Chapter V: Part 5

Lives of master crooks remind us
We may do a bit of time,
And, departing, leave behind us
Thumb-prints in the charts of crime.--_Life_.

Fear follows crime, and is its punishment.--_Voltaire_.

Responsibility prevents crimes.--_Burke_.

If poverty is the mother of crimes, want of sense is the father.--_La Bruyere_.

But many a crime deemed innocent on earth
Is registered in heaven; and these no doubt
Have each their record, with a curse annex'd.

--_Cowper_.

CRITICISM

A man must serve his time at ev'ry trade,
Save censure; critics all are ready-made.

--_Byron_.

Damn with faint praise, assent with evil leer,
And, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer:
Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,
Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike.

--_Pope_.

THE ARTIST--"Dubbins, the art critic, has slated my pictures unmercifully."

HIS FRIEND--"Oh, don't take any notice of that fellow; he has no ideas of his own--he only repeats like a parrot what everybody else is saying."

CULTURE

JIGGS--"Townsen can read three languages."

TRIGGS--"What are they?"

JIGGS--"Magazines, sporting pages and railroad time-tables."

HE--"Not quite a lady, is she?"

SHE--"No--but I should say her pearls are 'cultured,'"

That is true cultivation which gives us sympathy with every form of human life, and enables us to work most successfully for its advancement.--_Beecher_.

CURES

_A Testimonial_

DOCTOR--"Did that cure for deafness really help your brother?"

PAT--"Sure enough; he hadn't heard a sound for years and the day after he took that medicine, he heard from a friend in America."

CURIOSITY

"My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar diamond necklace."

"Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions asked?"

"Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my wife's ability to fulfill the rest of that contract."

William E. Weber of the First National Bank says a woman came up to his window the other day with a cashier's check for fifty dollars.

"What denomination," asked Mr. Weber in his pleasantest manner.

"Lutheran," replied the woman. "What are you?"

CURRENT EVENTS

MRS. BARR--"Henry, what are current events?"

MR. BARR--"Anything shocking, my dear"--_Life_.

CUSTOM

Foote, the comedian, dined one day at a country inn, and the landlord asked how he liked his fare.

"I have dined as well as any man in England," said Foote.

"Except the mayor," cried the landlord.

"I except nobody," said he.

"But you must!" screamed the host.

"I won't!"

"You must!"

At length a petty magistrate took Foote before the mayor, who observed that it had been customary in that town for a great number of years always to "except the mayor," and accordingly fined him a shilling for not conforming to ancient custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid the shilling, at the same time observing that he thought the landlord the greatest fool in Christendom--except the mayor.

To follow foolish precedents, and wink
With both our eyes, is easier than to think.

--_Cowper_.

Custom does often reason overrule,
And only serves for reason to the fool.

--_Rochester_.

DACHSHUNDS

An Englishman sat at a New York boarding-house table. One of the boarders was telling a story in which a "dachshund" figured. She was unable for a moment to think of the word.

"It was one of these--what do you call them?--one of these long German dogs."

The Englishman dropped his fork: his face beamed. "Frankfurters!"

DAMAGES

The conversation turned to the subject of damage-suits, and this anecdote was recalled by Senator George Sutherland, of Utah.

A man in a Western town was hurt in a railroad accident, and after being confined to his home for several weeks he appeared on the street walking with the aid of crutches.

"Hello, old fellow," greeted an acquaintance, rushing up to shake his hand. "I am certainly glad to see you around again."

"Thanks," responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around again."

"I see you are hanging fast to your crutches," observed the acquaintance. "Can't you do without them?"

"My doctor says I can," answered the injured party, "but my lawyer says I can't."

"I have come here," said the angry man to the superintendent of the street-car line, "to get justice; justice, sir. Yesterday, as my wife was getting off one of your cars, the conductor stept on her dress and tore a yard of frilling off the skirt."

The superintendent remained cool.

"Well, sir," he said, "I don't know that we are to blame for that. What do you expect us to do? Get her a new dress?"

"No, sir. I do not intend to let you off so easily as that," the other man replied gruffly. He brandished in his right hand a small piece of silk.

"What I propose to have you do," he said, "is to match this silk."

DANCING

The minister was dining with the Fullers and he was denouncing the new styles in dancing. Turning to the daughter of the house, he asked sternly:

"Do you yourself, Miss Fuller, think the girls who dance these dances are right?"

"They must be," was the answer, "because I notice the girls who don't dance them are always left."

DAYLIGHT SAVING

"Is your husband in favor of daylight saving?"

"I think so. He stays out so much at night that I think he'd really prefer not to use any daylight at all."

Young Hopeful, who lives in the suburbs, was very much interested in the adjustment of the time, and on the morning when the clocks had been set back an hour awoke his mother.

"Mother, mother," he called from his little bed, "listen to Mrs. Jones' chickens! They must have forgotten to tell them to set their crow back."

"Well, yes," admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark., "I've heerd something or nuther about setting the clock for'ards or bac'ards for some reason. I don't prezisely know what. But it don't make no special difference at our house one way or tother for the clock runs about as it pleases till some of us sorter climb up and set it b'guess and b'gosh as you might say. And if we save or lose an hour or two what's the odds? We've got all the time there is anyway."

Geordie Ryton, the village cobbler, bought two clocks, one a grandfather's. He put it in a corner and placed a small nickel clock on the mantel-shelf. The grandfather's clock has not been altered to the Daylight Saving Bill's requirements. "Hoo is't, Geordie," asked a customer, "ye've altered the smaal clock and not the gran'faither's clock?"

"Wey," replied Geordie, "they said the gran'faither's clock's been tellin' the truth for ower sixty year, an' Aa can't find it in me heart te make a liar ov it noo. But the little begger wes made in Jarmany, so it'll be aal reet, he's as reet as can be for that job."

"What is worrying you now?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied the man who is perpetually pensive. "I am merely trying to figure out what has become of all the daylight I saved since we set the clocks forward."

"Jonas," ordered the farmer, "all the clocks in the house have run down. Wish you'd hitch up and ride down to the junction and find out what time it is."

"I ain't got a watch. Will you lend me one?"

"Watch! Watch! What d'ye want a watch fer? Write it down on a piece of paper."

DEAD BEATS

_See_ Bills; Collecting of accounts.

DEBTS

CREDITOR--"You couldn't go around in your fine automobile if you paid your debts."

DEBTOR--"That's so! I'm glad you look at it in the same light that I do."

HARDUPPE--"I really must apologize for looking so shabby."

FLUBDUBB--"Oh, clothes don't make the man."

HARDUPPE--"Still, many a man owes a lot to his tailor."

"Look 'ere--I asks yer for the last time for that 'arf-dollar yer owes me."

"Thank 'evins!--that's the end of a silly question."

A floating debt is a poor life saver.

"Yes," said the world traveler, "the Chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New-year's day."

"So I understand," said the American host, "but, then, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before."

OKE--"Would you be satisfied if you had all the money you wanted?"

OWENS--"I'd be satisfied if I had all the money my creditors wanted."

MR. THURSDAY--"Our friend, Dodge, tells me that he is doing settlement work lately."

MR. FRIDAY--"Yes, his creditors finally cornered him."

"How did Cranbury ever manage to get so deeply in debt as he is?"

"I wish I knew. I can't even stand my grocer off for more than a week at a time."

RASTUS--"How much, boss?"

DRUGGIST--"Sixty cents and three cents war tax."

RASTUS--"Boss, Ah done thought de wah was over."

DRUGGIST--"Sure, it is, but we have to pay the debts."

RASTUS--"Boss, Ah always thought de one whut lost paid de debts. Dat's why I fight so hard."

"I was preparing to shave a chap the other afternoon," says a head barber. "I had trimmed his hair, and from such talk as I had had with him I judged him to be an easy-going, unexcitable sort of fellow. But suddenly his manner changed. Out of the corner of his eye he had seen a man enter whose appearance upset him."

"Hurry, George!" he muttered to me. "Lather to the eyes--quick, quick! Here comes my tailor!"

IRATE FATHER--"It's astonishing, Richard, how much money you need."

SON--"I don't need it, father; it's the hotel-keepers, the tailors, and the taxicab men."

_See also_ Bills; Collecting of accounts.

DEGREES

"You college men seem to take life pretty easy."
"Yes; even when we graduate we do it by degrees."

--_Boston Transcript_.

Our British cousins seem to think we have peculiar ways of getting our D.D.'s over here. A London newspaper relates how the congregation of a Southern church, being desirous of honoring their pastor, wrote to the dean of a certain faculty: "We want to get our beloved pastor a D.D. We enclose all the money we can raise at present. Be good enough to send one D. now. We hope to raise sufficient for the other D. by and by."

DEMAGOG

"Father," said the small boy, "what is a demagog?"

"A demagog, my son, is a man who can rock the boat himself and persuade everybody that there's a terrible storm at sea."

DEMOCRACY

ADKINS--"Well, the world is at last safe for democracy."

WATKINS--"Just what is democracy, anyway?"

"A democracy is a form of government where one party doesn't do things as they ought to be done, and the other party tells how much better they would be done if it were in power."

In his first lecture in New York the visiting English writer and wit, G.K. Chesterton, protested against prohibition and other limitations on American freedom. He quoted the phrase from Patrick Henry's address, "Give me liberty or give me death." Then he said:

"If Patrick Henry could arise from the dead and revisit the land of the living and see the vast system and social organization and social science which now controls, he would probably simplify his observation and say: 'Give me death!'"

Democracy means not "I am as good as you are," but "you are as good as I am."--_Theodore Parker_.

DENTISTS

"Pardon me for a moment, please," said the dentist to the victim, "but before beginning this work I must have my drill."

"Good heavens, man!" exclaimed the patient irritably. "Can't you pull a tooth without a rehearsal?"

Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she got up enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth she screamed.

"What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't you know I'm a 'painless dentist'?"

"Well, sah," retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo' is painless, but Ah isn't."

DENTIST--"Open wider, please--wider."

PATIENT--"A--A--A--Ah."

DENTIST (inserting rubber gag, towel, and sponge)--"How's your family?"

A young man who needed false teeth wrote to a dentist ordering a set as follows:

"My mouth is three inches acrost, five-eighths inches threw the jaw. Some hummocky on the edge. Shaped like a hoss-shew, toe forward. If you want me to be more particular, I shall have to come thar."

Dentist, speaking to patient about to have a tooth extracted--"Have you heard the latest song hit?"

Patient--"No. What is the title of it?"

Dentist--"The Yanks are Coming."

Returning home from the dentist's, where he had gone to have a loose tooth drawn, little Raymond reported as follows:

"The doctor told me 'fore he began that if I cried or screamed it would cost me a dollar, but if I was a good boy it would be only fifty cents."

"Did you scream?" his mother asked.

"How could I?" answered Raymond. "You only gave me fifty cents."

Mr. Harkins had taken his boy, aged ten, to have an offending molar tooth drawn. When the job had been accomplished, the dentist said: "I am sorry, sir, but I shall have to charge you five dollars for pulling that tooth."

"Five dollars!" exclaimed Mr. Harkins, in dismay. "Why, I understood you to say that you charged only one dollar for such work!"

"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office."--_Harper's_.

DEPARTMENT STORES

"I want some shoe-strings, some hairpins, a pair of gloves, and a tooth-brush," the woman said. "I have to catch a train, and have but a few minutes."

"Yes, madam!" the floorwalker replied briskly. "That's the beauty of a department store-get anything you want, right under the one roof! Take elevator to eleventh floor, shoe department, eight aisles to the right from the main passageway, for shoe-strings; hairpins in notions department, east side of basement, three aisles beyond hardware; gloves in women's wear, fifth floor of annex, reached by passageway over street; toothbrush in drugs and toilet-articles department, on balcony, reached by moving stairway, which you will find on your right as you pass the fountain in the florist shop in the center of the main floor."

DESTINATION

Where'er I go, in this far land,
The people wish to understand
Where I am going. If I knew
They would not think my answer true;
And if I said I did not know
They would advise me not to go.

The new guard was not familiar with a certain railway run in Wales. Came to a station which rejoiced in the name Llanfairfechanpwllgogerych. For a few minutes he stood looking at the signboard in mute helplessness. Then pointing to the board, and waving his other arm toward the carriages, he called, "If there's anybody there for here, this is it!"

DETECTIVES

HOKUS--"How does Sleuthpup rank as a detective?"

POKUS--"Great. You know, he used to work in the repair department of an umbrella factory."

"What has that got to do with being a detective?"

"Why, that fellow can recover an umbrella that has never been stolen."

DETERMINATION

"Thirty years ago," said the man who had traveled to the end of the earth and most of the way back, "I started out, alone, unaided, without friends to help me along, with the intention of making the world pay me the living that it owes me. My only allies were a dollar bill and a determination to make a million more. Today (and he threw out his chest proudly) I still have the determination and fifty cents in change."

When hope seems dim
And the worst's in sight,
When you've lost your vim,
Just hang on tight;
Give blow for a blow,
And don't give in,
Till you've let 'em all know
That you tried to win.

DIAGNOSIS

FRIEND--"What is the first thing you do when a man presents himself to you for consultation?"

DOCTOR--"I ask him if he has a car."

FRIEND--"What do you learn from that?"

DOCTOR--"If he has one, I know he is wealthy--and if he hasn't, I know he is healthy."

Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.

A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't it wonderful? What do you think of him?"

"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.

The telephone rang and the bookkeeper answered it.

"Yes, madam, this is Wilkins's market."

"This is Mrs. Blank. I want you to know that the liver you sent me is most unsatisfactory. It is not calf's liver at all; calf's liver is tender and----"

"Just a moment, madam, and I'll call the proprietor."

"What is it?" Wilkins asked.

The bookkeeper surrendered the phone.

"Mrs. Blank," he said. "Liver Complaint."

Axel, a Swede in an outfit at Fort Jay, woke up one morning with a desire to loaf. He got put on sick-call, thinking it was worth trying, anyway. At the dispensary the "doc." looked him over, felt his pulse, and took his temperature. Then he said:

"I can't find anything wrong with you."

No answer.

"See here, what's wrong with you anyway?"

"Doc," replied Axel. "That bane your yob."

"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed de doctah's kyar eroun 'dar yestiddy."

"It was for my brother, Lila."

"Sho! What's he done got de matter of'm?"

"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and seems as well as any one; but he can't do any work at all."

"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what you brothe' got! Dat's a gif!"--_Everybody's_.

DILEMMAS

The house doctor of a Cincinnati theater sometimes tires of his office; hence the following:

One evening an excited usher rushed to the doctor's seat and whispered a brief message. The occupant rose at once and both men left the orchestra hastily and made for the dressing-rooms.

"It's the leading lady," wailed one of the actresses, meeting them; "come this way."

"Have you poured water on her head?" inquired the doctor, solemnly.

"Yes, from the fire-bucket."

"The fire bucket!--what a fearful blunder! Here," and he scribbled a line on a card, "take this to the drug-store and get it filled."

When the leading lady found herself alone with the doctor, she opened her eyes.

"Doctor," she gasped, "you're a good fellow, aren't you? I know you are aware that there's nothing the matter with me. I want a day off, and I don't want to go on in this act. Can you fix it?"

"You bet I can," said the doctor, wringing her hand, sympathetically. "I ain't no doctor. I came in on this ticket."

A lady's leather handbag was left in my car while parked on Park avenue two weeks ago. Owner can have same by calling at my office, proving the property and paying for this ad. If she will explain to my wife that I had nothing to do with its being there, I will pay for the ad.

"Mamma, if a bear should swallow me, I should die, shouldn't I?"

"Yes, dear."

"And should I go to heaven?"

"Yes, dear. Why do you ask that question?"

"And would the bear have to go too?"

A new regulation in a certain coal-mine required that each man mark with chalk the number on every car of coal mined.

One man named Ole, having filled the eleventh car, marked it with a number one and, after pondering a while, let it go at that.

Another miner, happening to notice what he thought was a mistake, called Ole's attention to the fact that he had marked the car number one instead of eleven.

"Yes, I know," said Ole; "but I can't tank which side de odder wan go on."

Dinah Snow was a colored cook in the home of the Smiths. One morning on going to the kitchen Mrs. Smith noticed that Dinah looked as if she had been tangled up with a road-roller.

"Why, Dinah!" exclaimed she, "what in the world has happened to you?"

"Was me husban,'" explained Dinah. "He done went an' beat me ag'in, an' jes' fo' nothin', too!"

"Again!" cried Mrs. Smith, with increasing wonder. "Is he in the habit of beating you? Why don't you have him arrested?"

"Been thinkin' ob it several times, missy," was the rejoinder of Dinah, "but I hain't nebah had no money to pay his fine."

"Yes," said the storekeeper, "I want a good, bright boy to be partly indoors and partly outdoors."

"That's all right," said the applicant, "but what becomes of me when the door slams shut?"--_Judge_.

DINING

_Nocturne_

The hour grows late,
And hungrily I wait
To hear her say
Three words--three little words,
Yet great
Enough to bring completeness to the day.

At last she comes,
Cassandra tall and dark--
Oh, very dark! A careless tune she hums,
And pauses shamelessly to mark
How her delay has angered or unnerved
The weak among us. Then she snuffles--Hark!
_"Dinnah am served!"_
--E.W.B.

"Has Bobbie been eating between meals?"

"Bobbie has no between meals."--_Life_.

A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room at a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for dining.

"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three, and supper from three to eight," explained the clerk.

"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin' ter git ter see the town?"

"Mama, I want a dark breakfast."

"Dark breakfast? What do you mean, child?"

"Why, last night you told Mary to give me a light supper, and I didn't like it."

MOTHER (at the breakfast-table)--"You always ought to use your napkin, Georgie."

GEORGIE--"I am usin' it, mother; I've got the dog tied to the leg of the table with it."

DIPLOMACY

"Father," said the small boy, "what is an overt act?"

"My son, an overt act is something that either compels you to be so rude as to fight or so polite as to pretend you didn't notice it."

"Now, sir," said the persuasive philanthropist, "we want you to be the chairman of the big meeting which we are to hold."

"How much?" inquired Mr. Cassius Chex, wearily.

"I don't quite follow you."

"How much is the deficit that you expect my subscription to meet?"

Uncle Mose owns and operates an "exclusive shoe-shining parlor" in a little Northwestern town, and, as customers are rather scarce thereabouts, he can't afford to offend any of them. But his "parlor" has to be run on a strict cash basis. So when a man a little too well known to Uncle Mose as "slow pay" about town came in to have his shoes shined and suggested to the old negro a desire to pay at a later date, Uncle Mose did some quick thinking.

"I'se sorry, boss; I sure is," he replied with diplomatic suavity; "but I jes' cain't do it. You see, de banker on de nex' cohner an' me--we done made a 'greement dat ef I didn't loan money he wouldn't shine shoes, an' I jes' cain't break dat 'greement."

Diplomacy has been defined as the art of letting someone else have your way.

DISARMAMENT

Were half the power that fills the world with terror,
Were half the wealth bestowed on camps and courts
Given to redeem the human mind from ERROR,
There were no need of arsenals and forts.

--_Longfellow_.

"What do you think of this disarmament idea?"

"I'm for it. If those people next door will sell their player piano, I'll agree to have my daughter stop taking singing lessons."

DISCHARGE

COMMANDING OFFICER--"Snathy, here is your honorable discharge, you ought to be proud of it."

SNATHY--"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was discharged ah was jest fired."

DISCIPLINE

The principal of a certain school for girls had occasion to speak sharply to one of the pupils.

"Marion," he said, "you've neglected your work shamefully, and you must remain with me an hour after school."

Marion shrugged her thin little shoulders. "Well," she said, "if your wife doesn't mind it, I'm sure I don't."

In a certain public school very advanced ideas are put into practice. No pupil is ever punished in any way, for the individuality of every child is considered too sacred for repression.

One day, soon after her enrollment at this school, little Grace arrived home, her face streaked with tears and her mouth covered with blood.

"My precious! What happened?" cried her mother.

The little girl was soon pouring out her story in her mother's arms. Sammy Gates, it appeared, had struck her and knocked out two teeth.

When Grace had been kissed, comforted, and washed, her father wanted to know how the teacher had dealt with Sammy.

"She didn't do anything," said Grace.

"Well, what did she say?"

"She called Sammy up to the desk and said, 'Sammy, don't you know that was very anti-social?'"

HUSBAND--"You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you."

WIFE--"Oh, yes, I will.--You were just as troublesome yourself at first."

_See also_ Children; Parents.

DISCOUNTS

SPOKESMAN OF CREDITORS--"Veil, Cohen, we've decided to accept five cents on a tollar--cash."

COHEN, THE DEBTOR--"Cash, you say? Den, of course, I get der regular cash discount?"--_Puck_.

DISCRETION

WILLIE--"Pa, what is discretion?"

FATHER--"Oh, that's only another name for lack of nerve, my son."

Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to win all the duties of life.--_Addison_.

DISPOSITION

"Allow me to congratulate you."

"What for?"

"Oh, for just anything--the sunshine, the blue skies, the fact that you are up and about. Isn't that something?"

"No!"

"Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like yours."

"Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped the Grouch on the street.

"I hope so," replied the Grouch, as he kept on traveling.

"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fat fellows are always good natured?"

"We have to be," answered Bob. "You see, we can't either fight or run."

"What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!"

"Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinking what a good time she would have if she were having it."

DISTANCES

The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belonging to an American traveler, and remarked that "the German Army might get there some time," should be classed with the London banker who said to a solicitous mother seeking to send cash to San Antonio, Texas, for her wandering son: "We haven't any correspondent in San Antonio, but I'll give you a draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it any fine afternoon."

At Sadieville, Ky., a tourist called to an old colored man: "Hey uncle! How far is it to Lexington?"

"I don't know, suh; hit used to be 'bout twenty-five mile, but ev'ything's gone up so I speck hit's 'bout fohty now, suh."

"Where do you live in the city--close in?"

"Fairly so--thirty minutes on foot, fifteen by motor-car, twenty-five by street-car, and forty-five by telephone."

DIVORCE

"Binks has married again."

"I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!"

At the present terrific rate of divorce cases, we shall soon need a new reference-book--"Who's Whose."

SOLICITOR (whose client is thinking of getting a divorce)--"Well, you can get it for about twenty pounds; everything done quietly and no publicity."

CLIENT--"And how much will the real thing cost, with lots of publicity and everything?"

WIFE (trying to think of The Hague)--"Let's see, what is the name of the place where so much was done toward promoting peace in the world?"

HUB--"Reno, my dear."

"And are the divorce laws so very liberal in your section?"

"Liberal? Say! They are so liberal that nobody ever heard of a woman crying at a wedding out there."

A divorce suit would not appeal so much to a jury if it was cleaned before it was pressed.

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"An item about a California man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."--_Everybody's_.

"Scotsman, married, desires change."--_Weekly Paper_.

We ought to warn him that the Divorce Court is very congested just now.

To matrimonial speedsters, divorce is just a detour.

DOCTORS

"What is your greatest wish, Doctor, now that you have successfully passed for your degree?"

YOUNG DOCTOR--"To put 'Dr.' before my own name, and 'Dr.' after the name of other people."--_Life_.

"Who is your family doctor?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not? Don't you know his name?"

"Yes. Dr. Johnson used to be our family doctor but nowadays mother goes to an eye specialist; father to a stomach specialist; my sister goes to a throat specialist; my brother is in the care of a lung specialist, and I'm taking treatments from an osteopath."

A young suburban doctor whose practice was not very great sat in his study reading away a lazy afternoon in early summer. His man servant appeared at the door.

"Doctor, them boys is stealin' your green peaches again. Shall I chase them away?"

The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then leveled his eyes at the servant.

"No," he said.

Once an old darky visited a doctor and was given definite instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head he started to leave the office, when the doctor said:

"Here, Rastus, you forgot to pay me."

"Pay yo for what, boss?"

"For my advice," replied the doctor.

"Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it," and Rastus shuffled out.

M.D.--"Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation?"

MANNING--"Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the price?"--_Life_.

"How do you pronounce 'pneumonia'?" asked the French boy, who had come to England to learn the language.

His only chum told him.

"That's odd," replied the young Gaul. "It says in this story I am reading that the doctor pronounced it fatal."

Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up appendicitis cases he learned that in 17 per cent. of the operations for that disease the post-mortem examinations showed that the appendix was in perfect condition.

"The whole subject," he adds, "reminds me of a true story I heard in London recently. In the hospitals there, the ailment of the patient, when he is admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as 'T. B.' for tuberculosis. An American doctor was examining these history slips when his curiosity was aroused by the number on which the letters 'G.O.K.' appeared. He said to the physician who was showing him around:

"'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G.O.K. in London. What is it, anyhow?'

"Oh, that means 'God only knows,'" replied the English physician.

The fashionable physician walked in, in his breezy way, and nodded smilingly at his patient.

"Well, here I am, Mrs. Adams," he announced. "What do you think is the matter with you this morning?"

"Doctor, I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient languidly. "What is new?"

"When I was a boy," said the gray-haired physician, who happened to be in a reminiscent mood, "I wanted to be a soldier; but my parents persuaded me to study medicine."

"Oh, well," rejoined the sympathetic druggist, "such is life. Many a man with wholesale aspirations has to content himself with a retail business."

The eminent physicians had been called in consultation. They had retired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. In the closet of that room a small boy had been concealed by the patient's directions to listen to what the consultation decided and to tell the patient who desired genuine information.

"Well, Jimmy," said the patient, when the boy came to report, "what did they say?"

"I couldn't tell you that," said the boy. "I listened as hard as I could, but they used such big words I couldn't remember much of it. All I could catch was when one doctor said:

"'Well, we'll find that out at the autopsy.'"

YOUNG WOMAN (to be neighbor at dinner)--"Guess whom I met today, doctor?"

DOCTOR--"I'm afraid I'm not a good guesser."

"You're too modest. Aren't you at the top of your profession?"--_Life_.

DOCTOR--"My dear sir, it's a good thing you came to me when you did."

"Why, Doc? Are you broke?"--_Life_.

"It's a little hard for young doctors to get a start."

"I know. I'm raising whiskers."

"They will help. And I'll loan you some of my magazines for 1876 to put in your anteroom."

PATIENT--"I want to see doctor. Be this the place?"

DOCTOR--"This is where I practice."

PATIENT--"Don't want no person for to practice on me; I want a doctor for to cure me."

FRIEND--"To what do you attribute your rapid rise in your profession?"

SURGEON--"It has been my rule all along never to perform an operation unless I was sure it would be a success either way."

A doctor who had a custom of cultivating the lawn and walk in front of his home every spring engaged O'Brien to do the job. He went away for three days and when he returned found O'Brien waiting for his money. The doctor was not satisfied with his work and said: "O'Brien, the walk is covered with gravel and dirt, and in my estimation it's a bad job."

O'Brien looked at him in surprise for a moment and replied: "Shure, Doc, there's many a bad job of yours covered with gravel and dirt."

"You say this doctor has a large practice?"

"It's so large that when a patient has nothing the matter with him he tells him so."

_Why She Objected_

An old woman's son was seriously ill and the attending surgeon advised an operation. But the mother bitterly objected.

"I don't believe in operations!" she exclaimed. "Even the Scriptures is agin it. Don't the Bible say plain and flat: 'What God hath j'ined togither, let not man put asunder'?"

REDD--"The doctor said he'd have me on my feet in a fortnight."

GREENE--"And did he?"

"Sure. I've had to sell my automobile."

SPECIALIST--"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I can cure you for the small sum of $2,000."

PATIENT--"And will my nerve be as good as yours then?"

In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students an eminent physician took up the extremely important matter of correct diagnosis of the maximum fee.

"The best rewards," he said, "come, of course, to the established specialist. For instance, I charge twenty-five dollars a call at the residence, ten dollars for an office consultation, and five dollars for a telephone consultation."

There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice from the back of the theater, slightly thickened, spoke:

"Doc," it asked, "how much do you charge a fellow for passing you on the street?"

An insurance agent was filling out an application blank.

"Have you ever had appendicitis?" he asked.

"Well," answered the applicant, "I was operated on but I have never felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professional curiosity."

"Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confess that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science."

"Well," said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. You see, a mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all the same."

_A Great Difference_

A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining and prescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man whom he "polished off" in almost less than no time. As the patient was leaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor and said:

"I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard my father, Colonel Blank, speak of you."

"What!" exclaimed the physician, "are you old Tom's son?"

"Certainly."

"My dear fellow," cried the doctor, "fling that infernal prescription in the fire and sit down and tell me what is the matter with you."

"Father, what is a convalescent?"

"A patient who is still alive, son."

Young M.D.--"Well, Dad, I'm hanging out my shingle; can't you give me some rules for success?"

"Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very plainly."

MOTHER (after visitor had gone)--"Bobby, what on earth made you stick out your tongue at our pastor? Oh, dear!..."

BOBBY--"Why, muvver, I just showed it to him. He said, 'Littul man, how do you feel?'--and I thort he was a doctor!"

An Irishman coming out of ether in the ward after an operation, exclaimed audibly: "Thank God! That's over!" "Don't be too sure," said the man in the next bed, "they left a sponge in me and had to cut me open again." And the patient on the other side said, "Why they had to open me, too, to find one of their instruments." Just then the surgeon who had operated on the Irishman, stuck his head in the door and yelled, "Has anybody seen my hat!" Pat fainted.

Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours!"

DOCTOR (to patient)--"You've had a pretty close call. It's only your strong constitution that pulled you through."

PATIENT--"Well, doctor, remember that when you make out your bill."

A quack doctor was holding forth about his "medicines" to a rural audience.

"Yes, gentlemen," he said, "I have sold these pills for over twenty-five years and never heard a word of complaint. Now, what does that prove?"

From a voice in the crowd came: "That dead men tell no tales."

_See also_ Bills; Remedies.

DOGS

_My Dog_

He wastes no time in idle talk.
His vows of friendship are unspoken.
As in familiar ways we walk,
Our musings by no word are broken.
Or if, perchance, I voice some phrase
(More light and garrulous am I),
He answers with a speaking gaze,
Half-sister to a song or sigh.

Sweet is the silence of a friend
Whose mood so merges with my own,
And sad would be the journey's end
Were I to pass this way alone.
Perhaps the shadows and the dust
Some faint reply would frame for me
Should I demand if Time were just
To merge all waters with the sea.

Thus pondering, a sigh I heave
That thoughts my naked soul should flay.
Yet dreams of death he bids me leave,
And glory in the living day.
Before me in the path he leaps.
He reads my mood, and bids me, "Come!
Sweet Summer's in the wooded deeps!"
And yet men say that he is dumb.

--_Jack Burroughs_.

Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along and asked him what was the matter.

"Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead--my nice old collie!" sobbed Frederick.

"Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, and you don't catch me crying."

Frederick gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and, looking up at Billy, sobbed, despairingly:

"Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup."

_Dogs and their Friends._
_(The Greeting)_

A thousand velvet eyes aglow with thanks,
A thousand tiny paws in welcome waved,
An orchestra of barks and neighs and purrs
Struck up, and maddest gayety betrayed!
Each satin nose will press its owner's hand,
Such happiness and frolic will abound
When Anti-Cruelty meets all its friends
At last, within their Happy Hunting Ground!

--_Marie Bordeaux_.

Dogs will be dogs.
They also serve who only watch at night and bark.
Tis better to have loved a dog than never to have loved at all.
A little battle now and then is relished by the best of dogs.
Hell hath no fury like an angered bulldog.
For a dog, all roads lead home.
Bark and the whole neighborhood barks with you; hide and
you hide alone.
Dogs should be trained but not hurt.
A buried bone is a joy forever.
Fidelity, thy name is Fido.
--_Edmund J. Kiefer_.

A friend may smile and bid you hail,
Yet wish you with the devil;
But when a good dog wags his tail,
You know he's on the level.

_The Seven Wonders of the World._
(_According to Fido_)

His master.
Meat.
Children.
Rags.
The moon.
Being tickled.
Fleas.

He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was nearer to his heart than anything on earth. When Paddy met swift and hideous death on the turnpike road the boy's mother trembled to break the news. But it had to be, and when he came home from school she told him simply:

"Paddy has been run over and killed."

He took it very quietly. All day it was the same. But five minutes after he had gone to bed there echoed through the house a shrill and sudden lamentation. His mother rushed upstairs with solicitude and pity.

"Nurse says," he sobbed, "that Paddy has been run over and killed."

"But, dear, I told you that at dinner, and you didn't seem to be troubled at all."

"No; but--but I didn't know you said Paddy. I--I thought you said daddy!"

PUP--"Great cats; That's a nerve! Somebody has put up a building right where I buried a bone!"--_Puck_.

_See also_ Dachshunds.

DOMESTIC FINANCE

LITTLE TOMMY--"What does 'close quarters' mean, Ma?"

WEARY MOTHER--"It's a definition of my trying to get twenty-five cents from your father."

"Ma, what does the 'home-stretch' mean?"

"Making a fifteen-dollar-a-week allowance go around, my son."

WIFE--"Ta-ta, dearie; I'll write before the end of the week."

HUSBAND--"Good gracious, Alice, you must make that check last longer than that!"

"Dearie," said the young married man, "I have to go to New York on business. It will only take a day or so and I hope you won't miss me too much while I'm gone, but--"

"I won't," answered his young wife, positively, "because I'm going with you."

"I wish you could, dear, but it won't be convenient this time. What would you want to go for, anyhow? I'm going to be too busy to be with you, and--"

"I have to go. I need clothes."

"But, darling--you can get all the clothes you want right here on Euclid Avenue."

"Thank you. That's all I wanted."

"I'm just waiting for my husband to complain about my extravagance this month."

"Ready to give him an argument, eh?"

"You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the house, and I've got 'em."

"You are not economical," said the infuriated husband.

"Well," flashed his wife, "if you don't call a woman economical who saves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I'd love to know just what you do call economy."

"But your fiance has such a small salary, how are you going to live?"

"Oh, we're going to economize. We're going to do without such a lot of things that Jack needs."

"Are you an expert accountant," asked the prospective employer.

"Yes, sir," said the applicant.

"Your written references seem to be all right, but tell me more about yourself."

"Well, my wife kept a household account for thirty days. One night after supper I sat down and in less than an hour found out how much we owed our grocer."

"Hang up your hat and coat," said the employer with a glad smile. "The job is yours."

HE--"My dear, I've warned you before, and now I must insist that we try to live within our income."

SHE--"Oh, very well, if you want to be considered eccentric by everybody in our set."

"Now," said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from their honeymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding before we settle down to married life. Are you the president or the vice-president of the society?"

"I want to be neither president nor vice-president," she answered. "I will be content with a subordinate position."

"What position is that, my dear?"

"Treasurer."

SHE--"When we go anywhere now we have to take the street-car. Before our marriage you always called a taxi."

HE--"Exactly. And that's the reason we have to go in the street-car now."

"My wife certainly makes my salary go a long way."

"So does mine--so far that none of it ever comes back."

"I'm having trouble in supporting my wife."

"You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting her."

WILLIS--"The Highfliers are going to give up their big house this winter."

MRS. WILLIS--"You must be mistaken. I was talking with Mrs. Highflier only yesterday."

WILLIS--"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only this morning."--_Puck_.

In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was to contribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work. The night of the collection of the dollars came, and various and droll were the stories of earning the money. One woman had shampooed hair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspaper subscriptions, and so on.

The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row.

"Now, madam, it is your turn," he said. "How did you earn your dollar?"

"I got it from my husband," she answered.

"Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work about that."

The woman smiled faintly.

"You don't know my husband," she said.

"Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses every week," said she.

"Roses are easy," replied he. "This week I'm going to send around two tons of coal and a rib-roast."

LANDLADY--"That new boarder is either a married man or a widower."

PRETTY DAUGHTER--"Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor."

LANDLADY--"Well, I don't believe it. When he opens his pocketbook to pay his board he always turns his back to me."

"Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends for cigars."

"How does it work?"

"First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and I buy him the cigars."

DOMESTIC RELATIONS

HUSBAND (newly married)--"Don't you think, love, if I were to smoke, it would spoil the curtains?"

WIFE--"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in the world; certainly it would."

HUSBAND--"Well, then, take the curtains down."

Willie's grandmother had come to visit them.

"Are you mamma's mother?" asked Willie by way of conversation.

"No, dear. I'm your grandmother on your father's side."

"Well," said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow), "all I got to say is you're on the wrong side."

SHE--"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and people are married."

HE--"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husband and people are divorced."

Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid.

"Any damage done your way?" the first asked.

"Damage! Rather!" answered the other. "Father and mother were blown clean out of the window. The neighbors say it's the first time they've been seen to leave the house together in seventeen years."

_See also_ Families; Marriage.

DREAMS

"Mother, wasn't that a funny dream I had last night?" said a little boy who was busily engaged with his breakfast cereal.

"Why, I'm sure I don't know!" replied his mother. "I haven't the slightest idea what your dream was about."

"Why, mother, of course you know!" said the boy reproachfully. "You were in it."

DRINKING

If all be true that I do think,
There are five reasons we should drink;
Good wine--a friend--or being dry--
Or lest we should be by and by--
Or any other reason why.

--_Dr. Henry Aldrich_.

Maybe one swallow doesn't make a summer, but it would brighten it up considerably.

_Dangerous Advice_

CURATE--"You should be careful! Don't you know that drink is mankind's worst enemy?"

JEEMS--"Yes; but don't you teach us to love our enemies?"

"Pussyfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize Scotland failed recently, was discussing his failure with a New York editor.

"Yes, I failed," he ended, "and I'm very sorry. Conditions in Scotland are very bad."

"Did you ever hear the story of the deacon's daughter? This story illustrates Scottish conditions very well.

"The wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one evening, and as it was rainy, chill November weather, she swallowed a teaspoonful or two of whisky after her bath to keep herself from catching cold. Then in her dressing-gown she went to bid her little daughter good night. She stooped over the child's cot and a kiss was exchanged. After the kiss the little girl drew back sharply, sniffed and said:

"'Why, mamma, you've been using father's perfume, haven't you?'"--_Detroit Free Press_.

"Now, Sam," said the speaker, "I want you to be present when I deliver this speech."

"Yassuh."

"I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I take a drink of water, you applaud; and every time I wipe my forehead with my handkerchief, you laugh."

"You better switch dem signals, boss. It's a heap mo' liable to make me laugh to see you standin' up dar deliberately takin' a drink o' water."

A Washington business man, says the Saturday Evening Post, desiring to test the relative efficiency of two makes of mucilage, handed the bottles one morning to his shiny-faced negro messenger.

"Here, John," he said; "try these and see which is the stickiest."

John did not show up at the office again until about noon-time. He approached his employer's desk somewhat cautiously and gingerly deposited thereon the two bottles of mucilage.

"Well, John," asked the boss, "which did you find the stickiest?"

"It wuz lak dis, boss," was the reply: "Dis one gummed up ma mouf de most; but de other one, de taste lasted de longest."

UNABLE SEAMAN--"When I come around again the surgeon, he says to me, 'I'm blooming sorry, mate, I don't know what I was thinking about,' he says, 'but there's a sponge missin', and I believe it's sewed up inside yer!' 'What's the odds,' I says, 'let it be.' An there it is to this day."

GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN--"Bless my soul! Don't it trouble you?"

UNABLE SEAMAN--"I don't feel no particular pain from it, but I do get most uncommonly thirsty at times, sir."

_See also_ Drunkards; Temperance.

DRUNKARDS

The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate, Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door.

"Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you," said Mr. Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see two hansoms. Take the one to the right: the one to the left doesn't exist."

An intoxicated man hailed a cab.

After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, "What street do you want?"

"What streets have you?" he inquired.

"Lots of 'em," smiled the cabby, humoring him.

"Gimme 'em all," he said, waving his arm grandly.

After they had been driving for several hours, the man in the cab ordered a stop.

"How mush do I owe you?"

"Seven dollars and fifty cents."

"Well--you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi' shents, 'cause thashall I got."

WIFEY--"I heard a noise when you came in last night."

HUBBY--"Perhaps it was the night falling."

WIFEY (coldly)--"No, it wasn't, it was the day breaking."

DUTCH

BIX--"I see there's a report from Holland that concrete bases for German cannon have been found there."

DIX--"Don't believe a word you hear from Holland. The geography says it is a low, lying country."

DYSPEPSIA

_Joy of Eating_

A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating mush and milk.

"What's the matter?" inquired a friend.

"Got dyspepsia."

"Don't you enjoy your meals?"

"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals are merely guide-posts to take medicine before or after."

"Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone," said Akinside, "but--"

"No," returned old Festus Pester. "It makes them so talkative that everybody else wants to kill them."

EATING

_If We Didn't Have To Eat_

Life would be an easy matter
If we didn't have to eat.
If we never had to utter,
"Won't you pass the bread and butter,
Likewise push along that platter
Full of meat?"
Yes, if food were obsolete
Life would be a jolly treat,
If we didn't--shine or shower,
Old or young, 'bout every hour--
Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat--
'Twould be jolly if we didn't have to eat.
We could save a lot of money
If we didn't have to eat.
Could we cease our busy buying,
Baking, broiling, brewing, frying,
Life would then be oh, so sunny
And complete;
And we wouldn't fear to greet
Every grocer in the street
If we didn't--man and woman,
Every hungry, helpless human--
Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat--
We'd save money if we didn't have to eat.

All our worry would be over
If we didn't have to eat.
Would the butcher, baker, grocer
Get our hard-earned dollars? No, Sir!
We would then be right in clover
Cool and sweet.
Want and hunger we could cheat,
And we'd get there with both feet,
If we didn't--poor or wealthy,
Halt or nimble, sick or healthy--
Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat--
We could get there if we didn't have to eat.

--_Nixon Waterman_.

ECONOMY

TOM--"I've seen the girl I want to marry. I stood behind her at the ticket window this morning and she took seven minutes to buy a five-cent elevated ticket."

ALICE--"Did that make you want to marry her?"

TOM--"Yes, I figured out that she could never spend my income at that rate."

BOOK AGENT--"This book will teach you the way to economize."

THE VICTIM--"That's no good to me. What I need is a book to teach me how to live without economizing."