Chapter M (5)

[17.] One wondred there was so many Pick pockets about _London_, seeing there's a Watch at every corner: _Pah_, says another, _they'd as willingly meet with a watch as any thing else_.

_More dew_ the Mercer, with a kinde salute, [5.]
Would needs intreate my custome for a suit:
Here Sir, quoth he, for Sattins, Velvets call,
What e're you please, I'le take your word for all.
I thank'd, took, gave my word; say then,
Am I at all indebted to this man?

[61.] A mad young Gallant, having rid as he feared, out of his way, overtook a blunt Country fellow, and asked him, which was the way to _Salesbury_? The Country man, intending not only to set him right: but withall to know whether or no he had committed any error in his way thither, asked him as the manner is, from whence he came, to which the surly Gallant answered, _Why what is that to you, from whence I came?_ _You say true Master,_ quoth the Bumkin, _It is nothing to me from whence you come, nor whether you goe._ So he walkt away with his hands coupled behind him, and left the gentle fool to study out his way to _Salesbury_.

To review, or even to largely quote from the dramatists of the seventeenth century is not within the scope of this work, but I cannot refrain (because they are so scarce) from giving a sample of one of the "Drolls," as they were called--short plays performed in booths at the fairs, and very often abbreviated versions of the legitimate drama, as "Bottom the Weaver," from _A Midsummer's Night's Dream_; "The Humours of the Gravemakers," from _Hamlet_. In fact, as the preface to the book [75.], whence the accompanying Droll is taken, states, "The most part of these Pieces were written by such Penmen as were known to be the ablest Artists that ever this Nation produced, by Name, _Shake-spear_, _Fletcher_, _Johnson_, _Shirley_, and others; and these Collections are the very Souls of their writings, if the witty part thereof may be so termed: And the other small Pieces composed by several other Authors, are such as have been of great fame in this last Age, when the publique Theatres were shut up, and the Actors forbidden to present us with any of their Tragedies, because we had enough of that in earnest, and Comedies, because the Vices of the Age were too lively and smartly represented; then all that we could divert our selves with, were these humours and pieces of Plays, which passing under the Name of a merry Conceited Fellow, called _Bottom the Weaver_, _Simpleton the Smith_, _John Swabber_, or some such Title, were only allowed us, and that by stealth too, and under pretence of Rope-dancing, or the like; and these being all that was permitted us, great was the confluence of the Auditors; and these small things were as profitable, and as great get-pennies to the Actors[F. 123] as any of our late famed Plays. I have seen the _Red Bull_[F. 124] Playhouse, which was a large one, so full that as many went back for want of room as had entred; and as meanly as you may now think of these Drols, they were then acted by the best Comedians then and now in being; and I may say, by some that then exceeded all now Living; by Name, the incomparable _Robert Cox_ who was not only the principal Actor, but also the Contriver and Author of most of these Farces. How have I heard him cryed up for his _John Swabber_, and _Simpleton the Smith?_ In which he being to appear with a large piece of Bread and Butter, I have frequently known several of the Female Spectators and Auditors to long for some of it: and once that well known Natural, _Jack Adams_ of _Clarkenwel_, seeing him with Bread and Butter on the Stage, and knowing him, cryed out, Cuz, Cuz, give me some, give me some; to the great pleasure of the Audience. And so Naturally did he Act the Smith's part, that being at a Fair in a Countrey Town, and that Farce being presented, the only Master Smith of the Town came to him, saying, well, although your Father speaks so ill of you, yet when the Fair is done, if you will come and work with me, I will give you twelve pence a week more than I give any other Journey-Man. Thus was he taken for a Smith bred, that was indeed as much of any Trade.

... Thus were these Compositions liked and approved by all, and they were the fittest for the Actors to represent, there being little Cost in Cloaths, which often were in great danger to be seized by the then Souldiers, who, as the Poet sayes, _Enter the Red Coat, Exit Hat and Cloak_, was very true, not only in the Audience, but the Actors too, were commonly, not only strip'd, but many times imprisoned, till they paid such Ransom as the Souldiers would impose upon them; so that it was hazardous to Act any thing that required any good Cloaths, instead of which painted Cloath many times served the turn to represent Rich Habits ... and this painting puts me in mind of a piece I once saw in a Country Inn, where was, with the best skill of the Workman represented King _Pharaoh_ with _Moses_ and _Aaron_, and some others, to explain which figures, was added this piece of Poetry

Here _Pharaoh_ with his Goggle Eyes does stare on
The High Priest _Moses_, with the Prophet _Aaron_.
Why, what a Rascal
Was he that would not let the People go to eat the Phascal.

The Painting was in every wayes as defective and lame as the Poetry, for I believe he who pictured King _Pharaoh_, had never seen a King in his life, for all the Majesty he was represented with was goggle Eyes, that his Picture might be answerable to the Verse."

We see by the above extract that much was not expected in a Droll; and, verily, few could have been disappointed. To modern taste the humour of the majority is too coarse; and, therefore, I have been obliged to take, as an exemplar, the most innocent of its class.

[Footnote 123: It is a curious fact that both Nares and
Halliwell, in their glossaries, describe Drolls as being
_puppet_ shows, when, as is shown, they were acted by living
people.]

[Footnote 124: This theatre was in Clerkenwell, at the corner
of what is now Woodbridge Street, and here acted (in October
1617, if not again) Edward Alleyn, the founder of Dulwich
College. It is frequently mentioned in contemporary books,
notably by Prynne in his _Histrio Martix_, and by Pepys in his
Diary, 4th August 1660, and 23d March and 26th May 1662.]

The Humour of Bumpkin.

_Argument needless, It being a Thorow Farce very well known--_

[75.] _Actors Names._

Acteon, three Huntsmen, Bumpkin, three Country Wenches.

_Enter first Huntsman, and Bumkin._

_1. Hunt._ Why, what's the matter?

_Bump._ Nay, I know not; but every day my great Guts, and
my small Guts make such a Combustion in my belly, as passes,
and my Puddings, (like Lances) run a-tilt at my heart,
and make me queasie-stomacht.

_1 Hunt._ Canst thou not guess the reason of this trouble?

_Bump._ Yes, I think I can, and I'le be judged by thee,
if my case be not desperate. I have a horrible mind to be in love.

_1 Hunt._ With whom?

_Bump._ With any body; but I cannot find out the way how
to be in Love.

_1. Hunt._ Why? I'le instruct thee: Cans't thou be melancholly?

_Bump._ Yes, as a Dog, or a Hog-louse; I could even find
it in my heert to cry presently.

_1. Hunt._ Canst thou sleep well?

_Bump._ I cannot tell, I never saw myself sleep.

_1. Hunt._ Is't possible that thou so long been an attendant
upon my Lord Acteon, shoulds't be to learn the way to
be in love.

_Bump._ I would it were not possible, on the condition thou
wert hang'd and quartered.

_1 Hunt._ I thank you, Sir. But _Bumpkin_ list to me; This
day thou knows't the Maids and Young men meet to sport, and revel it
about the May pole: Present thy self there, tell thy cause of grief,
and I dare warrant thee a Sweet-heart presently.

_Bump._ If thou cans't do that, Ile marry her first and learn to
love her afterwards.

_1 Hunt._ Hast hither, _Bumpkin_ I'le go on before (_Exit_)

_Bump._ And I will follow thee a dog trot. Is it not a pitty:
that a man of Authority as I am, having been chief Dog-Keeper
to my Lord Acteon this five years, being a man so comely of person,
and having such a pure complexion, that all fair Ladies may be
ashamed to look on me, and that I should be distressed for a
Sweet-heart? Maypole I come.

And if the Wenches there encrease my pains
And scorn to love, i'le beat out all their brains.

(_Exit_)

_Enter Huntsmen with three Country Wenches._

_2. Co. Wench._ Is it possible would _Bumpkin_ be in love?

_1 Hunt._ Yes, if he knew but how, and for that sickness I have
undertaken to become his Doctor: For at the May Pole meeting 'tis
decreed, a Sweet-heart must be purchast, come what will on't.

_3. Co. Wench._ Nay, if he be distressed, twenty to one he may
find charitable persons there. Come, strike up a _Farewel
to Misfortune_. (_Exit_)

_Enter Bumpkin._

_Bump._ That is a Dance that I could never hit of: pray desist
a woile, and hear my doleful Tale.

_1. Co. Wench._ He'l make us cry sure.

_Bump._ Be it known unto all men by these presents----

_2. Co. Wench._ An Obligation, we will be no witnesses.

_Bump._ Why then I'le hang my self.

_3. Co. Wench._ We will be witness then.

_Bump._ What, to my hanging? O' my Conscience, if I should
woo my heart out, I should never be the fatter for it.--Where's
your promise now?

_1. Hunt._ You have not yet exprest yourself; be plain, tell
them your grief; a remedy will follow.

_Bump._ If that be all, 'tis an easy matter, pray take notice that
I am in love--with somebody.

_2. Co. Wench._ Would I were she.

_Bump._ Why, so you are, if you have a mind to it.

_2 Co. Wench._ Why then, you are my own.

_3. Co. Wench._ Pardon me, Sister, I bespake him yesterday.

(_They all hang about him_)

_Bump._ Yes, marry did she (Goes to her).

_1. Co. Wench._ But I was she that won him at the May pole.

_2. Co. Wench._ Was that the Cause you strove so for the
Garland.

_Bump._ What's that to you? (_Goes to her._)
Would I had any of them in quietness.

_3. Co. Wench._ But yet I must have share.

_1. Co. Wench._ So must I too. (_All pull him_)

_2. Co. Wench._ I will not part without the better half.

_Bump._ Then who shall have me whole? what--are you mad?

_3. Co. Wench._ Theres reason for a madness in this Case.

_1. Co. Wench._ I will not loose my right. Let go, I say.

_2. Co. Wench._ He shall be mine, or else he shall be nothing.

_Bump._ Away you burrs, why do you stick so on me? Now
by this hand, if nothing can perswade you, I'le drown
myself for spight, that you may perish. (_Horn_)

_1. Hunt._ Hark, hark, my Lord _Acteons_ warning piece; That
Horn gives us intelligence he doth intend to Spend this
day in hunting: _Bumpkin_ why stay you? the hounds
will quarrel with you: we'l come after.

_1. Co. Wench._ Will you not stay, my Love?

_Bump._ I'le see you hang'd first, and by this hand, ere I will
be in love again, I will feed my hounds with my own
proper Carcase. (_Exit_)

_2. Co. Wench._ Now he is gone, our dancing may go forward.

_2. Hunt._ My Lord Acteon stays, be quick, I pray.

_3. Co. Wench._ Quick as you will; the doing of it quick, makes
it shew the better. (_A Country Dance. Then Exeunt._)

_Enter Acteon and Bumpkin._

_Acteon._ Be nimble, Sirrah.

_Bump._ Nimble? yes, as a bear that hath been lug'd to
purpose: if Love be such a troublesome Companion I
will entreat him to keep out of my Company.

_Acteon._ We consume the day.

_Bump._ They have saved me a labour.

_Acteon._ Fie, what mean you? The glory of the day calls us
to action.

_1. Hunt._ Sir, you may please to know, that yesternight I lodged
a boar within the neighbouring Forest.

_Bump._ Yes, Sir, and I lodged a Fox at a house hard by.

A pleasant new Ballad to sing both Even and Morne,
Of the bloody murther of Sir _John Barley corne_.

To the tune of, _Shall I lye beyond thee_.[F. 125]

As I went through the North Countrey [76.]
I heard a merry greeting:
A pleasant toy, and full of joy,
two noble men were meeting.

And as they walked for to sport,
upon a Sommers day,
Then with another nobleman
they went to make a fray.

Whose name was sir John Barley Corne,
he dwelt downe in a dale;
Who had a kinsman dwelt him nigh,
they cal'd him Thomas Goodale.

Another named Richard Beere,
was ready at that time
Another worthy knight was there
call'd sir William White Wine.

Some of them fought in a blacke Jacke
some of them in a Can,
But the chiefest in a black pot,
like a worthy noble man.

Sir John Barley-corne fought in a Boule,
who wonne the victorie;
And made them all to fume and sweare
that Barley-corne should die.

Some said kill him, some said drowne,
others wisht to hang him hie,
For as many as follow Barley-corne,
shall surely beggers die.

Then with a plough they plowed him up
and thus they did devise,
To burie him quicke within the earth,
and swore he should not rise.

With horrowes strong they combed him,
and burst clods on his head;
A joyfull banquet then was made
when Barly-Corne was dead.

He rested still within the earth,
till raine from skies did fall,
Then he grew up in branches greene,
which sore amaz'd them all.

And so grew up till Mid-sommer,
which made them all afeard,
For he was sprouted up on hie,
and got a goodly beard.

Then he grew till S. _James_ tide,
his countenance was wan,
For he was growne unto his strength,
and thus became a man.

With hookes and sickles keene
into the field they hide[F. 126]
They Cut his legs off by the knees
and made him wounds full wide.

Thus bloodily they cut him downe
from place where he did stand,
And like a thiefe for treachery,
they bound him in a band.

So then they tooke him up againe
according to his kind;
And packt him up in severall sackes,
to wither with the wind.

And with a pitch forke that was sharpe
they rent him to the heart,
And like a thiefe for treason vile,
they bound him in a cart.

And tending him with weapons strong
unto the towne they hye,
And straight they mowed him in a mow
and there they let him lie.

Then he lay groning by the wals,
till all his wounds were sore,
At length they tooke him up againe,
and cast him on the floore.

They hyred two with holly clubs,
to beat on him at once,
They thwacked so on Barly-corne,
that flesh fell from the bones.

And then they tooke him up againe,
to fulfill womens minde,
They dusted him, and they sifted him,
till he was almost blind.

And then they knit him in a sacke,
which grieved him full sore,
They steeped him in a Fat,[F. 127] God wot,
for three days space and more.

And then they took him up againe,
and laid him for to drie,
They cast him on a chamber floore,
and swore that he should die.

They rubbed him and they stirred him,
and still they did him turne,
The malt man swore that he should die,
his body he would burne.

They spightfully tooke him up againe,
and threw him on a kill [F. 128]
So dried him there with fire hot
and thus they wraught their will.

Then they brought him to the mill,
and there they burst his bones,
The Miller swore to murther him,
betwixt a pair of stones.

Then they tooke him up againe,
and serv'd him worse than that,
For with hot scalding liquor store
they washt him in a Fat

But not content with this, God wot,
that did him mickle harme;
With threatening words they promised
to beat him into barme.

And lying in this danger deep,
for feare that he should quarrell,
They tooke him straight out of the fat,
and tunn'd him in a barrell.

And then they set a tap to him,
even thus his death begun;
They drew out every drain of blood,
Whilst any drop would run.

Some brought jacks[F. 129] upon their backs,
some brought bill and bow,
And every man his weapon had,
Barly-Corne to overthrow.

When sir John Goodale heard of this
he came with mickle might,
And there he took their tongues away,
their legs or else their sight.

And thus sir John in each respect
so paid them all their hire,
That some lay sleeping by the way,
some tumbling in the mire.

Some lay groning by the wals,
some in the streets downeright,
The best of them did scarcely know
what they had done ore night.

All you good wives that brew good ale
God turn from you all teene,[F. 130]
But if you put too much water in
the devill put out your eyne.

FINIS.

London, Printed for _John Wright_,[F. 131] and are to be sold at his shop in _Guilt spurre_ Street at the signe of the Bible.

A very slight comparison with Robert Burns' poem on this subject will show how much he was indebted to this version, having plagiarised, almost verbally, in many parts.

[Footnote 125: For tune, see Appendix.]

[Footnote 126: Hied.]

[Footnote 127: Vat]

[Footnote 128: Kiln]

[Footnote 129: A thick leather coat; here used in another
sense as a "black jack" or leather can.]

[Footnote 130: Sorrow.]

[Footnote 131: A John Wright at the Bible, near Newgate,
published between 1624 and 1627; but a J. Wright in Giltspur
Street published from 1670 to 1690. In the Roxburghe Ballads
are three editions of this ballad, catalogued (?) 1650, 1690,
1730.]

_How_ Tarlton _tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it_.

[77.] _Tarlton_, (as other Gentlemen used) at the first comming up of Tabacco, did take it more for fashion's sake than otherwise, & being in a roome, set between two Men overcome with Wine, and they never seeing the like, wondred at it; and seeing the vapour come out of _Tarlton's_ nose, cryed out Fire, fire, and then threw a Cup of Wine in _Tarlton's_ face. Make no more stirre, quoth Tarlton, the fire is quenched: if the Sheriffes come, it will turne to a fine, as the Custome is. And drinking that againe, Fie, sayes the other, what a stinke it makes, I am almost poisoned. If it offend, saies _Tarlton_, let's every one take a little of the smell, and so the savour will quickly goe: but Tobacco whiffes made them leave him to pay all.

_Dick_ had but two words to maintain him ever, [5.]
And that was, Stand; and, after, stand--Deliver.
But _Dick's_ in Newgate, and he fears shall never
Be blest again with that sweet word, Deliver.

A tall Man void of wit, [12.]
We may compare him fit
To a House six Stories high at least;
Where commonly we see
That the upper Rooms be
Worst furnish'd than any of the rest.

[78.] One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of _Teneriff_ (which is supposed to be one of the highest hils in the worlde) asked him why he had not stay'd there, for he was perswaded hee would never come so neere heaven againe.

[32.] I consume my mother that bare me, I eat my nurse that fed me, then I dye leaving all blind that saw me.

_Solution._ Meant of the flame of a Candle, which having consumed both wax and weeke, goeth out leaving them in the dark that saw by it.

The following shows the extent to which political satire can be carried, and its wit and rarity must be my apology for introducing it:--

The PARLIAMENTS X _Commandements_

[79.] 1. Thou shalt have no other Gods but the LORDS
and COMMONS assembled at Westminster.

2. Thou shalt not make any Addresses to the King, nor
yeeld obedience to any of his Commands; neither shalt thou
weare any Image either of him or his Posterity; thou shalt
not bow down unto him, nor Worship him, for Wee are jealous
Gods, and will visite such sinnes unto the third and fourth
Generation of them that hate us, and will not observe our
Votes, Orders, and Ordinances.

3. Thou shalt not take the Names of Us, your GODS in
vaine, for we cannot hold you guiltlesse that take our Names
in vaine.

4. Remember that thou keep holy the Fast Day, for that
is Our Sabbath; in it thou shalt doe no manner of Work, for
we have blessed that Day, and hallowed it.

5. Thou shalt neither yeeld Honor nor Obedience to the
King (thy Countries Father) or thy Naturall Father or Mother,
so Wee will make thy dayes long in the lands which we shall
take from the ungodly and wicked ones, to bestow upon thee.

6. Thou shalt Remove the Wicked One from his Throne,
and his Posterity from off the face of the Earth.

7. Thou shalt edify the Sisters, and abundantly increase
and multiply the Saints.

8. Thou shalt get all thou canst; part from nothing; doe
no right, take no rong, neither pay any Debts.

9. Thou shalt be a Witness for us, against whomsoever we
judge to be Wicked, that so We may cut them off, that the
Saints may enjoy abundance of all things.

10. Thou shalt enjoy thy Neighbours House, his Wife, his
Servant, his Maid, his Oxe, or his Asse, or any thing that
belongs unto him; Provided he first be Voted (by US) to be
a wicked or ungodly Person.

All these Commandements Wee require you, and every of you
with all diligence to observe; and We your LORDS and GODS will
incline your hearts to keepe the Same.

The Parliaments PATER NOSTER.

Our Fathers, which think your Houses of Parliament to be heaven; you would be honoured as GODS, because CHARLES his Kingdome is come unto you; your wills must be done on earth, as unto the God of heaven; you have gotten the day, and dispose of our daily bread; you will not forgive any, neither must you look to be forgiven; you lead us into rebellion and all other mischiefs, but cannot deliver us from evil. Yours is the Kingdom, the power and glory, Parliament everlasting. _Amen_.

The ARTICLES of the FAITH.

I Beleeve in CROMWELL, the Father of all Schisme, Sedition, Heresy and Rebellion, and in his onely Son _Ireton_, our Saviour, begotten by the Spirit in a hole, borne of a winching Mare, suffered under a house of Office at _Brainford_, he deserves to be drawn, hang'd and quartered, and to remain unburied: for he descended into _Hull_, the third day he rose up in Rebellion against his KING, and now sitteth at the right hand of the gods at Westminster. He beleeves there is no Holy Ghost, nor Catholique Church, nor forgiveness of sins, but the Communion of the Sisters, the resurrection of his Members, and Parliament everlasting. AMEN.

_Ordered._--That these new Commandements, Pater Noster,
and Creed be read in all Parish Churches and Congregations,
throughout England and Wales.

One told a Principal [12.]
That some Rogues of his Hall
Had abus'd him late in his Stall;
I desire some redress
And you can do no less,
'Cause of 'em you are the Principal.

The Miser mump'd of his Gold.

or

The merry Frolick of a Lady of Pleasure in _Bartholomew_ Fair; shewing how she fed the Usurer with Pig, but made him pay for the Sawce.

To the Tune of _Let Cæsar live long_.

_Licensed according to order._

A Lady of Pleasure in Bartholomew Fair. [80.]
Was powder'd and painted, nay drest in her Hair;
In such rich Apparel she then did appear,
As if her Estate was ten thousand a Year:
_Of each huffing[F. 132] Gallant she would make an Ass_,
_She fed them with Pig, but they paid for the Sawce_.

Among all the rest I will mention but one,
A Miser, who is in fair London well known;
Yet I will forbear now to mention his Name,
Because I am willing to keep free from blame:
_Of this wretched Miser she made a meer Ass_
_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

Tis known this old Miser he seldom did eat
From Years-end to Years end a meal of good meat;
Except it was given him freely, and then
He would eat as much as five labouring Men:
_He hapn'd to meet with this beautiful Lass_
_Who fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

It hapn'd this Miser went over the Rounds[F. 133]
And under his Arm he had seven score Pounds:
The which he was going that Morning to lend:
This Lady she met him, and said My dear Friend
_Your former good Nature lays claim to a Glass:_
_She found Wine and Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

The Miser he told here he dare not drink Wine
Nor any such liquors until he had Din'd:
Quoth she, since we here did so luckily meet,
I now am resolved to give thee a treat:
_Away to her chamber they straightways did pass_,
_She fed him with pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

A Dinner she straightways provided with speed,
The Miser he like an old Farmer did feed;
Concluding that he should have nothing to pay,
But to eat and drink, aye, and so go his way;
_The Lady supply'd him with Glass after Glass_,
_She found him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

This Lady supply'd him with Liquor good store,
Till he was not able to drink any more;
Full bowls of Canary he had drank so deep,
That all of a sudden he fell fast asleep:
_Thus of this Old Miser she made a meer Ass_,
_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

She shook him, and finding that he would not wake,
The Sevenscore Pound she did presently take;
Then locking the Miser up in an old Chest,
This brings me, in short, to the Cream of the Jest:
_Thus her waggish purpose was soon brought to pass_,
_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_,

Now he having told her before where he dwelt,
In this subtle manner she cunningly dealt;
Straight calling a Porter to finish this strife,
The Miser she sent in a Chest to his Wife:
_Without e're a Penny in Silver, alas!_
_Thus she fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

This Lady she gave him two Shillings at first,
And bade him be sure he was true to his Trust;
Now for to deliver his Burthen with Care,
For why, I must tell you it is Merchant's Ware:
_And thus the poor Miser was made a meer Ass_,
_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

Now just as the Porter came to his own Door,
The Miser awak'd, and loudly did roar;
The honest poor Porter was frighten'd, alack!
Supposing that he had Old Nick at his back:
_But it was the wretched Old Miser, alas!_
_Who was fed with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

The Wife she was frighten'd this Wretch to behold,
The Miser stark-mad for his Silver and Gold;
But all was in vain, tho' he search'd _Smithfield_ round,
The Lady of Pleasure was not to be found:
_Thus of an Old Miser she made a meer Ass_,
_She gave him roast Pig, but he paid for his Sawce_.

[Footnote 132: Swaggering.]

[Footnote 133: Had been collecting money.]

[77.] In the Country where the Queenes Plaiers were accepted into a Gentleman's house, the waggon unloading of the apparell, the Wagoner comes to _Tarlton_ & doth desire him to speake to the Steward for his horses. I will saies he: & comming to the Steward, Sir, saies _Tarlton_, where shall our horses spend the time? The Gentleman looking at _Tarlton_ at that question, suddenly answered, If it please you, or them, let them walke a turne or two, or there is a faire garden, let them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley: and departs thence about his other businesse. _Tarlton_ commending the sudden wit of the Steward, saith little. But my Steward, not quiet, tels to the Gentlewomen above, how he had driven _Tarlton_ to a _non plus_ with a jest, whereat they all did laugh heartily: which a Serving man loving _Tarlton_ well, ranne and told him as much. _Tarlton_, to adde fuell to the fire, and loth to rest thus put off with a jest, goes away and gets two of the horses into the Garden, & turnes them into the bowling Alley, who with their heeles made havocke: being the Gentleman's only pastime. The Ladies above from a window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley call the Knight, who cries out to _Tarlton_, Fellow, what meanest thou? Nothing, Sir, saies he, but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of Provender; a foolish match that I made. Now they being in play at bowles, run, run, your Steward may come after and cry rub, rub: at which, though they smiled, yet the Steward had no thankes for his labour, to set the horses to such an exercise, & they could not blame _Tarlton_, who did but as he was bidden. But by this Jest, oates and hay, stable room and all, was plenty.

Fast bind, fast find: my Bible was well bound; [81.]
A Thiefe came fast, and loose my Bible found:
Was't bound and loose at once? how can that be?
'Twas loose for him, although 'twas bound for me.

[78.] One sayd a prodigall was like a brush that spent it self to make others goe handsome in their Cloathes.

[61.] A little crooked Gentleman had lately taken a very fair house to dwell in, and having nobly furnished it, he invites a friend of his who was a very merry man to see it, and to judge of his bargaine: the Gentleman asked him what rent he paid? The Crooked man answered him, that he gave an hundred pounds for a fine, and fifty pounds a year. Quoth his friend, I do not like your bargain. No! quoth the crooked Man, I am told that it is a very good penny worth. I am not of their mind, replyed his friend, for would any man be so mad to give fifty pounds a year for a house, that he cannot stand upright in. So they both laught, and went to dinner.

Mistris _Marina_ 'mongst some gossips sate, [5.]
Where faces were the Subject of their Chat;
Some look'd too pale, some seem'd too fiery red,
Some brown, some black, and some ill fashioned.
Good Lord (quoth she) you all are much to blame,
Let's alone, and praise the maker of the same:
Her Chamber maid, who heard her, standing by,
Said, then love me, for that you know was I.

[82.] Myselfe caried an old fellow by water, that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward, and wit sufficient for a Scavenger; the water being somewhat rough, hee was much afraid, and (in stead of saying his prayers) he threatened me, that if I did drowne him, hee would spend a hundred pound, but hee would see me hanged for it; I desired him to be quiet and feare nothing, and so in little space I landed him at the Beares Colledge on the Bank-side,[F. 134] (alias Paris Garden.) Well (said he) I am glad I am off the water, for if the Boat had miscarried, I could have swum no more than a Goose.

[Footnote 134: Paris Garden, Southwark, was a famous place for
bear-baiting and other sports.]

One Goodman _Strong_ [12.]
Said his Wife did long,
And what was it for but Mackrill?
But he told him no,
It must not be so,
She's well now, and that will make her ill.

[17.] There were three Brothers named _Buck_, and having venison, made three Pasties; and one of those who were invited was nam'd _Cooke_, and thinking to play upon the Brothers, said, Here is _Buck_, _Buck_, _Buck_. True, says one of the Brothers, _Buck_ is good meat, but what says the Proverb; _God sends meat, and the Devil sends Cooks_.

[4.] A Fool being very sick, and like to dye, one that went to see him, went to comfort him, bidding him Chear up. _For if you dye_, says he, _four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church_: _Ay but_, quoth he, _I had rather by half go thither myself_.

THE WELSHMAN'S PRAISE OF WALES.

I's not come here to tauke of _Prute_, [83.]
From whence the _Welse_ does take her Root;
Nor tell long Pedigree of Prince _Camber_,
Whose Linage would fill full a Shamber;
Nor sing the Deeds of old Saint _Davy_,
The Ursip of which would fill a Navy;
But hark ye now for a liddel Tales
Sal make great deal to the Credit of _Wales_:
For hur will tudge your Ears,
With the Praise of hur Thirteen Seeres,
And make you as Clad and Merry,
As Fourteen Pot of Perry.

'Tis true was wear him _Shirkin Frieze_,
But what is that? we have store of Sheize;

And Got is plenty of Coates Milk,
That sell him well, will buy him silk
Enough to make him fine to Quarrel,
At _Hereford Sizes_ in new _Apparel_.
And get him as much Melmet perhap
Sall give it a Face to his _Monmouth Cap_.
But then the Ore of _Lemster_,
By Cot is Uver a Sempster;
That when he is Spun or Did
Yet match him with her Thrid.

And this the Backs now, let us tell ye
Of some Provisions for the Belly;
As _Cid_ and _Gote_ and great _Gote's Mother_,
And _Runt_ and _Cow_ and great _Cow's Uther_:
And once but taste on the _Welse Mutton_,
Your _Engliss Seeps_ not worth a Button;
Then for your _Fisse_, shall shoose it your Dish,
Look but about, and there's a _Trout_,
A Salmon, Cor or Chevin,
Will feed you Six or Seven,
As taull Men as e'er Swagger
With _Welse Club_ and long _Dagger_.

But all this while was never think
A word in praise of our _Welse_ Drink;
Yet for aull that, is a Cup of _Bragat_,
Aull _England_ Seer may cast his Cap at;
And what you say to _Ale_ of _Webley_,
Toudge him as well, you'll praise him Trebley.
As well as _Metheglin_, or _Sider_, or _Meath_
Sall sake it your Dagger quite out o' the Seath.
And _Oate Cake_ of _Guarthenion_,
With a goodly Leek or Onion,
To give as sweet a rellis,
As e'er did Harper _Ellis_.

And yet is nothing now all this,
If of our Musicks we do miss;
With _Harp_ and _Pipes_ too and the _Croud_
Must aull come in and tauk aloud.
As loud as _Bangu_, _Davy's_ Bell,
Of which is no doubt you have hear tell,
As well as our louder _Wrexam_ Organ,
Or rumbling Rocks in the Seer of _Glamorgan_,
Where look you but in the Ground here,
And you sall see a Sound there,
That put her all togedder,
Is sweet as Measure Pedder.

[52.] In Barnet was a young woman, that when her husband lay a dying, sorrowed out of measure, for feare that shee should lose him. Her father came to her, desiring her to be contented: for he had provided her another husband, a far more handsome man. But she did not onely continue in her sorrow, but was also greatly displeased, that her father made any motion to her of any other husband. As soone as her other husband was buried and the Sermon was done, and they were at supper, between sobbing and weeping, shee rounded her father in the eare, and said, Father, where is the young man that you told me should bee my husband? for very shortly I purpose to be maried. At which her father suddenly fell a laughing.

[82.] A Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing, and many times when he had lost all his money, then hee would pawne his cloake, and so goe home without either cloak or coyne, which grieved the Lady his Mother very much: for remedy whereof, she caused all his doublets (of what stuffe so ever) to be made with canvasse painted backes, whereon were fashioned two fooles, which caused the Gentleman ever after to keepe his cloake on his backe, for feare two of the three should be discovered.

I was took by a fly, [12.]
Says a Fish; but I deny
That, for had he not took the fly
At first in his mouth,
He had not, in truth,
Then have been tost up so high.

[52.] There was an unthrift in London, that had received of a Merchant certain Wares, which came to fifty pounds, to pay at three moneths; and at three moneths. But when he had it he consumed and spent it all: so that at the six moneths end there was not any left to pay the Merchant: Wherefore the Merchant arrested him. When he saw there was no other remedy, but either to pay the debt, or go to prison, he sent to a subtill Lawyer, and asked his Counsell how he might clear himself of that debt. What wilt thou give me, (quoth he) if I do? Five marks (quoth the other) and here it is: and as soon as you have done, you shall have it. Well, said the Lawyer, but thou must be ruled by my counsell, and do thus: When thou commest before the Judge, whatsoever he saith unto thee, answer thou nothing, but cry Bea, still, and let me alone with the rest. So when he came before the Judge, he said to the Debter, Dost thou owe this Merchant so much money? Bea (quoth he). What, beast? (quoth he) answer to that I aske thee. Bea (quoth he again.) Why, how now? quoth the Judge, I think this fellow hath gotten a sheeps tongue in his head: for he answereth in the sheeps language. Why, Sir, quoth the Lawyer, do you think this Merchant that is so wise a man, would be so foolish, as to trust this Ideot with fifty pounds worth of ware, that can speak never a word? No, Sir, I warrant you--And he persuaded the Judge to cast the Merchant in his own suit. And so the Judge departed, and the Court brake up. Then the Lawyer came to his Client, and asked him his Money, since his promise was performed, and his debt discharged. Bea (quoth he.) Why, thou needs't not cry Bea any longer, but pay me my money. Bea, (quoth he again). Why thou wilt not serve me so, I hope, (quoth the Lawyer) now I have used thee so kindly? But nothing but Bea could Master Lawyer get for his paines, and so was faine to depart with a flea in his eare.

_Dolens_ doth shew his purse, and tels you this, [5.]
It is more horrid than a Pest-house is;
For in a Pest-house many mortals enter,
But in his purse, one angell dares not venture.

[61.] An old merry Parson that lived in the old merry dayes, being a little purblined by being a very good fellow that would alwayes pay his Clubb,[F. 135] having sat up late on the Satterday night, was a little unfitted in his eyes to read right the next morning; turned to a Chapter in _Exodus_, the beginning of the Chapter began thus, _And God told Moses_ &c, but, his eyes failing him, like a true Clubber he read thus, _And the Lord told Noses_[F. 136] &c--

[Footnote 135: _i.e._ His share of the liquor consumed.]

[Footnote 136: Counted heads, so that all should pay their due
proportion.]

[78.] Two Gentlemen talking in latin, in the presence of a woman, she grew jealous that they spake of her, and desired them to speake english that she might answer them, for she said she was perswaded when men spake latin, although they spake but two words, that still one of them was naught: where upon one of the Gentlemen sayd presently, _Bona mulier_,[F. 137] she replyed, I know _bona_ is good, but I'le warrant ye the other word meanes something that's nought.

[Footnote 137: _Good woman._]

The

Young-Man & Maidens Forecast;

shewing how

They Reckon'd their _Chickens_ before they were Hatcht.

To the Tune of, _The Country Farmer_, Or _The Devonshire Damosels_.

This may be Printed R. P.

I'll tell you a Jest of a Provident Lass, [84.]
Whose Providence prov'd her a Provident Ass;
She laid forth her store in such brittle Ware,
That very small profit did fall to her share;
Thirteen to the Dozen of Eggs she would buy,
And set a Hen over them carefully;
As long as she went her footing she watch'd,
She counted her Chickens before they were Hatch'd.

Said she, if these Chickens five Capons do prove,
Capons be Meat which Gentlemen love;
Those Chickens she would sell to buy a Sow-Pig,
That it might have young ones e're it was big;
Then with her Pigs she would have an Ewe,
It may have Lambs not kill'd with the Dew;
And, as she was thinking to buy her a Calf,
Her Heels they flew from her a Yard and a half.

Her Heels kiss'd the ground, and up flew her Leggs,
Down came her Basket, and broke all her Eggs;
There lay her Pigs, her Chickens, her Lambs,
She could not have young ones unless she had Dams;
Thus Fortune did frown by a fall that she catcht,
Her Chickens prov'd Addle, before they were Hatcht:
Attend but a while, and I'le briefly declare,
Bad fortune did likewise fall to the Man's share.

And now the Man to the Market will go,
To see what Dame Nature on him will bestow;
He bought him five Eggs, thinking to Thrive,
And thus did the business finely contrive;
Said he, if these Eggs five Cocks they will frame,
And most of them prove to be Cocks of the Game,
So soon as their Spurs are long enough grown,
Then I may ingross a Cock Pit of my own.

Then may I have Gallants of every sort,
Both Lords, Knights and Squires, and all to see sport,
If they Fight bravely these Gallants to please,
I may come to get Means by the rearing of these:
And when I have done, I'll get me a rich Wife,
That I may live happy all days of my Life;
And in the Church we will be loving matcht,
But count not your Chickens before they are Hatcht.

And when he came home he set his Eggs by,
He could not get up, the Roost was so high;
But fetching a Ladder, that unhappy time,
It was his hard luck with his Eggs for to Climb;
These Ladders prove fatal to many a Man,
And are undone by them now and then;
So was this poor Man undone by a Fall,
Down comes the Basket, Man, Eggs and all.

There lay the poor Man with a fall almost Lame,
His Cock-Pits and Gallants, and Cocks of the Game;
The loosing of this grieved him to the Life,
Yet the grief it was more in the loss of his Wife;
All you young Men live vertuous Lives,
And think to get Portions now by your Wives;
Take warning by me before you are Matcht,
_Pray count not your Chickens before they be Hatcht_.

FINIS.

Printed for _P. Brooksby_ at the _Golden Ball_ in _Pye Corner_ near _West Smithfield_.

[17.] In _Ireland_, a Bag-piper coming for _England_ with his Snapsack on his shoulder, as he sate at dinner in a wood, three Wolves began to accost him; then he threw one bread, and another meat, and still they crept nearer to him; Upon which, being afraid, he took his bagpipes and began to play, at which noise the Wolves all ran away: A pox take you, says he, If I had known you had loved Musick so well, you should have had it before dinner.

[26.] A man was condemned the last Sessions to be hang'd for a Robbery; but before and after he was condemned, his careful, dear, and loving wife bid him take no care; for she had took care that he should not die; which made the man live more dissolutely than he would have done, but for his wife's confidence; which Confidence she continued to him till the night before he was to be hang'd; and then she came to him and told him, That all the great Promises made to her were come to nothing; for she could not procure him a Pardon by any means whatever; which put the poor man into such a Grief and Trembling that he was scarce himself. Come, husband, says she, take Heart, for though I cannot get you a Pardon, yet I'll tell you what I'll do for you; I will make you an excellent Cawdle tonight, which will make you sleep well, and another to morrow morning to comfort up your heart before you are hang'd: for truly I believe it troubles you as well as me, that I could not get your pardon; therefore pass it by this once; but if ever you come to be hang'd again, I'll warrant you, I'll get you pardon.

Says a man nam'd _John_, [12.]
In every place the Sun
Does rise every Morning soon;
'Tis not so, in every place,
For my Son t' his disgrace,
Never rises till the Afternoon.

[52.] A Gentleman of Norfolk, as he was riding towards London in the Winter time, and sitting by the fire side with his Host, untill supper could be made ready, there happened a Rabbit to be at the fire a rosting, which the Gentleman perceived to bee very leane, as he thought. Quoth he unto his Host, We have Rabbits in our Country, that one will drip a pottle, and baste itselfe. The In-keeper wondred with himselfe, and did think it to be a lie, but would not say so, for manners sake, and because he was his guest: but, thinking to requite him, Now truely, quoth he, it is very strange: but I can tell you of as strange a thing as that: Which the Gentleman was desirous to heare. Quoth he, I had as fine a Grayhound as any was in England: and if I had happened to goe abroad to my grounds, the Grayhound would alway go with me. And sometime there would start out a Hare before me, which my Grayhound would quickly catch. It fortuned that my dogge died, and for very love that I bare to him, I made me a bottle of his skin, to carry drinke withall, So, one time in hay harvest, my folkes being making of hay in my grounds, and the weather being hot, I filled my bottle with Beere, to carry to them, lest they should lack drink. And as I was going along, there starts a Hare out of a bush before me: and as it was my custome, I cryed, Now, now, now. My bottle leaping from my girdle, ran and catcht the Hare. What, (quoth the Gentleman) me thinks that should be a lie. Truly sir, said the In-keeper, so did I think yours was. The Gentleman perceiving that he was requited for his kindnesse, held himselfe contented.

_Jack_ drink away [85.]
Thou hast lost a whole Minute,
Hang Wenches and Play;
There's no pleasure in it.
Faith take t'other glass
Though the Nights old and grey,
We may all have a pass
To the Grave before day.
And in the cold forsaken Grave,
There's no drink, _Jack_, no drink,
No wine nor women, can we have:
No Company but Worms that stinck.
Then name thy own health and begin it.

[86.] The beginning of our late unnaturall broyles, was, among other causes imputed chiefly to the imposition of Ship-money, for which Mr _Hambden_ was condemned in the Exchequer in a penall Sume by the consent of ten of the judges, who gave their opinion that that Taxe was legal, only Judge _Hutton_, and Judge _Crook_ declared against it, so that a stop was put to the levying of it, whereupon a Countryman, no friend to the prerogative, said Wittily, The King may get Ship-money by _Hooke_, but not by _Crook_; but since that time other taxes ten times heavyer have been taken from us by _Hook_ and _Crook_ together.

[17.] A Country Farmer being sick, he and his Wife came to a Doctor, who advised him to drink Asses Milk and Sugar every morning, but if you can get no Asses milk come to me and I'll help you to some: says his Wife to him, pray _do you think that the Doctor gives suck?_

[61.] There was a Gentleman whose onely study and practice was Manhood, as football playing, Wrastling, Pitching the ball, throwing of Weights, Riding, and Fencing, in which active practises he was so perfect, that he over match'd all men that came neer him, insomuch, that he was the Glory of the _West of England_, and he was the Conqueror of all men that came to him, and grew froward that he could not find any man fit to match him, but it happened that one day after hunting, at a drinking Match in an Ale house, by chance he met a _North Countryman_ who was highly extolling a great Gamester like himself in the _North_, who performed all exercises that were manly, and a person that was an over commer of all that durst engage him. The _Western_ Gentleman desired his name and habitation, which was soon told him. But when he heard it, he was impatient of further delay, and therefore in order for a Journey to him he provided himself of all conveniences, and rid into the North, where with little enquiry he found the Gentleman's house, and knocking at the gate, he was informed by a Servant that his Master was in his Parke a mile off. The Traveller returned thanks, and with his Horse in his hand (guided by the Servants direction) he went to him, where he found him mending of a pale. Now take notice that this _North Country_ Gentleman was a very stout man, but of very few words; and the _Western_ Gentleman of as many, who thus began to accost him: Sir, I have intelligence that you are the stoutest man in all the _North_, and I am as highly reputed in the _West_, which hath provoked me to find you out, that we may trye both our strength and our skill, so far that fortune and time may Crown one of us, the only glorious man in _England_. The _North_ Countryman was still at his worke: but heard distinctly all that he said: but returned no answer, onely when the other had ended speaking, and expected a reply the _North_ Countryman comes fairly to him, puts his hand under his twist,[F. 138] and pitcheth him over the Park pales; the _West_ Country man seeing him do that so easily, began to think there was no contending with him, and therefore very civilly, with his Hat in his hand, gave him a return in these words, I thank you, Sir, heartily. Pray throw my Horse over too.

[Footnote 138: Cotgrave says "twist" answers to the French
"fourchure," a fork, or division, _i.e._ he caught hold of him
between his legs.]

Be not wroth _Cotta_, that I not salute thee, [5.]
I us'd it whilst I worthy did repute thee;
Now thou art made a painted Saint, and I,
_Cotta_, will not commit Idolatry.

[4.] A Lusty young Man in _Somersetshire_, after he had been Married about four Months, grew very Lean and Feeble, so that he cou'd hardly crawl a long; He, one day, seeing a Butcher run over a Plough'd Field after a Mad Bull, ask'd him the reason of it. Why, says the Butcher it is to Tame him: O, says the Fellow, Let him be Married, let him be Married; if that don't Tame him, I'll be hang'd.

The Scolding WIFE.

To a pleasant New Tune.

There was a young man for lucre of gain [87.]
he lov'd a Widow well,
His friends did tell him often and plain,
in scolding she did excel.