Chapter XII: Part 12

Harry came home about five o'clock and his face and hands were very clean and his hair stood on end. His mother took one look and exclaimed: "Harry, I told you not to go swimmin' with Bob Ross."

"How do you know that I have been swimmin'?" asked Harry.

"Never mind who told me, but I know that you have been swimmin'," replied his mother.

After a while Harry said: "I'll just bet you anything that Mrs. Ross was over here this afternoon, and you and Mrs. Ross had that ouija board out."--_Judge_.

Breathlessly the spiritualistically inclined lady bent over the ouija spelling out the communications from her departed spouse.

"John, are you happy there?" she asked.

"Yes, d-e-a-r."

"Are you happier than you were on the earth."

"Yes, d-e-a-r."

"Ah," she breathed. "Heaven must be a wonderful place."

"I g-u-e-s-s s-o, b-u-t I-m n-o-t t-h-e-r-e y-e-t."

"Well," said Farmer Corntossel, "I reckon I've done a pretty good afternoon's work."

"But all you did," commented Jud Tunkins, contemptuously, "was to sit on the fence and whittle."

"Yes; but what I whittled up was the family ouija board."

PARENTS

_When Ma Is Sick_

When Ma is sick she pegs away;
She's quiet, though; not much t' say.
She goes right on a-doin' things,
An' sometimes laughs and even sings.
She says she don't feel extra well.
But then it's just a kind o' spell.
She'll be all right tomorrow sure,
A good old sleep will be the cure.
An' Pa he sniffs an' makes no kick,
For women folks is always sick,
An' Ma, she smiles, lets on she's glad--
When Ma is sick it ain't so bad.

_When Pa Is Sick_
When Pa is sick, he's scared to death,
An' Ma an' us just holds our breath.
He crawls in bed, an' puffs and grunts,
And does all kinds of crazy stunts.
He wants "Doc" Brown, an' mighty quick,
For when Pa's ill he's mighty sick.
He gasps and groans, an' sort o' sighs,
He talks so queer, an' rolls his eyes.
Ma jumps an' runs, an' all of us,
An' all the house is in a fuss.
An' peace and joy is mighty skeerce--
When Pa is sick, it's something fierce.

"Come upstairs, and let me wash your hands," said mother, when she arrived with her little daughter for tea at granny's.

"I don't want to go up," wailed Winnie, aged four.

"Let her wash them down in the kitchen," called grand-mamma. "She can do it just as well."

"No," her mother said firmly. "I want her to come up with me!"

Winnie went upstairs as slowly as possible.

"Oh," said she, turning a wrathful tearful face to her mother, "Why don't you obey your mother?"

_Three Children_
Three children sliding on the ice
Upon a summer's day.
As it fell out they all fell in,
The rest they ran away.
Now, had these children been at home,
Or sliding on dry ground,
Ten thousand pounds to one penny
They had not all been drowned.
You parents all that children have,
And you too that have none,
If you would have them safe abroad
Pray keep them safe at home.

WILLIE--"I guess my dad must have been a pretty bad boy."

TOMMIE--"What makes you think that?"

WILLIE--"Because he knows exactly what questions to ask me when he wants to know what I have been doing."--_Puck_.

Daddy came home from the office early one evening and mother had not returned from some friends whom she had been visiting for tea.

Little four-year-old Gwennie ran up to her father's side. "Daddy," she cried, "I've been wanting to see you for a long time when mother's not near."

"Why, my little girl?" asked father.

"Well, dad," answered Gwennie, "please don't tell mother, because she's an awful dear, but I don't think she knows much about bringing up children."

"What makes you think that?" asked her father.

"Well," replied Gwennie, "she makes me go to bed when I am wide awake and she makes me get up when I am awfully sleepy."

BOBBY--"Daddy, look! There's an aeroplane."

ABSORBED DADDY--"Yes, dear--don't touch it."

PARROTS

"Mercy! How that bird swears!" exclaimed the would-be purchaser. "What would my husband say?"

"I dunno, ma'am," replied the dealer. "But whatever it was this 'ere parrot could repeat it right over after him."

OLD LADY--"I want you to change that parrot I bought from you--he doesn't speak at all, and you said he'd repeat every word he heard."

SHOPMAN--"Yes, madam, and so he would--but you took him in such a hurry that I hadn't time to tell you he was deaf."

A.E. Clark, editor of The City Bulletin, of Columbus, Ohio, was with a friend who was campaigning for the Red Cross. The friend knocked at a door and a voice said, "Come in."

His friend tried the door, then shouted, "It's locked!"

"Come in," repeated the voice, and the campaigner replied:

"It's locked."

"Come in."

"It's locked."

At that point a woman put her head out of a window next door and said:

"There's no one at home. You're talking to the parrot."

PARTNERSHIP

The partners of a well-known Stock Exchange house were having a dinner conference at an uptown hotel. One of them appeared worried during the progress of the meal, and finally he was queried as to the cause of his fit of abstraction.

"I just happened to remember that I neglected to lock the safe before I left the office," he replied.

"Why worry?" said another member of the firm. "We are all here."

"I'll clean th' snow off yer walk for a quarter."

"Why, I just paid a quarter to have it cleaned."

"Tain't half done."

"Come, come, that isn't a nice way to abuse a fellow worker."

"Oh, dat's all right--he's me pardner."

A bright German gentleman, retired from business, relates the following little anecdote:

"Going down to New York the other night on the boat," said he, "I got chatting with a German acquaintance, and asked him what he was doing.

"'Veil', he replied, 'shoost now I am doing nodings, but I have made arrangements to go into pizness.'

"'Glad to hear it. What are you going into?'

"'Veil, I guess into partnership mit a man.'

"'Do you put in much capital?'

"'No; I doesn't put in no gabital.'

"'Don't want to risk it, eh?'

"'No; but I puts in de experience.'

"'And he puts in the capital?'

"'Yes, dot is it. We goes into pizness for dree year; he puts in de gabital, I puts in de experience. At the end of de dree year I will have de gabital, and he will have de experience!'"

PEACE

"Why were all the nations fighting, papa?"

"To make the world safe for democracy, my son."

"Is the world safe for democracy now, papa?"

"It will be, when we have peace."

"When will we have peace, papa?"

"When the world is safe for democracy."

"Will the nations always fight to have peace, papa?"

"Yes, always, my son."

A certain people were much given to deploring war. War, they kept insisting, was poor business.

Their King heard them, but he didn't take them seriously. The very first chance he got he picked a quarrel with a neighboring Power, and, that done, he lifted up his voice in the old way.

"The fatherland is in danger!" he cried. "The honor of the nation is assailed! My children, be patriots!"

But they couldn't see him. "Not on your life!" they made answer. "You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, but you can not fool all the people all the time!"

Whereupon the King made haste to patch up his quarrel and was very careful forever after not to pick another.

This fable teaches that we have still some distance to go before universal peace can be anything but a joke.

PEDESTRIANS

"You know," said the lady whose motor-car had run down a man, "you must have been walking very carelessly. I am a very careful driver. I have been driving a car for seven years."

"Lady, you've got nothing on me. I've been walking for fifty-four years."

Chug-Chug! Br-r! Br-r-r! Honk! Honk! Gilligillug-gilligillug!

The pedestrian paused at the intersection of two busy cross streets.

He looked about. A motor-car was rushing at him from one direction, a motorcycle from another, a steam truck was coming from behind, and a taxicab was speedily approaching.

Zip-zip! Zing-glug!

He looked up, and saw directly above him an air-ship in rapid descent.

There was but one chance. He was standing upon a manhole cover. Quickly seizing it, he lifted the lid and jumped into the hole just in time to be run over by an underground train.

PENMANSHIP

Mr. Brown had just registered and was about to turn away when the clerk asked:

"Beg pardon, but what is your name?"

"Name!" echoed the indignant guest. "Don't you see my signature there on the register?"

"I do," returned the clerk calmly. "That is what aroused my curiosity."

PEP

Vigor, vitality, vim and punch--
That's Pep!
The courage to act on a sudden hunch--
That's Pep!
The nerve to tackle the hardest thing
With feet that climb and hands that cling,
And a heart that never forgets to sing--
That's Pep.

Sand and grit in a concrete base--
That's Pep!
Friendly smile on an honest face--
That's Pep!
The spirit that helps when another's down,
That knows how to scatter the blackest frown,
That loves its neighbor, and loves its town--
That's Pep.

To say "I will," for you know you can--
That's Pep!
To look for the best in every man--
That's Pep!
To meet each thundering knock-out blow,
And come back strong, because you know
You'll get the best of the whole damned show--
That's Pep.

--_Henry W. Stern_.

PERCENTAGE

"Speaking of percentages." said the old-time politician, "reminds me of Tom Bledsoe, who had the butcher shop in our town. He used to buy rabbits from the boys. One day he hung up a sign announcing rabbit sausage for sale. People wondered what it was, took a hack at it, and liked it. Pretty soon he was selling rabbit sausage by the wagon-load.

"But the pure-food inspectors came prying around, and asked Tom how he could make so much sausage when he got only a few dozen rabbits a day. Finally he admitted that there was some horse-meat in the sausage. Then they wanted to know how much horse-meat. After a long grilling he said it was fifty per cent. When pressed further by his questioners, he explained that fifty per cent meant one rabbit to one horse."

PERSISTENCE

Persistence can accomplish two things--it can make one either a success or a bore.

_Fishin'_

"Supposin" fish don't bite at first,
What are you goin' to do?
Throw down your pole, chuck out your bait
And say your fishin's through?

"You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish
An' fish, an' fish, an' wait
Until you've ketched a bucketful
Or used up all your bait.

"Suppose success don't come at first,
What are you goin' to do?
Throw up the sponge and kick yourself
And growl, and fret, and stew?

"You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish
An' bait, an' bait ag'in,
Until success will bite your hook.
For grit is sure to win."

PERSUASION

"Mother," said a twelve-year-old of Baltimore, "did you tell father I wanted a new bicycle?"

"Yes, dear," said the mother, "I told him; but he said he couldn't afford to buy you one."

"Of course he'd say that; but what did you do?"

"I told him how badly you wanted it, and argued in favor of it, but he refused."

"Argued! Oh, mother, if it had been something you wanted yourself you'd have cried a little and then you'd have got it."

Persuasion tips his tongue whene'er he talks.--_Colley Gibber_.

Few are open to conviction, but the majority of men are open to persuasion.--_Goethe_.

PESSIMISM

TED--"What's the difference between a pessimist and a cynic?"

NED--"The pessimist is without hope, while the cynic is sure you'll always be able to get a drink if you have the price."--_Life_.

_The Pessimist_

Nothing to do but work,
Nothing to eat but food,
Nothing to wear but clothes,
To keep one from going nude.

Nothing to breathe but air,
Quick as a flash 'tis gone;
Nowhere to fall but off,
Nowhere to stand but on.

Nothing to comb but hair,
Nowhere to sleep but in bed,
Nothing to weep but tears,
Nothing to bury but dead.

Nothing to sing but songs,
Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out,
Nowhere to come but back.

Nothing to see but sights,
Nothing to quench but thirst,
Nothing to have but what we've got
Thus through life we are cursed.

Nothing to strike but a gait;
Everything moves that goes.
Nothing at all but common sense
Can ever withstand these woes.

--_Ben King_.

It was a mile over Mount Clemens.

The pilot of the plane from Selfridge Field was giving a visiting officer his first air voyage.

He cut off the motor.

"See those people?" shouted the pilot. "Fifty per cent of them think we are going to fall."

"They've got nothing on us," was the reply that streamed for a half a mile back of the plane; "fifty per cent of us do."

THE PESSIMIST--"The best luck any man can have is never to have been born; but that seldom happens to any one."

Said the weather prophet, "I think it is safest always to predict bad weather."

"Why's that?"

"Well, people are ready to forgive you if you turn out to be wrong."

Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.

"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.

"Dunno," replied one of the southshires. "We've planted some daffydils in front of our trench."

"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted acorns."

_See also_ Irish bulls; Optimism.

PHILADELPHIA

The city of Philadelphia offers a liberal reward for the most important contribution toward civic improvement. A fine opportunity for manufacturers of alarm clocks.

PHILANTHROPISTS

WEALTHY BENEFACTRESS (stopping in at the hospital)--"Well, we'll bring the car tomorrow, and take some of your patients for a drive. And, by the bye, nurse, you might pick out some with bandages that show--the last party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody in the streets could see."--_Punch_.

PHILOSOPHY

Rube Wilkins says--"You can't get ahead while you're kickin' any more than a mule can."

All philosophy lies in two words, "sustain" and "abstain." --_Epictetus_.

The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.--_Henry Ward Beecher_.

Philosophy, while it soothes the reason, damps the ambition. --_Bulwer-Lytton_.

PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS

_See_ Doctors.

PITTSBURG

PITTSBURG MAN (telephoning to Long Island from New York)--"Ten cents? Why, in Pittsburg we can telephone to Hades for a nickel."

CENTRAL--"But this is a long-distance call."

PLEASURE

Pleasures are like liqueurs: they must be drunk but in small glasses.--_Romainville_.

POETRY

EDITOR--"This isn't poetry, my dear man; it's merely an escape of gas."

WOULD-BE CONTRIBUTOR--"Ah, I see! Something wrong with the meter."

Your poem must _eternal_ be,
Dear sir, it can not fail,
For 'tis incomprehensible,
And wants both _head_ and _tail_.

--_S.T. Coleridge_.

"What is poetry of motion?"

"The kind that's always going from one editor to another."

They were dancing the one-step. The music was heavenly. The swish of her silken skirts was divine. The fragrance of the roses upon her bosom was really intoxicating.

"Ah," she smiled, sweetly, with an arch look up into his face, "you remind me of one of Whitman's poems."

A sudden dizziness seemed to seize him. It was as if he were floating in a dream. When he had sufficiently gained his breath he spoke:

"Which one?"

"Oh, any one," she replied. "The feet are mixed in all of them."--_Everybody's_.

POETS

Sir, I admit your general rule,
That every poet is a fool,
But you yourself may serve to show it,
That every fool is not a poet.

--_Alexander Pope_.

Witter Bynner is said to have worked off a pretty good one at the Poetry Society banquet. Some one asked him if Burns and Noyes could not be likened to each other. Bynner replied: "Well, you can feel Burns, while you can only hear Noyes."

When Masefield, the British poet, visited Yale, he finished his evening's talk and readings earlier than was expected, and the chairman of the meeting suggested that the poet should read any poem requested by the audience. The audience, as usually happens, was dumb. It was an awkward moment. Finally, one of the younger English Department members rushed agitatedly into the breach.

"Won't you please read 'The Tewksbury Road,' Mr. Masefield?"

The poet looked amazed, then puzzled, and at last said with a hesitating desire not to offend "these singular Americans": "Ah--er--I--ah!--would be charmed to do so--really--but I've just read it!"

Professor Alfred Noyes, the English poet, it is known, likes very much to read his works aloud to his friends, and at Princeton, with so many young men under him, he is usually able to gratify this liking to the full. The other day Professor Noyes said to a junior who had called about an examination: "Wait a minute. Don't go yet. I want to show you the proofs of my new book of poems." But the junior made for the door frantically. "No, no," he said. "I don't need proofs. Your word is enough for me, professor."

HE--"I tore up that poem I wrote last week."

SHE--"Tore it up? Why, that was the best thing you ever did."

The little agricultural village had been billed with "Lecture on Keats" for over a fortnight. The evening arrived at length, bringing the lecturer ready to discourse on the poet. The advertised chairman, taken ill at the last moment, was replaced by a local farmer. This worthy introduced the lecturer and terminated his remarks by saying:

"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what 1 personally have often wondered--what are Keats?"

POLICE

"Why doesn't the policeman pay his fare?" inquired the old gentleman on the twopenny tram, observing that no money passed between the constable and the conductor.

"Well, you know, sir," explained the conductor, "you can't get twopence out of a copper."

"Gent up-town telephones for an officer at once. Burglar in the house."

"Let me see," said the captain, reflectively. "I've got four men censoring plays, two inspecting the gowns at a society function, and two more supervising a tango tea. Tell him I can send him an officer in about two hours."

JUDGE--"You let the burglar go to arrest an automobilist?"

POLICEMAN--"Yes. The autoist pays a fine and adds to the resources of the State; the burglar goes to prison, and the State has to pay for his keep."--_Life_.

POLITENESS

Politeness is the art of getting what you want.

MRS. SMITH--"Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my dear."

SMITH--"No; but if it was advertised at $1.98, a lot more people would have it."

"Hum, ho!" sighed the New-Hampshire farmer as he came in from down-town. "Deacon Jones wants me to be pall-bearer again to his wife's funeral."

"Wal, you're goin' to be, ain't ye?" asked the farmer's better half.

"I dunno. Y' know, when Deacon Jones's fust wife died, he asked me to be a pall-bearer, an' I did; and then his second wife died, an' I was the same again. An' then he married thet Perkins gal, and she died, and I was pall-bearer to that funeral. An' now--wal, I don't like to be all the time acceptin' favors without bein' able to return 'em."

Dickie's father was shocked to see his son kick his little playmate.

"Why did you kick John?" he asked, severely.

"I am tired of playing with him. I want him to go home," was Dickie's answer.

"Then why didn't you ask him to go home?"

"Oh"--it was Dickie's turn to be shocked--"why, daddy, that wouldn't be polite!"

_See also_ Etiquet.

POLITICAL PARTIES

Kane, Pa., May 21.--During a circus parade here today one of the elephants, as if to relieve the monotony, flung its trunk in the air and brought it down with a resounding thump on a mule at the curb quietly watching the sights.

Altho hitched to a delivery-wagon the mule wheeled about, took aim, and kicked twice. His hoofs caught the elephant squarely on the knees. The elephant stopped for an instant, but sought no further interchanges with the mule and finished the parade with a decided limp.

When Colonel Roosevelt was making a political speech in Maine he asked if there was a Democrat in the audience. An old long whiskered man rose in the back of the room and said, "I am a Democrat." Roosevelt then asked him why he was a Democrat and he said: "I've always been a Democrat, my father was a Democrat and my grandfather was a Democrat." Roosevelt then said: "Then if your father had been a horsethief and your grandfather had been a horsethief you would be a horsethief?" "No," he said, "I would be a Republican."

In an Americanization class in one of our large cities, Achilles Bonglis, a Greek, about fifty years old, was called upon to recite the oath of allegiance, and did so promptly:

"I pledge allegiance to our flag and the _Republicans_ for which it stands."

MEMBROOKE--"Backus seems to be a very popular candidate. Is he running on the Progressive ticket?"

YISTLEY--"No, the Retrogressive, His platform is five-cent trolleys, ten-cent bread, three-dollar shoes and 1913 rents."

A prominent Chicago politician, when a candidate for an important municipal office, related the following story of his campaign.

"Once I told three negroes that I'd give a big turkey to the one who'd give the best reason for his being a Republican.

"The first one said: 'I'se a 'publican kase de 'publican set us niggers free.'

"'Very good, Pete,' said I. 'Now, Bill, let me hear from you.'

"'Well, I'se a 'publican kase dey don' gib us a pertective tariff.'

"'Fine!' I exclaimed. 'Now, Sam, what have you to say?'

"'Boss," said Sam, scratching his head and shifting from one foot to the other, 'boss, I'se a 'publican kase I wants dat turkey.'

"And he got it."

POLITICIANS

"And why is he here?" we inquired, stopping in front of Padded Cell No. 44.

"He was a politician and when he finally got in office he really tried to carry out his campaign pledges," replied the attendant.--_Judge_.

"Do you find public office an easy berth?"

"I shouldn't exactly call it a berth," said Senator Sorghum, thoughtfully. "It's more like a hammock: hard to get into comfortably, and still harder to get out of gracefully."

Here lies Mr. Blank, who, on politics bent,
Was at first quite unable to say what he meant;
But schooled by experience, he soon went ahead,
Once he saw that he never need mean what he said.

"I hope that Wilhelm has not decided to take up politics," mused Senator Sorghum.

"Why?"

"Because a military man can be definitely disposed of, but a politician never quits."

In Colorado, remember, the women vote as well as the men.

In the fall of 1910 a man named Smith was running for sheriff against a man named Jones. One evening just before election Smith rode up to the barn-yard of an old farmer. The farmer was milking a cow and was having difficulty with a lusty calf that continually tried to "butt in." The candidate, to gain the favor of the farmer, took the calf between his legs and held it until the milking was done. He then introduced himself: "I am Mr. Smith, the Republican candidate for sheriff of the county. I suppose you know the man who's running against me?"

The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I reckon I do. He's in the house now, holding the baby."--_Everybody's_.

"Some of your constituents are disagreeing with you," said the trusted lieutenant.

"Well, keep tab on them," replied Senator Sorghum; "when enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'm going to turn around and agree with them."

"Are you sure your auditors understood all of your arguments?"

"If they did," answered Senator Sorghum, "I wish they'd come around and explain some of 'em to me."

"Who can furnish a clear definition of a politician?" inquired the Professor.

"I can," said the son of a Congressman. "To which party do you refer?"

"My proudest boast," declared the politician, who expected this statement to be greeted with cheers, "is that I was one of the men behind the guns."

"How many miles behind?" piped a voice from the gallery.

"What is your opinion of relativity?"

"I approve of it," replied Senator Sorghum.

"Then you understand it thoroughly?"

"Friend, if I had always been required to understand thoroughly everything I approved of I should have transacted considerable less political business."

"I'm sorry you were defeated," said a sympathetic friend of the candidate.

"Perhaps it is better so."

"That's the better way to look at it."

"Yes, according to an elderly aunt of mine who keeps up with all the family connections, I have no fewer than four hundred living relatives. I couldn't have possibly provided jobs for more than half of them."

_See also_ Public speakers.

POLITICS

GREEN--"What is the hardest work you ever did?"

CITY EMPLOYEE--"The work I did landing this job, and the next hardest is the work of keeping it from being taken away from me."--_Judge_.

"I am out of politics for good," announced the Political Boss.

"Whose?" questioned the Green Reporter.

POLITICAL BOSS--"So you wish to enter politics, madam. What are your qualifications?"

LADY APPLICANT--"Well, I have served three terms as a member of the Board of Education."

YOUNG 'UN--"I'm taking political economy at college."

OLD 'UN--"That's a useless course. Why learn to economize in politics? It's not being done."

FIRST PASSENGER--"I understand that your city has the rottenest political ring in the country."

SECOND PASSENGER--"That's right. But how did you know where I'm from?"

FIRST PASSENGER--"I don't."

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (investigating election fund)--"Dave, what happened to you before you reached the polls?"

DAVE (an old negro)--"Well suh, the fust thing, suh, a man stopped me an' said: 'Dave, heah's four dollahs; I want you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Brown; he's the Republican candidate for Congress and a very fine man.'"

PROSECUTOR--"Did you take the money?"

DAVE--"O, yassir, I took de money. And then, as I wuz goin' on down de street another man stops me and says: 'Dave, heah's seven dollahs; I want you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Rogers; he's the Democratic nominee for Congress and a very fine man.'"

PROSECUTOR--"Did you take that money, too, Dave?"

DAVE--"O, yassir, I took dat money, too, suh."

PROSECUTOR--"Then, Dave, how did you vote?"

DAVE--"Well, suh, after speculatin' quite a spell, suh, as to what a niggah ought to do in a case ob dat kind, suh, I walks right into de polls and votes de straight Republican ticket, suh, 'cause I figgered, suh, dat dis here Republican man, he war de least corrupt ob de two."

"Don't you think our friend Crossum might loom up as a dark horse?"

"No," declared Senator Sorghum, "record's too shady. It would require a great deal of whitewashing to qualify him as a dark horse."

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Father, what is a traitor in politics?"

VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one."

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?"

VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A convert, my son."

During a municipal campaign in Chicago a politician dropped in one morning to see a certain grocer. During the conversation that took place, the politician asked, "And I may count upon your support, may I not?"

"Why, no, I am sorry to say," replied the grocer. "The fact is, I have promised my support to the other candidate."

The politician laughed. "Ah," said he, "in politics, promising and performing are two different things."

"In that case," said the grocer cordially, "I shall be glad to give you my promise, sir."

STRANGER--"Upon what plan are your city institutions conducted?"

CITIZEN-"A sort of let-George-do-it system--without any George."--_Puck_.

POSTAL SERVICE

WILLIS--"What did you think of that fellow's carrying the message to Garcia?"

GILLIS--"Don't blame him a bit. With our poor Post Office service, it was the only way he could get it to him."

COUNTRY LADY--"I've been expecting a packet of medicine by post for a week, and haven't received it yet."

POST-OFFICE CLERK--"Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this form, and state the nature of your complaint."

LADY--"Well, if you must know, it's indigestion."

Aunt Mehitable Trusalive wants to know why it is every letter she gets somebody is always printing on the outside: "Join the Navy." She declares to goodness she never thought of such a thing and if they don't stop she'll have the law on them.

DASHER--"This parcel-post package is being delivered in unusually quick time. How do you account for it?"

MAIL-CARRIER--"The department thought it contained a time-bomb, sir."-_Judge_.

FANNING--"What's become of that rubber stamp, 'Dictated, but not read,' that you used to use on your letters?"

DASHER--"I threw it away and got one that prints, 'Mailed, but not delivered.'"

POVERTY

Poverty is the greatest of physicians. His method is prophylactic rather than therapeutic, but in point of results he is in a class by himself.

His practice attests the efficacy of the ounce of prevention in big doses.

Poverty ranks high as a surgeon, too. Nobody else cuts out so many things that are not good for us.

In a way he has the respect of the profession. Where he is in charge of a case no other practitioner is apt to interfere.

We should not so much esteem our poverty as a misfortune, were it not that the world treats it so much as a crime.--_Boree_.

Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not to know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing yet.--_Pericles_.

Want is a bitter and a hateful good,
Because its virtues are not understood;
Yet many things, impossible to thought,
Have been by need to full perfection brought.

--_Dryden_.

Ned Shuter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned: "A hole," said he, "may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty."

PRAISE

The highest praise for a man is to give him responsibility.

A playwright and an actor were in conversation when the former, who has been none too successful of late, exclaimed gloomily:

"People will praise my work after I am dead."

"Well," said the actor, in a consoling tone, "perhaps you are right, but don't you think it's a great deal of a sacrifice to make for a little praise?"

"Well, there's one thing about the man who sings his own praises."

"And what's that?"

"He never has to give the excuse that he has left his music home and can't play without his notes."

The love of praise, howe'er conceal'd by art,
Reigns, more or less, and glows, in ev'ry heart:
The proud, to gain it, toils on toils endure;
The modest shun it, but to make it sure.

--_Young_.

Praising what is lost,
Makes the remembrance dear.

--_Shakespeare_.

PRAYERS

A very nice and gentle minister accepted a call to a new church in a town where many of the members bred horses and sometimes raced them. A few weeks later he was asked to invite the prayers of the congregation for Lucy Grey. Willingly and gladly he did so for three Sundays. On the fourth one of the deacons told the minister he need not do it any more.

"Why," asked the good man, with an anxious look, "is she dead?"

"Oh, no," said the deacon; "she's won the steeplechase."

The two men were adrift in an open boat and it looked bad for them. Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray.

"O Lord," he prayed, "I've broken most of Thy commandments. I've been a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll promise Thee never again--"

"Wait a minute, Jack," said, his friend. "Don't go too far. I think I see a sail."

Lindsley had the little hen fast and was trying to bring her head close to the ground.

"What might you be trying to do?" exclaimed her father coming upon the small girl in the yard.

"I'm trying to make this hen say her prayers."

"Well," said the parent sadly, "I hope she'll say: 'Now I lay me.'"

BROWN (on fishing trip)--"Boys, the boat is sinking! Is there any one here who knows how to pray?"

JONES (eagerly)--"I do."

BROWN--"All right. You pray and the rest of us will put on life belts. They's one shy."

A small boy, whose father is now on the other side with the Y.M.C.A., was taught to say at the end of his prayer, "Please, God, make Graham a good boy." One night he did not say it, and when his mother asked him if he had not forgotten something, he said, "No; I thought I was asking too much of God. I'd better do more myself."

GRANDSON (who hasn't decided yet just what branch of the service will have the benefit of his talents)--"There seems to be quite a diversity of opinion regarding what prayer to say in response to the Senate's request for daily prayer for victory."

GRANDMA (industriously knitting)--"Guess any of 'em will do, so long as it isn't 'Now I lay me down to sleep.'"

"The proper way for a man to pray,"
Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,
"And the only proper attitude
Is down upon his knees."

"No, I should say the way to pray,"
Said Rev. Doctor Wise,
"Is standing straight with outstretched arms
And rapt and upturned eyes."

"Oh, no, no, no," said Elder Slow,
"Such posture is too proud;
A man should pray with eyes fast closed
And head contritely bowed."

"It seems to me his hands should be
Austerely clasped in front,
With both thumbs pointing to the ground,"
Said Rev. Doctor Blunt.

"Last year I fell in Hodgkin's well
Head first," said Cyrus Brown,
"With both my heels a-stickin' up,
My head a-pinting down;

"An' I made a prayer right then an' there--
Best prayer I ever said,
The prayingest prayer I ever prayed,
A-standing on my head."

--_Sam Walter Foss_.

A young mother was about to hear her small girl's prayers when a neighbor called and said she must see the mother right away. They had been talking at the front door several minutes when a reproachful little voice came from the top of the stairway:

"Mamma, aren't you 'shamed to keep God waiting so long?"

It was the week before little Willie's birthday, and he was on his knees at his bedside petitioning Divine Providence for presents in a very loud voice.

"Please send me," he shouted, "a bicycle, a tool chest, a--"

"What are you praying so loud for?" his younger brother interrupted. "God ain't deaf."

"I know he ain't," said little Willie, winking toward the next room, "but grandma is."

MARJORIE--"Will I get everything I pray for, mama?"

MOTHER (cautiously)--"Everything that's good for you, dear."

MARJORIE (disgustedly)--"Oh, what's the use, then; I get that anyway."--_Life_.

One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our dentists."--_Everybody's_.

SMALL YOUTH--"I ain't goin' to say my prayers tonight, mother. I'm goin' to take a chance."--_Life_.

Bobby had been taught to remember all his relatives when he said his prayers. One night, as he knelt at his mother's knee, he did not mention the name of a favorite aunt.

"Why, Bobby," said the mother, "you didn't say 'God bless Aunt Beatrice and make her happy.'"

"Well, mother," replied the little boy, "I don't have to say that any more. Aunt Beatrice's engaged."

Two prominent senators, boyhood friends, were discussing how strict had been their early religious training and how they had departed from it in late years. Said A to B: "I don't believe you even remember the Lord's Prayer, do you?" B answered: "Oh, yes, I do; I'm not such a backslider as that." Then A said: "I'll bet a dollar you cannot say the Lord's Prayer straight through." B promptly declared that he would win that dollar and, after a moment's thoughtful hesitation, repeated slowly:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

"By Jove," said A, "here is your dollar; I didn't believe you could do it."

"We'd have more prayers answered," said Bishop Hoss, of Muskogee, "if we had more faith."

"Too many of us are like Willie. Willie, on a visit to his uncle's in the country, admired a fine colt.

"'Uncle, give me that colt, will you?' he asked.

"'Why, no, Willie,' said his uncle. 'That's a very valuable colt, and I couldn't afford to give him to you. Do you want a colt so very badly?'

"'I'd rather have a colt than anything else in the world,' said Willie.

"'Then,' said his uncle. 'I'll tell you what you ought to do. Since you want a colt that much, you ought to pray for one. Whenever I want a thing I always pray for it, and then it is sure to come to me.'

"'Is that so, uncle?' said Willie, eagerly. 'Won't you please give me this colt, then, and pray for one for yourself?'"

An old darkey who was asked if, in his experience, prayer was ever answered, replied:

"Well, sah! some pra'rs is ansud, an' some isn't--'pends on wa't you axes fo'. Jest arter de wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de cullud breddern, I 'bsarved dat w'eneber I pway de Lord to sen' one o' Marse Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de old man, dere was no notis took ob de partition; but w'en I pway dat He would sen' de ole man fo' de turkey, de matter was t'ended to befo' sun-up nex' morning', dead sartin."

PREACHING

The railroad official invited the stern citizen to communicate his troubles.

"I want you to give orders," demanded the visitor, "that the engineer of the express which passes through Elm Grove at 11:55 be restrained from blowing his whistle Sunday mornings."

"Impossible!" exploded the official. "What prompts you to make such a ridiculous request?"

"Well, you see," explained the citizen in an undertone, "our pastor preaches until he hears the whistle blow and that confounded express was twenty minutes late last Sunday."

The American in England affords cause for much perplexity and astonishment to his English kinsmen.

A Yankee soldier was being shown over an old church wherein hundreds of people were buried.

"A great many people sleep between these walls," said the guide, indicating the inscription-covered floor with a sweep of his hand.

"So?" said the Sammy. "Same way over in our country. Why don't you get a more interesting preacher?"

A colored preacher called on a white minister.

He found the white man busy writing.

"What you-all doin'?" he asked.

"I'm preparing notes for my sermon for next Sunday."

The colored gentleman shook his head.

"I certainly would nebber do dat, sir," he said. "De debbil am a-lookin' right over your shoulder and knows everything you gwine to say and he am prepared for you. Now, I don't make no notes and when I gets up to talk, neder me nor de debbil hisself don't know what I'm goin' to say."

Bishop Partridge is a collector of anecdotes about ministers, and in an anecdotal mood he said the other day:

"I once asked a minister how he had got through a certain service. He answered grimly:

"'Well, bishop, the service was soothing, moving and satisfactory.'

"'Yes,' I said a little puzzled.

"'Yes, exactly,' said he. 'It was soothing because over half the congregation went to sleep. It was moving because half of the other half left before I was through. And it must have been satisfactory, inasmuch as I wasn't asked to come again.'"

The minister had just preached his farewell sermon to the congregation with whom he had had much trouble.

"How beautiful!" said a visitor to one of the deacons, "and how appropriate for a farewell sermon!"

"Think so?" said the deacon gruffly.

"Why, yes. What better text could he find than 'In My Father's house are many mansions.... I go to prepare a place for you.' By the way, where is he going?"

The deacon smiled sourly as he answered: "He becomes chaplain of the State penitentiary."

While a certain Scottish minister was conducting religious services in an asylum for the insane, one of the inmates cried out wildly:

"I say, have we got to listen to this?"

The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper and said:

"Shall I stop speaking?"

The keeper replied:

"No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. That man only has one lucid moment every seven years."

Mr. Bryan says his next statement will be divided into three parts. Instinctively we recall the announcement of a mountaineer preacher who said to his flock:

"Brethren, I hev decided t' divide my sermon in three parts. Th' fust part I'll understand an' you won't. Th' second part you'll understand an' I won't. Th' third part nobody'll understand."

The teacher had asked, "Why did David say he would rather be a door-keeper in the house of the Lord?"

"Because," answered a boy, "he could then walk outside while the sermon was being preached."

"It was hot last Sunday night when the preacher started his Sunday sermon," says the _Fort Scott (Kan.) Tribune_.

"He observed that his sermon would be brief; that to be immortal, it is not necessary to be eternal."

The critical instinct grows by what it is fed upon. No matter how well you do, some people are never satisfied and this is especially true in families.

A Philadelphia divine was entertaining a couple of clergymen from New York at dinner. The guests spoke in praise of a sermon their host had delivered the Sunday before. The host's son was at the table, and one of the New York clergymen said to him: "My lad, what did you think of your father's sermon?"

"I guess it was very good," said the boy, "but there were three mighty fine places where he could have stopped."

_See also_ Clergy.

PREJUDICE

Prejudice means "judging before" you have the facts. Never judge till after you have the facts. Nothing is so utterly devoid of reason as a passionate hatred of any race or class. All men are much the same when you come to know them. Class or race faults are superficial. The human qualities strike deep.--_Dr. Frank Crane_.

A prejudice is a conviction not shared by you.

"Do you like codfish?"

"No, I don't like codfish, and I'm glad I don't like it, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I hate the damn stuff."

PREPAREDNESS

GRUBBS--"Are you planning to make any good resolutions?"

STUBBS--"No, I am already pretty well stocked up in that way. You see, I never used those I made last year."

PRESCRIPTIONS

"You must give up coffee and--"

"I never drink it, doctor."

"And stop smoking."

"I don't smoke."

"Humph! that's bad. If you haven't anything to give up, I'm afraid I can't do much for you."

"Why do you bring a check with the cocktails?"

"That isn't a check. That's the house chemist's certificate."

The curator of the museum was classifying Egyptian curios. He observed a perplexed expression on the face of his young assistant.

"What seems to be the matter, Jones?" he asked. "Is there anything you don't understand?"

"Yes, sir," answered the helper. "Here is a papyrus on which the characters are so badly traced that they are indecipherable. How shall I classify it?"

"Let me see," said the curator, examining the piece. "Just call it a doctor's prescription in the time of Pharaoh."

Spirit writing--the modern doctor's prescription--_Life_.

_See also_ Names, Personal.

PRETENSION

Pretension is a kind of velvet cloak
I wear to hide my real self from view,
And yet where'er I meet with other folk
I always find they wear this garment too.

Pretension is a kind of golden veil
Behind whose mesh I seek to hide my face,
And yet where'er I go I never fail
To see that others wear it too with grace.

Pretension is a thing I say I hate
In both myself and in my dearest friend,
And yet whene'er I slyly watch and wait
I find in some regard we all pretend.

--_Ernest Powell_.

Where there is much pretension, much has been borrowed: Nature never pretends.--_Lavater_.

When half-gods go, the gods arrive.--_Emerson_.

PRICES

"Have any trouble in getting your money back?"

"Not a bit," replied the dissatisfied purchaser. "But I got the worst of it, as usual. The price of the article had jumped so by the time I got back to the store that they made a profit by getting it in stock again."

Jean longed for a kitten. When illness made it necessary for Jean to go to the hospital, her mother said:

"I will make a bargain with you, Jean. If you will be a brave little girl about your operation, you shall have the nicest kitten I can find."

Jean took the ether, but later, as she came out from under the anesthetic, she realized how very wretched she felt. The nurse leaned over to catch her first spoken word.

"What a bum way to get a cat!" moaned the child.--_Harper's_.

The most cheerful sign is that counterfeiters are again finding it worth while to make money.

PRIDE

Randolph Bourne, a brilliant American writer who recently died, left many thoughts that stand out like cut diamonds. Here is one: "Only Pride is creation."

Pride forms one of the towering pillars in the structure of efficient performance.

Not until you feel the worth of what you do, are you able freely to dominate and achieve. Through the hard days of darkness and discouragement, up and beyond the gruelling grades of steep ways, are you asked to go if you desire substantial reward. It takes pride to endure.

It is pride in a man's heart that makes him a willing gift, in mind and body, to be taken in hand by some great idea or noble cause.

Pride does not stoop to littleness. Rather does it see in the signs of unselfishness and sacrifice the elements that lead to eternal character.

Life is but a link in the chain of everlasting good.

If a man dies, does lie live again? Yes, for a man lives forever in the deeds and thoughts of his life expression. And every man who shall pass his thought through every age that has been, shall be whitened and renewed, to go on his way the better for every creative thought left behind.

It's the pride in a man's soul that leads him on!

Pride creates first--then contributes in natural turn.

Until we become too proud to stoop to mean ways and unworthy ends, we shall have tasted of but a sample of what life holds in substance and bigness.--_George Matthew Adams_.

To acknowledge our faults when we are blamed is modesty; to discover them to one's friends in ingenuousness, is confidence; but to preach them to all the world, if one does not take care, is pride.--_Confucius_.

PRINTERS

Some of the finest jokes extant come through the fact that the printer's finger slips. Here are some which, like all others, are funny a long, long, long time afterward--never at the time.

A Chicago paper reported that the propeller _Alaska_ was leaving port with a cargo of 40,000 bushels of cats.

A Buffalo paper, in describing the scene when Roosevelt took the oath of office as President, said it was a spectacle never to be forgotten when Roosevelt, before the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and a few witnesses, took his simple bath.

PRISONS

BILL--"I see the authorities seriously object to the prisoners forging checks while in Sing Sing."

TILL--"Well, I suppose they think it is particularly bad form for the prisoners to do that sort of thing while enjoying the hospitality of the State."

VISTOR (at the jail)--"Poor man! What are you locked up here for?"

PRISONER (wearily)--"I suppose they think I'd get out if I wasn't."

PROFANITY

When father came home to dinner he observed a vacant chair at the table. "Where's the boy?" he asked, nodding to the chair.

"Harry is up-stairs," came in a tone of painful precision from the mother.

"I hope he is not sick."

There was an anxious pause. "No, he is not sick," continued the mother. "It grieves me to say, Richard, that our son, your son, has been heard swearing on the street. I heard him myself."

"Swearing!" exclaimed the father. "I'll teach him to swear!"

And with that the angry parent started up-stairs in the dark. Half-way up he stumbled and came down with his chin on the top step.

When the confusion had subsided Harry's mother was heard saying from the hallway: "That will do, Richard, dear. You have given him enough for one lesson."

Sometime ago a pious young clerical prevailed on a rather profane aviator to take him for a flight. After attaining several thousand feet the motor suddenly stopped, revealing to the uttermost the aviator's gift of profanity.

The alarmed pastor excitedly demanded if there was any danger. The pilot replied sarcastically that there would be prayer instead of profanity if there was any danger.

The motor "cut in" again and the flight continued. Suddenly the motor stopped again and notwithstanding the pilot's efforts, accompanied by the usual lurid language, he was forced to alight. Just as he flattened out for his landing, the pilot was disconcerted by hearing the parson exclaim in fervid tones: "Thank God the aviator is still swearing."

Small Ann's mother had been disturbed to hear her using the word "devil." "My dear," said she, "that is a word we do _not_ use in polite society, and I never want to hear you say it again."

She noticed that her admonition was carefully heeded. Then on Sunday evening, about two weeks later, the mother inquired what the day's lesson had been about. "Why, mother," was Ann's answer, "it was about when our Lord was tempted by the--by--by--the--the _gentleman that keeps hell!_"

Young William was evincing much interest in the evening paper, but finally a puzzled look came over his countenance.

"Mother," said he, finally, "what does D--d stand for?"

"Doctor of Divinity, my son. Don't they teach you the common abbreviations in school?"

"Sure; but that don't seem to sound right here."

"Read it out aloud."

"WITNESS: I heard the defendant say, I'll make you suffer for this. I'll be doctor of divinity if I don't!'"

"Say, Sam, why do you-all carry that parrot around with you on the wagon?"

"Well, yo' see, boss, I'se a membah of the chu'ch, but de mule ain't, so I hauls the pa'ot to fu'nish the cussin' fo' de mule."

FATHER--"I'm ashamed to see you crying because a bee stung you. Act like a man."

BOBBIE--"Y-yes, and th-then you-you'd gim-me a li-lickin', like you s-said y-you would i-if yon ever h-heard m-me usin' that k-kind of l-language."

PROFESSIONS

An ambitious young man went to a university professor and said: "Sir, I desire a course of training which will fit me to become the superintendent of a great railway system. How much will such a course cost, and how long will it take?"

"Young man," replied the professor, "such a course would cost you twenty thousand dollars, and require twenty years of your time. But, on the other hand, by spending three hundred dollars of your money and three months of your time you may be elected to Congress. Once there you will feel yourself competent to direct not one but all the great railroad systems of our country."

The reform warden always made it a point to give each new arrival a chance to do the work with which he was familiar, if the penitentiary dealt in his line. A tailor named Levinski arrived, and it was ordered that he be employed at that trade, if there was an opening. There wasn't. He was asked if he was adept at anything else. "Yes," he replied, with a smile, "I am a crackerjack traveling salesman."

PROFITEERS

The wicked garage-keeper was trying to figure out his income tax.

"If a man brings his car to me to be repaired, and it costs me sixty cents, and I charge him sixteen dollars, what per cent profit would I be making?" he demanded of his son and heir.

"I'm sure I don't know, pop," answered that young hopeful. "You'll have to get somebody who knows the rules of grand larceny to tell you that. The rules for percentage wouldn't cover it!"

"Say, Cy, I jest found out what a rube is."

"Thet so, Hiram? What is it?"