Chapter VI: Appendix: B: Marriage Counseling Agencies 211 (6)

Unless the couple is really poor, the lack of money doesn’t cause the troubles as much as bad management of it. The average couple should be comforted to know that too much money causes trouble almost as much as too little money.

A girl considering marriage with a man who has an irregular or uncertain income should face frankly the fact that the situation may become the source of bitter quarreling if the two aren’t careful. Regularity of income and job security seem to be more important than the size of the income. Couples who save money are happier than those who don’t, other things being equal.

Both girls and men selecting a future mate should be wary of people who are disorganized in their personal lives or are prone to carping. Those two types of people are most apt to inspire or provoke quarrels over money.

The main grievance of wives financially is that their husbands are too tight and the main complaints of husbands are that their wives are too extravagant or too chaotic in their budget-keeping. Husbands, interestingly, complain much more about the extravagance of their wives than wives complain about extravagance of husbands.

* * * * *

THE ALIBI ARTIST. Beware of the excuse-maker. Alibi-making is not mentally healthy. In fact it is one of the early signs of emotional confusion and mental deterioration. If a man or girl sees in the other during courtship indications that excuse-making is an ingrained habit, he would do well to break off the courtship and seek a mate elsewhere.

That may sound like a harsh way to deal with the purveyor of “little white lies” and excuses but it has been clearly established that such a person is a very bad marriage risk. The individual usually excuses his own lack of accomplishment or ability by projecting the blame for his failures on other people. Bit by bit this projection becomes devastating.

Continued excuse-making gradually brings the individual closer and closer to the gulf that divides the real from the imaginary, the sane from the insane. In its most pronounced form it is paranoia, a type of insanity.

The alibi artist has little respect for the truth, cannot be predicted, evades his obligations and is generally not dependable. The test designed to measure this tendency to alibi, which psychologists call “tendency to rationalize,” has already been discussed. The victim rationalizes or excuses his own conduct. The amazing thing is that this one test is an extremely accurate device to predict, by itself, marriage happiness or failure. Investigations have established that persons obtaining low scores in that one test have consistently proved to be unsatisfactory mates in marriage.

No husband ever gets conditioned to excuses for the lateness of meals, the unmade beds, the buttons that have not been sewn on. He doesn’t resent the inconveniences as much as he resents the wife’s constant excuses for failure to show some improvement.

* * * * *

THE ESCAPIST. The escapist is a close relative of the alibier, but somewhat more honest. He finds himself unable to cope with his everyday problem of living in a modern world so he turns and flees from them. This flight may be physical. That is, he may become a hermit or may go into the armed forces where he can shed all responsibilities for directing his own life. But more often nowadays the flight is into a dream world, via narcotics or alcohol.

Heavy drinking is steadily becoming more serious. Many distillers are even urging moderation in their advertisements. It is not merely on a moral basis that marriage counselors will warn you to shun the heavy drinker. As a husband or wife he’s a hard person to live with. And marriage rarely cures dipsomania or any other mania. So don’t think you can cure a fiancé or fiancée who habitually tipples.

The causes of drunkenness are not too well known but one thing is sure: the habitual use of alcohol is just a symptom of the person’s basic maladjustment to life, and not the cause of the maladjustment. In alcohol he forgets his problems, or imagines that he has found brilliant solutions for them.

The person who drinks excessively is always a psychological problem and an amateur cannot hope to be too successful in tackling it. Even a sanatorium cure brings only temporary relief unless the basic conflicts that impelled him to drink are resolved. Usually very careful counseling of the alcoholic is necessary to uncover his troubles and help him work out a solution for them.

* * * * *

THE DISORDERLY MATE. To be successful in marriage or almost anything else in life, a person must keep his affairs in a fair degree of order. You should be wary if you find that a person you are considering for marriage is sloppy in his or her appearance or affairs.

If a girl’s apartment looks like an unmade bed, you can consider that a fairly accurate forecast of how she would manage your home. Or if a man is habitually late for dates or shows up without a tie or with unshined shoes, you can be sure he would be even more sloppy and inconsiderate as a husband.

Neatness, of course, can be overdone. One wife we know objects to her husband sitting in certain chairs until he has changed his clothes. Another will not permit her husband to enter the living room--which she prizes--until he takes off his shoes, unless there are guests.

Some people are fastidious about the way they dress and yet are disorderly in organizing their lives. Others are the other way around. But when disorderliness becomes general an intolerable strain is imposed on a marriage.

* * * * *

THE MATE WITH CLINGING RELATIVES. Statistically, in-laws cause about as much marriage woe as drinking. Many a promising marriage has been marred by them.

In the past six months, more than ten per cent of the troubled married couples consulting the Penn State Marriage Counseling Service had problems aggravated or initiated by their in-laws. We read recently a letter from a young wife who bewailed the fact that her husband’s mother insisted on going along with them on their honeymoon. She had told her son she needed a vacation and would like to go with them. Without consulting the bride he agreed. The bride lamented:

“I spent far more time alone with my mother-in-law than I did with my bridegroom!”

Living with in-laws at any time creates a hazard for most couples and should be avoided if possible, but it is particularly irritating during the first few months of marriage. Those months are crucial because of the adjustments the two people are making. It is then that they get fully acquainted, adapt their habits, work out compromises.

Any person contemplating marriage shows lack of foresight if he fails to consider the attachments his prospective mate may have to close relatives, or if he fails to weigh the chances that these relatives will ever live with the couple, and the outcome if they do.

One little-known aspect of this is that some in-laws in a couple’s home cause more trouble than others. The husband’s mother, for example, is apt to produce more difficulties than the wife’s mother because it is the wife who must spend the most time with the woman.

The husband’s mother often becomes a rival of the wife for the husband’s attentions and--as the husband’s own mother--may become head of the household.

Likewise a wife’s father in the household presents more difficulties than the husband’s father.

It is not necessarily fatal to live with in-laws. In fact the hazards are relatively small if the man and wife are both grown up emotionally and very happily married.

If you do find yourself eventually living with an in-law in the home, remember most of all to keep all financial arrangements clear-cut, and abide by them even more scrupulously than you would if they involved total strangers. Further, don’t borrow money from them.

* * * * *

THE FLIRT. Whether male or female, the person with the roving, aggressive eye is a poor prospect for marriage. The flirt is a poor prospect because he is basically a shallow, conceited, inconsiderate person, incapable of genuine love.

He will prove a difficult, unsatisfying person to live with as a marriage partner, because the wedding ceremony will not change his fundamental characteristics. You will have trouble establishing a give-and-take relationship with him. Then, when the glamour of the wedding wears off and the normal difficulties of marriage adjustment confront him, he will find this humdrum and start recalling his premarital conquests. Soon he may be flirting again and you may find yourself with a triangle on your hands. Triangles are responsible directly or indirectly for at least a fourth of all divorces.

ARE YOU TOO JEALOUS?

Every person is a little jealous of his or her mate. But
there is a point where the jealousy becomes excessive--and
dangerous. Whether real or imaginary, the jealousy puts you
in such a dark mood that anything you do may harm rather than
improve the relationship.

1. Do you feel this potential mate of yours neglects you? Yes No

2. Do you want and need considerable attention and praise? Yes No

3. Does he turn and look at other girls (or does she seem
to relish the attention of other men)? Yes No

4. Do you ever try to “get even?” Yes No

5. Is your temper easily aroused? Yes No

6. Does it upset you to have somebody disagree with you
in public? Yes No

7. Do you keep close tabs on him (or her) when both of
you are at a party? Yes No

8. Do you feel envious of certain other persons of your
own sex that you know? Yes No

9. Do you ever quarrel with this person after returning
from a party? Yes No

10. Has he, or she, learned _not_ to praise other people of
your own sex in front of you? Yes No

11. Do you like to listen to gossip? Yes No

12. Do you sometime feel alone when in a crowd? Yes No

13. Do you want this person to wait on you a good deal? Yes No

14. Do you think most people of the opposite sex will bear
watching? Yes No

15. When this mate is late do you want an explanation? Yes No

16. Do you ever have it out with a person who says untrue
things about you? Yes No

17. Would you be considered a “possessive” person? Yes No

18. Have you ever suspected that some friend’s mate was
misbehaving and have contrived to let the friend know
about it? Yes No

If you answered fourteen or more of these with _yes_ you are
a victim of extreme and unhealthy jealousy. If however you
answered less than four with _yes_ you apparently don’t even
love the person.

_Chapter XV_

People Who Should Not Marry at All

Every time the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has offered its course on the preparation for marriage, the class has been asked to list the qualifications they think a person has to have before he should undertake marriage.

It was interesting to note that the girls in the class consistently voted for higher qualifications than the men. We have averaged the responses of the many hundreds of students and present below those qualifications mentioned by at least fifty per cent of the students:

PERCENTAGE
QUALIFICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE VOTING FOR THEM
Freedom from venereal disease 100%
Freedom from feeble-mindedness 99%
(If sterilized, 24% would permit marriage)
Freedom from insanity 97%
Freedom from criminality 94%
Freedom from dipsomania 91%
Freedom from drug addiction 85%
Freedom from neuroticism 76%
Proof by groom that he can support bride 69%
(This includes evidence of occupational
proficiency and at least $150 in savings)
Record of no more than one divorce, if any 50%

Other qualifications suggested but receiving less than forty-five per cent of the votes were freedom from tuberculosis, cancer, epilepsy and fatal heart disease, freedom from sterility and from inherited physical defects. About ninety-seven per cent of the students thought that both men and women should have premarital physical exams that would determine freedom from venereal disease.

We feel that there is a great deal of merit to the qualifications raised by the students. With those as a starting point we have prepared nine questions which you should ask yourself--and be able to answer _yes_. They are _minimum_ qualifications for marriage. We feel you should have serious doubts about the advisability of marrying another person if you answer _no_ to even one of the questions. Here they are:

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE SANE AND FROM A FAMILY IN WHICH NO INSANITY IS PRESENT? Except in pronounced forms, psychoses are not easily diagnosed. The borderline between sanity and insanity is no more distinct than is the line between black and white. All shades of gray exist. Many paranoidal persons roam the streets of our country and in many cases are able to carry the responsibilities of normal life, at least until they encounter continued frustration which will bring the insanity into an easily recognizable form. Insanity is not easily detected unless there is uncontrolled behavior or pronounced incompetence in obeying normal standards of behavior. In a recent book issued through the National Committee for Mental Hygiene there is a statement that one out of twenty-five persons reaching adulthood should be confined. Another four out of twenty-five are severely neurotic and another eight are handicapped by milder neurotic disturbances. On the basis of these findings at least one person in four is severely maladjusted and at least one in two is maladjusted to some extent.

If you are concerned about the mental balance of any possible mate, you might ask yourself these questions:

Has he been confined at some time in a mental institution?

Has he been rejected or released from military service
because of outright mental disturbances?

Does his family have a history of insanity?

Is he free from syphilis?

Has he ever suffered from severe injury damaging the brain?

Do you know if he has shown extreme aberrations on any
psychological tests to measure abnormalities of mental
function?

Has he failed to discharge the responsibilities of life in a
legal, competent, conventional manner?

Has he any record of uncontrollable rages resulting in
injuries to others?

Does his family physician question his sanity?

While it is possible that he might be sane though you answered _yes_ to some of these questions, the odds are against it. You should keep in mind however that many boys discharged from this past war as neuropsychiatric cases are not insane and most of them will be able to settle down within a few months after their discharge and earn a livelihood and live a normal life.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE LAW-ABIDING, DOES HE HAVE A RECORD FREE OF CRIMINAL OFFENSES AND ARE HIS PARENTS LIKEWISE LAW-ABIDING? Many employers, including the federal and state governments, hesitate to employ a person with a criminal record. The habitual criminal is not easily cured. Certainly three or more convictions for criminal offenses should indicate a personality pattern adverse to marriage happiness. In New York State, four convictions for criminal offenses automatically result in life imprisonment.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE IN FAIRLY GOOD PHYSICAL HEALTH GENERALLY AND FREE FROM VENEREAL DISEASE? Most of the states have passed laws providing statutory protection against syphilis. These states contain about three-fourths of the total population of the country. It is interesting that about one person in a hundred taking premarriage blood tests is found infected with syphilis. In these days of the miracle sulfa drugs and penicillin, cures of venereal disease can be effected in a matter of weeks. Syphilis is a blighting disease which, if uncured, will wreck any marriage sooner or later. Anyone who is in chronic bad health due to other ailments adds a severe burden to any marriage.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE FREE FROM USING DRUGS SUCH AS MORPHINE OR HEROIN OR MARIJUANA? Addiction to the traditional drugs is not a serious problem in this country but a great many young people have been taking to marijuana for quick “jags” under the impression that such jags are not dangerous. Musicians particularly often use this drug. But it is a dope just as surely as opium is, its effect can be just as vicious, and it is used only by persons who are unstable emotionally and thus poor marriage risks to start with.

* * * * *

IF YOUR MATE DRINKS, IS HE TEMPERATE IN THE USE OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES? The dipsomaniac is an alcohol addict just as the opium smoker is a dope addict. He is characterized by an uncontrollable craving for alcohol. In some people alcohol produces a temporary feeling of well-being and elation, sometimes called euphoria. Because it does, people sometimes turn to drinking as an escape from their unsolved problems. Bit by bit the habit of drinking is built up. The person who marries a mate who is an excessive or habitual drinker in the expectation of reforming him is due for a bitter awakening. Marriage rarely cures drinking or any other abnormal condition. Expert treatment is needed. In skilled hands the drunkard is sometimes cured--if he really convinces himself that he wants to be cured. But the cure is long and arduous and the proportion of relapses is still great.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO EARN A LIVING AND DISCHARGE THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF LIFE COMPETENTLY? There is no doubt that feeble-mindedness is inherited. Individual intelligence tests usually indicate that any person is feeble-minded who scores an IQ of seventy or less. (One hundred is average.) Even when sterilization of a feeble-minded person is performed it still does not seem reasonable to permit that person to marry since he can rarely contribute to the success of a marriage and often cannot earn a living.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE FAIRLY STABLE, WELL-ADJUSTED AND ABLE TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE? There are many shades of nervous disorders ranging from neurosis through psychoneurosis. The neurotic has a minor nervous disorder. The psychoneurotic has some ailment--without organic basis--which may involve hysteria, a paralysis or cramps. Many so-called miracle cures take place with persons who actually have no physical disabilities but have the disability in their mind.

In July 1945 such a “miracle” cure occurred at a military canteen. A 20-year-old soldier was walking painfully around on crutches. One of the junior hostesses asked him half-seriously if he would like to dance. He stated that he would but that he couldn’t even walk. She replied that she was a big strong girl who could hold him up. The soldier laughed, pushed his crutches under the table, stood up shakily, clung to a chair, then to the hostess. Getting started was difficult and he stumbled a time or two. Slowly they began to dance. Amazingly the soldier began having less and less trouble with his legs. They danced all through the evening and when the soldier left to take her home he was walking perfectly and left his crutches as a memento of his cure. As a result of a shrapnel wound he had become convinced he would never walk again. Under the stimulation of music, and the eagerness of a young girl to dance, the soldier forgot his crutches. So it goes with psychoneurotics. They are convinced that their neck is paralyzed, that they cannot hear or cannot see. Many such cases show immediate improvement once the war is over and the frustrations and fears of war lift from them. But others retain their bodily symptoms of psychological disturbance throughout their lives.

In this postwar world, marriageable girls will have to be concerned about the mental disturbances of some ex-service males. They should be sensible about these defects and realize they are merely a product of war-imposed frustrations. But they should be sure that they recognize the defects and are prepared to live with them. About twenty per cent of all war casualties returned to this country have been mental cases, and the fighting was so grueling in some theaters of war, such as the Solomons, that the percentages of psychological casualties have been known to rise at times to as high as forty per cent of all casualties.

A neurotic or psychoneurotic needs skillful treatment from a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. A girl should hesitate to marry such a person at least until a medical authority has pronounced that he is competent to make the adjustments that a marriage entails and to fill the role of a mate successfully.

* * * * *

IS YOUR MATE A PERSON WHO HAS NOT BEEN DIVORCED FROM TWO PREVIOUS MARRIAGES? Even a person with one divorce to his credit is a hazard when he remarries. A person with two divorces should definitely be shunned, if you hope to achieve a lasting and happy marriage.

Divorce is not inherited, but it does run in families. It is known that persons whose own parents are divorced are much more likely to seek divorce than those whose parents were not divorced. Divorce is marriage bankruptcy, and any person who has failed twice in marriage is unlikely to succeed in a third. A person with a record of two divorces should have his right to marry anyone seriously questioned. A bank would certainly hesitate to lend a man money who had failed to pay a previous loan, and certainly would refuse a loan to a person who had gone bankrupt twice before.

The couple that marries in haste frequently divorces in haste. Thus one reason for many of our wartime divorces. Likewise the couple that takes plenty of time before marriage rarely has to seek a divorce, especially if that marriage results in children.

* * * * *

WILL YOU AND YOUR MATE BE ABLE TO SUPPORT YOURSELVES? This presumably will mean that before undertaking marriage one of the mates--preferably the man--should demonstrate through a work record that he is capable of earning a living. Under normal circumstances, about one wife in six or seven works to supplement the earnings of her husband. It is probable that not less than one wife in fifty is the sole support of the family. The best way to demonstrate ability to earn a living is for one of the mates (again preferably the man) to demonstrate occupational proficiency by at least one year of gainful employment.

It is also important that no couple should marry without a cash reserve after the costs of the wedding. Sickness, possible pregnancy, the furnishing of an apartment and other factors make some emergency fund advisable. The Penn State students thought this saving should amount at least to ten per cent of the estimated expenses for the first year.

In making sure you are both physically fit for a happy marriage we recommend that you submit to a premarital physical examination. In fact some couples like to have two premarital exams, one just before they become formally engaged, and the second just before they marry. It seems to us that if physical factors are found which might seem undesirable to either member of the couple, or to their families, it would be best that such conditions be discovered before the formal engagement, to avoid embarrassment. The second exam would be token just before the marriage because the laws of many states require that the physical exam be taken within thirty days of the marriage date.

Whether you plan one or two exams, there should be one thorough one, far more comprehensive than that required by law. The typical physician, in order to keep the exam reasonable in price, usually examines only far enough to find if the couple meet the legal requirements, which are primarily concerned with freedom from venereal disease. Here are some things that a comprehensive exam should cover:

1. Physical defects that may be crippling or later impair the ability of the individual to earn a living or make a home.

2. The hereditary history of each family should be checked for the possibility of insanity or feeble-mindedness or other inherited defects that might be transmitted to offspring even though not too apparent in the person being examined.

3. Because most couples will want children, the reproductive apparatus should be examined to see if reproduction is possible and that the individual is free from defects that would make conception impossible or childbirth hazardous. (This would mean pelvic measurements for the female.) The possibility of sterility or impotence should be checked and any physical factor that might impair or prevent normal sexual relations should be treated.

4. There should be an investigation of the integrity and normal functioning of the heart, respiratory apparatus and the central nervous system.

5. Freedom from venereal disease, both gonorrhea and syphilis, should be ascertained.

The physical exam gives the physician an unusually good opportunity to allay any fears regarding sexual adjustment that either person may have. At the examination just prior to the wedding, the physician can give the girl instructions in the role of the female in physical intimacy. There should be an explanation of orgasm, and if desired, there can be instructions about birth spacing.

Even though some factors may be adverse that does not mean you should refrain from marrying. It simply means that both of you go into marriage with your eyes open. Furthermore, most physical defects can be corrected, often even sterility. Much of the impotence among young men is caused by psychological rather than physical factors.

IS THE MATE A NEUROTIC?

And while you are at it you might ask yourself whether you
are too. Answer _yes_ or _no_.

1. Is he or she easily fatigued?

2. Does he or she have many headaches?

3. Does the mate often feel blue?

4. Does he feel unhappy much of the time?

5. Does he frequently seem to feel lonely?

6. Does he often complain that he feels nervous and shaky inside?

7. Does he often seem to feel miserable?

8. Does he seem to find it hard to trust people?

9. Does it bother him to talk to strangers?

10. Are his feelings easily hurt?

11. Does he often have the feeling that the whole world is against
him?

12. Is it apparently difficult for him to keep his mind on what he
is doing?

13. Is he troubled frequently with indigestion or heartburn?

14. Does he say that he sometimes gets so discouraged he feels
like giving up?

15. Does he often feel weak or as though he were going to faint?

16. Does he often have pains in his hip or back?

17. Does he think that people talk about him behind his back?

18. Does he think he has had a great deal of hard luck in his
life?

19. Does he say that people frequently play mean tricks on him?

20. Does he worry about many things?

21. Does he have trouble getting along with people?

22. Does he complain of being frequently troubled with long periods
of insomnia or restless sleep?

23. Does he often appear listless, indifferent or uninterested in
life around him?

24. Is he suspicious of some of his acquaintances or friends?

25. Are his habits of eating or sleeping irregular and peculiar?

An affirmative answer to any one of these questions does not
mean the person is a neurotic by any means. But a pattern
of neuroticism is apparently present in the person if he
answered ten or more with _yes_. He appears to be maladjusted
to life. Ideally every question should be answered _no_. If
you feel you don’t know the person well enough to answer some
of the questions, score only those you are sure of. Then, if
two out of five of your answers are _yes_, it would appear
that the person may be maladjusted. And incidentally, how did
you make out yourself?

_Chapter XVI_

Will a Job Undermine the Marriage?

The Only thought couples usually give to their respective careers at the time they decide to marry is whether there will be enough income to support them. Actually, the _type_ of work the groom does may produce irritations that may ruin the union. Or if the bride wants to continue her career after marriage, that may cause trouble if not handled carefully.

Let’s take the problem of the bride first. Should she continue her career or devote all her energy to managing a home? There is, of course, no final answer. We know of many married couples who have worked out excellent relationships while the wife continues her career. But we also know that such an arrangement is not normal and that it often produces difficulties because of psychological factors. It is apt to be a blow to the husband’s sense of mastery of his own home if the bride decides that he can’t support her properly on his salary. It deprives the wife of the opportunity to win the husband’s affection and appreciation for her homemaking skill. Believe it or not, one very important appeal of marriage to a man is to have his favorite dishes home-cooked and waiting for him when he comes home from work. If the wife has a career, the couple usually ends up eating out or eating warmed-up delicatessen specials. Finally a career makes it difficult for a wife to bear and rear children, and children are another of the big values of marriage that hold couples together.

Homemaking is a definite career, and if there are children, a full-time career. There is far more to making a home than the housekeeping end of it. A homemaker is a physician when the husband or child is sick; she is an interior decorator; she must be a good cook and dietitian; she must be an expert on clothing repair; she must be a good teacher and an expert on the psychology of handling children; she must often be a judge in settling arguments; she must be an expert purchasing agent because she will spend at least eighty per cent of the family’s income; she must be some sort of bookkeeper if she keeps the budget and pays the bills; she must be a repair man who can replace a fuse, repair an electric light cord, put oil on a squeaking hinge.

If the average husband gave as mediocre a performance on his job as many wives do as homemakers he would be fired. Unquestionably one of the reasons why divorce is on the increase is that careers and other diversions prevent wives from giving as much attention and care to the art of homemaking as they once did. Why do married women work? Here are the main reasons:

--Pure necessity.

--To enable themselves to have more luxurious and extra
comforts than the husband’s income alone could afford.

--Because marriage is not too satisfying to them and they are
bored.

--Because they do not want children.

--Because they want to be independent financially.

--Because they would rather hire somebody to do the housework
than to do it themselves.

--Because they want an independent career.

Virtually all studies made show that the happiest married women are those who do not work after marriage. In the study by Dr. G. V. Hamilton, _A Research in Marriage_, only forty-five per cent of the women working after marriage had a “satisfactory” to “very satisfactory” marriage compared to some fifty-five per cent of the women not working after marriage who were happy in marriage.

Once a wife starts working, she may resolve to stop at the end of a specific period, but by the time the deadline arrives she usually finds a reason why she should continue a little longer. Frequently she and her husband have bought things like an automobile that prevent them from attaining enough stability financially to permit her to stop working. She continues to work, thereby putting off having children and perhaps never has them.

But now let’s take up the greater--and less understood--dangers involved in the types of work the groom does. Many wives today think they are dissatisfied with their husbands when actually they are dissatisfied with his working habits or his job.

For example, some jobs carry more social prestige than others. Here are some twenty-four occupations rated by college students (1940) on their prestige, with those with the highest prestige at the top and those with the least prestige at the bottom:

1. Physician 13. Farmer (owner)
2. Clergyman 14. Insurance agent
3. Lawyer 15. Salesman
4. College professor 16. Bookkeeper
5. Manufacturer 17. Machinist
6. Banker 18. Carpenter
7. Artist or author 19. Barber
8. Man of leisure 20. Factory operative
9. Engineer (college trained) 21. Blacksmith
10. Factory superintendent 22. Soldier
11. School teacher 23. Truck driver
12. Storekeeper 24. Ditch digger

Richard O. Lang, as a graduate student at the University of Chicago, made a study of marriage happiness based upon ratings made by acquaintances of more than seventeen thousand married couples. On the basis of his findings here is how fifty different occupations rated on the descending scale of marital happiness. The happiest are at the top and the least happy are at the bottom. Here is the approximate order:

1. Chemical engineers 26. Factory foremen
2. Ministers 27. Garage owners
3. College professors 28. Mail clerks
4. Teachers 29. Insurance salesmen
5. Engineers 30. Brokers
6. Wholesale salesmen 31. Electricians
7. Chemists 32. Druggists
8. Accountants 33. Clerks
9. Civil engineers 34. Salesmen, auto, etc.
10. Office workers 35. Railroad office workers
11. Physicians 36. Railroad workers
12. Bankers 37. Farmers
13. Newspaper workers 38. Bond salesmen
14. Government workers 39. Skilled workers
15. Coöperative officials 40. Barbers
16. Architects 41. Gas station employees
17. Large business owners 42. Truck drivers
18. Lawyers 43. Musicians
19. Store salesmen 44. Real estate salesmen
20. Contractors 45. Plumbers
21. Printers 46. Auto mechanics
22. Bookkeepers 47. Carpenters
23. Dentists 48. General mechanics
24. Bank employees 49. Traveling salesmen
25. Small store owners 50. Laborers

One interesting statistic is that while eighty per cent of the clergy had happy or very happy marriages (as assessed by their friends) only forty per cent of salesmen had marriages at least as happy or very happy, again as assessed by friends. Only eleven per cent of the clergy seemed to be really unhappy in marriage while thirty-six of the salesmen were.

Obviously education is not the determining factor in an occupation’s happiness quota because physicians, lawyers and dentists, who require more schooling than almost any other group, are definitely less happy in marriage than engineers, teachers and ministers. Musicians rate very low, coming between truck drivers and real estate salesmen, apparently because of the mobility and impermanence of their jobs.

There are seven types of work that seem to be the major vocational troublemakers. They don’t need to produce trouble. In fact if both the man and wife are aware of the potential dangers involved and act accordingly trouble rarely occurs. But if they don’t possess such awareness, they may find it increasingly difficult to find happiness through marriage. Both will be resentful without knowing why. We don’t advise girls to avoid marrying men in these types of work. That would be ridiculous. But we do suggest that they take the job into consideration. Then, if they go ahead and marry the man, they will do it with their eyes wide open and with a plan to remove the danger by normalizing their married life as much as possible despite the job.

With that thought in mind let’s take up the seven big troublemakers.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO TRAVELS A LOT. This includes not only the traveling salesman, whose reputation for waywardness has a great deal of basis in fact, but also traveling entertainers, truck drivers, professional soldiers, casual laborers, railroad workers, air pilots. There are also multitudes of others whose work requires stopovers or prolonged stays away from home. It is the mobility of the job rather than the fact that unreliable characters work in them that produces the trouble. Lonesome and dissatisfied, the mobile person seeks substitutes which create strife at home when they are learned of, and feelings of guilt with the man even when they aren’t. Such a mobile person is more likely to come in contact with other women who may seem very attractive to him since he is denied the companionship and daily affection of his family. There seems to be absolutely no doubt that those occupations which are somewhat fixed, that is, which require little or no traveling, provide happier marriages, other things being equal.

Wives can counteract the danger by frequently arranging to accompany the husbands on trips they may make. Even though the wife may have children, there are many trips on which she can accompany her husband. In most cases the husband, far from resenting her presence, welcomes it because he does get lonely and bored traveling in strange towns.

Even though the wife is busy she should take time out to accompany her husband over his entire territory so that she sees some of the problems he faces and meets some of the people he has to work with. In doing this she serves two purposes: she is better able to talk to her husband intelligently about his work if she knows the operation and the people involved. This will encourage him to unburden his occupational problems to her rather than think she is just a dumb housewife and take them elsewhere or brood over them. The second purpose is that by letting his associates on the route see her she makes them more aware of the fact that he is a happily married man and they will thus be less likely to put temptations in his way.

In taking normalizing actions such as these, a girl can more safely choose a mate whose work keeps him mobile and with less fear that the marriage will be hazardous.

* * * * *

THE MAN NOBODY KNOWS. If the groom earns his income outside the community where you will live and is seen very little there, he will feel less desire for social approval of his conduct. To put it in sociological terms, he will not be under close “community scrutiny.” Thus he is more susceptible to the temptation of heavy drinking, gambling, or other women than the man whose job does come under community scrutiny. Examples of the latter are teachers, ministers, storekeepers, and town officials. These men all come into a great deal of daily contact with the members of the community and thus are more concerned about “keeping up appearances.” Other things being equal, the greater the degree of social control exerted, the greater the happiness of the marriage.

If a girl does marry a man who doesn’t come under this scrutiny, she can to some extent bring him under it by being seen with her husband at many public places, encouraging him to join with her in participating in many community activities, by introducing her husband to many different people and letting them know the kind of work he does.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO WORKS AT ABNORMAL HOURS. During the war we came to hear a lot about the swing shifters. But in war or peace there are millions of men who keep unusual hours--policemen, newspapermen working on morning newspapers, bartenders, night watchmen, etc. They can make it difficult for a wife, particularly if she is a mother, to adapt her daily routine of living to the shifting hours of work. This is destructive to happiness because husband and wife have too little opportunity to be with each other. Furthermore not many men can change their hours of sleep from week to week without becoming irritable. If he has children he is denied the normal opportunities to play with them. All the evidence we have indicates that occupations which require working late are not as likely to be associated with marital happiness as those occupations which permit working during the daylight hours.

In one case a couple married seven years were on the verge of divorce within four months after the husband took a night job. He had become lonely because he missed all his normal associations and finally had fallen in love with a waitress at an all-night lunchroom where he ate. Happily the wife kept her senses and instead of agreeing to the divorce merely asked for a postponement of the decision for a few months. Meanwhile she got busy and made a greater effort to make home a more appealing place to him. She rearranged the schedule of the children so they could be with their father an hour every day, she began paying more attention to her own grooming and arranged her own schedule so that she could sleep at the same time her husband did two days a week. Soon the husband lost interest in the other woman.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHOSE INCOME IS IRREGULAR. This includes all salesmen working on commission, free-lance writers, small business owners, seasonal workers, lawyers, physicians, brokers, plumbers, architects, etc. One fact that has been noticed repeatedly in marriage studies is that regularity of income has a considerable influence upon marriage happiness. Apparently couples having regular incomes are better able to plan their expenditures and savings, to be neither flush at one time nor impoverished at another, and are better able to work out long-term financial plans. At any rate there seems to be a good deal less bickering where the income is regular. To live happily with a man with a fluctuating income the mates need to show the wisdom of the Biblical Joseph, by saving during fat months for lean months, and by keeping an unusually rigorous eye on the accounts. If they can save up a real backlog, and can take a philosophical attitude toward the whimsies of his income, they should have no more trouble than the average couple. The savings will provide a psychological cushion as well as a real one.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHOSE WORK IS DIRTY OR NERVE-RACKING. We know a farmer who says his wife is so annoyed by his dirty clothes that she won’t touch them and won’t let him inside her house until he puts on dress shoes. Such wives should remember that dirt is an honorable mark of a farmer’s, a mechanic’s, or a coal miner’s occupation. And perhaps if approached good-naturedly, he can be persuaded to change to clean clothes before leaving the site of his work.

Other husbands have jobs whose work is noisy, tense, or exacting. This includes steeplejacks, tunnel builders, foundry workers, pilots, etc. The jobs leave the husband emotionally exhausted and highly irritable. The wife of such a man will find herself involved in repeated quarreling and sniping unless she realizes the husband’s state of mind when he comes home and sees to it that he has a warm bath and an hour of rest and relaxation before she disturbs him or approaches him with any family problems.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO FEELS INSECURE IN HIS JOB. Job security, like regularity of income, is an important factor in marriage happiness. A number of studies have shown that the most contented and satisfied men are those who feel secure in their job. The assurance of permanence enables the man to be serene. When a man feels insecure in his job he is more likely to change jobs frequently, hoping to improve his tenure. This constant changing of not only jobs but the accompanying new neighborhoods and school systems for the family produce frayed nerves and many annoying problems. Loss of work, even though it is temporary, brings worry over where the next meal is coming from, brings in the possibility of public relief, lowers the man’s self-respect and may decrease his wife’s confidence in him as a worth-while husband and provider. Undoubtedly one of the reasons for the rise of the divorce rate after the great depression was the tension engendered by threat of unemployment which placed great strains upon family living.

If a girl marries a man in such a status she should be prepared to help her husband by not being critical of his work and by not throwing it up to him that he is unable to get a permanent job. She can even encourage, and sympathetically help him get some specialized training that may prepare him for a better job which offers greater security. Perhaps he can do it at night or by correspondence courses. Far more men than do would seek to improve their vocational skills if their wives would encourage and inspire them to become more competent.

* * * * *

THE MAN WHO IS NOT PROUD OF HIS JOB. Social prestige of an occupation is an intangible factor that nevertheless has a great deal to do with marital happiness. A man is more likely to work out a happy marriage when he is engaged in work that is approved and respected by the community. If the man is a gravedigger or bill collector or dogcatcher the wife, and particularly the children, may be sensitive about the lack of prestige involved. If such a marriage is to succeed, the wife must realize that her man is performing an essential function in the community. Further, she should realize that if such a family seems to live happily together, if they are active in church and community affairs and lead respected lives, they will be accepted for what they are and not for what the man’s occupation happens to be. One of the happiest, most respected men we know is the garbage collector in a New England town.

We repeat, the seven types of men we have just discussed are not necessarily to be shunned as mates. But girls marrying them should realize the problems that may be involved.

_Chapter XVII_

The Veteran as a Mate

Most of the marriages from now until 1955 will involve veterans of World War II. It is probable that at least eight million veterans will marry by then. During these years our marriage rate is expected to be the highest in our history.

For this reason, if for no other, it is pointless to make any special problem of the veteran, as so many people are trying to do. It is true that war changes men, but it also changes the girls who stayed at home--and for that matter the men who happened to stay at home. There is no need to discuss the question, “Should a girl marry a veteran?” because most girls will marry veterans anyhow, and there is no reason why they should hesitate.

But what we will do now is point out some of the changes that occurred while the man was away so that the veteran and the girl can understand each other better.

In many ways the veteran is a better prospective mate than when he went away. He may have acquired some good habits in the Army: getting up on time, taking care of personal belongings, orderliness. His horizon may have broadened and he may have learned to be more tolerant. He probably has matured beyond his chronological age. He has learned a great deal about loyalty to a cause, perseverance and patience, all of which will help make him a better mate. Often he has achieved a needed emotional independence from home and mother. He has become practical and very realistic.

Most important of all, perhaps, he learned while away to appreciate the value of marriage and the home. He yearns more than anything to settle down in some quiet place with a nice girl and raise a family. He has had enough running around and being at loose ends.

The veteran, of course, has lost and gained certain skills, he may seem crude and he may appear to have lower ideals and standards. He worries a great deal about the future, is somewhat unsure of himself in some civilian situations. Ernie Pyle the late, famed war correspondent pointed out some of these changes when he wrote:

Our men can’t make the change from normal civilians into
warriors and remain the same people. Even if they were
away from you under normal circumstances ... they would
not come home just as you knew them.... They are bound to
be different people from those you sent away.... They are
rougher.... Killing is a rough business.... Language has
changed from mere profanity to obscenity.... They miss
women.... They expressed longings.... Their whole conduct
show their need for female companionship.... Money value
means nothing to them.... A man learns to get what he needs
by “requisitioning.” It isn’t stealing, it’s the only way to
acquire certain things.... War puts old virtues in a changed
light. We shall have to relearn a simple fundamental or two
when things get back to normal.

The standards of fighting men are those of men living without women, of men who have lost many of the moral values of our normal living. If they hadn’t lost them they wouldn’t have been good killers. Some of them have feelings of guilt and remorse from cheap women they have known. Others are shy and withdrawn because they have had long periods of isolation away from women.

As a result of the war many veterans have open or subconscious conflicts involving weakened morals, shattered values, duties to others, “debt” the government owes them, opportunities they have missed, war injuries or handicaps they incurred. They are bothered about whether to return to school ... whether to go back to the “old” sweetheart ... whether to remain in the Army. Some have feelings of inferiority as they try to make their way into a strange world or return to an almost forgotten world. In the Army or Navy they learned to let others take the responsibilities and the initiative. They made fun of the “eager beavers” and learned to regard “goldbricking” (evading hard work) as a virtue. But in civilian life, ambition and hard work are two of the great virtues.

In addition to all these issues to worry them, they face the job of deciding what to do. In one survey of soldiers, about seven per cent said they would return to school on a full-time schedule with or without government aid. Another twenty-eight per cent said they would go back to school if government aid was provided. That makes thirty-five per cent who hope to go to school. (But many of them probably won’t.) Most of these hoping to return were under twenty-five. About half of all the men hoped to return to their old job or to a new job in their same community.

The average veteran has four alternatives of action: He can go back to school; he can go back to his old or a similar job; he can go into a job for the first time; he can select a new field of work. Most of them want a vacation, a wife, and a job, though not necessarily in that order.

Some of the men will have feelings of insecurity. Some of them have never worked before. They are asking themselves: Can I get a job? Will my old job be waiting for me? (This particularly disturbs men who are being released relatively late.) Is my girl going to marry me? Was she loyal to me while I was gone?

If you are a girl considering the possibility of marrying a veteran, here are thoughts you might keep in mind.

--You must assume he is a normal person and treat him like
one. Even if he doesn’t seem to be he should make the
adjustment to civilian life within a few months.

--Don’t confess any “misdeeds” of your own--they will only
upset him and add nothing either to the present adjustment or
future happiness.

--Talk out your problem, your futures, carefully and
in detail. This will help both of you be sure of the
responsibilities you face in marriage and will cause both
of you to plan systematically and not haphazardly about the
future.

--If you agree to marry, go ahead and be married in church
with a conventional ceremony with all the trimmings. Unless
he is terribly opposed, don’t be contented with less than a
church or home wedding with the friends and families of both
present. Studies have shown that marriages that took place
within the sanctity of the church tend to be happier than
those that do not.

--In dealing with him during the first few weeks don’t
tell him what to do or where to go. Make him feel relaxed,
encourage him to wait on you, make him feel useful.

If you are a returning veteran you should accept the fact that you are going to find your girls different from when you left. And it won’t be all aging. They have been working in greater numbers than ever before and on the surface are more independent. In spite of this, remember that girls want to be treated gently and considerately. They still love soft lights and sweet music, they want to hear your compliments, they want that tender good-night kiss if they like you, and that romantic conversational interplay.