Chapter XX: Act III: Scene I

_A Hall in_ FALSO’s _House_.

_Enter_ FALSO _untrussed_.

FAL. Why, Latronello! Furtivo! Fucato! Where be these
lazy knaves that should truss me?[876] not one stirring
yet?
[_A Cry within._] Follow, follow, follow!
FAL. What news there?
[_A Cry within._] This way, this way; follow, follow!
FAL. Hark, you sluggish soporiferous villains! there’s
knaves abroad when you are a-bed: are ye not ashamed
on’t? a justice’s men should be up first, and give
example to[877] all knaves.

_Enter_ LATRONELLO _and_ FUCATO, _tumbling in, in false
beards_.

LAT. O, I beseech your good worship!
FUC. Your worshipful worship!
FAL. Thieves! my two-hand sword! I’m robbed i’ th’ hall.
Latronello, knaves, come down! my two-hand sword, I say!
LAT. I am Latronello, I beseech your worship.
FAL. Thou Latronello? thou liest; my men scorn to have
beards.
LAT. We forget our beards. [_They take off their false
beards._]—Now, I beseech your worship quickly remember
us.
FAL. How now?
FUC. Nay, there’s no time to talk of _how now_; ’tis
done.
[_A Cry within._] Follow, follow, follow!
LAT. Four mark and a livery is not able to keep life and
soul together: we must fly out once a quarter; ’tis for
your worship’s credit to have money in our purse. Our
fellow Furtivo is taken in the action.
FAL. A pox on him for a lazy knave! would he be taken?
FUC. They bring him along to your worship; you’re the
next justice. Now or never shew yourself a good master,
an upright magistrate, and deliver him out of their
hands.
FAL. Nay, he shall find me—apt enough to do him good, I
warrant him.
LAT. He comes in a false beard, sir.
FAL. ’S foot, what should he do here else? there’s no
coming to me in a true one, if he had one. The slave to
be taken! do not I keep geldings swift enough?
LAT. The goodliest geldings of any gentleman in the
shire.
FAL. Which did the whorson knave ride upon?
LAT. Upon one of your best, sir.
FUC. Stand-and-deliver.
FAL. Upon Stand-and-deliver? the very gelding I choose
for mine own riding; as nimble as Pegasus the flying
horse yonder. Go shift yourselves into your coats; bring
hither a great chair and a little table.
FUC. With all present speed, sir.
FAL. And, Latronello——
LAT. Ay, sir.
FAL. Sit you down, and very soberly take the
examination.
LAT. I’ll draw a few horse-heads in a paper; make a
shew. I hope I shall keep my countenance.
[_Exeunt_ LATRONELLO _and_ FUCATO.
FAL. Pox on him again! would he be taken? he frets me. I
have been a youth myself: I ha’ seen the day I could
have told money out of other men’s purses,—mass, so I
can do now,—nor will I keep that fellow about me that
dares not bid a man stand; for as long as drunkenness is
a vice, stand is a virtue: but I would not have ’em
taken. I remember now betimes in a morning, I would have
peeped through the green boughs, and have had the party
presently, and then to ride away finely in fear: ’twas
e’en venery[878] to me, i’faith, the pleasantest course
of life! one would think every woodcock a constable, and
every owl an officer. But those days are past with me;
and, a’ my troth, I think I am a greater thief now, and
in no danger. I can take my ease, sit in my chair, look
in your faces now, and rob you; make you bring your
money by authority, put off your hat, and thank me for
robbing of you. O, there is nothing to a thief under
covert barn![879]

_Enter_ PHŒNIX _and_ FIDELIO; _Constable and Officers
with_ FURTIVO; _and_ LATRONELLO _and_ FUCATO
_bringing in a chair and table_.

CON. Come, officers, bring him away.
FAL. Nay, I see thee through thy false beard, thou
midwind-chined rascal, [_Aside._]—How now, my masters,
what’s he? ha?
CON. Your worship knows I never come but I bring a thief
with me.
FAL. Thou hast left thy wont else, constable.
PHŒ. Sir, we understand you to be the only uprightness
of this place.
FAL. But I scarce understand you, sir.
PHŒ. Why, then, you understand not yourself, sir.
FAL. Such another word, and you shall change places with
the thief.
PHŒ. A maintainer of equal causes, I mean.
FAL. Now I have you; proceed, sir.
PHŒ. This gentleman and myself, being led hither by
occasion of business, have been offered the discourtesy
of the country, set upon by three thieves, and robbed.
FAL. What are become of the other two?—Latronello.[880]
LAT. Here, sir.

PHŒ. They both made away from us; the cry pursues ’em,
but as yet none but this taken.
FAL. Latronello.
LAT. Sir?
FAL. Take his examination.
LAT. Yes, sir.
FAL. Let the knave stand single.
FUR. Thank your good worship.
FAL. Has been a suitor at court, sure; he thanks me for
nothing.
PHŒ. He’s a thief now, sure.
FAL. That we must know of him.—What are ye, sir?
FUR. A piece next to the tail, sir, a servingman.
FAL. By my troth, a pretty phrase, and very cleanly
handled! Put it down, Latronello; thou mayst make use
on’t.—Is he of honour or worship whom thou servest?
FUR. Of both, dear sir; honourable in mind, and
worshipful in body.
FAL. Why, would one wish a man to speak better?
PHŒ. O, sir, they most commonly speak best that do
worst.
FAL. Say you so, sir? then we’ll try him farther.—Does
your right worshipful master go before you as an
ensample of vice, and so encourage you to this
slinking[881] iniquity? He is not a lawyer, is he?
FUR. Has the more wrong, sir; both for his conscience
and honesty he deserves to be one.
FAL. Pity he’s a thief, i’faith; I should entertain him
else.
PHŒ. Ay, if he were not as he is, he would be better
than himself.
FUR. No, ’tis well known, sir, I have a master the very
picture of wisdom——
LAT. For indeed he speaks not one wise word.
[_Aside._
FUR. And no man but will admire to hear of his virtues——
LAT. Because he ne’er had any in all his life.
[_Aside._
FAL. You write all down, Latronello?
LAT. I warrant you, sir.
FUR. So sober, so discreet, so judicious——
FAL. Hum.
FUR. And above all, of most reverend gravity.
FAL. I like him for one quality; he speaks well of his
master; he will fare the better.—Now, sir, let me touch
you.
FUR. Ay, sir.
FAL. Why, serving a gentleman of such worship and
wisdom, such sobriety and virtue, such discretion and
judgment, as your master is, do you take such a
beastly course, to stop horses, hinder gentlewomen
from their meetings, and make citizens never ride but
a’ Sundays, only to avoid morning prayer and you? Is
it because your worshipful master feeds you with lean
spits, pays you with Irish money, or clothes you in
northern dozens?[882]
FUR. Far be it from his mind, or my report. ’Tis well
known he kept worshipful cheer the day of his wife’s
burial; pays our four marks a-year as duly by twelve
pence a-quarter as can be——
PHŒ. His wisdom swallows it. [_Aside._
FUR. And for northern dozens—fie, fie, we were ne’er
troubled with so many.
FAL. Receiving then such plenteous blessings from your
virtuous and bountiful master, what cause have you to be
thief now? answer me to that gear.[883]
FUR. ’Tis e’en as a man gives his mind to’t, sir.
FAL. How, sir?
FUR. For, alas, if the whole world were but of one
trade, traffic were nothing! if we were all true
men,[884] we should be of no trade: what a pitiful world
would here be! heaven forbid we should be all true men!
Then how should your worship’s next suit be made? not a
tailor left in the land: of what stuff would you have it
made? not a merchant left to deliver it: would your
worship go in that suit still? You would ha’ more
thieves about you than those you have banished, and be
glad to call the great ones home again, to destroy the
little.
PHŒ. A notable rogue!
FAL. A’ my troth, a fine knave, and has answered me
gloriously.—What wages wilt thou take after thou art
hanged?
FUR. More than your worship’s able to give: I would
think foul scorn to be a justice then.
FAL. He says true too, i’faith; for we are all full of
corruption here. [_Aside._]—Hark you, my friends.
PHŒ. Sir?
FAL. By my troth, if you were no crueller than I, I
could find in my heart to let him go.
PHŒ. Could you so, sir? the more pitiful justice you.
FAL. Nay, I did but to try you; if you have no pity,
I’ll ha’ none.—Away! he’s a thief; to prison with him!
FUR. I am content, sir.
FAL. Are you content?—Bring him back.—Nay then, you
shall not go.—I’ll be as cruel as you can wish.—You’re
content? belike you have a trick to break prison, or a
bribe for the officers.
CON. For us, sir?
FAL. For you, sir! what colour’s silver, I pray? you
ne’er saw money in your life: I’ll not trust you with
him.—Latronello and Fucato, lay hold upon him; to your
charge I commit him.
FUR. O, I beseech you, sir!
FAL. Nay, if I must be cruel, I will be cruel.
FUR. Good sir, let me rather go to prison.
FAL. You desire that? I’ll trust no prison with you:
I’ll make you lie in mine own house, or I’ll know why I
shall not.
FUR. Merciful sir!
FAL. Since you have no pity, I will be cruel.
PHŒ. Very good, sir; you please us well.
FAL. You shall appear to-morrow, sirs.
FUR. Upon my knees, sir!
FAL. You shall be hanged out a’ th’ way.—Away with him,
Latronello and Fucato!—Officers, I discharge you my
house; I like not your company.
Report me as you see me, fire and fuel;
If men be Jews, justices must be cruel.
[_Exeunt all but_ PHŒNIX _and_ FIDELIO.
PHŒ. So, sir, extremes set off all actions thus,
Either too tame, or else too tyrannous:
He being bent to fury, I doubt now
We shall not gain access unto your love,
Or she to us.
FID. Most wishfully here she comes.

_Enter_ NIECE.

PHŒ. Is that she?
FID. This is she, my lord.
PHŒ. A modest presence.
FID. Virtue bless you, lady!
NIECE. You wish me well, sir.
FID. I’d first in charge this kiss, and next this
paper;
You’ll know the language; ’tis Fidelio’s.
NIECE. My ever-vowed love! how is his health?
FID. As fair as is his favour with the prince.
NIECE. I’m sick with joy: does the prince love him so?
FID. His life cannot requite it.
Not to wrong the remembrance of his love,
I had a token for you, kept it safe,
Till by misfortune of the way this morning,
Thieves set upon this gentleman and myself,
And with the rest robb’d that.
NIECE. Was it your loss?[885]
O me, I’m dearly sorry for your chance!
They boldly look you in the face that robb’d you;
No farther villains than my uncle’s men.
PHŒ. What, lady?
NIECE. ’Tis my grief I speak so true.
FID. Why, my lord[886]——
PHŒ. But give me pausing, lady; was he one
That took th’ examination?
NIECE. One, and the chief.
PHŒ. Henceforth hang him that is no way a thief;
Then I hope few will suffer.
Nay, all the jest was, he committed him
To the charge of his fellows, and the rogue
Made it lamentable, cried to leave ’em:
None live so wise but fools may once deceive ’em.
FID. An uncle so insatiate!
PHŒ. Ay, is’t not strange too,
That all should be by nature vicious,
And he bad against nature?
NIECE. Then you have heard the sum of all my wrongs?
PHŒ. Lady, we have, and desire rather now
To heal ’em than to hear ’em:
For by a letter from Fidelio
Direct to us, we are intreated jointly
To hasten your remove from this foul den
Of theft and purpos’d incest.
NIECE. I rejoice
In his chaste care of me: I’ll soon be furnish’d.
FID. He writes that his return cannot be long.
NIECE. I’m chiefly glad,—but whither is the place?
PHŒ. To the safe seat of his late wronged mother.
NIECE. I desire it;
Her conference will fit mine: well you prevail.
PHŒ. At next grove we’ll expect you.
NIECE. I’ll not fail. [_Exeunt._

SCENE II.

_A Street._

_Enter_ KNIGHT _and_ JEWELLER’S WIFE.

KNIGHT. It stands upon the frame of my reputation, I
protest, lady.
JEW. WIFE. Lady? that word is worth an hundred
angels[887] at all times, for it cost more: if I live
till to-morrow night, my sweet Pleasure, thou shalt have
them.
KNIGHT. Could you not make ’em a hundred and fifty,
think you?
JEW. WIFE. I’ll do my best endeavour to multiply, I
assure you.
KNIGHT. Could you not make ’em two hundred?
JEW. WIFE. No, by my faith——
KNIGHT. Peace; I’ll rather be confined in the hundred
and fifty.
JEW. WIFE. Come e’en much about this time, when taverns
give up their ghosts, and gentlemen are in their first
cast[888]——
KNIGHT. I’ll observe the season.
JEW. WIFE. And do but whirl the ring a’ th’ door once
about: my maid-servant shall be taught to understand the
language.
KNIGHT. Enough, my sweet Revenue.
JEW. WIFE. Good rest, my effectual Pleasure.
[_Exeunt._[889]