Chapter M (1)

Ask me no more why hair may be
The expression of Gentility:
'Tis that which being largely grown
Derives its Gentry from the Crown.

W.

Ask me no more why grass being grown,
With greedy Sickle is cut down,
Till short and sweet; So ends my Song,
Lest that long hair should grow too long.

[Footnote 36: Prynne was especially exercised in his mind
about this fashion, and wrote a book called "The Unlovelinesse
of Love Lockes, or a Summarie discourse, proving the wearing
and nourishing of a locke or love locke to be altogether
unseemly and unlawfull unto Christians" (1628), and also "A
Gagge for Long Hair'd Rattle Heads &c." (1646).]

[Footnote 37: An allusion to the curly crops and fringe over
the forehead then worn by ladies.]

[Footnote 38: Debauchedness.]

Some did ask Tom Gold [12.]
What's Latin for Cold;
Why truly, says he, my Friends,
I know it full well,
And I feel I can tell,
For I hav't at my fingers ends.

[18.] A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, where his Religion was before _Luther_. _In the Bible_, says he, _where yours never was_.

[8.] A witty Rogue coming into a lace shop, said he had occasion for some lace, choice wherof being shewed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them how much they would have for so much as would reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for, and they told him for so much; so some few words passing between them, he at last agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure on his own head, thus saying, _One ear is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in_ Bristoll, _and I fear you have not so much of this Lace by you_ at present as will perfect my bargain; therefore this piece of Lace shall suffice at present in part of payment, & provide the rest with all expedition.

MARK NOBLE'S FROLLICK;

who being

Stopp'd by the Constable near to the Tower, was examin'd where he had been; whither he was going; and his Name and Place where he dwelt: to which he answered, Where the Constable would have been glad to have been, and where he was going he dared not go for his Ears, as likewise his Name, which he called _Twenty Shillings_; with an Account of what followed and how he came off.

To the Tune of _The New Rant_.

Licensed according to order.

One night at a very late hour [23.]
a Watchmaker home did repair;
When coming along by the Tower,
was stopp'd by the Constable there.

Friend, come before Mr Constable,
to see what his Worship will say,
You'd have me do more than I'm able,
I fear I shall fall by the way.

Sir, tell me, and do not deceive me,
where have you been playing your part?
Kind Mr Constable, believe me,
where you'd have been with al your heart.

Sweet Bacchus in Bumpers were flowing,
which Liquor all mortal Men chears,
And now, after all, I am going,
where you dare not come for your Ears.

Your Words they are sawcy and evil,
this may be a Charge to your Purse;
For why? you are something uncivil,
to answer a Constable thus.

Oh, where do you dwell with a whennion?[F. 39]
cross Humours we will not allow,
Sir, out of the King's own Dominion,
pray, what can you say to me now?

Pray what is your name you cross Villain;
be sure that you answer me true;
Why, Sir, It is just _Twenty Shilling_,
I think I have satisfied you.

What Trade are you, Brewer or Baker?
or do you a Waterman ply?
No, Sir, I'm an honest Watch-maker,
my Trade I will never deny.

Have you e'er a Watch you can show, Sir?
we'll see how it sutes with our Clocks;
Yes, faith, and a Constable too, Sir.
I wish you were all in the Stocks.

You Sawcy impertinent Fellow,
because you have answered me so,
Although your mad Brains they be mellow,
this Night to a Prison you go.

Therefore without any more dodging,
the Lanthorns was lighted streightway;
They guarded him to his strong Lodging,
to lye there while Nine the next day.

Next Morning the Constable brought him.
before a Justice to appear,
And earnestly then he besought him,
a Sorrowfull Story to hear.

Of all the Transactions he told him,
to which the good Justice reply'd,
From Liberty he would withold him,
till the Naked Truth should be try'd.

The Tradesman returned this Answer,
the Truth I will never deny;
If I may speak without Offence, Sir,
I scorn to be catch'd in a Lye.

I said nothing which was unfitting,
as solemnly here I profess;
The King, he is King of Great Britain
and I live in Britain the less.[F. 40]

The next thing that causes the Trouble,
my Name he would have me to show,
The which is right honest _Mark Noble_,[F. 41]
and that's Twenty Shillings you know.

Then asking me where I was going,
and I being void of all Fears,
Right readily made him this Answer,
where he dare not go for his Ears.

I rambl'd all day, yet the Centre,
at night was to lye by my Wife,
Instead of his Ears, should he venture,
i' faith it might cost him his Life.

Now when he had given this Relation,
of all that had past in the night,
It yielded most pleasant Diversion,
the Justice he laughed outright.

It seems that a Glass of Canary,
conducted the Gallant along:
I find that he's nothing but merry,
intending no manner of wrong.

Therefore I will free him from Prison
without any Charges or Fees,
It being no more than right reason,
you watch not for such men as these.

Printed for _B. Deacon_ at _the Angel_ in _Giltspur Street_.

[Footnote 39: "Wanion," with a vengeance, with a plague.]

[Footnote 40: Little Britain, by Aldersgate Street.]

[Footnote 41: A mark was a coin worth 13s. 4d., and a noble
6s. 8d.]

[17.] A Gentleman ask'd a Shepherd, whether that River was to be passed over or not: Yes, says he, but going to try, flounc'd over head and ears. Why thou Rogue, says he, did you not tell me it might be past over? Truly, Sir, says he, I thought so, _for my Geese go over and back again every day_.

One did ask why B [12.]
Was set before C,
And did much desire to know;
Why, a man must be,
Before he can see,
And I think I have hit on't now.

_Against Swearing._

In elder times an ancient custome was [6.]
To sweare in weighty matters by the Masse.
But when the Masse went downe (as old men note)
They sware then by the Crosse of this same grote.[F. 42]
But when the Crosse was likewise held in scorne,
Then by their faith, the common oth was sworne.
Last, having sworne away all faith and troth,
Only God damn them is the common oth.
Thus custome kept decorum by gradation,
That losing Masse, Crosse, Faith, they find damnation.

[Footnote 42: Queen Elizabeth's groats were the last bearing a
cross on the reverse. James I. coined none.]

_One fighting with his wife._

_Meg_ and her husband _Tom_, not long agoe, [24.]
Were at it close, exchanging blow for blow.
Both being eager, both of a stout heart,
Endured many a bang ere they would part.
_Peter_ lookt on & would not stint the strife,
He's curst (quoth he) that parteth man and wife.

=The Welch Mans Inventory.=

Han Infentory of the Couds of _William Morgan_, ap_ Renald_, ap _Hugh_, ap _Richard_, ap _Thomas_, ap _Evan_, ap _Rice_, in the County of _Clamorgan_, Shentleman.

_Imprimis._ In the _Pantry of Poultry_ (for hur own eating)
One creat Pig four Week old, one Coose, one Cock Gelding, two
Black puddings, three Cow-foots.

_Item._ In the _Pantry of Plate_, one Grid-iron, one Fripan,
one Tripan, three Wooden Ladle, three Cann.

_Item._ In the _Napery_, two Towel, two Table Cloath, four
Napkin, one for hurself, one for hur Wife _Shone_, two for
Cusen _Shon_ ap _Powell_ and _Thomas_ ap _Hugh_, when was come
to hur House.

_Item._ In the _Wardrope_, one Irish Rugg, one Frize Sherkin,
one Sheepskin Tublet,[F. 43] Two Irish Stocking, two Shooe,
six leather Points.

_Item._ In the _Tary_,[F. 44] one Toasting Shees, three oaten
Cake, three Pint of Cow Milk, one pound of Cow Butter.

_Item_ in the _Kitchen_, one Pan with white Curd, two White
pot, two Red Herring, nine Sprat.

_Item._ In the _Cellar_, one Firkin of Wiggan, two Gallon
sower Sider, one Pint of Perry, one little Pottle of
_Carmarden_ Sack, _alias_ Metheglin.

_Item._ In the _Armory of Weapon_, to kill her Enemy, One Pack
Sword, two edge, two Welsh-hook, three long Club one Cunn, one
Mouse trap.

_Item._ In the _Carden_, One Ped Carlike, nine Onion, twelve
Leek, twelve Worm, twelve Frog.

_Item._ In the _Leas-way_. Two Tun Cow, one Mountain Calf.

_Item._ In the _Common-field_, Two Welch Nag, twelve long
leg'd Sheep, fourteen and twenty Coat.

_Item._ In the _Proom Close_, three Robin Run-hole, four Hare,
_hur own Coods if hur can catch hur_.

_Item._ In the _Parn_ one half Heblet of Oate, seven Pea, two
Pean.

_Item._ In the _Study_ (_py Cot hur was almost forgot hur_)
One Welch Pible, two Almanack, one _Erra Pater_,[F. 45] one
Seven Champions[F. 46] for St _Taffy_ sake, twelve
Pallat,[F. 47] one Pedigree.

_Item._ In the _Closet_ Two Straw hat, one louse.

_Item._ In the _Ped_. Two naked Pody, one Shirt, one Flannel
smock at hur Ped's head.

_Item._ More Cattle about the House. Two Tog, three Cat,
twelve Mouse (_pox on hur, was eat hur toot Cheese_) 1000
White Flea with black Pack.

_Item._ More Lumber about the _House_. One Wife, two Shild,
one call hur Plack _Shack_, and t'other little _Morgan_.

_Item._ In the _Yard_ under the Wall, one Wheel, two Pucket,
one Ladder, two Rope.

_This Inventory taken Note in the presence of hur own Cusen_ Rowland Merideth _ap_ Howel _and_ Lowellin Morgan _ap_ William _in_ Anno 1849,[F. 48] _upon the Ten and Thirtieth of Shune_.

The above named _William Morgan_ dyed when hur had threescore and twenty years, thirteen Months, one Week and Seven days.

_A NOTE of some LEGACY of a creat deal of Coods, bequeathed to hur Wife and hur two Shild, and all hur Cusens, and Friends and Kindred in the Manner as followeth._

_Imprimis._ Was give hur teer Wife, _Shone Morgan_, awl hur
Coods in the Ped, over the Ped, and under the Ped.

_Item._ Was give to hur eldest Son _Plack Shack_, 40 and
12 Card to play at Whipper Shinny 4 Try to sheat hur Cusen:
besides awl her Land to the fule value of 20 and 10 shillings
3 groats per Annum.

_Item._ Was give to hur second Son, Little _Morgan_ ap
_Morgan_, hur short ladder under the Wall in the Yard and two
Rope.[F. 49]

_Item._ Was give to hur Cusen _Rowland Merideth_ ap _Howell_
and _Lewellin Morgan_ whom was made her Executor, full power
to pay awl hur Tet, when hur can get Money.

Seal'd and deliver'd in the Presence of _Evan_ ap _Richard_, ap _Shinkin_, ap _Shone_, hur own Cusen the Tay and Year above written.

Licens'd and Enter'd.

London. Printed by and for W. O.[F. 50] and sold by the Booksellers.

[Footnote 43: Doublet.]

[Footnote 44: Dairy.]

[Footnote 45: An astrological almanac.]

[Footnote 46: Chap-book of the "Seven Champions of
Christendom."]

[Footnote 47: Ballads.]

[Footnote 48: Probably antedated two centuries to make it more
comical.]

[Footnote 49: Is this legacy a gentle intimation to his son
that he may hang himself?]

[Footnote 50: Is this William Onley, who published from 1650
to 1702?]

_Upon one_ Day _that ran away, and laid the Key under Door_.

Here _Night_ and _Day_ conspire a cheating flight, [25.]
For _Day_ they say, is run away by _Night_.
The Day is past, why, Landlord! where's your rent,
Cou'd you not see the Day is almost spent.
Had you but Kept the Watch well, I suppose,
'Twas no hard thing to Know how the _Day_ goes?
_Day_ sold and pawn'd and put off what he might,
Though it were ne'er so dark, _Day_ would be light:
That he away with so much Rent should get,
Though _Day_ were light, 'twas no light matter yet.
You had one Day a Tenant, and wou'd fain
Your Eyes might one day see that Day again.
No, Landlord, No; you now may truly say,
And to your cost too, you have lost a Day,
By twy-light _Day_ is neither Day nor Night;
What then? 'twixt both, he's an _Hermaphrodite_.
Day is departed in a Mist, I fear,
For _Day_ is broke, yet does not Day appear:
His pale face now does Day in Owl light shrowd,
Truth is, at present _Day's_ under a Cloud.
If you wou'd meet with _Day_ you must be wiser,
And up betimes, for Day's an early riser.
Broad Day is early up, but you begin
To rouze, and then broad Day is shutting in.
From Sun to Sun are the set times of Pay,
But you should have been up by break of Day:
Yet if you had? you had got nothing by 't.
For _Day_ was Cunning and broke over Night.
_Day_ like a Candle is gone out, and where,
None knows, except to th' other Hemisphear.
You must go look the _Day_ with Candle light,
This _Day_ was sure begotten in the Night.
The Lanthorn-looker,[F. 51] if he now began,
Might find the _Day_, but scarce the honest Man.
Well, _Day_ farewel; be't spoke to thy small praise
There's little honesty found now a Day's.
In vain you do yourself this trouble give,
You'l never make an even day while you live;
And yet, who trusted him for any Summe,
Might have their mony, if the _Day_ were come.
And when will that be; when the Devil's blind;
You will this _Day_ at the _Greek_ Calends find.
For, if the Sun doth hang _behind_ the Change,
If you can find the _Day before_ 'tis strange.
Then to the Tavern, Landlord, let's away,
Chear up your heart, hang't, 'tis a broken Day.
And for your Rent, never thus Rent your Soul,
E're long you'l see _Day_ at a little hole:
Look at the _Counter_[F. 52] when you go that way,
Early enough, and you'l see peep of _Day_.
But how now Landlord? what's the matter pray?
What, can't you sleep, you do so long for _Day_?
Have you a mind, Sir, to arrest the _Day_?
There's no such Sergeant as a _Joshua_.
Why, Landlord, is the Quarter out I pray;
That you Keep such a quarter for the Day?
Put off your passion, pray; true, 'tis a Summe:
But don't you know that a Pay-day will come?
I'le warrant you, do you but banish sorrow,
My life for yours, _Day_ comes again to morrow.

[Footnote 51: Diogenes.]

[Footnote 52: One of the city prisons.]

[26.] A Person of Quality in this Kingdom, was one night at Supper at _Pickadilly house_ which was then an Ordinary and great Gaming House, where he had bowled all day; and after Supper he call'd for some Cheese, which it seems was very thin and lean; then he ask't the Master of the House, where those Cows went, of whose Milk that Cheese was made? He told him they graz'd not far off; then he swore a great Oath that he was Confident that they never fed in any other place than his Bowling Alley, which was made good by the fatness of the Cheese they now tasted of, for it cries _Rub, rub_, in the eating of it, when 'tis so long a going down.

Another person of Quality also, in this Kingdom, amongst other Gentlemen, did often meet at a Bowling Ally, which stood next to the Church-yard; and the Parson of that Church had this Benefit, That if any did swear there, he was to have 12d for every Oath: This Person aforesaid, happened to swear a great _Goliah_ Oath, upon which the Parson demanded 12d. which he gave him; and after that swore many others, for which he paid 12d a piece; and then swearing another, he demanded 12d as before; then he pluckt out of his pocket a 20 Shilling piece and bid him give him 19s. again. _Sir_, says he, _I cannot_. _Why then_, says he, _take it for I intend to swear it out_.

THE GREAT BOOBEE.[F. 53]

To a pleasant New Tune or _Sallenger's Round_.

My Friend, if you will understand [28.]
my Fortunes what they are,
I once had Cattell, House and Land,
but now I am never the near;
My Father left a good estate,
as I may tell to thee,
I couzned was of all I had,
_like a great Boobee_.

I went to School with a good intent,
and for to learn my Book,
And all the day I went to play,
in it I never did look:
Full seven years, or very nigh,
as I may tell to thee,
I could hardly say my _Christ Cross Row,[F. 54]
like a great Boobee_.

My Father then in all the haste,
did set me to the Plow,
And for to lash the Horse about,
indeed I knew not how:
My Father took his Whip in his hand,
and soundly lashed me,
He call'd me Fool and Country Clown,
_and great Boobee_.

But I did from my Father run,
for I will plow no more,
Because he so had slashed me,
and made my sides so sore:
But I will go to _London_ Town
some Vashions for to see,
When I came there, they call'd me Clown
_and great Boobee_.

But as I went along the street,
I carried my Hat in my hand,
And to every one that I did meet,
I bravely bust[F. 55] my hand:
Some did laugh, and some did scoff,
and some did mock at me,
And some did say I was a _Woodcock,
and a great Boobee_.

Then did I walk in hast to _Paul's_
the Steeple for to view,
Because I heard some people say,
it must be builded new;
Then I got up unto the top,
the City for to see,
It was so high, it made me Cry
_like a great Boobee_.

From thence I went to Westminster
and for to see the Tombs,
Ah, said I, what a house is here,
with an infinite sight of Rooms?
Sweetly the Abby bells did ring,
it was a fine sight to see,
Methought I was going to Heaven in a string
_like a great Boobee_.

But as I went along the Street
the most part of the day,
Many gallants did I meet
methought they were very gay:
I blew my Nose and foul'd my Hose,
some people did me see,
They said I was a Beastly Fool,
_and a great Boobee_.

Next day I through _Pye Corner_ past
the roast meat on the Stall
Invited me to take a taste
my Money was but small:
The Meat I pickt, the Cook me kickt
as I may tell to thee,
He beat me sore, and made me rore,
_like a great Boobee_.

As I through Smithfield lately walkt
a gallant Lass I met
Familiarly with me she talkt,
which I cannot forget:
She proferr'd me a pint of Wine,
methought she was wondrous free,
To the Tavern then I went with her,
_like a great Boobee_.

She told me we were neer of kin,
and call'd for Wine good store,
Before the reckoning was brought in
my Cousin proved a ----:
My Purse she pickt, and went away,
my Cousin couzned me,
The Vintner kickt me out of door,
_like a great Boobee_.

At the _Exchange_ when I came there,
I saw most gallant things,
I thought the Pictures living were
of all our English Kings:
I doft my Hat, and made a Leg,
and kneeled on my knee,
The people laught, and call'd me Fool,
_and great Boobee_.

To _Paris Garden_[F. 56] then I went,
where there is great resort,
My pleasure was my punishment,
I did not like the sport:
The Garden Bull with his stout horns
on high then tossed me,
I did bewray myself with fear,
_like a great Boobee_.

Then o're the Water did I pass,
as you shall understand,
I dropt into the Thames alas
before I came to Land:
The Water-man did help me out,
and thus did say to me,
Tis not thy fortune to be drown'd
_like a great Boobee_.

But I have learned so much wit,
shall shorten all my cares,
If I can but a License get
to play before the Bears:
'Twill be a gallant place indeed,
as I may tell to thee
Then who dare call me Fool or Ass
_or great Boobee_.

Printed for _F. Coles_,[F. 57] in _Wine Street_, on _Saffron Hill_ near _Hatton Garden_.

[Footnote 53: For tune see Appendix.]

[Footnote 54: The alphabet, so called because in the old Horn
books the letters, which were of course in a row, commenced
with a Cross. In Morley's _Introduction to Practical Music_
(printed 1597) is the following: "Christes Crosse be my speed,
in all vertue to proceede A. b. c. d. e. f. g. h. i. k. l. m.
n. o. p. q. r. s. and t. double u. v. with y, ezod & per se,
con per se, tittle, tittle est. Amen. When you have done begin
again, begin again!"]

[Footnote 55: Kissed (bussed).]

[Footnote 56: A place at Bankside, Southwark, famous for bull
and bear baiting.]

[Footnote 57: Francis Coles published between 1646 and 1674.]

[18.] A pleasant Fancy of an Italian by name _Trivelino_, Who falling asleep one Day, with his Horse's Bridle twisted in his Arm, another came who unbridled his Horse and got away. _Trivelino_ being awaked, and missing his Horse began to feel himself about, saying _Either I am_ Trivelino, _or not: If I am_ Trivelino _my Horse is lost; If not, I have got a Bridle, but know not how_.

A simple Fellow lookt [12.]
On a dish that was cookt,
Wherein was a Calves Head by name;
One told him, 'twas so clear,
If he lookt very near,
He might see his face in the same.

_Ad_ Johannuelem Leporem, _Lepidissimum_;

_Carmen Heroicum_.

I sing the furious battails of the Sph[oe]res [24.]
Acted in eight and twenty fathom deep,
And from that (_a_) time, reckon so many yeares
You'l find (_b_) _Endimion_ fell fast asleep.

_a._ There began the _Utopian_ accompt of years. _Mor: Lib 1.
circa finem._

_b._ _Endimion_ was a handsome young Welshman, whom one _Luce
Moone_ lov'd for his sweet breath; and would never hang off
his lips; but he not caring for her, eat abundance of toasted
cheese, purposely to make his breath unsavory; upon which she
left him presently, and ever since 'tis proverbially spoken
(as inconstant as Luce Moone). The _Vatican_ coppy of _Hesiod_
reades her name _Mohun_, but contractedly it is _Moone_.
_Hesiod. lib 4. tom. 3._

And now assist me O ye (_c_) Musiques nine
That tell the Orbs in order as they fight
And thou dread (_d_) _Atlas_ with thine eyes so fine,
Smile on me now that first begin to write.

_c._ For all the Orbes make Musick in their motion. _Berosus
de Sphera, lib 3._

_d._ _Atlas_ was a Porter in _Mauritania_, and because by
reason of his strength, he bore burthens of stupendious
weight, the Poets fain'd that he carried the Heavens on his
shoulders. _Cicero de nat Deorum. lib. 7._

(_e_) _Pompey_ that once was Tapster of _New June_,
And fought with _Cæsar_ on th' (_f_) _Æmathian plaines_,
First with his dreadful (_g_) _Myrmidons_ came in,
And let them blood in the Hepatick veines.

_e._ There were two others of this name. Aldermen of _Rome_.
_Tit. Liv. hist. lib. 28._

_f._ _Æmathia_ is a very faire Common in _Northampton shire_.
_Strabo. lib 321._

_g._ These _Myrmidons_ were _Cornish-men_ and sent by
_Bladud_, sometime king of this Realme, to ayd _Pompey_.
_Cæsar de bello. civili. lib. 14._

But then an _Antelope_ in Sable blew,
Clad like the (_h_) Prince of _Aurange_ in his cloke,
Studded with Satyres, on his Army drew,
And presently (_i_) _Pheander's_ Army broke.

_h._ It seemes not to be meant by _Count Henry_ but his
brother _Maurice_, by comparing his picture to the thing here
spoken of. _Jansen, de præd. lib 22._

_i._ _Pheander_ was so modest, that he was called the Maiden
Knight; and yet so valiant, that a French Cavaleer wrote his
life, and called his book _Pheander_ the _Maiden Knight_.
_Hon. d'Urfee. Tom 45._

(_k_) Philip for hardiness sirnamed _Chub_,
In Beauty equall to fork bearing (_l_) _Bacchus_,
Made such a thrust at (_m_) _Ph[oe]be_ with his Club,
That made the (_n_) _Parthians_ cry she will ---- us.

_k._ This seems not to be that king that was Son of _Amintas_,
and king of _Macedon_; but one who it seems was very
lascivious.

_l._ _Bacchus_ was a drunken yeoman of the Guard to Queen
_Elizabeth_ and a great Archer; so that it seems the Authour
mistooke his halbert for a forke.

_m._ This was _Long-Megg_[F. 58] of _Westminster_, who after
this conflict with _Phillip_ followed him in all his warres.
_Justinian. lib 35._

_n._ These were _Lancashire-men_ and sent by King _Gorbadug_
(for this war seemes to have been in the time of the
_Heptarchy_ in _England_) to the aide of _Cæsar_. Cæsar. lib.
citat. prope finem.

A subtle Gloworme lying in a hedge,
And heard the story of sweet cheek't (_o_) _Apollo_,
Snatch'd from bright (_p_) _Styropes_ his Antick sledge,
And to the butter'd Flownders cry'd out (_q_) _Holla_.

_o._ _Apollo_ was _Cæsars_ Page, and a _Monomapatan_ by
birth, whose name by inversion was _Ollopa_: which in the old
language of that Country, signifies as much as faire youth:
but _Euphoniæ Gratia_, called _Apollo_. _Gor. Bec. lib. 46._

_p._ _Styropes_ was a lame Smith's-man dwelling in _St. John's
Street_; but how he was called Bright I know not, except it
were by reason of the Luster of his eyes.

_q._ _Holla_, mistaken for _Apollo_.

_Holla_ you pamper'd Jades, quoth he, look here,
And mounting straight upon a Lobsters thigh,
An _English_ man inflam'd with (_r_) double Beere,
Swore nev'r to (_s_) drink to Man, a Woman by.

_r._ Cervisia (apud Medicos, vinum hordeaceum) potus est
Anglis longè charismus; Inventum Ferrarii _Londinensis_, Cui
nomen _Smuggo_. _Polydor. Virgil. de Invent. rerum. lib. 2._

_s._ Impp. Germaniæ, antiquitus solebant, statis temporibus,
adire _Basingstochium_; ubi, de more, Jusjurandum solenne
præstabant, de non viro propinando, præsente muliere. Hic Mos,
jamdudum apud _Anglos_, pene vim legis obtinuit; quippe gens
illa, longe humanissima morem istum, in hodiernum usque
diem, magna Curiositate, pari Comitate conjuncta, usurpant.
_Pancirol. utriusque imperii. lib. 6._ cap 5.

By this time grew the conflict to be (_t_) hot,
Boots against boots, 'gainst (_u_) Sandals, Sandals fly,
Many poor thirsty men went to the pot,
Feathers lopt off, spurrs every where did lie.
_Cætera desiderantur._

_t._ It seems this was a great battail, both by the furie
of it, and the aydes of each side; but hereof read more in
_Cornel. Tacit. lib. de moribus German._

_u._ This is an imitation of _Lucan_. "Signis Signa & pila"
&c. _Pharsalia. lib. 1._ in principio.

[Footnote 58: A virago who lived temp. Henry VIII.]

_Of Treason._

Treason doth never prosper; what's the reason? [16.]
For if it prosper, none dare call it Treason.

A miserable _Jack_ [12.]
Gave a little glass of Sack.
To a Lass that liv'd at the _Spittle_;
'Tis old wine, says he,
That's a wonder, says she,
To be old, and yet so little.

[18.] 'Tis said of one who well remembred what he had lent, but forgot what he had borrowed, that _he had lost one half of his Memory_.

_On the word intollerable._

Two gentlemen did to a Tavern come, [5.]
And call'd the drawer for to shew a room,
The drawer did, and what room think ye was't?
One of the small ones, where men drink in haste;
One gentleman sat down there, but the other
Dislik'd it, would not sit, call'd for another:
At which his friend, rising up from the table,
Cryes, friend, let's stay, this room is tollerable:
Why, that's the cause (quoth hee) I will not stay,
Is that the cause, quoth th' other? why, I pray?
To give a reason to you, I am able,
Because I hate to be in--Tollerable.

[26.] A Gentleman coming drunk to Bed over night, in the morning could not find his breeches: then he knock'd for the Chamberlain: _Sir_, says he, _if you are sure you brought them in with you, you had best search your pockets for them, for you lost all your Money last Night out of your Pockets, it may be your Breeches are got in there_.

THE CUNNING NORTHERNE BEGGER

Who all the By-standers doth earnestly pray
To bestow a penny upon him to day.

To the Tune of _Tom of Bedlam_.

I am a lusty begger, [29.]
And live by others giving,
I scorne to worke,
But by the highway lurke,
And beg to get my living:
I'le i' th' wind and weather,
And weare all ragged Garments,
Yet though I am bare,
I am free from care,
A fig for high preferments.
_For still will I cry good, your worship, good sir,
Bestow one poor denier, sir;
Which when I've got,
At the Pipe and Pot,
I soon will it cashiere, sir._

I have my shifts about me,
Like _Proteus_ often changing,
My shape when I will
I alter still,
About the country ranging:
As soon as I a Coatch see,
Or Gallants by come riding,
I take my Crotch,
And rouse from my Couch,
Whereas I lay abiding.
_And still doe cry, &c._

Now as a wandring Souldier,
(That has i' th' warres bin maymed
With the shot of a Gunne)
To Gallants I runne,
And begg, sir, helpe the lamed:
I am a poore old Souldier
And better times once viewed,
Though bare now I goe,
Yet many a foe,
By me hath been subdued.
_And therefore I cry &c._

Although I nere was further,
Than Kentish-street in Southwarke,
Nor ere did see
A Battery
Made against any bulwarke;
But with my Tricks and Doxes,
Lay in some corner lurking,
And nere went abroad,
But to beg on the road,
To keep my selfe from working:
_And alwaies to cry &c._

Anon I'm like a saylor
And weare old Canvas cloathing,
And then I say
The Dunkerks away,
Took all and left me nothing:
Sixe ships set all upon us,
'Gainst which we bravely ventur'd
And long withstood,
Yet could doe no good,
Our ship at length they enter'd
_And therefore I cry &c._

Sometime I like a Criple
Upon the ground lye crawling,
For money I begge,
As wanting a legge
To beare my corps from falling:
Then seeme I weake of body,
And long t' have beene diseased,
And make complaint
As ready to faint,
And of my griefs increased.
_And faintly I cry &c._

My flesh I can so temper,
That it shall seeme to feister
And looke all ore,
Like a raw sore,
Whereon I stick a plaister:
With blood I daub my face then,
To faigne the falling sicknesse,
That in every place
They pitty my case,
As if it came from weaknesse.
_And then I doe cry &c._

Then as if my sight I wanted,
A Boy doth walke beside me,
Or else I doe
Grope as I goe,
Or have a dog to guide me:
And when I'm thus accounted,
To th' highway side I hye me,
And there I stand
With Cords in my hand,
And beg of all comes nye me.
_And earnestly cry &c._

Next to some country fellow
I presently am turned,
And cry alacke,
With a Child at my back,
My house and goods were burned:
Then me my Doxes follow,
Who for my Wifes believed,
And along wee two
Together goe,
With such mischances grieved.
_And still we doe cry &c._

What though I cannot labour,
Shall I therefore pine with hunger,
No, rather than I
Will starve where I lye,
I'le beg of the money monger:
No other care shall trouble
My minde, nor griefe disease me,
Though sometimes the flash
I get or the lash
'Twill but a while displease me.
_And still will I cry &c._

No tricks at all shall scape me,
But I will by my maunding
Get some reliefe
To ease my griefe,
When by the highway standing:
'Tis better be a Begger
And aske of kind good fellowes,
And honestly have
What we do crave,
Than steale and goe to the Gallowes.
_Therefore I'le cry &c._

FINIS.

Printed at London for _F. Coules_.[F. 59]

[Footnote 59: Same as Francis Coles (see "The Great Boobee").]

[26.] One coming into _New-Market_ to buy some Butter, and there cheapened some; and the woman askt. 10d a pound: then he smelt to it; _What_, says she, _do you smell to it, it seems you do not like my Butter: Yes_, says he, _but 'tis no better than it should be. Then you'll buy none_, says she: _No_, says he, _for a reason best known to myself_. Then she askt him the reason, and with much importunity he told her, 'twas because he had no Money: _Well then_, says the Woman, _take it for nothing, so you'll pay me for it next time you come_.

Sirrah, you are base [12.]
To spit in my face,
That he vow'd, he wou'd him kill;
Sir, I pray forbear,
I thought no hurt here,
Nay, I'le tread it out, if you will.

_A contest at the_ Hoop-Tavern _between two Lawyers_.

Two _Lawyers_ had of late a _Tavern_ Jarr [25.]
And as 'twas made, 'twas try'd at _Bacchus_ Bar;
The _Jury_ Pints and Quarts, and Pottles were,
Each of a quick and understanding Eare,
Brought in their verdict, which no sooner pass'd
But that the Lawyers they themselves did cast.
Sir _Burdeux_ Claret, White, Signiour Canary,
Sir _Reynold Rhenish_, with a tertiorary,
Whipt up my Youths (& they ye know were able)
This into th' Chimny, that beneath the Table.
Where They lay both, instead of a demur,
So foxt, that neither, in the case, could stir,
They might have else a _Writ of Error_ got,
But, O the Error of the Pottle Pot!
Both over-thrown, and on their backs now laid,
Let the Sute fall, and their own charges paid.
And thus, though _Westminster_ makes _Clients_ stoop,
The _Lawyer's_ Case was alter'd at the _Hoop_.

[4.] A Conceited Scholar that was lately come from _Oxford_, drinking with two or three Gentlemen, at the _Mitre Tavern_ in the _Poultrey_, was very brisk and airy, and would needs be forming of Sylogismes &c. One wise one was this, He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine, which they did: now: says he, I will prove those two Glasses to be three, thus, Is not here one, says he? Yes, says the Gentleman. And here another, that's two, says he; Yes, says the Gentleman again. Why, then, says he, one and two is three, so 'tis done. _Very well_, says the Gentleman, _I'll have one Glass, and that Gentleman shall have the other, and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out_.

_Of inclosing a Common._

A Lord, that purpos'd for his more availe, [6.]
To compass in a Common with a rayle,
Was reckoning with his friend about the Cost,
And charge of every rayle, and every post:
But he, (that wisht his greedy humour crost)
Said, Sir, provide you Posts, and without fayling,
Your neighbours round about will find you rayling.

Some said, Sir, you keep [12.]
Such a gaping in your sleep,
He told 'em then they did lye all;
For a looking glass he'd buy,
At his bed's-feet to lye,
On purpose to make a tryal.

[4.] A Scholar of _Oxford_ having wore out the Heels of his Boots, brought them in his hands to a Cobler, and shewing him them, said, _O thou curious Artificer, that hast by no small pains and study, arrived to the perfection of that exquisite art of repairing the defects of old decayed Calcuments, affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors_. The Cobler stared upon him, as if he would have looked him through; but a little recovering himself, said, _Before George, Sir, I understand not your hard Language: but if I put on two Heel pieces, I'll have a Groat for them_.

The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentleman's Chamber in the Colledg, he directed him thus, _you must crucifie the Quadrangle, and ascend the Grades, and you will find him perambulating in his Cubicle, near the Fenester_. Pray Sir, says the Porter, what is that _Fenester_? _It is_, replies the Scholar, _the Diaphonous part of an Edifice, erected for the Introduction of Illumination_, which so amazed the Porter, that at first he did not know what to think, till recovering himself, he went and enquired of another, who gave him plainer directions, in more intelligible terms.

_A Caution for Scolds_

or

A True Way of Taming a Shrew.

To the tune of _Why are my eyes still flowing_.

This may be printed R.P.

A Noble Man he Marry'd with a cruel Scold, [30.]
Who in her humours would ne'r be controul'd,
So that he was almost a weary of his Life,
By the cross humours of his froward Wife:
Although he shewed himself exceeding kind,
Yet she was still of a turbulent mind;
Husband and Servants her Fury must feel,
For in their Ears she would ring them a Peal.

When any Friend approach'd the presence of her Lord,
By this vile Shrew they were strangely abhor'd;
With cruel Frowns and Railings she would them salute
Tho' they were Persons of worthy Repute;
All was a case for she woud have her Will,
And the whole House with Confusion she'd fill;
So that for fear of the heat of her Fray
They have been forc'd to run packing away.

It was his chance to make a worthy noble feast,
Inviting full forty Couple at least,
Both Lords and Earls, with vertuous Ladies of high fame,
Who in true Friendship accordingly came:
All sorts of dainties he then did prepare,
No cost nor charge in the least he did spare;
But ere they could to their Banqueting fall,
Sirs, you shall hear how she welcom'd them all.

When she beheld the Costly Dishes of Rich Meat,
This Shrew had not the Stomach to Eat,
But did cry out, I shall be Ruined at this rate,
This is enough to consume an Estate:
Before she any more words did reply
She made both Bottles and Dishes to flye;
Both Friends and Husband she there did abuse,
Asking him how he dare be so profuse?

Like Thunder loud, her voice she straight began to raise,
Which made the Guests to stand all in a maze,
Who never saw the like in all their lives before,
Dishes of Meat they lay strow'd on the floor;
Thus in disorder they all went their way,
Each one was glad they were out of the fray;
Then said her Husband did ever Man know,
Any poor Mortal so plagu'd with a Shrow.

Now the next day he to a skilful Doctor went,
Promising that he would give him content,
If he could cure the cause of a Distracted Wife
Which almost made him a weary of his Life;
Yes, quoth the Doctor, i'le do it ne'r fear,
Bring her, for now 'tis the Spring of the Year;
I'le take the Lunacy out of her Brains,
Or else I wont have a Groat for my pains.

Then home he went and sent her thither out of hand,
Now when the Shrow, she did well understand
All their intent, she cal'd the Doctor sneaking knave;
Now when he see she began for to Rave,
Straightways the Doctor did bind her in Bed,
Leting her Blood, likewise shaving her Head;
Sirrah, said she, I would have you to know,
That you shall suffer for serving me so.

Madam, said he, I know you are beside your Wits,
But I will soon bring you out of those Fits;
I'le cut your Tongue, and when a Gallon you have bled,
'Twill cure that violent Noise in your Head;
Pray Sir, said she, don't afflict me so sore,
I'le ne'r offend my sweet Husband no more;
Thus by sharp Usage and keeping her low,
He had the fortune to Conquer the Shrow.

After some time, he came to see his Wife at last,
When she begg'd pardon for all that was past;
Saying, her Fits for evermore she would refrain,
If he'd be pleas'd to receive her again;
My former Follies I pray now forgive,
Ile ne'r offend you no more while I live:
Then in much love they both homeward did go
Thus has he made a sweet Wife of a Shrow.

FINIS.

[18.] One being set upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the Morning, _Gentlemen_, says he to 'em, _you open Shop very early to day_.

Mr _Hill_ he did say [12.]
H _non est litera_,
But a note of aspiration still;
Now I think on't better,
If it be not a letter,
With him it will go very ill.

_On_ Galla _going to the Bath_.

When _Galla_ for her health goes to the Bath, [14.]
She carefully doth hide, as is most meet,
With aprons of fine linnen or a sheet,
Those parts that modesty concealed hath;
Nor only those, but even the breast and neck,
That might be seen or shown without all check;
But yet one foul and unbeseeming place.
She leaves uncovered still; what's that? her face.

[8.] There was one that died greatly in Debt, when it was reported in some company, where divers of his Creditors were, that he was dead; one began to say in good faith, then he hath Carried five hundred ducates of mine with him into the other world; and another of them said, and two hundred of mine; and some others spake of several sums of theirs: whereupon one that was amongst them said, _Well, I see now, that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him, into the other world, yet he may carry other mens_.

A Welshman and an Englishman disputed, [5.]
Which of their Lands maintain'd the greatest state,
The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted,
Yet would the Welshman nought his brags abate:
Ten Cooks, quoth he, in Wales one wedding sees;
Truth quoth the other, each man tosts his cheese.

'Fore a Justice was brought [12.]
One for a great fault;
Y'are an errant Dog, Rogue, says he;
Sir, I am no Dog,
Nor so errant a Rogue.
As your Worship ---- takes me to be.

[17.] A Western Lady was very Hospitable to many Gentlemen, and it happened a Knight came thither; and being a great House-wife, early in the Morning she called to her maids, and ask'd whether the Pigs were served; which the Knight hearing, said before the Gentlewoman at dinner, Madam are the Pigs served? Sir, says she, _I know not whether you have had your breakfast yea or no_.

My love and I for kisses play'd [5.]
She would keep stakes, I was content,
And when I wonne, she would be payd;
This made me aske her what she meant,
Sayth she, since you are in this wrangling vaine,
Take you your kisses, and give me mine againe.

_On a farmer knighted._

In my conceit Sir _John_, you were to blame, [5.]
To make a quiet good wife, a mad dame.

[26.] Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together, one was asking what News there was? T'other told him, There was forty thousand Men rose to day, which made them all stare about, and asked him to what end they rose, and what did they intend? Why faith, says he, only to go to bed at Night again.

_Of Milo the Glutton._

_Milo_ with haste to cram his greedy gut, [6.]
One of his thumbs into the bone had cut.
Then straight, it noysed was about by some,
That he had lost his stomacke with his thumbe.
To which one said. No worse hap fall unto him,
But, if a poore man finde it, 'twill undo him.

[18.] A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds. Meeting together in a fair Road, where both their Coaches went a good rate; the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman, and begged a thousand Excuses. _And I beg_, said the Gentleman presently, _a thousand Pounds._

A Pleasant new Ballad you here may behold,
How the Devill, though subtle, was guld by a Scold.

To the Tune of _The Seminary Priest_.

Give eare my loving Country-men [31.]
that still desire newes,
Nor passe not while you heare it sung,
or else the song peruse:
For ere you heare it, I must tell
my newes, it is not common,
But Ile unfold a trueth betwixt
a Devill and a woman.

_Tom Thumb_ is not my subiect,
whom Fairies oft did aide,
Nor that mad spirit _Robin_
that plagues both wife and maid
Nor is my song satyricke like,
invented against no man,
But onely of a pranke betwixt
a Devill and a woman.

* * * * *

A woman well in yeares
liv'd with a husband kinde
Who had a great desire
to live content in minde,
But twas a thing impossible
to compasse his desire
For night and day with scolding
she did her husband tire.

With roughish, lowtish clowne,
despight thee Ile be wilde,
Doest thou think I marryed thee
to use thee like a childe,
And set thee on my lap,
or humour what you speake?
Before Ile be so fond,
thy very heart Ile breake.

Why, loving wife, quoth he,
Ile never doe thee wrong,
So thoul't be rul'd by me,
and onely hold thy tongue.
And when I come from worke,
wilt please at board and bed;
Doe this my loving wife
and take all being dead.

Marke well, quoth she, my words
what ere you speak me to,
By faire meanes or by foule,
the contrary Ile doe.
According to her speech,
this man led such a life,
That oft he wish't the Devill
to come and fetch his wife.

Had he bid her goe homely,
why then she would goe brave,
Had he cal'd her good wife,
she cal'd him rogue and slave;
Bade he, wife goe to Church,
and take the fairest pew,
Shee'd goe unto an Alehouse,
and drinke, lye downe and spew.

The Devill being merry
with laughing at this mirth,
Would needs from hell come trotting,
to fetch her from the earth;
And coming like a horse,
did tell this man his minde,
Saying, Set her but astride my backe,
Ile hurry her through the winde.

Kinde Devill quoth the man,
if thou a while will wait,
Ile bid her doe that thing
shall make her backe thee straight
And here Ile make a vow
for all she is my wife,
Ile never send for her againe
whilest I have breath or life.

Content, the Devill cry'd,
then to his wife goes he
Good wife, goe lead that horse
so black and fair you see.
Goe leade, sir Knave, quoth she
and wherefore not goe ride?
She took the Devill by the reines,
and up she goes astride.

The Devill neighed lowd,
and threw his heeles i' th' ayre,
Kick, in the Devill's name, quoth she,
a shrew doth never fear.
Away to hell he went,
with this most wicked scold,
But she did curbe him with the bit,
and would not loose her hold.

The more he cry'd, Give way,
the more she kept him in,
And kickt him so with both her heeles,
that both his sides were thin.
Alight, the Devill cry'd,
and quick the bridle loose,
No I will ride (quoth she)
whiles thou hast breath or shooes.

Again she kickt and prickt,
and sate so stiffe and well,
The Devill was not so plagu'd
a hundred years in hell.
For pitty light (quoth he)
thou put'st me to much paine,
I will not light, (quoth she)
till I come home againe.

The Devill shewed her all
the paines within that place,
And told her that they were
ordain'd for Scolds so base.
Being bereft of breath,
for scolding tis my due,
But whilest I live on earth
Ile be reveng'd on you.

Then did she draw her knife,
and gave his eare a slit,
The Devill never felt
the like from mortall yet.
So fearing further danger,
he to his heeles did take,
And faster than he came,
he poast hast home did make.

Here take her (quoth the Devill)
to keep her here be bold,
For hell would not be troubled
with such an earthly scold.
When I come home, I may
to all my fellowes tell,
I lost my labour and my bloud
to bring a scold to hell.

The man halfe dead did stand,
away the Devill hyde,
Then since the world, nor hell,
can well a Scold abide:
To make a saile of ships
let husbands fall to worke,
And give their free consents
to send them to the Turke.

Then honest wives and maides,
and widdowes of each sort,
Might live in peace and rest,
and Silence keep her court,
Nor would I have a scold,
one penny here bestow,
But honest men and wives
buy these before you goe.

FINIS.

Printed at London for Henry Gosson[F. 60] dwelling upon London Bridge. neare to the Gate.

[Footnote 60: Henry Gosson published between 1607 and 1641.]

He went to the wood and caught it, [32.]
He sate him down and sought it,
Because he could not find it,
Home with him he brought it.

_Solution._

That is a thorn; for a man went to the wood and caught a thorn in his foot, and then he sate him down, and sought to have pull'd it out, and because he could not find it out he must needs bring it home.

[26.] A rich and covetous Councellor of this Kingdom, that had an only Child, which was a Daughter and worth £20,000. A young and handsome Gentleman of good Birth though of no great Fortune; yet had so far insinuated himself into the young Lady's Favour, that she promis'd him Marriage, if he could get her Father's Consent. Immediately he comes for _London_, and goes to her Father, and told him, That he would give him £10 for a Fee if he could assist him in a business which did much concern him: which was, That there was a rich young Heiress in town, which had promised him marriage if it could any way be made good by Law: Why, says he, let her hire a Horse, and invite you to take her away, and let her get up before, and you behind that it may not be said that you rode away with her, but she with you, and let her go to the Minister, and tell him, 'tis her desire to be married to you, and to get a Licence accordingly; and when you are married, then be sure to bed her, and I'll warrant you she's your own. And this, says the Gentleman, you'll avouch for Law? He told him, Yes. Well Sir, says he, if you will set your Hand to it, I'll give you Ten Pounds more; which he did. Immediately he goes into the Country, and shews the young Lady what was done, and how 'twas done; and she accordingly performed her promise, and suddenly married and bedded; and having so continued a week they both came to _London_, and came to her Father, and fell down upon their knees to him, and craved his Blessing; which made him at first fly into harsh Language; but the Gentleman said, We have done nothing but what you avoucht for Law, and have it under your hand. The Lawyer fearing his Reputation might be brought in question, and seeing him to be a handsome and well bred Gentleman, and of a good family, clape both their hands together, and bid God bless them; and then gave them a subsistence for the present, and made over all to them after his death.

Three had a contest [12.]
Which grain was the best;
The first said Wheat had the Quorum
The second stood for Rye
But the third did reply
_Hordea est farra forum_.[F. 61]

[Footnote 61: Far afore 'em.]

_On one in debt._

_Don Pedro's_ out of debt; be bold to say it; [14.]
For they are said to owe that mean to pay it.

[4.] A Gentleman that had never been used to Wounds, received a small scratch with a Sword in a Tavern Fray; at which he was sadly frighted, and sent immediately for a Chyrurgeon, who coming, and seeing the Wound but slight, and the Gentleman in a great fear: for sport's sake pretended great danger, and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him such a Plaister: _Why Sir_, quoth the Gentleman, _is the wound so dangerous?_ _O Yes_, replyed the Arch Chyrurgeon, _for if he don't make great haste, it will heal of it self, before he comes._

Scylla _toothlesse_.