Chapter XXVII: Part X: Personal Matters (2)

2752. Ladies should have their cards enameled, but, for obvious reasons, the name plain and distinct, so as to catch the eye at once.

2753. When a man marries, it is understood that all former acquaintanceship ends, unless he intimate a desire to renew it, by sending you his own and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, if distant.

2754. If this be neglected, be sure no further intercourse is desired.

2755. In the first place: A bachelor is seldom very particular in the selection of his companions. So long as he is amused, he will associate freely enough with those whose morals and habits would point them out as highly dangerous persons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic life.

2756. Secondly. A married man has the tastes of another to consult; and the friends of the husband may not be equally acceptable to the wife.

2757. Besides, newly-married people may wish to limit the circle of their friends, from commendable motives of economy.

2758. When a man first "_sets up_" in the world, the burden of an extensive and indiscriminate acquaintance may be felt in various ways.

2759. Many have had cause to regret the weakness of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex of gayety and expense they could ill afford, from which they have found it difficult to extricate themselves, and the effects of which have proved a serious evil to them in after life.

2760. When a man is about to be married, he usually gives a dinner to his bachelor friends; which is understood to be their congé unless he choose to renew their acquaintance.

2761. _Wedding-rings._--The custom of wearing wedding-rings appears to have taken its rise among the Romans.

2762. Before the celebration of their nuptials, there was a meeting of friends at the house of the lady's father to settle articles of the marriage contract, when it was agreed that the dowry should be paid down on the wedding-day or soon after.

2763. On this occasion, there was commonly a feast, at the conclusion of which the man gave to the woman as a pledge, a ring, which she put on the fourth finger of her left hand, _because it was believed that a nerve reached thence to the heart_, and a day was then named for the marriage.

2764. _Wedding cakes._--Four pounds of fine flour, well dried, four pounds of fresh butter, two pounds of loaf sugar, a quarter of a pound of mace pounded and sifted fine, the same of nutmegs.

2765. To every pound of flour add eight eggs; wash four pounds of currants; let them be well picked and dried before the fire; blanch a pound of sweet almonds, and cut them lengthwise very thin; a pound of citron, one pound of candied orange, the same of candied lemon; half a pint of brandy.

2766. When these are made ready, work the butter with your hand to a cream, then beat in your sugar, a quarter of an hour, beat the whites of your eggs to a very strong froth; mix them with your sugar and butter; beat your eggs half an hour at least, and mix them with your cake; then put in your flour, mace and nutmeg; keep beating it well till your oven is ready--pour in the brandy, and beat the currants and almonds lightly in.

2767. Tie three sheets of white paper round the bottom of your hoop to keep it from running out; rub it well with butter, put in your cake, lay the sweetmeats in layers, with cake between each layer, and after it is risen and colored, cover it with paper before your oven is stopped up; it will require three hours to bake properly.

2768. _Almond Icing for Wedding Cake._--Beat the whites of three eggs to a strong froth; beat a pint of Jordan almonds very fine with rose-water; mix them, with the eggs, lightly together; put in by degrees a pound of common loaf sugar in powder.

2769. When the cake is baked enough, take it out, and lay it on the icing; then put it in to brown.

2770. _After Marriage._--The power of a wife for good or evil, is irresistible. Home must be the seat of happiness, or it must be for ever unknown.

2771. A good wife is to a man, wisdom and courage, and strength and endurance.

2772. A bad wife is confusion, weakness, discomfiture, and despair.

2773. No condition is hopeless where the wife possesses firmness, decision, and economy.

2774. There is no outward prosperity which can counteract indolence, extravagance, and folly at home. No spirit can long endure bad domestic influence.

2775. Man is strong, but his heart is not adamant. He delights in enterprise and action; but to sustain him he needs a tranquil mind, and a whole heart. He needs his moral force in the conflicts of the world.

2776. To recover his equanimity and composure, home must be to him a place of repose, of peace, of cheerfulness, of comfort; and his soul renews its strength again, and goes forth with fresh vigor to encounter the labor and troubles of life.

2777. But if at home he finds no rest, and is there met with bad temper, sullenness, or gloom, or is assailed by discontent or complaint, hope vanishes, and he sinks into despair.

2778. A wife must learn, to form her husband's happiness, in what direction the secret lies; she must not cherish his weaknesses by working upon them; she must not rashly run counter to his prejudices; her motto must be, never to irritate.

2779. She must study never to draw largely on the small stock of patience in a man's nature, nor to increase his obstinacy by trying to drive him; never, never, if possible, to have scenes.

2780. We doubt much if a real quarrel, even made up, does not loosen the bond between man and wife, and sometimes, unless the affection of both be very sincere, lastingly.

2781. If irritation should occur, a woman must expect to hear from most men a strength and vehemence of language far more than the occasion requires. Mild, as well as stern men, are prone to this exaggeration of language; let not a woman be tempted to say any thing sarcastic or violent in retaliation. The bitterest repentance must needs follow if she do.

2782. Men frequently forget what they have said, but seldom what is uttered by their wives. They are grateful, too, for forbearance in such cases; for, whilst asserting most loudly that they are right, they are often conscious that they are wrong.

2783. Give a little time, as the greatest boon you can bestow, to the irritated feelings of your husband.

2784. It is astonishing how much the cheerfulness of a wife contributes to the happiness of home.

2785. She is the sun--the centre of a domestic system, and her children are like planets around her, reflecting her rays.

2786. How merry the little ones look when the mother is joyous and good-tempered; and how easily and pleasantly her household labors are overcome!

2787. _How to Treat a Wife._--First, get a wife; secondly, be patient.

2788. You may have great trials and perplexities in your business with the world, but do not carry to your home a clouded or contracted brow.

2789. Your wife may have had many trials, which, though of less magnitude, may have been as hard to bear.

2790. A kind, conciliating word, a tender look, will do wonders in chasing from her brow all clouds of gloom.

2791. You encounter difficulties in the open air, fanned by heaven's cool breezes; but your wife is often shut in from these healthful influences, and her health fails, and her spirits lose their elasticity.

2792. But oh! bear with her; she has trials and sorrows to which you are a stranger, but which your tenderness can deprive of all their anguish.

2793. Notice kindly her little attentions and efforts to promote your comfort.

2794. Do not treat her with indifference, if you would not sear and palsy her heart, which, watered by kindness, would, to the latest day of your existence, throb with sincere and constant affection.

2795. Sometimes yield your wishes to hers. She has preferences as strong as you, and it may be just as trying to yield her choice as to you.

2796. Do you find it hard to yield sometimes? Think you it is not difficult for her to give up always?

2797. If you never yield to her wishes, there is danger that she will think you are selfish, and care only for yourself, and with such feelings she can not love as she might.

2798. Again, show yourself manly, so that your wife can look up to you and feel that you will act nobly, and that she can confide in your judgment.

2799. You can hardly imagine how refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollection of your courting days.

2800. How tediously the hours rolled away prior to the appointed time of meeting; how swift they seemed to fly, when met; how fond was the first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent were your vows; how vivid your dreams of future happiness, when, returning to your home, you felt yourself secure in the confessed love of the object of your warm affections.

2801. Is your dream realized?--are you as happy as you expected?

2802. Why not? Consider whether as a husband you are as fervent and constant as you were when a lover.

2803. Remember that the wife's claims to your unremitting regard--great before marriage, are now exalted to a much higher degree.

2804. She has left the world for you--the home of her childhood, the fireside of her parents, their watchful care and sweet intercourse have all been yielded up for you.

2805. Look then most jealously upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and to weaken that union upon which your temporal happiness mainly depends; and believe that in the solemn relationship of husband is to be found one of the best guarantees for man's honor and happiness.

2806. When once a man has established a home, his most important duties have fairly begun.

2807. The errors of youth may be overlooked; want of purpose, and even of honor, in his earlier days, may be forgotten.

2808. But from the moment of his marriage he begins to write his indelible history; not by pen and ink, but by actions--by which he must ever afterward be reported and judged.

2809. His conduct at home; his solicitude for his family; the training of his children; his devotion to his wife; his regard for the interests of eternity, are his record.

2810. Seek to govern your own household by the display of high moral excellence.

2811. A domineering spirit--a fault-finding petulance--impatience of trifling delays--and the exhibition of unworthy passions at the slightest provocation, can add no laurel to your own "lordly" brow, impart no sweetness to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom you may be surrounded.

2812. It is one thing to be a _master_--another thing to be a _man_. The latter should be the husband's aspiration; for he who can not govern himself is ill-qualified to govern another.

OUR HOUSE.

2813. _If a young married couple_ intend to furnish a house, we say to them--Attend to these rules.

2814. Do not spend all your money, be it much or little. Do not let the beauty of this thing, and the cheapness of that, tempt you to buy unnecessary articles.

2815. Buy merely enough to get along with at first. It is only by experience that you can tell what will be the wants of your family.

2816. If you spend all your money, you will find you have purchased many things you do not want, and have no means left to get many things which you do want.

2817. If you have enough, and more than enough, to get every thing suitable to your situation, do not think you must spend it all, merely because you happen to have it.

2818. Begin humbly. As riches increase, it is easy and pleasant to increase in comforts; but it is always painful and inconvenient to decrease. After all, these things are viewed in their proper light by the truly judicious and respectable.

2819. Neatness, tastefulness, and good sense may be shown in the management of a small household, and the arrangement of a little furniture, as well as upon a larger scale; and these qualities are always praised, and always treated with respect and attention.

2820. The consideration which many purchase by living beyond their income, and, of course, living upon others, is not worth the trouble it costs.

2821. The glare there is about this false and wicked parade is deceptive: it does not, in fact, procure a man valuable friends, or extensive influence.

2822. _If the house is rented._--Before taking a house, be careful to calculate that the rent is not too high in proportion to your means; for remember that the rent is a claim which must be paid with but little delay, and that the landlord has greater power over your property than any other creditor.

2823. Having determined the amount of rent which you can afford to pay, be careful to select the best house which can be obtained for that sum. And in making that selection, let the following matters be carefully considered:

2824. First.--Carefully regard the healthfulness of the situation. Avoid the neighborhood of graveyards, and of factories giving forth unhealthy vapors; avoid low and damp districts, the course of canals, and localities of reservoirs of water, gas-works, &c.; make inquiries as to the drainage of the neighborhood, and inspect the drainage and water supply of the premises.

2825. A house standing on an incline is likely to be better drained than one standing upon the summit of a hill, or on a level below a hill.

2826. Endeavor to obtain a position where the direct sun-light falls upon the house, for this is absolutely necessary to health; and give preference to a house the openings of which are sheltered from the north and east winds.

2827. Second.--Consider the distance of the house from your place of occupation; and also its relation to provision markets, and the prices that prevail in the neighborhood.

2828. Having considered these material and leading features, examine the house in detail, carefully looking into its state of repair.

2829. Notice the windows that are broken; whether the chimneys smoke; whether they have been recently swept; whether the paper on the walls is damaged, especially in the lower parts, and the corners by the skirtings; whether the locks, bolts, handles of doors, and window-fastenings are in proper condition; make a list of the fixtures.

2830. Ascertain whether all rent and taxes were paid up by the previous tenant, and whether the party from whom you take the house is the original landlord, or his agent or tenant.

2831. And do not commit yourself by the signing of any agreement until you are satisfied upon all these points, _and see that all has been done which the landlord had undertaken_.

2832. _In the country_, the married couple usually go to a house of their own.

2833. _Our House!_--It is a phrase of great importance, and gives dignity to the newly married.

2834. _Society._--Social intercourse is necessary to our happiness and improvement.

2835. _Conversation_ is the medium by which social intercourse is maintained.

2836. Style in conversation is as important, and as capable of cultivation, as style in writing. The manner of saying things is what gives them their value.

2837. Avoid provincialisms in your language and pronunciation. Webster is the standard for pronouncing in the best society in the United States.

2838. Under favorable circumstances, and among persons who know how to train a conversation, there are few if any amusements more grateful to the human mind.

2839. The object of conversation is to entertain and amuse. To be agreeable you must learn to be a good listener. A man who monopolizes a conversation is a bore, no matter how great his knowledge.

2840. Never get into a dispute. State your opinions, but do not argue them.

2841. Do not contradict; and above all, never offend by correcting mistakes or inaccuracies of fact or expression.

2842. Never lose temper--never notice a slight--never seem conscious of an affront, unless it is of a gross character, and then punish it at once.

2843. You can never quarrel in the presence of ladies, but a personal indignity may be avenged _anywhere_.

2844. Never talk of people by hints, slurs, innuendos, and such mean devices. If you have any thing to say, out with it. Nothing charms more than candor, when united with good breeding.

2845. Do not call people by their names, in speaking to them. In speaking of your own children, never "Master" and "Miss" them--in speaking to other people of theirs, never neglect to do so.

2846. Be very careful in speaking of subjects upon which you are not acquainted.

2847. Much is to be learned by confessing your ignorance--nothing can be gained by pretending to knowledge which you do not possess.

2848. Never tell long stories. Avoid all common slang phrases and pet words.

2849. Of all things, don't attempt to be too fine. Use good honest English--and common words for common things.

2850. Good sense, sound and varied information, are as necessary as confidence, to enable a man to converse well.

2851. Every one knows something which he is willing to tell, and which any other that he is in company with wishes to know, or which if known to him, would be amusing or useful.

2852. To be a skillful conversationist, one's eyes and ears should be busy; nothing should escape his observation. His memory should be a good one, and he should have a good-natured willingness to please and to be pleased.

2853. Avoid a loud tone, particularly in speaking to ladies.

2854. By observing men of the world, you will perceive that their voices, as it were, involuntarily assume a softness as they address the sex; this is one of the most obvious proofs of an intimacy with good society.

2855. Never attempt to occupy the attention of a company for a long time; unless your conversation is very brilliant, it must become very tiresome.

2856. Be not partial to theorizing, or your conversation will assume the style of speech-making, which is intolerable.

2857. Badinage is pleasant, but it may be dangerous; stupid people may imagine you are ridiculing them, and the stupid are the most assiduous enemies.

2858. Abjure punning; it has been aptly designated "the wit of fools." Gentlemen never pun.

2859. A tattler is a most contemptible character, uniting in person either excessive ignorance, folly, and vanity, or the extremes of meanness, mischief and malignity.

2860. Women ordinarily slander more from vanity than vice--men, from jealousy than malignity.

2861. Without intending mischief, many persons do much by repeating conversations from one house to another.

2862. A man should never permit himself to lose his temper in society, nor show that he has taken offense at any supposed slight--it places him in a disadvantageous position--betraying an absence of self-respect, or at the least of self-possession.

2863. If, upon the entrance of a visitor, you continue a conversation begun before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer.

2864. There cannot be a custom more vulgar or offensive than that of taking a person aside to whisper in a room with company, yet this rudeness is of frequent occurrence--and that with persons who ought to know better.

2865. Questions upon that which does not immediately concern you, are impertinent.

2866. Be well read, for the sake of the general company and the ladies, in the literature of the day. You will, thereby, enlarge the regions of pleasurable talk. Besides, it is often necessary.

2867. Hazlitt, who had entertained an unfounded prejudice against Dickens's works when they were first written, confesses that at last he was obliged to read them, because he could not enter a mixed company without hearing them admired and quoted.

2868. Always avoid any thing like absence of mind. Some fops assume this, but it is silly and contemptible.

2869. In order to put everybody in the company at ease, we should adopt the manners and customs of those with whom we happen for the time to consort.

2870. People who, having traveled, adopt, as many do, foreign phraseology, idiom, or accent, are excessively vulgar.

2871. Be especially careful, in a mixed company, whom you satirize.

2872. Swearing, which formerly pervaded every rank of society, is now to be chiefly found in a very low and uninstructed class; it is, in fact, a vulgar and proscribed mode of speech.

2873. To those who are guilty of it, for these reasons it is only necessary to point out, that no well-informed person can be at the least loss, with the genuine words of the English language, to express all legitimate ideas and feelings; and that to use either profane or slang words is, at the least, the indication of a low taste and inferior understanding.

2874. Never presume to cultivate an over-familiarity of manner, which is always offensive; rather be reserved--even to your best friends. If you proceed with members of your family to a party, do not be seen talking with them.

2875. Try to make every one at their ease; and if you find other people are not so well bred as you could wish, take the will for the deed, and never show, nor attempt to show, your disgust at them.

2876. Try heartily to please everybody, and you will be pleased yourself; and, besides this, render yourself the most agreeable person in the room.

2877. Should you chance to be thrown into the company of what the man in the farce calls a real live lord, do not interlard your talk with "my lord," and "your lordship." Sir is sufficient, after once addressing him as "my lord," to show that you _are_ acquainted with his rank. Madam is to be used to a lady of title, to whom also the previous rule applies.

2878. There are many talkers, but few who know how to converse agreeably.

2879. Speak distinctly, neither too rapidly nor too slowly.

2880. Accommodate the pitch of your voice to the hearing of the person with whom you are conversing.

2881. Never speak with your mouth full.

2882. Tell your jokes and laugh afterward.

2883. Dispense with superfluous words--such as "Well, I should think."

2884. In society we sometimes meet opionated, selfish people, who fancy they know every thing, when in reality they know nothing!

2885. The real end of acquiring a polite manner is to make yourself pleasing, and your company acceptable to all. This must be done by little sacrifices--by curbing, if you be plagued with it, your desire to engross the conversation, or, on the contrary, breaking through your habitual taciturnity.

2886. The woman who wishes her conversation to be agreeable, will avoid conceit or affectation, and laughter which is not natural and spontaneous.

2887. Her language will be easy and unstudied, marked by a graceful carelessness, which, at the same time, never oversteps the limits of propriety.

2888. Her lips will readily yield to a pleasant smile; she will not love to hear herself talk; her tones will bear the impress of sincerity, and her eyes kindle with animation, as she speaks.

2889. The art of pleasing is, in truth, the very soul of good breeding; for the precise object of the latter is to render us agreeable to all with whom we associate; to make us, at the same time, esteemed and loved.

2890. We need scarcely advert to the rudeness of interrupting any one who is speaking, or to the impropriety of pushing, to its full extent, a discussion which has become unpleasant.

2891. Some men have a mania for Greek and Latin quotations; this is peculiarly to be avoided. It is like pulling up the stones from a tomb wherewith to kill the living. Nothing is more wearisome than pedantry.

2892. If you feel your intellectual superiority to any one with whom you are conversing, do not seek to bear him down; it would be an inglorious triumph, and a breach of good manners.

2893. Beware, too, of speaking lightly of subjects which bear a sacred character.

2894. Witlings occasionally gain a reputation in society; but nothing is more insipid and in worse taste than their conceited harangues and self-sufficient air.

2895. It is a common idea that the art of writing and the art of conversation are one; this is a great mistake. A man of genius may be a very dull talker.

2896. The two grand modes of making your conversation interesting, are to enliven it by recitals calculated to affect and impress your hearers, and to intersperse it with anecdotes and smart things.

2897. It follows that all matter of offense in conversation should be avoided. The self-love of others is to be respected.

2898. Therefore, no one is tolerated who makes himself the subject of his own commendation, nor who disregards the feelings of those whom he addresses.

2899. There is as much demand for politeness and civility in conversation as in any other department of social intercourse.

2900. One who rudely interrupts another, does much the same thing as though he should, when walking with another, impertinently thrust himself before his companion, and stop his progress.

2901. _Rules of Conduct._--The following excellent rules are from the diary of Mrs. Fry:--

2902. 1. Never lose any time; I do not think that lost which is spent in amusement or recreation, some time every day; but always be in the habit of being employed.

2903. 2. Never err the least in truth.

2904. 3. Never say any ill thing of a person when thou canst say a good thing of him; not only speak charitably, but feel so.

2905. 4. Never be irritable or unkind to any body.

2906. 5. Never indulge thyself in luxuries that are not necessary.

2907. 6. Do all things with consideration; and, when thy path to act right is most difficult, feel confidence in that Power alone which is able to assist thee, and exert thy own powers as far as they go.