Chapter XXXI: A Suppressed Speech

The following remarks, on the occasion referred to, were neither published at the time, nor would the "Committee on Printing" admit them into the official report of the proceedings of this _national_ show. For what reason, I am utterly unable to determine. These were the author's sentiments, and I give the speech a place _here_, because I have no idea of being thus "headed" by my colleagues in that enterprise. This speech was delivered by the Young 'Un "with emphasis and discretion;" but the managers suppressed it. I now submit it, in the hope that it will be duly appreciated. When called upon, I said, as modestly and as gracefully as I knew how:

"MR. PRESIDENT: _Vox populi, vox Dei!_ The people assembled within
the classic and well-painted walls of your American Museum call
upon me for a few words of encouragement; and, while I assure you I
find myself totally unprepared to speak (though my present address
has been written some four weeks), I cheerfully respond to the
flattering demonstration that greets me on this electrifying
occasion." (Applause, and waving of hats and handkerchiefs.)

"I am but an humble disciple in this profession, Mr. President, and
know very little of the deceit and chicanery that _some_ persons
charge others with practising in the ramifications of the
hen-trade; and, although it has been said that 'what I don't know
about this part of the business wouldn't be worth much to anybody,'
yet I here solemnly disclaim any superhuman or supernatural
knowledge of the tricks of this laudable and highly respectable
calling." (Cries of "Good, good! You're an injured man! Go on!")

"For six years, Mr. President, I have carefully watched the
progress of this disease, and it really warms the recesses of my
heart to find myself surrounded, as I do to-day, by the highly
honorable and respectable throng of gentlemen who now grace this
rostrum,--yourself, Mr. President, prominent among this galaxy of
talent, education, genius, morality, and thrift!" (Immense
applause, during which the speaker removed his outside coat.)

"The day is auspicious, Mr. Barnum,--I beg pardon--Mr. _President_.
The spirit of liberty,--of American liberty,--sir, is abroad! To be
sure, our valued friends who pretend to Know Nothing (and whose
pretensions none of here, I think, will gainsay) have commenced an
onslaught upon almost everything of foreign extraction; but they
kindly permit us to import Chinese _fowls_, and allow us to breed
them--for the present, at least--without interruption; for which I
trust they may receive a unanimous vote of thanks from this
American _National_ Poultry Society." ("Yes, yes!" followed this
allusion, with hearty cheers.)

"I repeat it, sir,--the times are auspicious. Money is a drug in
the market, plainly. The patronage bestowed upon this show (in
which, Mr. President, I am sure your native modesty and national
patriotism cannot suffer you to feel the slightest _personal_
interest) is evidence of this fact. The prices paid here, in 1854,
for domestic fowls--though so clearly below their actual
value!--supports this assertion: and your own entire lack of
backwardness in coming forward to assume the risk and
responsibility of the expenses of this exhibition is the crowning
proof that _l'argent_ is plenty--somewhere, at least. I have no
disposition, Mr. President,--far be it from me--Heaven forbid that
I should attempt--to offer one word of flattery, that you might, by
any possibility, appropriate personally. No, sir,--I am no such
man! But, if ever there was an individual whose pure-bred
disinterestedness, whose incomparable generosity, whose astonishing
sacrifice of self, stuck out like a sore thumb, these attributes
have now been evinced, beyond the shadow of a shade of question, on
this exhilarating occasion, through the astounding liberality of a
gentleman, the initials of whose name are Finnyous Tee Barman!"
(Immense applause, during which the Young 'Un laid aside his
dress-coat, and took off his cravat,--while the President, with
both hands over his face, sat overpowered with his emotions.)

"Mr. President, I am no clap-trap orator. I shall say what I have
to say, sir, to-day, without any hope or aim towards future reward.
To be sure, I have the originals of the finest-blooded fowls in the
land, and nobody disputes it; and I have now a fine lot here to
dispose of; but this is not the time or place to allude to this
matter; and I will only say that I do not charge so much for them
as many breeders do, while, at the same time, mine are very much
finer and purer than anybody else's, as can readily be seen upon
examining the contents of my cages, in the first room below this
hall, on the right-hand side as you enter the building. The people,
sir, are in search of information on this interesting subject; and
I will only add, gentlemen,--call as you pass out, and judge for
yourselves." (Loud cries of "We will!--we will!" "That's true!"
"That's a fact!" "Your fame is firmly established!")

"Mr. President, I have been too long a resident of these United
States--I am too old a citizen of this enlightened country--to be
ignorant of the true character of the American people. I am a
Yankee, sir! My father was a Yankee, and my grandfather (if I ever
had one, sir), before him. 'The people' know what they are about.
You cannot deceive _them_, sir, as you and I well know. When they
undertake a thing, it must go forward. There's no stopping them,
sir. They enter into any enterprise that promises so much of
universal success to the whole country as does this business of
poultry-raising, with a rush, sir! And they carry out their
objects,--_nil disperandum hic jacit est glorii mundi morning_,
sir,--as the poet remarks." (Hurra! Hurra! "Three cheers for
Burnham," suggested the President, which were given with a will;
and during which the speaker removed his vest and
braces,--carefully securing his watch, however, at the same time.)

"We are not here to be humbugged, sir, nor do we aspire to humbug
anybody, at this exhibition;--a performance which would be rather
difficult to effect, in my humble judgment, even if we did! We come
here to show the people what has been done, what is now doing, and
what may be done again, sir, by our friends here, all of them and
any of them, who choose to undertake the pleasing and delightful
task of rearing _pure_-bred fowls. And, should there now be within
the sound of my voice any lady or gentleman who has never seen the
tiny Shanghae chick as it emerged from its delicate prison-shell
and leaped forth into liberty and the glorious sunlight,--should
any one of my listeners never have enjoyed the dulcet tone of that
chicken's tender 'peep,'--if any of you are strangers to the habits
and beauties and innocence of these rare but graceful birds,--if
you have never listened to the melody of their musical crow, from
youth to green old age,--I will only say, procure some of the
genuine specimens, and there is much of joy and happiness yet in
store for yourselves, your wives, your children, or your
friends,--if you chance to have any." (Applause, and marked
sensation.)

"Mr. President, I am no speech-maker. Had I, for one moment,
supposed that _I_ should have been thought of, by this talented and
well-informed audience, I should not have been present here, I
assure you. But, sir, my fame preceded me here. I'm a poor but
honest man; and modesty, sir, that native modesty which so
preeminently characterizes your own composition, Mr. President (had
I suspected that I should have been called upon), would have
prompted me to have left to others the pleasing task of speaking of
me and mine. Still, if my friends '_will_ buckle fortune on my
back, whether I will or no,' I can only say that I feel impressed
that the duty and moral obligations I owe to society compel me to
submit to the burthen, with the best possible grace at my humble
command." (Deep sensation among the audience; the ladies, for the
most part, in tears.)

"But, sir, the future is before us! The brilliant star of fortune
still shines in the distance, for the encouragement of those who
have not yet availed themselves of the splendid promise that awaits
the men who are yet to come after us, to do as _we_ have done! And,
to those who are now about to undertake the commendable occupation
of attempting to breed 'fancy poultry,' I will only say, 'Go on,
gentlemen! Forward, in your delightfully pleasing and
profit-promising ambition! Purchase none but the best stock,
without regard to price; and _breed_ it (if you can!). Everybody
wants to buy,--everybody _will_ buy,--and the hens that lay the
golden eggs are still for sale, within the sound of my voice
(unless they have all been bought up since I entered this hall).
But there are still a few more left, I have no doubt, gentlemen;
and, I charge you, seize them while you may!'"

A general stampede followed my speech. I secured my clothes, and, for three hours afterwards, I found it impossible to get within fifty feet of my show-cages, in consequence of the throng of purchasers that crowded around them!

There must have been some charm about those magical coops of mine. They were filled and refilled, twenty times over; but they were as often emptied, and at singularly gratifying prices, both to buyer and seller.