Chapter XXV: Act III: Scene I

_The Country Wench’s Lodging._

_The Country Wench[1046] discovered, dressed gentlewoman-
like, in a new-fashioned gown: the Tailor points[1047]
it; while_ MISTRESS COMINGS, _a tirewoman,[1048] is
busy about her head_: HELLGILL _looking on_.

HELL. You talk of an alteration: here’s the thing
itself. What base birth does not raiment make glorious?
and what glorious births do not rags make infamous? Why
should not a woman confess what she is now, since the
finest are but deluding shadows, begot between tirewomen
and tailors? for instance, behold their parents!
MIS. C. Say what you will, this wire becomes you
best.—How say you, tailor?
TAI. I promise you ’tis a wire would draw me from my
work seven days a-week.
COUN. W. Why, do you work a’ Sundays, tailor?
TAI. Hardest of all a’ Sundays, because we are most
forbidden.
COUN. W. Troth, and so do most of us women; the better
day the better deed, we think.
MIS. C. Excellent, exceeding, i’faith! a narrow-eared
wire sets out a cheek so fat and so full: and if you be
ruled by me, you shall wear your hair still like a mock-
face behind: ’tis such an Italian world, many men know
not before from behind.
TAI. How like you the sitting of this gown now, mistress
Comings?
MIS. C. It sits at marvellous good ease and comely
discretion.
HELL. Who would think now this fine sophisticated squal
came out of the bosom of a barn, and the loins of a hay-
tosser?
COUN. W. Out, you saucy, pestiferous pander! I scorn
that, i’faith.
HELL. Excellent! already the true phrase and style of a
strumpet. Stay; a little more of the red, and then I
take my leave of your cheek for four and twenty
hours.—Do you not think it impossible that her own
father should know her now, if he saw her?
COUN. W. Why, I think no less: how can he know me, when
I scarce know myself?
HELL. ’Tis right.
COUN. W. But so well you lay wait for a man for me!
HELL. I protest I have bestowed much labour about it;
and in fit time, good news I hope.

_Enter_ HELLGILL’s _Servant[1049] bringing in the
Country Wench’s Father disguised_.

SER. I’ve found one yet at last, in whose preferment I
hope to reap credit.
COUN. W. Is that the fellow?
SER. Lady, it is.
COUN. W. Art thou willing to serve me, fellow?
FATH. So please you, he that has not the heart to serve
such a mistress as your beautiful self, deserves to be
honoured for a fool, or knighted for a coward.
COUN. W. There’s too many of them already.
FATH. ’Twere sin then to raise the number.
COUN. W. Well, we’ll try both our likings for a month,
and then either proceed or let fall the suit.
FATH. Be it as you have spoke, but ’tis my hope A longer
term.
COUN. W. No, truly; our term ends once a-month: we
should get more than the lawyers, for they have but four
terms a-year, and we have twelve, and that makes ’em run
so fast to us in the vacation.
FATH. A mistress of a choice beauty! Amongst such
imperfect creatures I ha’ not seen a perfecter. I
should have reckoned the fortunes of my daughter
amongst the happiest, had she lighted into such a
service; whereas now I rest doubtful whom or where she
serves. [_Aside._
COUN. W. There’s for your bodily advice, tailor; and
there’s for your head-counsel [_giving money to the
Tailor and to_ MISTRESS COMINGS]; and I discharge you
both till to-morrow morning again.
TAI. At which time our neatest attendance.
MIS. C. I pray, have an especial care, howsoever you
stand or lie, that nothing fall upon your hair to batter
your wire.
COUN. W. I warrant you for that. [_Exit_ MIS. C. _with
Tailor_.]—Which gown becomes me best now, the purple
satin or this?
HELL. If my opinion might rule over you——

_Enter_ LETHE, REARAGE, _and_ SALEWOOD.

LET. Come, gallants, I’ll bring you to a beauty shall
strike your eyes into your hearts: what you see, you
shall desire, yet never enjoy.
REAR. And that’s a villanous torment.
SALE. And is she but your underput, master Lethe?
LET. No more, of my credit; and a gentlewoman of a great
house, noble parentage, unmatchable education, my plain
pung. I may grace her with the name of a courtesan, a
backslider, a prostitution, or such a toy;[1050] but
when all comes to all, ’tis but a plain pung. Look you,
gentlemen, that’s she; behold her!
COUN. W. O my beloved strayer! I consume in thy absence.
LET. La, you now! You shall not say I’ll be proud to
you, gentlemen; I give you leave to salute her.—I’m
afraid of nothing now, but that she’ll utterly disgrace
’em, turn tail to ’em, and place their kisses behind
her. No, by my faith, she deceives me; by my troth,
sh’as kissed ’em both with her lips. I thank you for
that music, masters. ’Slid, they both court her at once;
and see, if she ha’ not the wit to stand still and let
’em! I think if two men were brewed into one, there is
that woman would drink ’em up both. [_Aside._
REAR. A coxcomb! he a courtier?
COUN. W. He says he has a place there.
SALE. So has the fool, a better place than he, and can
come where he dare not shew his head.
LET. Nay, hear you me, gentlemen——
SALE. I protest you were the last man we spoke on: we’re
a little busy yet; pray, stay there awhile; we’ll come
to you presently.
LET. This is good, i’faith: endure this, and be a slave
for ever! Since you neither savour of good breeding nor
bringing up, I’ll slice your hamstrings, but I’ll make
you shew mannerly. [_Aside._]—Pox on you, leave
courting: I ha’ not the heart to hurt an Englishman,
i’faith, or else——
SALE. What else?
LET. Prithee, let’s be merry; nothing else.—Here, fetch
some wine.
COUN. W. Let my servant go for’t.
LET. Yours? which is he?
FATH.[1051] This, sir.—But I scarce like my mistress
now: the loins can ne’er be safe where the flies be so
busy.
Wit, by experience bought, foils wit at school:
Who proves a deeper knave than a spent fool? [_Aside._
I am gone for your worship’s wine, sir. [_Exit._
HELL. Sir, you put up too much indignity; bring company
to cut your own throat. The fire is not yet so hot, that
you need two screens before it; ’tis but new kindled
yet: if ’twere risse[1052] to a flame, I could not blame
you then to put others before you; but, alas, all the
heat yet is comfortable; a cherisher, not a defacer!
LET. Prithee, let ’em alone; they’ll be ashamed on’t
anon, I trow, if they have any grace in ’em.
HELL. I’d fain have him quarrel, fight, and be assuredly
killed, that I might beg his place, for there’s ne’er a
one void yet. [_Aside._

_Enter_ SHORTYARD _and_ EASY.

COUN. W. You’ll make him mad anon.
SALE. ’Tis to that end.
SHO. Yet at last master Quomodo is as firm as his
promise.
EASY. Did I not tell you still he would?
SHO. Let me see; I am seven hundred pound in bond now to
the rascal.
EASY. Nay, you’re no less, master Blastfield; look to’t.
By my troth, I must needs confess, sir, you ha’ been
uncommonly kind to me since I ha’ been in town: but
master Alsup shall know on’t.
SHO. That’s my ambition, sir.
EASY. I beseech you, sir,—
Stay, this is Lethe’s haunt; see, we have catch’d him.
LET. Master Blastfield and master Easy? you’re kind
gentlemen both.
SHO. Is that the beauty you famed so?
LET. The same.
SHO. Who be those so industrious about her?
LET. Rearage and Salewood: I’ll tell you the
unmannerliest trick of ’em that ever you heard in your
life.
SHO. Prithee, what’s that?
LET. I invited ’em hither to look upon her; brought ’em
along with me; gave ’em leave to salute her in kindness:
what do they but most saucily fall in love with her,
very impudently court her for themselves, and, like two
crafty attorneys, finding a hole in my lease, go about
to defeat me of my right?
SHO. Ha’ they so little conscience?
LET. The most uncivilest part that you have seen! I know
they’ll be sorry for’t when they have done; for there’s
no man but gives a sigh after his sin of women; I know
it by myself.
SHO. You parcel of a rude, saucy, and unmannerly
nation——
LET. One good thing in him, he’ll tell ’em on’t roundly.
[_Aside._
SHO. Cannot a gentleman purchase a little fire to thaw
his appetite by, but must you, that have been daily
singed in the flame, be as greedy to beguile him on’t?
How can it appear in you but maliciously, and that you
go about to engross hell to yourselves? heaven forbid
that you should not suffer a stranger to come in! the
devil himself is not so unmannerly. I do not think but
some of them rather will be wise enough to beg offices
there before you, and keep you out; marry, all the spite
will be, they cannot sell ’em again.
EASY. Come, are you not to blame? not to give place,—
To us, I mean.
LET. A worse and[1053] worse disgrace!
COUN. W. Nay, gentlemen, you wrong us both then: stand
from me; I protest I’ll draw my silver bodkin upon you.
SHO. Clubs, clubs![1054]—Gentlemen, stand upon your
guard.
COUN. W. A gentlewoman must swagger a little now and
then, I perceive; there would be no civility in her
chamber else. Though it be my hard fortune to have my
keeper there a coward, the thing that’s kept is a
gentlewoman born.
SHO. And, to conclude, a coward, infallible of your
side: why do you think, i’faith, I took you to be a
coward? do I think you’ll turn your back to any man
living? you’ll be whipt first.
EASY. And then indeed she turns her back to some man
living.
SHO. But that man shews himself a knave, for he dares
not shew his own face when he does it; for some of the
common council in Henry the Eighth’s days thought it
modesty at that time that one vizzard should look upon
another.
EASY. ’Twas honestly considered of ’em, i’faith.

_Enter_ MOTHER GRUEL.

SHO. How now? what piece of stuff comes here?
LET. Now, some good news yet to recover my repute, and
grace me in this company. [_Aside._]—Gentlemen, are we
friends among ourselves?
SHO. United.

_Re-enter Father with wine._

LET. Then here comes Rhenish to confirm our
amity.—Wagtail, salute them all; they are friends.
COUN. W. Then, saving my quarrel, to you all.
SHO. To’s all. [_They drink._
COUN. W. Now beshrew your hearts, and[1055] you do not.
SHO. To sweet master Lethe.
LET. Let it flow this way, dear master
Blastfield.—Gentlemen, to you all.
SHO. This Rhenish wine is like the scouring stick to a
gun, it makes the barrel clear; it has an excellent
virtue, it keeps all the sinks in man and woman’s body
sweet in June and July; and, to say truth, if ditches
were not cast once a-year, and drabs once a-month, there
would be no abiding i’ th’ city.
LET. Gentlemen, I’ll make you privy to a letter I sent.
SHO. A letter comes well after privy; it makes amends.
LET. There’s one Quomodo a draper’s daughter in town,
whom for her happy portion I wealthily affect.
REAR. And not for love?—This makes for me his rival:
Bear witness. [_To_ SALEWOOD.
LET. The father does elect me for the man,
The daughter says the same.
SHO. Are you not well?
LET. Yes, all but for the mother; she’s my sickness.
SHO. Byrlady,[1056] and the mother[1057] is a pestilent,
wilful, troublesome sickness, I can tell you, if she
light upon you handsomely.
LET. I find it so: she for a stranger pleads,
Whose name I ha’ not learn’d.
REAR. And e’en now he called me by it. [_Aside._
LET. Now, as my letter told her, since only her consent
kept aloof off,[1058] what might I think on’t but that
she merely[1059] doted upon me herself?
SHO. Very assuredly.
SALE. This makes still for you.
SHO. Did you let it go so, i’faith?
LET. You may believe it, sir.—Now, what says her answer?
SHO. Ay, her answer.
MOTH. G. She says you’re a base, proud knave, and[1060]
like your worship.
LET. How!
SHO. Nay, hear out her answer, or there’s no goodness in
you.
MOTH. G. You ha’ forgot, she says, in what pickle your
worship came up, and brought two of your friends to give
their words for a suit of green kersey.
LET. Drudge, peace, or——
SHO. Shew yourself a gentleman: she had the patience to
read your letter, which was as bad as this can be: what
will she think on’t? not hear her answer!—Speak, good
his drudge.
MOTH. G. And as for her daughter, she hopes she’ll be
ruled by her in time, and not be carried away with a
cast of manchets,[1061] a bottle of wine, and a custard;
which once made her daughter sick, because you came by
it with a bad conscience.
LET. Gentlemen, I’m all in a sweat.
SHO. That’s very wholesome for your body: nay, you must
keep in your arms.
MOTH. G. Then she demanded of me whether I was your
worship’s aunt[1062] or no?
LET. Out, out, out!
MOTH. G. Alas, said I, I am a poor drudge of his! Faith,
and[1063] thou wert his mother, quoth she, he’d make
thee his drudge, I warrant him. Marry, out upon him,
quoth I, an’t like your worship.
LET. Horror, horror! I’m smothered: let me go; torment
me not. [_Exit._
SHO. And[1064] you love me, let’s follow him, gentlemen.
REAR. _and_ SALE. Agreed. [_Exeunt._
SHO. I count a hundred pound well spent to pursue a good
jest, master Easy.
EASY. By my troth, I begin to bear that mind too.
SHO. Well said, i’faith: hang money! good jests are
worth silver at all times.
EASY. They’re worth gold, master Blastfield.
[_Exeunt all except Country Wench and her Father._
COUN. W. Do you deceive me so? Are you toward marriage,
i’faith, master Lethe? it shall go hard but I’ll forbid
the banes:[1065] I’ll send a messenger into your bones,
another into your purse, but I’ll do’t. [_Exit._
FA. Thou fair and wicked creature, steept in art!
Beauteous and fresh, the soul the foulest part.
A common filth is like a house possest,
Where, if not spoil’d, you’ll come out ’fraid at least.
This service likes[1066] not me: though I rest poor,
I hate the basest use to screen a whore.
The human stroke ne’er made him; he that can
Be bawd to woman never leapt from man;
Some monster won his mother.
I wish’d my poor child hither; doubled wrong!
A month and such a mistress were too long.
Yet here awhile in others’ lives I’ll see
How former follies did appear in me. [_Exit._

SCENE II.

_A Street._

_Enter_ EASY _and Boy_.

EASY. Boy.
BOY. Anon, sir.
EASY. Where left you master Blastfield, your master, say
you?
BOY. An hour since I left him in Paul’s,[1067] sir:—but
you’ll not find him the same man again next time you
meet him. [_Aside._
EASY. Methinks I have no being without his company; ’tis
so full of kindness and delight: I hold him to be the
only companion in earth.
BOY. Ay, as companions go now-a-days, that help to spend
a man’s money. [_Aside._
EASY. So full of nimble wit, various discourse, pregnant
apprehension, and uncommon entertainment! he might keep
company with any lord for his grace.
BOY. Ay, with any lord that were past it. [_Aside._
EASY. And such a good, free-hearted, honest, affable
kind of gentleman.—Come, boy, a heaviness will possess
me till I see him. [_Exit._
BOY. But you’ll find yourself heavier then, by a seven
hundred pound weight. Alas, poor birds that cannot keep
the sweet country, where they fly at pleasure, but must
needs come to London to have their wings clipt, and are
fain to go hopping home again! [_Exit._

SCENE III.

_A Street near St. Paul’s._

_Enter_ SHORTYARD _and_ FALSELIGHT _disguised as a
Sergeant and a Yeoman_.

SHO. So, no man is so impudent to deny that:
spirits[1068] can change their shapes, and soonest of
all into sergeants, because they are cousin-germans to
spirits; for there’s but two kind of arrests till
doomsday,—the devil for the soul, the sergeant for the
body; but afterward the devil arrests body and soul,
sergeant and all, if they be knaves still and deserve
it. Now, my yeoman Falselight.
FAL. I attend you, good sergeant Shortyard.
SNO. No more master Blastfield now. Poor Easy, hardly
beset!
FAL. But how if he should go to prison? we’re in a mad
state then, being not sergeants.
SHO. Never let it come near thy belief that he’ll take
prison, or stand out in law, knowing the debt to be due,
but still expect the presence of master Blastfield, kind
master Blastfield, worshipful master Blastfield; and at
the last——
BOY. [_within_]. Master Shortyard, master Falselight!
SHO. The boy? a warning-piece.[1069] See where he comes.

_Enter_ EASY _and Boy_.

EASY. Is not in Paul’s.
BOY. He is not far off sure, sir.
EASY. When was his hour, sayst thou?
BOY. Two, sir.
EASY. Why, two has struck.
BOY. No, sir, they are now a-striking.
SHO. Master Richard Easy of Essex, we arrest you.
EASY. Hah?
BOY. Alas, a surgeon! he’s hurt i’ th’ shoulder.
[_Exit._
SHO. Deliver your weapons quietly, sir.
EASY. Why, what’s the matter?
SHO. You’re arrested at the suit of master Quomodo.
EASY. Master Quomodo?
SHO. How strange you make it! You’re a landed gentleman,
sir, I know;[1070] ’tis but a trifle, a bond of seven
hundred pound.
EASY. La, I knew[1071] you had mistook; you should
arrest
One master Blastfield; ’tis his bond, his debt.
SHO. Is not your name there?
EASY. True, for fashion’s sake.
SHO. Why, and ’tis for fashion’s sake that we arrest
you.
EASY. Nay, and[1072] it be no more, I yield to that: I
know master Blastfield will see me take no injury as
long as I’m in town, for master Alsup’s sake.
SHO. Who’s that, sir?
EASY. An honest gentleman in Essex.
SHO. O, in Essex? I thought you had been in London,
where now your business lies: honesty from Essex will be
a great while a-coming, sir; you should look out an
honest pair of citizens.
EASY. Alas, sir, I know not where to find ’em!
SHO. No? there’s enow in town.
EASY. I know not one, by my troth; I am a mere stranger
for these parts: master Quomodo is all, and the
honestest that I know.
SHO. To him then let’s set forward.—Yeoman Spiderman,
cast an eye about for master Blastfield.
EASY. Boy.—Alas, the poor boy was frighted away at
first!
SHO. Can you blame him, sir? we that daily fray away
knights, may fright away boys, I hope. [_Exeunt._

SCENE IV.

QUOMODO’s _Shop_.

_Enter_ QUOMODO _and Boy_; THOMASINE _watching above_.

QUO. Ha! have they him, sayst thou?
BOY. As sure as——
QUO. The land’s mine: that’s sure enough, boy.
Let me advance thee, knave, and give thee a kiss:
My plot’s so firm, I dare it now to miss.
Now shall I be divulg’d a landed man
Throughout the livery: one points, another whispers,
A third frets inwardly; let him fret and hang!
Especially his envy I shall have
That would be fain, yet cannot be a knave;
Like an old lecher[1073] girt in a[1074] furr’d gown,
Whose mind stands stiff, but his performance down.
Now come my golden days in. Whither is the worshipful
master Quomodo and his fair bedfellow rid forth? To his
land in Essex. Whence come[1075] those goodly load[s] of
logs? From his land in Essex. Where grows this pleasant
fruit, says one citizen’s wife in the row? At master
Quomodo’s orchard in Essex. O, O, does it so? I thank
you for that good news, i’faith.
BOY. Here they come with him, sir. [_Exit._
QUO. Grant me patience in my joys, that being so great,
I run not mad with ’em!

_Enter_ SHORTYARD _and_ FALSELIGHT _disguised as before,
bringing in_ EASY.

SHO. Bless master Quomodo!
QUO. How now, sergeants? who ha’ you brought me
here?—Master Easy!
EASY. Why, la you now, sergeants; did I not tell you you
mistook?
QUO. Did you not hear me say, I had rather ha’ had
master Blastfield, the more sufficient man a great deal?
SHO. Very true, sir; but this gentleman lighting into
our hands first——
QUO. Why did you so, sir?
SHO. We thought good to make use of that opportunity,
and hold him fast.
QUO. You did well in that, I must needs say, for your
own securities: but ’twas not my mind, master Easy, to
have you first; you must needs think so.
EASY. I dare swear that, master Quomodo.
QUO. But since you are come to me, I have no reason to
refuse you; I should shew little manners in that, sir.
EASY. But I hope you spake not in that sense, sir, to
impose the bond upon me?
QUO. By my troth, that’s my meaning, sir; you shall find
me an honest man; you see I mean what I say. Is not the
day past, the money untendered? you’d ha’ me live
uprightly, master Easy?
EASY. Why, sir, you know master Blastfield is the man.
QUO. Why, sir, I know master Blastfield is the man; but
is he any more than one man? Two entered into bond to
me, or I’m foully cozened.
EASY. You know my entrance was but for fashion sake.
QUO. Why, I’ll agree to you: you’ll grant ’tis the
fashion likewise, when the bond’s due, to have the money
paid again.
SHO. So we told him, sir, and that it lay in your
worship’s courtesy to arrest which you please.
QUO. Marry, does it, sir—these fellows know the
law—beside, you offered yourself into bond to me,
you know, when I had no stomach to you: now beshrew
your heart for your labour! I might ha’ had a good
substantial citizen, that would ha’ paid the sum
roundly, although I think you sufficient enough for
seven hundred pound: beside the forfeiture, I would
be loath to disgrace you so much before sergeants.
EASY. If you would ha’ the patience, sir, I do not think
but master Blastfield is at carrier’s receive the money.
QUO. He will prove the honester man then, and you the
better discharged. I wonder he should break with me;
’twas never his practice. You must not be angry with me
now, though you were somewhat hot when you entered into
bond; you may easily go in angrily, but you cannot come
out so.
EASY. No, the devil’s in’t for that!
SHO. Do you hear, sir? a’ my troth, we pity you: ha’ you
any store of crowns about you?
EASY. Faith, a poor store; yet they shall be at their
service that will strive to do me good.—We were both
drunk last night, and ne’er thought upon the bond.
[_Aside._
SHO. I must tell you this, you have fell into the hands
of a most merciless devourer, the very gull a’ the city:
should you offer him money, goods, or lands now, he’d
rather have your body in prison, he’s a’ such a nature.
EASY. Prison? we’re undone then!
SHO. He’s a’ such a nature, look; let him owe any man a
spite, what’s his course? he will lend him money to-day,
a’ purpose to ’rest him to-morrow.
EASY. Defend me!
SHO. Has at least sixteen at this instant proceeded in
both the counters;[1077] some bachelors,[1078] some
masters, some doctors of captivity of twenty years’
standing; and he desires nothing more than imprisonment.
EASY. Would master Blastfield would come away!
SHO. Ay, then things would not be as they are. What will
you say to us, if we procure you two substantial subsidy
citizens to bail you, spite on’s heart, and set you at
liberty to find out master Blastfield?
EASY. Sergeant, here, take all; I’ll be dear to you, do
but perform it.
SHO. Much![1079]
FAL.[1080] Enough, sweet sergeant; I hope I understand
thee.
SHO. I love to prevent the malice of such a rascal;
perhaps you might find master Blastfield to-night.
EASY. Why, we lie together, man; there’s the jest on’t.
SHO. Fie: and you’ll seek to secure your bail, because
they will be two citizens of good account, you must do
that for your credit sake.
EASY. I’ll be bound to save them harmless.
SHO. A pox on him, you cut his throat then: no words.
EASY. What’s it you require me, master Quomodo?
QUO. You know that before this time, I hope, sir;
present money, or present imprisonment.
SHO. I told you so.
EASY. We ne’er had money of you.
QUO. You had commodities, an’t please you.
EASY. Well, may I not crave so much liberty upon my
word, to seek out master Blastfield?
QUO. Yes, and[1081] you would not laugh at me: we are
sometimes gulls to gentlemen, I thank ’em; but gentlemen
are never gulls to us, I commend ’em.
SHO. Under your leave, master Quomodo, the gentleman
craves the furtherance of an hour; and it sorts well
with our occasion at this time, having a little urgent
business at Guildhall; at which minute we’ll return, and
see what agreement is made.
QUO. Nay, take him along with you, sergeant.
EASY. I’m undone then!
SHO. He’s your prisoner; and being safe in your house at
your own disposing, you cannot deny him such a request:
beside, he hath a little faith in master Blastfield’s
coming, sir.
QUO. Let me not be too long delayed, I charge you.
EASY.[1082] Not an hour, i’faith, sir.

[_Exeunt_ SHORTYARD _and_ FALSELIGHT.
QUO. O master Easy, of all men living I never dreamed
you would ha’ done me this injury! make me wound my
credit, fail in my commodities, bring[1083] my state
into suspicion! for the breaking of your day to me has
broken my day to others.
EASY. You tell me of that still which is no fault of
mine, master Quomodo.
QUO. O, what’s a man but his honesty, master Easy? and
that’s a fault amongst most of us all. Mark but this
note; I’ll give you good counsel now. As often as you
give your name to a bond, you must think you christen a
child, and take the charge on’t, too; for as the one,
the bigger it grows, the more cost it requires, so the
other, the longer it lies, the more charges it puts you
to. Only here’s the difference; a child must be broke,
and a bond must not; the more you break children, the
more you keep ’emunder; but the more you break bonds,
the more they’ll leap in your face; and therefore, to
conclude, I would never undertake to be gossip[1084] to
that bond which I would not see well brought up.
EASY. Say you so, sir? I’ll think upon your counsel
hereafter for’t.
QUO. Ah fool, thou shouldest ne’er ha’ tasted such wit,
but that I know ’tis too late! [_Aside._
THO. The more I grieve. [_Aside._
QUO. To put all this into the compass of a little hoop-
ring,—

Make this account, come better days or worse,
So many bonds abroad, so many boys at nurse.
EASY. A good medicine for a short memory: but since you
have entered so far, whose children are desperate debts,
I pray?
QUO. Faith, they are like the offsprings of stolen lust,
put to the hospital: their fathers are not to be found;
they are either too far abroad, or too close within: and
thus for your memory’s sake,—

The desperate debtor hence derives his name,
One that has neither money, land, nor fame;
All that he makes prove bastards, and not bands:[1085]
But such as yours at first are born to lands.
EASY. But all that I beget hereafter I’ll soon
disinherit, master Quomodo.
QUO. In the meantime, here’s a shrewd knave will
disinherit you. [_Aside._
EASY. Well, to put you out of all doubt, master Quomodo,
I’ll not trust to your courtesy; I ha’ sent for bail.
QUO. How? you’ve cozened me there, i’faith!
EASY. Since the worst comes to the worst, I have those
friends i’ th’ city, I hope, that will not suffer me to
lie for seven hundred pound.
QUO. And you told me you had no friends here at all: how
should a man trust you now?
EASY. That was but to try your courtesy, master Quomodo.
QUO. How unconscionably he gulls himself!
[_Aside._]—They must be wealthy subsidy-men, sir, at
least forty pound i’ th’ king’s books, I can tell you,
that do such a feat for you.

_Re-enter_ SHORTYARD _and_ FALSELIGHT, _disguised as
wealthy citizens in satin suits_.
EASY. Here they come, whatsoe’er they are.
QUO. Byrlady,[1086] alderman’s deputies!—I am very sorry
for you, sir; I cannot refuse such men.
SHO. Are you the gentleman in distress?
EASY. None more than myself, sir.
QUO. He speaks truer than he thinks; for if he knew the
hearts that owe[1087] those faces! A dark shop’s good
for somewhat.[1088] [_Aside._
EASY. That was all, sir.
SHO. And that’s enough; for by that means you have made
yourself liable to the bond, as well as that Basefield.
EASY. Blastfield, sir.
SHO. O, cry you mercy; ’tis Blastfield indeed.
EASY. But, under both your worships’ favours, I know
where to find him presently.
SHO. That’s all your refuge.

_Re-enter Boy._

BOY. News, good news, master Easy!
EASY. What, boy?
BOY. Master Blastfield, my master, has received a
thousand pound, and will be at his lodging at supper.
EASY. Happy news! Hear you that, master Quomodo?
QUO. ’Tis enough for you to hear that; you’re the
fortunate man, sir.
EASY. Not now, I beseech your good worships.
SHO. Gentleman, what’s your t’other name?
EASY. Easy.
SHO. O, master Easy. I would we could rather pleasure
you otherwise, master Easy; you should soon perceive it.
I’ll speak a proud word: we have pitied more gentlemen
in distress than any two citizens within the freedom;
but to be bail to seven hundred pound action is a matter
of shrewd weight.
EASY. I’ll be bound to secure you.
SHO. Tut, what’s your bond, sir?
EASY. Body, goods, and lands, immediately before master
Quomodo.
SHO. Shall we venture once again, that have been so
often undone by gentlemen?
FAL. I have no great stomach to’t; it will appear in us
more pity than wisdom.
EASY. Why should you say so, sir?
SHO. I like the gentleman’s face well; he does not look
as if he would deceive us.
EASY. O, not I, sir!
SHO. Come, we’ll make a desperate voyage once again;
we’ll try his honesty, and take his single bond, of
body, goods, and lands.
EASY. I dearly thank you, sir.
SHO. Master Quomodo——
QUO. Your worships.
SHO. We have took a course to set your prisoner free.
QUO. Your worships are good bail; you content me.
SHO. Come, then, and be a witness to a
recullisance.[1089]
QUO. With all my heart, sir.
SHO. Master Easy, you must have an especial care now to
find out that Blastfield.
EASY. I shall have him at my lodging, sir.
SHO. The suit will be followed against you else; master
Quomodo will come upon us, and forsake you.
EASY. I know that, sir.
SHO. Well, since I see you have such a good mind to be
honest, I’ll leave some greater affairs, and sweat with
you to find him myself.
EASY. Here then my misery ends:
A stranger’s kindness oft exceeds a friend’s. [_Exeunt._
THO. Thou art deceiv’d; thy misery but begins:
To beguile goodness is the core of sins.
My love is such unto thee, that I die
As often as thou drink’st up injury;
Yet have no means to warn thee from’t, for he
That sows in craft does reap in jealousy.

[_Exit above._

SCENE V.

_A Street._

_Enter_ REARAGE _and_ SALEWOOD.

REAR. Now the letter’s made up and all; it wants but
the print of a seal, and away it goes to master Quomodo.
Andrew Lethe is well whipt in’t; his name stands in a
white sheet here, and does penance for him.
SALE. You have shame enough against him, if that be
good.
REAR. First, as a contempt of that reverend ceremony he
has in hand, to wit, marriage.
SALE. Why do you say, to wit, marriage, when you know
there’s none will marry that’s wise?
REAR. Had it not more need then to have wit to put to’t,
if it be grown to a folly?
SALE. You’ve won; I’ll give’t you.
REAR. ’Tis no thanks now: but, as I was saying, as
a foul contempt to that sacred ceremony, he most
audaciously keeps a drab in town, and, to be free
from the interruption of blue beadles[1090] and
other bawdy officers, he most politicly lodges her
in a constable’s house.
SALE. That’s a pretty point, i’faith.
REAR. And so the watch, that should fetch her out, are
her chiefest guard to keep her in.
SALE. It must needs be; for look, how the constable
plays his conscience, the watchmen will follow the suit.
REAR. Why, well then.

_Enter_ EASY, _and_ SHORTYARD _disguised as
before_.[1091]

EASY. All night from me? he’s hurt, he’s made away!
SHO. Where shall we seek him now? you lead me fair
jaunts, sir.
EASY. Pray, keep a little patience, sir; I shall find
him at last, you shall see.
SHO. A citizen of my ease and substance to walk so long
a-foot!
EASY. You should ha’ had my horse, but that he has eaten
out his head, sir.
SHO. How? would you had me hold him by the tail, sir,
then?
EASY. Manners forbid! ’tis no part of my meaning, sir.
O, here’s master Rearage and master Salewood: now we
shall hear of him presently.—Gentlemen both.
SALE. Master Easy? how fare you, sir?
EASY. Very well in health. Did you see master Blastfield
this morning?
SALE. I was about to move it to you.
REAR. We were all three in a mind then.
SALE. I ha’ not set eye on him these two days.
REAR. I wonder he keeps so long from us, i’faith.
EASY. I begin to be sick.
SALE. Why, what’s the matter?
EASY. Nothing in troth, but a great desire I had to have
seen him.
REAR. I wonder you should miss on’t lately; you’re his
bedfellow.[1092]
EASY. I lay alone to-night, i’faith, I do not know how.
O, here comes master Lethe; he can despatch me.—

_Enter_ LETHE.

Master Lethe.
LET. What’s your name, sir? O, cry you mercy, master
Easy.
EASY. When parted you from master Blastfield, sir?
LET. Blastfield’s an ass: I have sought him these two
days to beat him.
EASY. Yourself all alone, sir?
LET. Ay, and three more. [_Exit._
SHO. I am glad I am where I am, then; I perceive ’twas
time of all hands. [_Aside._
REAR. Content, i’faith; let’s trace him.
[_Exit with_ SALEWOOD.
SHO. What, have you found him yet? neither? what’s to be
done now? I’ll venture my body no further for any
gentleman’s pleasure: I know not how soon I may be
called upon, and now to overheat myself——
EASY. I’m undone!
SHO. This is you that slept with him! you can make fools
of us; but I’ll turn you over to Quomodo for’t.
EASY. Good sir——
SHO. I’ll prevent mine own danger.
EASY. I beseech you, sir——
SHO. Though I love gentlemen well, I do not mean to be
undone for ’em.
EASY. Pray, sir, let me request you, sir; sweet sir, I
beseech you, sir—— [_Exeunt._