Chapter XXXIX: A Satisfactory Pedigree

In the course of my live-stock experience, and especially during the excitement that prevailed amidst the routine of the hen-trade, I found myself constantly the recipient of scores and hundreds of the most ridiculously unreasonable and meaningless letters, from the fever-struck (and innocent) but uninitiated victims of this epidemic.

In England, amongst other nonsense bearing upon this subject, the more cunning poultry-keepers resorted to the furnishing of _pedigrees_ for the birds they sold. This trick worked to admiration in Great Britain for a time, and the highest-sounding names were given to certain favorite fowls, the progeny of which ("with pedigree attached") commanded the most extravagant and ruinous prices, in the English "fancy" market.

For instance, I noticed in the London papers, in 1852, an account given of the sale of "two splendid cinnamon-colored chickens, out of the famous cock 'Jerry,' by the noted hen 'Beauty,' sired by 'Napoleon,' upon the well-known 'Queen Dowager,' grandsire 'Prince Albert,' on 'Victoria First,'" &c. &c., which brought the handsome sum of one hundred and sixty pounds (or about eight hundred dollars). And, soon afterwards, the same dodge was adopted on this side of the Atlantic. The "Porte-Monnaie I owe 'em Company" have _now_ an advertisement in several New York and Western papers, concluding thus:

"To all who desire it, we will furnish authentic pedigrees of our
stock of _all_ descriptions, which may be relied on for their
accuracy."

This sort of thing was rather too much for my naturally republican turn of mind; and, though I could endure _almost_ anything in the humbug of this bubble, I couldn't swallow _this_. I received from New York State, one day, the following spicy epistle:

"MR. BURNHAM.

"SIR: I have been a live-stock breeder for some years in this and
the old country, and I was desirous to obtain only _pure_-blooded
fowls when I ordered the 'Cochins' of you last month. I asked you
for their _pedigree_. You have sent none. What does this mean? I
paid you your price--seventy-five dollars--for three chickens. What
have you sent me? Am I dealing with a gentleman? Or are you a mere
shambles-huckster? What are these fowls bred from? Perhaps I may
find myself called upon to speak more plainly, sir. I hope not. Who
_are you_? I sent for a pedigree, and I want it. _I must have it_,
sir. You will comprehend this, I presume. If you do not, I can
enlighten you further.

"In haste,

"---- -- ----."

I smiled at the earnestness of this letter, the more particularly when I reflected that this gentleman always supplied to his patrons a thing he called a pedigree, for all the animals he sold--so intricate, conglomerated and lengthy, that no one would ever venture to dispute the authenticity and reliability of the document he sent them.

I re-read his sharp communication, and I found the sentence again, "Who _are you_? I sent for a pedigree, and I must have it." And I sat down, at once, and wrote him as follows:

"_Melrose, Mass., 1853._

"MY DEAR SIR:

"Your peppery favor came duly to hand. You say you 'want a
pedigree,' and that you 'must have it;' and you inquire who _I_ am?
I cannot furnish any such history for my _fowls_, for I haven't the
slightest idea what they are, except that they are bred from my
superb imported 'Cochin-Chinas,' which have so long been pronounced
the 'admiration of the world.'

"But, since you must have a pedigree, you say, and as you seem
anxious to know who _I_ am, I enclose you the following, as an
accurate account of my _own_ pedigree, which I furnished to a legal
gentleman in New York city, some years since,[13] and which, I
presume, will answer your purpose as well as any other would; as I
observe, by your polite favor now before me, that you 'want A
pedigree.' Please read this carefully, and then inform me (as you
promise to do) if you 'can enlighten _me_ further'!

"Very profoundly yours,

"G.P.B."

It will be necessary, in order that my readers may the better appreciate the pedigree that follows (and which I enclosed to my correspondent, as above stated), to inform them that some fifteen years ago, or more, there was a person named _Burnham_, who died in England, leaving no will behind him; but who was possessed, at the time of his decease, of an immense fortune, said to amount to several millions of pounds sterling in value. As soon as the intelligence reached this country, the Burnhams were greatly elated with their prospects, and meetings of the imaginative "heirs" to this estate were held, who, each and all, believed that a windfall was now in certain prospect before them. The excitement ended as all this sort of thing does. No one among the Burnhams could identify himself, or substantiate the fact of his ever having had a grandfather; and the bubble was soon exploded. Among the parties who were addressed on the subject of this supposed "Burnham fortune," was my humble self; the ambitious lawyer who undertook to unravel the mystery, and to recover the money for us, informing me by mail that "it would be of material pecuniary advantage to me to establish my pedigree." I wrote _him_ as follows:

"MY DEAR SIR:

"Your favor, under date 4th instant, came duly to hand, and I
improve my earliest moment of leisure (after the unavoidable delays
attendant upon procuring the information you seek) to reply. You
are desirous of being made acquainted with my 'pedigree.'

"I have to inform you that I have taken some days to examine into
this matter, and, after a careful investigation of the 'records,'
find that I am a descendant, in the direct line, from a gentleman,
very well remembered in these parts, by the name of ADAM. The old
man had two sons. 'Cain' and 'Abel' they were called. The latter,
by the other's hands, went dead one day; but as no coroner had
then been appointed in the county where they resided, 'verdict was
postponed.' A third son was born, whom they called 'Seth.' _Cain_
Adam had a son named Enoch, who had a son (in the fourth
generation) by the name of Malech. Malech had a son whom he called
NOAH, from whom I trace directly my own being.

"Noah had three sons, 'Shem,' '_Ham_' and 'Japheth.' The eldest and
youngest--Shem and Japheth--were a couple of the 'b'hoys;' and Ham
was a very well-disposed young gentleman, who slept at home o'
nights. But his two brothers, unfortunately, were not so well
inclined. _Ham_ was a sort of 'jethro'--the butt of his two
brothers, who had done him 'brown' so many times, that they called
him 'burnt.' For many years he was known, therefore, as
'Burnt-Ham.' Before his death he applied to the Legislature in his
diggings for a change of name. He dropped the _t_, a bill was
passed entitling him to the name of BURN-HAM, and hence the
_sur_name of your humble servant. So much for the _name_.

"In several of the newspapers of that period I find allusions made
to _a very severe rain-storm_ which occurred 'just about this
time;' and the public prints (of all parties) agree that 'this
storm was tremendous,' and that 'an immense amount of damage was
done to the shipping and commercial interest.' As this took place
some six thousand years back, however, you will not, I presume,
expect me to quote the particular details of this circumstance,
except in so far as refers directly to my own relatives. I may here
add, however, that subsequent accounts inform me that everything of
any particular value was totally destroyed. A private letter from
Ham, dated at the time, declares that 'there wasn't a peg left to
hang his hat on.'

"Old Noah found it was 'gittin' werry wet under foot' (to use a
familiar expression of his), and he wisely built a canal-boat (of
very generous dimensions) for the safety of himself and family.
Finding that the rain continued, he enlarged his boat, so that he
could carry a very considerable amount of luggage, in case of
accident. This foresight in the old gentleman proved most
fortunate, and only confirms the established opinion, that the
family is 'smart;' for the 'storm continued unabated for forty days
and forty nights' (so say the accounts), until every species of
animal and vegetable matter had been 'used up,' always excepting
the old gentleman's canal-boat _and_ cargo.

"Now, Noah was a great lover of animals. 'Of every kind, a male and
female,' did he take into his boat with him, and 'a nice time' they
must have had of it for six weeks! Notwithstanding the fact (which
I find recorded in one of the journals of the day), that 'a
gentleman, who was swimming about, and who requested the old man to
let him in, upon being refused, declared that he might go to grass
with his old canoe, for he didn't think it would be much of a
shower, anyhow,'--I say, notwithstanding this opinion of the
gentleman, who is represented as having been a 'very expert
swimmer,' everything was destroyed.

"Ham was one of 'em--_he_ was! He 'knew sufficient to get out of
the rain,' albeit he wasn't thought _very_ witty. He took passage
with the rest, however, and thus did away with the necessity of a
life-preserver. From _Ham_ I trace my pedigree directly down
through all the grades, to King Solomon, without any difficulty,
who, by the way, was reported to have been a little loose in his
habits, and was very fond of the ladies and Manzanilla Sherry. He
used to sing songs, too, of which 'the least said the soonest
mended.' But, on the whole, Sol was a very clever, jolly-good
fellow, and on several occasions gave evidence of possessing his
share of the cunning natural to our family. Some thought him
'wise;' but, although I have no disposition to abuse any of my
ancestors, I think the Queen of Sheba (a very nice young woman she
was, too) rather 'come it' over the old fellow!

"By a continuous chain, I trace my relationship thence through a
rather tortuous line, from generation to generation, down to Mr.
Matthew,--not the comedian, but to Matthew, the Collector (of
Galilee, I think), who 'sat at the receipt of customs.' To _this_
connection I was, undoubtedly, indebted for an appointment in the
Boston Custom-house. Matthew lived in the good old 'high tariff'
times, when something in the shape of duties was coming in. But,
as nothing is said of his _finale_, I rather think he absquatulated
with the funds of the government. But I will come to the
information you desire, without further ado.

"You know the 'OLD 'UN,' undoubtedly. (If you don't, there is very
little doubt but you will know his _namesake_ hereafter, if you
don't cease to squander your time in looking after the plunder of
the Burnham family!) Well, the 'Old 'Un' is in the 'direct line,'
to which I have now endeavored to turn your attention; and I have
been called, of late years, the 'YOUNG 'UN,' for reasons that will
not interest you. To my honored senior (whom I set down in the
category as my legitimate 'dad') I would refer you for further
particulars. He is tenacious of the character of his progeny, and
loves me; I would commend you to him, for it will warm the cockles
of his old heart to learn that the 'YOUNG 'UN' _is in luck_.

"If you chance to live long enough to get as far down in my letter
as _this_ paragraph, allow me to add that, should you happen to
receive any very considerable amount as _my_ share of the
'property' for the Burnham family, please not overlook the fact
that I am I 'one of 'em,' and that I have taken pains to tell you
'whar I cum from.' Please forward my dividend by Adams & Co.'s
Express (if their crates should be big enough to convey it), and if
it should prove too bulky, turn it into American gold, and charter
a steamer to come round for the purpose; I shan't mind the expense.

"In conclusion, I can only intimate the high consideration I
entertain towards yourself for having prepaid the postage upon your
communication; a very unusual transaction with legal gentlemen. My
sensations, upon closing this hasty scrawl, are, I fancy, very
nearly akin to those of the Hibernian who '_liked_ to have found a
sovereign once,'--but you will allow me to assure you that it will
afford me the greatest pleasure to meet you hereafter, and I shall
be happy to give you any further information in my power touching
_that_ 'putty' in prospective.

"I am, very respectfully, your obedient servant,

"GEO. P. BURNHAM, _alias the_ 'YOUNG 'UN.'"

I presume this pedigree was perfectly satisfactory to my correspondent; and I am quite certain that it was of as much account as this kind of thing usually is. At any rate, I heard nothing more from him, in any way; and I made up my mind, therefore, that, after reading this, he concluded that he couldn't "enlighten me further," as he had so pertly suggested in his communication, quoted in the beginning of this chapter. He is a very nice man, I have no manner of doubt.

[13] This article was originally published in the New York _Spirit of the Times_, substantially, and was afterwards issued in an edition of my fugitive literary productions, by Getz & Buck, of Philadelphia, in a volume entitled "_Stray Subjects_."