Chapter X (1)

Fill us more Ale, me thinks thy lazie gate
Is slower than the Tortoise, make more speed,
An tha'st a Female of an easie rate
Lets see her, for my flesh doth tumults breed:
_Run on, thoul't wish when that day comes thou must
Give an account, that thou hadst been more just_.

[86.] A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out of the Parliament coyne, taking it in his hand, and turning it backward and forward; when he had read the circumscription of it, said, Here are Crosses enough, I trow me, but how long they shall last I know not, for I see here _the Commonwealth of England_, and _God with Us_ are not of one side.

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) on a time being happily furnished both of horse and money, though the horse he hired, and the money he borrowed: but no matter how he was possest of them, and towards Oxford he rides to make merry with his friends and fellow students: and in his way he tooke Wickham, where he sojourned that night: Being at supper accompanied with his Hostis, among other table-talke, they fell into discourse of Chirurgerie, of which my Hostis was a simple professor. _George Peele_ observing the humour of my she Chirurgion, upheld her in all the strange cures she talked of, and praised her womanly endevour; telling her, he loved her so much the better, because it was a thing that he professed, both Physicke and Chirurgirie; and _George_ had a Dictionary of Physicall words, that it might set a better glosse upon that which he seemingly profest: and told his good Hostis, at his returne he would teach her something that should doe her no hurt; for (quoth he) at this instant I am going about a great Cure as farre as Warwick-shire to a Gentleman of great living, and one that hath beene in a Consumption this half yeare, and I hope to doe him good. O God (quoth the Hostis) there is a Gentleman not a quarter of a Mile off, that hath beene a long time sicke of the same disease: Beleeve me, Sir, (quoth the Hostis) would it please your Worship e're your departure in the morning, but to visit the Gentleman, and but spend your opinion of him, and I make no question but the Gentlewoman will bee very thankfull to you. I' faith (quoth _George_) happely at my returne I may, but at this time my haste is such that I cannot: and so good night, mine Hostis. So away went _George_ to bed; and my giddy Hostis, right of the nature of most women, thought that night as long as tenne, till shee was delivered of that burthen of newes which she had received from my new Doctor: (for so hee termed himselfe). Morning being come, at breake of the day, mine Hostis trudges to this Gentlemans house, acquainteth his wife what an excellent man she had at her house: protesting he was the best seene in Physicke, and had done the most strangest cures that ever she heard of; saying that if shee would but send for him, no question he would doe him good. The Gentlewoman glad to heare of any thing that might procure the health of her Husband, presently sent one of her men, to desire the Doctor to come and visit her Husband. Which message when _George_ heard, hee wondred; for hee had no more skill in Physicke than in Musicke, and they were as distant both from him, as heaven from hell. But, to conclude, _George_ set a bold face on it, and away he went to the sicke Gentleman; where, when hee came, after some complement to the Gentlewoman, hee was brought to the Chamber, where the ancient Gentleman lay wonderfull sicke: for all Physicke had given him over: George beginnes to feele his Pulses and his temples, saying, hee was very farre spent; yet, quoth hee, under God I will doe him some good, if Nature bee not quite extinct. Whereupon hee demanded whether they had ever a Garden? That I have, quoth the Gentlewoman. I pray you direct me thither, quoth _George_. Where, when hee came, hee cut a handfull of every Flowre, Herbe and Blossome, or whatsoever else in the Garden, and brought them in the lapid[F. 181] of his Cloake, boyled them in Ale, strained them, boyled them againe, and when he had all the juyce out of them, of which he made some pottle[F. 182] of drinke, he caused the sicke Gentleman to drinke off a maudlin[F. 183] Cup full, and willed his wife to give him of that same at morninge, noone, and night: protesting, if any thing in this world did him good, it must bee that: giving great charge to the Gentlewoman to keepe him wonderfull warme: and at my returne, quoth _George_, some tenne dayes hence, I will returne and see how hee fares: For, quoth he, by that time something will be done; and so I will take my leave. Not so, quoth the Gentlewoman, your Worshippe must needes stay and take a simple dinner with mee to day. Indeede, quoth _George_, I cannot now stay, my haste is such, I must presently to Horse. You may suppose _George_ was in haste untill he was out of the Gentleman's house: for hee knew not whether he had poysoned the Gentleman or not, which made him so eager to bee gone out of the Gentleman's house. The Gentlewoman seeing shee could by no meanes stay him, gave him two brace of Angels, which never shined long in his purse, and desired him at his returne to know her house: which _George_ promised, and with seeming nicenesse took the gold, and towards Oxford went he, fortie shillings heavier than he was, where hee bravely domineered while his Physicall money lasted. But to see the strangenesse of this: Whether it was the vertue of some herbe which hee gathered, or the conceit the Gentleman had of _George Peele_, but it so pleased God the Gentleman recovered, and in eight dayes walked abroad; and that fortunate potion which _George_ made at randome, did him more good than many pounds that he had spent in halfe a yeere before in Physicke. _George_ his money being spent, he made his returne towards London; and when he came within a mile of the Gentlemans house, hee enquired of a Countrey fellow how such a Gentleman did. The Fellow told him, God be praised, his good Landlord was well recovered by a vertuous Gentleman that came this way by chance. Art thou sure of it? quoth _George_. Yes, beleeve me, quoth the fellow, I saw him in the Fields but this morning. This was no simple newes to _George_. He presently set spurres to his Horse, and whereas hee thought to shunne the Towne, hee went directly to his Inne: at whose arrivall, the Hostis clapt her hands, the Oastler laught, the Tapster leapt, the Chamberlaine ran to the Gentlemans house, and told him the Doctor was come. How joyfull the Gentleman was, let them imagine that have any after-healths. _George Peele_ was sent for, and after a Million of thankes from the Gentleman and his friends, _George Peele_ had 20 pounds delivered him: which money, how long it was a spending, let the Tavernes in London witnesse.

[Footnote 181: Lappet.]

[Footnote 182: A measure of two quarts.]

[Footnote 183: Query, _middling_-sized.]

A Man of _Wales_ between _S^t David's_ day and _Easter_, [14.]
Was on's host score for cheese great store, a tester.
His host did chalk it up behind the doore,
And said, For cheese, good Sir, come pay your score.
I wonder then, quoth he, what meaneth these?
Dost think her Country knows not chalk from Cheese?

THE

Merry Gossip's Vindication,

To the Groats worth of good Councel Declaration.

Some Women can drink, and be drunk night and day,
For all the fault is laid most on the Men, they do say,
For if a Man do intend for to thrive,
Then he must be sure to ask leave of his Wife.

To the Tune of _Digbies Farewel_.

A Company of Gossips that love strong bub,[F. 184]
that met at an Alehouse, and there they did club,
They called for the short Pot, and likewise for the long,
come Tapster, be quick, for we soon must begon.
They cupt it about, and they made such great hast,
till their nose and their face were all of a blaze.
_A Man he may work all the days of his life,
but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intends for to thrive._

What is't for a Man to marry a Wife,
if she proves a drunkard, hee'l be weary of his Life,
As there is in _London_ and _England_ all or'e
they'l take it so sweetly till they lye on the floor.
When a knot of merry Gossips are gotten together,
they then take no care for fare or foul weather.
_There's many a Husband takes pains and do's thrive,
but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intend for to thrive._

When the Ale and the Brandy doth work in their head,
they care not a pin how their Children are fed,
Then one saies here Sister i'le drink unto thee
our Husbands are bound to maintain us truly.
I have a shilling saies one, I have two saies another,
we will let it fly now we are together.
_And thus you may see although a Man strive
he must ask his Wifes leave if he intend for to thrive._

When their Bellies are full they are bound to give o're,
they have drunken so much they can drink no more,
Then they'l hast to go home when they hardly can stand,
you laugh for to see them then go hand in hand.
A Man he is mad that hath got such a Wife,
he may work and may toyl all the days of his Life.
_There's many a Husband &c_

They tottor and wattor and fall in the Dirt,
then the Boys they will shout, and them will make sport,
Sometimes they cry a Hare and sometimes cry a ----
to see them so drunk then they cry out the more;
Its a inconvenience for a Woman (to) do so
to take so much drink that she can hardly go.
_There's many a Husband &c_--

There is some that is known that will drink all the day,
& within night come home drunk, & not a word they can say,
I'le promise you true there so heavy i' th' head,
they lye on the Stairs and they cannot go (to) Bed:
It needs now must be a great shame unto those,
for a Woman so drunk she cannot put of her Cloaths.
_There's many a Husband &c_

Some Women will set there Husband o' th' Skore,
more than they are able to pay to be sure,
When they are absent and taking of Pains,
thus they lye at the Alehouse, and consume all their gains;
Which makes many a Man to fret all his life,
because he is so tide to such a careless Wife.
_There's many a Husband &c_

But for civil good Women I have nothing to say,
they deserve a great praise though all these go astray,
They are a great shame to the rest of their Sex,
and many a good Woman to see them is vext:
For a Woman to bring herself in such a Snare,
and of Husband and Children have no better care.
_There's many a Husband &c_

It is good for a Woman (to) live in a good way,
& keep at home with her Family, that nothing goes astray,
Then her Husband will love her the better sure,
and let her want nothing that he can procure:
For a Woman that's given to wast and consume,
makes many a honest man be not for home.
_There's many a Husband &c_

What is't for a Woman to drink and to swill,
and never be satisfied till her Belly be full,
And then there, one husband they straight will abuse,
with all the base names that they ever can use:
And then, if her Husband but strike her a blow,
she ready crys Murther, all this we may know.
_There's many a Husband &c_

And now all good Women that heareth this Song,
I pray you forgive me if I have done you any wrong,
I will not condemn all for half a Skore,
I dare say in our Parish, wee have a great many more:
Besides other places; God send them to mend,
and then I do hope they take me for their friend.
_There's many a Husband &c_

And now to conclude, there is no more to be said,
I wish that this Song it often be read
Amongst the good Women that love for to club,
and spendeth their money in Brandy and Bub:
And then you shall see what brave days they will spend,
your Housekeeping will be better at every Day's end.
_There's many a Husband &c_

Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.

[Footnote 184: Drink.]

[52.] A Gentleman of Franckford in Germany, had borowed of a Jew (of the same town) a thousand Duckets,[F. 185] and missing his day of payment, he sought from time to time to absent himself from his Creditor. Not long after, the Jew espied him going into a Barbers shop, and ran presently and fetcht a couple of Sergeants to arrest the debter, now at the Barbers a trimming. Which done the Jew came and found the Gentleman halfe shaved, and demanded whether hee would instantly discharge his debt, or accept the arrest. The Gentleman being driven to a non plus, caught sudden hold of his sword and asked the Jew if hee would not attend till his beard was all shaved? The Jew answered, Yea, with all his heart. Why then, (quoth the Gentleman) Barber and Serjeants beare witnesse what the Jew hath promised. Contented (quoth the Jew.) Well, Barber, then I will not have my beard shaven this twelve moneth. The Jew began to stamp, curse, and ban, and finally procured the Sergeants to carry him before a Governor, who, well considering the matter, dismissed both the gentleman and the Jew, as both free men, without farther challenge of debt, untill the Gentlemans beard was all shaven, which till his dying day he never suffered. And the Jew lost his money.

[Footnote 185: A coin struck by dukes: a ducat was worth in
silver about 4s. 6d., in gold about 9s. 6d.]

[17.] A new Mayors Wife of a Town in the West, came to Church the first _Sunday_ after her husband was chosen; and just as she came into the Church, the people began to stand up at the Creed; which the poor heart mistook, and took it to be an honour done purposely to her; An't please God, says she, I'll requite you all before my Husband goes out of his Office.

[4.] A certain King being sick, one pray'd that he might reign as long as the Sun and Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him.

[4.] Some Scholars having a spight against their Master, because of his Harshness to them, resolved to play him some trick; so knowing him to be a very Curious neat Man, they daubed the Railes of the Stairs with some Tar. Now the Master coming down in the Dark, laid his Hands in it, which set him into a terrible feu'd; so he call'd all his Schollars, and took them into strict Examination; but, suspecting one above the rest, he was very sharp upon him, urging him to confess it, telling him he did it. The Boy utterly denied it; but the Master was the more pressing upon him. Indeed, said the Lad, with all the Asseverations imaginable, I did it not, but if you please, I'll tell you who had a hand in it: Hereupon the Master thought to have found out the Truth, and so very eagerly asked him who? Your Worship, Sir, says he: Whereupon he was dismissed, with the applause of all his Fellows, for his Ingenuity.

[26.] In a discourse at Table, wherein they chiefly treated of strange things, and one among them said, that he had a piece of the Hawthorn Tree in a Box, which always bloom'd on Christmass day for many years together, and at last was robb'd of it by some of the Parliament Forces, and could never get it again. Why, says one, how could it live and bloom as you say without some earth, or the Sun's influence? Why, says he, d'ye think if it have that vertue to bloom on Christmass-day, that it had not the vertue also to bloom without the help of the Sun or earth? and so let out some Oaths to confirm it.

But another being by, to fit him in his Story; and to make it appear to be truth (as you know it was) began to confirm what t'other had said, with some Oaths too. For, says he, I my self have seen that Haw thorn Tree bloom a hundred Christmas-day, and if I were to say a Hundred more, I should not lie; and I went once thither, when they were come to the Berries, which were red, large and hard; and so took some of them, and button'd me a Suit and Coat with it, as the fashion is now (for you know our fashion in England for Cloaths never alters) and when I and some others were at Church together upon Christmass day in the morning, little thinking of it, about Ten of the Clock precisely (he swore) that the branches sprung out so fast and so thick, that he was covered all over with them; insomuch that he lookt as if he had been in a Wood, and so heavy they were upon him, that he could not stir till one went out of the Church and fetcht an Axe, and cut away all the Boughs, that he might see his way out; and when they had done, he went home in this posture to his lodging; and swore also, that there was as much Wood cut off, as serv'd him all that Winter for fewel to his Chamber; but however, says he, I had rather be at the charge of the Wood than to be served so agen. But Gentlemen I tell you this to confirm what that worthy Gentleman told you before: whereas you were in doubt for a great while whether it was truth or no: but I hope there's no doubt now: and so swore it agen.

[78.] One demanded of a wild yong Gentleman the reason why he would sel his land? who answered because he hoped to go to heven, which he could not possibly do til he forsook earth.

Learning hath fed me, yet I know no letter, [91.]
I have liv'd among books, yet am never the better:
I have eaten up the Muses, yet I know not a verse,
What student is this, I pray you rehearse?

_Resolution_, A Worme bred in a booke.

[18.] A Preacher, whose Sermons no body cared to hear, intreated a Friend of his to come to hear him. But he begged his Excuse, saying, that he was loth to disturb him in his Solitude. Another who had not the luck to please his Auditors; He did better last Year, said one. How can that be? said another, for he did not preach at all. In that very Thing he did better, reply'd the first.

[17.] One told a Bakers Son, that his Father was a Knave: Truly, says he, _Though I say it, that should not say it_, my Father is as honest a man as ever lived by bread.

the complaint of M. Tenter-hooke the _Proiector_, and Sir _T_homas Dodger the _Patentee_.[F. 186]

"Ov'r many yeare a scraping is left at a clap,
All thou hast gotten by others mishap."
]

_If any aske, what things these_ Monsters _be,
Tis a_ Projector _and a_ Patentee:
_Such, as like Vermine o're this Land did crawle,
And grew so rich, they gaind the Devill and all._

[Footnote 186: "On a broadside, entitled as above, is a
woodcut, which represents a 'Projector' who has a pig's (?
fox's) face, a fox's ears, screws for legs, and fish hooks for
fingers, bears a measure of coal, and a barrel of wine on his
legs respectively, tobacco pipes, dice, roll tobacco, playing
cards, and a bundle of hay slung to his body, papers of pins
on his right arm, and a measure for spirits on his left arm, a
barrel (? for soap or butter) and a dredger, (? for starch) on
the skirts of his coat.

"The introduction of screws here may be illustrated by the
speech of Alderman Chambers, who was prosecuted in the Star
Chamber for saying that merchants were more screwed up
and wronged in England than in Turkey; he was fined
£2000."--_Catalogue of Prints and Drawings in the British
Museum_, No. 263.]

Loe I, that lately was a _Man_ of fashion [101.]
The _Bug-beare_ and the _Scarcrow_ of this Nation
Th' admired mighty _Mountee banke_ of _Fame_,
The Juggling _Hocus Pocus_ of good name,
The Bull-begger, who did affright and feare,
And rake, and pull, teare, pill, pole, shave, and sheare,
Now _Time_ hath pluck'd the _Vizard_ from my face,
I am the onely Image of disgrace.
My ugly shape I hid so cunningly
(Close cover'd with the cloake of honesty)
That from the _East_ to _West_ from _South_ to _North_,
I was a man esteem'd of ex'lent worth.
And (Sweet Sir _Thomas Dodger_) for your sake,
My studious time I spent, my sleepes I brake,
My braines I tost with many a strange vagary,
And (like a Spaniell) did both fetch and carry,
To you, such _Projects_, as I could invent,
Not thinking there would come a Parliament.
I was the great _Projector_, and from me,
Your Worship learn'd to be a _Patentee_,
I had the Art to cheat the Common-weale,
And you had tricks and slights to passe the Seale.
I tooke the paines, I travell'd, search'd, and sought
Which, (by your power) were into Patents wrought.
What was I but your journey man, I pray,
To bring youre worke to you, both night and day:
I found _Stuffe_, and you brought it so about
You (like a skilfull _Taylor_) cut it out,
And fashion'd it, but now (to our displeasure)
You fail'd exceedingly in taking measure.
My legs were Screws, to raise thee high or low,
According as your power did _Ebbe_ or _Flow_:
And at your will I was Screwd up too high
That tott'ring, I have broke my necke thereby.
For you, I made my _Fingers fish-hookes_ still
To catch at all _Trades_, either good or ill,
I car'd not much who lost, so we might get,
For all was _Fish_ that came into the Net.
For you, (as in my Picture plaine appeares)
I put a _Swines face_ on, an _Asses eares_,
The one to listen unto all I heard
Wherein your Worships profit was prefer'd,
The other to tast all things, good or bad.
(As Hogs will doe) where profit may be had.
_Soape_, _Starch_, _Tobacco_, _Pipes_, _Pins_, _Butter_, _Haye_,
_Wine_, _Coales_, _Cards_, _Dice_, and all came in my way,
I brought your worship, every day and houre,
And hope to be defended by your power.

Sir _Thomas Dodgers Answer_.

Alas good _Tenter hooke_, I tell thee plaine,
To seeke for helpe of me tis but in vaine:
My _Patent_ which I stood upon of late,
Is like an _Almanacke_ that's out of _Date_.
T'had force and vertue once, strange things to doe,
But now it wants both force and vertue too.
This was the turne of whirling _Fortune's_ wheele,
When we least dream'd we should her changing feele.
Then _Time_, and fortune, both with joynt consent
Brought us to ruine by a Parliament:
I doe confesse thou broughtst me sweet conceits
Which now I find were but alluring baits,
And I, (too much an Asse) did lend mine eare,
To credit all thou saydst, as well as heare.
Thou in the _Project_ of the _Soape_ didst toyle,
But 'twas so slippery, and too full of oyle,
That people wondred how we held it fast
But now it is quite slipp'd from us at last.
The _Project_ for the _Starch_ thy wit found out,
Twas stiffe a while, now limber as a Clout,
The Pagan weed (_Tobacco_) was our hope
In _Leafe_, _Pricke_, _Role_, _Ball_, _Pudding_, _Pipe_, or _Rope_.
_Brasseele_, _Varina_, _Meavis_, _Trinidado_,
Saint _Christophers_, _Virginia_, or _Barvado_;
_Bermudas_, _Providentia_, _Shallowcongo_,
And the most part of all the rest (_Mundungo_[F. 187]).
That Patent, with a whiffe is spent and broke,
And all our hopes (in fumo) turn'd to smoake.
Thou framdst the _Butter_ Patent in thy braines,
(A Rope and Butter take thee for thy paines.)
I had forgot _Tobacco Pipes_, which are
Now like to thou and I, but brittle ware.
_Dice_ run against us, we at _Cards_ are crost,
We both are turn'd up _Noddies_,[F. 188] and all's lost.
Thus from _Sice-sinke_,[F. 189] we'r sunke below _Dewce-ace_,[F. 190]
And both of us are Impes of blacke disgrace.
_Pins_ pricke us, and _Wine_ frets our very hearts.
That we have rais'd the price of _Pints_ and _Quarts_.
Thou (in mine eares) thy lyes and tales didst foyst.
And madst me up the price of _Sea-coales_ hoyst.
_Corne_, _Leather_, _Partrich_, _Pheasant_, _Rags_, _Gold twist_,
Thou brought'st all to my _Mill_, what was't we mist?
_Weights_, _Bon lace_,[F. 191] _Mowstraps_, new, new, _Corporation_,
_Rattles_, _Seadans_,[F. 192] of rare invented fashion,
_Silke_, _Tallow_, _Hobby-horses_, _Wood_, _red herring_,
_Law_, _Conscience_, _Justice_, _swearing_, and _For-swearing_.
All these thou broughtst to me, and still I thought
That every thing was good that profit brought,
But now all's found to be ill gotten pelfe,
I'le shift for one, doe thou shift for thyselfe.

Finis.

John Taylor[F. 193]

London. Printed by _E. P._ for _Francis Coles_, dwelling in the Old Baily. 1641.

[Footnote 187: Trashy tobacco--from the Spanish _Mondóngo_,
paunch, tripes, black pudding.]

[Footnote 188: Fools; but there was also a game at cards
called noddy, supposed to have been the same as cribbage.]

[Footnote 189: Corrupt French terms used for the numbers on
dice--six-five.]

[Footnote 190: Two-one.]

[Footnote 191: Bone-lace.]

[Footnote 192: Sedan chairs, which are said to have been
introduced into England in 1581, and first used in London in
1623. Sir Sanders Duncombe obtained a patent, or privilege,
for them in 1634.]

[Footnote 193: The water poet.]

[82.] A _Mayor_ that was on hunting (by chance) one asked him how hee liked the _Cry_: a pox take the _Dogs_, saith he, they make such a bawling, that I cannot heare the _Cry_.

[82.] An old Justice was fast asleepe on the Bench when a poore Malefactor was judged to bee hanged; at which word the Justice suddenly awaked, and said to the Thiefe, My friend, I pray let this bee a warning to you, looke you doe so no more, for wee doe not show every man the like favour.

[94.] One seeing another wear a Threadbare Cloak, asked him whether his Cloak was not sleepy, or no? Why do you ask? said the other. Because, saith he, I think it hath not had a Nap this seven years.

_Monsieur Domingo_ is a skilfull man, [102.]
For much experience he hath lately got,
Proving more Physick in an alehouse can,
Than may be found in any Vintner's Pot;
Beere he protests is sodden and refin'd,
But this he speakes, being single penny lin'd,

For when his purse is swolne but sixpence bigge,
Why then he sweares; now by the Lord I thinke
All Beere in Europe is not worth a figge:
A cup of Claret is the onely drinke,
And thus his praise from Beere to Wine doth goe
Even as his Purse in pence doth ebbe and flowe.

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) was invited one night by certaine of his friends to supper, at the White Horse in Friday Street: and in the evening as he was going, hee met with an old friend of his, who was so ill at the stomacke, hearing _George_ tell him of the good cheere he went to, himselfe being unprovided both of meate and money, that he swore he had rather have gone a mile about, than have met him at that instant. And beleeve me, quoth George, I am heartily sorry that I cannot take thee along with mee, myselfe being but an invited guest; besides, thou art out of Cloathes, unfitting for such a company. Mary, this I'le doe, if thou wilt follow my advice, I'le help thee to thy supper. Any way, quoth hee to _George_ doe thou but devise the meanes, and I'le execute it. _George_ presently told him what hee should doe; so they parted. _George_ (was) well entertained, with extraordinary welcome, and seated at the upper end of the Table; Supper being brought up, H.M. watched his time below; and when he saw that the meate was carried up, up hee followes, (as _George_ had directed him) who when _George_ saw, You whorson Rascall (quoth _George_) what make you heere? Sir, quoth he, I am come from the partie you wot of. You Rogue, quoth _George_, have I not forewarned you of this? I pray you, Sir, quoth hee, heare my Errand. Doe you prate, you Slave? quoth _George_, and with that, tooke a Rabbet out of the Dish, and threw it at him. Quoth hee, you use me very hardly. You Dunghill, quoth _George_, doe you out face me? and with that took the other Rabbet, and threw it at his head; after that a Loafe; then drawing his dagger, making an offer to throw it, the Gentleman staid him: meane while HM. got the Loafe and the two Rabbets, and away he went: which when _George_ saw he was gone, after a little fretting, he sate quietly. So by that honest shift, hee helped his friend to his supper, and was never suspected for it of the Company.

[17.] Two Clerks belonging to one Church, and having both of them sate up most part of the night, were both asleep when Sermon was done: a man jogg'd one of them, and bid him sing a Psalm, for Sermon was done. Sing, _All People_, saies he: The other then awak'd, and hearing him say so said, _Hang all people_, sing me the _hundred Psalm_.

[4.] One boasting of his Credit, said, He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time, on his own Bond, without either Scrip or Scrowl.

[26.] One told a Story that a Miller had a Horse for many years together, whose name was _Roan_, and being tired with working all day, poor Jade, slept soundly at night; which a thievish fellow espying, flay'd off his Skin, whilest he slept, and went away with it: But Old _Roan_ when he awak't (though 'twas a bitter cold night) yet, poor thing, he came home to the Mill door and neighed very loud, which the honest Miller, hearing, awak't his Wife, and askt her whether that was not the neighing of old _Roan_? Truly, Husband, says she, it is, let us rise and see what's the matter with him; and when they came out, they wondred to see him in such a pickle: Well Husband, says she, since 'tis as 'tis, I'd have you kill Five or Six of your Sheep (and tomorrow being Market Day, we can sell their Flesh there) and take all the Skins and clap 'em hot upon poor Roan; which he presently did, with his dear Wife's help, and clapt them hot upon the Horse's flay'd Back; which with the Cold night were presently froz'd on, and the Horse as well or rather better in health than ever he was in his life, and I am sure you'll say warmer: And this Horse, said he, they kept for many years after, and every year it brought him Thirty Tod[F. 194] of Wool: And I hope you will believe it; but if you dont believe it, I pray take notice, that I am not bound to find you stories and belief too. Then they all concluded it was true--lie so.

[Footnote 194: A tod of wool weighs 28 lbs.]

[91.] What is that which produceth teares without sorrow, takes his journey to heaven, but dies by the way, is begot by another, yet that other is not begot without it? _Resolution._ Smoake.

[103.] A Clipper[F. 195] being Sentenc'd to Death, when he came to _Tyburn_, the Parson was very busie in preparing him for another World, amongst other things he told the Criminal, that it was no small Happiness to have had so much time to Repent, that he might have died suddenly, and by many Accidents, and so have been snatch'd away in a Moment, and gone Headlong down to Hell; but that now he was almost sure he shou'd go to Heaven, and lie in _Abraham's_ Bosom; Say you so, Sir, says the poor Patient, 'tis very good News, but if you please you shall have my Place, for I had rather stay here a little longer.

[Footnote 195: Of coin, a capital offence.]

[17.] A Witch being at the stake to be burnt, she saw her Son there; and being very dry, desir'd him to give her some drink: No, Mother, says the Sweet conditioned Son, 'twill do you wrong, for the dryer you be, you'll burn all the better.

[4.] A foolish young Esquire, being newly come to his Estate (taking after the old Miser his Father, grew covetous.) He hearing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas. What, said he, do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expenses? I will have but half a one killed at a time.

A Song in Praise of the Leather Bottel.[F. 196]

Shewing how Glasses, and Pots are laid aside,
And Flaggons and Noggins they cannot abide;
And let all Wives do what they can,
'Tis for the Praise and Use of Man;
And this you may very well be sure,
The Leather Bottel will longest endure;
And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell
That first devised the Leather Bottel

To the Tune of _The Bottle Maker's Delight_, &c.

God above that made all things, [104.]
The Heavens, the Earth, and all therein,
The Ships that on the Sea do Swim,
To keep Enemies out that none comes in;
And let them do all what they can,
'Tis for the Use and Praise of Man.
_And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell
That first devised the Leather Bottel._

Then what do you say to these Cans of Wood?
In faith they are, and can, not be good;
For when a Man he doth them send
To be filled with Ale, as he doth intend;
The Bearer falleth down by the way.
And on the ground the Liquor doth lay;
And then the Bearer begins to ban,
And swears it is long of the Wooden Can.
But had it been the Leather Bottel,
Although he had fallen, yet all had been well
_Then I Wish &c._

Then what do you say to these Glasses fine?
Yes, they shall have no Praise of mine;
For when a Company they are set
For to be merry, as we are met;
Then if you chance to touch the Brim,
Down falls the Liquor and all therein,
If your Table Cloath be never so fine,
There lies your Beer, Ale, or Wine:
It may be for a small Abuse,
A young Man may his Service lose;
But had it been a Leather Bottel,
And the Stopple in, then all had been well.
_And I wish &c_

Then what do you say these black Pots three?
True, they shall have no praise of me,
For when a Man and his Wife falls at Strife,
As many have done, I know, in their Life;
They lay their Hands on the Pot both,
And loth they are to lose their Broath;
The one doth tug, the other doth hill,
Betwixt them both the Liquor doth spill;
But they shall answer another Day,
For casting their liquor so vainly away;
But had it been in the Leather Bottel,
They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake,
And yet their Liquor no harm could take;
They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake.
_Then I wish &c_

Then what do you say to the Silver Flaggons fine?
True, they shall have no Praise of mine;
For when a Lord he doth them send
To be filled with Wine as he doth intend;
The Man with the Flaggon he doth run away,
Because it is Silver most gallant and gay:
O then the Lord he begins to ban,
And swears he hath lost both Flaggon and Man;
There's never a Lord's Serving-man or Groom,
But with his Leather Bottel may come;
_Then I wish &c_

A Leather Bottel we know is good,
Far better than Glasses or Cans of Wood,
For when a Man is at work in the Field,
Your Glasses and Pots no Comfort will yield;
Then a Leather Bottle standing him by,
He may drink always when he is a dry;
It will revive the Spirits, and comfort the Brain,
Wherefore let none this Bottle refrain;
_For I wish &c_

Also the honest Sith-man[F. 197] too,
He knew not very well what to do,
But for his Bottle standing him near,
That is filled with good Household beer;
At Dinner he sits him down to eat,
With his good hard Cheese and Bread or Meat;
Then this Bottle he takes up amain,
And drinks, and sets him down again;
Saying, Good Bottle, stand my Friend,
And hold out till this day doth end;
_For I wish &c_

And likewise the Haymakers they,
When as they are turning and making their Hay;
In Summer-weather, when as it is warm,
A good Bottel full then will do them no harm;
And at Noon time they sit them down,
And drink in their Bottels of Ale Nut Brown;
Then the Lads and the Lasses begin to tattle,
What should we do but for this Bottle?
They could not work if this Bottle were done,
For the Day's so hot with heat of Sun.
_Then I wish &c_

Also the Leader, Lader, and the Pitcher,
The Reaper, Hedger and the Ditcher,
The Binder, and the Raker and all
About the Bottels ears do fall;
And if his Liquor be almost gone,
His Bottel will he part with to none,
But says, my Bottel is but small
One Drop I will not part withal:
You must go drink at some Spring or Well,
For I will keep my Leather Bottel.
_Then I wish &c_

Thus you may hear of a Leather Bottel,
When as it is filled with Liquor full well,
Though the Substance of it be but small,
Yet the Name of the thing is all.
There's never a Lord, an Earl or Knight,
But in a Bottel doth take Delight:
For when he is hunting of the Deer,
He often doth wish for a Bottel of Beer:
Likewise the Man that works at the Wood,
A Bottel of Beer doth oft do him good
_Then I wish &c_

Then when this Bottel doth grow old,
And will good Liquor no longer hold,
Out of the Side you may take a Clout,
Will mend your Shooes when they'r worn out;
Else take it and hang it upon a Pin,
It will serve to put many odd Trifles in,
As Hinges, Awls, and Candle-ends,
For young Beginners must have such things;
_Then I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell,
That first devised the Leather Bottel_.

_London_: Printed by and for _W. O._ and sold by the Booksellers of _Pye Corner_, and _London Bridge_.

[Footnote 196: For tune, see Appendix.]

[Footnote 197: Mower.]

[105.] When _Scogin_ had broght to Oxford such things as he had in London, hee lacked furres for his gownes, and Miniver furres for his hood. Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in Oxford, which was a Skinner, and said unto him, It is so that I must proceed Master of Arts, at the next Act, and I have bestowed my money at London, and now I have need of furres (as you know) wherefore if I shall have of you as much as shall serve me, I will content you with thankes. Then said the Alderman, make your gownes and your hood, and send them to me, and they shall be furred as other Masters be. Then said _Scogin_, you shall have them within these two days, and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for every thing. It shall be done, said the Alderman. When as the gownes and hood were furred, he went to fetch them home, and said to the Alderman, I pray you let me see my charge: the bill was brought forth, and the sum did rise to sixe pound and odde money. The Alderman said, When shall I have my money? Scogin answered, within these seven weeks, or else the next time that you and I doe meet after the said terme set.[F. 198] The terme of time passed over, and the Alderman sent for his money. Scogin said to the messenger, have me commended to Master Alderman, and tell him when he and I doe meet, I will content him according to my promise; so, on a time, _Scogin_ went to Korfax,[F. 199] and he espied the Alderman, and then he returned backe. The Alderman made good footing after him to overtake him and said unto him, Sir, you said that you would pay me my money within seven weekes, or else any time after that we did meet together. It is true, said _Scogin_, my day is expired, but my promise is not broken; No, said the Alderman, so that you pay me my money now. Now, said _Scogin_, nay not so, wee meet not together yet, for now you did but overtake me, and when we doe meet, you shall have your money; but if I can, said _Scogin_, I will not meet you this seven Yeares, if I can go backward. Wherefore a plaine bargain is best, and in bargaines making, fast bind, fast find.

[Footnote 198: Commences.]

[Footnote 199: Carfax, a place in Oxford, where four streets
meet; supposed to be a corruption of _quatre voies_.]

[103.] A Gentleman having left a Bag of Money in a Hackney Coach, besides an Advertisement in the _Gazet_, he put up a paper at the _Exchange_, that he would give a sixth part (_viz_ £20) to the Coachman, if he would bring him his Money; the Fellow, hearing of the offer, went to the _Exchange_ and writ on the Paper, _Then shall I be the Loser_, which was all the Gentleman had for his Coin.

[26.] One swore most plentifully, That he saw a Lobster kill a Hare upon _Salisbury Plain_; then they all began to think indeed that was a lie, till he very discreetly told them how it was; for the Lobsters that are taken at _Weymouth_, _Southampton_, and upon the Sea-Coasts thereabouts, are presently convey'd in Panniers into the Midland Country, and by the way on _Salisbury Plain_ did drop a very good Lobster, and a Hare a little after, came close to the Lobster: which the Lobster feeling, with his Claw presently catcht him fast by the foot, and so kill'd him; and swore also that they put it into a Pie, and both bak't together (but I don't mean with the skin and the shell on) then you'd think't a lie indeed; and so sent up to _London_, and eaten there.

Alas, _Delfridus_ keepes his bed, God knowes, [102.]
Which is a sign his worship's very ill:
His griefe beyond the grounds of Phisike goes;
No Doctor that comes neere it with his skill,
Yet doth he eat, drink, talke, and sleepe profound,
Seeming to all men's judgements healthful found.

Then gesse the cause he thus to bed is drawne
What? think you so? may such a hap procure it?
Well; faith, 'tis true, his Hose is out at pawne,
A breechlesse chance is come, he must indure it:
His Hose to Brokers Jayle committed are,
His Singular, and only Velvet paire.

[17.] A man on his death bed bequeathed all that he had to his three Sons; to the first he gave all his Land, for he said he had been very dutiful, but he said he hoped his Father would live to enjoy it all himself: To the second, he gave all his money and goods, for he had been dutiful also, and he wisht his father might live and enjoy it all himself: And to the third, he said, Thou hast been a Villain, a Rogue, and a Vagabond; I first give to thee the benefit of the Stocks, to keep both thy legs warm; and next _Bridwell_, where thou shalt dine upon freecost with M^r _Lashington_ every day; and then I bestow the Gallows upon thee at last: Truly Father, says he, I thank you, and _I hope you'll live to enjoy them_ all, yourself.

[94.] One asked the reason why Lawyers Clerks writ such wide lines: Another answered, It was done to keep the peace; for if the Plaintiff should be in one line, and the Defendant in the next, the lines being too near together, they might perhaps fall together by the Ears.

[4.] M^r _Noy_[F. 200] the Attorney General, making a Venison Feast in a Tavern where _Ben Johnson_ and some of his Companions were Drinking, and he having a mind to some of the Venison, wrote these Verses, and sent them to M^r _Noy_

When all the World was drown'd,
No Venison could be found;
For then there was no Park:
Lo here we sit,
Without e're a bit,
_Noy_ has it all in his Ark.

For the ingenuity of which, M^r _Noy_ sent him a good corner of a Pasty, and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down.

At another time, _Ben Johnson_ intending to go through the Half Moone Tavern in _Aldersgate Street_, was denied entrance, the Door being shut: upon which he made these Verses.

Since the _Half-Moon_ is so unkind,
to make me go about,
The _Sun_ my Money now shall take,
the _Moon_ shall go without.

And so he went to the _Sun Tavern_ at _Long Lane_ end, forsaking the _Half-Moon_ for this affront.

[Footnote 200: "Noy, when Whitelocke came to him about the
Bill, advised with him about the King's Patent concerning
an association between England and Scotland for fishing. Noy
loved a little drollery, and gave Whitelocke eleven groats out
of his little purse. Here, said Noy, take these single pence;
and I give you more than an attorney's fee, because you will
be a better man than an Attorney-General; and this you
will find to be true. This was in 1629."--_Lives of Eminent
Sergeants at Law, by H. W. Woolrych, Lond. 1869._]

[91.] When I lived, I fed the living, now I am dead, I bear the living, and with swift speed walke over the living. _Resolution._ A Ship made of an Oake, growing, fed Hogs with Acorns, now beares men, swims over fishes.

The English Irish Souldier

_With his new Discipline, new Armes, old Stomacke, and new taken pillage, who had rather Eate than Fight._

If any Souldate [106.]
think I do appeare,
In this strange Armes
and posture, as a Jeere,
Let him advance up to me
he shall see,
Ile stop his mouth
and we wil both agree.

Our Skirmish ended
our Enemies fled or slaine
Pillage wee cry then,
for the Souldiers game,
And this compleat Artillery
I have got,
The best of Souldiers,
I think, hateth not.

My Martiall Armes
dealt I amongst my foes
With this I charged stand
'gainst hungers blowes;
This is Munition
if a Souldier lacke,
He fights like _Iohn a dreams_[F. 201]
or Lent's thin _Jacke_.[F. 202]

All safe and cleare,
my true Arms rest awhile,
And welcome pillage
you have foes to soile.
This Pot, my Helmet,
must not be forsaken,
For loe I seiz'd it
full of Hens and Bacon.

Rebels for Rebels drest it
but our hot rost
Made them to flye
and now they kisse the post.
And better that to kisse
than stay for Pullets
And have their bellies
cram'd with leaden bullets.

This fowle my Feather is,
who wins most fame,
To weare a pretty Duck
he need not shame;
This Spit my well chargd
Musket with a Goose,
Now cryes come eate me,
let your stomacks loose.

This Dripping Pan's my
target, and this Hartichoke
My Basket-hilted blade
can make 'em smoake,
And make them slash and cut
who most Home puts,
Ile most my fury
sheath into his guts.

This Forke my Rest is,
and my Bandaleers
Canary Bottles,
that can quell base feares,
And make us quaffe downe
danger, if this not doe,
What is it then? can raise
a spiritt into fearfull men.

This Match are linkes
to light down to my belly
Wherein are darksome chinks
as I may tell yee,
Or Sassages, or Puddings,
choose you which,
An excellent Needle,
Hungers wounds to stitch.

These my Supporters,
garter'd with black pots,
Can steele the nose
& purg the brain of plots;
These tosts my shooestrings,
steept in this strong fog,
Is able of themselves
to foxe a Dog.

These Armes being vanisht,
once againe appeare
A true and faithful Souldier
_As you were_;
But if this wants,
and that we have no biting
In our best Armours
we make sorry fighting.

FINIS

Printed at _London_ for _R. Wood_ and _A. Coe_ 1642.

[Footnote 201: _i.e._ a stupid, semi-idiot, as--

"A Dull and Muddy Mettled rascal, peak,
Like _John a dreams_, impregnant of my cause,
And can say nothing."--_Hamlet_, Act ii. Scene 2.
]

[Footnote 202: "A Jack a Lent" was a straw-stuffed image which
was shot at, beaten, thrown at, and otherwise ill-treated
during Lent. It was supposed to represent Judas Iscariot.]

[93.] There was a Gentleman that dwelt in the West Countrey, and had staid here in London a Tearme longer than hee intended, by reason of a Booke that _George_ (_Peele_) had to translate out of Greeke into English: and when he wanted money, George had it of the Gentleman, but the more he supplyed him of Coine, the further off he was from his Booke, and could get no end of it, neither by faire meanes, entreatie, or double payment: for _George_ was of the Poeticall disposition, never to write so long as his money lasted; some quarter of the Booke being done, and lying in his hands at randome.

The Gentleman had plotted a meanes to take such an order with _George_ next time he came, that he would have his Booke finished. It was not long before he had his Company; his arrival was for more money; the Gentleman bids him welcome; causeth him to stay dinner, where falling into discourse about his Booke, found it was as neere ended, as he left it two moneths ago. The Gentleman, meaning to be gul'd no longer, caused two of his men to binde _George_ hand and foot in a Chayre: a folly it was for him to aske what they meant by it: the Gentleman sent for a Barber, and George had a beard of an indifferent size, and well growne: he made the Barber shave him beard and head, left him as bare of haire, as he was of money: the Barber he was well contented for his paines, who left _George_ like an old woman in mans apparell: and his voyce became it well, for it was more woman than man. _George_ quoth the Gentleman, I have always used you like a friend, my purse hath beene open to you: that you have of mine to translate, you know it is a thing I highly esteeme: therefore I have used you in this fashion, that I might have an end of my Booke, which shall be as much for your profit as my pleasure. So forthwith he commanded his men to unbinde him, and putting his hand into his pocket, gave him two brace of Angels; quoth hee, Master _Peele_, drinke this, and by that time you have finished my booke, your beard will be growne, untill which time, I know you will be ashamed to walke abroad. _George_ patiently tooke the gold, said little, and when it was darke night, took his leave of the Gentleman, and went directly home: who, when his wife saw, I omit the wonder shee made, but imagine those that shall behold their husbands in such a case. To bed went _George_, and ere morning hee had plotted sufficiently how to cry _quid pro quo_ with his politick Gentleman.