Chapter XXXIV: A Trump Card

Not to be beaten by this sort of thing (since the columns of certain friendly journals were still open to me), I adopted the style of advertising then current; and soon after the articles noted in the last chapter made their appearance in the "agricultural" paper alluded to, the following letter from the Young 'Un was published in the New York _Spirit of the Times_, upon the subject of live stock generally, and what _I_ had for sale particularly.

"UNCLE PORTER:

"During the last few years, I have turned my attention to
trafficking in stock (as you may _possibly_ already be aware). Not
copper stock, or Reading, or Hoosac Tunnel, or similar
'bores,'--but in _live_ stock; to wit, living stock. As is usual in
this great and free country, other people have got to doing the
same kind of business, since it has been now found to 'pay;' and
who's a better right?

"_I_ desire, at the commencement of the new year, through the
_Spirit_, to call the attention of such of _your_ friends (as you
cannot supply readily) to my present assortment of _ominus_,
omnivorous, carnivorous, graminivorous and bipederous
specimens--which I have imported from Europe, Asia, Africa,
Oceanica, South America, and _other_ places; and consisting, _in
part_, of the following, namely:

"All the best and choicest breeds and varieties of horses, cattle,
swine, dogs, cats, sheep, rabbits, goats, fowls, pigeons, rats,
catamounts, hyenas, alligators, cormorants, kangaroos, grizzly
bears, antelopes, envelopes, llamas, lam'ems, jaguars, fox and
geese, kinkajous, petrel, periwinkles, long-tailed rabbits, Nubian
fennecs, red eagles, condors, hooded ducks and hood-winked drakes,
swifts, sloes (intended for 'fast' men and old 'fogies'), chamois,
armadilloes, wingless emus, beadles, crabs, cranes, coons (bred
from 'that same old 'un'), white zebras, macaws, catspaws,
cantelopes, carbuncles and shuttle-sewing machines.

"I also have, for _exporting_, a splendid assortment of buffalo,
elk, deer, moose, bears, cranes, owls, badgers, woodchucks, swans,
pelicans, gulls (genuine), rattle-snakes (domesticated), fighting
hen-turkeys (from Iowa), larks (from Nauvoo), and a superior
assortment of _fishes_, of every conceivable size, color and
variety, which are warranted to live out of the water, in any
climate. In short, I will keep on hand all the best 'blooded'
animals, fowls, quadrupeds, fishes, reptiles, insects and
birds,--be they gallinaceous, aquatic, aërial, fancy, substantial,
good, bad or indifferent, that may be had; which I will furnish to
my numerous friends, patrons, and the rest of mankind, in Europe,
Asia, Africa or America, at all hours of the day or night (Sundays
excepted); and at prices so reasonable that Christendom shall 'vote
me' a philanthropist, or no sale.

"Among my most recently received samples, I beg especially to call
the attention of fanciers, amateurs and breeders, to a 'vaggin-load
of monkeys, vith their tails burned off,' which I warrant will not
frighten the most skittish of horses. A crate of she-basilisks, of
most virtuous exteriors, and with eyes as large as saucers. Eleven
pet elephants (intended to have been offered to Mr. Barnum, but who
informs me that he has done breeding them, on account of the high
price of provender). One pair of red ostriches,--supposed to be the
original progenitors of the famous 'Cochin-China' race of poultry.
(The male has a 'horse-shoe mark' upon his breast, described by
certain modern authors on poultry. Unluckily for this theory,
however, I happen to know that this individual was kicked by a mare
of mine, while the beauty was skulking behind her, and attempting
to rob her of the corn she was eating from her crib.) I have a trio
of very healthy walruses, from Norway, that will eat snowballs from
your hand. Also, a brace of young mastodons, very docile, and as
easily kept, _almost_, as a trio of 'Brahma Pootras.' Three _green_
swans (delightfully green), that never seek for or approach the
water; supposed not yet to have learned to swim. I have also in my
collection a family of very curious chameleons (believed to be),
but none of which are supplied with the usual caudal extremity
yclept _a tail_.

"My friend Durivage--who, as you are aware, is now in the Boston
Custom-house, and whose opinion, consequently, isn't worth
much--examined this family, and at once pronounced them hop-toads!
But I don't mind _his_ jokes. _You_ must see them. They are
beautiful creatures, and '_do_ live on air,' I assure you; I have
seen them do it frequently, without changing color. Dr. Bennett, of
Fort des Moines, has recently sent me a fine male porcupine,--a
nice little fellow to handle, so long as you rub his feathers the
right way,--which I purpose to cross upon my Chinese Mandarin sow,
at a future day, for experiment. In addition to all these, I have,
of _fowls_, the Mum-chums, Hong-Kongs, Whamphoas, Quittaquongs,
Hoanghos, Brama-pooters, Damphules,
Rocky-mountain-Indian-wharhoops, Nincompoops, etc., and an endless
variety of white blackbirds, sleeping weasels, very fine mules (for
breeding), fan-tail tumblers and tumbling fantails, no-woolled
sheep, etc. etc., and so forth.

"The principal object of this communication, however, is _not_ to
particularize my stock, but rather to call attention to my new
breed of Hogs, which I have lately imported; and of which I send
you a striking likeness herewith. I call it the Chinese Mandarin
Hog.

"The drawing of this very faithful and life-like picture--copies of
which I have already forwarded to _Punch_, the Paris _Charivari_,
etc.--was executed by Phizz; the engraving is by Quizz; the
portraits are perfect.

"This breed of hogs is most extraordinary; and has been pronounced
of great value for their beautiful model (see portrait), and easy
fattening qualities. Their meat is also remarkably tender and
fine-flavored, as can be proved by several gentlemen in this
country, although this is the _first_ hog of the kind ever brought
here, and she is now alive! As you will note in the drawing, the
head and face of these hogs (supposing it possible that another
could be found on God's footstool of the same kind) very closely
resemble an elephant; perfectly unique, and strikingly oriental in
capital aspect. (Which, if you do not understand, I can only say is
plain English, and I must again refer you to the picture.) There is
another singular feature, you will probably have observed (allowing
that you are somewhat acquainted with the _ordinary_ formation of
animals), and that is, that the trunk of this animal is upon the
wrong extremity; but it answers, apparently, a very good purpose
for a tail, as will be noted. True, the neck is longer than that of
any hogs ever seen here, imparting a singular appearance; but it is
a long lane that has no turn in it, and so _n'importe_ on this
point.

"This is the most _prolific_ of the whole swine race. There never
was one in America before, but this point is settled. She has
eighteen dugs (see portrait), and learned doctors inform us that
the number of dugs (teats) is always evidence of prolificness. The
bodies of these hogs are like the _white_ 'Berkshires' of England
(admitting that the white and the black Berkshires have
different-shaped _bodies_). In color, though not so spotted as the
leopard, these hogs are beautifully striated, like polished
alabaster and ebony, checkered and rounded (see drawing) most
exquisitely, like a slice of mouldy sage cheese.

"P.S. Although I am now short--or shall be, in the spring--full
eleven thousand pairs of pigs, from this sow (to fill present
orders), yet I will undertake to furnish a few more to gentlemen
who may fancy them, at the advanced price,--seven-and-sixpence per
pair. (I have no _boar_ of this breed, but that is immaterial.)

"N.B. I have frequently been asked to account for the singular
facial appearance of this sow; but I can only do so, satisfactorily
to myself, upon the theory of my friend Jacob, of old; that, _at
some time or other_, her mother must have 'seen the elephant'!

"***The other figures in the accompanying drawing are likenesses,
also from life, of my harmless and beautiful 'Bramerpootrers.' They
are very fond of little children (see picture) and I send to my
uncle William Porter, herewith, as a New Year's Gift to our mutual
friend, Solon Robinson, a very fine sample, with the gentle hint
that if he keeps his 'Hot Corn' as far out of this fellow's reach
as it has thus far been out of mine, it will be perfectly safe.

"==>All orders for my famous 'Bramerpootrers,' or my imported
'Chinese Mandarin Hogs,' etc., must be put in water-proof condition,
post-paid, endorsed by the collector of this port, and sent, by Adams
& Co.'s Express, to Niagara Falls, until I conclude to remove to Salt
Lake, Nebraska, or 'elsewhere,' of which due notice will be given
(provided I don't decide to 'step out' between two days). _Adios!_

"Yours,

"_The_ YOUNG 'UN.

"_Boston, Jan., 1854._"

Now, the above letter explains itself fairly, upon its face; yet--would it be believed?--I actually received four or five sober (I _presume_ the writers were sober) letters of inquiry, relating to the "curious and remarkable Chinese Mandarin Hog in my possession," immediately after the above article appeared in the _Spirit_! Such are the knowledge and acquirements of "the people," in certain quarters, upon the subject of live stock!