Chapter XVI: Part 16

He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large. He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the greengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near the tempting basket. Now he edged away again. And at last the greengrocer thought it time to intervene.

"Now then, Tommy," he exclaimed, "what are you doing?"

"Nothin'," replied the small boy.

"Nothin', eh?" said the greengrocer. "Well, it looks to me as though you are trying to steal those apples."

"You're wrong!" retorted the nipper, "I'm trying not to."

A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house entered the apartment of the lady of the house with his apprentice and began to work.

"Mary," the lady said to her maid, "see that my jewel-case is locked up at once!"

The carpenter understood. He removed his watch and chain from his vest in a significant manner and handed them to his apprentice.

"John," said he, "take these right back to the shop. It seems that this house isn't safe."--_Harper's_.

In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, a clever and notorious swindler was being divested of the contents of his pockets. As each article was removed, it was carefully examined, listed and then placed temporarily on a nearby desk. Among the articles was a badly tarnished silver dollar, barely distinguishable as money.

At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to the dull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden:

"Would you mind letting me keep that with me?"

"Why?" asked the warden.

"Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose," the prisoner explained. "You know, it's the first dollar I ever stole."

_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers.

THRIFT

Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in Brooklyn. Often he was not able to get home in time for dinner at night. He told his wife that he would phone her every day as to whether he could leave the office or not.

Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the following was her solution of the problem: "Sam, if you find that you can't be home for dinner, phone me at exactly six o'clock. If the telephone rings at that hour, I'll know it is you and that you are not coming for dinner. I won't answer it, and you'll get your nickel back."

Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art.

Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.

"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.

"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.

"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.

"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

BUTTONS--"Get up! Get up! The hotel's afire!"

SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN--"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I'll no pay for the bed."

SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)--"And your father is working now and getting two pounds a week? That's splendid! And how much does he put away every Saturday night, my dear?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!"

HE--"I am a poor man, you know."

SHE--"When we are married I can learn to cook, dear."

HE--"Hadn't you better practise while your father is supplying the raw materials?"

See also Economy; Scotch, The.

TIDES

The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago, dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, but during the night the tide shifted it about to the portside.

This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finally confided his problem to a C.P.O.

"Well, you see, it's like this," the oldtimer informed him, "New York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument the Government lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to the Brooklyn side the next."

TIME

_Time's Prisoner_

I am content with Now, whate'er befall,
Whether I will or no, Today is all;
No matter whether swift or slow my tread
I find tomorrow still a day ahead;
I cannot overtake eternity--
It turns to time and slips away from me,
And in like wise I go upon my way
Only a day ahead of yesterday!

--_Harry Kemp_.

One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there approached him an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a yawn: "Time ain't very valuable to you, brother, that's plain. Here I been a-watchin' you three hours and you ain't had a bite."

"Well," drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable, anyhow, to waste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that ain't gettin' a bite."

Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost impossible to get it into the house. The old man was extremely proud of it, and found it very good company. He would lie awake nights to hear it tick. One night the clock got out of order, and began to strike.

The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two. He promptly sat up in bed, and calling to his wife said, "Cynthy, get up, get up. It's later than I've ever knowed it to be."

PROF (in geology)--"The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years."

SOPH--"Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten dollars yesterday!"

"Paw, what's the longest period of time?"

"From one pay-day to the next."

CALLER--"Is your mother at home, Elsie?"

CHILD OF BUSY WAR WORKER--"Goodness, no! She won't be at home today until about Saturday. Why, she hasn't got home yesterday yet."--_Life_.

FIRST LOAFER--"I 'ear all the men 'ave gone on strike."

SECOND LOAFER--"Wat 'ave they struck for?"

FIRST LOAFER--"Shorter hours."

SECOND LOAFER--"I always said as 'ow sixty minutes was too long for an hour."

"Time is precious," said the parson.

"It is, indeed," rejoined the business man, "and I've wasted an awful lot of it."

"By indulging in foolish pleasures, I suppose?" suggested the good man.

"Not exactly," replied the other. "I wasted most of it by being punctual in keeping my appointments with others."

_See also_ Daylight saving.

TIPS

The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. In thanking him she said:

"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden."

"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am," replied Jack, "so were the apples in the Garden of Eden."

Tipping is said to be due to public weakness and it is also due to the desire to have luncheon served in time for dinner.

LUNCHER--"Look here, waiter, I'm very sorry, but I've only just sufficient money with me to pay the bill, and nothing left for a tip for you."

WAITER (confidently)--"Would you mind just letting me 'ave another look at the bill, sir?"

He was dining alone and had much time to puzzle over an unusual phenomenon he had noted.

"Why is it, Sam," he said, addressing the waiter, "that poor men usually give larger tips than rich men?"

"Well, suh," rejoined the woolly-headed knight of the napkins meditatively, "looks to me like de po' man don't want nobody to find out he's po' an' de rich man don't want nobody to find out he's rich."

"What's the difference between valor and discretion?"

"Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be valor."

"I see. And discretion?"

"That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day."

TOURISTS _See_ Travelers.

TRADE

When they beat their swords into plowshares, the next move is to beat their competitors into foreign markets.

TRADE MARKS

Most of the wrinkles in a business man's face are trademarks.

TRADE UNIONS

TEACHER--"If a man gets four dollars for working eight hours a day, what would he get if he worked ten hours a day?"

JOHNNY--"Ten hours a day? He'd get a call-down from de union."

"What are you doin' of, James?"

"Sharpenin' a bit o' pencil."

"You'll 'ave the Union after you, me lad. That's a carpenter's job,"

TRAMPS

TRAMP--"Madam, I was at the front--"

KIND-HEARTED LADY--"My poor man. Another victim of that terrible war. Here's a dollar. Tell me how you got into these straits."

TRAMP-"I was going to say that I was at the front door an' nobody answered, so I came around to the back. Thankee, mum."

MRS. SUBBUBS (to tramp)--"Out of work, are you? Then you're just in time. I've a cord of wood to be cut up and I was just going to send for a man to do it."

TRAMP--"That so, mum? Where does he live? I'll go and get him."

BOXCAR HARRY--"Beg pardon, ma'am, but do you happen to have some pie or cake that you could spare an unfortunate wanderer?"

LADY OF THE HOUSE--"No, I'm afraid not. Wouldn't some bread and butter do?"

BOXCAR HARRY--"As a general rule it would, ma'am; but, you see, this is my birthday."

TRAVELERS

A party of tourists were going through a small town, having the time of their lives, laughing and joking. One of them thought she would have some fun, and called to a little girl standing near, "Are there any shows in town?" To which the little girl answered, "Only the one you people are making."

The value of travel oftentimes depends upon who travels.

Mrs. Williams, who had recently returned from abroad, was attending an afternoon tea given in her honor.

"And did you actually go to Rome?" asked the hostess.

"I really don't know, my dear," replied Mrs. Williams. "You see, my husband always bought the tickets."

_See also_ Americans; Destination.

TREES

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's most flowing breast.

A tree that looks at God all day
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

--_Joyce Kilmer_.

TRENCHES

CHEERFUL ONE (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches are like)--"If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer gets shelled; and if yer stands still yer gets court-martialed for frost-bite."--_Punch_.

TROUBLE

The cheery caller tried to persuade old Aunt Martha not to dwell upon her troubles, telling her she would feel happier if she ignored them. "Well, honey," said the old lady, "I dunno 'bout dat. I allus 'lowed when de Lord send me tribulation he done spec' me to tribulate."

TRUTH

Many truths expressed are never claimed at their destination.

Truth is elastic. Don't stretch it unless you want it to fly back and sting you.

FIRST STUDENT (wearily)--"I suppose I'll be up all night tonight; I have to make out my expense account."

SECOND (more hopefully)--"Why don't you tell the truth and get a good night's rest?"

The two village trouble-makers had gotten into a row and the matter was up in court. Uncle Wash, an old gentleman of color, was a witness.

"Now, uncle," said the lawyer, "tell me just what conversation occurred."

"I kain't jes' remember it all," replied the candid Wash, "excep' dat each one was callin' de other what dey is."

"Truth crushed to earth will rise again" said the hopeful person.

"Yes," replied the cynic; "but it's liable to have to go with a crutch for some time after."

UMBRELLAS

"It says here that a Missouri man boasts that he has an umbrella that has been in his possession for twenty years," said Smith.

"Well," replied Jones, "that's long enough. He ought to return it."

FIRST ARTIST--"The umbrella you lent me? I have lent it to a friend."

SECOND ARTIST--"That is very awkward. The man who lent it to my friend tells him that the owner wants it."

"Little girl, why aren't you provided with an umbrella?" "Because father hasn't been to church this year."--_Puck_.

"Young man," said the fond father, "in giving you my daughter, I have entrusted you with the dearest treasure of my life."

The young man was duly impressed and made no endeavor to conceal his emotion and his gratitude. Then, during the few moments of impressive silence that followed, he heard the patter, patter of rain against the window.

"Goodness me!" he exclaimed, "it's raining and I haven't my umbrella! May I borrow yours, sir, to keep me dry while I run to the station?"

"Young man," said the fond parent, "I do not trust anyone with my umbrella!"

UNEXPECTED

"It is the unexpected that always happens," observed the Sage.

"Well," commented the Fool, "if this is true, why don't we learn to expect it?"

UNITED STATES

After the janitor had tacked a new map on the wall, Umson said to Amley:

"By golly, the United States is getting to be a great place, ain't it?"

"Yes," said Amley, "if it gets to be much bigger I'll have to move my desk."

VACATIONS

Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed by an off day.

A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation something you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't stick at very long without being dead broke and dead tired.

JUDGE--"Six months!"

COS COB CON--"Ah, wot a relief! Now I kin stop worrying about where I'm going ter spend de summer."

VALUE

There, little dollar, don't you cry;
You _may_ buy something by and by.

A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. A stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What will you take for your cow?"

The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: "Look a-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by the railroad?"

CALLER--"It's a good thing to teach your boy the value of money, as you are doing."

HOST--"Well, I don't know. He used to behave for ten cents, but now he demands a quarter."

FOOTPAD--"Your money or your life!"

MRS. TIGHTLY--"That's reasonable enough, Jake! You've got only 50 cents."

VANITY

Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent girl, but she had one fault--she was inclined to be vain. At every available opportunity she gazed at herself complacently in the looking-glass. Her fond papa noticed that the habit was growing upon her and took upon himself the duty of correcting it.

"Why do you always look in the glass?" he asked.

"I was just thinking how nice I looked," answered Beryl.

"You mustn't be so vain, child. Remember we are all as nature made us."

"Did nature make you, papa?"

"Yes."

"Then," said Beryl, looking at him and then at her reflection in the mirror, "don't you think nature is turning out better work than she used to?"

VEGETARIANS

"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?"

"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, but our dog isn't.'"

Ordering a copy of Tennyson's poems, a customer wrote to an English bookseller, "Please do not send me one bound in calf, as I am a vegetarian."

Mother gave the children an apple each. In little Marion's there was a worm hole that obviously had a tenant. "You take this one, Tommy," she said; "I'se a vegetarian."

VENTILATION

American people have a very high appreciation of the humor of Englishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story Colonel Cody used to tell. He said that some years ago an Englishman who had never been in the West before was his guest. They were riding through a Rocky-Mountain canon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of wind came swooping down upon them and actually carried the Englishman clean off the wagon-seat. After he had been picked up, he combed the sand and gravel out of his whiskers and said:

"I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!"

The street-car conductor examined the transfer thoughtfully and said meekly, "This here transfer expired an hour ago, lady." The lady, digging into her purse after a coin, replied, "No wonder, with not a single ventilator open in the whole car!"

VOICE

Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts.--_Talleyrand_.

VOTING

PAT--"Sure, I voted th' Raypublican ticket!"

MIKE--"Would ye trust such a party as thot?"

PAT--"They didn't ask me to--they paid me cash."

In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries. In a recent election the local option question was up. After the election the clerks were counting the votes. One was calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first clerk, running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Suddenly he stopped. "Mein Gott!" he cried. "Dry!" Then he went on: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "Himmel!" he said. "The son-of-a-gun repeated."

DORA-"How did you vote?"

FLORA-"In my brown suit and squirrel toque."

"I do hope that when I am able to vote," said the pretty young wife, "I will be as influential in politics as my husband."

"How is that?" asked her friend.

"Why, he has voted in two Presidential elections, and both times his choice was elected."

WAGES

The hours you spend with me, dear "Mon,"
Are very few, it seems to me;
I count you over, every dime apart,
MY SALARY. My salary!

Ten cents a dime, ten dimes a "plunk."
To earn them is an awful grind;
I count each dime unto the end, and there--
A "dun" I find.

Oh toil, that is so poorly paid!
Oh salary, spent before we greet!
I kiss each dime, and try to find a way
To make ends meet--
Ye gods! To make ends meet!

--_Anne Alfreda Mellish_.

Sign on butcher shop reads, "Tongue 48 cents, Brains 33 cents." Some one remarks that this proportion of payment is quite often the case.

A downtown merchant, while engaged in the office the other morning, discovered that he had left his pocket knife at home and, as he needed one urgently, he asked the different clerks, but none of them happened to have one. Finally the errand boy hustled in and the merchant called him, asking if he was able to produce the desired article. Jimmy handed over his "pigsticker."

"How is it, Jimmy, that you alone out of my entire staff seem to have a pocketknife with you?" smiled the proprietor, eyeing Jimmy with undisguised admiration.

"Dunno, sir," replied the youth, "unless it's because my wages are so low that I can't afford more'n one pair of pants."

FIRST LABORING MAN--"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

SECOND DITTO--"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."_--Punch_.

The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the wayfarer paused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The workman looked up.

"Money,"' he replied.

"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good man?"

"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed operations.

WAR

Some nations were fighting fiercely.

"Why are you fighting so?" inquired the bystanders, moved at length to curiosity.

"To save civilization!" replied the nations severally.

Here a draggled figure rose from the mire under the feet of the combatants and limped lamely away.

"And who are you?" asked the bystanders, with a disposition to get to the bottom of the matter.

"Don't speak to me--I'm civilization!" the figure made answer, somewhat pettishly.

"What if we loses this blinkin' war after all, Bill?"

"Well, all I can say is--them what finds it is quite welcome to keep it."

If we must have wars, let's adopt the pay-as-you-enter plan.

The war left the world so flat that Voliva may be excused for denying that it is round.

VISITOR--"It's a terrible war, this, young man--a terrible war."

MIKE (badly wounded)--"'Tis that, sor--a tirrible warr. But 'tis better than no warr at all."_--Punch_.

_See also_ European War.

WEALTH

BENNETT--"My, Storer must be rich."

JONES--"How so?"

BENNETT--"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in the water."

WEATHER

A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning one winter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: "How's the weather today out there?"

"The sun is shining," the Salina man wired.

An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret message. Did you say sun was or was not shining?"

And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: "Snowing to beat the band now."

And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there now?"

To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted all the snow away again."

_Indian Summer_

November days are here again
With chilly eve and morn--
Dame Nature's voice in warning raised
That Winter's blasts are born.

But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads
And Earth to sleep beguiles,
Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face,
Looks back at us and smiles.

One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman," who was pushing a barrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his dusky brow; then, shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized it thus:

"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?"

"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?"

"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'."

What is it moulds the life of man?
The Weather!
What makes some black and others tan?
The Weather!
What makes the Zulu live in trees,
And Congo natives dress in leaves,
While others go in fur and freeze?
The Weather!

What makes the summer warm and fair?
The Weather!
What causes winter underwear?
The Weather!
What makes us rush and build a fire,
And shiver near the glowing pyre--
And then on other days perspire?
The Weather!

What makes the Cost of Living high?
The Weather!
What makes the Libyan Desert dry?
The Weather!
What is it men in ev'ry clime,
Will talk about till end of time?
What drove our honest pen to rhyme?
The Weather!

Kansas--When the sun sets in the West at night the wind will blow for three days.

I remember, I remember,
Ere my childhood flitted by,
It was cold then in December,
And was warmer in July.
In the winter there were freezings--
In the summer there were thaws;
But the weather isn't now at all
Like what it used to was!

WEDDINGS

Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock between stations.

"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking individual of the conductor.

"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the track is clear!"

"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groaned the passenger.

The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled the cord?"

Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a vacation.

"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. "You don't need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke."

"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kinda like to be there."

WELSH

Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of possessing a new twist at the end.

A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number of coins somehow--shillings, sixpences and coppers--and made up his contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's fiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with the remark, "That's easier."

A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he was surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.

The undertaker was a Welshman.

WESTMINSTER ABBEY

It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly different impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had been staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she had been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat down, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries."

WHISKY

A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a glass of whisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed:

"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?"

"The whisky, of course," the publican replied.

"Ah, well," said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it by and by."

_See also_ Drinking.

WIDOWS

"If you want to be really popular with men," says Mr. Arthur Pendenys, "become a widow." This of course, may be all right, but few husbands can really learn to love a wife who makes a practise of this sort of thing.--_Punch_.

Dinah's husband had just been killed on the Railroad while discharging his duties as a brakeman. An agent of the road promptly settled her claim by the payment of a thousand dollars. Her friends consoled her with the thought that with so much money she would be the most sought after woman in Darktown. She stoutly maintained that she would not marry again and that she "had no plans" but finally said between her sobs "But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroad man."

WINDOWS

Without windows there would be no fresh-air fiends. A single window may make or mar a whole household. Used occasionally by burglars, small boys and lovers, the singular power of the window to control our destiny has not hitherto been recognized. Without windows there would be no ghost stories, for how could the rain beat on the pane, or the wind come in short gusts through the cracks? Neither would there be melodrama, for how could the heroine crouch on the floor if there were no sudden flashes of lighting or falling snow to gaze at through the window? What poems have been written by just looking through a window; and as for literature in general, who does not remember the window in Thrums? The first thing we look at upon entering a room is the windows. At night the window is the last thing we adjust, and in the morning the first we gaze out of. The first window was the beginning of civilization. Consider the window of a cell, how symbolic it is of a dwarfed and misdirected life. The composite health of any community can almost be predicated upon the number of its windows that are kept open at night.

Then there are the windows of the soul, without which no best seller would be worth the price of admission.

WISDOM

"Father, have you cut all four of your wisdom teeth?"

"Yes, son. I have purchased a used car, accepted a nomination, been chairman of a local reception committee, and married your mother."

True wisdom laboring to expound,
Heareth others readily;
Fake wisdom, sturdy to deny, closeth
Up her mind to argument.

--_Tupper_.

WISHES

MABEL--"Oh, but I wish I had a nice big car, with blue plush upholstering and all the modern appliances."

ALICE--"You'd take me out with you, if you had, wouldn't you?"

"No."

"Well, why not?"

"Why, you're perfectly capable of doing your own wishing, aren't you?"

HE--"But, Alice, you don't want that!"

SHE--"How will I know until I get it?"

WITNESSES

The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, and lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was cross-examining the defendant.

"Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length.

For some time Paddy stood thinking, then, "About four miles as the cry flows," came the answer.

"You mean 'as the flow cries!'" corrected the man of law.

The judge leaned forward. "No," he remarked suavely, "he means 'as the fly crows.'"

And they all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrong somewhere.

A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer. "You'll affirm that when this happened you were going home to a meal. Let us be quite certain on this point, because it is a very important one. Be good enough to tell me, sir, with as little prevarication as possible, what meal it was you were going home to."

"You would like to know what meal it was?" said the Scotsman.

"Yes, sir; I should like to know," replied the counsel, sternly and impressively. "Be sure you tell the truth."

"Well, then, it was just oatmeal."

A boy of eight entered the witness-box in tremendous boots, long trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were at the ankles, and a swallow-tail coat that swept the floor.

"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the judge, both amazed and amused.

The boy took from his pocket the summons and pointed solemnly to the words: "To appear in his father's suit."

The prosecuting attorney had encountered a somewhat difficult witness. Finally he asked the man if he was acquainted with any of the men on the jury.

"Yes, sir," announced the witness, "more than half of them."

"Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?" demanded the lawyer.

"Why, if it comes to that, I'm willing to swear that I know more than all of them put together."

"Do you understand what you are to swear to?" asked the court as a not over-intelligent looking negro took the witness stand.

"Yes, sah, Ah does. Ah'm to sweah to tell de truf."

"Yes," said the Judge; "and what will happen if you do not tell the truth?"

"Well, sah," was the hesitating answer, "Ah expects ouah side'll win de case, sah."

PRISON VISITOR--"What terrible crime has this man committed?"

JAILER--"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be passing when Tough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a witness."

"Where is Tough Jim?"

"He is out on bail."

WIVES

"Are you the captain of your soul?"

"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously.

"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake.
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."
"Why, so it is, father,--whose wife shall I take?"

--_Thomas Moore_.

The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to mend his clothes.

"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she hasn't touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a patriarch.

"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been married very long and I think I can give you some serviceable suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife and flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?'

"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions are aroused at once.

"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out,' I say, with a few more flourishes.

"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it to me at once.'

"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it.

"'Why, it only needs--'; and then she mends it."

"Why are you so pensive?" he asked.

"I'm not pensive," she replied.

"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes."

"Well, I didn't have anything to say."

"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?"

"No."

"Will you be my wife?"

"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?"

"If he takes my advice he'll marry her."--_Life_.

MRS. KNAGG--"Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?"

HUSBAND--"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for a rest."

"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed," said the doctor. "I much regret to tell you that your wife's mind is gone--completely gone."

"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has been giving me a piece of it every day for the last fifteen years."

A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, "All of you who are afraid of your wives stand up." All stood up except one man. Afterwards the sheik went to this man and said, "Evidently you are not afraid of your wife." The man responded: "She gave me such a beating this morning that I was too lame to stand up."

A well-to-do Scottish woman one day said to her gardener:

"Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, and all you want to complete it is a wife. You know the first gardener that ever lived had a wife."

"Quite right, missus, quite right," said Thomas, "but he didna keep his job long after he gat the wife."

CREWE--"Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about my wife. She's gone out without an umbrella."

DREW--"Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop."

CREWE--"Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious."

Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office one morning.

"Oh, Dick," she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped my diamond ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere."

"It's all right, Bess," replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across it in my trousers pocket."

_And Then Some_

MAN expects his wife to be:
Perpetuator of the Race.
Domestic Science Expert.
Trained Kindergartner.
Social Diplomat.
Purchasing Agent.
Superintendent of Operating.
Accountant.
Social Secretary.
General Counsel.
Manager Lost and Found Department.
Advertising Agent.
Intelligence Bureau.
Family Statistician.
Mistress of the Exchequer.
Playground Supervisor.
Judge of Juvenile Court.
Valet.
Nurse.
Employer of Labor.
Artist in the Art of Living.
WOMAN is seeking an even larger sphere.

MRS. A.--"Does your husband consider you a necessity or a luxury?"

MRS. B.--"It depends, my dear, on whether I am cooking his dinner or asking for a new dress."

There are certain family privileges which we all guard jealously:

An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing action against her husband for a divorce. She related a harrowing tale of the ill-treatment she had received at his hands. So impressive was her recital that the lawyer, for a moment, was startled out of his usual professional composure. "From what you say this man must be a brute of the worst type," he exclaimed.

The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, announced: "Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to get advice as to a divorce, not to hear my husband abused!"

_See also_ Domestic finance; Marriage; Woman

WOMAN

The reason we never hear of a self-made woman is because she changes the plans so frequently that the job is never finished.

_If They Meant All They Said_

Charm is a woman's strongest arm;
My charwoman is full of charm;
I chose her, not for strength of arm
But for her strange, elusive charm.

And how tears heighten woman's powers!
My typist weeps for hours and hours:
I took her for her weeping powers--
They so delight my business hours.

A woman lives by intuition.
Though my accountant shuns addition
She has the rarest intuition.
(And I myself can do addition.)

Timidity in girls is nice.
My cook is so afraid of mice.
Now you'll admit it's very nice
To feel your cook's afraid of mice.

--_A.D. Miller_.

"De little girl," said Uncle Eben, "dat's allus takin' her dolly and dishes an' sayin' she won't play, grows up to be de lady dat says unless she's de chairman dar ain' g'ineter be no meetin'."

"Brown acknowledges that he knows nothing about women."

"What an immense experience with them he must have had."

"Does your wife neglect her home in making speeches?"

"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Meekton. "She always lets me hear the speeches first."

A lady was sitting in the garden with the family stocking basket beside her, and was examining the holes in her little boy's socks, when the old gardener came by with his wheelbarrow. "What beats me," he remarked, "is you ladies. Always lookin' for what you don't want to find!"

"Hello! Is this a party wire?"

"My dear sir, it's worse. It's a woman's party wire."

A red-haired, freckle-faced boy of fourteen, weighed down with the responsibility of his first essay, walked into a city library the other day. He approached the reference librarian rather timidly, standing on one foot, then on the other, and finally said:

"Say, boss, I've gotta write an essay on 'Woman.' Where'll I begin?"

"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of astonishment he replied:

"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?"

A party of Americans were dining in Paris with Premier Clemenceau, when one of the Americans was heard to say: "I'll bet she will--"

"I wouldn't do that," interposed Clemenceau--"bet on anything that she will do. You can never tell what a woman will do."

"Ah," said the American, "but you interrupted me too soon, monsieur. I was going to say that I would bet that she would do the unexpected."

"Ah, but don't do that, either," cautioned Clemenceau. "Even that is not a safe bet."

The most consoling thing about going to the cinemas is seeing so many women in the pictures opening their mouths and not saying a word you can hear.

When lovely woman wants a favor,
And finds, too late, that man won't bend,
What earthly circumstance can save her
From disappointment in the end?

The only way to bring him over,
The last experiment to try,
Whether a husband or a lover,
If he have feeling is--to cry.

--_Poebe Cary_.

During the flu epidemic in San Francisco, when all public meeting-places were closed, and the entire population was compelled to wear masks to prevent the spread of the disease, a drunken man was overheard muttering:

"Well, I'm an old man, but I have lived my time and am ready to quit. I have lived to see four great things come to pass--the end of the war, the churches closed, saloons left open, and the women muzzled."--_Judge_.

A crabbed old misogynist said to Ethel Barrymore at a dinner in Bar Harbor:

"Woman! Feminism! Suffrage! Bah! Why, there isn't a woman alive who wouldn't rather be beautiful than intelligent."

"That's because," said Miss Barrymore calmly, "so many men are stupid while so few are blind."

HE--"When I proposed to Flossie she asked me for a little time to make up her mind."

SHE (the hated rival)--"Oh! So she makes that up too, does she?"

Woman is certainly coming into her own. Even in tender romance she is exerting an influence.

The young man had just been accepted. In his rapture he exclaimed, "But do you think, my love, I am good enough for you?"

His strong-minded fiancee looked sternly at him for a moment and replied, "Good enough for me? You've got to be!"--_Judge_.

ONE--"Yes, in a battle of tongues a woman can always hold her own."

THE OTHER--"Perhaps she can. But why doesn't she?"

Young Arthur was wrestling with a lesson in grammar. "Father," said he, thoughtfully, "what part of speech is woman?"

"Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; she is all of it," returned father.

During the recess period several teachers became engaged in a heated argument over that old theme, "Man _versus_ Woman."

"Well, anyway," concluded the dyspeptic male teacher of Latin, "women are more finicky than men."

"Recite an instance, please," put in the dainty little teacher of domestic science.

"If a woman loses a stitch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn trying to find it."

"That's nothing, compared with what a man will do," she came back quickly. "If a man loses a quarter in a card game, he'll spend $10 trying to win it back."

_Woman_--A Mistress of Arts, who robs a bachelor of his degree, and forces him to study philosophy by means of curtain lectures.

_See also_ Age; Clothing; Epitaphs; Fashion; Talkers; Wives; Woman suffrage; Worry.

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

"It seems so silly to me," she said scornfully, as she threw down the newspaper after a casual glance at the headlines.

"What seems silly?"

"All this talk about candidates for the presidency. There can't but one be elected, can there?"

"Of course not."

"Well, why should a dozen or so be trying for it? Why doesn't just the man who is going to be elected be a candidate, and all the rest go on about their business, as all this talk and running around isn't going to do them any good after all?"

"That young politician is paying you marked attention, girlie."

"Um, yes. Another problem added to our girlish troubles."

"Eh, what?"

"Is he after me or my vote?"

WARD HEELER--"Are women trying to reform politics?"

DISTRICT LEADER--"Reform nothing! They've started in to grab the jobs."

FIRST LADY--"Did you vote with all those vile people?"

SECOND LADY--"I certainly did. I was curious to know how it felt."

"Wimmin voters this year."

"Yes, and these short skirts make a lot of wimmen look like little girls."

"That's right. You gotta be careful who you try to pat on the head."

"Well, Maria," said Jiggles after the Town Election, "for whom did you vote this morning?"

"I crossed off the names of all the candidates," returned Mrs. Jiggles, "and wrote out my principles on the back of my ballot. This is no time to consider individuals and their little personal ambitions."

There are compensations in all things. When women get the suffrage they won't want to be moving all the time, for fear of losing their votes.--_Puck_.

"What are your reasons for wanting a divorce, madam?" inquired the judge.

"Failure to support."

"But you live in apparent luxury."

"He failed to support me for a nomination that I wanted."

"Another of our masculine pleasures is about to become a thing of the past, thanks to woman suffrage."

"What do you have reference to?"

"Taking the straw vote. Who would venture to predict a woman's ballot twenty-four hours before election?"

WOMAN'S RIGHTS

_Why We Oppose Pockets For Women_

1. Because pockets are not a natural right.

2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. If they did, they would have them.

3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not used them.

4. Because women are expected to carry enough things as it is without the additional burden of pockets.

5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife as to whose pockets were to be filled.

6. Because it would destroy man's chivalry toward woman if he did not have to carry all her things in his pockets.

7. Because men are men and women are women. We must not fly in the face of nature.

8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes, whisky flasks, chewing-gum, and compromising letters, we see no reason to suppose that women would use them more wisely.

WORK

Oh, would that working I might shun,
From labour my connection sever,
That I might do a bit or none
Whatever!

That I might wander over hills,
Establish friendship with a daisy,
O'er pretty things like daffodils
Go crazy!

That I might at the heavens gaze,
Concern myself with nothing weighty,
Loaf, at a stretch, for seven days--
Or eighty.

Why can't I cease a slave to be,
And taste existence beatific
On some fair island hid in the
Pacific?

Instead of sitting at a desk
'Mid undone labours, grimly lurking--
Oh, say, what is there picturesque
In working?

But no!--to loaf were misery!--
I love to work! Hang isles of coral!
(To end this otherwise would be Immoral!)

--_Thomas R. Ybarra_.

Labor is man's great function, He is nothing, he can do nothing, he can achieve nothing, fulfill nothing without working.--_Dewey_.

If you are poor--work. If you are rich--continue to work. If you are burdened with seemingly unfair responsibilities--work. If you are happy--keep right on working. Idleness gives room for doubts and fears. If disappointments come--work. If sorrow overwhelms you and loved ones seem not true--work. If health is threatened--work. When faith falters and reason fails--just work. When dreams are shattered and hope seems dead--work. Work as if your life were in peril. It really is. No matter what ails you--work. Work faithfully--work with faith. Work is the greatest remedy available for both mental and physical afflictions.--_Korsaren_.

I believe in the stuff I am handing out, in the firm I am working for; and in my ability to get results. I believe that honest stuff can be passed out to honest men by honest methods. I believe in working, not weeping; in boosting not knocking; and in the pleasure of my job. I believe that a man gets what he goes after, that one deed done today is worth two deeds tomorrow, and that no man is down and out until he has lost faith in himself. I believe in today and the work I am doing, in tomorrow and the work I hope to do, and in the sure reward which the future holds. I believe in courtesy, in kindness, in generosity, in good cheer, in friendship and in honest competition. I believe there is something doing, somewhere for every man ready to do it. I believe I'm ready--RIGHT NOW!--_Elbert Hubbard_.

I ask no odds of any man,
I am not one that follies sway,
I am the source of my rewards,
I do my work each day.

It matters not if rich or poor,
This is the future's great command,
Who does not work shall cease to eat;
Upon this rock I stand.

The fruit of trees, the grain of fields,
Wherever use and beauty lurk--
The good of all the world belongs
To him who does the work.

--_Max Ehrtnan_.

Are you trying to climb where the chosen are,
Where the feet of men are few?
Do you long for "a job that is worth one's while?"
Well here's a thought for you:

The pots of gold at the rainbow's end
Are sought by the teeming mob,
But the fairies who guard them choose as friend
The man that loves his job.

No matter what grip of hand he has--
How poor or strong his brain,
There's always a place for the man who loves
His work with might and main.

Does he dig in a ditch, or blaze a trail,
Where the dreams of men may run?
No clod of earth shall shoulder him
From his place out in the sun.

It isn't the kick, It's not the pull,
That brings the strong man out;
But it's long-time work, and it's all-time will,
And cheerful heart and shout,

Have you faith in yourself? Do you want to win?
Is your heart for success athrob?
There's just one thing that can bring you in
With the winners--love your job.

--_Stewart Lishear_.

_Work Makes Men_

"Work," as Henry Drummond said on the death of his friend John Ewing, of Melbourne, "is given man, not only, nor so much, perhaps, because the world needs it, but because the workmen need it. Men make work; but work makes men. An office is not merely a place for making money; it is a place for making men. A workshop is not a place for making machinery only; it is a place for making souls, for filling in the working virtues of one's life; for turning out honest, modest and good-natured men."

FIRST NAVVY--"Ye know, it's hard lines on Joe, 'im bein' so short-sighted."

SECOND NAVVY--"Why? Yer don't need good eyesight for our job!"

FIRST NAVVY--"No, but 'e can't see when the foreman ain't lookin', so he has to keep on workin' all the time."

A youth was being scored by his father for his flighty notions, his habit of shirking and general unreliability. "Hard work never killed anybody," the old man added.

"That's just the trouble, dad," returned the youngster. "I want to engage in something that has a spice of danger in it."

"Why don't you get out and hustle? Hard work never killed anybody," remarked the philosophical gentleman to whom Rastus applied for a little charity.

"You're mistaken dar, boss," replied Rastus; "I'se lost fouh wives dat way."

For whether he's wielding a scepter or swab,
I have faith in the man who's in love with his job.

--_Shorey_.

WORRY

"Didn't you use to belong to a Don't Worry Club years ago?"

"Yes," replied the patient yet firm woman. "I had to resign. Nobody worried about who was going to fix up the sandwiches and salad and freeze the ice cream, but me. So I decided I was just a born worrier and was out of my class."

YOUTH

Arthur T. Hadley, president of Yale, said of youth at a tea in New Haven:

"I find youth modest, almost over-modest. I don't agree with the accepted idea of youth that is epitomized in the anecdote.

"According to this anecdote, an old man said to a youth:

"'My boy, when I was your age I thought, like you, that I knew it all, but now I have reached the conclusion that I know nothing.'

"The youth, lighting a cigaret, answered carelessly:

"'Hm! I reached that conclusion about you years ago.'"

ZONES

While inspecting examination papers recently, a teacher found various humorous answers to questions. A class of boys, averaging twelve years of age, had been examined in geography. The previous day had been devoted to grammar. Among the geographical questions was the following:

"Name the zones."

One promising youth, who had mixed the two subjects, wrote: "There are two zones, masculine and feminine. The masculine is either temperate or intemperate; the feminine is either torrid or frigid!"

INDEX