Chapter X: Part 10

1067. A traveller relating some of his adventures, told the company, that he and his servant made fifty wild Arabians run; which exciting surprise, he observed there was no such great matter in it; for, said he, we ran, and they ran after us.

1068. A certain young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age? To which question he immediately replied, Perhaps they took no physic.

1069. Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by Robert Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number. A sensible countryman pointed out the positions of both armies, the stone where the Bruce’s standard was fixed during the battle, &c. Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentleman, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown-piece. Na, na, said the honest man, returning the money, keep your crown-piece; the English hae paid dear enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn.

1070. Soon after Dr. Johnson’s return from Scotland to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she asked him if it was good? To which he replied, Very good for hogs! Then, pray, said the lady, let me help you to a little more.

1071. A noble lord a short time ago applied to a pawn-broker to lend him 1000 guineas on his wife’s jewels, for which he had paid 4000. Take the articles to pieces, said his lordship, number the stones, and put false ones in their place, my lady will not distinguish them. You are too late, my lord, said the pawnbroker; your lady has stolen a march upon you; these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of her ladyship a twelvemonth ago.

1072. A common councilman’s lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the schoolmistress answered, Pretty good, madam, miss is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a capacity; but for that deficiency, you know we must not blame her. No, madam, replied the mother; but I blame you for not having mentioned it before. Her father, thank goodness, can afford his daughter anything, and I desire that a capacity may be bought immediately, cost what it may.

1073. A tanner near Swaff’ham, in Norfolk, invited the supervisor to dine with him, and after pushing the bottle about briskly, the supervisor took his leave; but, in passing through the tan yard, he unfortunately fell into a pit, and called lustily to the tanner to get him out. Can’t, said the tanner; if I draw any hides without giving twelve hours notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined; but I’ll go and inform the excise.

1074. As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was one day taking his ride, and being, according to his own idea, a person of no small consequence, he thought proper to show it by riding on the foot-path. Meeting a plain farmer-looking man, he ordered him imperiously to get out of his way. Sir, said the other, I don’t understand this: I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have a right to walk. Do you know, sir, said Mr. Reynell, to whom you speak? I do not, indeed. Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of Edinburgh. Well, sir, but that certainly does not entitle you to ride on the footpath, and to drive a humble pedestrian off it. Why, sir, I am a trustee of this road. If you are, you are a very bad one. You are a very impudent fellow―who are you, sir? I am John, Duke of Montague. It is almost unnecessary to add that the haughty laird, after a very awkward apology, sneaked into the main road.

1075. Lord Norbury was asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, and he was answered, it was because Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately; when his lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines―

Hope told a flattering tale,
That Joy would soon return.

1076. An Irish officer in Minorca was found by a gentleman who came to visit him in a morning a little ruffled, and being asked the reason, he replied he had lost a pair of fine black silk stockings out of his room, that cost eighteen shillings; but he hoped he should get them again, for he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of half-a-crown to the person who brought them. His friend observing that this was too poor a recompense for such a pair of silk stockings: Pooh, man, replied he, I directed the crier to say they were worsted.

1077. A young man having asked an Hibernian who was looked up to as a scholar, what was meant by the posthumous works of such a writer? Why, said the other, posthumous works are those books which a man writes after he is dead.

1078. As you do not belong to my parish, said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, you cannot expect that I should relieve you. Sir, said the sailor, with a noble air, I lost my leg fighting for all parishes.

1079. Henry IV. of France, passing through a small town, perceived the inhabitants assembled to congratulate him on his arrival. Just as the principal magistrate had commenced a tedious oration, an ass began to bray; on which the king, turning towards the place where the noisy animal was, said gravely, Gentlemen, one at a time, if you please.

1080. Henry IV. to an excellent wit, added most amiable manners, and a most captivating address. On General Armand de Biron coming into his presence, when he was surrounded by some foreign ambassadors, the king immediately took Biron by the hand, and said, Gentlemen, this is Marshal Biron, whom I present with equal pleasure and confidence to my friends as well as my enemies.

1081. The benevolent Dr. Wilson once discovered a clergyman at Bath, who he was informed was sick, poor, and had a numerous family. In the evening, he gave a friend fifty pounds, requesting he would deliver it in the most delicate manner, and as from an unknown person. The friend replied, I will wait upon him early in the morning. You will oblige me by calling directly. Think, sir, of what importance a good night’s rest may be to that poor man.

1082. In a lawsuit respecting boundaries, the counsel on both sides explained their claims on a plan―My lord, said one, we lie on this side: and the other said, My lord, we lie on this side. Nay, said the judge, if you lie on both sides, I can believe neither of you.

1083. The celebrated Henry, Earl of Worcester, once observing the enemy leaving the field, turned round and said, I love to see my own danger, especially when it is marching off.

1084. The earl once calling for a glass of claret, was told by his physician, that claret was bad for the gout. What, my old friend claret! nay, give it me in spite of all physicians and their advice; it shall never be said that I forsook my friend for my enemy.

1085. One was telling the earl, how strangely he had escaped a shot, by the bar of a window. A musket bullet had hit full against the edge of an iron bar of a chamber-window, so that the bullet was split in two, one half flying by on one side and the other on the other. The earl hearing this, asked in what room it was, and was answered, in the cross-barred room; upon which he answered, You will now believe me, how safe it is to stand before the cross, when you face your enemy.

1086. Charles II. hearing a high character of a preacher in the country, attended one of his sermons. Expressing his dissatisfaction, one of the courtiers replied, that the preacher was applauded to the skies by the congregation. Ay! observed the king, I suppose his nonsense suits their nonsense.

1087. Some one once asked Bruce what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question; and at last said, I think I saw one lyre there. George Selwyn whispered the man sitting next him, Yes, and there is one less since he left the country.

1088. The attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. I have heard of a lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor’s leg: his mistress thus expressed her compassion, Poor dear little creature, I hope it will not make him sick.

1089. A Frenchman, a farmer of the duty upon salt, (farmed in France, as post horses are in England,) had built a most magnificent villa; displaying it to his friends, it was observed that a statue was wanting for a large niche in the vestibule. I mean to put there, said the owner, some allegorical statue relating to my business. You may put then Lot’s wife, who was changed to a statue of salt, answered one of his friends.

1090. A master of a ship called down into the hold, Who is there? Will, sir, was the answer. What are you doing? Nothing, sir. Is Tom there? Yes, answered Tom. What are you doing? Helping Will, sir.

1091. Two gentlemen coming into a tavern, one of them called for a bottle of claret: Why, do you love claret? said the other; for my part, I’ll see it burnt before I drink a drop.

1092. One whose name was Pippin, being dressed in a green suit, chanced to meet his friend, who, at his first salute, told him, It was a rare thing to see a green Pippin on Christmas day.

1093. A certain gentleman was mightily taken with a lady of the name of Wall, who was in the habit of painting a good deal. His friends tried to persuade him from going near her, saying, they wondered at a man of his taste setting his affections on a Painted Wall.

1094. Musicians ought to be compared to chameleons. Why? Because they live on airs.

1095. One said a good client was like a study gown, sits himself in the cold, and keeps his lawyer warm.

1096. A fellow whose name was Hog was convicted of felony before Lord Bacon, then judge of assize; he used several unimportant arguments with his lordship before sentence was pronounced, and, none prevailing, he told him he was near of kin to him. How, to me? said the judge. Yes, answered the fellow, for your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog. Oh! then, replied his lordship, you will never be good Bacon till you are hanged.

1097. One being at supper at a friend’s house, (it chanced that there was mutton and capers for supper,) fell into a discourse upon dancing, saying, that he loved it better than any other kind of recreation. By and bye, taking notice of the capers, which he had never seen before, took one upon his trencher, cut it in the middle, and put the half of it in his mouth. The master of the house observing it, said, Sir, it seems you do love dancing well, when you cannot forbear cutting a caper at supper.

1098. Scriveners must be hard-hearted men, said Lord Adolphus F. Why? Since they never rejoice more than when they put other men in bonds.

1099. An ignorant drunken surgeon, that had killed most of his patients, boasted himself a better man than the parson; For, said he, your cures maintain but yourself, but my cures maintain all the sextons in the town.

1100. One threatened to break another’s head with a stone. Don’t try, said Lord Alvanley, you will hurt the stone.

1101. A patient man being domineered over by his wife, who was always ill-treating him, desired her to tear his band, for he would gladly wear it without cuffs.

1102. One said to his friend that had been speaking, I love to hear a man talk nonsense. The other answered, I know you love to hear yourself talk as well as any man.

1103. One asked the reason why lawyers’ clerks wrote such wide lines. Another answered, it was done to keep the peace; for if the plaintiff should be in one line and the defendant in the next, the lines being too near together, they might fall together by the ears.

1104. One hearing a usurer say he had been on the Peak of Teneriffe, asked him why he had not stayed there, for he was persuaded he would never get so near heaven again.

1105. One having drunk a cup of very flat beer, declared that the beer was more than foxed. Upon being asked his reason, he declared, it was dead drunk.

1106. One saw a man and his wife fighting; the people asked him, why he did not part them. He answered, That he was too well bred to part man and wife.

1107. One seeing another wear a threadbare cloak, asked him, whether his cloak was not sleepy? Why do you ask? said his friend. Because, I am sure it has not had a nap this seven years.

1108. A lawsuit being referred to a gentleman, the plaintiff, who had the equity of the cause on his side, presented him with a new carriage, the defendant with a couple of horses. The arbitrator liking the horses better than the coach, gave sentence on the defendant’s side. The plaintiff called on him, and asked how it came to pass the coach went out of the right way? He answered, He could not help it, the horses had drawn it so.

1109. A saucy fellow named Jack, abusing a gentleman whose name was Fisher, the gentleman struck him, for which, being reproved and threatened with an action, he said, Is it not lawful for a Fisher to strike a Jack?

1110. A person had a picture of the Seven Senses stolen out of his house: whereupon he came to a justice and desired that the thieves might be bound to the peace: For what? For stealing my senses. I thought so, said the justice, you talk so idly.

1111. A woman was commending a boy’s face: Give me a man’s, quoth another, a boy’s is not worth a hair.

1112. A gentleman whose name was Stone, falling off his horse, in crossing a river, into deep water, out of which he got not without some danger: his companions laughed at his mischance, and being reproved, answered, That there was no man but would laugh to see a Stone swim.

1113. One being about to write the superscription of a letter to his mistress, asked a scholar what terms were best to give her,―who told him, “the Venus, lass of his affections,” was good; he mistaking, wrote, To the Venice-glass of his affections.

1114. A drunken fellow returning home towards evening, found his wife hard at her spinning; she, reproving him for his ill husbandry, and commending herself for her good housewifery, he told her that she had no great cause to chide, for as she had been spinning at home, he had been reeling abroad.

1115. One that was skilled in writing short-hand promised a lawyer’s clerk to teach him his skill, who thanked him, and said they could not live by making short-hand of anything.

1116. A company of gentlemen in a tavern, amongst the rest, one whose name was Bramble, quarrelled and fell to blows; one of these got his face cut by the said Bramble; upon going home, and being asked the cause of his face bleeding so, No great harm, replied he, only a Bramble by chance scratched me.

1117. A rude overbearing young man was placed by his friends with a proctor, who observing the misbehaviour of the youth, told his parents he feared their son would never make a civil lawyer.

1118. One having a play-book called The Wits, which he valued much, by chance lost it; but while he was chafing and swearing about the loss of his book, in came one of his friends, who asking the cause of his disquiet, was answered, That he had lost his wits.

1119. One wondered why there were so many pickpockets about the streets, notwithstanding a watch was at every corner. It was answered, that was all one, a pickpocket would as gladly meet a watch as anything else.

1120. During the siege of a castle, when the besieged were hard pressed, a lady, one of the defenders, was remarking, that the colours that hung upon one of the towers, were one of her bed-curtains. To which a person replied, Madam, I wish you would set up the little boy, (who stands up over the curtain,) on the top of that tower, that we might see whether he would drive away all those men with his bow and arrows. To which the lady replied, Cupid never raises a siege.

1121. A great eater was once boasting that he was a great wit, saying, The world knew him to be “all wit:” one standing by, that knew him very well, said, Is it possible that you are taken for a wit! if so, your anagram is wit-all.

1122. Two being in a tavern together, one swore the other should pledge him, Why then, quoth the other, I will;―and presently went down stairs and left him for the reckoning.

1123. A drunken fellow passing by a shop asked a ’prentice boy, What their sign was? He answered, it was a sign he was drunk.

1124. It was said by one, a barber had need be honest and trusty, because, whoever employed him, though it was but for a hair matter, put his life into his hands.

1125. It has been said, that a tooth-drawer was an unconscionable trade, because his business was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living.

1126. Of all knaves, there is the greatest hope for a cobbler, for be he ever so idle, yet when he does anything, he is always mending.

1127. It being demanded of a wild young man, why he wished to sell his lands? He answered, because he hoped to go to heaven, which he could not possibly do till he forsook the earth.

1128. A merry fellow said, The ale-house was the only place to thrive in, for he had known many a score made there.

1129. A rich stationer wished himself a scholar, to whom one answered, That he was one already, being _doctus in libris_. Nay, said the stationer, I am but _dives in libris_―(meaning rich in pounds.)

1130. Before Derrick was master of the ceremonies at Bath, he went to Cambridge on a visit; his friends made him so welcome, that, owing to hard drinking, he could never rise till dinner-time; being one day asked how he liked the place? he replied, Very well, but that there was no forenoon at it.

1131. A lady having a dispute with Mr. Derrick, told him by way of joke, that if he did not give up the argument, she would put him in her patch-box. Madam, said he, you are at full liberty to do so; and should you condescend to use me as a patch, I beg you will stick me upon your lips.

1132. Mr. Derrick being one morning at a coffee-house at Bath, was much disturbed by a very noisy man who sat at a small distance from him, upon which he inquired who the spark was; they told him he was one of those gentry who are called Rooks. A Rook, sir, replied Derrick, zounds, ’tis impossible―by his chattering, I am sure he is a magpie.

1133. A gentleman who had had several wives, paid his addresses to a widow lady at Bath; and it being remarked that he was a great duellist, Derrick replied, the match would be more apropos, for the lady has killed her man.

1134. Two gentlemen going very hungry into the White Lion at Bath, ordered a couple of chickens to be roasted for supper, which were brought upon table just as Mr. Derrick came in to speak to one of them upon business. They went out together, and while they were absent, the remaining person fairly ate up all the supper. When they returned, the other gentleman was astonished, and asked Mr. Derrick what he thought of his companion? Why, I think, said Derrick, that he is a very fowl feeder.

1135. A man being brought before a magistrate, when Mr. Derrick was present, for defamation, in calling his neighbour a scavenger. Pray, sir, (said Derrick to the justice,) attend seriously to this charge, for to me it appears that there is some very dirty work going forward.

1136. A gentleman having written an epitaph on a deceased friend, showed it to Mr. Derrick for his opinion: Sir, said he, I never read anything better suited to the mournful occasion―they are the saddest verses that ever were penned.

1137. A lady of fashion and beauty inveighing against smugglers, Mr. Derrick interrupted her: Hold, madam, be not too severe; I believe it will be found that the blackness of your crimes far exceeds theirs: the people you are railing against, smuggle only a few common goods, for which, they run the risk of losing their lives; but you, without any danger to yourself, absolutely have smuggled the affections of every person in Bath.

1138. Mr. Derrick being in a company, among whom there was a gentleman remarkable for a rude kind of satirical wit, and who, having levelled his jeers at almost all present, chiefly by mimicking their voices, gestures, or taking them off, as it is commonly called, Mr. Derrick, expecting it would presently come to his turn, got up, and was going away. When being asked the reason of his leaving the company so soon, he replied, In order to save the gentleman the trouble of taking me off, I think it best to take myself off.

1139. At a private masquerade, Derrick appeared in the character of a cook, and being met by Lord ―, was desired to dress a couple of pork chops. Sir, replied Derrick, as you are the only hog in company, I must then beg leave to cut them from your carcase.

1140. Mr. Derrick going through the Strand one evening, detected a boy picking his pocket, and seizing him, had determined to have him committed, when the boy begged heartily for mercy, For indeed, sir, said he, it is my first offence; here’s your own handkerchief again, and take any of these five you like best.

1141. A lady of distinction meeting Derrick in the long room, told him his old friend Lady ― was just delivered. Of a boy or girl? said Derrick. Neither, replied the lady―of a husband, you donkey, and he is to be buried to-morrow.

1142. Mr. Derrick being on a visit at a gentleman’s house at Bath, a young lady to entertain the company, obliged them with a tune on the harpsichord: while she was playing, a female friend of Mr. Derrick’s asked him, Who was the Goddess of Music? Venus, said he. Pooh, replied she, you banter. No, upon honour, returned Derrick; if you doubt, appeal to her―for there she sits.

1143. One of those troublesome gentry called meal hunters, one day invited himself to dine with Derrick; the dinner consisted of some fish and a fine piece of roast beef; the gentleman helped himself about half-a-dozen times, and approved highly of Mr. Derrick’s taste, in preferring the roast beef of old England to those flimsy kickshaws so much in fashion, adding, Here’s cut and come again. Sir, said Derrick, you may cut, but you never come again.

1144. A talkative gentleman boasting that he had been instructed in the art of speaking by the celebrated Quin. Sir, said Derrick, this company would have thought themselves more highly obliged to that gentleman, had he taught you the art of holding your tongue.

1145. A gentleman bragging that he was promised the lease of the next house that fell in, Sir, said Derrick, had it been my case, I should rather have desired the lease of the next house that stood.

1146. Derrick one day condoling with an Irish gentleman whose father had lately died. Well, well, said Paddy, it does not signify grieving, for it is what we must all come to, if we do but live long enough.

1147. It being disputed, while Lady ―, who had a remarkable red face, was present in the long room, when there would be an eclipse of the sun. It will be, said Derrick, let me see―ay, it will be, whenever Lady ― shall hide her beauties under a veil.

1148. There was some years ago, a society in the metropolis, called the Court of Humour, the members of which met once a week for the purpose of trying causes. To this meeting, Derrick was invited; and when the lord judge, in summing up the evidence in one of the trials, pronounced, with great gravity, “I must here desire to pause”―My lord, with submission, give me leave to fill up your paws; and immediately presented his lordship with a large tumbler of negus.

1149. Derrick once went to see the tragedy of Richard the Third performed by a country company; the person who played Richard was as wretched a performer as ever disgraced the buskin; and when he came to the scene where he says to Buckingham, “Bring the mayor and aldermen to see me here.” If they see you once, said Derrick, they will never come again.

1150. The late Dr. Stukely says, that one day, by appointment, visiting Sir Isaac Newton, the servant told him he was in his study. No one was permitted to disturb him there, but as it was near dinner-time, the visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in―a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and covering up the empty dish, bid them dress their master another. Before that was ready, the great man came down; apologized for his delay, and added, Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint. Saying this, he lifted up the cover, and without any emotion, turned about to Stukely with a smile: See, said he, what we studious people are: I forgot I had dined.

1151. Leveridge, the actor, in giving out the play, made a small mistake, and instead of saying on Monday next will be performed, he addressed the audience with―Ladies and gentlemen, to-morrow will be performed―To-morrow? said a buck from the pit, why to-morrow is Sunday! I know it, my good friend, replied Leveridge;―to-morrow there will be a charity sermon preached at St. Paul’s, Covent Garden, and, on Monday, at this theatre, will be presented the Recruiting Officer, with a farce called Wit at a Pinch. This turned the laugh of the audience, and he went off with an unusual plaudit.

1152. Derrick one day sent his footboy with a message to a gentleman whose name was Mr. Hodges Podger. The boy went to the street, as directed, but not being able, at once, to find the house, he knocked at another person’s door, and mistaking the name, asked if Mr. Hodge-podge was at home. Hodge-podge! said the servant maid, why, you little puppy, does this house look like a cookshop?

1153. Some ladies in the long room at Bath observing that Mr. Derrick was exceedingly gay, a smart fellow thought to exercise his wit, by asking him who was his tailor? Oh, sir, replied Derrick, he won’t do for you, he deals only for ready money.

1154. A conceited fellow presented King James with a manuscript, who, finding it exceeding bad, returned it, and bade him put it into rhyme. The fellow set to work, despatched it, and presented it anew to his Majesty, who, laughing, said, It was better now he had put into rhyme, “for, by my soul, man, afore ’twas neither rhyme nor reason.”

1155. What herb is it that cures all diseases? Thyme [time] to be sure.

1156. An upholder was chiding his apprentice because he was not notable enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness when he should use them, telling him, when he was an apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers’ ends.

1157. One hearing a great noise, sent his servant to know what was the matter, who brought him back word, One had taken a cup too much―meaning that he had stolen a silver tankard.

1158. A fortune-hunter at Bath, telling Mr. Derrick that he had got an excellent phaeton on the new plan, Derrick answered, I am rather of opinion you got it on the old plan, for I suppose you never mean to pay for it.

1159. An impudent fellow met an unfortunate person who was blessed with a very red nose, and who also squinted; making a stop and looking at him hard, the gentleman asked the reason of his gazing at him, Truly (was the rude answer) if your eyes were matches, your nose would undoubtedly set them on fire.

1160. An attorney riding into the country, was asked what news he brought, and answered, Nothing, but that Marriot (a great eater) was reported to have lost his appetite; to which another answered, Pray God a poor man meets not with it, for if he does it will utterly undo him.

1161. One Brown, of Oxford, ringing in one of the belfrys of the said city, the clapper of the bell he was ringing fell upon his head, and almost killed him; an arch young student seeing his mischance, and conceiving the wound incurable, wrote over against the place where the accident happened, these verses:

Here lies John Brown, the University capper,
That lived by the bell, and died by the clapper.

But Brown recovering, and seeing these verses, wrote underneath―

John Brown’s alive, and lives in hope
To live by the bell, when thou diest by the rope.

1162. A gentleman bought some articles upon trust at a shop, promising the master that he would owe him so much money for them; the tradesman was therewith contented, but finding that the gentleman delayed the payment, he demanded his money. The gentleman told him he had not promised to pay him; he had, indeed, promised to owe him so much money, and he would in no way break from his word, which, if he paid him, he must do.

1163. One asked why B stood before C? Because, said another, a man must B, before he can C.

1164. How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet, said D’Orsay to Alvanley the other day? An L long to be sure, was the answer.

1165. One said, physicians had the best of it, because they lived by other men’s pains―meaning the griefs and diseases of their patients.

1166. One was saying, he wondered why the people in Ethiopia did not write straight along as the northern people do; he was answered, it was no wonder, for they write under the line, and that is the reason.

1167. The Lord Cecil (who was rather crooked) having gone to much expense in building a superb house, an ingenious architect viewing it room after room, said, there was one great fault committed, which could not be amended. He was desired to explain himself. Why, there is not one room in this house in which his lordship can stand upright.

1168. A gentleman being entreated to stand godfather to one of his tenant’s children, granted the request, having no children of his own. The child, growing up, he was sent to visit his godfather, in the hopes he would do something for him. Upon his arrival his godfather asked him how his father and mother did? Very well in health, replied the child, but my father has so many children, he can hardly provide bread for us. Child, was the answer, God never sends mouths but he sends meat. It may be so, godfather, answered the child, but I think God has sent the mouths to our house, and the meat to you. This witty answer so pleased the old gentleman, that he took the child and brought him up as his own.

1169. Glovers get their living by cutting purses, and yet are never punished for it.

1170. King James removing once from Whitehall to Greenwich house, to take his pleasure, the constables were commanded to guard several passages, to hinder the concourse of people flocking thither: amongst many gentlemen stopped was one rather meanly dressed, who was asked to what lord he belonged? To the Lord Jehovah, he readily answered. The wise constable not catching the meaning, asked his companions if they knew any such lord. To which they replied, There is none such belonging to the court. The constable, unwilling to give offence, replied, Well, I believe it is some Scotch lord or other, so let him pass.

1171. A person holding an argument with a grocer concerning matters of trade, the grocer’s wife bid him give over arguing, for she was sure her husband could show a thousand reasons [raisins] to his one.

1172. One said painters were cunning fellows, for they had a colour for everything they did.

1173. Mr. Derrick being asked his opinion of a young rake at Bath, who went under the denomination of a knowing one, said, he did not pretend to any great skill in physiognomy, but he believed he could venture to pronounce that the young gentleman would one day be fixed in a very exalted station.

1174. At a general hunting in Cornwall, which is still observed twice a year, when also there is great wrestling and cudgel playing, a clergyman happened to be among the multitude, and for reproving a fellow for swearing, got his head cut by a stone flung at him by the man, which some that stood by seeing, said, Come, sir, we’ll go along with you to a justice. No, said the minister, truly I think there is much more need to go with me to a surgeon.

1175. A gentleman of good estate, who, it seems, hated tobacco, and hearing that his eldest son did take it, though not in his presence, he told him, if he knew that he took tobacco he would disinherit him. Truly, father, said he, they that told you so were mistaken; for before I will take any tobacco I’ll see it all on fire. Sayest thou so, my boy! cried the old gentleman, I’ll give thee five hundred a year the more for that.

1176. A crafty fellow being extremely in debt, and being threatened by his creditors that they would have him if he was above ground, got himself into a cellar, and there lay with the tapster, and being reproved for so doing, he said there was no fear of his being caught there, because he was under ground, and they dared not break their oaths, as they swore they would have him if above ground.

1177. The French ambassador being at dinner with King James, the king, in mirth, drank a health to him, saying, “The King of France drinks a health to the French King.” Upon which, the French ambassador suddenly replied, The king, my master, is a good lieutenant, for he holds France well for you. No, said the king, he holds it from me. Truly, sir, replied the ambassador, it is no further from you than it was.

1178. A humorous country knight gave his man that waited on him this charge: that he should never say anything to him but what he asked him; a little after he invited two gentlemen to his child’s christening; his man accordingly went to them and acquainted them with it; they bid him thank his master, but to let him know they were pre-engaged, and could not come that day; the knight waited an hour later than ordinary for their coming, but seeing they came not, he asked his man if he had spoken to them? Yes, replied he, but they said they could not come. You rogue, why did you not tell me so before? Why, truly, sir, said he, you did not ask me.

1179. One speaking of the burning of the streets of London, at the great fire, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Bread Street was burnt to a coal, Ironmonger Lane became red hot, Snow Hill was melted down, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, and Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were over-baked.

1180. A cobbler, sitting in his stall, offended a gentleman who was passing by: Sirrah, said the gentleman, you are a rascal, and if you come out I will give you a kick. Thank you, said the cobbler, if you would give me two I would not come out.

1181. A schoolmaster was always dictating to his scholars that H was no letter; soon after, he called out to one of the boys, and bid him heat the caudle; and when he asked for it, the scholar told him he had done with the caudle as he bid him. What’s that? said the master, Why, sir, replied the boy, I did eat it. Sirrah, said he, I bid you heat it, with an _h_. Yes, sir, I did eat it with bread, as there is no _h_.

1182. Pride and Hewson, two Oliverian colonels, the first a drayman and the other a cobbler, being met together, began joking one with the other. Pride told Hewson, he saw a piece of cobbler’s wax sticking upon his scarlet cloak. Poh, said Hewson, a handful of brewer’s grains will scour it off presently.

1183. Some gentlemen were sitting in a coffee-house together, one was asking what news there was? The other told him, There were forty thousand men rose that day,―which made them all stare, and ask him to what end they rose, and what they intended? Why faith, said he, only to go to bed at night again.

1184. In the time of the Rump, two Rump parliament men being in a boat, said one of them, You watermen are hypocrites; for you row one way and look another. O sir, said one of the watermen, we have not plyed so long at Westminster, but we have learned something of our masters, that is, to pretend one thing and act another.

1185. A person hiring a lodging, said to the landlady, I assure you, madam, I am so much liked, that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears. Perhaps, said she, you always go away without paying.

1186. An alehouse girl took it into her head to be catechised at church. The parson asked her what was her name? La, sir, said she, how can you pretend not to know my name, when you come to our house so often, and cry, ten times in an evening, Nan, you slut, bring us another pot!

1187. Smiths, of all the handicraft men, are the most irregular; for they never think themselves better employed, than when they are at their vices.

1188. A child of one of the crew of his majesty’s ship Peacock, during the action with the United States vessel, Hornet, amused himself with chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by the destruction and death all around him, he persisted, till a cannon-ball came and took off both the hind legs of the goat, when seeing her disabled, he jumped astride, crying, Now I’ve caught you.

1189. Charles the Second asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him so great and wise a prince, made him afraid to trust himself. But will your majesty, continued he, permit me to ask you a question in my turn? Why do you read your speeches in parliament? Why, doctor, replied the king, I’ll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face!

1190. The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out for a new laundress, a decent looking woman was recommended for the situation. But, said the housekeeper, I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness; as she is a soldier’s wife, and these people are generally loose characters. What is it you say? said the duke, who had just entered the room―a soldier’s wife! Pray, madam, what is your mistress? I desire, that the woman may be immediately engaged.

1191. A man that had been terribly troubled with lawsuits, went one day to Tyburn to see an execution, and then swore ’twas better to have to do with Tyburn than Westminster Hall; for there, suits hang half a year, but at Tyburn, half an hour’s hanging ends all.

1192. Some men sitting drinking together, were praising the ale about England, as Hull ale, Margate ale, Cheshire ale, and Lambeth ale. One said there was in London to his knowledge the best in all England; and yet, said another, there’s as good ale in England, as in London.

1193. A notorious cunning thief, upon being taken up, applied for a peace warrant against the justice,―as, he said, he stood in fear of his life from him.

1194. A country gentleman asked a wise man, when he saw a fellow abuse and sneer at him, Why he did not return it. Why truly, said he, I think I should do very indiscreetly in so doing; for if an ass kicks you, do you kick him again?

1195. A man, in a bitter cold night, was passing through the street, and seeing all a-bed, and no candle in any window, bethought himself of this project; up and down he went crying, Fire, fire, fire! which made several come to their windows. They asked him where it was? he replied, That was just what he wanted to know, for he was devilish cold.

1196. Some apprentices in London being about to act a play one Christmas, when they were perfect, went to a grave citizen, and requested him to lend them his clothes to act a play in. No, said he, nobody shall play the fool in my clothes but myself.

1197. At a certain battle, a Spanish cardinal went in among the soldiers, and advised them not to spare their lives, but to exert their utmost courage, promising them a remission of all their sins, and that those who died in battle should dine with the angels in Paradise; and having thus reconciled them, he was about to retire from the field, which one of the soldiers perceiving, said to him, And will you not stay and dine with us in Paradise? To which the valiant cardinal replied, His dinner hour was later.

1198. The bishop of the diocese in which Dornfront in Normandy is situated, understanding that the curates within his diocese exacted too much from their parishioners, made a table to regulate the fees for baptism, marriages, and burials; but the curate of Dornfront would not baptize under double the sum limited by the table; whereupon, complaint being made to the bishop, he was summoned to appear before his diocesan, and for his defence, he alleged, that he baptized all, but seldom buried any, for that as soon as they came to be of age, they were generally carried to Rouen to be hanged for false witnesses; so that by this means, he was deprived of the fees for interment. But he would agree, that if any were buried in the parish, he would undertake to do it for nothing; and to prove his statement correct, he produced a list of two hundred he had baptized, of which more than one hundred and eighty had been hanged. The bishop, upon the aforesaid consideration, ordered the poor curate to pay himself for the burials at the time of baptism.

1199. ― was but of little stature, and dining one day at the royal table, with two scholars, both large men, the king sent him a dish with two large fishes and one small one, bidding him to divide them between himself and the two scholars; upon which, ― laid the two large fishes in his own plate, and sent the small one to the two scholars. His majesty laughing, said, Faith, you are no equal divider. That is your majesty’s mistake, said he, and pointing to himself and the two great fishes, said, Here are two great and one little, and on the other side are one little and two great.

1200. A Franciscan one day mounted on a showy horse, was met by a burgess, who reminded him, that being of the order of St. Francis, he was obliged by vow to follow him, but he went on foot, and you are on horseback. Alas! replied the friar, you have reason to say I ought to follow the holy founder of our order, but ’tis so long since he went before, that it is impossible to overtake him on foot, and it will be hard to do it on horseback, unless I spur along.

1201. Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, who was fond of his acting, said, Give that dish to Dominico. And the partridges too, sire? Louis, penetrating into the artfulness of the question, replied, And the partridges too. The dish was gold.

1202. A fool being at church at vespers, and observing that as soon as one of the priests began the office, all the rest fell a singing, presently ran to him and gave him a sound cuff on the ear, saying, We should have been quiet enough, if this brawling fellow had not begun to cry first.

1203. Admiral Duncan’s address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions, previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous―Gentlemen, you see a severe Winter approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire.

1204. Johnson did not like to be over-fondled: when a certain gentleman out-acted his part in this way, he is said to have demanded of him, What provokes your risibility, sir? Have I said anything that you understand? If I have, I ask pardon of the rest of the company.

1205. A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, Well, Mary, where do you live now? Please, Ma’am, I don’t live nowhere now, rejoined the girl, I’m married!

1206. A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of “_Quid rides_.” Two sailors who had often used his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating them as two English words, Quid rides.

1207. Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush when the fruit was unripe, one said it was ridiculous to call them black berries, when they were red. Don’t you know, said his friend, that blackberries are always red when they are green!

1208. An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got up, and said, Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do.

1209. Louis XII. being at his castle of Plassey, near Tours, went one evening into the kitchen, where he found a boy turning the spit. The lad had something in his countenance which prepossessed the king in his favour, and he demanded who he was. The boy, not knowing the king, replied with simplicity, that his name was Stephen―that he came from Berri―and that he gained as much as the king. How much gains the king? demanded Louis, with some degree of astonishment. His expenses, said the boy, and I gain mine. This answer so much pleased the monarch, that he appointed him one of the valets-de-chambre.

1210. When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) ascended the papal chair, the ambassadors of the different states waited on him with congratulations: when they were introduced, they bowed, and he returned the compliment by bowing likewise; the master of the ceremonies told his holiness he should not have returned their salute. O, I beg your pardon, said the pontiff, I have not been pope long enough to forget good manners.

1211. It was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other persons’ tables, that he never opened his mouth but at somebody’s expense.

1212. A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, if he would have a light? No, child, said the doctor, I am one of the lights of the world. I wish then, replied the boy, you were hung up at the end of our alley, for we live in a terrible dark one.

1213. Two very honest fellows, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street, one asked the other, how he could afford to under sell him everywhere as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms himself? Why, you silly dog, answered the other, I steal them ready made.

1214. Two sporting men discoursing about a horse that had lost a race, one of them, by way of apology, observed, That the cause of it was an accident, his running against a waggon; to which the other, who affected not to understand him, archly replied, Why, what else was he fit to run against?

1215. A fellow stole Lord Chatham’s large gouty shoes: his servant not finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordship, all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him!

1216. Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in winter, feeling it extremely cold, instinctively drew his chair very close to the grate, in which a fire had been recently lighted. By degrees, the fire being burnt up, Sir Isaac began to feel the heat intolerably intense, and rang his bell with unusual violence. John was not at hand; he at last made his appearance, by the time Sir Isaac was almost literally roasted. Remove the grate, you lazy rascal! exclaimed Sir Isaac, in a tone of irritation very uncommon with that amiable and placid philosopher; remove the grate, ere I am burned to death? Please your honour, might you not rather draw back your chair? said John, a little waggishly. Upon my word, said Sir Isaac, smiling, I never thought of that.

1217. A judge, on passing sentence of death upon an Irishman, said as usual, I have nothing now to do but to pass the dreadful sentence of the law upon you. Oh, don’t trouble yourself on my account, interrupted Pat. I must do my duty, resumed the judge:―you must go from hence to the place of execution, where you are to be hanged by your neck till you are dead; and the Lord have mercy on your soul! I am much obliged to you, said the prisoner, but I never heard of any one thriving after your prayers.

1218. Triboulet, the fool of Francis the First, was threatened with death by a man in power, of whom he had been speaking disrespectfully; and he applied to the king for protection. Be satisfied, said the king; if any man shall put you to death, I will order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour after. Ah, Sir! replied Triboulet, I should be much obliged, if your Majesty would order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour before.

1219. An Irishman, having bought a sheep’s head, had been to a friend for a direction to dress it. As he was returning, repeating the method, and holding his purchase under his arm, a dog snatched it, and ran away. Now, my dear joy, said the Irishman, what a fool you make of yourself! what use will it be to you, as you don’t know how it is to be dressed?

1220. A penurious citizen, who used to feed his apprentices with nothing but lights and livers, and such like trash, having appointed to meet one of his men in the fields, the fellow came to him with a heavy clog upon his neck; his master asking him his reason for so doing, he answered him, That he had fed so long on lights, that he was forced to carry that weight about him, lest the air should blow him away.