Chapter IX: Part 9

963. When the late Mr. Windham, the war minister, was upon a trip to the continent, he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his inquiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the church of England, to which he received satisfactory answers; those, however, were succeeded by others of a more difficult nature, particularly as to the manner in which some English preachers manufacture their sermons. Upon Mr. Windham confessing his ignorance of this subject, the Dutchman, in a tone of disappointment, exclaimed, Why, then, I find, sir, after all the conversation we have had, that I have been deceived as to your profession: they told me you were an English minister.

964. Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days with the Earl of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living in Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the king (George I.) asked him how long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury? Upon his telling how long, Why, said the king you stayed there long enough; how is it you did not convert the Pope? Because, sir, replied the doctor, I had nothing better to offer him.

965. On the Scotch circuits, the judges gave dinners, having an allowance for that purpose. The great Lord Kames was extremely parsimonious; and, at a circuit dinner at Perth, did not allow claret, as had been the custom. The conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy’s fleet, which was then blockaded by the French; and one of the company asked what had become of our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine answered, Confined, like us, to port.

966. M. Lalande, the French astronomer, during the whole time of the revolution, confined himself to the study of that science. When he found that he had escaped the fury of Robespierre, he jocosely said, I may thank my stars for it.

967. After Dr. Johnson had been honoured with an interview with the king, in the queen’s library at Buckingham House, he was interrogated by a friend concerning his reception, and his opinion of the royal intellect. His majesty, replied the doctor, seems to be possessed of much good-nature and much curiosity, and is far from contemptible. His majesty, indeed, was multifarious in his questions, but he answered them all himself.

968. A common councilman was hoaxed into an opinion, that, as a representative of the citizens, he was entitled to ride through the turnpikes free of expense. He next day mounted his nag, to ascertain his civic privileges; and asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in Mile-end road, if, as a common councilman, he had not a right to pass without payment? Yes, replied the turnpike man archly, you may pass yourself, but you must pay for your horse.

969. There was a lady of the west country, that gave a great entertainment at her house, to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabout, and, among others, Sir Walter Raleigh. This lady, though otherwise a stately dame, was a notable good housewife; and in the morning betimes she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, Are the pigs served? Sir Walter Raleigh’s chamber was close to the lady’s. Before dinner the lady came down in great state into the assembling-room, which was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter cast his eyes upon her, Madam, are the pigs served? The lady answered, You know best whether you have had your breakfast.

970. Joseph II. Emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. It being fair time, and the house rather crowded, the host, ignorant of his guest’s quality, appointed them to sleep in an out-house, which they readily complied with; and, after eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to only 3_s._ 6_d._ English, and rode off. A few hours afterwards, several of his suite coming to inquire after him, and the publican understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. Psha! psha! man, said one of the attendants, Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think no more of it. But I shall, replied the landlord; for I can never forget the circumstance, nor forgive myself neither, for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for 3_s._ 6_d._

971. Some years ago, says Richardson, in his Anecdotes of Painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house: I have, said he, a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. There is little H. the other day came to see it, and said it was a copy. If any one says so again, I’ll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favour to come, and give me your real opinion of it?

972. A chimney-sweep having descended a wrong chimney, made his sudden appearance in a room where two men, one named Butler and the other Cook, were enjoying themselves over a pot of beer. How now, cried the former, what news from the other world? The sweep perceiving his mistake, and recollecting the persons, very smartly replied, I came to inform you that we are very much in want of a Butler and Cook.

973. One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, was stopped by a single highwayman, who was informed by the coachman there were no inside passengers, and only one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber then proceeded to exercise his employment on the tar; when waking him out of his sleep Jack demanded what he wanted; to which the son of plunder replied, Your money. You shan’t have it, said Jack. No! replied the robber, then I’ll blow your brains out. Blow away then, you land-lubber, cried Jack, squirting the tobacco-juice out of his mouth, I may as well go to London without brains as without money; drive on, coachman.

974. After a loud preface of O yes, pronounced most audibly three times, in the High Street, Newmarket, the late Lord Barrymore, having collected a number of persons together, made the following general proposal to the gapers, Who wants to buy a horse that can walk five miles an hour, trot sixteen, and gallop twenty? I do, said a gentleman, with manifest eagerness. Then, replied Lord Barrymore, If I see any such animal to be sold, I will be sure to let you know.

975. The Duke of Longueville’s reply, when it was observed to him that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: I had much rather, answered the duke, have friends than hares.

976. A gentleman was once praising the style of Swift before Johnson: the doctor did not find himself in the humour to agree with him; the critic was driven from one of his performances to another. At length, you must allow me, said the gentleman, that there are strong facts in the account of the “Four last years of Queen Anne.” Yes, surely, replied Johnson, and so there always are in the Newgate Calendar.

977. Johnson made Goldsmith a comical answer one day, when he was repining at the success of Beattie’s Essay on Truth. Here is such a stir, said he, about a fellow that has written one book, and I have written many. Ah, doctor, said his friend, there go two and forty sixpences, you know, to one guinea.

978. A finished coquette, at a ball, asked a gentleman near her, while she adjusted her tucker, whether he could flirt a fan, which she held in her hand. No, madam, answered he, proceeding to use it, but I can fan a flirt.

979. A notorious thief, being to be tried for his life, confessed the robbery he was charged with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to find him guilty on his own confession. The jury having laid their heads together, brought him in Not guilty. The judge bid them consider of it again; but still they brought in their verdict Not guilty. The judge asked the reason. The foreman replied, There is reason enough, for we all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the world.

980. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers who had been executed for similar offences, after sentence was passed, said, My lord, I humbly thank you. His lordship, astonished, asked him for what? Because, my lord, I thought I should have been hung in chains, which would have been a disgrace to the family.

981. Dean Jackson, passing one morning through Christchurch quadrangle, met some undergraduates, who walked along without capping. The dean called one of them, and asked, Do you know who I am? No, sir. How long have you been in college? Eight days, sir. Oh, very well, said the dean, walking away, puppies don’t open their eyes till the ninth day.

982. A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor, what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney―You a lawyer! said Brief, why I could put you in my pocket. Very likely you may, rejoined the other, and if you do, you will have more law in your pocket than ever you had in your head.

983. When George Bidder, the calculating phenomenon, was a very little boy, he made the tour of England with his father, displaying everywhere his astonishing power of combining and resolving numbers. Among several very ingenious and difficult questions prepared purposely for him, an ignorant pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data), How many cow’s tails would reach to the moon? The boy, turning upon the inquirer an eye of considerable archness, answered instantly, One, if it were long enough.

984. Mr. Moore having been long under a prosecution in Doctors Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written, by which the man of law was so much affected, that he exclaimed, Good God! can you add to this couple’s distress in the last act? Oh, very easily, said the poet, I intend to put them in the Ecclesiastical Court.

985. Ned Shuter was often very poor, and being still more negligent than poor, was careless about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day in the street, said to him, Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockings? why don’t you get them mended? No, my friend, said Ned, I am above it; and if you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than have one darn. How, replied the other, how do you make that out? Why, replied Ned, a hole is the accident of the day; but a darn is premeditated poverty.

986. The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland, in order to recruit his purse. On his way, he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O’Brien, driving towards Dublin in a lofty phaeton with six prime dun-coloured horses. Sir Murrough, exclaimed his lordship, what a contrast there is between you and me! you are driving your duns before you, but my duns are driving me before them.

987. The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended by some officers of the town, goes round on a market-day to examine the weight of the butter, and they seize all which is found short of sixteen ounces. A countryman, who generally stood in a particular place, having on a former market-day lost two pounds of butter, was seen, the next time they came round, to laugh heartily, while the officers were taking a considerable quantity from a woman who stood near him. One of the officers, not pleased with the fellow’s want of decorum, particularly in the presence of men vested with such high authority, said, What do you mean by laughing, fellow? I took two pounds from you last week. I’ll lay you a guinea of it, said the countryman. Done, replied the officer; and immediately put a guinea into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who was standing at his own door. The countryman instantly covered it; and then, with a triumphant grin, said, Well done, thickhead, if it had been two pounds would you have taken it from me? Was it not for being short of weight that I lost it? The umpire without hesitation decided it in his favour, to the great mortification of the humble administrator of justice.

988. An Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons: the flute-player informed him, that he generally charged two guineas for the first month, and one guinea for the second. Then, by my soul, replied the Hibernian, I’ll begin the second month!

989. Foote being at table next to a gentleman who had helped himself to a very large piece of bread; he took it up and cut a piece off. Sir, said the gentleman, that is my bread. I beg a thousand pardons, sir, said Foote, I protest I took it for the loaf.

990. The Marquis della Scalas, an Italian nobleman, having invited the neighbouring gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the delicacies of the season were provided, some of the company arrived very early, for the purpose of paying their respects to his excellency: soon after which, the major-domo, entering the dining-room in a great hurry, told the marquis that there was a fisherman below, who had brought one of the finest fish in all Italy, for which, however, he demanded a most extravagant price. Regard not his price, cried the marquis; pay him the money directly. So I would, please your highness, but he refuses to take any money. What, then, would the fellow have? A hundred strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders, my lord; he says he will not bate a single blow. On this, the whole company ran down stairs, to see so singular a man. A fine fish! cried the marquis; what is your demand, my friend? Not a quatrini, my lord, answered the fisherman; I will not take money: if your lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order me a hundred lashes of the strappado on my naked back; otherwise I shall apply elsewhere. Rather than lose the fish, said the marquis, we must e’en let this fellow have his humour. Here! cried he to one of his grooms, discharge this honest man’s demands: but don’t lay on too hard; don’t hurt the poor devil very much! The fisherman then stripped, and the groom prepared to execute his lordship’s orders. Now, my friend, said the fisherman, keep an exact account, I beseech you; for I don’t desire a single stroke more than my due. The whole company were astonished at the amazing fortitude with which the man submitted to the operation, till he had received the fiftieth lash; when, addressing himself to the servant, Hold, my friend, cried the fisherman; I have now had my full share of the price. Your share? exclaimed the marquis; what is the meaning of all this? My lord, returned the fisherman, I have a partner, to whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his full half of whatever I receive for the fish; and your lordship, I dare venture to say, will by and by own that it would be a thousand pities to defraud him of a single stroke. And pray, honest friend, said the marquis, who is this partner? Your porter, my lord, answered the fisherman, who keeps the outer gate of the palace, and refused to admit me, unless I would promise him half what I should obtain for the fish. Ho! ho! exclaimed the marquis, laughing very heartily, by the blessing of heaven, he shall have double his demand in full! The porter was accordingly sent for; and being stripped to the skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all their might till he had fairly received what he was so well entitled to. The marquis then ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty sequins; desiring him to call annually for the like sum, as a recompense for the friendly service he had rendered him.

991. Mr. Pope being one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy with, Light, your honour! light, your honour! He repeatedly exclaimed, I do not want you. But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, Get about your business: God mend me! I will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough. It’s light enough, echoed the lad, what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, indeed! it would be easier to make two men, than mend one such as you.

992. A fellow, walking down Holborn Hill on a sultry summer evening, observed an old gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning upon a post, and courteously asked him what was the matter? Sir, said the old man, an impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, and run away with it: I have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, if my life depended on it, go a step farther. What, not a step? said the fellow. Not a step, returned he. Why then, by Jupiter, I must have your wig; and snatching off his fine flowing caxon, the thief was out of sight in a minute.

993. Two tars, just landed, went to see an old acquaintance, who kept what they humorously called a grog-shop, in a village near Portsmouth, the sign of the Angel. On their entering the place, they stared about for the wished-for sign. There it is! said one. Why, you fool, replied the other, that’s a peacock. Who do you call fool? retorted Ben; how the devil should I know the difference, when I never saw an angel in my life?

994. The late Colonel O’Kelly, well known to all the lovers of the turf, having, at a Newmarket meeting, proposed a considerable wager to a gentleman who, it seems, had no knowledge of him; the stranger, suspecting the challenge came from one of the black-legged fraternity, begged to know what security he would give for so large a sum if he should lose, and where his estates lay. O! the dear craters, I have the map of them about me, and here it is, sure enough, said O’Kelly, pulling out a pocket-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his property, by producing bank-notes to a considerable amount.

995. After a successful attack on the royal party in 1745, a Higlander gained a watch as his share of the plunder. Unacquainted with its use, he listened with equal surprise and pleasure to the ticking sound with which his new acquisition amused him; after a few hours, however, the watch was down, the noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on the toy no longer with satisfaction, determined to conceal the misfortune which had befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first person who should offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met with a customer, but at parting he could not help exclaiming, Why, she died last night.

996. When Mr. Penn, the proprietor of Pennsylvania, and the most considerable man among the Quakers, went to court to pay his respects to Charles II., that merry monarch, observing the Quaker not to lower his beaver, took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn, who said, Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat. No, friend Penn, said the king, it is usual for only one man to stand covered here.

997. A person had been relating many incredible stories when Professor Engel, who was present, in order to repress his impertinence, said, But, gentlemen, all this amounts to but very little, when I can assure you that the celebrated organist, Abbé Vogler, once imitated a thunder-storm so well, that for miles round all the milk turned sour.

998. The late Bishop of Worcester, Dr. Hough, was remarkable for sweetness of temper, as well as every other christian virtue; of which the following story affords a proof:―A young gentleman, whose family had been well acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour of England before he went abroad, called to pay his respects to his lordship as he passed by his seat in the country. It happened to be at dinner time, and the room full of company. The bishop, however, received him with much familiarity; but the servant in reaching him a chair, threw down a curious weather-glass that had cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The gentleman was under infinite concern, and began to make an apology for being himself the occasion of the accident, when the bishop with great good nature interrupted him. Be under no concern, sir, said his lordship, smiling, for I am much beholden to you for it: we have had a very dry season; and now I hope we shall have rain, as I never saw the glass so low in my life. Every one was pleased with the humour and pleasantry of the turn.

999. Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up the divisions and subdivisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how extremely difficult it was. Difficult, is it, sir! replied the doctor; I wish it were impossible.

1000. An American general was once in company where there were some few Scotch. After supper, when the wine was served up, the general rose and addressed the company in the following words:―Gentlemen, I must inform you, that when I get a little groggish, I have an absurd custom of railing against the Scotch; I hope no gentleman in company will take it amiss. With this he sat down. Up started M―, a Scotch officer, and without seeming the least displeased, said, Gentlemen, I, when I am a little groggish, and hear any person railing against the Scotch, have an absurd custom of kicking him out of the company; I hope no gentleman will take it amiss. It is hardly necessary to add, that, that night, he had no occasion to exert his talents.

1001. The father of a late Lord Hardwicke was hanged for forgery. When Lord H. sat as chancellor, an old countryman was examined as to a particular fact, the exact date of which he could not recollect. All that I remember about it, said he, is, that it happened on the day old Yorke was hanged.

1002. A theatrical lady, celebrated for everything but continence, at length resolved to marry and reform. Her conduct was duly canvassed in the dressing-rooms of the theatres. I am told, cried one, that she confessed to her liege lord all her amours. What a proof of courage! exclaimed one lady. What an extraordinary instance of candour! said another. What an amazing instance of memory! cried a third.

1003. Elliston had many friends and some relations in the church. Visiting one of the latter, who had some occasion to call upon his clerk, who was also the town crier, Elliston accompanied his friend; the crier was from home, and whilst the reverend gentleman explained to the man’s wife the nature of his visit, Elliston looked over two or three things that had been left to be cried that evening, amongst others, one was of a dog lost, who, amid his peculiar spots and blemishes, had “sore eyes;” Elliston always alive for a joke, altered the word sore to four. The crier came home, took up the several notices and commenced his round, enunciating in sonorous tones, Lost a black and tan coloured terrier, and answers to the name of Carlo; has two black legs and four eyes. You vagabond, cried the traveller to whom the dog belonged, how do you think I shall ever get my dog, if you describe it in that way? The crier maintained that it was according to the original, and, upon examination, it was evident the paper had been tampered with. Home went the crier, boiling with indignation; his wife had informed him of the call of his reverend employer, but had said nothing about his companion, and therefore no doubt remained on the clerk’s mind, that his reverend master himself had played the trick. He awaited patiently until Sunday for his revenge, and before he took his seat in the clerk’s pew, removed the book of St. John from the New Testament. The clergyman gave out the lesson, as the 2nd chapter of St. John, (the clerk had previously known it was to be selected from thence,) and then began to look in vain for the book in question; at last he whispered to the clerk, What has become of St. John? He can’t come, was the reply, he has got sore eyes.

1004. Dr. Carpue always gave it as his opinion, that Mathews, the comedian, had experienced improper treatment at the time of his accident, and that had he been in judicious hands, he would not have been lame. Some one speaking upon this subject to R―, said, I understand Mathews means to leave his broken leg to Carpue when he dies. The devil he does! said R―; well, for my part, I should be sorry to have such a leg-as-he (legacy).

1005. The Bishop of Ermeland lost a great portion of his revenues, in consequence of the occupation of part of Poland by the King of Prussia. Soon after this event, in the year 1773, he waited on his majesty at Potsdam; when the king asked him, if he could, after what had happened, still have any friendship for him? Sire! said the prelate, I shall never forget my duty, as a good subject, to my sovereign. I am, replied the king, still your very good friend, and likewise presume much on your friendship towards me; for, should St. Peter refuse my entrance into Paradise, I hope you will have the goodness to hide me under your mantle, and take me in along with you. Sire! returned the bishop, that will, I fear, scarcely be possible: your majesty has cut it too short to admit of my carrying any contraband goods beneath it.

1006. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a plough-boy left his work and went home; but his master seeing him there, told him that he should not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the future he would stay until it rained downright. A day or two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the boy stayed till dusk, and being almost drowned, his master asked him why he did not come home before? Why I should, said the boy, but you zed I shou’dn’t come home vore it rained downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all day long.

1007. A lady desired her butler to be saving of an excellent tun of small beer, and asked him how it might best be preserved. I know of no method so effectual, my lady, said the butler, as placing a barrel of good ale by it.

1008. A humorous fellow being subpœnaed as a witness on a trial for an assault, one of the counsel, who had been notorious for brow-beating witnesses, asked him what distance he was from the parties when the assault happened; he answered, Just four feet five inches and a half. How come you to be so very exact, fellow? said the counsel. Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, said he, and so I measured it.

1009. Francis I. of France, being told the people made very free with his character in their songs, answered, It would be hard indeed not to allow them a song for their money.

1010. An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket (to use his own phrase) had stopped payment, was forced to the sad necessity of perambulating the streets of Edinburgh two nights together for want of a few pence to pay his lodgings, when accidentally hearing a person talk of the Lying-in Hospital, he exclaimed, That’s the place for me! Where is it, honey? for I’ve been lying out these two nights past.

1011. A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship’s stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter’s stage was held. The captain, surprised at the boy’s delay, cried out, Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, why don’t you let go the painter? The boy replied, He’s gone, sir, pots and all.

1012. A young man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, in the hearing of Wewitzer, the player, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. To what, sir? to laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every morning. Then I presume, sir, remarked Wewitzer, you usually breakfast in a timber-yard.

1013. A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship’s company the happiest fellows in the world. How so? asked his friend. Why I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped.

1014. A witness was called upon to testify concerning the reputation of another witness for veracity. Why, said he, I hardly know what to tell you: M― sometimes jests and jokes, and then I don’t believe him; but when he undertakes to tell anything for a fact, I believe him as much as I do the rest of my neighbours.

1015. An Irish journal announced the accouchement of her grace the Duke of Dorset. Next day it was thus corrected: For “her grace the Duke of Dorset,” read “his grace the Duchess of Dorset.”

1016. One evening, Tom Sheridan, after sitting with his father over a bottle, was complaining of the emptiness of his pocket. The right honourable manager told him jocularly, to go on the highway. I have tried that already, said he, but without success. Ah! how? replied the father. Why, resumed he, I stopped a caravan full of passengers, who assured me they had not a farthing, as they all belonged to Drury Lane Theatre, and could not get a penny of their salary.

1017. A man meeting his friend, said, I spoke to you last night in a dream. Pardon me, replied the other, I did not hear you.

1018. An eccentric barber, some years ago, opened a shop under the walls of the King’s Bench prison. The windows being broken when he opened the house he mended them with paper, on which appeared―‘Shave for a penny,’ with the usual invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled these lines:

Here lives Jemmy Wright,
Shaves as well as any man in England,
Almost―not quite.

Foote (who loved anything eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd character, pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through one of the paper panes into the shop, called out, Is Jemmy Wright at home? The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, No, sir, he has just popped out. Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.

1019. A fellow had to cross a river, and entered the boat on horseback; being asked the cause, he replied, I must ride, because I am in a hurry.

1020. Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it! was the pithy answer.

1021. Dr. Boldero, of Jesus College, had been treated with great severity by the protectorate for his attachment to the royal cause, as was also Herring, at that time Bishop of Ely, and in whose gift the mastership of Jesus College is vested. On a vacancy of the mastership occurring, Boldero, without any pretensions to the appointment, presented a petition to the bishop. Who are you? said his lordship, I know nothing of you? I never heard of you before! My lord, replied Boldero, I have suffered long and severely for my attachment to my royal master, as well as your lordship, and I believe your lordship and I have been in all the gaols in England. What does the fellow mean! exclaimed the bishop; Man! I never was confined in any prison but the Tower! And, my lord, said Boldero, I have been in all the rest myself! The bishop’s heart was melted at this reply, and he granted Boldero’s petition.

1022. The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the park, told his companions that he would have some fun with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he went up with great gravity, and, taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, Doctor, I am yours to my shoe-tie. The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow, with My lord, I am yours to the ground. Rochester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying, Doctor, I am yours to the centre. Barrow, with a lowly obeisance, replied, My lord, I am yours to the Antipodes. His lordship, nearly gravelled, exclaimed, Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of hell. There, my lord, said Barrow, sarcastically, I leave you; and walked off.

1023. The following anecdote is related of the great Duke of Marlborough. The duchess was pressing the duke to take a medicine; and, with her usual warmth, said, I’ll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable. Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, Do take it then, my lord duke; for it must be of service, in one way or the other.

1024. Cardinal de Bernis, when only an Abbé, solicited Cardinal Fleury, then fourscore, for some preferment. Fleury told him fairly, he should never have anything in his time. Bernis replied, _Monseigneur, j’attendrai_ [My lord, I shall wait].

1025. Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, having a quarrel with a neighbouring gentleman, who insulted him, and at last told him, his gown was his protection. The doctor replied, It may be mine, but it shall not be yours; and pulling it off, thrashed the aggressor.

1026. In some parish churches it was the custom to separate the men from the women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short, when a woman, eager for the honour of the sex, arose and said, Your reverence, it is not among us. So much the better, answered the priest; it will be over the sooner.

1027. The evening before a battle, an officer came to ask Marshal Toiras for permission to go and see his father, who was at the point of death. Go, said the general, who saw through the pretext; thou shalt honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the earth.

1028. A French gentleman, being married a second time, was often lamenting his first wife before his second, who one day, said to him, _Monsieur, je vous assure qu’il n’y a personne qui la regrette plus que moi_ [I assure you, sir, no one regrets her more than I do].

1029. A methodist in America, bragging how well he had instructed some Indians in religion, called up one of them, and, after some questions, asked him if he had not found great comfort last Sunday, after receiving the sacrament. Ay, master, replied the savage, but I wished it had been brandy.

1030. Towards the close of the reign of George the Second, the beautiful Countess of Coventry talking to his majesty about shows, and thinking only of the figure she herself would make in a procession, told him, the sight she wished most to see was a coronation.

1031. William, Duke of Cumberland, gave promises of talents that were never accomplished. One day he had given some offence to his royal mother, and was remanded to the confinement of his chamber. After what the queen thought a sufficient duration of his punishment, she sent for him. He returned in a very sullen humour. What have you been doing? said the queen. Reading. What book? The New Testament. Very well: what part? Where it is said, Woman, why troublest thou me?

1032. A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the vicar arrived, almost out of breath, and, snatching the book out of the curate’s hands, with great scorn, cried, You the resurrection! “I am the resurrection”―and then went on.

1033. A French officer being just arrived at the court of Vienna, and the empress hearing that he had the day before been in company with a great lady, asked him if it were true that she was the most handsome princess of her time? The officer answered, with great gallantry, Madam, I thought so yesterday.

1034. The _spretæ injuria formæ_ is the greatest with a woman. A man of rank, hearing that two of his female relations had quarrelled, asked, Did they call each other ugly? No. Well, well; I shall soon reconcile them.

1035. Wit, or even what the French term _esprit_, seems little compatible with feeling. Fontenelle was a great egotist, and thought of nothing but himself. One of his old acquaintances went one day to see him at his country house, and said he had come to eat a bit of dinner. What shall we have? Do you like asparagus? said Fontenelle. If you please; but with oil. Oil! I prefer them with sauce. But sauce disagrees with me, replied the guest. Well, well, we will have them with oil. Fontenelle then went out to give his orders; but on his return, found his poor acquaintance dead of an apoplexy. Running to the head of the stairs, he called out, Cook! dress the ’sparagus with sauce.

1036. An ignorant soldier at Quebec, observing some of his comrades stay behind him at church, asked them, on their coming out, what was the reason? They told him, jeeringly, that the parson had treated them with some wine. No other liquor? said the fellow. Seeing he swallowed the bait, they answered, that he might have what liquor he chose. Next Sunday he stayed to have his share; and when the clergyman offered him the wine, he put up his hand to his head, in token of salutation, and said modestly, Please your reverence, I should prefer punch.

1037. A French peer, a man of wit, was making his testament: he had remembered all his domestics, except his steward; I shall leave him nothing, said he, because he has served me these twenty years.

1038. A president of the parliament of Paris asked Langlois, the advocate, why he so often burdened himself with bad causes? My lord, answered the advocate, I have lost so many good ones, that I am puzzled which to take.

1039. Mr. Pitt’s plan, when he had the gout, was to have no fire in his room, but to load himself with bed-clothes. At his house at Hayes he slept in a long room, at one end of which was his bed, and his lady’s at the other. His way was, when he thought the Duke of Newcastle had fallen into any mistake, to send for him, and read him a lecture. The duke was sent for once, and came, when Mr. Pitt was confined to bed by the gout. There was, as usual, no fire in the room; the day was very chilly, and the duke, as usual, afraid of catching cold. The duke first sat down on Mrs. Pitt’s bed as the warmest place; then drew up his legs into it, as he got colder. The lecture unluckily continuing a considerable time, the duke at length fairly lodged himself under Mrs. Pitt’s bed-clothes. A person, (who related the story to Horace Walpole,) suddenly going in, saw the two ministers in bed, at the two ends of the room; while Pitt’s long nose, and black beard unshaved for some days, added to the grotesqueness of the scene.

1040. The Duke of Orleans, the regent, had four daughters, distinguished by the names of the Four Cardinal Sins. A wag wrote on their mother’s tomb, _Cy gist l’Oisiveté_, [Here lies Idleness,] which, you know, is termed the mother of all the vices.

1041. Sir T. Robinson was a tall, uncouth man, and his stature was often rendered still more remarkable by his hunting dress, and postillion’s cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. He was liable to sudden whims; and once set off on a sudden, in his hunting suit, to visit his sister, who was married and settled at Paris.―He arrived while there was a large company at dinner. The servant announced M. Robinson, and he came in, to the great amazement of the guests. Among others, a French abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable to restrain his curiosity any longer, he burst out with, Excuse me, sir, are you the famous Robinson Crusoe so remarkable in history?

1042. General Sutton, brother of Sir Robert Sutton, was very passionate: Sir Robert Walpole the reverse. Sutton being one day with Sir Robert, while his valet de chambre was shaving him, Sir Robert said, John, you cut me;―and then went on with the conversation. Presently, he said again, John, you cut me―and a third time―when Sutton starting up in a rage, and doubling his fist at the servant, swore a great oath, and said, If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot, and if you cut him once more, I’ll knock you down.

1043. We read more of pearls than of diamonds in ancient authors. The ancients had not skill enough to make the most of diamonds; and the art of engraving on them is not older than the sixteenth century. The most remarkable of modern pearls is that in the Spanish treasury, called The Pilgrim. It was in the possession of a merchant, who had paid for it 100,000 crowns. When he went to offer it for sale to Philip IV. the king said, How could you venture to give so much for a pearl? The merchant replied, I knew there was a king of Spain in the world. Philip, pleased with the flattery, ordered him his own price.

1044. Mr. Pennant, the ingenious and pleasing historian, had many peculiarities and eccentricities in his private character, among the latter may be classed his singular antipathy to a wig―which, however, he can suppress, till reason yields a little to wine. But when this is the case, off goes the wig next to him, and into the fire!―Dining once at Chester with an officer who wore a wig, Mr. Pennant became half seas over; and another friend that was in company carefully placed himself between Pennant and wig, to prevent mischief. After much patience, and many a wistful look, Pennant started up, seized the wig, and threw it into the fire. It was in flames in a moment, and so was the officer, who ran to his sword. Down stairs ran Pennant, and the officer after him, through all the streets of Chester. But Pennant escaped, from superior local knowledge. A wag called this “Pennant’s Tour in Chester.”

1045. The harengères, or fish-women at Paris, form a sort of body-corporate. In the time of Louis XIV. the Dauphin having recovered from a long illness, the fish-women deputed four of their troop to offer their congratulations. After some difficulties, the ladies were admitted by the king’s special command, and conducted to the dauphin’s apartment. One of them began a sort of harangue, What would have become of us if our dear dauphin had died? We should have lost our all. The king meanwhile had entered behind, and being extremely jealous of his power and glory, frowned at this ill-judged compliment; when another of the deputation, with a ready wit, regained his good graces, by adding, True; we should have lost our all―for our good king could never have survived his son, and would doubtless have died of grief. The _naïf_ policy of this unexpected turn was much admired.

1046. Lord William Poulet, though often chairman of committees of the House of Commons, was a great dunce, and could scarce read. Being to read a bill for naturalizing Jemima, Duchess of Kent, he called her, Jeremiah, Duchess of Kent. Having heard south walls commended for ripening fruit, he showed all the four sides of his garden for south walls.

1047. Queen Caroline spoke of shutting up St. James’s Park, and converting it into a noble garden for the palace of that name. She asked Sir Robert Walpole what it might probably cost? who replied, Only three crowns.

1048. Cardinal Dubois offered an abbey to a bishop, who refused it, because, he said, he could not reconcile to his conscience the possession of two benefices. The cardinal, in great surprise, said, You should be canonized. I wish, my lord, answered the bishop, that I deserved it; and that you had the power. A delicate reproach of his ambition.

1049. A low Frenchman bragged that the king had spoken to him. Being asked what his majesty had said, he replied, He bade me stand out of his way.

1050. I prefer the quarto size to the octavo: a quarto lies free and open before one. It is surprising how long the world was pestered with unwieldy folios. A Frenchman was asked if he liked books _in folio_ [in the leaf]. No, says he, I like books _in fructu_ [in the fruit].

1051. Lady Sandon was bribed with a pair of diamond earrings, and procured the donor a good place at court. Though the matter was notoriously known, she was so imprudent as to wear them constantly in public. This being blamed in company, Lady Wortley Montague, like Mrs. Candour, undertook Lady Sandon’s defence. And pray, said she, where is the harm? I, for my part, think Lady Sandon acts wisely―for does not the bush show where the wine is sold?

1052. A Jew and a Christian, both Italians, united their endeavours in a snuff-shop. On Saturday, the sabbath, the Jew did not appear; but on Sunday he supplied the place of the Christian. Some scruples were started to the Jew, but he only answered, _Trovata la legge, trovato l’inganno_, [When laws were invented, tricks were invented.]

1053. After the French revolution, Lord Orford was particularly delighted with the story of the Tigre National. A man who showed wild beasts in Paris, had a tiger from Bengal, of the largest species, commonly called the Royal Tiger. But when royalty, and everything royal, was abolished, he was afraid of a charge of incivism; and, instead of Tigre Royal, put on his sign-board, Tigre National.

1054. An attorney in France having bought a charge of bailiff for his son, advised him never to work in vain, but to raise contributions on those who wanted his assistance. What, father! said the son in surprise, would you have me sell justice? Why not? answered the father: is so scarce an article to be given for nothing?

1055. A father wished to dissuade his daughter from any thoughts of matrimony. She who marries does well, said he; but she who does not marry does better. Father, answered the girl meekly, I am content with doing well; let her do better who can.

1056. A gentleman, travelling on a journey, having a light guinea which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him to pass it upon the road. At night he asked him if he had passed the guinea. Yes, sir, replied Teague, but I was forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a turnpike, where I had fourpence to pay, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it into his pocket, and never saw it.

1057. A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they advanced in years, and _vice versâ_. What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been! returned the child.

1058. At an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the moral questions was, Give a definition of happiness. To which one of the candidates returned the following laconic answer, An exemption from Payne.

1059. A student of St. John’s College, who was remarkable for his larks and eccentricities, during the time he was dining in hall, called to a _bon vivant_, at another table, to say, that he had got a fine fox in his rooms, for him. This being overheard by the marker, who was a kind of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a certain dean, and who understood the student in a literal sense, he informed the dean of the circumstance. The student was very soon summoned before the master and seniors, for what he knew not; however, on entering, he was informed, they had learned he kept a fox in his rooms, a thing not to be tolerated by the college. It is very true, replied the accused; I have a bust of Charles James Fox, at your service.

1060. When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription? No, truly, doctor, replied Nash, if I had I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two pair of stairs window.

1061. The son of a fond father, when going to war, promised to bring home the head of one of the enemy. His parent replied, I should be glad to see you come home without a head, provided you come safe.

1062. Dr. Cheyne, of Bath, and a Mr. Santly, were deemed the two fattest men in Somersetshire. When they were once sitting together after dinner, Cheyne asked the other what made him look so melancholy? Faith, replied he, I was thinking how it will be possible for the people to get either you or me to the grave after we die. Why, as to me, replied Cheyne, six or eight stout fellows will do the business, but you must be taken at twice.

1063. A spark being brought before a magistrate, on a charge of horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he saw him, exclaimed, I see a villain in your countenance. It is the first time, said the prisoner, very coolly, that I knew my countenance was a looking-glass.

1064. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair. Ah! doctor, exclaimed his lordship, what brings you here, among these high bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an ass? My lord, replied the tutor, I soon perceived you among these horses.

1065. A French officer was speaking at a table-d’hote of his first impressions on seeing English soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them, by saying, that they had faces as round as Cheshire cheeses. An English officer replied, Monsieur, you are very polite; and allow me to say, that if your soldiers had shown us a little more of their faces, and less of their backs, I should be very happy to return you the compliment.

1066. The late Right Hon. Charles James Fox, in the course of a speech he made in the House of Commons, when enlarging on the influence exercised by government over the members, observed, that it was generally understood that the minister employed a person as manager of the House of Commons; here there was a general cry of Name him! name him! No, said Mr. Fox, I don’t choose to name him, though I might do it as easy as say Jack Robinson. This was really his name.