Chapter II: Part 2

121. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of poets? Why, said he, I think them the very best writers next to those who write in prose.

122. A profligate young nobleman, being in company with some sober people, desired leave to toast the devil. The gentleman, who sat next to him, said, He had no objection to any of his lordship’s friends.

123. A Scotsman was very angry with an English gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him, false Scot. Indeed, said the Englishman, I said no such thing, but that you were a true Scot.

124. The late Commissary-General G―ley, who once kept a glass-shop, having Colonel P―c―k’s regiment under a muster, made great complaints of the men’s appearance, &c., and said that the regiment ought to be broke. Then, sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a regiment is as soon broke as a looking-glass.

125. Curll, the bookseller, being under examination at the bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the posthumous works of the late Duke of Buckingham, without leave of the family, told their Lordships in his defence, That if the duke was living, he was sure he would readily pardon the offence.

126. Mr. E―ll―s, the painter, having finished a very good picture of Figg, the prize-fighter, who had been famous in getting the better of several Irishmen of the same profession, the piece was shown to old Johnson the player, who was told at the same time, that Mr. E―ll―s designed to have a mezzotinto print taken from it, but wanted a motto to be put under it. Then, said old Johnson, I’ll give you one: A Fig for the Irish.

127. A gentleman coming to an inn in Smithfield, and seeing the ostler expert and tractable about the horses, asked how long he had lived there, and what countryman he was? I’se Yorkshire, said the fellow, and ha’ lived sixteen years here. I wonder, replied the gentleman, that, in so long a time, so clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be master of the inn yourself. Ay, answered the ostler, but maister’s Yorkshire too.

128. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill life and character, told a certain nobleman, that if such a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000_l._ for one. The nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst money he ever laid out in his life. Why so? said the honest Colonel. Because, answered the lord, you would forfeit it again in less than a week.

129. A seedy, poor, half-pay captain, who was much given to blabbing everything he heard, was told, There was but one secret in the world he could keep, and that was, where he lodged.

130. Jack M―n going one day into the apartments in St. James’s, found a lady of his acquaintance sitting in one of the windows, who very courteously asked him to sit down by her, telling him there was a place. No, madam, said he, I do not come to court for a place. If the gentle reader should have a desire to repeat this story, let him not make the same blunder that a certain English-Irish foolish lord did, who made the lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room.

131. A certain lady of quality sending her Irish footman to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take coach if it rained, for fear of wetting them: but a great shower of rain falling, the fellow returned with the stays dropping wet; and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered to do, he said, he had obeyed her orders. How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet, if you took them into the coach with you? No, replied Teague, I knew my place better, I did not go into the coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do.

132. Tom Warner, the late publisher of newspapers and pamphlets, being very near his end, a gentlewoman in the neighbourhood sending her maid to inquire how he did? he bid the girl tell her mistress, That he hoped he was going to the new Jerusalem. Ay, dear sir, said she, I dare say the air of Islington would do you more good.

133. The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak with Henry the Fourth of France, met with a physician who had renounced the Protestant religion, and embraced the Popish communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The king, hearing of it, told the deputies, he advised them to change their religion too; for it is a dangerous symptom, said he, that your religion is not long lived, when a physician has given it over.

134. Two Oxford scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler, they fell to bantering him, and told the fellow that they would prove him to be a horse or an ass. Well, said the ostler, and I can prove your saddle to be a mule. A mule! cried one of them, how can that be? Because, said the ostler, it is something between a horse and an ass.

135. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an inn to lodge, when the host, perceiving him a close-fisted cur, having called for nothing but a pint of beer and a pennyworth of bread, to eat with a salad he gathered by the way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemed to pay him an extraordinary respect, laid him a clean cloth for supper, and complimented him with the best bed in the house. In the morning he set a good salad before him, with cold meat, butter, &c., which provoked the monsieur to the generosity of calling for half-a-pint of wine; then coming to pay, the host gave him a bill, which, for the best bed, wine, salad, and other appurtenances, he had enhanced to the value of twenty shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman, twenty shillings! Vat you mean? But all his spluttering was in vain; for the host, with a great deal of tavern elocution, made him sensible nothing could be abated. The monsieur, therefore, seeing no remedy but patience, seemed to pay it cheerfully. After which, he told the host, that his house being extremely troubled with rats, he could give him a receipt to drive them away, so as they should never return again. The host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome guests, who were every day doing him one mischief or another, at length concluded to give monsieur twenty shillings for a receipt: which done, Big-gar, says the monsieur, you make a de rat one such bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your house again, me will be hang.

136. A Westminster justice taking coach in the city, and being set down at Youngman’s Coffee-house, Charing Cross, the driver demanded eighteenpence as his fare, the justice asked him if he would swear the ground came to the money. The man said, He would take his oath on’t. The justice replied, Friend, I’m a magistrate; and pulling the book out of his pocket, administered the oath, and then gave the fellow sixpence, saying, he must reserve the shilling to himself for the affidavit.

137. A countryman passing along the Strand, saw a coach overturned, and asking what the matter was, he was told, That three or four members of parliament were overturned in that coach. Oh! says he, there let them lie; my father always advised me not to meddle with state affairs.

138. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent critic, was answered, That indeed his writings were much to be valued; for that by his criticism, he taught men how to write well; and by his poetry showed them what it was to write ill; so that the world was sure to edify by him.

139. One going to see a friend who had lain a considerable time in the Marshalsea prison, in a starving condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that miserable case, to go to sea; which not agreeing with his high spirit, I thank you for your advice, replied the prisoner, but if I go to sea, I’m resolved it shall be upon good ground.

140. A drunken fellow carrying his wife’s bible to pawn for a quartern of gin, to an ale-house, the man of the house refused to take it. What, said the fellow, will neither my word nor the word of God pass with you?

141. A certain Justice of the Peace not far from Clerkenwell, in the first year of King George the First, when his clerk was reading a mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, he cried out with some warmth, And why not Georgio Domini? sure, you forget yourself strangely.

142. A certain nobleman, a courtier, in the beginning of the late reign, coming out of the House of Lords, accosted the Duke of Buckingham, with, How does your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome times? To which his grace replied, I never go into my kitchen, but I dare say the scum is uppermost.

143. The Lord North and Grey being once at an assembly at the Theatre Royal in the Haymarket, was pleased to tell Mr. Heidigger, he would make him a present of 100_l._, if he could produce an uglier face in the whole kingdom, than his, the said Heidigger’s, within a year and a day. Mr. Heidigger went instantly and fetched a looking-glass, and presented it to his lordship, saying, He did not doubt but that his lordship had honour enough to keep his promise.

144. A person who had an unmeasurable stomach, coming to a cook-shop to dine, said, it was not his way to have his meat cut, but to pay 8_d._ for his ordinary; which the cook seemed to think reasonable enough, and so set a shoulder of mutton before him of a half-crown price, to cut where he pleased; with which he so played the cormorant, that he devoured all but the bone, paid his ordinary and trooped off. The next time he came, the cook casting a sheep’s-eye at him, desired him to agree for his victual, for he’d have no more ordinaries. Why? says he, I am sure I paid you an ordinary price.

145. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham (Villiers) once said in a melancholy humour, he was afraid he should die a beggar, which was the most terrible thing in the world; upon which a friend of his grace replied, No, my lord, there is a more terrible thing than that, and which you have reason to fear, and that is, that you will live a beggar.

146. The same noble Duke, another time, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to prevent the ruin of his estate? Live as I do, my lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when I am ruined.

147. At another time a person who had long been a dependant on His Grace, begged his interest for him at court; and to press the thing more home upon the duke, said, he had nobody to depend upon but God and His Grace. Then, said the duke, you are in a miserable way; for you could not have pitched upon any two persons who have less interest at court.

148. The old Lord Strangford taking a bottle with the parson of the parish, was commending his own wine: Here, doctor, said he, I can send a couple of ho-ho-hounds to Fra-Fra-France (for his lordship had a great impediment in his speech) and have a ho-ho-hogs-head of this wine for them: What do you say to that, doctor? Why, replied he, I say, that your lordship has your wine dog cheap.

149. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious memory, having borrowed on note five pounds, and failing the payment, the gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took occasion to talk of it in the public coffee-house, which obliged Jack to take notice of it, so that it came to a challenge. Being got into the field, the gentleman, a little tender in point of courage, offered him the note to make the matter up, to which our hero consented readily, and had the note delivered. But now, said the gentleman, if we should return without fighting, our companions will laugh at us; therefore, let’s give one another a slight scar, and say we wounded one another. With all my heart, says Jack; come, I’ll wound you first; so drawing his sword, he whipt it through the fleshy part of his antagonist’s arm, till he brought the very tears in his eyes. This being done, and the wound tied up with a handkerchief: Come, said the gentleman, where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting posture, cried, Where you can, good sir. Well, well, said the other, I can swear I received this wound of you; and so marched off contentedly.

150. A traveller coming into an inn once, on a very cold night, stood so near the fire that he burned his boots. An arch rogue that sat in the chimney corner, called out to him, Sir, you’ll burn your spurs presently. My boots you mean, I suppose? No, sir, said he, they are burned already.

151. In eighty-eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple Bar along Fleet Street, on some procession, the lawyers were ranged on one side of the way, and the citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a student, to a lawyer that stood next to him, Do but observe the courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to us, they are in law.

152. Some gentlemen having a hare for supper at a tavern, the cook, instead of a pudding, had crammed the belly full of thyme, but had not above half roasted the hare, the legs being almost raw; which one of the company observing, said, There was too much thyme (time) in the belly, and too little in the legs.

153. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had any notion of it, went to the theatre in Drury Lane, when they placed themselves snug in the corner of the middle gallery; the first music played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the countrymen cried to the other, Come, Hodge, let’s be going, mayhap the gentlemen are talking about business.

154. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, called to him with an insolent air, Well, honest fellow, said one of them, ’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To which the countryman replied, ’Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp.

155. Two inseparable comrades who rode in the guards in Flanders, had everything in common between them. One of them being an extravagant fellow, and unfit to be trusted with money, the other was always purse-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the former would at night frequently pick his pocket to the last stiver; to prevent which, he bethought himself of a stratagem; and coming among his companions the next day, he told them he had bit his comrade. Ah, how? said they. Why, replied he, I hid my money in his own pocket last night, and I was sure he would never look for it there.

156. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a captain in the marines, was quartered at a village where he buried a pretty many of his men; at length the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment unless he was paid for it; which being told Captain Rook, he ordered six men of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the parson’s hall-table. This so embarrassed the parson, that he sent the captain word, if he would fetch the man away, he would bury him and all his company for nothing.

157. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun; and as he was one day overlooking the work, a certain nobleman came by: Well, doctor, said he, for all your great pains and charity, I don’t take this to be the highway to heaven. Very true, replied the doctor, for if it had, I should have wondered to have met your lordship here.

158. Two Jesuits having packed together an innumerable parcel of miraculous lies, a person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told them one of his own: That at St. Alban’s there was a stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for the use of that saint, and that ever since, if a swine should drink out of it, he would instantly die. The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the story, set out the next day to St. Alban’s, where they found themselves miserably deceived. On their return, they upbraided the person with telling them so monstrous a story. Look you there now, said he, you told me a hundred lies t’other night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you: I told you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is very uncivil.

159. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one day at the fruitfulness of their countries, the Englishman said, there was a close near the town where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown in overnight, it would be so covered with grass that it should be difficult to find it the next day. Splut, said the Welchman, what’s that? There’s a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse in overnight, and not be able to find him next morning.

160. A country fellow in Charles the Second’s time, selling his load of hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen who came out of the Blue Posts, were talking of affairs; one said, that things did not go right, the king had been at the house and prorogued the parliament. The countryman coming home, was asked, What news in London? Odd’s heart, said he, there’s something to do there, the king has, it seems, berogued the parliament sadly.

161. A wild young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his return that she was dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the news; and finding him still the gay, inconstant man he always had been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then appeared pretty much surprised; a person by said, Why, sir, you seem more afraid now than before! Ay, replied he, most men are more afraid of a living wife than of a dead one.

162. An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship’s gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was drowned; being soon after taken up, the coroner’s jury was summoned to sit upon the body. One of the jurymen returning home, was called to by an alderman of the town, and asked, what verdict they brought in, and whether they found it _felo de se_? Ay, ay, says the juryman, shaking his noddle, he fell into the sea, sure enough.

163. One losing a bag of money of about 50_l._ between the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fixed a paper up, offering 10_l._ reward to those who took it up, and should return it; upon which the person that had it, came and writ underneath to the following effect: Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my loss.

164. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous crime, the eldest was turned off first, without speaking one word; the other mounting the ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles.

165. It was an usual saying of King Charles II., that sailors got their money like horses, and spent it like asses. The following story is somewhat an instance of it; one sailor coming to see another on pay-day, desired to borrow twenty shillings of him. The monied man fell to telling out the sum in shillings, but a half-crown thrusting its head in, put him out, and he began to tell again; but then an impertinent crown-piece was as officious as his half brother had been, and again interrupted the tale; so that taking up a handful of silver, he cried, Here, Jack, give me a handful when your ship’s paid; what signifies counting it?

166. A person inquiring what became of Such-a-one? Oh, dear, says one of the company, poor fellow, he died insolvent, and was buried by the parish. Died insolvent! cries another, that’s a lie, for he died in England: I am sure, I was at his burying.

167. A humorous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor of his, neglected to make the least use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about laying out his money so fruitlessly. Pray neighbour, says he, ne’er trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn, but I will set mine o’ fire.

168. A young gentlewoman, who had married a very wild spark, that had run through a plentiful fortune, and was reduced to some straits, was innocently saying to him one day, My dear, I want some shifts sadly. How can that be? replied he, when we make so many every day.

169. A fellow once standing in the pillory at Temple Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to pass; and driving just up to the pillory, he was asked, What that was that was writ over the person’s head? They told him, it was a paper to signify his crime, that he stood for forgery. Ay! said he, What is forgery? They answered him, That forgery was counterfeiting another’s hand, with intent to cheat people. To which the carman replied, looking up at the offender, Oh, this comes of your writing and reading, you silly dog.

170. When the Prince of Orange came over, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower, declared for his highness, and the two others would not come into measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be assayed at the Tower, and five of them proved to be prince’s metal.

171. A dog coming open-mouthed at a serjeant on a march, he ran the spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner coming out, raved extremely that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant, Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt end of the halbert? So I would, said he, if he had run at me with his tail.

172. King Charles II. being in company with Lord Rochester and others of the nobility, who had been drinking best part of the night, Killigrew came in. Now, says the king, we shall hear of our faults. No, faith, says Killigrew, I don’t care to trouble my head with that which all the town talks of.

173. One, who had been a very termagant wife, lying on her death-bed, desired her husband, That as she had brought him a fortune, she might have liberty to make her will, for bestowing a few legacies to her relations. No, madam, says he, you have had your will all your lifetime, and now I will have mine.

174. When the Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, was pleading at the bar once, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed the matter very home on the side he swore of. Jeffries, after his usual way, called out to the fellow, Hark you, you fellow in the leather doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the countryman smartly replied, Faith, sir, if you have no more for lying than I have for swearing, you may go in a leather doublet too.

175. The same Jeffries afterward on the bench, told an old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard. Does your lordship, replied the old man, measure consciences by beards? If so, your lordship has no beard at all.

176. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander the Great on horseback, brought it and presented it to the prince; but he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved, Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved by nature, fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his horse understood painting better than himself.

177. A company of gamesters falling out at a tavern, gave one another very scurvy language; at length, those dreadful messengers of anger, the bottles and glasses, flew about like hail shot; one of which mistaking its errand, and hitting the wainscot instead of the person’s head it was thrown at, brought the drawer rushing in, who cried, D’ye call, gentlemen? Call gentlemen, said one of the standers by, no, they don’t call gentlemen, but they call one another rogue and rascal as fast as they can.

178. One observing a crooked fellow in close argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable resolution, said to his friend, Prithee let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he’s bent upon it.

179. Bully Dawson was overturned in a hackney-coach once, pretty near his lodgings; and being got on his legs again, he said, ’Twas the greatest piece of providence that ever befell him, for it had saved him the trouble of bilking the coachman.

180. Sir Godfrey Kneller and the late Dr. Ratcliffe had a garden in common, with a common gate: Sir Godfrey upon some occasion, ordered the gate to be nailed up. When the doctor heard of it, he said he did not care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey, he replied he would take that, or anything else, from his good friend Dr. Ratcliffe, but his physic.

181. A certain worthy gentleman having among his friends the nickname of Bos, which was a kind of contraction of his real name; when his late majesty conferred the honour of a peerage upon him, a pamphlet was soon after published, with many sarcastical jokes upon him, and had this part of a line from Horace as a motto, viz., “_Optat epipipa Bos_.” My lord asked a friend who could read Latin, What that meant? It is as much as to say, my lord, said he, that you become honours as a sow does a saddle. Oh! very fine! said my lord. Soon after, another friend coming to see him, the pamphlet was again spoken of. I would, says my lord, give five hundred pounds to know the author of it. I don’t know the author of the pamphlet, said his friend, but I know who wrote the motto. Ay, cried my lord, prithee who was it? Horace, answered the other. How, replied his lordship, a dirty dog, is that the return he makes for all the services I have done him and his brother?

182. In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who was a great courtier, said, His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a cur. To which the other replied, That fawning was the property of a cur as well as barking.

183. Second thoughts, we commonly say, are best, and young women, who pretend to be averse to marriage, desire not to be taken at their words. One asking a girl, If she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but you may have me, if you will.

184. A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called to his coachman, who had been an old servant, and said, Ah, Tom, I am going a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you drove me. Oh, dear sir, replied the fellow, (he having been but an indifferent master to him,) ne’er let that discourage you, for it is all down hill.

185. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in a bye lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the parson with an erected crest, told him he was better fed than taught. Very true, indeed, sir, replied the farmer, for you teach me, and I feed myself.

186. One making a furious assault upon a hot apple pie, burned his mouth until the tears ran down, his friend asked him, Why he wept? Only, said he, because it is just come into my mind, that my grandmother died this day twelvemonth. Phoo, said the other, is that all? so whipping a large piece into his mouth, he quickly sympathized with his companion; who seeing his eyes brim full, with a malicious sneer, asked him why he wept? Because you were not hanged the same day your grandmother died.

187. A lady who had married a gentleman that was a tolerable poet, one day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my dear, you write upon other people, prithee write something for me; let me see what epitaph you’ll bestow upon me when I die. Oh, my dear, replied he, that’s a melancholy subject, prithee don’t think of it. Nay, upon my life you shall, adds she. Come, I’ll begin―

Here lies Bid-
To which he answered,
Ah! I wish she did.

188. A cowardly servant having been hunting with his lord, they had killed a wild boar; the fellow seeing the boar stir, betook himself to a tree; upon which his master called to him, and asked him What he was afraid of? the boar’s guts are out. No matter for that, said he, his teeth are in.

189. One telling another that he had once so excellent a gun, that it went off immediately upon a thief’s coming into the house, although it was not charged. How the devil can that be? said the other. Because, said the first, the thief carried it off; and what was worse, before I had time to charge him with it.

190. Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty merry, a link-boy cried, Have a light, gentlemen? Light yourself to the devil, you dog, said one of the company. Bless you, master, replied the boy, we can find the way in the dark; shall we light your worship thither?

191. A person was once tried at Kingston before the late Lord Chief Justice Holt, for having two wives, where one Unit was to have been the chief evidence against him. After much calling for him, word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. No! says his lordship, why then, all I can say is, Mr. Unit stands for a cipher.

192. It is certainly the most transcendent pleasure to be agreeably surprised with the confession of love from an adored mistress. A young gentleman, after a very great misfortune, came to his mistress, and told her, he was reduced even to the want of five guineas. To which she replied, I am glad of it, with all my heart. Are you so, madam? adds he, suspecting her constancy: Pray, why so? Because, said she, I can furnish you with five thousand.

193. On a public night of rejoicing, when bonfires and illuminations were made, some honest fellows were drinking the king’s health, and prosperity to England as long as the sun and moon endured. Ay, says one, and 500 years after, for I have put both my sons apprentices to a tallow-chandler.

194. A young fellow having made an end of all he had, even to his last suit of clothes, one said to him, Now, I hope, you’ll own yourself a happy man, for you have made an end of all your cares. How so? said the gentleman. Because, said the other, you have nothing left to take care of.

195. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicitations and compliance at court, he got removed from a poor Welsh bishopric, to a rich English one, a reverend Dean of the church said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt prophet with an _f_.

196. Some years ago, when his majesty used to hunt frequently in Richmond Park, it brought such crowds of people thither, that orders were given to admit none, when the king was there himself, but the servants of his household. A fat country parson having on one of these days a great inclination to make one of the company, Captain B―d―ns promised to introduce him; but coming to the gate, the keepers would have stopped him, by telling him that none but the household were to be admitted. Why, said the captain, don’t you know the gentleman? He’s his majesty’s hunting chaplain. Upon which, the keepers asked pardon, and left the reverend gentleman to his recreation.

197. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, serjeant-surgeon to Queen Anne, being very severe upon parsons having pluralities, a reverend and worthy divine heard him a good while with patience, but at length took him up with this question: Why do you, Mr. Serjeant Barnard, rail thus at pluralities, who have always so many fine cures upon your hands?

198. A worthy old gentleman in the country having employed an attorney, of whom he had a pretty good opinion, to do some law business for him in London, he was greatly surprised, on his coming to town, and demanding his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted to at least three times the sum he expected; the honest attorney assured him, that there was no article in his bill, but what was fair and reasonable. Nay, said the country gentleman, there’s one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three shillings and fourpence for going to Southwark, when none of my business lay that way; pray, what is the meaning of that, sir? Oh, sir, said he, that was for fetching the chine and turkey from the carrier’s that you sent me for a present out of the country.

199. A gentleman going into a meeting-house, and stumbling over one of the forms that were set there, cried out in a passion, Who expected set forms in a meeting-house?

200. My Lord Chief Justice Jeffries had a cause before him between a Jew that was plaintiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter pleaded, though the debt was very just, that the Jew had no right, by the laws of England, to bring an action. Well, says my lord, have you no other plea? No, my lord, says he, I insist on this plea. Do you? said my lord, then let me tell you, you are the greater Jew of the two.

201. A butcher in Smithfield, that lay on his death-bed, said to his wife, My dear, I am not a man for this world, therefore I advise you to marry our man John. Oh, dear husband, said she, if that’s all, never let it trouble you, for John and I have agreed that matter already.

202. A gentleman having bespoke a supper at an inn, desired his landlord to sup with him. The host came up, and thinking to pay a greater compliment than ordinary to his guest, pretended to find fault with the laying the cloth, and took the plates and knives, and threw them down stairs. The gentleman resolving not to balk his humour, threw the bottles and glasses down also; at which the host being surprised, inquired the reason of his so doing. Nay, nothing, replied the gentleman; but when I saw you throw the plates and knives down stairs, I thought you had a mind to sup below.

203. A philosopher carrying something hid under his cloak, an impertinent person asked him what he had under his cloak? To which the philosopher answered, I carry it there that you might not know.

204. When his late majesty, in coming from Holland, happened to meet with a violent storm at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the chaplain, In five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the Lord. The Lord forbid, answered the doctor.

205. A gentleman, who had been a great traveller, would oftentimes talk so extravagantly of the wonderful things he had seen abroad, that a friend of his took notice to him of his exposing himself as he did to all companies, and asked him the meaning of it? Why, says the traveller, I have got such a habit of lying since I have been abroad, that I really hardly know when I lie, and when I speak truth; and should be very much obliged to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any time when I am likely to give myself too much liberty that way. His friend promised he would; and accordingly, not long after, being at a tavern with him and other company, when the traveller was, amongst other strange things, giving an account of a church he had seen in Italy, that was above two miles long, he trod on his toe, just as one of the company had asked, How broad that same church might be? Oh, said he, not above two feet. Upon which, the company bursting into a loud laugh; Zounds, said he, if you had not trod upon my toe, I should have made it as broad as it was long.

206. A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very stately horse, riding between London and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who were with him, Do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got? I’ll banter him a little. Doctor, said he, you don’t follow the example of your great master, who was humbly content to ride upon an ass. Why really, sir, replied the parson, the king has made so many asses justices, that an honest clergyman can hardly find one to ride, if he had a mind to.

207. The Duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays and romances, in King Charles the Second’s time, asked Bishop Wilkins, How she could get up to the world in the moon, which he had discovered; for as the journey must needs be very long, there would be no possibility of going through it, without resting on the way? Oh, madam, said the bishop, your grace has built so many castles in the air, that you can never want a place to bait at.

208. A rich farmer’s son, who had been bred at the University, coming home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by Logic and Arithmetic, he could prove those two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the old man. Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is two; two and one, you know, make three. Since you have made it out so well, answered the old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your great learning.

209. A gentleman, who had a suit in Chancery, was called upon by his counsel to put in his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. And why, said the gentleman, is not my answer put in? How should I draw your answer, cried the lawyer, ’till I know what you can swear? Pshaw, replied the client, prithee do your part as a lawyer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me alone to do the part of a gentleman, and swear to it.

210. A country lass, with a pail of milk on her head going to market, was reckoning all the way, what she might make of it. This milk, said she, will bring me so much money, that money will buy so many eggs, those eggs so many chickens, and, with the fox’s leave, those chickens will make me mistress of a pig, and that pig may grow a fat hog, and when I have sold that, I may buy a cow and calf: and then, says she, comes a sweetheart, perhaps a farmer; him I marry, and my neighbours will say, How do you do, goody Such-a-one? and I’ll answer, Thank you, neighbour, how do you? But maybe my sweetheart may be a yeoman, and then it will be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a-one? I’ll say, Thank you. Oh! but suppose I should marry a gentleman; then they’ll say, Your servant, madam, but then I’ll toss up my head, and say nothing. Upon the sudden transport of this thought, and with the motion of her head, down came the milk, which put an end at once to her fine scheme of her eggs, her chickens, her pig, her hog, and her husband.

211. Daniel Purcell, who was a nonjuror, was telling a friend of his, when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him. Then, said his friend, you know him by sight? Yes, replied Daniel, I think I know him, but I can’t swear to him.

212. An Englishman going into one of the French ordinaries in Soho, and finding a large dish of soup with about half-a-pound of mutton in the middle of it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat; at which one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what he was going to do? Why, monsieur, I mean to strip, that I may swim through this ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton.

213. A countryman driving an ass by St. James’s gate one day, which being dull and restive, he was forced to beat it very much; a gentleman coming out of the gate, chid the fellow for using his beast so cruelly; Oh dear, sir, said the countryman, I am glad to find my ass has a friend at court.

214. One Irishman meeting another, asked, What was become of their old acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah, now, dear honey, answered the other, poor Pat was condemned to be hanged; but he saved his life by dying in prison.

215. Another Irishman, getting on a high-mettled horse, it ran away with him; upon which, one of his companions called to him to stop him: Arrah, honey, cried he, how can I do that, when I have got no spurs?

216. An honest Welch carpenter, coming out of Cardiganshire, got work in Bristol, where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his expenses, about twelve shillings; and with this prodigious sum of money, returning into his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the town: Ah, poor Pristow, said he, if one or two more of hur countrymen were to give hur such another shake as hur has done, it would be poor Pristow indeed.

217. It being asked in company with my Lord C―d, whether the piers of Westminster bridge would be of stone or wood, Oh, said my lord, of stone to be sure, for we have too many wooden piers (peers) already at Westminster.

218. One telling Charles XII. of Sweden, just before the battle of Narva, that the enemy was three to one; I am glad to hear it, answered the king, for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take prisoners, and enough to run away.

219. A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor at Oxford, not having wherewithal to buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were very bad, got them capped at the toes, upon which being bantered by some of his companions, Why should they not be capped, said he, I am sure they are Fellows.

220. The standers-by, to comfort a poor man, who lay on his death-bed, told him, he should be carried to church by four very proper fellows: I thank ye, said he, but I had much rather go by myself.

221. When poor Daniel Button died, one of his punning customers being at his burial, and looking on the grave, cried out, This is a more lasting Button hole, than any made by a tailor.

222. A toping fellow was one night making his will over his bottle: I will give, said he, fifty pounds to five taverns, to drink to my memory when I am dead; ten pounds to the Salutation for courtiers; ten pounds to the Castle for soldiers; ten pounds to the Mitre for parsons; ten pounds to the Horn for citizens; and ten pounds to the Devil for the lawyers.

223. A gentleman calling for small beer at another gentleman’s table, finding it very hard, gave it the servant again without drinking. What, said the master of the house, don’t you like the beer? It is not to be found fault with, answered the other, for one should never speak ill of the dead.

224. A certain lord who had a termagant wife, and at the same time a chaplain who was a tolerable poet, my lord desired him to write him a copy of verses on a shrew. I cannot imagine, said the parson, why your lordship should want a copy, who have so good an original.

225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently inveighed against usury, and said, That lending money upon use was as great a sin as wilful murder; having some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the other asked him, If he would have him guilty of a crime he had spoke so much against, and lend out money upon use? No, said the parson, I would have you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my opinion, if lending money upon use be as bad as wilful murder, lending it gratis can be little better than _felo de se_.

226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and large a man himself, had married so small a wife. Why, friend, said he, I thought you had known, that of all evils we should choose the least.

227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dissuaded from it by his friends, who desired him to consider, for the law was chargeable: I don’t care, replied the other, I will not consider, I will go to law. Right, said his friend, for if you go to law, I am sure you don’t consider.

228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman at turning and torturing her old rags, was recommending her dyer to another, as an excellent fellow in his way: That’s impossible, said the other, for I hear he is a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every body’s debt. What then? said the first, he may never be the worse dyer for all these things. No! answered the other, can you imagine so bad a liver can die well?

229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner, but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder that you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.

230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day in open senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. Fabius said smilingly, Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never have retaken it.

231. One asking another which way a man might use tobacco to have any benefit from it: By setting up a shop to sell it, said he, for certainly there is no profit to be had from it any other way.

232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, there was a country gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse, with an account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, able to bear it no longer, said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to us? where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of wit. Have you so, said the countryman, good Mr. Wiseacre? This unexpected repartee from the clown, struck Ben quite mute for a time: Why, how now, Ben, said one of the company, you seem to be quite flung? I never was so pricked by a hobnail before, replied he.

233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money: the lawyer bid the boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have the money. Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away? Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bad me tell you that he was.

234. A smart fellow thinking to show his wit one night at the tavern, called to the drawer, Here, Mercury, said he, take away this bottle full of emptiness. Said one of the company, Do you speak that, Jack, of your own head?

235. An extravagant young fellow, rallying a frugal country ’squire, who had a good estate, and spent but little of it, said, among other things, I’ll warrant you that plate-buttoned suit was your great-grandfather’s. Yes, said the other, and I have my great-grandfather’s lands too.

236. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter’s servant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him drink. Make you drink? says the gentleman, there’s a pickle herring for you, and if that won’t make you drink I’ll give you another.

237. Alphonso, king of Naples, sent a moor, who had been his captive a long time, to Barbary, with a considerable sum of money to purchase horses, and to return by such a time. There was about the king a buffoon, or jester, who had a table-book, wherein he used to register any remarkable absurdity that happened at court. The day the moor was dispatched to Barbary, the said jester waiting on the king at supper, the king called for his table-book, in which the jester kept a regular journal of absurdities. The king took the book, and read, how Alphonso, king of Naples, had sent Beltram the moor, who had been a long time his prisoner, to Morocco, his own country, with so many thousand crowns to buy horses. The king turned to the jester, and asked, why he inserted that? Because, said he, I think he will never come back to be a prisoner again; and so you have lost both man and money. But, if he does come, says the king, then your jest is marred: No, sir, replies the buffoon, for if he should return, I will blot out your name, and put in his for a fool.

238. A sharper of the town seeing a country gentleman sit alone at an inn, and thinking something might be made of him, he went and sat near him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, Do you smoke, sir? Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any one that has a design upon me.