Chapter III: His Two Last Years At Eton

"In the course of September, 1812, I began a new stage of my life by
entering at the Rev. ***'s, where I was, alas! too effectually to be
untaught what there might be unsound in my religion, by being
quickly stripped of it completely. The house contained, I think, but
about ten or twelve boys at the time I went to it, a much smaller
number than the generality of boarding houses about the school; and,
dreadful as was its moral condition, it was respectable in
comparison to others. There is no doubt that it was recommended to
my parents because its character stood high among the rest. The boys
were divided into three or four messes, as they were called. Each of
us had a room to himself and a separate little establishment, as the
boys had allowances to provide breakfast and tea for themselves, and
we did not meet in common rooms for private study, as in some
schools. In order to make their means go farther, two or three would
associate together and make a joint concern; and very comfortable
some would make themselves. But comfort was not what I had now to
enjoy.

"I have adverted already to the system of fagging at our public
schools. The law is established immemorially at Eton that the upper
boys, those of the fifth and sixth class, have an authority to
command those below them. This law, though understood and allowed by
the masters, is not enforced by them. They will interfere to check
and punish any great abuse of the power of the upper boys; but the
only power by which the commands of these masters are to be enforced
is their own hands; so that a boy, though by rank in the school a
fag, may escape the burdens to be imposed if he have but age and
strength and spirit to {13} maintain his independence. Each upper
boy may impose his commands on any number of inferiors he may please
at any time and in any place, so that an unhappy lower boy is never
safe. Nothing exempts him from the necessity of immediately quitting
his own pursuits and waiting on the pleasure of an unexpected
master, but being under orders to attend his tutor, or a certain
number of privileged excuses in matters about which those potentates
condescend to consider the feelings of the subalterns, and where
public opinion would condemn them if they did not--such as being
actually fagging for some one else, being engaged to play a match at
cricket which his absence would spoil. It was this sort of
out-of-door casual service which alone I had to dread as long as I
was in Mr. Godley's house. When I went to Mr. ***, I had to serve my
apprenticeship in domestic fagging, which consisted in performing to
one or more of the fifth or sixth form boys in the house almost all
the duties of a footman or a waiter at an inn. The burden of this
kind of servitude of course depended, in the first place, on the
temper of one's master, and then on the comparative number of upper
and lower boys in a house. During the time I had to fag at Mr.
***'s, but especially in the latter part of it, the number of fags
was dismally small, and sometimes heavy was my yoke.

"But it is not this which gives to my recollection of that period of
my life its peculiar sadness. I might have made a merry life in the
midst of it, like that of many another school-boy, and I was merry
sometimes, but I had known better things. I had once learnt to hate
wickedness, and I never could find myself at ease in the midst of
it, though I had not strength to resist it openly. The first evening
that I arrived at this new tutor's house, I was cordially received
to mess with the set of three or four lower boys who were there.
These were quiet, good-natured boys; but, to be one with them, it
was soon evident that the sweet practices of devotion must be given
up, and other rules followed from those I knew to be right. I was
taken by them on expeditions of boyish depredation and pilfering. I
had never been tempted or invited before to anything like this, and
{14} it was misery to me, on account of my natural want of courage
as well as my tender conscience, to join such enterprises. Yet I
dared not boldly declare my resolution to commit no sin, and I made
a trial now of that which has been so often tried, and what has
often led to fatal confusion--to satisfy the world without
altogether breaking with God. One day we went to pick up walnuts in
a park near Eton; another day to steal beans or turnips, or the
like, from fields or gardens; then, more bold, to take ducks and
chickens from farmyards. It is a common idea that this kind of
school-boys' theft is not indeed a sin. At Eton it certainly was not
so considered. A boy who stole money from another boy was disgraced,
and branded as a wretch almost beyond forgiveness, whereas for
stealing his school-books, he would not be blamed; and for robbing
orchards or farmyards he would be honoured and extolled, and so much
the more if, in doing it, one or two or three together had violently
beaten the farmer's boy, or even himself. But where is the reason
for this distinction? The Word of God and a simple conscience
certainly teach no such difference. At any rate, I know, to my
sorrow, that the beginning of my fall from all that was good, was by
being led to countenance and bear a part, though sorely against my
better will, in such work as this.

"This was not the worst misery. My ignorance in the mysteries of
iniquity was soon apparent. However much I strove to keep my
countenance firm, I could not hear immodesties without blushing. I
was, on this account, a choice object of the fun of some of the
boys, who took delight in forcing me to hear instructions in
iniquity. One evening after another, I well remember, the quarters
would be invaded where I and my companions were established; all our
little employments would be interrupted, our rooms filled with dirt,
our beds, perhaps, tossed about, and a noisy row kept up for hours,
of which sometimes one, and sometimes another of our set was the
principal butt. I was set up as a choice object, of course, on
account of my simplicity and inexperience in their ways, so that
some of the partners of these plagues with me would blame me for
being so silly {15} as to pretend ignorance of what their foul
expressions meant; for they could not believe it possible that I
should really be so simple as not to understand them. I maintained
for some time a weak conflict in my soul against all this flood of
evil. For a little time I found one short space of comfort through
the day, when at length, after an evening thus spent, I got to bed,
and in secret wept and prayed myself to sleep; but the trial was too
strong and too often repeated. I had no kind friend to speak to.

"Mr. Godley still lived at the Wharf, and though he seemed to think
it right not to press himself upon me, he asked me to come and dine
when I pleased. Two or three times I went to dine with him, and
these were my last really happy days, when for an hour or two I
could give my mind liberty to feel at ease, and recollect my former
feelings in this kindly company. But I could not, I dared not, tell
him all I was now exposed to, and so I was left to stand my ground
alone. Had any one then told me that by myself I must not hope to
resist temptation, and rightly directed me how to call on God for
help, I have since thought I might have stood it; but I had not yet
known the force of temptation, nor learnt by experience the power of
God to support the weak. My weakness I now felt by clear experience,
and after a short conflict,--for this battle was soon gained by the
great enemy who was so strong in the field against me,--I remember
well the conclusion striking my mind, that the work of resistance
was useless, and that I must give up. Where were you, O my God,
might I now exclaim, to leave me thus alone and unprotected on such
a boisterous sea? Ah! my Lord, I have never found fault with thy
divine appointments in thus permitting me to fall. Only I say, as
before, give me grace now fully to recover what I lost; and I will
ever bless thee for allowing me to have known so much evil, if it be
but that I may warn others,

"It might be, perhaps, ten days after my arrival at Mr. ***'s, when
I gave up all attempt to pray; and I think I did not say one word of
prayer for the two years and more that I afterwards continued there.
I remember {16} once being by, when one of the most rude and hard of
my tormentors was dressing himself, and, to my surprise, turned to
me, and, with his usual civility, said some such word as, 'Now hold
your jaw;' and then, down on his knees near the bed, and his face
between his hands, said his prayers. I then saw for a moment to what
I had fallen, when even this fellow had more religion than unhappy I
had retained; but I had no grain of strength now left to rise. One
would think that in the holidays my change would have been
discovered; for I imagine that I never knelt down even at home
except in the church. But, alas! little did my family suspect what a
place was Eton; or, at least, if a suspicion comes across parents'
minds of what their children are exposed to in public schools, they
generally persuade themselves that this must be endured for a
necessary good, which is, to make them learn to know the world.

"When I had ceased attempting to maintain my pious feelings, the
best consolation I had was in the company of a few boys of a spirit
congenial to what mine was now become. All the time that I remained
at Eton I never learnt to take pleasure in the manly, active games
for which it is so famous. It is not that I was without some natural
talent for such things. I have since had my time of most ardent
attachment to cricket, to tennis, shooting, hunting, and all active
exercises: but my spirit was bent down at Eton; and among the boys
who led the way in all manly pursuits, I was always shy and
miserable, which was partly a cause and partly an effect of my being
looked down upon by them. My pleasure there was in being with a few
boys, like myself, without spirit for these things, retired apart
from the sight of others, amusing ourselves with making arbours,
catching little fishes in the streams; and many were the hours I
wasted in such childish things when I was grown far too old for
them.

"Oh! the happiness of a Catholic child, whose inmost soul is known
to one whom God has charged with his salvation. Supposing I had been
a Catholic child in such a situation--if such a supposition be
possible--the pious feelings with which God inspired me, would have
been under {17} the guidance of a tender spiritual Father, who would
have supplied exactly what I needed when about to fall under that
sense of unassisted weakness which I have described. He would have
taught me how to be innocent and firm in the midst of all my trials,
which would then have tended to exalt, instead of suppressing, my
character. I would have kept my character not only clear in the
sight of God, but honourable among my fellows, who soon would have
given up their persecution when they found me steadfast; and I might
have brought with me in the path of peace and justice many whom I
followed in the dark ways of sin. But it is in vain to calculate on
what I might have been had I been then a Catholic. God be praised,
my losses I may yet recover, and perhaps even reap advantages from
them."

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