Chapter L: S. D (1)

_Imprimis._ For three and twenty long Cloaks, at
Seven Pounds Ten Shillings, per Cloak,
to cover the Committee[F. 226] of Safety's
Knavery. 243. --. --

_Item._ For Six Dozen of large fine Holland
Handkerchiefs, with great French Buttons,
for the Lord _Fleetwood_, to wipe away the
Teares from his Excellencies Cheeks, at
Twenty Shillings per Handkerchief. 72. --. --

_Item_ Paid his young Daughters Musick-Master,
and Dancing Master, for fifteen Moneths
Arrears, due at the Interruption of Parliament
59. 5. --

_Item_ For four rich Mantles for his Lady, two
lac'd and two embroidered, and a brave
New Gown, made to congratulate her
Husband's new Honor. 270. --. --

_Item_ Bestowed by her Order, upon the Journey
men Taylors, and given to him that
brought home and tryed on the said
Gown, seven pieces in gold. 7. 14. --

_Item_ For an innumerable company of Pectoral
Rolls and Lozenges, to dry up his Excellencies
Rheum, at two pence a piece 30. 2. 2

_Item_ For two Rolls of Spanish Tobacco for
Colonel _Sydenham_, at twenty shillings
per pound, according to the Protectors
rate, and five black Pots to warm Ale in,
at twelve pence a piece, together with
ten Groce of glaz'd Pipes, at nine shillings
the groce. 45. 13. 4.

_Item_ For two gilt Horn bookes for his great son,
at two shillings, sixpence a piece 5. --

_Item_ laid out for seven rich new Gowns, bespoke
at _Paris_ for the Lady _Lambert_, to be worn
seven several dayes one after another, at
her Husbands coming to the Crowne,
every Gown valued at Sixty pound, one
with the other 480. --. --

_Item_ for Pins and Gloves for the said Lady 83. 9. --

_Item_ for vamping Colonel _Clarks_ Riding boots,
and for new Spur Leathers 10. --. --

&c &c &c &c--

[Footnote 226: A committee of 23, which was inaugurated on
26th October 1659 to take upon themselves the exercise of the
Government, till another form of Government should be agreed
upon, which they declared should never be in single hands
again, as a Chief Magistrate, a King, or even the House of
Lords.]

Parody was almost unknown, but the following will serve as an example:--

Song.

I must confess, upon a day, [118.]
When all my thoughts were Westward ha,
Near _Hampton Court_ I saw a Face,
The Throne of Modesty and Grace;
In whose each motion might be seen
_Hadassa_ and the Southern Queen;
Her Smiles were arguments to prove
The _Ph[oe]nix_, and the God of Love.
From these the Pencil learnt those Draughts
Of _Titan's_ Beams, and _Cupid's_ Shafts.
Bless me, said I, since I must die,
My Heart a Sacrifice shall lie,
Burnt with the Lustre of her eye.

The Mock.

And I, being lately Eastward bound,
To take a merry Countrey Round,
There I beheld a Thing call'd Woman,
Save him that hath her, Match for no man!
In whose behaviour you may spell,
What _Job's_ Wife was, and _Jezabel_.
Her looks make good the doubtful story
Of _Acharon_ and Purgatory.
From these the Painter had advice
To limn the Toad and Cockatrice.
This made me cry, since Friends must part,
E're this vile wretch shall have my heart,
I'le suffer. Drive away the Cart.

[105.] There was an olde woman that had but one tooth in her head, & that did ake very sore, she went to Master _Scogin_ for remedy. Come with me, mother, said _Scogin_, & you shall be healed by & by. He then got a packthreed, and went to the Smiths forge with the woman, and he said to the Smith, I pray you, heate me a Coulter in your Forge. I will, said the Smith. Then he went to the old woman, and said, Mother, let me see your tooth, and she did so: he took his packthreed and bound it fast about the tooth, & tyed the other end of the thred at the ring of the forge doore, whereat the Smith used to tie his horses & mares, and when the Coulter was glowing hot, _Scogin_ tooke the Coulter and ran with it against the old woman, saying; Why dost thou stand here like an old mare? I will run thee through with this hot Coulter. The woman being afraid, gave a braid[F. 227] with her head, and ran her way, & left her tooth behind her. _Scogin_ ran after the woman, and she cryed out for helpe (for she was afraid that _Scogin_ would have burnt her.) The Smith ran after _Scogin_ for his Coulter, for he was afraid that _Scogin_ would run away with it.

[Footnote 227: A start, a toss of the head.]

[94.] One perswaded a Scholar that was much given to rambling, and going abroad, to sell or put away his Cushion, and it would be a means to make him sit harder to his study.

[26.] A Scholar in _Oxford_ was often sent to by a Citizen for Money, which he pretended was due to him, and finding his answer not according to expectation he took the boldness and went to him himself, and modestly said to him in private: Sir, There's some Money betwixt you and I. Say you so, says the Scholar, I pray where is it? we'll divide it if you please. Sir, says he, I have taken your word for it hitherto. Truly, says he, so you are like to do till you are paid.

[4.] A young lad being chid by his Uncle, for lying a Bed so long in a Morning, telling him that such a one had found a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning: I, says the Lad smartly, but he rose too early that lost it.

[110.] Maister _Hobson_ on a time in company of one of his neighbors, roade from London towards Sturbridge faire, so the first night of there jorny they lodged at _Ware_ in an Inne where great store of Company was, and in the morning when every man made him ready to ride, and some were on horsbacke setting forward, the Cittizen, his neighbour found him sitting at the Inne gate, booted and spurd, in a browne studdy, to whome hee saide, for shame, Maister _Hobson_, why sitte you heare, why doe you not make your selfe redy to horsebacke, that we may set forward with company? Maister Hobson replyed in this manner, I tarry (quoth he) for a good cause. For what cause? quoth his neighbour. Mary, quoth Maister _Hobson_, here be so many horses, that I cannot tell which is mine owne, and I know well, when every man is ridden and gone, the horse that remaneth behind, must needs be mine.

[17.] A Puritan coming to a Cheese mongers to buy Cheese, when he gave him a tast, he put his hat before his eyes, to say Grace; Nay, says he, I see instead of tasting my Cheese, you intend to make a meal of it.

The BEGGARS

CHORUS

IN THE JOVIAL CREW.

To an excellent New Tune.[F. 228]

There was a jovial Beggar, [119.]
he had a wooden Leg,
Lame from his Cradle,
and forced for to Beg;
_And a Begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go,
And a Begging we will go._

A Bag for my Oatmeal,
another for my Salt,
A little pair of Crutches,
to see how I can halt;
_And a Begging, &c_

A Bag for my Bread,
another for my Cheese,
A little Dog to follow me,
to gather what I leese.
_And a Begging &c_

A Bag for my Wheat,
another for my Rye,
A little Bottle by my side,
to drink when I'm a dry.
_And a Begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go,
And a Begging we will go._

To _Pimlico_ we'll go,
where merry we shall be,
With ev'ry Man, a Can in's hand,
and a Wench upon his knee.
_And a Begging &c_

Seven years I served
my old Master Wild,
Seven years I begged
whilst I was but a Child
_And a begging &c_

I had the pretty knack
for to wheedle and to cry,
By young and by old
much pitied e'er was I.
_And a begging &c_

Fatherless and Motherless
still was my Complaint,
And none that ever saw me
but took me for a Saint.
_And a begging &c_

I begg'd for my Master,
and got him store of Pelf,
But _Jove_ now be praised,
I now beg for myself.
_And a begging &c_

Within a hollow Tree
I live, and pay no Rent,
Providence provides for me,
and I am well content.
_And a begging &c_

Of all occupations
a Beggar lives the best,
For when he is a weary,
he'll lie him down and rest.
_And a begging &c_

I fear no Plots against me,
but live in open Cell;
Why who woud be a King
when a Beggar lives so well?
_And a begging &c._

_Printed for_ R. Brooksby _at the_ Golden Ball _in_ Pye-Corner.

[Footnote 228: For tune, see Appendix.]

[67.] A Company went to an Inne without money, when ye reckoning was to be pay'd, one called his hostesse, asking her what it was: she said two shillings. Then he askt her what one should pay for bloodshed: she answered ten groats. Then, said he, cut my finger and give me y^e rest[F. 229] againe.

[Footnote 229: _i.e._ give me the change.]

[52.] One _Dromo_, a certaine Tiler, sitting upon a ridge of a House, laying on certaine roofe tiles, looking backe, and reaching somewhat too far for a little morter, that lay by him, fell backward and by good hap, fell upon a man that was sitting under the house, whom with his fall he bruised to death, but thereby saved his owne life. Not many dayes after, a sonne of the dead mans, caused this man to be apprehended for murther, and, having him before the Judge, cried unto the Judge for justice: who asking the prisoner what hee could say for himselfe, received this answer. Truly, Sir, I never thought the man any hurt, neither did I thinke to fall: but since it was my hap to hit upon him to save my life, if it please your Lordship, I am contented that he shall have justice; for my selfe, I had no malice to his father, though I see he hath a great deale to me: but let him doe his worst, I care not, I aske no favour: let him go up to the top of the house where I sate, and I will sit where his father sate; let him fall from the place as cunningly as hee can, and fall upon mee to save his life, I will bee contented. The Judge seeing the mans innocency, and how farre he was from intent of any evill to the man whom he had slaine, willed the complainant to take this course for his contentment: which he refusing, was dismissed the Court, and the Prisoner thus by his wity answer released.

[110.] There was a certaine farmer that lost forty pounds betwixt _Cambridge_ and _London_, and being so great a summe, he made proclamation in all market Townes there abouts, that whosoever had found forty and five pounds, should have the five pounds for his labour for finding it, and therefore he put in the five pound more than was lost. It was Maister _Hobsons_ fortune to find the same sum of forty pounds, and brought the same to the baylive of _Ware_ & required the five pounds for his paines, as it was proclaymed. When the country farmer understood this, and that he must needs pay five pounds for the finding, he sayd that there was in the purse five and forty pounds, and so would hee have his owne mony and five pounds over. So long they strove, that the matter was brought before a Justice of the Peace, which was one Maister _Fleetwood_, who after was Recorder of London; but when Maister _Fleetwood_ understood by the bayleife that the proclamation was made for a purse of five and forty pound, he demanded where it was. Here, quoth the baylie, and gave it him. Is it just forty pound? said Maister _Fleetwood_. Yes truly, (quoth the bayleife) Here maister _Hobson_, sayd Ma. _Fleetwood_, take you this mony for it is your owne, and if you chance to find a purse of five and forty pound, bring it to this honest farmer. That is mine, quoth the farmer, for I lost just forty pound. You speake too late (quoth Maister _Fleetwood_). Thus the farmer lost the mony, and maister _Hobson_ had it according to justice.

[67.] Mr. French the King's Fisher, beeing a Widower, married a young woman, and shortly died, on whom one made this distich.

By fish hee liv'd, by fish hee thriv'd,
He touched y^e flesh, and so hee died.

[103.] An Alderman of _Norwich_, having a Maid servant Married from his House, went two or three Years after to see her, and ask'd (amongst other things) how many Children she had? Truly Sir, says she, none. O Lord, replys he, what should be the reason of that? I don't know, says the Woman. Alas! adds the Old Fellow, now I remember me, your Mother had none.

[105.] After a while _Scogin_ came to London, hee married a young woman, taking her for a maid, as other men doe. At last he thought to prove his wife, and fained himselfe sicke. Oh good wife, saies he, I will shew you a thing, and if you will promise me to conceale it. She said, Sir, you may tell mee what you will, I were worse than accursed, if I should disclose your counsell: O wife, said _Scogin_, I had a great pang to day in my sicknesse, for I did parbrake,[F. 230] and cast out a Crow. A Crow? said shee. Yea, said _Scogin_, God helpe me. Be of good comfort said she, you shall recover and doe well. Well wife, said _Scogin_, goe to Church and pray for me: shee went to the Church, and by & by one of her gossips met with her and asked how her husband did. I wis,[F. 231] said she, a sore sick man he is, and like to die, for there is an evill signe and token in him. What is that, Gossip? said shee. Nay, by gisse,[F. 232] I will not tell it to any man alive. What, said the woman, you may tell me, for I will never bewray your counsell. By gisse, said _Scogin's_ wife, if I wist that you wold keep my counsel, I wold tel you. Then said the woman, whatsoever you doe tell, I will lay it dead under my feet. Oh, said _Scogins_ wife, my husband parbraked two Crowes. Jesus, said the woman, I never heard of such a thing. This woman as she did meet with another gossip of hers, shewed that _Scogin_ had parbraked three Crowes. So it went on from one gossip to another, that ere Mattens were finished, all the parish knew that _Scogin_ had parbraked twenty Crowes. And when the Priest was ready to goe into the Pulpit, one came to request him and all the Parish to pray for _Scogin_, for he had parbraked twenty Crowes. The Priest blessed him and said to the Parishioners, I doe pray you pray for Scogin, for he is in perill of his life, and hath parbraked 21 Crowes. By and by one went to _Scogin_, and said, Sir, is it as it is spoken in the Church of you? What is that, said _Scogin_. The Priest said in the Pulpit that you parbraked 21 Crowes. Said _Scogin_, what a lie is this? By & by the bels were told for sacring, and _Scogin_ hied him to Church, lustily and merry, and when the men and women did see him in the Church, they looked upon one another, and marvelled of this matter. After Masse, _Scogin_ asked what were they that they should bring such a tale upon him. At last the matter was so boulted out, that the original of the cause began at Scogins wife.

[Footnote 230: Or parbreak, to vomit.]

[Footnote 231: Suppose or think.]

[Footnote 232: An oath, a corruption of _Jesus_.]

[17.] A poor Countrey Boy came up to _London_ to be an Apprentice to a Cobler, and seeing the Lord Mayors show, and hearing that Sir _Simon Eyre_ who formerly was Lord Mayor, had been apprentice to a Shoemaker; one said to him, Is not this a brave show: I, says the Boy, _'tis this we must all come to_.

[4.] A silly old fellow meeting his God son, ask'd whither he was going? To School, said the Boy: That's well, said he, there's a Penny for you; Be a good Boy, and mind your Book, and I hope I shall live to hear thee Preach my Funeral Sermon.

[94.] It was said by one, that a Hangman had a contemplative Profession, because he was never at work, but he was put in minde of his own end.

[94.] Why do Ladies so affect slender wastes, said one? 'Tis (replied another) because their Expences may not be too great.

[67.] John Hall, beeing in a sheete (of printing, or writing) called, Knave, is said to have Carried it to y^e Vice Ch.(ancellor) Dr Gouch to complaine, who beeing walking in his garden, and vexed that hee would trouble him w^{th} such a frivolous matter, tare y^e sheete & cast it abroad. John gathers up all ye pieces: y^e D^r demanded why? Hee answered, I would bee loth to leave y^e Knave in your worship's garden.

[94.] One commending a Taylor for his dexterity in his Profession; another standing by, ratified his opinion, saying, _Taylors had their business at their fingers ends_.

The Bad-Husbands Folly

or

Poverty made known.

A Man may waste and spend away his store,
But if misery comes he has no help therefore,
This man that brought himself into decay,
Shews other Good fellows that they go not astray.

To the Tune of _Come hither my own sweet Duck_.

To all Good-Fellows now, [120.]
I mean to sing a Song,
I have wrought my own decay,
and have done myself great wrong:
In following the Ale-house,
I have spent away my store,
_Bad Company did me undo,
but i'le do so no more._

That man that haunts the Ale house,
and likewise the Drunken Crew,
Is in danger to dye a Beggar,
without any more ado;
Would I might be an Example
to all Good fellows sure;
_Bad Company &c_

I had a fair Estate of Land,
was worth forty pound a year,
I sold and Mortgaged all that,
and spent it in strong Beer:
My wife and friends could not rule me,
until I did wax poor.
_Bad Company &c_

I came unto my Hostis,
and called for Liquor apace,
She saw my money was plenty,
and she smiled in my face:
If I said fill a Flaggon,
they set two upon the score,
_Bad Company &c_

I ranted night and day,
and I let my Money flye,
While my wife was almost dead with grief
to hear her Children cry:
For they were almost starv'd and pin'd
they wanted food so sore.
_Bad Company &c_

At two a Clock i' th' morn
I would come Drunken home,
And if my wife spoke but a word,
I'de kick her about the Room;
And domineer and swear,
and call her ---- and ----.
_Bad Company &c_

Then I fell sick upon the same,
and lay three months and more,
But never an Alewife in the Town,
would come within my door:
But my poor wife was my best friend,
and stuck to me therefore.
_Bad Company &c_

My wife she sold her Petticoat,
and pawn'd her Wedding Ring,
To relieve me in my misery,
in any kind of thing:
O was not I a woful man,
to waste and spend my store,
_And let my wife & children want at home
but I'le do so no more._

When I began to mend a little,
I walke to take the air,
And as I went along the Town,
I came by my Hostises door:
I askt her for to trust me two-pence,
she denyed me the more,
_The Money that I have spent with her,
but I'le do so no more._

As soon as I get strength agen
i'le fall to work apace,
To maintain my wife and children,
for my Hostises are base:
I see who is a mans best friend,
if he be sick or poor.
_Bad Company &c_

And when I do get money agen,
I'le learn for to be wise,
And not believe that Drunken Crew,
that filled my ears with lyes:
And carry it home unto my wife
and of my Children take more care.
_Bad Company &c_

He runs a very long Race
that never turns again;
And brings himself unto disgrace,
and has poverty for his pain;
But now I will be careful sure,
and forgo the Ale-house door.
_Bad Company &c_

Now to conclude and make an end
what I have put in Rhime,
That all Good-fellows they may se
to mend their lives in time:
And learn for to be Thrifty,
to save something by in store.
_Bad Company &c._

Printed for I. Deacon, at the Angel in Guilt Spur street, without Newgate.

[110.] There dwelled not farre from Maister _Hobson_, two very ancient women, the youngest of them both was above three score yeares of age, and uppon a time sitting at the taverne together, they grew at varience which of them should be the youngest (as women, indeede, desier to be accompted younger than they be) in such manner that they layd a good supper, of the valew of twenty shillings, for the truth thereof, and Maister _Hobson_ they agreed upon to be their Judge of the difference. So after Maister _Hobson_ had knowledge thereof, the one came to him, and as a present gave him a very faire pidgion pye, worth some five shillings, desiering him to passe the vardet[F. 233] of her side; within a while after, the other came, and gave Maister _Hobson_ a very faire grayhound, which kind of dogges he much delighted in: praying him likewise to be favorable on her side, wherefore hee gave judgment that the woman that gave him the grayhound was the yonger, and so she wonn the supper of twenty shillings, Which she perceiving, came to him and sayd, Sir, I gave you a pidgion pie, and you promised the verdit should goe on my side. To whome Maister _Hobson_ said, of a truth, good woman, there came a grayhound into my house, and eate up the pidgion pye, and so by that meanes I quite forgot thee.

[Footnote 233: Verdict.]

[103.] A Soldier Quartering in Cambridge, often observ'd a Young Country Wench that Sold Piggs a Market Days, whereupon he went to her, and desir'd to see some of her Pigs, she having several, he said, he would have one alive, so she shewed him one that she had in a Bag. Well, Sweet heart, said he, I live hard by, I will go and shew the Pig to my Captain; if he like it, you shall have three shillings for it, but in the mean time I will leave the Money with you; thus having got the Pig tied up in the Bag, he went to his Lodging, and put in a Dog in the Bag instead of it, and returning quickly to the Damsel, said his Captain did not like the Pig, and therefore she took the Bag without looking into it, and gave him his Money again. Not long after came a French man in haste to buy a Pig, and he not liking those that were dead, would have a live One; Sir, said she, I have one of the same bigness alive, the Price of it is three Shillings, I will not sell it a Farthing Cheaper; well, said he, if you will not, here is your Money, but how shall I carry it? Why, for a Groat you shall have the Poke and all. Poke, what is dat? said Monsieur. 'Tis a Bag. Is dat de Poke? well here's a Groat. Thus away he goes with his Bargain home, but when he comes to look in the Poke, he see the Dog, O de diable, (said he) is dis de Pig? de Dible take me, if I do buy Pig in de Poke agen.

_The Brewer._[F. 234]

Of all the trades that ever I see, [121.]
Theres none to the Brewer compared may be;
For so many several wayes works he,
_Which nobody can deny_.

A Brewer may put on a noble face,
And come to the wars with such a grace,
That he may obtain a Captains place;
_Which nobody can deny_.

A Brewer may speak so learnedly well,
And raise such stories for to tell,
That he may be come a Colonel;
_Which &c_

A Brewer may be a Parliament man,
For so his knavery first began,
And work the most cunning plots he can;
_Which &c_

A Brewer may be so bold a Hector,
That when he has drunk a cup of Nectar
He may become a Lord Protector;
_Which &c_

A Brewer may do all these things, you see,
Without controul, nay he may be
Lord Chancellor of the University:
_Which &c_

A Brewer may sit like a Fox in his cub,
And preach a Lecture out of a tub,
And give the world a wicked rub;
_Which &c_

But here remaines the strangest thing,
How he about his plots did bring,
That he should be Emperour above a King;
_Which no body can deny, deny;
Which no body dares deny._

[Footnote 234: A satire on Oliver Cromwell.]

[17.] Two Gentlemen riding from _Shipton_ to _Burford_ together, and seeing the Miller of _Burford_ riding softly before on his sacks, resolved to abuse him; so one went on one side of him, and t'other on the other, saying Miller, now tell us, which art thou, more Knave or Fool? Truly, says he, I know not which I am most but I think _I am between both_.

[105.] On a time as _Scogin_ was riding to the Abbot of Bury, hee asked of a Cowheard how far it was to Bury. The Cowheard said twenty miles. May I, said _Scogin_, ride thither to night: yea, said the Cowheard, if you ride not too fast, and also if you ride not a good pace, you will be wet ere you come halfe waye there. As _Scogin_ was riding on his way, he did see a cloud arise that was blacke, and being afraid to be wet, he spurred his horse and did ride a great pace, and riding so fast, his horse stumbled and strained his leg, and might not goe. _Scogin_ revolving in his mind the Cowheards words, did set up his horse at a poore mans house, and returned to the Cowheard, supposing that he had beene a good Astronomer, because hee said, if you ride not too fast, you may be at Bury tonight, and alsoe if you doe not ride fast you shal be wet ere you come there. _Scogin_ said to the Cowheard, what shall I give thee to tell mee, when I shall have raine or faire weather? There goeth a bargain, said the Cowheard: what wilt thou give me? _Scogin_ said, Twenty shillings. Nay, said the Cowheard, for forty Shillings I will tell you and teach you, but I will be paid first. Hold the money, said _Scogin_. The Cowheard said, Sir, doe you see yonder Cow with the cut tail? Yea, said _Scogin_. Sir, said the Cowheard, when that she doth begin to set up her rumpe, and draw to a hedge or bush, within an houre after we shall have raine: therefore take the Cow with you, and keepe her as I doe, and you shall ever be sure to know when you shall have faire weather or foule. Nay, said _Scogin_ keepe thy Cow still, and give me twenty shillings of my mony. That is of my gentlenes saith the Cowheard, howbeit you seeme to bee an honest man, there is twenty Shillings.

JOAN'S Ale is New;[F. 235] OR:

A new merry Medley, shewing the power, the strength, the operation, and the vertue that remains in good Ale, which is accounted the Mother-drink of _England_.

All you that do this merry Ditty view,
Taste of _Joan's_ Ale, for it is strong and new.

To a pleasant New Northern Tune.

There was a jovial Tinker, [122.]
Which was a good Ale Drinker,
He never was a shrinker,
believe me this is true.
And he came from the wild[F. 236] of Kent,
When all his money was gone and spent,
Which made him like a Jack a Lent.
_And Jones Ale is new,
And Jones Ale is new Boys,
And Jones Ale is new._

The Tinker he did settle,
Most like a man of Mettle,
And vow'd to pawn his Kettle,
now mark what did ensue.
His Neibors they flockt in apace,
To see Tom Tinker's comely face,
Where they drank soundly for a space,
_Whilst Jones Ale &c_

The Cobler and the Broom-man,
Came next into the room man,
And said they would drink for boon man
let each one take his due.
But when good liquor they found,
They cast their caps upon the ground
And to the Tinker they drank round;
_Whilst Jones Ale &c_

The Rag man he being weary,
With the bundle he did carry,
He swore he would be merry,
and spend a shilling or two.
And he told his Hostis to her face,
The Chimney Corner was his place
And he began (to) drink apace.
_And Jones Ale &c_

The Pedler he grew nigher,
For it was his desire,
To throw the Rags i'th' fire,
and burn the bundle blew.
So whilst they drank whole flashes,
And threw about the Glasses,
The rags were burnt to ashes,
_And Jones Ale &c_

And then came in a Hatter,
To see what was the matter,
He scorned to drink cold water,
amongst that Jovial crew.
And like a man of courage stout,
He took the quart-pot by the snout,
And never left till all was out,
_O Jones Ale &c_

The Taylor being nimble
With Bodkin, Shears, and Thimble,
He did no whit dessemble,
I think his name was _True_
He said that he was like to choak,
And called so fast for lap and smoak,
Until he had pawned his Vinegar Cloake,
_For Jones Ale &c_

Then came a pittiful Porter,
Which often did resort there,
Quoth he i'le shew some sport here,
amongst this jovial crew.
The Porter he had very bad luck,
Before that it was ten o'clock,
The fool got drunk and lost his frock,
_For Jones Ale &c._

The bony brave Shoomaker,
A brave Tobacco taker,
He scorned to be a Quaker
I think his name was _Hugh_.
He called for liquor in so fast,
Till he forgot his Awl and Last,
And up the reckonings he did cast,
_Whilst Jones Ale &c_

And then came in the Weaver,
You never saw a braver,
With a Silk-man, and a Glover,
_Tom Tinker_ for to view
And so to welcome him to Town,
They every man spent half a crown,
And so the drink went merrily down,
_For Jones Ale &c_

Then came a drunken _Dutchman_,
And he would have a touch, man,
But he soon took too much, man,
which made them after rue.
He drank so long as I suppose,
Till greasie drops fell from his nose,
And like a beast befoul'd his hose,
_Whilst Jones Ale &c_

A Welshman he came next, Sir,
With joy and sorrow mixt Sir,
Who being partly vext Sir,
he out his dagger drew.
Cuts-plutter-a-nails, quoth _Taffie_ then,
A Welshman is a Shentleman
Come Hostis fill's the other Can,
_For Jones Ale &c._

Thus like to men of courage stout,
Courageously they drank about,
Till such time all the ale was out,
as I may say to you.
And when the business was done,
They every man departed home,
And promised Jone again to come,
when she had brew'd anew.

FINIS.

Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright, J. Clarke, W. Thackeray and T. Passinger.

[Footnote 235: For tune, see Appendix.]

[Footnote 236: Weald.]

[17.] A Shoomaker thought to mock a Collier being black, saying, What news from Hell? how fares the Devil? Faith, says the Collier, he was just riding forth as I came thither, and wanted nothing _but a Shoomaker to pluck on his boots_.

[123.]

_Come to the Grinstone Charles tis now to late
To Recolect, tis presbiterian fate
You Couinant pretenders must I bee
The subiect of youer Tradgie Comedie._

Jockie

"Stoope Charles."]

The date of this curious political caricature is 14th July 1651. It must be remembered that Charles II. was crowned at Scone on 1st January 1651, and this satire deals with the behaviour of the Scots towards their young monarch. It is too long to give _in extenso_, but the following will give a fair idea of its tenor. Above the illustration are printed these lines:--

_Jockey._ "I. Jockey turne the stone of all your plots,
For none turns faster than the turne-coat Scots

_Presbytor._ We for our ends did make thee King, be sure
Not to rule us, we will not that endure.

_King._ You deep dissemblers, I know what you doe,
And for revenges sake, I will dissemble too."

On either side of the print is a long poem, of which I will only give the commencement:--

"This Embleme needs no learned Exposition,
The World knows well enough the sad condition
Of Regall Power, and Prerogative
Dead, and dethron'd in _England_, now alive
In _Scotland_, where they seem to love the Lad,
If hee'l be more obsequious than his Dad.
And Act according to Kirk Principles,
More subtile than were Delphick Oracles.
For let him lye, dissemble, kill and slay,
Hee's a good Prince that will the Kirk obey," etc. etc.

[110.] Upon a new yeares day Maister _Hobson_ sitting at dinner in a Poets Company, or one, as you may tearme him, a writer of histories, there came a poore man and presented him a cople of orringes, which hee kindly tooke as a new yeares guift, and gave the poore man for the same, an angell of goold, and there upon gave it to his wife to lay it up among his other jewels, considering that it had likewise cost him an Angel, the which she did. The Poet sitting by, and marking the bounty of Ma. _Hobson_ for so small a matter, he went home, and devised a booke contayning forty sheets of paper, which was halfe a yeare in writing, and came and gave it to Maister _Hobson_ in dedication, and thought in his mind, that he, in recompencing the poore man so much for an orringe, would yeeld far more recompence for his booke, being so long in studying. Maister _Hobson_ tooke the Poets booke thankfully, and perseving he did it onely for his bounty shewed for the orringe given him: willed his wife to fetch the said orringe, which he gave to the Poet, being then almost rotten, saying, here is a jewel which cost me a thousand times the worth in gould, therefore I think thou art well satisfied for thy bookes dedication: the poet seeing this, went his way all a shamed.

[26.] A deaf Man was selling Pears at the Towns end in _S^t Gileses_, and a Gentleman riding out o' th' Town, askt him what 'twas a Clock? He said Ten a Penny, Master: Then he askt him agen what 'twas a Clock? He told 'em indeed he could afford no more. You Rogue, says he, I'll kick you about the streets. Then says the man, _Sir, if you won't, another will_.

[4.] A woman coming to a Parson, desir'd him to preach a Funeral Sermon on her Son that was lately dead; the Parson promised her to do it; but she desiring to know the Price of his Sermon; he told her it was Twenty Shillings. Twenty Shillings! says she, An Ass spoke for an Angel, and won't you speak under Twenty Shillings? The Parson being a little netled at her, told her she was better fed than taught. Sir, says she, 'tis very true; for my Husband feeds me, and You teach me.

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) was at Bristow, and there staying somewhat longer than his coyne would last him, his Palfrey that should bee his Carrier to London, his head was growne so big, that he could not get him out of the stable; it so fortuned at that instant, certaine Players came to the Towne, and lay at that Inne where _George Peele_ was: to whom _George_ was well knowne, being in that time an excellent Poet, and had acquaintance of most of the best Players in England; from the triviall sort hee was but so so; of which these were, only knew _George_ by name, no otherwise. There was not past three of the Companie come with the Carriage, the rest were behinde, by reason of a long Journey they had; so that night they could not enact; which _George_ hearing, had presently a Stratageme in his head, to get his Horse free out of the stable, and Money in his Purse to beare his charges up to London. And thus it was: Hee goes directly to the Maior, tels him he was a Scholler and a Gentleman, and that he had a certaine Historie of the Knight of the Rodes; and withall, how Bristow was first founded, and by whom, and a briefe[F. 237] of all those that before him had succeeded in Office in that worshipfull Citie: desiring the Maior, that he, with his presence, and the rest of his Brethren, would grace his labors. The Maior agreed to it, gave him leave, and withall appointed him a place: but for himselfe, hee could not be there, being in the evening: but bade him make the best benefit he could of the Citie; and very liberally gave him an Angell, which _George_ thankfully receives, and about his businesse he goes, got his Stage made, his Historey cryed, and hyred the Players Apparell, to furnish out his Shew, promising to pay them liberally; and withall desired them they would favour him so much, as to gather him his money at the doore; (for hee thought it his best course to imploy them, lest they should spie out his knaverie; for they have perillous heads.) They willingly yeeld to doe him any kindnes that lyes in them; in briefe, carry their apparell in the Hall, place themselves at the doore, where _George_ in the meane time, with the tenne shillings he had of the Maior, delivered his Horse out of Purgatorie, and carries him to the Townes end, and there placeth him, to be ready at his comming. By this time the Audience were come, and some forty shillings gathered, which money _George_ put in his purse, and putting on one of the Players Silke Robes, after the trumpet had sounded thrice, out he comes, makes low obeysance, goes forward with his Prologue, which was thus:

A trifling Toy, a Jest of no account, pardie.
The Knight, perhaps, you think for to bee I:
Think on so still; for why, you know that thought is free,
Sit still a while, I'le send the Actors to ye.

Which being said, after some fire workes that hee had made of purpose, threw out among them, and downe stayres goes he, gets to his Horse, and so with fortie shillings to London; leaves the Players to answer it; who when the Jest was knowne, their innocence excused them, beeing as well gulled as the Maior and the Audience.

[Footnote 237: A list or catalogue.]

[82.] There was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower Wharfe at _London_, where a Countryman passing by, most earnestly looked on the said ship, and demanded how old shee was. One made answer that she was a yeare old. Good Lord blesse me, said the Countryman, is shee so big growne in one yeere, what a greatnesse will shee bee by the time she comes to my age?

[82.] Twelve Schollers riding together, one of them said, my masters, let us ride faster. Why? quoth another, methinks wee ride a good pace, I'le warrant it is foure mile an hour. Alas, said the first, what is foure mile an houre amongst us all?

[17.] A patient man coming home from work, but it seems did not bring home to his Shrewish Wife so much money as she expected; with that she flew about his ears, and did so jole him! Good wife, says he, be quiet, for I would willingly wear my bands without cuffs, if you please.

[105.] On a night _Scogin_ and his chamber-fellow, and two or three of the Bishops servants being merrily disposed, consult how they might have good cheere and pay no money, and every one invented a way as they thought best. At last _Scogin_ said, I have invented a cleanly shift. At the signe of the Crowne against Peter's Church, is a new Tapster, which ere this hath not seene any of us, and he is also purblind, so that if he see us hereafter, he cannot know us. Therefore wee will goe thither and make good cheere, and when we have a reckoning, we will contend who shall pay all; then will I say to avoid the contention, that the Tapster shall be blinded, and we wil run round about him, and whosoever he catcheth first, let him pay for all, and so we may escape away. Every man liked _Scogin's_ device best, so in conclusion they came thither, and had good cheere, for they spared no cost: so that in the end their reckoning drew to ten Shillings. Then as _Scogin_ had devised afore, they did. The Tapster was blinded, so they ran round about him, and first _Scogin_ got out, and then another, so that at last they got all away, and left the tapster groping in every place about the house for him that should pay the shot. The master of the house being in a chamber next to the place where they were, and hearing the stamping that they made, came in to see what they did, whom the Tapster caught in his armes, saying, Sir, you must pay the reckoning. Marry, said his Master, so I thinke I must indeed, for here is no body else to pay it. Then the Tapster and his Master sought and enquired for _Scogin_ and the rest, but they could neither find them, nor heare newes of them.

[94.] Hangmen practice their cunning for the most part upon good natur'd men, because they are ready to forgive, before the hurt be attempted.

[4.] A Parson who had not much Wit to spare, seeing his Son play roguish Tricks, Why, Sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so, when I was a Boy, as you are?

[4.] A Precise Fellow hearing much swearing in a Bowling Green, said, For Shame Gentlemen, forbear, it is God's great mercy the Bowling Green doth not fall on your Heads.

=Nick and Froth;=

or

The Good-fellows Complaint for want of full Measure.

Discovering the Deceits, and Abuses of Victuallers, Tapsters,
Ale Drapers; and all the rest of the Society of Drunkard
Makers, by filling their drink in false Flaggons, Pimping
Tankerds, Cans call'd Ticklers; Rabbits, Jugs, and short
Quarterns, To the Grand Abuse of the Society of Good
Fellowship.

_Good Fellows Drinks their Liquor without flinching;
Then why should knavish Tapsters use such pinching._

Tune of, We'l Drink this Old Ale no more, no more.

All you y^t are Free-men of Ale-Drapers Hall, [124.]
And Tapsters wherever you be,
Be sure you be ready to come at my call,
And your Knavery here you shall see.

A Knot of Good-fellows we are here inclin'd,
To Challenge you out if you dare,
A very sharp Tryal you're like to find,
Although it be at your own Bar.

Your Cheats and Abuses we long did abide,
But times are so wondrous hard,
That Loosers may speak, it cannot be deny'd,
Of our Measure we have been debar'd.

But now we'l show you a trick (you knaves)
And lay you open to view,
It's all for your Froth and your Nick (you slaves)
And tell you no more than is true.

If in a cold Morning we chance to come,
And bid a Good Morrow, my Host,
And call for some Ale, you will bring us black Pots
Yet scarce will afford us a Toast.

For those y^t drink Beer, 'tis true as i'me here,
Your Counterfeit Flaggons you have,
Which holds not a Quart, scarce by a third part,
And y^t makes my Hostis go brave.

But now Pimping Tankerds are all in use,
Which drains a Man's Pocket in brief,
For he that sits close, and takes off his Dose,
Will find that the Tankerd's a Thief.

Bee't Tankerd or Flaggon, which of them you brag on,
We'l trust you to Nick and to Froth,
Before we can Drink, be sure it will shrink,
Far worser than _North_ Country Cloth.

When Summer is coming, then hey, brave boys,
The tickling Cans they run round,
Pray tak't in good part, for a _Winchester_ Quart[F. 238]
Will fill six, I dare lay you a Pound.

Your Rabbits and Jugs, and Coffee House Mugs,
Are ready whene're you do call,
A P-- take his Trade, such Measure that's made,
I wish that old Nick had them all.

When we have a Fancy our Noses to Steel,
And call for some _Nance_[F. 239] of the best,
Be sure the short Pot must fall to our lot,
For now they are all in request.

Scarce one house in twenty, where measure is plenty,
But still they are all for the Pinch;
Thus, every day they drive Custom away,
And force us good-Fellows to flinch,

Sometimes a Man may leave something to pay,
Though seldom he did it before;
With _Marlborough_ Cholke you his patience provoke,
Whenever he clears off his score.

The women likewise which are not precise,
But will take a Cup of the best,
Tho they drink for pleasure, they'l have their measure
Or else you shall have little rest.

There's _Billings-gate_ Nan, all her whole gang,
Complaining for want of their due;
True Topers they are, as e're scor'd at Bar,
For they'l drink till their Noses look blew.

A Pot and a Toast will make them to boast,
Of things that are out of their reach;
So long as a Groat remains in the Coat,
They over good Liquor will preach.

In _Shoo Makers Row_ there's true hearts you know,
But give them their Measure and weight,
They'l scorn for to stir but stick like a Bur,
And Tope it from Morning till Night.

Then there's honest _Smug_ y^t with a full jug
Will set all his Brains in a float;
But you are such Sots as to fill him small Pots,
Will scarce quench y^t spark in his Throat.

With many such Blades, of several Trades,
Which freely their Money will spend;
But fill them good drink, they value not chink
Wherever they meet with a friend.

Most Trades in y^e Nation gives their approbation,
How that you are much for to blame;
Then make no excuses, but cease your abuses,
And fill up your Measure for shame.

FINIS.

[Footnote 238: A Winchester quart holds nearly half a gallon.]

[Footnote 239: Nantz brandy.]

_A Preachment on Malt._

[26.] Certain Townsmen of _Prisal_, returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-House, met in the fields a Preacher, who had lately made a bitter sermon against Drunkards, and among other opprobrious words, called them Malt worms. Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by violence compel him to preach a Sermon, and his text should be MALT. The Preacher, thinking it better to yield, than contend with them in their cause, began his Sermon as followeth.

There is no preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many Syllables, because it is but one Syllable. It must therefore be divided into Letters, and they are found to be four, _viz_ M. A. L. T. These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly do use thus. M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.

The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach you boysterious Men some good manners, at least, in procuring your attention to the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters. A. All. L. Listen T. To the Text.

An Allegory is when one thing is spoken of and another thing meant; The thing spoken of is Malt, the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt, commonly call'd Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you account it to be M. Meat. A. Ale. L. Liberty. T. Treasure.

The Literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so it is true according to the letters. M. Much. A. Ale. L. Little. T. Thrift.

The Tropological sence applyeth that which is now to somewhat following, either in this world, or in the world to come; the thing that now is, is the effect which Oyl of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you, _viz_ M. Murther; in others A. Adultery; in all L. Loose living: in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth in this world, and in the world to come is M. Misery. A. Anguish. L. Lamentation. T. Trouble.

I shall now come to a Conclusion, and withal, to perswade you boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, because I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me, it is M. to A. that is a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend; because all Drunkards are L. Lewd. T. Thieves; but yet for discharging my Conscience and Duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my Neighbours, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend A. All; and L. Leave, T. Tippling: otherwise M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for T. Terrour and Torment.

By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that then were between Hawk and Buzzard,[F. 240] nearer sleeping than waking, which the Preacher perceiving, stole away, leaving them to take their nap.

[Footnote 240: In a _doubtful_ condition.]

[82.] An Apprentice in the market, did aske the price of an hundred Oysters; his friend perswaded him not to buy them, for they were too small. Too small, reply'd the Prentice, there is not much losse in that, for I shall have the more to the hundred.

[110.] Maister _Hobson_ being still very good to poore and most bountyfull to aged people, there came to him usually twice or thrice a weeke, a silly poore ould blinde man to sing under his window, for the which he continually gave him twelve pence a time. Maister _Hobson_ having one of his servants so chorlish and withall so covitous that he would suffer the blind man to come no more, unles he shared halfe his benefit: the which the blind singing man was forst to give, rather than loose all: after twice or thrice parting shares, Maister _Hobson_ had thereof intelligence, who consulting with the blind man, served his servant in this maner; still he looked for halfe whatsoever he got, so this at last was Maister _Hobsons_ guift, who gave commaundement that the blind man should have for his singing three score Jeerkes with a good whippe, and so to be equally parted as the other guifts were, the which were presently given: the blinde mans were but easie, but Master _Hobsons_ mans were very sound ones, so that every Jerke drewe blood; after this he never sought to deminish his masters bounty.

[4.] Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, whose Sign was the _Moon_, (where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret, for which they were very noted, and had great Custom) called for a bottle of Sack; whereupon the Drawer told them they had none: At which, they, not a little admiring,[F. 241] as not knowing the Humour, asked the Drawer the reason, who told them, _The Man in the Moon drinks Claret_.[F. 242] The Fancy of which pleased them so that they said they were resolved to be sociable, and so called for each Man his Bottle to drink their Brothers Health in the Moon.

[Footnote 241: Wondering.]

[Footnote 242: There was a roystering drinking song with that
title, which is not very scarce; there is one in the Roxburghe
Ballads. (C. 20, f. 7)/298.

"Our man in the moon drinks Clarret,
With powder-beef, turnep, and carret;
If he doth so, why should not you
Drink until the sky looks blew?"
]