Chapter XXIV: Act II: Scene I

_An Ordinary._[988]

REARAGE, SALEWOOD, LETHE, EASY, _and_ SHORTYARD,
_discovered at dice: Boy attending_.

REAR. Gentlemen, I ha’ sworn I’ll change the room.
Dice? devils!
LET. You see I’m patient, gentlemen.
SALE. Ay, the fiend’s in’t! you’re patient; you put up
all.
REAR. Come, set me, gentlemen!
SHO. An Essex gentleman, sir.
EASY. An unfortunate one, sir.
SHO. I’m bold to salute you, sir: you know not master
Alsup there?
EASY. O, entirely well.
SHO. Indeed, sir?
EASY. He’s second to my bosom.
SHO. I’ll give you that comfort then, sir, you must not
want money as long as you are in town, sir.
EASY. No, sir?
SHO. I am bound in my love to him to see you furnished;
and in that comfort I recover my salute again, sir.
EASY. Then I desire to be more dear unto you.
SHO. I rather study to be dear unto you. [_Aside._]—Boy,
fill some wine.—I knew not what fair impressure[989] I
received at first, but I began to affect your society
very speedily.
EASY. I count myself the happier.
SHO. To master Alsup, sir; to whose remembrance I could
love to drink till I were past remembrance. [_Drinks._
EASY. I shall keep Christmas with him, sir, where your
health shall likewise undoubtedly be remembered; and
thereupon I pledge you. [_Drinks._] I would sue for your
name, sir.
SHO. Your suit shall end in one term, sir; my name is
Blastfield.
EASY. Kind master Blastfield, your dearer acquaintance.
[_Drinks._
REAR. Nay, come, will ye draw in, gentlemen? set me.
EASY. Faith, I’m scattered.
SHO. Sir, you shall not give out so meanly of yourself
in my company for a million: make such privy to your
disgrace! you’re a gentleman of fair fortunes; keep me
your reputation: set ’em all; there’s crowns for you.
[_Giving him money._
EASY. Sir, you bind me infinitely in these courtesies.
SHO. You must always have a care of your reputation here
in town, master Easy: although you ride down with
nothing, it skills[990] not.
EASY. I’m glad you tell me that yet, then I’m
indifferent.—Well, come; who throws? I set all these.
SHO. Why, well said.
SALE. This same master Lethe here begins to undo us
again.
LET. Ah, sir, I came not hither but to win!
SHO. And then you’ll leave us; that’s your fashion.
LET. He’s base that visits not his friends.
SHO. But he’s more base that carries out his winnings;
None will do so but those have base beginnings.
LET. It is a thing in use, and ever was.
I pass this time.
SHO. I wonder you should pass,
And that you’re suffer’d.
LET. Tut, the dice are ours;
Then wonder not at those that have most powers.
REAR. The devil and his angels!
LET. Are these they?
Welcome, dear angels![991] where you’re curs’d ne’er
stay.
SALE. Here’s luck!
EASY. Let’s search him, gentlemen; I think he wears a
smock.[992]
SHO. I knew the time he wore not half a shirt,
Just like a pea.
EASY. No? how did he for the rest?
SHO. Faith, he compounded with a couple of napkins at
Barnet, and so trussed up the lower parts.
EASY. ’Twas a pretty shift, i’faith!
SHO. But master Lethe has forgot that too.
EASY. A mischief on’t, to lose all! I could——
SHO. Nay, but, good master Easy, do not do yourself that
tyranny, I beseech you; I must not ha’ you alter your
body now for the purge of a little money: you undo me,
and[993] you do.

EASY. ’Twas all I brought up with me, I protest, master
Blastfield; all my rent till next quarter.
SHO. Pox of money! talk not on’t, I beseech you,—what
said I to you? mass, I am out of cash myself too.—Boy.
BOY. Anon, sir.
SHO. Run presently to master Gum the mercer, and
will[994], him to tell out two or three hundred pound
for me, or more, according as he is furnished: I’ll
visit him i’ th’ morning, say.
BOY. It shall be said, sir. [_Going._
SHO. Do you hear, boy?
BOY. Yes, sir.
SHO. If master Gum be not sufficiently ready, call upon
master Profit the goldsmith.
BOY. It shall be done, sir. [_Going._
SHO. Boy.
BOY. I knew[995] I was not sent yet; now is the time.
[_Aside._
SHO. Let them both rest till another occasion; you shall
not need to run so far at this time; take one nigher
hand; go to master Quomodo the draper, and will him to
furnish me instantly.
BOY. Now I go, sir. [_Exit._
EASY. It seems you’re well known, master Blastfield, and
your credit very spacious here i’ th’ city.
SHO. Master Easy, let a man bear himself portly, the
whorsons will creep to him a’ their bellies, and their
wives a’ their backs: there’s a kind of bold grace
expected throughout all the parts of a gentleman. Then
for your observances, a man must not so much as spit but
within line and fashion. I tell you what I ha’ done:
sometimes I carry my water all London over only to
deliver it proudly at the Standard;[996] and do I pass
altogether unnoted, think you? no, a man can no sooner
peep out his head but there’s a bow bent at him out of
some watch-tower or other.
EASY. So readily, sir?
SHO. Push,[997] you know a bow’s quickly ready, though a
gun be long a-charging, and will shoot five times to his
once. Come, you shall bear yourself jovially: take heed
of setting your looks to your losses, but rather smile
upon your ill luck, and invite ’em to-morrow to another
breakfast of bones.
EASY. Nay, I’ll forswear dicing.
SHO. What? peace, I am ashamed to hear you: will you
cease in the first loss? shew me one gentleman that e’er
did it. Fie upon’t, I must use you to company, I
perceive; you’d be spoiled else. Forswear dice! I would
your friends heard you, i’faith!
EASY. Nay, I was but in jest, sir.
SHO. I hope so: what would gentlemen say of you? there
goes a gull that keeps his money! I would not have such
a report go on you for the world, as long as you are in
my company. Why, man, fortune alters in a minute; I ha’
known those have recovered so much in an hour, their
purses were never sick after.
REAR. O, worse than consumption of the liver!
consumption of the patrimony!
SHO. How now? Mark their humours, master Easy.
REAR. Forgive me, my posterity yet ungotten!
SHO. That’s a penitent maudlin dicer.
REAR. Few know the sweets that the plain life allows:
Vild[998] son that surfeits of his father’s brows!
SHO. Laugh at him, master Easy.
EASY. Ha, ha, ha!
SALE. I’ll be damned, and[999] these be not the bones of
some quean that cozened me in her life, and now consumes
me after her death.
SHO. That’s the true wicked, blasphemous, and soul-
shuddering dicer, that will curse you all service-time,
and attribute his ill luck always to one drab or other!

_Enter_ HELLGILL.

LET. Dick Hellgill? the happy news.
HELL. I have her for you, sir.
LET. Peace: what is she?
HELL. Young, beautiful, and plump; a delicate piece of
sin.
LET. Of what parentage?
HELL. O, a gentlewoman of a great house.
LET. Fie, fie.
HELL. She newly came out of a barn—yet too good for a
tooth-drawer’s son. [_Aside._
LET. Is she wife or maid?
HELL. That which is daintiest, maid.
LET. I’d rather she’d been a wife.
HELL. A wife, sir? why?
LET. O, adultery is a great deal sweeter in my mind.
HELL. Diseases gnaw thy bones! [_Aside._
I think she has deserv’d to be a wife, sir.
LET. That will move well.
HELL. Her firstlings shall be mine:
Swine look but for the husks; the meat be thine.

_Re-enter Boy._

SHO. How now, boy?
BOY. Master Quomodo takes your worship’s greeting
exceeding kindly, and in his commendations returns this
answer, that your worship shall not be so apt to receive
it as he willing to lend it.
SHO. Why, we thank him, i’faith.
EASY. Troth, and you ha’ reason to thank him, sir; ’twas
a very friendly answer.
SHO. Push,[1000] a gentleman that keeps his days even
here i’ th’ city, as I myself watch to do, shall have
many of those answers in a twelvemonth, master Easy.
EASY. I promise you, sir, I admire your carriage, and
begin to hold a more reverend respect of you.
SHO. Not so, I beseech you; I give my friends leave to
be inward[1001] with me.—Will you walk, gentlemen?
LET. We’re for you.—
Present her with this jewel, my first token.
[_Giving jewel to_ HELLGILL.

_Enter Drawer._

DRA. There are certain countrymen without, inquiring
for master Rearage and master Salewood.
REAR. Tenants?
SALE. Thou revivest us, rascal.
REAR. When’s our next meeting, gentlemen?
SHO. To-morrow night;
This gentleman, by me, invites you all.—
Do you not, master Easy?
EASY. Freely, sir.
SALE. We do embrace your love.—A pure, fresh gull.
[_Aside._
SHO. Thus make you men at parting dutiful,
And rest beholding[1002] to you; ’tis the slight,[1003]
To be remember’d when you’re out of sight.
EASY. A pretty virtue! [_Exeunt._

SCENE II.

_A Street._

_Enter the Country Wench’s Father._

FATH. Where shall I seek her now? O, if she knew
The dangers that attend on women’s lives,
She’d[1004] rather lodge under a poor thatch’d roof
Than under carved ceilings! She was my joy,
And all content that I receiv’d from life,
My dear and only daughter.
What says the note she left? let me again
With staider grief peruse it.

[_Reads._] _Father, wonder not at my so sudden
departure, without your leave or knowledge. Thus, under
pardon, I excuse it: had you had knowledge of it, I know
you would have sought to restrain it, and hinder me from
what I have long desired. Being now happily preferred to
a gentleman’s service in London, about Holborn, if you
please to send, you may hear well of me._
As false as she is disobedient!
I’ve made larger inquiry, left no place
Where gentry keeps[1005] unsought, yet cannot hear;
Which drives me most into a shameful fear.
Woe worth th’ infected cause that makes me visit
This man-devouring city! where I spent
My unshapen youth, to be my age’s curse,
And surfeited away my name and state
In swinish riots, that now, being sober,
I do awake a beggar: I may hate her:
Whose youth voids wine, his age is curs’d with water.
O heavens, I know the price of ill too well!
What the confusions are in whom they dwell,
And how soon maids are to their ruins won,
One minute, and eternally undone;
So in mine may it: may it not be thus!
Though she be poor, her honour’s precious.
May be my present form, and her fond[1006] fear,
May chase her from me, if her eye should get me;
And therefore, as my love and wants advise,
I’ll serve, until I find her, in disguise.
Such is my care to fright her from base evils,
I leave calm state to live amongst you, devils.
[_Exit._

SCENE III.

QUOMODO’S _Shop_.

_Enter_ THOMASINE[1007] _and_ MOTHER GRUEL.

THO. Were these fit words, think you, to be sent to any
citizen’s wife,—to enjoy the daughter, and love the
mother too for a need? I would foully scorn that man
that should love me only for a need, I tell you. And
here the knave writes again, that by the marriage of my
daughter, ’a has the better means and opportunity to
myself: he lies in his throat, like a villain; he has no
opportunity of me for all that; ’tis for his betters to
have opportunity of me, and that he shall well know. A
base, proud knave! ’a has forgot how he came up and
brought two of his countrymen to give their words to my
husband for a suit of green kersey; ’a has forgot all
this: and how does he appear to me when his white satin
suit’s on, but like a maggot crept out of a nutshell—a
fair body and a foul neck: those parts that are covered
of him look[1008] indifferent well, because we cannot
see ’em; else, for all his cleansing, pruning, and
paring, he’s not worthy a broker’s daughter; and so tell
him.
MOTH. G. I will indeed, forsooth.
THO. And as for my child, I hope she’ll be ruled in
time, though she be foolish yet, and not be carried away
with a cast of manchets,[1009] a bottle of wine, or a
custard:[1010] and so, I pray, certify him.
MOTH. G. I’ll do your errand effectually.
THO. Art thou his aunt,[1011] or his——
MOTH. G. Alas, I am a poor drudge of his!
THO. Faith, and[1012] thou wert his mother, he would
make thee his drudge, I warrant him.
MOTH. G. Marry, out upon him! sir-reverence[1013] of
your mistress-ship.
THO. Here’s somewhat for thy pains: fare thee well.
[_Giving money._
MOTH. G. ’Tis more than he gave me since I came to him.
[_Exit._

_Enter_ QUOMODO _and_ SUSAN.

QUO. How now? what prating have we here? whispers?
dumbshows? Why, Thomasine, go to: my shop is not
altogether so dark[1014] as some of my neighbours’,
where a man may be made cuckold at one end, while he’s
measuring with his yard at t’other.
THO. Only commendations sent from master Lethe, your
worshipful son-in-law that should be.
QUO. O, and that you like not! he that can make us rich
in custom, strong in friends, happy in suits; bring us
into all the rooms a’ Sundays, from the leads to the
cellar; pop us in with venison till we crack again, and
send home the rest in an honourable napkin: this man you
like not, forsooth.
SUS. But I like him, father.
QUO. My blessing go with thy liking!
SUS. A number of our citizens hold our credit by’t, to
come home drunk, and say, we ha’ been at court: then how
much more credit is’t to be drunk there indeed!
QUO. Tut, thy mother’s a fool.—Pray, what’s master
Rearage, whom you plead for so?
THO. Why, first, he is a gentleman.
QUO. Ay, he’s often first a gentleman that’s last a
beggar.
SUS. My father tells you true: what should I do with a
gentleman? I know not which way to lie with him.
QUO. ’Tis true, too. Thou knowest, beside, we undo
gentlemen daily.
THO. That makes so few of ’em marry with our daughters,
unless it be one green fool or other. Next, master
Rearage has land and living; t’other but his walk i’ th’
street, and his snatching diet: he’s able to entertain
you in a fair house of his own; t’other in some nook or
corner, or place us behind the cloth,[1015] like a
company of puppets: at his house you shall be served
curiously, sit down and eat your meat with leisure;
there we must be glad to take it standing, and without
either salt, cloth, or trencher, and say we are
befriended too.
QUO. O, that gives a citizen a better appetite than his
garden.
SUS. So say I, father; methinks it does me most good
when I take it standing: I know not how all women’s
minds are.

_Enter_ FALSELIGHT.

QUO. Faith, I think they are all of thy mind for that
thing.—How now, Falselight?
FAL. I have descried my fellow Shortyard, alias
Blastfield, at hand with the gentleman.
QUO. O my sweet Shortyard!—Daughter, get you up to your
virginals.[1016] [_Exit_ SUSAN.]—By your leave, mistress
Quomodo——
THO. Why, I hope I may sit i’ th’ shop, may I not?
QUO. That you may, and welcome, sweet honey-thigh, but
not at this season; there’s a buck to be struck.
THO. Well, since I’m so expressly forbidden, I’ll watch
above i’ th’ gallery, but I’ll see your knavery.
[_Aside, and exit._
QUO. Be you prepared as I tell you.
FAL. You ne’er feared me. [_Retires._[1017]
QUO. O that sweet, neat, comely, proper, delicate,
parcel of land! like a fine gentlewoman i’ th’ waist,
not so great as pretty, pretty; the trees in summer
whistling, the silver waters by the banks harmoniously
gliding. I should have been a scholar; an excellent
place for a student; fit for my son that lately
commenced at Cambridge, whom now I have placed at inns
of court. Thus we that seldom get lands honestly, must
leave our heirs to inherit our knavery: but, whist; one
turn about my shop, and meet with ’em.

_Enter_ EASY _and_ SHORTYARD.

EASY. Is this it, sir?
SHO. Ay; let me see; this is it; sign of Three Knaves;
’tis it.
QUO. Do you hear, sir? what lack you,[1018] gentlemen?
see good kerseys or broadcloths here; I pray come
near—master Blastfield!
SHO. I thought you would know me anon.

_Enter_ THOMASINE _above_.

QUO. You’re exceeding welcome to town, sir: your
worship must pardon me; ’tis always misty weather in our
shops here; we are a nation the sun ne’er shines upon.
Came this gentleman with you?
SHO. O, salute him fairly; he’s a kind gentleman, a very
inward[1019] of mine.
QUO. Then I cry you mercy, sir; you’re especially
welcome.
EASY. I return you thanks, sir.
QUO. But how shall I do for you now, master Blastfield?
SHO. Why, what’s the matter?
QUO. It is my greatest affliction at this instant, I am
not able to furnish you.
SHO. How, master Quomodo? pray, say not so; ’slud, you
undo me then.
QUO. Upon my religion, master Blastfield, bonds lie
forfeit in my hands; I expect the receipt of a thousand
every hour, and cannot yet set eye of a penny.
SHO. That’s strange, methinks.
QUO. ’Tis mine own pity that plots against me, master
Blastfield; they know I have no conscience to take the
forfeiture, and that makes ’em so bold with my mercy.
EASY. I am sorry for this.
QUO. Nevertheless, if I might entreat your delay but the
age of three days, to express my sorrow now, I would
double the sum, and supply you with four or five
hundred.
SHO. Let me see; three days?
QUO. Ay, good sir, and[1020] it may be possible.
EASY. Do you hear, master Blastfield?
SHO. Hah?
EASY. You know I’ve already invited all the gallants to
sup with me to-night.
SHO. That’s true, i’faith.
EASY. ’Twill be my everlasting shame if I have no money
to maintain my bounty.
SHO. I ne’er thought upon that.—I looked still when that
should come from him. [_Aside._]—We have strictly
examined our expenses; it must not be three days, master
Quomodo.
QUO. No? then I’m afraid ’twill be my grief, sir.
EASY. Master Blastfield, I’ll tell you what you may do
now.
SHO. What, good sweet bedfellow?[1021]
EASY. Send to master Gum,[1022] or master Profit, the
mercer and goldsmith.

SHO. Mass, that was well remembered of thee.—I perceive
the trout will be a little troublesome ere he be
catched. [_Aside._]—Boy.

_Enter Boy._

BOY. Here, sir.
SHO. Run to master Gum, or master Profit, and carry my
present occasion of money to ’em.
BOY. I run, sir. [_Exit._
QUO. Methinks, master Blastfield, you might easily
attain to the satisfaction of three days: here’s a
gentleman, your friend, I dare say will see you
sufficiently possessed till then.
EASY. Not I, sir, by no means: master Blastfield knows
I’m further in want than himself: my hope rests all upon
him; it stands upon the loss of my credit to-night, if I
walk[1023] without money.
SHO. Why, master Quomodo, what a fruitless motion have
you put forth! you might well assure yourself this
gentleman had it not, if I wanted it: why, our purses
are brothers; we desire but equal fortunes: in a word,
we’re man and wife; they can but lie together, and so do
we.
EASY. As near as can be, i’faith.
SHO. And, to say truth, ’tis more for the continuing of
this gentleman’s credit in town, than any incitement
from mine own want only, that I covet to be so
immediately furnished: you shall hear him confess as
much himself.
EASY. ’Tis most certain, master Quomodo.

_Re-enter Boy._

ᚩSHO. O, here comes the boy now.—How now, boy? what says
master Gum or master Profit?
BOY. Sir, they’re both walked forth this frosty morning
to Brainford,[1024] to see a nurse-child.
SHO. A bastard be it! spite and shame!
EASY. Nay, never vex yourself, sweet master Blastfield.
SHO. Bewitched, I think.
QUO. Do you hear, sir? you can persuade with him?
EASY. A little, sir.
QUO. Rather than he should be altogether destitute, or
be too much a vexation to himself, he shall take up a
commodity[1025] of cloth of me, tell him.
EASY. Why, la! by my troth, ’twas kindly spoken.
QUO. Two hundred pounds’ worth, upon my religion, say.
SHO. So disastrously!
EASY. Nay, master Blastfield, you do not hear what
master Quomodo said since, like an honest, true citizen,
i’faith; rather than you should grow diseased[1026]
upon’t, you shall take up a commodity of two hundred
pounds’ worth of cloth.
SHO. The mealy moth consume it! would he ha’ me turn
pedlar now? what should I do with cloth?
QUO. He’s a very wilful gentleman at this time, i’faith:
he knows as well what to do with it as I myself, i-
wis.[1027] There’s no merchant in town but will be
greedy upon’t, and pay down money upo’ th’ nail; they’ll
despatch it over to Middleburgh presently, and raise
double commodity by exchange: if not, you know ’tis
term-time, and Michaelmas term too, the drapers’ harvest
for foot-cloths,[1028] riding-suits, walking-suits,
chamber-gowns, and hall-gowns.
EASY. Nay, I’ll say that, it comes in as fit a time as
can be.
QUO. Nay, take me with you[1029] again ere you go, sir:
I offer him no trash, tell him, but present money, say:
where[1030] I know some gentlemen in town ha’ been glad,
and are glad at this time, to take up commodities in
hawks’ hoods and brown paper.[1031]
EASY. O horrible! are there such fools in town?
QUO. I offer him no trash, tell him; upon my religion,
you may say.—Now, my sweet Shortyard; now the hungry
fish begins to nibble; one end of the worm is in his
mouth, i’faith. [_Aside._
THO. Why stand I here (as late our graceless
dames,[1032]
That found no eyes), to see that gentleman
Alive, in state and credit, executed,
Help to rip up himself does all he can?
Why am I wife to him that is no man?
I suffer in that gentleman’s confusion. [_Aside._
EASY. Nay, be persuaded in that, master Blastfield; ’tis
ready money at the merchant’s: beside, the winter season
and all falls in as pat as can be to help it.
SHO. Well, master Easy, none but you could have
persuaded me to that.—Come, would you would despatch
then, master Quomodo: where’s this cloth?
QUO. Full and whole within, all of this piece, of my
religion, master Blastfield. Feel’t; nay, feel’t, and
spare not, gentlemen, your fingers and your judgment.
SHO. Cloth’s good.
EASY. By my troth, exceeding good cloth; a good
wale[1033] ’t’as.
QUO. Falselight.
FAL. I’m ne’er out a’ the shop, sir.
QUO. Go, call in a porter presently, to carry away the
cloth with the star-mark.—Whither will you please to
have it carried, master Blastfield?
SHO. Faith, to master Beggarland, he’s the only merchant
now; or his brother, master Stilliarddown; there’s
little difference.
QUO. You’ve happened upon the money-men, sir; they and
some of their brethren, I can tell you, will not stick
to offer thirty thousand pound to be cursed still:
great monied men, their stocks lie in the poors’
throats. But you’ll see me sufficiently discharged,
master Blastfield, ere you depart?
SHO. You have always found me righteous in that.
QUO. Falselight.
FAL. Sir?
QUO. You may bring a scrivener along with you.
FAL. I’ll remember that, sir. [_Exit._
QUO. Have you sent for a citizen, master Blastfield?
SHO. No, faith, not yet.—Boy.
EASY. What must you do with a citizen, sir?
SHO. A custom they’re bound to a’ late by the default of
evil debtors; no citizen must lend money without two be
bound in the bond; the second man enters but for custom
sake.
EASY. No? and must he needs be a citizen?
SHO. By th’ mass, stay; I’ll learn that.—Master
Quomodo——
QUO. Sir?
SHO. Must the second party, that enters into bond only
for fashion’s sake, needs be a citizen? what say you to
this gentleman for one?
QUO. Alas, sir! you know he’s a mere stranger to me: I
neither am sure of his going or abiding; he may inn here
to-night, and ride away to-morrow: although I grant the
chief burden lies upon you, yet we are bound to make
choice of those we know, sir.
SHO. Why, he’s a gentleman of a pretty living, sir.
QUO. It may be so; yet, under both your pardons, I’d
rather have a citizen.
EASY. I hope you will not disparage me so: ’tis well
known I have three hundred pound a-year in Essex.
SHO. Well said; to him thyself, take him up roundly.
EASY. And how doubtfully soe’er you account of me, I do
not think but I might make my bond pass for a hundred
pound i’ th’ city.
QUO. What, alone, sir?
EASY. Alone, sir? who says so? perhaps I’d send down for
a tenant or two.
QUO. Ay, that’s another case, sir.
EASY. Another case let it be then.
QUO. Nay, grow not into anger, sir.
EASY. Not take me into a bond! as good as you shall,
goodman goosecap.
QUO. Well, master Blastfield, because I will not
disgrace the gentleman, I’m content for once; but we
must not make a practice on’t.
EASY. No, sir, now you would, you shall not.
QUO. Cuds me, I’m undone! he’s gone again. [_Aside._
SHO. The net’s broke. [_Aside._
THO. Hold there, dear gentleman! [_Aside._
EASY. Deny me that small courtesy! ’S foot, a very Jew
will not deny it me.
THO. Now must I catch him warily. [_Aside._
EASY. A jest indeed! not take me into a bond, quo’[1034]
they.
SHO. Master Easy, mark my words: if it stood not upon
the eternal loss of thy credit against supper——
EASY. Mass, that’s true.
SHO. The pawning of thy horse for his own victuals——
EASY. Right, i’faith.
SHO. And thy utter dissolution amongst gentlemen for
ever——
EASY. Pox on’t!
SHO. Quomodo should hang, rot, stink——
QUO. Sweet boy, i’faith! [_Aside._
SHO. Drop, damn.
QUO. Excellent Shortyard! [_Aside._
EASY. I forgot all this: what meant I to swagger before
I had money in my purse?—How does master Quomodo? is the
bond ready?
QUO. O sir!

_Enter_ DUSTBOX.

EASY. Come, we must be friends; here’s my hand.
QUO. Give it the scrivener: here he comes.
DUST. Good day, master Quomodo; good morrow, gentlemen.
QUO. We must require a little aid from your pen, good
master Dustbox.
DUST. What be the gentlemen’s names that are bound, sir?
QUO. [_while_ DUSTBOX _writes_.] Master John Blastfield,
esquire, i’ th’ wold[1035] of Kent: and—what do they
call your bedfellow’s[1036] name?
SHO. Master Richard Easy; you may easily hit on’t.
QUO. Master Richard Easy, of Essex, gentleman, both
bound to Ephestian Quomodo, citizen and draper, of
London; the sum, two hundred pound.—What time do you
take, master Blastfield, for the payment?
SHO. I never pass my month, you know.
QUO. I know it, sir: October sixteenth to-day; sixteenth
of November, say.
EASY. Is it your custom to return so soon, sir?
SHO. I never miss you.

_Enter_ FALSELIGHT, _disguised as a Porter, sweating_.

FAL. I am come for the rest of the same price,[1037]
master Quomodo.
QUO. Star-mark; this is it: are all the rest gone?
FAL. They’re all at master Stilliarddown’s by this time.
EASY. How the poor rascal’s all in a froth!
SHO. Push,[1038] they’re ordained to sweat for
gentlemen: porters’ backs and women’s bellies bear up
the world.
[_Exit_ FALSELIGHT _with the remainder of the cloth_.
EASY. ’Tis true, i’faith; they bear men and money, and
that’s the world.
SHO. You’ve found it, sir.
DUST. I’m ready to your hands, gentlemen.
SHO. Come, master Easy.
EASY. I beseech you, sir.
SHO. It shall be yours, I say.
EASY. Nay, pray, master Blastfield.
SHO. I will not, i’faith.
EASY. What do you mean, sir?
SHO. I should shew little bringing up, to take the way
of a stranger.
EASY. By my troth, you do yourself wrong though, master
Blastfield.
SHO. Not a whit, sir.
EASY. But to avoid strife, you shall have your will of
me for once.
SHO. Let it be so, I pray.
QUO. [_while_ EASY _signs the bond_.] Now I begin to set
one foot upon the land: methinks I am felling of trees
already: we shall have some Essex logs yet to keep
Christmas with,[1039] and that’s a comfort.
THO. Now is he quartering out; the executioner
Strides over him: with his own blood he writes:
I am no dame that can endure such sights.
[_Aside, and exit above._
SHO. So, his right wing is cut; will not fly far
Past the two city hazards, Poultry and Wood-
street.[1040] [_Aside._
EASY. How like you my Roman hand, i’faith?
DUST. Exceeding well, sir, but that you rest too much
upon your R, and make your ease too little.
EASY. I’ll mend that presently.
DUST. Nay, ’tis done now, past mending. [SHORTYARD
_signs the bond_.]—You both deliver this to master
Quomodo as your deed?
SHO. We do, sir.
QUO. I thank you, gentlemen.
SHO. Would the coin would come away now! we have
deserved for’t.

_Re-enter_ FALSELIGHT _disguised as before_.[1041]

FAL. By your leave a little, gentlemen.
SHO. How now? what’s the matter? speak.
FAL. As fast as I can, sir: all the cloth’s come back
again.
QUO. How?
SHO. What’s the news?
FAL. The passage to Middleburgh is stopt, and therefore
neither master Stilliarddown nor master Beggarland, nor
any other merchant, will deliver present money upon’t.
QUO. Why, what hard luck have you, gentlemen!
[_Exit_ FALSELIGHT.
EASY. Why, master Blastfield!
SHO. Pish!
EASY. You’re so discontented too presently, a man cannot
tell how to speak to you.
SHO. Why, what would you say?
EASY. We must make somewhat on’t now, sir.
SHO. Ay, where? how? the best is, it lies all upon my
neck.—Master Quomodo, can you help me to any money
for’t? speak.
QUO. Troth, master Blastfield, since myself is so
unfurnished, I know’ not the means how: there’s one i’
th’ street, a new setter up; if any lay out money
upon’t, ’twill be he.
SHO. His name?
QUO. Master Idem: but you know we cannot give but
greatly to your loss, because we gain and live by’t.
SHO. ’S foot, will he give any thing?
EASY. Ay, stand upon that.
SHO. Will he give any thing? the brokers will give
nothing: to no purpose.
QUO. Falselight.

_Re-enter_ FALSELIGHT _above_.

FAL. Over your head, sir.
QUO. Desire master Idem to come presently, and look upo’
th’ cloth.
FAL. I will, sir. [_Exit above._
SHO. What if he should offer but a hundred pound?
EASY. If he want twenty on’t, let’s take it.
SHO. Say you so?
EASY. Master Quomodo, he[1042] will have four or five
hundred pound for you of his own within three or four
days.

_Enter_ THOMASINE.

SHO. ’Tis true, he said so indeed.
EASY. Is that your wife, master Quomodo?
QUO. That’s she, little Thomasine.
EASY. Under your leave, sir, I’ll shew myself a
gentleman.
QUO. Do, and welcome, master Easy.
EASY. I have commission for what I do, lady, from your
husband. [_Kisses her._
THO. You may have a stronger commission for the next,
an’t please you, that’s from myself.

_Enter_ SIM.

EASY. You teach me the best law, lady.
THO. Beshrew my blood, a proper springall[1043] and a
sweet gentleman. [_Aside, and exit._
QUO. My son, Sim Quomodo:—here’s more work for you,
master Easy; you must salute him too,—for he’s like to
be heir of thy land, I can tell thee. [_Aside._
SIM. _Vim, vitam, spemque salutem._
QUO. He shews you there he was a Cambridge man, sir; but
now he’s a Templar: has he not good grace to make a
lawyer?
EASY. A very good grace to make a lawyer.
SHO. For indeed he has no grace at all. [_Aside._
QUO. Some gave me counsel to make him a divine——
EASY. Fie, fie.
QUO. But some of our livery think it an unfit thing,
that our own sons should tell us of our vices: others to
make him a physician; but then, being my heir, I’m
afraid he would make me away: now, a lawyer they’re all
willing to, because ’tis good for our trade, and
increaseth the number of cloth gowns; and indeed ’tis
the fittest for a citizen’s son, for our word is, What
do ye lack?[1044] and their word is, What do you give?
EASY. Exceeding proper.

_Re-enter_ FALSELIGHT _disguised as_ IDEM.

QUO. Master Idem, welcome.
FAL. I have seen the cloth, sir.
QUO. Very well.
FAL. I am but a young setter up; the uttermost I dare
venture upon’t is threescore pound.
SHO. What?
FAL. If it be for me so, I am for it; if not, you have
your cloth, and I have my money.
EASY. Nay, pray, master Blastfield, refuse not his kind
offer.
SHO. A bargain then, master Idem, clap hands.—He’s
finely cheated! [_Aside._]—Come, let’s all to the next
tavern, and see the money paid.
EASY. A match.
QUO. I follow you, gentlemen; take my son along with
you. [_Exeunt all but_ QUOMODO.]—Now to my keys: I’m
master Idem, he[1045] must fetch the money. First have I
caught him in a bond for two hundred pound, and my two
hundred pounds’ worth a’ cloth again for threescore
pound. Admire me, all you students at inns of cozenage.
[_Exit._