Chapter VI: Part 6

588. An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to a friend, waited a considerable time for the customary fee, but not finding it likely to appear, he scratched his head, and said, Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you? what would your honour have me tell him?

589. An Irish gentleman called at the General Post Office, and inquired whether there were any letters for him; the clerk asked for his address. Sure, said he, you will find it on the back of the letter.―A circumstance somewhat similar occurred a few years ago, when a gentleman inquired if there was any letter for him. The clerk asked his name; he replied, What the devil makes you so impertinent as to ask any gentleman’s name? Give me my letter, that’s all you have to do!

590. An Irish labourer being told that the price of bread had been lowered, exclaimed, This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best friend.

591. An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with the gallant Nelson, used to pray in these words every night when he went to his hammock: God be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever killed me; God bless the world, and success to the British navy.

592. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carriage, asked Foote for a motto. There is one from Hamlet, said the wit, that will match you to a button-hole, “List, list; oh! list.”

593. A gentleman, some years since, being obliged to ask pardon of the House of Commons on his knees, when he rose up, he brushed the knees of his breeches, saying, I was never in so dirty a house in my life.

594. A justice of the peace, who was possessed with the itch of scribbling, and had written a book which he meant to publish, sent it to Ben Jonson for his opinion, who, finding it full of absurdities, returned it, with his compliments, and recommended his worship to send it to the house of correction.

595. One day Charlotte Smith was walking along Piccadilly, when the tray of a butcher’s boy came in sudden contact with her shoulder, and dirtied her dress. The deuce take the tray, exclaimed she, in a pet. Ah, but the deuce can’t take the tray, replied young rump-steak, with the greatest gravity.

596. George the First, on a journey to Hanover, stopped at a village in Holland, and while the horses were getting ready, he asked for two or three eggs, which were brought him, and charged two hundred florins. How is this? said his majesty, eggs must be very scarce in this place. Pardon me, said the host, eggs are plenty enough, but kings are scarce. The king smiled, and ordered the money to be paid.

597. A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was thus accosted by his landlord: John, I am going to raise your rent. John replied, Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself.

598. Two bucks riding on the western road on a Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock of sheep towards the metropolis; when one of them accosted him with, Prithee, Jack, which is the way to Windsor? How did you know my name was Jack? said the boy, staring in their faces. We are conjurors, young Hobnail, said the gentlemen, laughing. Oh! be you! then you don’t want I to show you the way to Windsor, replied the lad, pursuing his journey.

599. Two gentlemen were walking in the High Street, Southampton, one day, about that hour which the industrious damsels of the mop and brush usually devote to cleansing the pavement before the door. It happened that the bucket used upon such occasions was upon the stones, and one of the gentlemen stumbled against it. My dear friend, exclaimed the other, I lament your death exceedingly! My death! Yes, you have just kicked the bucket. Not so, rejoined his friend, I have only turned a little pale (pail).

600. A bill was once brought into the House of Assembly at Jamaica, for regulating wharfingers. Mr. P. Phipps, a distinguished member, rose and said, Mr. Speaker, I very much approve of the bill; the wharfingers are all a set of knaves; I was one myself ten years.

601. An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun near the Seven Dials, and underneath was written, A. Moon, the man’s name who kept it being Aaron Moon. The Irishman, thinking he had discovered a just cause for triumph, roared out to his companion, Only see, Phelim! see here! they talk of the Irish bulls; only do but see now! here’s a fellow puts up the Rising Sun, and calls it A Moon.

602. A grocer, in Dublin, announces that he has whiskey on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while he was in Ireland.

603. A servant girl, who always attended divine service, but who also could not read, had, from constant attendance, got the service by rote, and could repeat it extremely well. But a few Sundays previous to her marriage, she was accompanied in the same pew by her beau, to whom she did not like it to be known that she could not read; she, therefore, took up the prayer-book, and held it before her. Her lover wished to have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for her, she held it upside down. The man astonished, said, Good heavens! why you have the book wrong side upwards. I know it, sir, said she, confusedly, I always read so, I am left-handed.

604. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, in an elegant negligée dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. Waiter, said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, Waiter, fetch me a dish of coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr! Quin, in a voice of thunder, immediately vociferated, Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as h-ll, and strong as d―t―n. The beau, starting, exclaimed in his feminine way, Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman’s name? Quin, in the same tremendous tone, exclaimed, Waiter, pray what is that lady’s name?

605. An old female methodist preached about the country, that she had been eleven months in heaven. One of the audience started up and said, It was a pity that she did not stay the other odd month, as she might then have gained a legal settlement.

606. Two actors belonging to Covent Garden Theatre, being on their way to Brighton, stopped at an inn to change horses, where there was a coach coming towards London, waiting the same accommodation, on the roof of which was seated a farmer’s man, who hailed the two actors thus: So, masters, you are going a mumming I see. How the devil does that fellow know we are performers? said one of the actors. Don’t you see he’s on the stage himself? replied the other.

607. The tradesmen of a certain great man, having dunned him for a long time, he desired his servant one morning to admit the tailor who had not been so constant in his attendance as the rest. When he made his appearance, My friend, said he to him, I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that I’ll never pay you a farthing! Now go home, mind your business, and don’t lose your time by calling here.―As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom I have no affection, and they may come as often as they choose.

608. Atterbury, Bishop of Rochester, when a certain bill was brought into the House of Lords, said, among other things, That he prophesied last winter this bill would be attempted in the present session, and he was sorry to find that he had proved a true prophet. Lord Coningsby, who spoke after the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired the house to remark, That his right reverend friend had set himself forth as a prophet; but for his part he did not know what prophet to liken him to, unless to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved by his own ass. The bishop, in a reply, with great wit and calmness, exposed this rude attack, concluding thus:―Since the noble lord had discovered in our manners such a similitude, I am content to be compared to the prophet Balaam; but, my lords, I am at a loss to make out the other part of the parallel; where is the ass? I am sure I have been reproved by nobody but his lordship.

609. A man in the habit of travelling, complained to his friend, that he had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad; he was advised to carry pistols with him on his journey. Oh! that would be still worse, replied the hero, the thieves would rob me of them also.

610. When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded with irons, who had long been a terror to the country. Among others was a banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest estimation, who assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, Ah! sir, I did not expect that from you; indeed, I did not; for you well know, that when all the country refused your notes, I took them.

611. When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, the delay of which had quite exhausted the patience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the following terms:―“Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he has done with him.” To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor replied in this smart retort: “Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything.”

612. A man was sitting in his study at work, when one of his neighbours came running to tell him that the back part of his house must be on fire, as it smoked excessively: Oh! answered the man, be so good as to tell my wife, for I do not concern myself at all with the housekeeping.

613. An old woman that sold ale, being at church, fell asleep during the sermon, and unluckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, which making a great noise, she exclaimed, half awake, So, you jade, there’s another jug broke.

614. The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a devout Catholic, passing one day from her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, through a lane of beggars, who are there certainly the best actors in Europe, in the display of counterfeit misery, her ladyship’s notice was particularly attracted by one fellow apparently more wretched than the rest, and she asked him, Pray, my good man, what is the matter with you? The fellow, who well knew her simplicity and benevolence, answered, Oh! my lady, I’m deaf and dumb. Poor man! replied the innocent lady, how long have you been so? Ever since I had the fever last Christmas. The poor lady presented him with half-a-crown, and went away commiserating his misfortune.

615. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman with large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son’s heart. One day he requested Tom to walk with him, and soon entered on the subject of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glowing colours the advantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with the utmost patience, and then descanted on the perfections of the woman who proved the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, and expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I’ll cut you off with a shilling! Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and, looking archly at his father, said, Then, sir, you must borrow it. Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.

616. About the year 1762, a colonel in command in the West Indies, was ordered to disembark his corps for the attack of one of the islands. In stepping into a boat he fell overboard, and the current was carrying him rapidly from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after him, kept him afloat till a boat was despatched to his assistance, and put him on board again in safety. One of Jack’s mess-mates having observed the colonel put something into the hand of his deliverer, stepped up to him, and exclaimed, Dam―me, Jack, you’re in luck to-day, aye! and eagerly opening his hand, expected at least to share in a can of grog; but on discovering the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer, and whispered his messmate, Never mind, Jack, every man knows the value of his life best.

617. A rich, but miserly man, invited a poor acquaintance to dine with him, and when they were seated at table, helped him to a very small piece of meat; upon which, the poor man, starting from his chair, exclaimed, I’m blind! I’m blind! I’m blind! The other, astonished at this sudden misfortune, begged his guest to resume his seat, and try if he could not see at all; on this, the poor man, taking up his plate, said, I think I can see a little bit.

618. A gentleman happening to remark, one intensely hot evening, that Parliament would soon be dissolved, a young lady immediately added, So shall we all, if this weather continues.

619. Soon after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley, taking a walk, met a stout Indian begging, and saying he could get no work. The governor told him to go to his house, and he would give him work. But, said the negro, why you no work, massa? O, said the governor, my head works. The man, however, turned out an idle good-for-nothing fellow, and his master found it necessary one day to have him flogged. With this view he gave him a letter, desiring him to carry it to the keeper of the workhouse. The negro, suspecting its contents, committed it to the care of one of his comrades, who got a sound whipping for his trouble. The governor having learned this, asked Mungo why he did so? O, massa, said he, head work.

620. When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he gave frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited, not excepting the ambassador of France, with whose nation we were then on the point of breaking. In return, the Abbé de Ville, the French ambassador, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions. The Abbé was a man of vivacity, and fond of punning. Agreeable to this humour, he one day proposed a toast in these terms: “The Rising Sun, my master,” alluding to the device and motto of Louis XIV.; which was pledged by the whole company. It came then to the Baron de Reisback’s turn to give a toast; and he, to countenance the Abbé, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress queen; which was greatly applauded. The turn then came to the Earl of Stair, on whom all eyes were fastened; but that nobleman, whose presence of mind never forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the name of Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still.

621. A Frenchman having called for some liquor at a public-house in England, was surprised at receiving it in a glass, alleging, he thought it appeared very little. You have enough for your money, replied the host, gruffly. That may be, said the other, but in France they always bring it in a measure. Ay, said the landlord, like enough; but we do not want to introduce French measures here.

622. The Khalif Haroun Alraschid was accosted one day by a poor woman, who complained that his soldiers had pillaged her house, and laid waste her grounds. The khalif desired her to remember the words of the Koran, That when princes go forth to battle, the people, through whose fields they pass, must suffer. Yes, said the woman, but it is also written in the same book, that the habitations of those princes, who authorize the injustice, shall be made desolate. This bold and just reply had a powerful effect on the khalif, who ordered immediate reparation to be made.

623. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and was about to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught a glance of her countenance, and instantly exclaimed, Love and bless you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your eyes! It is said the duchess was so delighted with this compliment, that she frequently afterwards checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her charms, by saying, Oh! after the dustman’s compliment, all others are insipid.

624. A man carrying a cradle, was stopped by an old woman, and thus accosted: So, sir, you have got some of the fruits of matrimony. Softly, softly, old lady, said he, you mistake, this is merely the fruit-basket.

625. A Jew who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-travellers hanged; and being asked, Why he did not get about his business, he said, He waited to see if he could bargain with Maisther Ketsch for the two gentlemen’s clothes.

626. An English drummer having strolled from the camp, approached the French lines, and before he was aware, was seized by the piquet, and carried before the commander, on suspicion of being a spy, disguised in a drummer’s uniform. On being questioned, however, he honestly told the truth, and declared who and what he was. This not gaining credit, a drum was sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of marches, which he readily performed, and thus removed the Frenchman’s suspicion of his assuming a fictitious character. But, my lad, said he, let me now hear you beat a retreat. A retreat? replied the drummer; I don’t know what it is, nor is it known in the English service! The French officer was so pleased with this spirited remark, that he dismissed the poor fellow, with a letter of recommendation to his general.

627. A very volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I hope you’ll mend. Madam, said he, you may depend upon it, this is my last folly.

628. Susan, said an Irish footman the other day to his fellow servant, what are the joy bells ringing for again? In honour of the Duke of York’s birthday, Mr. Murphy. Be aisy now, rejoined the Hibernian, none of your blarney―sure ’twas the Prince Regent’s on Tuesday, and how can it be his brother’s to-day, unless, indeed, they were twins?

629. When General R― was quartered at a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged, whenever they got into their carriage, by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities, and fresh tales of distress. At last the general’s charity and the lady’s patience were nearly exhausted, though their petitioner’s wit was still in its pristine vigour. One morning, at the accustomed hour, and close by the side of the carriage, the old woman began―Agh! my lady, success to your ladyship, and success to your honour’s honour this morning, of all the days in the year, for sure didn’t I dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of ta (tea) and that your honour gave me a pound of tobacco. But, my good woman, said the general, don’t you know that dreams always go by the rule of contrary? Do they so, plase your honour? rejoined the old woman; then it must be your honour that will give me the ta, and her ladyship that will give me the ’bacco.

630. A party of bon vivants, who had recently dined at a celebrated tavern, after having drank an immense quantity of wine, rang for the bill. It was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company, (not quite so far gone as the rest,) that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk by seven persons. True, sir, said Boniface, but your honour forgets the three gentlemen under the table.

631. The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his master, Arrah, an plase your honour, can anything be said to be lost, when you know where it is? Certainly not, replied the captain. Why then your kettle is at the bottom of the sea.

632. Amiral Keppel being sent to Algiers, for the purpose of demanding satisfaction for the injuries done to his Britannic Majesty’s subjects, by the corsairs of that state, the Dey, enraged at the boldness of the ambassador, exclaimed, that he wondered at the insolence of the English monarch, in sending him a message by a foolish beardless boy. The admiral immediately replied, That if his master had supposed wisdom was to be measured by length of beard, he would have sent his Deyship a billy-goat.

633. When Lord Anson once attacked a French squadron in the Bay of Biscay, and L’Invincible struck, Monsieur de la Jonquieu, who was the commander, was brought aboard the admiral’s ship, where seeing Le Glorieux, another of his squadron, engaged with an English vessel of superior force, he bowed, surrendered his sword, and said, My Lord, you have conquered the Invincible, and Glory must follow.

634. A fellow who loved laughing better than his meat, put a number of rams’ horns into a basket, and went up and down the streets at the west end of the town, crying, New fruit, new fruit, ho! as loud as he could bawl. Lord ― hearing the noise, put his head out of his drawing-room window, and asked the fellow to show him his fruit; which having looked at, he asked him if he was not ashamed thus to disturb a quiet neighbourhood; for who the devil, said the peer, do you think will buy horns? Well, master, replied the fellow, do not put yourself in a passion; though you are provided, I may meet with other men that are not.

635. Dean ―, when residing on a living in the country, had occasion one day to unite a rustic couple in the holy bands of matrimony. The ceremony being over, the husband began “to sink in resolution,” and falling (as some husbands might do) into a fit of repentance, he said, Your reverence has tied this knot tightly, I fancy, but, under favour, may I ask your reverence, if so be you could untie it again? Why no, replied the Dean, we never do that on this part of the consecrated ground. Where then? cried the man eagerly. On that, pointing to the burial ground.

636. An Irish gentleman, in the warmth of national feeling, was praising Ireland for the cheapness of provisions; a salmon, he said, might be bought for sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for twopence. And pray, sir, how came you to leave so cheap a country? Arrah, my dear honey! exclaimed the Irishman, just because there were no sixpences and twopences to be got.

637. The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical compliments, but one of their admired writers, speaking of a lady’s black eyes, said, That they were in mourning for the murders they had committed.

638. An old gentleman of eighty-four, having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him: The font is at the other end of the church. What do I want with the font? said the old gentleman. Oh! I beg your pardon, said the clerical wit, I thought you had brought this child to be christened.

639. In a great storm at sea, when the ship’s crew were all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it―Why, said he, I was laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain’s red nose will make when it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion they brought the vessel safe into port.

640. A bon vivant of fashion, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been seriously taken leave of by Dr. Pitcairn, and being told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o’clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, which having accomplished with difficulty, his loudest effort not exceeding a whisper, he said, with the true spirit of a gambler, Doctor, I’ll bet you a bottle I live till nine!

641. Two Irish bricklayers were working at some houses, and one of them was boasting of the steadiness with which he could carry a load to any height. The other contested the point, and the conversation ended in a bet that he could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the top of the building. The experiment was made: Pat placed himself in the hod, and his comrade, after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded in taking him up. Without any reflection on the danger he had escaped, the loser observed to the winner, To be sure, I have lost; but don’t you remember, about the third story you made a slip―I was then in hopes.

642. The Rev. Caleb Colton, nephew of Sir George Staunton, has related in a recent publication, the following anecdote: My late uncle, Sir G. Staunton told me a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, Is any man well in England that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you, said he, how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are usually short.

643. The late Lord Norbury, some time since going as a judge on the Munster circuit, was, as usual, so strict in the administration of criminal justice, that few, of whose guilt there were any strong grounds of suspicion, were suffered to escape, merely through any slovenly flaws in the wording of their indictments, or doubts upon the testimony. Dining, as usual, with the seniors of the bar, at an inn, a gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked leave to help his lordship to part of a pickled tongue. Lord Norbury replied, he did not like pickled tongue; but if it had been hung, he would try it. Mr. Curran, who sat on the other side, said, that the defect was easily obviated; for if his lordship would only try it, it would certainly be hung.

644. A clergyman was reading the burial service over an Irish corpse, and having forgot which sex it was, on coming to that part of the ceremony which reads thus: our dear brother or sister, the reverend gentleman stopped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whispering to him, said, Is it a brother or a sister? Pat answered, Neither, it is only a relation.

645. Sir J. S. Hamilton, lounging one day in Dalby’s chocolate house, when, after a long drought there fell a torrent of rain: a country gentleman observed, This is a most delightful rain; It will bring up everything out of the ground. By Jove, sir, said Sir John, I hope not; for I have sown three wives, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again.

646. The father of an Irish student, seeing his son doing something improper, How now, sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so when I was a boy?

647. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman well known for his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, It was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. It is so, said her grace, but why don’t you advise him better? He seems to be a pen that everybody cuts, but nobody mends.

648. David Hume and R. B. Sheridan were crossing the water to Holland, when a high gale arising, the philosopher seemed under great apprehension lest he should go to the bottom. Why, said his friend, that will suit your genius to a tittle; as for my part, I am only for skimming the surface.

649. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and wise. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I., But by what laws, said his opponent, was he put to death? By all the laws that he had left them.

650. An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near the inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeatedly, with as little success; he then opened the door, and walked in. On looking about, he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus: Are there any Christians in this house? No, was the reply, we are all Camerons.

651. Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of wine, made up for the deficiency of port by the liveliness of their wit. After many jokes had passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his friend, said, If this nut could speak, what would it say? Why, rejoined the other, it would say, give me none of your jaw.

652. A gentleman indisposed, and confined to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in his garden. The servant was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find the time, carried the sun-dial to his master, saying, Arrah, now look at it yourself: it is indeed all a mystery to me.

653. A gentleman in the West Indies, who had frequently promised his friends to leave off drinking, without their discovering any improvement, was one morning called on early by an intimate friend, who met the negro boy at his door. Well, Sambo, said he, where is your master? Massa gone out, sare, was the reply. And has he left off drinking yet? rejoined the first. Oh yes, sure, said Sambo, massa leave off drinking―he leave off two-tree time dis morning.

654. An Irishman having been summoned to the Court of Requests at Guildhall, by an apothecary, for medicines, was asked by one of the commissioners what the plaintiff had from time to time served him with, to which he gave suitable answers. And pray, said the commissioner, what was the last thing he served you with? Why, your honour, replied the honest Hibernian, the last thing he served me with, please you, was the summons.

655. When George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the general was mad. Oh! he is mad, is he! said the king, with great quickness, then I wish he would bite some of my other generals.

656. A sailor who had served on board the Romney, with Sir Home Popham, after returning home from India, finding that wigs were all in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise of his companions. On being asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea.

657. A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in search of something, she asked him what he looked for. I believe, madam, said he, I have dropped a guinea. No, sir, replied the lady, it is I that have dropped it.

658. A prudent poet, about the beginning of the civil, or rather uncivil, troubles for men of his kidney, in England’s rebellious days, was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he would be buried? With my face downward; for in a short time England will be turned upside down, and then I shall be right.

659. A boy having run away from school to go to sea, his friends wrote to him, that death would be perpetually staring him in the face; to which he replied, Well, what of that? every ship is provided with shrouds.

660. A facetious fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no gentleman. Are you a gentleman? asked the droll one. Yes, sir, bounced the fop. Then I am very glad I am not, replied the other.

661. Why you have never opened your mouth this session, said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas, replied Mr. Gye; your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning.

662. A person who was famous for arriving just at dinner-time, upon going to a friend’s (where he was a frequent dropper in), was asked by the lady of the house if he would do as they did. On his replying he should be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, Dine at home then. A _quietus_ for some time at least.

663. As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him, and said, Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy? No, sir, replied the alderman. I am studying gastronomy. His friend looked astonished, and the baronet replied, Do you doubt my voracity? No, Sir William.

664. A certain cit, who had suddenly risen into wealth by monopolies and contracts, from a very low condition in life, stood up in the pit of the opera with his hat on; the Duchess of Gordon whispered to a lady, We must forgive that man: he has so short a time been used to the luxury of a hat, that he does not know when to pull it off.

665. A person disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel.

666. A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides for a mango. As he rolled it along the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kind of grape very common in the East Indies: upon which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman as eminent for his wit as for his skill in his profession, neatly observed, How naturally man-goes to kiss-miss.

667. At one of those large convivial parties which distinguished the table of Major Hobart, when he was Secretary in Ireland, amongst the usual loyal toasts, The wooden walls of England! being given, Sir John Hamilton, in his turn, gave The wooden walls of Ireland! The toast being quite new, he was asked for an explanation: upon which, filling a bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquis of Waterford and several country gentlemen, who commanded county regiments, he said, My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of giving you The wooden walls of Ireland―the colonels of militia.

668. When it was debated about sending bishops to America, much was said pro and con. One gentleman wondered that anybody should object to it; For my part, said he, I wish all our bishops were sent to America.

669. Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the bishop. Do, said the doctor, and my lord bishop will confirm you.

670. Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. Why, said Ralph, they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any longer.

671. Piavano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that in all his life he never spoke truth. Except, replied another, at this present moment.

672. A Cantab, who happened to be under Sir B. Harwood, when professor, was enjoined to live temperately, as a cure for his malady. The doctor called upon him one day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of Madeira. Ah, doctor! exclaimed the patient, at the same time reaching out his hand to bid him welcome, I am glad to see you; you are just in time to taste the first bottle of some prime Madeira! Ah! replied Sir Busack, these bottles of Madeira will never do―they are the cause of all your sufferings! Are they so? cried the patient, then fill your glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better.

673. A late wit, at the time when the revolutionary names of the months (Thermidor, Floréal, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to extend the innovation to our own language, somewhat on the following model: Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy; Showery, Lowery, Flowery, Bowery; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy.

674. A duel, between M. de Langerie and M. de Montande, both remarkable for their ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place of fighting, M. de Langerie stared his adversary in the face, and said, I have just reflected; I can’t fight with you. With this he returned his sword to its scabbard. How, sir, what does this mean? It means that I shall not fight. What! you insult me, and refuse to give me satisfaction? If I have insulted you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I have an insurmountable reason for not fighting with you. But, sir, may one know it? It will offend you. No, sir. You assure me? Yes, I assure you. Well, sir, this it is: if we fight, according to all appearances I shall kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow in the kingdom. His adversary could not help laughing, and they returned to the city good friends.

675. A clergyman, on leaving church, was complimented by one of his friends on the discourse he had been delivering. South himself, exclaimed the delighted auditor, never preached a better. You are right, replied the honest divine,―it was the very best he ever did preach.

676. On a remarkably hot summer’s day, an Irishman, thinly and openly dressed, sitting down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned against catching cold. Catch it? said he, wiping his face, where? I wish I could catch it.

677. Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots―these attracting the notice of some of his friends, Now guess, said he, how I came by these boots? Many probable guesses then took place. No! said Sheridan, no, you’ve not hit it, nor ever will; I bought them, and paid for them.

678. A gentleman, long famous for the aptitude of his puns, observing a violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it the battle of A-gin-court.

679. When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that, probably, the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the honour. Well, but, said Lord S., perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it. Then let the king knight her, answered the rough seaman.

680. A father, exhorting his son to early rising, related a story of a person who, early one morning, found a large purse of money. Well, replied the youth, but the person who lost it rose earlier.

681. Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Martin the thinness of the house at one of his own plays, added, He supposed it was owing to the war. No, replied the latter, it is owing to the piece.

682. A physician being sent for, by a maker of universal specifics, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently so trifling. Not so trifling neither, replied the quack, for, to tell you the truth, I have taken some of my own pills.

683. About the time when Murphy so successfully attacked the stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce of ‘The Apprentice,’ an eminent poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, who, he understood, was that evening to make his _debut_ in Lear, and entered the room at the moment he was exclaiming, “I am the king; you cannot touch me for coining.” No, you dog, cried the enraged master, catching the mad monarch by his collar, but I can for not picking the ducks.

684. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering about his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively, and at last saw him alight upon his master’s nose, and immediately fly off again. Ah! exclaimed the negro, me glad to see you burn your foot.

685. Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old Chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.

686. Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the times; and perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons passing over their heads, he exclaimed, How happy are those pigeons! they have no acceptances to provide for. To which the other replied, You are rather in error, my friend, for they have their bills to provide for as well as we!

687. An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend of his recommended him to one of our famous oculists, with whom he agreed to give ten guineas for a very beautiful one shown him among the rest. He actually called the next day to abuse him for having sold him an eye with which he could not see.

688. An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and the surgeon of the regiment, after several attempts to restore him, declaring him incurable, was discharged. He, a short time afterwards enlisted in another corps, and being recognized by an old comrade, and questioned how he learned to speak? By the powers, replied Terence, ten guineas would make any man speak.

689. A singer once complaining to Mr. Jeffery, that himself and his brother (both of whom were deemed simpletons), had been ordered to take ass’s milk, but that on account of its expensiveness, he hardly knew what they should do. Do! cried Mr. Jeffery, why suck one another, to be sure.

690. A Cantab, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Stevenson, the bookseller, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you? Nah, sar, retorted the urchin, I takes ’em as they come!

691. An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he’d lock him up in the ice-house, and warm his jacket.

692. Swift’s Stella, who was an Irish lady, being extremely ill, her physician said, Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of the hill, but we shall endeavour to get you up again. She replied, Doctor, I am afraid I shall be out of breath before I get to the top again.

693. A lady observing in company, how glorious and useful a body the sun was,―Why, yes, madam, said an Irish gentleman present, the sun is a very fine body, to be sure; but, in my opinion, the moon is much more useful; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we really want it; whereas we have the sun with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it.

694. Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish patriot, having, after a very sharp contest, carried the election as a representative in parliament for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days after, by a lady whose whole family were very warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candidate; Well, doctor, said she, I find you have gained the election. Yes, madam. No wonder, sir: all the blackguards voted for you. No, madam, your two sons did not, returned the doctor.

695. Anthony Pasquin one day leaning over the Margate Pier, after a tremendous storm on the preceding night, You have had a blustering night of it, said he, to an Irish sailor, who stood near him, but after a storm comes a calm. By my sowl, and so it ought, said Pat, for the winds and the waves had a hard night’s bout of it, and it’s time for them to rest themselves.

696. An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of the clergy in exacting their tithes, said, By Jasus, let a farmer be ever so poor, they won’t fail to make him pay his full tenths, whether he can or not; nay, they would instead of a tenth take a twentieth, if the law permitted them.

697. When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his assistance to America, Pray, doctor, said the veteran, what is the object you mean to attain? Liberty, sire, replied the philosopher of Philadelphia: liberty! that freedom which is the birth-right of man. The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer: I was born a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade.

698. Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, one went to the other’s door early in the morning, and wrote ‘Scoundrel’ upon it. The other called upon his neighbour, and was answered by his servant, that his master was not at home, but if he had anything to say he might leave it with him. No, no, said he, I was only going to return your master’s visit, as he left his name at my door this morning.

699. A robustious countryman, meeting a physician, ran to hide behind a wall; being asked the cause, he replied, It is so long since I have been sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face.

700. A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in haste to a fellow-student to borrow, who happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking him, the Cantab demanded, Are you asleep? Why? said the student. Because, replied the other, I want to borrow half-a-crown. Then, answered the student, I’m asleep.

701. Through an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. The late Professor Porson, on a time, walking that way with a friend and observing the church, remarked, That it put him in mind of a fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a church at the end of it.

702. A certain lodging-house was very much infested by vermin; a gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, La, sir, we haven’t a single one in the house. No, ma’am, said he, they’re all married, and have large families too.

703. One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at the Zoological Society’s Garden, mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited the garden _incog._ on a particular day. Why, said the person he was informing, It is odd we never heard of it! Oh, not at all, at all, rejoined Pat: for she didn’t come like a queen; but clane and dacent like another lady!

704. An officer in full regimentals passing through a street in Dublin, apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, Hold off, you black rascal. You were as black as me before you were boiled, cried sooty.

705. Voltaire, in the presence of an Englishman, was one day enlarging with great warmth in the praise of Haller, extolling him as a great poet, a great naturalist, and a man of universal attainments. The Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was handsome in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire. Alas! said Voltaire, with an air of philosophic indulgence, I dare to say we are both very much mistaken!

706. One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was with his majesty King George III., it was announced that his majesty’s horse was ready to start for hunting. Sir Isaac, said the monarch, are you a judge of horses? In my younger days, please your majesty, was the reply, I was a great deal among them. What do you think of this, then? said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favourite; and without waiting for an answer, added, We call him Perfection. A most appropriate name, replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, for he bears the best of characters!

707. At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergyman, not educated in the school of Tattersall, appeared as a witness. He was confused in giving his evidence, and a furious blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim, Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow? I acknowledge my ignorance, replied the clergyman: I hardly know the difference between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull; only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully, bowing respectfully to the counsellor, luckily for me, has none.

708. In a certain company, the conversation having fallen on the subject of craniology, and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to among others, a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ.

709. The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately complaining, that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. I am, said he, my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own cornet. And trumpeter also, I presume, said a certain witty duchess.

710. The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully; during which time he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him, that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. Why, indeed, said the doctor, I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer.

711. Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for his elegant repartee, being in company with the beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, Are we never again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace’s society in Edinburgh? Oh! said she, Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it. Madam, replied the gallant barrister, the sun might as well say, this is a vile dark morning, I won’t rise to-day.