Chapter XII: My Correspondence

By this time my correspondence with gentlemen in all parts of America and Great Britain had got to be rather extended. I took from the post-office from ten to twenty-five or thirty letters, daily; and amongst them were some curious samples of orthography, etymology, syntax, and prosody. I offer the annexed specimens--of course without names or dates--merely to show how the young aspirants for fame (in the poultry-trade) felt, about those days; and, also, to give some idea of the progress of the fever among us, as time passed by, etc. etc.

No. 1.

SIR--MR. BURNHAM;

i red in Nu england poultry breeder that yu kep fouls an aigs for
sail. i want one duzen aigs if tha doant cum tu tu mutch. ime a
poor mann an carnt pa a gret pris. wot can yu cend me a duzen of
yure best aigs for. ansur by male and direck yure leter tu me tu
mi dress.

Yr Respec'y, &c.

---- ----.

No. 2.

MY DEAR SIR:

I am a poor clergyman, and I have some leisure, which I can devote
to raising a few good fowls. If your price is not too high for the
rather limited contents of my purse, please inform me, by return of
mail, what you can furnish me with _pure_ Cochin-China eggs for. I
am desirous to procure a few; and I prefer that you would select
for me,--in a half-dozen, say two _male_ and four _female_ eggs. I
suggest this, because I am informed that your long experience in
this interesting branch of rural economy has enabled you to decide
(upon examining them) whether eggs will produce cocks or pullets.
Your early answer will confer a favor on,

Sir, yours, truly,

---- -- ----.

No. 3.

MR. BURMAN:

I close you ten dolls. Cend me a doz. of your Cotchen Chiny eggs
rite away--cause I hav a hen thats been a setting on some stones I
put under her now most a week. You rote me that you would hav them
about this time, you know. Cend them by ----'s Express, and tell
the man who fetches them not to turn the box over, at all. I want
half and half--that is to say, half cock eggs, and half hen eggs.
You know what I mean by this. Them that has the sharp ends on to
one side--them's the cocks, and them that's round and smooth at
both ends--them's the hens. Forwud immediately, and mark _with care
glass this side up--don't shake this with speed_.

Yours, &c.

---- ----.

No. 4.

G.P. BURNHAM, ESQ.

DEAR SIR: I saw your beautiful Cochin-China fowls last week, in the
paper, and am desirous to obtain a few eggs from them, if possible.

Will they hatch under our common hens? Or, must we have the _pure_
bloods to sit upon them? I am a novice, somewhat, in this business.
I enclose you twelve dollars (the price for a dozen, I believe),
which please forward, at your early convenience, by express, and
oblige

Yours, &c.

---- -- ----.

No. 5.

FRIEND BURNHAM:

Enclosed please find ten dollars for another dozen of your _pure_
Cochin-China eggs. The first ones you sent me (from some cause)
did not hatch. I have kept a hen (a very good sitter, too) upon
that first lot, _constantly_, for four weeks, now--and I don't
believe I shall get a chick, you see! So, please forward these now,
_right away_--because my hen will get tired of waiting, you know,
if I don't keep her right along, steady. The $10 you will find
within.

Yours, resp'y,

---- ----.

P.S. Can you inform me what is good for _lice_ on fowls? I find
that my hen is covered with a million of them, now. Don't forget
this, please.[1]

No. 6.

SUR--wen i cum to boston nex weak i want to see yure poltry i am a
ole hand at the bizness myself an I like to see good kinds of
poltry every ware. i see yurn in the paper an i like them verry
much can yu sel a hen without a cock, i have sevral cocks now of
the _black dawkin_ pure bred and fine an i would change one of them
with yu for a cochon chiner hen if yu say so. answer by fust male.

Yure in haist

---- ----.

Mr. P.G. Barnum,}
boston.}

No. 7.

DEAR SIR: Yours duly received. I did not suppose that the price of
the "Cochins" was so high--but I must have a trio of them, at _any_
figure. I enclose you fifty dollars for them, agreeably with your
proposal, relying upon your known good taste in selections, and
upon your proverbial reputation as regards the keeping only of
_pure_ stock. Send them by Adams & Co.'s Express, in a roomy cage.
If they are prime, my neighbors will very shortly order from you, I
am sure.

Yours, resp'y,

---- -- ----.

No. 8.

MR. BARNAM:

Them two fowls I bought of you, by seeing the pictur in the
newspaper, and which I paid you $35 cash down on the nail for, aint
what they're cracked up to be--not by a long short, sir. Now, what
I want you to do is to sen me back my munney, or I'll prosecute you
and put you in prizon for cheating people by false pertences. I was
so mad when I took them out of the box that I'd a good mine to kill
an eat em both on the spot.[2] I aint no _hen_-man, I'd have you to
understan, an you can't come none of this kine of nonsense over
_me_. Sen me back my munney, or I'll complain of you in tu days
before a Justis of the Peas--a friend of mine, that'll give you
_fits_ if you _air_ a big man. I don't keer for that. I want my
munney. The fowls is both sick, too. Answer this tu once, or els
sen me back my munney.[3]

---- -- ----.

No. 9.

G.P. BURNHAM; ESQ.:

I saw a cage of superb Cochin-China fowls from your yard,
yesterday, _en route_ to Mobile. Can you duplicate them? If so, at
what price? I had understood that a Mr. ---- kept choice fowls. I
visited his place, but saw none there that seemed worth the taking
away. If you can send me such a trio as I saw at Adams & Co.'s, let
me know it immediately, and your price for them. How shall I remit
you?

Yours, &c.

---- ----.

No. 10.

MR. BURNHAM:

I enclose you one hundred dollars, by check on Shoe and Leather
Dealers' Bank, Boston (No. 417), to your order, for the fine fowls
you describe in yours received this day. They should be _good_
ones, as I have no doubt they are. Forward, at once,

And believe me,

Yours,

---- -- ----.

No. 11.

G.B. BURNHAM, BOSTON.

SIR: When I paid you $25 (twenty-five dolls.) for a pair of
_Cochin-China_ chickens, according to your own terms, I did not
suppose you would dare to send to _me_ (whom you must know to be a
judge of all kinds of poultry) a pair of _Shanghaes_, instead of
those I ordered![4] I want none but _pure_-bred fowls in my
collection, nor will I have them there, either. I have now a plenty
of the Shanghaes, and I ordered a pair of Cochin-Chinas of you.
Now, I want to know what you will do in this matter. Will you send
me a pair of _Cochins_, or not? That is all I want to know at
present. From

Yours, truly,

---- ----.

P.S. I am a lawyer by profession; and I submit to no imposition of
this sort, you may be sure.

No. 12.

G.P. BURNHAM.

MY DEAR SIR:

The magnificent "Cochin-China" birds you forwarded me last are the
admiration of every one who beholds them; and I am greatly your
debtor for this superb lot of fowls. My neighbor, Hon. Mr. M----,
desires me to request you to forward him four as nearly like mine
as possible, and your draft on me, at sight, for the cost, will be
duly honored. He can afford (and is willing) to pay liberally for
them.[5] Charge him accordingly; but be careful that you do not
send him finer samples than _mine_ are,--which, by the way, I do
not think possible. I enclose you draft for $120, on Merchants'
Bank, Boston, for your bill. And am

Yours, truly,

---- ----.

No. 13.

SIR--I hav alwas heerd yu was a scamp, and now I _know_ yu are.[6]
Them egs yu sent me was smasht all up, an they was runnin' down the
sides of the box. What am I to do with them, sir--do yu think? Do
yu spose I've gut money so plenty as to throw it way in this
manner? Yu didn't put in _harf_ meal anuf, and the hole of them was
spilte, besides being roten I hav no manner of dout. Now if yu send
me back the six dolls. that the postmaster see me put into my fust
letter to yu, all's well an good. And ef yu don't, see if I don't
publis yu and yure caracter tu the hole wurld yu infermus cheet yu.
Yu'd aughter be ashamed tu send a man egs that wa, anny how. So no
more at present tell I heer from yu.

---- ----.

No. 14.

FRIEND BURNHAM:

I have heard creditable accounts of thy poultry (of the
Cochin-China variety), and I am induced from common rumor to
believe thee a man who dealeth justly and honorably. I desire to
procure a few of these choice fowls, if not too expensive; and will
thank thee to inform me what thy price is for such, at ages varying
from four to eight months old. Thy early reply will oblige thy
friend and well-wisher,

---- ---- ----.

No. 15.

G.P. BURNHAM, ESQ.--DEAR SIR: Send me ten trios more of the
Cochin-China chickens, _immediately_. If you can put them down to
$35 the trio, now, it will leave me a better margin. All the others
are sold, at $60 the trio. Enclosed is draft on Bank of Commerce,
Boston, for $400.

In haste, yours,

---- ----.

No. 16.

SIR--

I want tu get sum coshin chiney aggs, them as will hatch out
chickns with fethers onto the leggs an no mistaik. if you got them
kind yu can cend me wun dusen an i will cen yu bak the munny wen
the chickns is hached with fethers onto there leggs not otherwise.
If yu dont like tu cend them on this turms yu can keepe 'em
yureself. I bort too duzsen eg in bostun an their wasn't none of em
had no fethers on the leg, i mene the chick'ns, wen tha was hached.
an I dont expek i shall be fuled no mor by no such humbugg by a
good dele. i pade my munny for genwine aigs and I donte see no
reesun wy peeple isn't onnest. How could i tell wether their was
chickns in the egs or not? of course i cou'dn't. and i doant
consider sech bissiness no bettern than cheetin rite out. i bort em
_twict_ this wa, an i sharnt be fuled agin arter waitin as I did
both times over three weeks. ef yu will plese to sen me the pure
aigs abuv menciond and wate tell tha hach fether leggs chickns,
well an good, ive no dout yu air a onnest man, cos all the
noospapers pufs yu. But sum of the hen traiders aint no better than
thaid oughter be--that's _my_ pinion.[7]

Yours &c. etc.

---- ----.

No. 17.

MR. P.B. BURNUM; Sur,

If you hav enny of them big Cokin Shiney fowl, that eat off tops of
flour barils, I want sum. I gut a big nufoulan dogg that ways hard
onto 140 pouns, and I want tu cell him, an git sum of them Cokin
Shinys. This dogg is a gud dogg and dont eat much. I feed him on
fish and hoggs hasslits and it dont cost much to keep him. He bitt
a pedler's arm most off yisterday, but he woudnt be much trubble to
you, if you kep him chaind _all the time_ sose he couldnt bite
nobody. If you will rite me what you ask for yure fowls, I will
inform you what I ask for my dog. I dont want none nless thay can
eat off tops of flour barrils, of course. Them's the kind for
me.[8] Anser by return mail.

Yours Resp'y,

---- ----.

No. 18.

G.P. BURNHAM, ESQ.:

I have got a Shanghae cock weighing 15-1/2 pounds, and I want a few
hens to match him. Can you supply me? My crower stands three feet
four inches high, and his middle toe measures 7-1/2 inches in
length. What do you think of that? I want six twelve-pound hens.
Dr. Bennett can supply me, I presume; but I want _pure_-bred stock.
I have no doubt my crower will weigh eighteen or nineteen pounds,
at two years old; he is now only eight months old! Let me hear from
you.

Resp'y, ---- -- ----.

No. 19.

MR. BURNHAM:

I always took you to be a man of honor, and I supposed _you_ knew
(if anybody did) what a Cochin-China fowl was, because you imported
your stock. Now, those you sent me, and for which I willingly paid
you $40 for the three, are feathered on the legs; this should _not_
be, of course. How is this? They are fine, but I am certain they
can be nothing but mere Shanghae fowls. Let me know about this,
will you?

Yours, &c.

---- -- ----.

No. 20.

MY DEAR SIR:

I hardly know what to write you about the stock I had of you, six
months ago, for "Cochin-Chinas." That they are _not_ Cochins I feel
positive, however; for one half the chickens came smooth-legged,
and the rest are heavily-feathered on the legs!! I consider them
only _Shanghaes_, and now I want to know if you can send me a trio
of _pure_ bloods, that you _know_ to be Cochins. If so, I care
nothing about price. I want _blood_. "Blood tells," you know. Let
me hear from you, and state your own views in this matter. I will
be governed by your advice. Enclosed is ten dollars for a dozen of
your "Cochin" eggs--_pure_, you know.

In haste,

Yours truly, ---- ----.

No. 21.

MR. BURNHAM.

SIR: Do you call yourself a man of honor? I bought one doz.
Cochin-China eggs of you, for which I paid you six dollars, cash. I
set them, and I got but _ten_ chickens out of them (two eggs I
found rotten, in the nest). Every one of these chicks are cocks,
sir--_cocks_! Now, what the devil can _I_ do, do you imagine, with
ten cocks? I want to breed fowls. That is what I bought the eggs
for; to begin _right_. You must have _known_ better than this.
Anybody could have seen that these were all male eggs. _I_ saw it,
at once (I remember), but I _hoped_ I was mistaken. What do you
propose to do about this? Let me know, _at once_, without fail.

In haste,

---- -- ----.

No. 22.

SIR: You may think well of the Cochin-China fowls,--I _don't_.
Those you sent me are long-legged, and there are no feathers on
their legs, or feet, as there _ought_ to be. _I_ know what a
Cochin-China fowl is, too well to be deceived in this way. I will
keep them. _You are a humbug._ You are welcome to the thirty
dollars I paid you. I don't ask you to return it. I don't want it.
I can get along very well without it. You need it. Keep it. Much
good may it do you!

In haste,

---- ----.

P.S. Don't you wish you may get another $30 out of me, that way? O,
yes--I guess you will--ha! ha!

No. 23.

MR. BARMAN. Dear Sir: I see in the Poultry Books that the
Cotchin-China fowls lays two eggs every day,[9] and sometimes
three a-day. I have hens that lays two eggs a-day, frequenly, but I
want to get the breed that will lay _three_ eggs a-day, reglar. If
you have got anny of the Cotchins that you _know_ lays three eggs
a-day, I would like to get a few, at a fair price. I don't pay no
fancy prices for 'em, though. The hen fever won't larst forever, I
don't believe; and then when its busted up, what's the fowls good
for, even if they _do_ lay three eggs a-day? Let me hear from
you,--but don't send any fowls unless you are _sure_ they lay three
eggs every day!

Yours, &c.,

---- ----.

No. 24.

MR. BURNHAM.--SIR: I am a gentleman, and I have no disposition to
be fractious. I sent you twelve dollars, in a letter, for a dozen
"Cotchin" eggs, and I set them. After waiting twenty-three days, I
found two grizzled-colored chickens in the nest yesterday, both of
them with huge _top-knots_ on their polls! What does this mean? Am
I to be swindled out of my money thus? By return of mail if you do
not refund my money, if I live I will prosecute you, if it costs
me a thousand dollars. You may rely on this. I am not a man to be
trifled with, and I refer you to Messrs. ---- & ----, who know me;
you evidently do _not_!

In haste,

---- ----.

[I did not reply to this spicy favor, because, if the gentleman really was not a "fractious" man, I imagined he would like his pure-bred chickens better as they grew up; and, besides, I could afford to wait for "a gentleman" to cool off. I never heard from him, afterwards; and concluded that he didn't _live_ to carry out his laudable intention of expending a thousand dollars in prosecuting me! I trust that, before he departed, he became hopefully pious. Peace to his manes!]

No. 25.

SIR: Them fouls you sent me, got the sore-hed. I gin em tuppentyn
and unyuns and brandy, but it want no use. The poletry books sed
so, and I follered the direction, and _it killed 'em both deader'n
thunder, in one night_! Now you've gut my mony, and I haint narry
fowls. What'll I do? Don't you think this a pooty impersition? Send
me another pear, to once--if you don't want _fits_.

In haist,

---- ----.

[I sent this man "another _pear_,"--only I didn't!]

[1] After a hen had set over four weeks on her nest, I should suppose she _might_ have been thus affected!

[2] O, the cannibal!

[3] I never heard from this customer again, and should now be glad to know if he ever got his "munney"!

[4] _Here_ was a "lawyer," who knew the difference between a Cochin-China and a Shanghae!

[5] This was the kind of gentleman I loved to fall in with.

[6] _Some_ persons would consider this personal!

[7] I would liked to have seen the dealer that could "fule" this customer more than "twict."

[8] I informed this purchaser that I could send him a pair which, if they "couldn't eat off the tops" of his flour-barrels, I'd warrant would eat up the _contents_ of one as quickly as he could desire!

[9] "This gigantic bird," says Richardson, a noted English writer, "is very prolific, _frequently laying two, and occasionally three eggs on the same day_!" And, in support of this monstrous assertion, he subsequently refers, as his authority for this statement (which was called in question), to the "Rt. Hon. Mr. Shaw, Recorder of Dublin, to Mr. Walters, Her Majesty's poultry-keeper, and to J. Joseph Nolan, Esq., of Dublin." This was, in _my_ opinion, one of the hums of the time, and I never had occasion to change that opinion. I do not believe the hen that _really_ laid two eggs in one day ever lived to do it a second time! I have _heard_ of this thing, however. But I never knew of the instance, myself.