Chapter IV: Part 4

359. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, he was asked to stay to dinner; which he accepting, the gentleman stepped into the next room, and told his wife he had invited the doctor to dinner, and desired her to provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and scold, and make a thousand words, till at last her husband, being very much provoked at her behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the stranger in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon which the doctor, who had heard all that passed, immediately stepped out, crying, I beg, sir, you’ll make no stranger of me.

360. A woman of bad character who had lived in Clerkenwell, having left by her will a handsome sum of money to be given to the Rev. Dr. Lee, to preach her funeral sermon, but on condition that he should say nothing but what was well of her. Her executors accordingly waited on the doctor, and acquainted him with the conditions of the will; who being very much surprised at such a request, desired them to call again, and he would consider of it. Soon after they came again when he agreed that on the money being paid directly, he would preach the following Sunday. The doctor kept his word, and taking the text, “Blessed are they,” &c., made an excellent sermon on a well-spent life, and the reward they would have in the next world; concluding, Dear friends, said he, as for the deceased, of whom I am now going to speak (which caused great attention from the congregation), all I shall say of her is, that she was born at Camberwell, lived great part of her time in Bridewell, and died in Clerkenwell, and at last has done well; then let us pray that she may fare well, &c., &c.

361. The Rev. Mr. B―n coming from Holland with the King, a terrible hurricane arising, the sloop was in great danger of being lost. The facetious Mr. B―d, of Albemarle-street, being in the cabin with him, and very willing to prepare himself for another world, desired him to take notice, that if they were cast away, the shirt he had on belonged to Mr. G―, and that he might have it again; then falling on his knees, he attempted to rehearse the Lord’s Prayer, but with such a tone as affrighted the ship’s crew; on which the captain running down, desired him to pray to himself; and to his great surprise found the doctor stripping himself: Pray, doctor, said he, what do you design to do? Oh, said he, let him pray; I design to swim for my life.

362. The Lord Chief Justice Wh―d, of the King’s Bench in Ireland, being esteemed a very able lawyer, and Judge C―d and B―t but very indifferent ones; Well, said an attorney of that court, no bench was ever supplied like ours, for we have got a hundred judges upon it. A hundred! said another, how can that be? Why, replied the other, there is a figure of one, and two ciphers.

363. One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster, in Ireland, coming into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a hand to pull off his great coat: Indeed, sir, said he, I dare not. Dare not! replied the other, what do you mean by that? You know, sir, answered he, there is an act of parliament against stripping of Ash.

364. King Charles the Second, after the Restoration, told Waller the poet, that he had made better verses and said finer things of Cromwell than of him. That may very well be, replied Waller, for poets generally succeed better in imaginary things, than in real ones.

365. An honest French dragoon in the service of Louis the Fourteenth, having caught a man of whom he was jealous in the room with his wife, after some words, told him, he would let him escape that time; but if ever he found him there again, he’d throw his hat out of the window. Notwithstanding this terrible threat, in a very few days he caught the spark in the same place, and was as good as his word. Knowing what he had done, he posted away to a place where the king was, and throwing himself at his majesty’s feet, implored his pardon. The king asked him what his offence was? he told him the story, and how he had thrown the man’s hat out of the window. Well, well, said the king, laughing, I very readily forgive you; considering your provocation, I think you were much in the right to throw his hat out of the window. Yes, and may it please you, my liege, said the dragoon, but his head was in it. Was it so? replied the king: well, my word is passed.

366. A young and learned gentleman, who was to preach a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city, and had but a bad voice, though otherwise an excellent preacher; a friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody’s voice against him but his own.

367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be brought under the head of jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and the politeness of the expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was the answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them? No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I won’t pretend to say that, but I believe half the number would try.

368. Sir John H. C. being in the Court of Requests one morning, soon after Sir Rob. W― had married Miss S―, and overhearing him tell a gentleman, who congratulated him upon that occasion, that he was glad his friends were pleased with what he had done―Ay, and so are your enemies too, said he.

369. The Earl of C―d, notwithstanding his great good nature, upon some provocation was, at a certain time, forced to lay his cane across the shoulders of Sir Harry ―, who took it very patiently. Some time after, Sir Harry himself caned a fellow, who was a great coward: upon which, my lord meeting him the next day, told him he was glad to hear he behaved so gallantly yesterday. Ay, my lord, said he, you and I know whom we beat.

370. The Cardinal de Retz being out of favour at court, and at last recalled to kiss the King’s hand, the king said to him, Your eminence’s hair is grown quite white. To which he replied, It would make a younger man than I am look grey, to have been so long in disgrace with your majesty as I have.

371. Upon the death of the famous Molière, a poet waiting with his epitaph upon the Prince of Condé, the Prince told him, he should have been much better pleased, if Molière had brought him his.

372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be cardinalized, missed his promotion, and returned; but got a violent cold by the way: It is no wonder, said one that was told of it, since he came so far without his hat.

373. A gentleman being very drunk, came to a friend’s house, and told him, he came three miles on purpose to sup with him: to which the other answered, He was greatly obliged to him, since he came so far to see him before he came to himself.

374. A Scotch parson in the rump-time, in his babbling prayer, said, Laird bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant they may all hang together. A country-fellow standing by, said, Yes, yes, with all my heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure it is the prayers of all good people. But friends, said Sawney, I don’t mean as that fellow means, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord. No matter what cord, replied the other, so it is but a strong cord.

375. An honest highlander, walking along Holborn, heard a voice cry, Rogue, Scot; Rogue, Scot; his northern blood fired at the insult, he drew his broadsword, looking round him on every side, to discover the object of his indignation; he at last found that it came from a parrot, perched in a balcony within his reach; but the generous Scot, disdaining to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a sour smile, saying, Gin ye were a mon, as ye’re a green geuse, I would split your ween.

376. The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the kirk in Edinburgh on hell torments, represented them to be intolerable, by the extreme cold they suffered there. And it being at that time very cold weather, one of his congregation, after sermon, took upon him to ask him the reason of his so doing, when all the eminent divines had preached it up to be the reverse. O sir, said he, I had good reason; for if I had told them it was hot, I should have had them all run away to warm themselves.

377. An Irishman having a looking-glass in his hand, shut his eyes, and placed it before his face; another asking him, Why he did so? Upon my shoul, said Teague, it is to see how I look when I am asleep.

378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, said one, There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw. She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in return, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said he, and tell a falsehood as I did.

379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at by all who came in his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead the merriest life of any man in Christendom.

380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous pirate, who was brought prisoner to him, why he was so bold as to rob and plunder in his seas? he answered, That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander himself was used to do it. But because I do it with one single galley, I am called a pirate; but you, sire, who do it with a great army, are called a king. This bold answer so pleased Alexander, that he set him at liberty.

381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne go by, attended by a great many soldiers, laughed; the archbishop pressed him to know the reason: It is because I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop armed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like a general of an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, in my church I perform the part of an archbishop with my clergy; but in the field I march like a duke, accompanied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, answered the peasant; but pray tell me, when my lord duke goes to the devil, what will then become of my lord the archbishop?

382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between Francis I. and Charles V. reproached Villandry, that though he was in complete armour, yet he had not been seen in the fight. I’ll make it out, answered Villandry, boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst not be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threatened to punish him severely; but he appeased him with these words: I, my lord, was with the baggage, where your courage would not suffer you to go.

383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the testimony of Lucilius, that dreaming one night that he had spent some money, he hanged himself in the morning; but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once taken to hang himself, because he grudged the expense of a rope.

384. Dr. M―d coming out of Tom’s coffee-house, an impudent broken apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend him five guineas: Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should apply to me for such a favour; who do not know you! Oh, dear sir, replied the apothecary, it is for that very reason; for those who do won’t lend me a farthing.

385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins rateaten, consulted Cato, in a grave manner, what such an accident might portend. Cato bid him set his mind at rest, for there would come no mischief from it. But, said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, it might have been dangerous.

386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Cheronea, having generously set all the Athenian prisoners free, upon their unconscionably demanding their baggage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we had but a mock fight.

387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of Queen Elizabeth, brought her good arguments out of the scriptures to prove, that they favoured more of the politician than the christian. I see, said she, my lord, you have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings.

388. In a visit Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor Bacon, at a small country seat, which he had built for himself before his preferment; she asked him, how it came that he had made himself so small a house? It is not I, madam, answered he, who have made my house too small for myself, but your majesty, who has made me too big for my house.

389. Some person praising a generous prince for virtues he had not; Well, said he, I’ll do my utmost to hinder your telling an untruth.

390. King William III. being upon a march for some secret expedition, was entreated by a general to tell him what his design was: the king, instead of answering him, asked him, whether, in case he should tell him, he could keep it a secret, and would let it go no farther; the general promised it should not. Well, answered his majesty, I know how to keep a secret as well as you.

391. Mr. T―s C―r, the comedian, coming one day to his father, begged him to let him have a hundred pounds, which would make him perfectly easy in his affairs. Why, then, said the father, it is very strange you can’t live upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages; when I was of your age, I never spent any of my father’s money. I do not know that, answered the son, but I am sure you have spent a great many hundred pounds of my father’s money.

392. An ordinary country fellow being called as an evidence in a court of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgager and mortgagee were frequently used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the difference between the mortgager and mortgagee: Yes, said he, it is the same as between the nodder and noddee. How is that? replied the judge. Why, you sit there, my lord, said the clown, and I nod at you; then I am the nodder, and your lordship is the noddee.

393. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so sad? I have very good reasons for it, answered the other; poor Jack Such-a-one, the greatest crony and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but two days ago. What had he done? said the first. Alas, replied the other, he did no more than you or I would have done on the like occasion; he found a bridle in the road, and took it up. What! answered the other, hang a man for taking a bridle! That’s hard indeed. To tell the truth of the matter, said the other, there was a horse at the end of it.

394. It was a fine saying of my lord Russell, who was beheaded in the reign of King Charles II., when on the scaffold, he delivered his watch to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards bishop of Salisbury: Here, sir, said he, take this, it shows time: I am going into eternity, and shall have no longer any need of it.

395. Queen Elizabeth, having taken notice of the Duke de Villa Medina’s gallant behaviour at a tournament, told him one day, that she would absolutely know who his mistress was: Villa Medina excused himself awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised to send her her picture. The next morning he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the Queen finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently understood the Spaniard’s meaning.

396. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand that was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him. Put on your spectacles, my lord, answered the dyer.

397. A sober young woman, who was treating with a maidservant about work and wages, asked her, among other questions, what religion she was of? Alack-a-day, madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my head about that; for religion, I thought, was only for gentlefolks.

398. Admiral Chatillon being on a holiday gone to hear mass in the Dominican friars’ chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just as he was most intent on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him several pieces of gold, without counting them, or minding what they were. The considerable alms so dazzled the beggar’s eyes, that he was amazed at it. As M. Chatillon was going out of the church door, where the poor man waited for him; Sir, said he, showing him what he had given him, I cannot tell whether you intended to give me so large a sum; if not, I am very ready to return it. The admiral, wondering at the honesty of the man, said, I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to have given you so much; but, since you have the generosity to offer to return it, I will have the generosity to desire you to keep it, and there are five pieces more for you.

399. A certain captain, who had made a greater figure than his fortune could well bear, and the regiment not being paid as was expected, was forced to put off a great part of his equipage; a few days after, as he was walking by the roadside, he saw one of his soldiers sitting cleaning himself under a hedge: What are you doing there, Tom? said the officer. Why, faith, sir, answered the soldier, I am following your example, getting rid of part of my retinue.

400. One who had formerly been rich, but had squandered away his estate, and left himself no furniture in the house but a sorry bed, a little table, a few broken chairs, and some other odd things, seeing a parcel of thieves, who knew not his condition, breaking into his house in the night, he cried out to them, Are not you a pack of fools, to think to find anything here in the dark, when I can find nothing by daylight?

401. A certain great lord having, by his extravagancies, run himself over head and ears in debt, and seeming very little concerned about it, one of his friends told him one day, That he wondered how he could sleep quietly in his bed, whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, said my lord, I sleep very well; but I wonder how my creditors can.

402. A bishop of Cervia in Italy came in great haste to the Pope, and told him, that it was generally reported his holiness had done him the honour to make him governor of Rome. How, said the Pope, don’t you know that fame spreads a great many false reports? and I dare say you will find this one of them.

403. A Gascon, one day reading in company a letter he had just received from his father, who therein acquainted him, that he was threatened with an assessment, which would be very hard upon him, whose whole estate was not above two hundred livres per annum. This sum was written in figures, thus (200). But the Gascon reading two thousand instead of two hundred, a lady that stood behind him, and read the letter without uttering a word, so that he could not perceive her, hearing him say two thousand; Hold, hold, sir, said she, there are but two hundred. Let me be hanged, said he, turning about to her, if the coxcomb, meaning his father, has not forgot a cipher.

404. Another Gascon officer, who had served under Henry IV. King of France, and not having received any pay for a considerable time, came to the king, and confidently said to him, Sire, three words with your majesty: Money or discharge. Four with you, answered his majesty: Neither one nor t’other.

405. A certain Italian having wrote a book upon the art of making gold, dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward: His holiness finding the man constantly following him, at length gave him a large empty purse, saying, Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have no need of anything but a purse to put it in.

406. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress as he thought, begged her to be pleased to tell him what she called it. The lady, a little surprised at the question, called him impertinent fellow. Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge, I am a poor countryman, just going out of town, and my wife always expects I should bring her an account of the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquiring what you call this that you wear. It is a sack, said she, in a great pet. I have heard, replied the countryman (heartily nettled at her behaviour) of a pig in a poke, but never saw a sow in a sack before.

407. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same, said the shepherd, that clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on a little way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shepherd if he’d come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to the shepherd, delivered his master’s message, and concluded as he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why, are you going away then? said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, his living can’t maintain three of us.

408. A lad was running along the gunnel of a ship, with a can of flip in his hand, of which he was to have part himself, when a cannon ball came suddenly, and took off one of his legs; Look ye there now, said he, all the flip’s spilt.

409. Lord Falkland, the author of the play, called The Marriage Night, was chosen very young to sit in parliament; and when he was first elected, some of the members opposed his admission, urging, That he had not sown all his wild oats. Then, replied he, it will be the best way to sow them in the house, where there are so many geese to pick them up.

410. The Duke of ― asked a friend, Who he thought had undertaken the most difficult task, Mr. Whiston, in his attempts to discover the longitude, or Mr. Lisle, to find the philosopher’s stone? The friend answered, that he could not tell which was the more arduous task of the two which those gentlemen had undertaken, but he was sure that he had himself engaged in a much more difficult work than either of them. What is that? said his grace. I have been these six years endeavouring to prevail on you to pay your debts, replied the friend.

411. A schoolmaster asking one of his boys, in a sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for cold, the boy hesitated a little: What, sirrah, said he, can’t you tell? Yes, yes, replied the boy, I have it at my fingers’ ends.

412. When the gate, which joined to Whitehall, was ordered by the House of Commons to be pulled down, to make the coach-way more open and commodious, a member made a motion, that the other which was contiguous to it, might be taken down at the same time; which was opposed by a gentleman, who told the house, that he had a very high veneration for that fabric, that he looked upon it as a noble piece of antiquity; that he had the honour to have lived by it many years; and therefore humbly begged the house would continue the honour to him, for it would really make him unhappy to be deprived of it now. Counsellor Hungerford seconded the gentleman, and said, ’Twould be a thousand pities, but he should be indulged to live still by his gate, for he was sure he could never live by his style.

413. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bade Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age; whereupon Killigrew went and examined the tail; What are you doing? said the king, that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

414. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a play of his own writing, was explaining the plot and design of it to a courtier. The scene of it, said he, is in Cappadocia; and, to judge rightly of the play, a man must transport himself into the country, and get acquainted with the genius of the people. You say right, answered the courtier, and I think it would be best to have it acted there.

415. A young man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain with Isocrates to be taught by him, Isocrates asked double the price that his other scholars gave him; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue.

416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the steward ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it; the husband produced a bag, and told him, in that. That, answered the steward, is not big enough to hold it. So I told my wife, replied the good man; and I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward, but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this bacon; and so hung the flitch up again.

417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn, said the first, This is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret. You fool, said Garret, don’t you know there must be Chambers first?

418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking together, happened to see an owl; said the last, That bird is very much like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it’s Fuller in the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.

419. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster’s often reading a chapter in Corinthians, wherein is this sentence, ‘We shall all be changed in the twinkling of an eye,’ privately erased the letter c in the word changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all be hanged in the twinkling of an eye.

420. A certain great man, who had been a furious party man, and most surprisingly changed sides, by which he obtained a coronet, was soon after at cards at a place where Lady T―nd was, and complaining in the midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, I thought your lordship had no side, said she.

421. A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had a wife not of the most agreeable humour in the world; however, as an indulgent husband, he had bought her a fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbourhood, blessed likewise with a termagant spouse, asked the widower, if he would sell his wife’s pad, for he had a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he would for it. No, said the other, I don’t care to sell it, for I am not sure that I shan’t marry again.

422. A scholar of Dr. Busby’s coming into a parlour where the doctor had laid a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up and said aloud, I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it. The doctor, being but in the next room, overheard all that was said, and coming into the school, he ordered the boy who had eaten his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, horsed on another boy’s back; but before he proceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent had done: I publish the banns between my rod and this boy’s breech, if any one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it. I forbid the banns, cried the boy. Why so? said the doctor. Because the parties are not agreed, replied the boy. Which answer so pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down.

423. The late Sir Robert Henley, who was commonly pretty much in debt, walking one day with two or three other gentlemen in the Park, was accosted by a tradesman, who took him aside for a minute or two, and when the baronet rejoined his company, he seemed to be in a great passion, which his friends taking notice of, asked him what was the matter? Why the rascal, said he, has been dunning me for money I have owed him these seven years, with as much impudence as if it was a debt of yesterday.

424. The late Mr. D―t, the player, a man of great humanity, as will appear by the story, having heard that his landlady’s maid had cut her throat with one of his razors, of which an account was brought to him behind scenes at the time of the play; D―t, with great concern and emotion, cried out, Zoons, I hope it was not with my best razor!

425. Joe Haines, the player, being asked what could transport Mr. Collier into so blind a zeal for the general suppression of the stage, when only some particular authors had abused it; whereas the stage, he could not but know, was generally allowed, when rightly conducted, to be a delightful method of mending the morals? For that reason, replied Haines; Collier is, by profession, a moral-mender himself, and two of a trade, you know, can never agree.

426. Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for want of better diversion, one proposed play; but, said another of the company, I have fourteen good reasons against gaming. What are they? said another. In the first place, answered he, I have no money. Oh! said the other, if you had four hundred reasons, you need not name another.

427. A parson, in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. viii. 14, ‘And Peter’s wife’s mother lay sick of a fever,’ preached for three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across the church-yard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other, who it was for? Nay, I can’t tell you; perhaps, replied he, it is for Peter’s wife’s mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks.

428. The Hon. Mr. L― one morning, at the late Sir Robert Walpole’s levee, as I sat by them, asked John Lawton for a pinch of snuff, who told him he had none in his box, for he seldom took any, but now and then to keep him awake at church. That, said the other, is the most improper thing you can do there; for it quite destroys the natural operation of the sermon.

429. I remember in the reign of the late Queen Anne, when disputes ran high between Whig and Tory, some persons suffered party to mix in every their minutest action. A Tory would not cock his hat in the same manner that a Whig did, nor a Whig lady patch her face on the same side that the Tory ladies patched theirs. A pleasant instance of this strict adherence to party in trivial affairs, was Dick W―l, who, being sent to parliament on the Tory interest, was resolved to do nothing but what was on that side. The house, a few days after he took his seat in it, happening to sit late, a motion was made for candles to be brought in, which being put to the vote, Dick pulled a high-flying member, who sat near him, by the sleeve, and asked him if candles were for the church? And being answered in the affirmative, very readily gave his voice for them, which otherwise he would not have done.

430. A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solomon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of mites, one night at the tavern: Now, said he, have I done as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thousands. Yes, answered one of the company, and with the same weapon too, the jawbone of an ass.

431. Poor Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. I don’t use to give the wall, said he, to every jackanapes. But I do, said Joe; and so made way for him.

432. When the late Duke of ― went over as Lord Lieutenant to Ireland, he took an excellent man cook with him, but they had not been there above a month, when, finding his grace kept a very scurvy house, he gave him warning. What’s the reason, said the duke, that you have a mind to leave me? Why, if I continue with your excellency much longer, answered the cook, I shall quite forget my trade.

433. A certain officer in the guards telling one night, in company with Joe Miller, of several wonderful things he had seen abroad, among the rest he told the company he had seen a pike caught that was six feet long. That’s a trifle, said Joe, I have seen a half-pike, in England, longer by a foot, and yet not worth twopence.

434. Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose comedians, going one day through Rag Fair, a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheapened a leg of mutton, he saw hanging up there, at a butcher’s stall. The butcher told him it was a groat a pound. Are you not an unconscionable fellow, said Spiller, to ask such a price, when one may have a new one for the same price in Clare Market?

435. A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the world.

436. A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen; being asked the reason for so doing: From such, said he, I had it, and to such I give it again.

437. A thief being brought to Tyburn to be executed, the ordinary of Newgate, in taking his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry for having committed the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen enough to bribe the jury.

438. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension of them; and going one day through Tavistock Street, his coat sleeve happened to hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails; whereupon he immediately turned about in a great surprise, and cried out, At whose suit, sir? at whose suit?

439. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat of the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place.

440. The late famous Arthur Moor, who was much in favor with the Tory ministry, in the latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, had a lady who was reckoned a woman of great wit and humour, but of political principles quite opposite to those of her husband. After the death of the Queen, when it was talked of as if the late ministers would have been called to account, my Lord B―ke meeting Mrs. Moor one day, in a visit, Well, madam, said he, you hear how terribly we are threatened; you’ll come, I hope, and see me, when I go to Tower Hill? Upon my word, my lord, said she, I should be extremely glad to do it: but I believe I shall be engaged another way, for I am told my Snub (the name by which she always called her husband) will be obliged to go the same day to Tyburn.

441. The same lady, coming home one evening, told her husband she wished him joy, for she heard he was to be made a lord. (This was before the death of Queen Anne.) And pray, said he, what did they say was to be my title? My Lord Tariff, replied she, which was a sneer upon him, for having been engaged in settling a tariff of trade which he was thought well skilled in. And why don’t you, when you hear any one abuse your husband, spit in their face? said he. No, I thank you, answered the lady, I don’t intend to spit myself into a consumption.

442. The late Sir John Tash was a famous wine-merchant, and sold great quantities of that liquor, but was supposed to make it chiefly without much of the juice of the grape; therefore Alderman Parsons meeting him one day, saluted him by the name of brother brewer. I deal in wine, Mr. Alderman, said Sir John, and am no brewer. But I know you are, replied the other, and can brew more by an inch of candle, than I can with a caldron of coals.

443. A late archbishop having promised one of his chaplains, who was a favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and think worthy his acceptance; soon after hearing of the death of an old rector, whose parsonage was worth about 300_l._ a year, sent his chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the doctor, when he came back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him, but said, he had met with such an account of the country, and the neighbourhood, as was not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, if his grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. Another vacancy not long after happening, the archbishop sent him also to view that; but he returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his grace. A third living, much better than either of the others becoming vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was sent to take a view of that; and when he came back, Well, now, said my lord, how do you like this last living? what objection can you have to this? I like the country very well, my Lord, answered he, and the house, the income, and the neighbourhood, but― But! replied the archbishop, what but can there be then? But, my lord, said he, I found the old incumbent smoking his pipe at the gate of his house.

444. Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer’s wife, and the other a cheesemonger’s (who perhaps stood more upon the punctilio of precedence than some of their betters would have done at the court end of the town) when they had risen up and taken their leaves, the cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping before her, No, madam, said she, nothing comes after cheese.

445. Old Johnson, the player, who was not only a very good actor, but a good judge of painting, and remarkable for making many dry jokes, was shown a picture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much commended, and was asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, said he, the painter is a very good painter, and observes the Lord’s commandments. What do you mean by that, Mr. Johnson? said one who stood by. Why, I think, answered he, that he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything that is in Heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

446. A certain noble lord in the county of Hants, who had not much applied himself to letters, and was remarkable for his ill-spelling, dining at a neighbouring gentleman’s house, took notice several times, and commended a snuff-box he made use of; when my lord was gone away, the gentleman’s wife said to her husband, My dear, you did not observe how often my lord commended your snuff-box; I dare say he would have been highly pleased if you had made him an offer of it; if I was you I would send it after him. The gentleman took his lady’s advice, and the next morning sent a servant away with a letter, and the snuff-box, as a present to the lord.―The lady judged right, for my lord was mightily delighted with it, and returned a most complaisant letter of thanks for the present, and told the gentleman, in his ill-spelling, that he was greatly obliged to him, and in a few days would send him an elephant, (equivalent he would have written). The gentleman, not at all liking my lord’s proposal, sent his servant with a letter again next day, telling his lordship, that he was very glad the box was so acceptable to him, and thanking him for the honour he designed him, but begged he would not think of sending what he mentioned, for it would not only be attended with an expense, which he could not very well afford, being such a devouring animal, but would bring such numbers of people to see it, that it would make his house a perfect house of call. My lord, a little while after, meeting the gentleman, told him, he was surprised at his letter, and could not imagine what he meant by it. The elephant, said he, that your lordship spoke of sending me. Elephant! said the learned lord, how could a man of your understanding make such a mistake? I said I would send you an equivalent. I beg your lordship’s pardon, returned the gentleman, and am ashamed of being such a dunce that I could not read your lordship’s letter.

447. Young Griffith Lloyd, of the county of Cardigan, being sent to Jesus College, Oxford, where he was looked upon as an errant dunce, wore a calf-skin waistcoat, tanned with the hair on, and trimmed with a broad gold lace, and gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an eminent punster, said, that Griffith was like a dull book, bound in calf-skin, and gilt, but very ill-lettered.

448. Old G―, the rich miser of Gloucestershire, going home one day, between Wickivarr and Badminton, the way being greasy, after a shower of rain, his foot slipped, and he fell off a high bank into a wet ditch, where he was almost smothered; a countryman, who knew his character, coming by, he begged him, for God’s sake, to help him. Ay, said the countryman, give me your hand. _Give_ being a word that old G― had a great aversion to, cried out, I thank you, honest friend, I will lend you my hand with all my heart. I have often heard, said the other, that you would never give anything in your life, so you may lie there; and on he walked.

449. An old woman at the head of a table, said a satirical young one, seems to revive the old Grecian custom of serving up a death’s head with their banquets.

450. The famous Tony Lee, a player in King Charles the Second’s reign, being killed in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not forbear coughing as he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioned a good deal of laughter and noise in the house; he lifted up his head, and speaking to the audience, said, This makes good what my poor mother used to tell me; for she would often say that I should cough in my grade, because I used to drink in my porridge. This set the house in such good humour, that it produced a thundering peal of applause, and made every one very readily pardon the solecism he had before committed.

451. Tom S―, the organist of St. M―, being reckoned to have a fine finger, drew many people to hear him, whom, he would oftentimes entertain with a voluntary after evening service, and his auditory seeming one day greatly delighted with his performance, after the church was cleared, Adad, sir, said his organ-blower, who was an idiot, I think we did rarely to-day. We, sirrah! said Tom. Ay, we, to be sure, answered the other; what would you have done without me? The next Sunday, Tom sitting down to play, could not make his organ speak, whereupon, calling to the bellows-blower, asked him what he meant? why he did not blow? Shall it be we, then? said the other.

452. A certain French gentleman, having been but a very little while in England, was invited to a friend’s house, where a large bowl of punch was made, a liquor he had never seen before, and which did not at all agree with him; but having forgot the name of it, he asked a person the next day, What dey call a dat liqur in England, which is all de contradiction; where is de brandy to make it strong, and de vater to make it small, de sugar to make it sweet, and de lemons to make it sower. Punch, answered the other, I suppose you mean. Ay, ponche, begar, cried monsieur, it almost ponche my brain out last night.

453. The famous Captain Fitzpatrick, who married ’Squire Western’s niece, and was reckoned an excellent hand at making bulls, was walking one day with two or three ladies, a little way out of West Chester, with his hat under his arm; the wind blowing very hard, one of the ladies said, I wonder, captain, you will be so ceremonious to walk bare-headed in such boisterous weather; pray, sir, put on your hat. Arrah, by my shoul, dear madam, answered the captain, I have been after trying two or three times already, and the wind is so high, that I can’t keep my hat upon my head any longer than ’tis under my arm.

454. The same gentleman being with the aforesaid ladies, in a nobleman’s garden, where there was a large iron roller, told them, he thought it was the biggest iron rolling-stone he had ever seen in his life.

455. A philosopher being blamed by a stander-by, for defending an argument weakly against the Emperor Adrian, replied, What! would you have me contend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers?

456. A painter turned physician; upon which change, a friend applauded him, saying, You have done well, for before, your faults could be discovered by the naked eye, but now they are hid.

457. Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, that it was reported the king was poor, and that they were seeking ways and means to make him rich; but he added, For my part, I think the best way to make the king rich, would be to give him a good post, or office, for all his officers are rich.

458. Zelim, the first of the Ottoman Emperors that shaved his beard, his predecessors having always worn it long, being asked by one of his bashaws, why he altered the custom of his predecessors? answered, Because you bashaws shall not lead me by the beard, as you did them.

459. It being told Antigonus, in order to intimidate him, as he marched to the field of battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys of arrows, as would intercept the light of the sun. I am glad of it, replied he, for it being very hot, we shall then fight in the shade.

460. A sailor having received ten guineas for turning Roman Catholic, said to the priest who paid him the money, Sir, you ought to give me ten guineas more, because it is so hard to believe transubstantiation.

461. One seeing an affected coxcomb buying books, told him, His bookseller was properly his upholsterer, for he furnished his room rather than his head.

462. An arch wag once said, That tailors were like woodcocks, for they got their sustenance by their long bills.

463. A complaint being made to the court of Spain of a certain Viceroy of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who was his friend, wrote him word, that he was accused at court of having extorted great sums of money from the people under his government; which I hope, said the Secretary, is true, or else you are undone.

464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This had the desired effect―she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what was not the fact? Not the fact! replied the old gentleman; if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on.

465. A gentleman in the country having the misfortune to have his wife hang herself on an apple tree, a neighbour of his came to him and begged he would give him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one in his own orchard; for who knows, said he, but it may bear the same fruit!

466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Mazarine, when he was reproached with neglecting the good of the kingdom that he might engross the riches of it, Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will think of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own.

467. The late Earl of S― kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was as expert in making bulls as the most learned of his countrymen. My lord having sent him one day with a present to a certain judge, the judge in return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter; the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague’s back, as he was carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the devil burn ye, said he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, and my lord had read the letter, Well, Teague, said my lord, I find there are half-a-dozen partridges in the letter. Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the basket.