshly? Yes No

14. Were his parents happily married? Yes No

15. Is he free of jealousy and suspicion? Yes No

16. Does he have a calm, even temperament, especially if
you are one to fly off the handle quickly? Yes No

17. Do you both have a healthy attitude toward sex? (That
is, are you neither disgusted nor morbidly concerned
with it?) Yes No

18. Is he a temperate person not given to heavy drinking? Yes No

19. Are you two fairly close together somewhere in the
broad middle zone between being timid and reckless? Yes No

20. Do you both think you want children? Yes No

If each had sixteen _yes_ answers or more to the above
questions, then your romance would seem to be on fairly solid
ground. However, after you have taken the test, then go back
and compare the two sets of answers on all the questions. If
each had seventeen _yes_’s or more, and if there was mutual
agreement, that is, if both had the same _yes_ answers to at
least fifteen of the questions, then it would appear that
your marriage is not so mixed that it cannot be made to work.

_Chapter XIII_

Beware of Mixed Marriages

The “Mixed” marriage is any marriage in which great differences exist between the husband and wife, particularly differences of culture or religious training. You also have a “mixed” marriage if there are decided differences of personality, of intelligence, of education, of age, of race or nationality, of social culture or of economic status.

Suppose there are great differences. That’s what makes life interesting, some people say. Differences may be “interesting” but if they are really fundamental they can form a gulf between the two mates that will make happiness difficult to achieve. It is the conviction of the authors--based upon a study of hundreds of happy and miserable marriages--that the more a man and girl have in common the more likely they will enjoy being married.

One of the factors that seems to have great importance in making a marriage work is the congeniality of the two persons. This congeniality must be built upon the things they have in common. The more things they have in common and the fewer the differences, the greater the likelihood of congeniality. And the greater the ease with which the two can talk over their mutual problems fully, frankly, and understandingly. The success of a marriage depends upon the total adjustment the two personalities can make to each other. Even where couples are highly compatible far-reaching adjustments must be made. When to the normal differences you add fundamental differences of background, the sheer problems of adjustment will add a severe strain to the union.

Suppose the two people do bridge the gulf between themselves. There will be great differences between their two sets of parents that may present problems. And there will be the differences between their two sets of friends. No couple lives completely alone. Two mates not only take each other for better or worse but also they must take with them the parents and friends of the other.

Take two cases with which we are familiar. They are typical of the cases in the files of any marriage counselor. (Their real names, of course, are not used.)

John is forty-two years old, a Catholic, a Democrat and had a high school education. His young bride, Margaret, is twenty-four, has had three years of college at a fashionable finishing school. She is a Baptist and a Republican. These two people think they are in love. Perhaps they are. But on the other hand Margaret was attracted to John chiefly for his “maturity,” his handsome appearance, the very nice compliments he paid her, and the success he has made of himself. She likes the idea that he is a self-made man. (He is the junior partner in a business, and his income is about six thousand dollars a year.) John is fussy and parsimonious in his habits and thinks that going to the movies once every month or two is enough for anybody. He is not very sociable and would rather stay at home and read some thrilling mystery story than go out. He lives with his parents and has specified that Margaret come and live with them as his mother is not in too good health. Margaret is vivacious, full of life and energy, very much interested in parties, dancing and sports. She is warmhearted, and since she was accustomed in her own home to having servants, she is careless where she puts things. After she finishes dressing her room looks as though a Kansas cyclone had struck it.

John was attracted to her despite her “odd” ways because she had given him considerable appreciation for the progress he has made without much formal education. She is the most attractive girl who has ever shown an interest in him, and he subconsciously feels that her social position in the community will be an asset to him in the success of his business. Despite their present professions of love it is hard for us to believe these two will find lasting happiness in marriage. They have too many points of difference.

Jim and Mary, in contrast, are what we could call compatible. Jim is twenty-eight, a college graduate in business, and is a junior executive in an office-supply firm. He is a sociable person, likes the movies, wants to go to an occasional dance and has many friends among both sexes. Mary also likes to dance, has many friends, enjoys parties and sports. She was graduated in liberal arts in college but in addition took a secretarial course. He is a Methodist, she a Presbyterian. He is an independent in politics though reared in a Republican home. Although Mary has voted the Republican ticket she tends to be something of a liberal, politically. They became acquainted in their senior year at college and now both are working at the same firm. If they go through with their marriage we predict they will find a great deal of happiness in it. They have so many things in common.

In the last few chapters we have already pointed out how crucial it is for a couple to have compatible personality traits. Studies have shown that unhappy couples frequently disagree on their friends, matters of recreation, the way they demonstrate affection, the way children should be reared and other things that are a vital part of marriage. The research of the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has shown that the couples who disagree most are the couples whose personalities are least alike. Take the great difference of ideals in the case of the son of the traveling salesman who is rushing the daughter of a clergyman. She is almost spiritual in her ideals and at home learned to restrain all manifestations of affection. The young man is handsome and dashing, a fast talker and a social butterfly. He likes to tell dirty stories and to get drunk. It is unlikely that their romance will progress far enough to contemplate marriage, but if they should get married, the radical differences in traits will produce a great unhappiness.

What are the other factors besides personality traits that can produce mixed marriages? Here are the main mixtures to watch out for.

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ARE THERE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES OF RELIGION? If the couple are of different religious beliefs their philosophies of life may be so deeply different that they may be liable to constant friction.

One German study showed that the fewest divorces were in marriages between Jews and that the largest number of divorces occurred when a Catholic married a non-Catholic. In Maryland, twelve thousand young people were asked the religious affiliations of their parents and also asked if their parents were living together, divorced or separated. Here were the percentage of broken marriages found in different groupings:

When both parents Jewish 4.6%
When both parents Catholic 6.4%
When both parents Protestant 6.8%
When religions mixed 15.2%

In other words, a mixed marriage is two or three times more likely to end in unhappiness than when the marriage is not mixed religiously!

And in inter-marrying some combinations seem to be more explosive than others. Below are three possible combinations in descending order, with the bottom combination least likely of all to produce a happy marriage.

Protestant to Jew
Protestant to Catholic
Jew to Catholic

Catholics have the greatest difficulties in inter-marriages presumably because their church takes a sterner view of inter-marriage than do the other churches. Another factor may be that they are taught not to use birth control devices (though family spacing through “rhythm” is condoned).

Suppose that a Catholic and Protestant do marry. There are thousands of couples who have achieved happiness in spite of religious differences. You can achieve it, perhaps, but both of you should face the problems involved in such an inter-marriage before, not after, the wedding. If possible one should agree to embrace the religion of the other. You should also definitely agree on the church in which the children are to be reared. You should even discuss the size of the family desired because that may become a point of difference. If both refuse to budge from their religion they must face the likelihood of disharmony developing after marriage, particularly as children come along and decisions must be made about their religious training. Religious inter-marriages are particularly difficult when one or both are deeply religious and feel very strongly about holding to their particular faith.

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ARE THERE SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCES OF INTELLIGENCE? A wife can be somewhat less intelligent than her husband and they can still be happy, but almost any other variations in intelligence are apt to produce problems, especially if the differences are pronounced.

Studies have shown that husbands and wives usually are much more alike in intelligence than in physical characteristics. People in general tend to select mates whose mental ability is about the same as their own. When two people of vastly different mental equipment marry, the less-endowed mate is apt to develop very strong feelings of inferiority, and the two may find it very hard to select interests and activities to share. The more intelligent one unconsciously may develop a superior attitude that may be patronizing or impatient.

Another thing they are bound to disagree on is how to spend their leisure time, the kind of friends that they will have, the social ethics they will have, and in fact their whole philosophies of life. The brighter mate reads serious magazines, listens to symphonies and forums, reads little or no light fiction. The less intelligent mate is interested in the spectacular radio programs, reads the more frothy magazines, has few deep intellectual interests. It is the glamorous, exciting things that appeal. Also they do not share ambitions. Two such people cannot talk over with each other their hopes and ambitions, their frustrations. There is no sharing. One feels aloof from the other.

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ARE THERE FOUR OR MORE YEARS DIFFERENCE IN FORMAL EDUCATION? There can be wide differences in schooling but only as long as the two people’s interests and attitudes are about the same. And in these days of wide reading, radio information, night schools and correspondence courses, two people may differ greatly in formal education but differ little in their informal education.

However, it does appear to be a fact that the happiest marriages seem to be those in which the two people met each other on a school campus, took similar curricula, lived in the same academic background.

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ARE THERE WIDE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR ECONOMIC BACKGROUND? This is closely related to the social differences. Mothers have encouraged wide differences in economic background by teaching their daughters to marry “up” the economic scale. They are urged to make “good catches.” It is only human for a mother to wish that her daughter will not have to scrimp as she has had to in her marriage. It also enhances a family’s social prestige if a daughter can marry “up.” However when there are wide differences in the incomes of the two sets of parents, those differences are accompanied by differences in social background which are often hard to reconcile. Added to this is the factor of acceptance that invariably arises when either a girl or man marries way above his own economic level. The parents and friends of the wealthy mate often assume that the other married for money. That may produce serious tension and create a lasting in-law problem.

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IS THERE A WIDE DIFFERENCE IN AGE? One study has shown that the least happy marriages are those in which the husband is six to eight years older than the wife. Perhaps it is not the difference in age itself so much as the fact that people that far apart in age will be unlike in other respects which creates the strain on marriage.

The happiest marriages _for wives_ seem to range from one extreme where the wife is four years older than the husband to the other extreme where the wife is four years younger than the husband. The happiest marriages _for husbands_ seem to be those in which the husband is from one year older than the wife to where the husband is four years older than the wife. When all the evidence is analyzed it would seem that the happiest marriages _for everybody concerned_ are those marriages in which the husband and wife are within one to two years of each other.

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ARE THERE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR SOCIAL CULTURE? Here is a girl who has been reared in the South. She was taught to be a lady, to be waited upon, not to work because she would have servants. Here is a man brought up in Nebraska, reared in a home where his own mother was hardworking, not only did the housework but occasionally helped milk the cows and helped do other chores for her farmer husband. With the Southern girl there has been a tremendous emphasis upon “family,” on social prestige, on doing certain things in certain precise ways. In the case of the Nebraska man, little of this formality has been present. Instead the emphasis has been upon hard work, upon thriftiness, upon a wife sharing heavily the responsibilities of earning a living. Two such widely differing philosophies are likely to produce grief in marriage. The war, with its tremendous shifts of population, produced a great many of these interregional marriages. They are certainly not doomed but the couples should face frankly the problems involved in a mixing of cultures.

* * * * *

Those, briefly, are the main types of mixed marriages. You should enter into them carefully, if at all. In any case where there are serious differences of background, the couple should compare themselves carefully, see just what the differences are, be realistic about those differences, ferret out the special problems that those differences will create (as in the rearing of children), agree on ways to attack the problems and solve them. Only then is there hope that the marriage can be a success. The difficulty is that couples tend to gloss over differences that exist. They refuse to identify them, to admit their existence. They put off facing them. Then later in marriage the problems can no longer be avoided and by then they have become so acute that reconciliation becomes very difficult.

For example, if a Catholic wants to marry a Protestant, it is far better for the couple to see the problems that will exist from such a mixed marriage before they are married than after they are married.

_Chapter XIV_

Nine Dangerous Characters

There are some prospective mates who will survive all the tests we have given you thus far and in fact look like ideal partners, and yet will bring you grief every time in marriage.

In studying marriage failures it has been found that again and again certain types of mates make a marriage seem intolerable. We’ll introduce you to nine of the worst troublemakers. They are hard to detect, but usually you can spot them if you have had several months really to know them before you commit yourself to marriage.

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THE JEALOUS MATE. Perhaps a man becomes excessively jealous because his young wife is attractive to other men or because she has been accustomed to traveling with a more sophisticated crowd than he has. On the other side perhaps the wife--with little cause--becomes insanely jealous of her husband’s secretary.

We know from investigation that jealousy causes at least one out of every five quarrels that occur between American husbands and wives. And furthermore, in divorce cases jealousy turns up as a factor in almost half of all divorces. That is not hard to understand because a jealous person inevitably becomes a difficult person to live with. He or she is usually suspicious, quick-tempered and disagreeable. It is hard to love a person who is jealous of you. You lose your respect for him, and you can’t be natural with him.

When you do try to be natural he will set you on your guard by some snippish and unprovoked remark and will question you awkwardly at length to check on your movements. Frequently he will fly into temper outbursts or sink into black moods.

Psychologically jealousy is a feeling of frustration, which in turn produces anger and dejection. The person is frustrated because he fears he is losing the love of the mate or fears that the mate is being unfaithful.

Jealousy may be real or imaginary. Evidence uncovered at the Penn State clinic would indicate that frequently it is the latter. In real jealousy the mate knows, or suspects correctly, that the other person is flirting or acting in a questionable manner. In imaginary jealousy the jealous person is that way simply because he lacks confidence in himself. He would probably be jealous of anyone he married, because he has strong feelings of inferiority and is usually unstable emotionally.

Any prospective mate who is habitually in such a mental stew without real cause would make an extremely poor husband or wife.

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THE MATE WHO WANTS TO IMPROVE YOU. There is sound psychology behind the thought in the marriage ceremony that you take your spouse “for better or for worse.” At the wedding each mate should be accepted for what he is with no reservations for the future.

Marriage is a partnership in the true sense and if one partner takes it upon himself to teach or improve the other, that relationship is sorely disturbed. One starts feeling superior and the other either inferior or indignant or both.

It is terribly easy for some new husbands and wives--after the glamour has worn off--to see flaws in their mates that should be corrected immediately. Their intentions may be kindly but soon they are continually criticizing and imploring the mate to change his or her ways.

A constant urge to improve a mate is closely akin to nagging. In fact nagging means oral pressure, and when applied to a spouse it invariably produces discord. The nagger in marriage is one of the major troublemakers.

If the attempts to improve a mate are made in public--as they frequently are--the affronts then clearly become intolerable. Nothing produces greater resentment. Even if the aggrieved partner can absorb such criticism without slashing back he will seethe inwardly and seek revenge for such an assault on his dignity.

Let’s look at the “improver.” It has been found that such a person is rarely the happily adjusted, emotionally mature person. Rather he could stand some self-improvement himself. Usually he is trying to improve the other either because of his own underlying feeling of inferiority, or because it gives him a mean, petty advantage over the other.

If after reading the above you still feel that your own mate or prospective mate has faults that could well be improved, why don’t you try one of these tacks?

First, remember that if you maintain high standards yourself your mate will gradually rise to them. Set a good example. Couples grow more alike every day they are married.

If you are anxious to have immediate results, use indirect rather than direct suggestions. A wife, for example, might say to her husband that she appreciates the fact that he has been more considerate of her during the past few days. This may be hokum. But even though he has not been any more considerate, the compliment will encourage him to be more considerate in the future.

Or suppose that a man thinks his fiancée shows appalling taste in her clothes. A frontal criticism would wound and probably infuriate her. But if he starts out by complimenting her on the few presentable things she wears, he can use them as springboards for getting across to her the kind of clothes she should wear to make herself most appealing to him. Few women can resist such suggestions.

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THE “NERVOUS” MATE. Many wives neglect their husbands, and many husbands quarrel with their wives, because they are emotionally insecure. They are at loose ends with themselves. In scientific language, they are maladjusted or neurotic.

Marriage in itself rarely cures an emotionally unstable person. In fact it may aggravate his trouble by adding new frustrations. A person who is unstable before marriage is apt to find that the increased responsibilities and decreased liberty under marriage impose new burdens. His frustrations become aggravated.

Every marriage counselor knows from experience that unhappily married couples usually present difficulties that can be traced to the emotional maladjustment of one or both of the mates. Perhaps the husband flies into a rage if supper is late or if his pipe rack has been moved. But any psychologist knows such tantrums are merely symptoms, symptoms of the man’s basic maladjustment to life. They will appear when he meets any sort of frustration.

If the wife is careful to have supper on time and keep the pipe rack in the same place the eruptions will appear somewhere else. They will appear, that is, unless the husband can get hold of himself and grow up emotionally. This may require help from an experienced psychologist who can get at the roots of the man’s difficulties.

Here are some other thoughts for easing a situation where one or both of the couple are high-strung.

When either mate is upset the other should make it easy for him to talk his troubles out. Talking things over dispassionately is a wonderful way to ease tensions. Psychologists now realize its importance and refer to it as mutual psychotherapy.

Sometimes the tensions are produced by physical and mental fatigue. Perhaps one or both mates are working too hard and relaxing too little. If so they should try to modify their routines to get in more rest, sleep and relaxation.

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THE FINANCIAL CRITIC. Money is not the root of all evil, but it certainly is at the root of a lot of marriage unhappiness. All studies that have been made concerning the reasons why married couples quarrel agree that financial arrangements cause more friction than any other one phase of marriage. For example, couples quarrel five times as much over money as they do over the rearing of children, which is a well-known troublemaker. One half of all divorced couples say that financial problems were a part of their difficulties.