Chapter VII: Act IV

THE SULTAN (_by telegraph_)—Your Majesty, would you be so good as to lend a poor fellow the price of a few American missionaries?

THE CZAR—God forbid! You must be more economical. Do you think I’m made of money?

SULTAN—But really——

CZAR—Yes, yes, I know. Your creditors are pressing you, and all that. And you’ll promptly repay the loan—in a Golden Horn. I’ve heard it before.

SULTAN—By the toe-nails of the Prophet! if I get not the money, that dog of darkness, the American President, will be after me with a sharp stick; and he’ll do, and he’ll do, and he’ll do! He has already delivered his ultimatum.

CZAR—What! Is it so serious as that? My poor friend, I am sorry for you. You are in for it, sure! In American diplomacy the ultimatum is a prophecy of doom; you will be talked to death!

SULTAN—Then lend me the money.

CZAR—It is decreed otherwise. Kismet.

SULTAN—But what am I to do? Talked to death!—that is disagreeable.

CZAR—Build a mosque in which to pray that Heaven may put it into his heart to send a fleet to Constantinople and commute your punishment to bombardment.

SULTAN—May jackals whelp in his harem!—that is what he says he will do.

CZAR—Build two mosques.

FOR INTERVENTION

_President McKinley._ _Envoy Fischer._ _Secretary Gage._ _Voices._

PRESIDENT MCKINLEY—Well, Meinherr, what can we do for each other?

ENVOY FISCHER—Haf your Egcellenzy not vas inform of vhat I vants?

P. MCK.—My Secretary of State says you bear a petition for promoting missionary work in Africa, but he is a great diplomat and not always to be believed.

E. F.—Your Egcellenzy, I coom to ask for Amerigan onterventionings between der Soud Ofrigan Ropoobligs und der dom Preetish.

P. MCK.—Jeewhillikins!

E. F.—Vas?

P. MCK.—Did my Secretary of State know that? And he let you in?

E. F.—Yaw, your Egcellenzy.

P. MCK.—Well, I’ll be gam doodled!—pardon; I mean I’ll be delighted. We call it gam doodled.

E. F.—Yaw, I shbeak der Amerigan longvidge very goot meinself all der vhile somdimes yet.

P. MCK.—Beautifully.

E. F.—Der Soud Ofrigan Ropoobligs dey sooffer demselfs mooch. As your Segretary of Shtate he say, Gread Bridain she don’d do a teeng to us. Sheneral Yowbert——

P. MCK.—Zhoobair.

E. F.—Yowbert he is die of belly ache again, und Sheneral Cronje gif oop som more, und Sheneral Botha he droonk like a fittler’s——

P. MCK.—And larrups the soldiers with a slambangbok.

E. F.—Yaw, yaw, und Bresident Kruger he vas vun olt ladies, und der Preetish is aferyvheres, und Vebster Dafis don’d vas wort his monies, und——

P. MCK.—“Oond,” in short, you fellows are licked out of your boots.

E. F.—Vas?

P. MCK.—I was saying that, in the sympathetic judgment of this country, your admirable people are experiencing an unforeseen adversity.

E. F.—Lort Roperts haf onvaded our sagred soil und he vil nod led go.

P. MCK.—My great and good friend, pardon me, but didn’t your people begin that?

E. F.—We haf tvice unpology made, but Lort Soolsbury he vill not occept.

P. MCK.—How strange!

E. F.—Ve oppeals on der great und goot Yongee heart, vich lofes us. It vas vun grand receptions vich der Amerigan beobles vas gif us under Ny Yark som day!

P. MCK.—Yes, it was. I have here a list of names of the Reception Committee, which [_enter Secretary Gage_] I will read to you. [_Reads_].

SECRETARY GAGE—Mr. President, may I ask if that list of names was copied from the books of the Commissioner of Immigration at Ellis Island?

P. MCK.—O, no: they are names of exponents of American public sentiment. They “received” this honest gentleman.

S. G. (_eyeing honest gentleman_)—Well, I fancy it would be more blessed to give him than receive.

E. F.—But, your Egcellenza, shall ve haf der onterventionings alreaty yet? I burn mit ombatience!

P. MCK. (_to servant_)—The gentleman burns. Put him out.

[_Exit Envoy Fischer, pursued._]

VOICES (_within_)—Hurrah! Hurrah for the Boer Republic!

P. MCK.—There must be an unusual number of Congressmen in the waiting room.

THE ORDEAL

_An Historian._ _Clio._

HISTORIAN (_writing_)—“The Yanko-Spanko war was brief, but very destructive. In the two or three months that it lasted the Americans had more than three thousand soldiers and a half-dozen sailors killed by the Spaniards and—”

CLIO—Tut-tut! no romancing; less than three hundred were killed.

H. (_writing_)—“Their own officers. Armed with repeating incompetences, the latter were indeed formidable.”

Did you speak?

C.—No.

H. (_writing_)—“An effort was made to hold the commanding officers of the expeditionary forces responsible for the mortality among their troops, but ended in failure, for it could not be determined who was in command.”

Clio, dear, who was in command at Santiago?

C.—First Linares, then Toral.

H.—I mean, who commanded the Americans.

C.—I don’t know.

H.—What are you the Muse of History for if you don’t know such a thing as that?

C.—Ask me who really built the Great Pyramid, and why. Ask me who wrote the “Junius” letters. Ask me who was the Man in the Iron Mask. Ask me what Browning meant. Ask me anything in reason, but don’t ask me who commanded the American army in the Yanko-Spanko war. Settle it by turning a coin. You’ll be as likely to be right as wrong, and in History that will give good results. The historian who in the long run tells the truth half the time is a great historian.

H. (_turning coin_)—Head, Miles; tail, Shafter.

C.—Well?

H.—It is a smooth coin! (_Writes_) “The army before Santiago had no commander.”

FROSTING A BUD

_McKinley, President._ _Hay, Secretary of State._ _Mark Hanna,
Senator and Dictator Politicus._

MCKINLEY—John, I am greatly troubled.

HAY—Permit me to send for the head of the Bureau of Exculpation and Avoidance.

MCK.—Not to-day; it is another kind of matter.

H.—Ah, then; the Lord High Disheartener of the Importunate——

MCK.—No, no, John, it is about you.

H.—About me? Surely, you do not mean—you cannot think that another change in the Cabinet——

MCK.—May you be Secretary of State for a thousand years.

H.—Then speak it out. I have a heart for any fate except one.

MCK.—Well, it is this: I have not seen nor heard of anybody who seems to want you for Vice-President. Actually, your name has not been mentioned except by myself.

H.—And to whom were you pleased to mention it, if I may ask?

MCK.—To Senator Hanna.

H.—And am I worthy to know what he said?

MCK.—It will pain you, John. Mr. Hanna is a strong, coarse man who says what he thinks and never stops to think what he says.

H.—What did he say?

MCK.—That you would make a good running mate for a lame tortoise.

H.—Indeed!

MCK.—He added that you had been drowned by the British Ambassador in the Nicaragua Canal.

H.—Anything more?

MCK.—He said that you parted your beard on the Greenwich meridian.

H.—Yes.

MCK.—He said that if asininity had not been invented you would invent it.

[_Enter Mark Hanna. Exit, McKinley._]

MARK HANNA—Good-morning, Mr. Secretary.

H.—What is your business with me, sir?

M. H.—Why, John, I came to ask you if you would accept the nomination for Vice-President.

H.—After what you said to the President on that subject, sir——

M. H.—It has never been mentioned between us.

H.—Ho-o-o-wat!

[_Falls in a fit of shivers._]

M. H.—The gentleman appears to be indisposed. Guess he was struck by a draft from the Open Door.

A BAFFLED AMBITION

_McKinley, President._ _Roosevelt, Vice-President._ _Hay, Secretary
of State._ _Doorkeeper._

ROOSEVELT—Mr. President, I have come to consult with you about——

MCKINLEY—Why, yes, of course. I expect always to consult with the leading men of the party—you and the others.

R.—Others?

MCK.—In the great scheme of the universe Heaven has provided others.

R.—There are also snakes and flies, but we do not accord them a voice in the ordering of large affairs.

MCK.—There is my Cabinet.

R.—Nice chaps—they will, no doubt, be glad to carry out any policy that we may decide upon.

MCK.—Then I understand that in the guidance and direction of this administration you have the goodness to care to be the Whole Thing?

R.—You do me the greatest injustice (_lifting his eyes to the sky and reverently pointing in the same direction_). There is a greater than I.

MCK.—Have you any other news?

R.—I have read your message from start to finish.

MCK.—Indeed! And what do you think of it?

R.—The worst I ever! It does not at all express my views on the——

MCK.—The views expressed are supposed to be those of the President.

R.—The devil!

MCK.—I beg pardon. The President.

R.—But where do I come in?

MCK.—Into what? The White House? Where the cat does, I think. The other entrances are guarded.

R.—Look here, pardner, I mean to be a part of this administration.

MCK.—With that hat?

R.—What’s the matter with the hat?

MCK.—The head. [_Rings bell, enter Hay._] Mr. Secretary, this gentleman has the goodness to wish to resign and become a part of the administration. Is there a vacancy in the Cabinet?

HAY—You can easily make one, sir, by appointing him.

[_Exit Roosevelt, swearing._]

The Russian Ambassador has called to talk of a concerted movement on Peking, to rescue the besieged legations.

MCK.—Never mind that now—let us have peace.

[_Enter Doorkeeper, pale and agitated._]

DOORKEEPER—O, if you please, sir, the gentleman with the teeth!

MCK.—Well?

D.—He—he showed ’em!

MCK.—Well?

D.—He—he drawed a bowie knife! If you please, sir, I—I’d like another place.

MCK.—You are right, my good man. You shall be Minister to China.

THE GENESIS OF A NATION

_Hay, Secretary of State._ _Morgan, a Southern Senator._
_Telephone._

MORGAN—Mr. Secretary, I have startling and important news: the State of Panama has seceded from Colombia!

HAY—You don’t say so!—this is so sudden!

MOR.—Yes, sir, it is true.

HAY—Well, well! Who would have thought it?

MOR.—I trust, sir, this removes the last scruple that the Administration may have had against immediate construction of the Nicaraguan Canal. The war down there will——

HAY—War? Is there also a war?

MOR.—Sir, you astonish me! Am I to suppose that you do not know that secession entails war? I learned that more than forty years ago.

HAY—Dear me! Then we shall have to protect American interests. How do you think it would do to send word to our Consul at Colon to be duly vigilant in the matter? Or perhaps it would be better to have our Minister at Bogota notify Colombia that there must be no bloodshed.

MOR.—I think, if you want to know, that that would be taking the side of Panama.

HAY—We cannot, of course, do that: it would look like a violation of neutrality. Really, the situation is embarrassing. I wish those hot-headed southern Republics would be good.

MOR.—Well, sir, if you have nothing to propose, I shall speak of the matter in the Senate.

HAY—Oh, thank you so much. I promise you that we will await the conclusion of your remarks before taking any action in the Nicaraguan matter.

MOR. (_aside_)—Hoist with my own petard!

[_Exit Morgan; Hay goes to telephone._]

HAY—Hello! Give me the Secretary of the Navy.

TELEPHONE—Br-r-r-r-r-rrr.

HAY—That you, Moody? Have you sent those fifteen warships to the Isthmus?—and the two thousand marines? And have they orders that if any Colombian soldier set foot on the sacred soil of Panama they are to shoot him on the spot?

TEL.—Br-r-r-r-rzz—spot him on the snoot.

HAY—All right. I’ll draft a canal treaty with the Panaman Junta at once. The President has his ear to the ground and says that there is a pretty strong sentiment down there in favor of admittance into this Union. Truly this is a wonderful century.

TEL.—People are saying that we fomented this Panama rebellion.

HAY—Oh, Moody; how unjust!

A WHITE HOUSE IDYL

_President Roosevelt._ _Shonts, Engineer of the Panama Canal._
_Loeb, Private Secretary to the President._ _The Adversary of
Souls._ _The Press._