Chapter XIV: Part 14

Having heard a popular make of motor-car highly spoken of, he entered the depot with the idea of purchasing one. The selection was soon made, and the customer expressed himself ready to buy if he could have a trial trip. That, the salesman explained, was impossible; the cars were sold on their reputation only. The customer declined to buy without a trial, and was leaving the store when the chairman of the company entered, and the situation was explained to him.

The chairman agreed that the salesman's attitude was correct. "But," said he, "as I don't like turning money away, I'll take you for a run in the car myself." The selected car was brought out, the chairman took the driving wheel, the customer sat alongside him, and the run began.

For some time she ran beautifully. Then, halfway up a hill, there was a sudden stoppage, and, do what he would, the driver could not induce the car to move.

Said the customer: "A jolly good thing I insisted on a trial."

Very red in the face, the chairman left the car, went to the front and lifted the bonnet to see what was the matter. "Holy smoke!" he exclaimed. "She's got no engine in her. She's run two miles on nothing but her reputation."

REST CURE

I wish I was a little rock
On top of yonder hill
A doin' nothin' all day long
But just a settin' still.

I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep
I wouldn't even wash
I'd set and set a thousand years
And rest myself--_By Gosh!_

RESTAURANTS

A gentleman from the rural districts of Missouri recently made his first visit to New York. Shortly after his arrival he went into a restaurant and ordered what seemed to him like a rather meager meal. When the bill was presented it totaled $8.35. The Missourian looked at the amount twice to make sure his eyes were not deceiving him. Then he smiled. "Waiter," he called, "you've made a mistake. I've got more money than that!"

GUEST--"Look here! How long must I wait for the half-portion of duck I ordered?"

WAITER--"Till somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck."

Dr. C----, who was called to the far end of Long Island to extract an appendix, missed the last train back, stayed over night in a miserable hotel, and was waited on at breakfast by a sallow and cadaverous country girl. Said she:

"Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys, fried liver."

Said he:

"Hang your symptoms! Bring me something to eat!"

"What's yours?"

"Coffee and rolls, my girl."

One of those iron-heavy, quarter-inch, thick mugs of coffee was pushed over the counter. The fastidious person seemed dazed. He looked under the mug and over it.

"But where is the saucer?" he inquired.

"We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin' in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellest trade."

"Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" demanded the waiter in the Central Park restaurant.

"What's the difference?" inquired the tourist.

"You get a sharp knife with the dollar and half steak," explained the waiter.

CUSTOMER--"By Jove, I am glad to see you back. Has the strike been settled?"

WAITER--"What strike, sir?"

CUSTOMER--"Oh, come, now. Where have you been since you took my order?"

AFFABLE WAITER--"How did you find that steak, sir?"

GUEST--"Oh, quite accidentally. I moved that piece of potato and there it was, underneath."

CHAUFFEUR--"Cup of coffee, doughnuts, and some griddle cakes."

WAITRESS--"Cylinder oil, couple of non-skid, and an order of blow-out patches."

RETALIATION

Even though the war was over, she decided to do her patriotic duty along the hospitality line. So she called the Army and Navy Club, and transmitted her invitation through a suave-voiced officer.

"I am Mrs. Humpfree McLeod, 33 First Avenue," she explained, "and I should like to have two of your men come to dinner with us Sunday at half-past one."

"Yes. Thank you, Mrs. McLeod."

"But wait--be sure, whatever you do, that they aren't Jews!"

The tone of her voice was emphatic.

Sunday came, bringing two chocolate-colored khaki-clad privates to the McLeod house. When Mrs. McLeod brushed into the drawing-room to greet her soldiers, all a-smile, she was surprised, to put it mildly.

"Why!" she stammered. "Why, who invited you here?"

"Our commanding officer," explained one, "Captain Cohen."

One morning Jorkins looked over his fence and said to his neighbor, Harkins:

"What are you burying in that hole?"

"Just replanting some of my seeds, that's all," was the answer.

"Seeds!" exclaimed Jorkins, angrily. "It looks more like one of my hens!"

"That's all right," said the other. "The seeds are inside."--_Harper's_.

"What's coming off out in front there?" asked the proprietor of the Tote Fair store in Tumlinville, Ark.

"A couple of fellers from Straddle Ridge swapped mules," replied the clerk, "and now each is accusing the other of skinning him."

"Well, then, why don't they trade back?"

"I reckon they are both afraid of getting skinned again."

MOTHER--"Joan, darling, run and call Fido, will you?"

JOAN--"I don't see how I can, mummy, 'cos I aren't speakin' to Fido since he broke my doll!"

"It was mighty nice of you to give up your seat to that stout old lady, Mr. Blinks. It is pleasant to see that there are still some polite men left in the world."

"Sorry, Mrs. Jabbers, but it wasn't politeness at all. The man who sat next to me was quarrelsome because he said I crowded him too much, and all I did was to use that stout old lady as a sort of retort courteous."--_Judge_. "All sorts and conditions of men have excellent explanations for their position in life," said the Senator. "A tramp, however, came under my observation who had no illusions about the cause of his own condition.

"A fine looking and fashionably dressed woman had just alighted from her limousine at the hotel entrance, and was suddenly approached by this shabbily dressed man who requested a dime.

"'No, I have no money to spare for you. I do not see why an able-bodied man like you should go about begging.'"

"'I s'ppose, ma'am,' replied the lazy tramp, 'it's fer about the same reason that a healthy woman like you boards at a hotel instead of keepin' house.'"--_Harper's_.

Apropos of foreign honesty, Dr. Nicholas Butler tells this story:

"On a foreign railroad," he said, "a commuter had a row with the conductor. At the end of the row the commuter turned to a friend and said:

"'Well, the P.D.R. will never see another cent of my money after this.'

"The conductor, who was departing, looked back and snarled:

"'What'll you do? Walk?'

"'Oh, no,' said the commuter, 'I'll stop buying tickets and pay my fare to you.'"

ROADS

"How are the roads in this section?" "Fine," replied Farmer Corntossel. "We've abolished bad roads." "Big job, wasn't it?" "Not at all. Wherever the going is 'specially hard we don't call it a 'road.' We call it a 'detour.'"

ROOSEVELT, THEODORE

"One beautiful autumn day," said the teacher, telling a story, "Little Red Riding Hood was walking along a path in the woods when she came to a sharp turn; and whom do you think she saw standing there, with a row of shining white teeth gleaming at her?"

Up went a little hand.

"Who was it, Willie?"

"Mister Roosevelt."

RUINS

An English nobleman was about to set out for India, and, fearing that in his absence vandals might destroy a picturesque ruin on his estate, he said to his steward: "I want you to build a wall here"--he drew a tiny furrow with his stick around the ruin--"a stone wall five feet high."

On his return home the nobleman started for the spot. When he reached it he rubbed his eyes in amazement. There was the new stone wall, but he could see nothing towering up inside of it. He turned excitedly to his steward:

"Look here, where's the ruin, man?"

"The ruin, my lord?" replied the steward. "Oh, that ould thing! Sure, I used it to build the wall with."

RUMMAGE SALES

"Oh, John," sobbed Mrs. John, "I've done something awful, and I'm almost afraid to tell you--but I must! I made a most awful mistake this morning and sent your new dress suit to the rummage sale instead of your old one, and when I found out what I had done and ran over to get it back, it had been sold."

"That's all right, Mabel, dear," said John amiably. "I stopped in at the sale myself and bought it back for thirty-five cents."

SACRIFICES

"George, where are your school-books?"

"When notices appeared that books were wanted for the wounded, I gave mine to them."

"But, my dear," said his wife, after he had complained about the food the new cook had brought in. "You know during these terrible times it is absolutely necessary that we make great sacrifices."

"Oh, of course, but what I object to is that cook's making hers in the form of a burnt offering."

SAFETY

Throughout the trial the Englishman, whose crimes had been many and black, bore himself with an air of complete indifference and received the sentence of the supreme penalty with a bored yawn. After he had been led on to the scaffold and just as the hood and noose were about to be placed over his head, the attendant priest, still persisting in his attempts to awaken penitence, in spite of the doomed man's deafness to his prayers, asked him again for a final statement.

The prisoner's gaze wandered to the noose and rested there meditatively. Suddenly he turned to the priest:

"See here, old chap," he demanded, "is this thing perfectly safe?"

Mark Twain once sat in the smoking room of a steamer and listened for an hour to some remarkable stories. Then he drawled, "Boys, these feats of yours that you've been telling about recall an adventure of my own in Hannibal. There was a fire in Hannibal one night, and Old Man Hankinson got caught in the fourth story of the burning house. It looked as if he was a goner. None of the ladders was long enough to reach him. The crowd stared at one another with awed eyes. Nobody could think of anything to do.

"Then all of a sudden, boys, an idea occurred to me. 'Fetch a rope!' I yelled.

"Somebody fetched a rope, and with great presence of mind I flung the end of it up to the old man. 'Tie her round your waist!' I yelled. Old Man Hankinson did so, and I pulled him down."

OLD LADY (to motorman on her first drive on an electric car)--"Would it be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put my foot on the rail?"

MOTORMAN (an Edison man)--"No, mum, not unless you was to put the other one on the overhead wire."

SALARIES

"And about the salary?" said the movie star.

"Well," said the manager after a moment's thought, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week?"

"All right."

"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it--you will get $500."

Salary--something paid to you for what you do.

Income--something paid to you for what your father did.

"How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?"

"He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger from monopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human nature isn't so bad, after all."

SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP

"Hey, what did you go and sell them apples fer?"

"Ain't they fer sale?"

"No. Them was the samples we take out to our automobile customers."

"Who," asked the officiating clergyman, formally but impressively, "gives this bride away?"

"I--I was to," stammered her father, "but I've been a retail salesman too long to give anything away. Let somebody else do it."

PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (to sales-manager who has advertised for a salesman)--"I'm answering your ad in today's paper."

SALES MANAGER--"Had much experience?"

PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (confidently)--"Yes, sir. I've sold most everything in my time."

SALES MANAGER--"Then try selling me your services!" Mr. Babcock was driving through the country, trying to buy a mule. He was directed to a colored man who had one for sale.

"Do you want to sell a mule?" asked Babcock.

"Yaas, sah," replied the owner. "May I ask whar yo' live, sah?"

"What has that got to do with it?" queried Babcock.

"Well," explained the negro, "I ain't gwine ter transfer dat mule to nobody dat lives less dan two hundred miles away from here. When I sells that mule I wants to git rid not only of de mule, but of all conversation appertainin' to him."

"Mr. Smith, I represent the Stygian Life Insurance Company. I know you don't want to talk to me or listen to me; I know you have all the insurance you feel able to pay for. I am not here to tell you your chances of dying tonight, or of being hit by an automobile on leaving this building; neither shall I try to convince you that my company can offer you anything more than any other well-managed, long-established concern. I shall not pretend that I am especially interested in your welfare and wish to do you a service. I am trying to make a living. Here is a blank application. You do not need to say any of the commonplaces. Good day, Mr. Smith.

"Ah, you have signed it. Permit me to insert the amount--say $25,000. Our doctor will call on you tomorrow at 12:01. Thank you, Mr. Smith. Yes; I am using a new method. The idea came from the Four Minute speakers. Haven't lost a prospect yet. But my time is up. I shall deliver your policy in person, but that takes only one minute under the new system. Good-bye."

"I don't think I'll buy the house, but I've enjoyed the ride out here. You run a good car."

"Yes, I'm agent for this make. Can I book your order?"

Keep hollering--
There's somebody
Somewhere that'll
Want what you've
Got sometime!

That clerk you all know died and approached the pearly gates.

"Give me a seat in the front row," he demanded of St. Peter.

"Sorry," said the hoary gatekeeper. "Heaven's all sold out, but I can give you something just as good."

Trade was bad. At the end of another blank day the discouraged salesman called on another prospective customer and asked to show his samples.

"No, there is nothing I want today," said the customer,

"But will you just examine my line of goods?" the salesman persisted.

The customer would not.

"Then," said the salesman meekly, "will you let me use a part of your counter to look at them myself, as I have not had the opportunity for some time?"

"I want a pair of the best gloves you have," said Mrs. Nuritch at the glove counter.

"Yes, ma'am," replied the polite salesman. "How long do you want them?"

"Don't git insultin', young man! I want to buy 'em, not hire 'em."

"How do you manage to sell so many fireless cookers?"

"It's due to my method of approach," said the smart salesman. "I begin my little talk by saying, 'Madam, I have called to enable you to spend every afternoon at the movies.'"

NEW MAN ON THE ROAD--"What is the best time for me to see the head of this firm I'm working for, boy?"

OFFICE BOY--"Between the time he gets your sales-account and the time he gets your expense-account."--_Puck_.

_"Orders Is Orders"_

One of the traveling salesmen breezed back from a short trip.

"How's business?" grunted the manufacturer.

"Fine," beamed the agent.

Manufacturer reached for the "good-business" cigars.

"How fine?"

"Got two good orders," the agent said.

"Ah-ha," grinned the boss. "Who were they from?"

"One," came the reply, "was from Mr.---- of---- &---- who ordered me to 'Get out,' and the other was from his partner who ordered me to 'Stay out.'"

_See also_ Booksellers and bookselling; Mistakes.

SALVATION

An evangelist was exhorting his hearers to flee from the wrath to come. "I warn you," he thundered, "there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth."

At this point an old woman of the congregation stood up.

"Sir, I have no teeth."

"Madam," returned the preacher sternly, "teeth will be provided."

SAVING

SON--"Dad, what is a savings account?"

FATHER--"A savings account is that part of a man's income which the government takes after permitting him to pay for the necessities of life."

_See also_ Economy; Thrift.

SCANDAL

"Yes, it cost me ten thousand dollars to have my family-tree looked up, and five thousand dollars more to have it hushed up."--_Life_.

Believe that story false that ought not to be true.--_Sheridan_.

Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,
Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike;
Alike reserv'd to blame, or to commend,
A tim'rous foe, and a suspicious friend.

--_Pope_.

The scandal of the world is what makes the offence; it is not sinful to sin in silence.--_Moliere_.

SCHOLARSHIP

"What's the matter? You look thoughtful."

"My six-year-old son brought home a list of questions to answer."

"What of that?"

"My average ranks me as a deficient kid."

"Is my son getting well grounded in the classics?" asked the millionaire.

"I would put it even stronger than that," replied the private tutor. "I may say that he is actually stranded on them."

"Tommy Tucker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want you to keep as far away from him as you possibly can."

"I do, mother. He stays at the head of the class most of the time."

_See also_ College students.

SCHOOLS

A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country schoolhouse. "This here boy's arter larnin'," he announced. "What's yer bill o'fare?"

"Our curriculum, sir," corrected the schoolmaster, "embraces geography, arithmetic, trigonometry--"

"That'll do," interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him up well with triggernometry. He's the only poor shot in the family."

There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the schoolboy who is trying to learn the dates of all the revolutions.

CRABSHAW--"Why do you wish to leave school and go to work when you're so young?"

WILLIE--"It's this way, dad. School is going to be a tough place for the next few years. We'll have a new map of Europe to study, and if we fall down on it the teacher is likely to give us the Constitution of the League of Nations to learn by heart."

MAMMA--"How do you feel this morning, Robert? Are you able to sit up?"

ROBERT--"I feel awful bad. Don't think I could stand on my feet."

MAMMA--"Well, I hope you will be able to go to school Monday. This is Saturday--"

ROBERT (jumping out of bed)--"Saturday! Gee! I thought it was Friday!"

SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT

EFFICIENCY EXPERT--"I am very gratified to see how many new men you have taken on since I installed my system."

"Yes, I hired 'em to take care of the system."--_Judge_.

SCOTCH, THE

An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman were indulging in reminiscences of sporting occasions.

"The closest race I ever saw was a yacht race," deposed the Englishman, "in which one of the boats that had been recently painted won by the breadth of the coat of paint."

"The closest race I ever saw," declared the Scotchman, "was one in which a horse, stung by a bee, won by the eighth of the swelling of his nose."

"The closest race I ever saw," said the Irishman, "is the Scotch."

Some travellers returning to their hotel in Edinburgh one evening noticed an old Scotchman working anxiously over a penny-in-the-slot machine that refused to deliver his purchase or to return the penny. The next morning on passing the same spot they saw the poor man dead beside the slot machine.

Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside, talking and puffing away merrily at their pipes.

"There's no muckle pleasure in smokin', Sandy," said Donald.

"Hoo dae ye mak' that oot?" questioned Sandy.

"Weel," said Donald, "ye see, if ye're smokin' yer ain bacca ye're thinkin' o' the awfu' expense, an' if ye're smokin' some ither body's, yer pipe's ramm't sae tight it winna draw."

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whisky. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not side-step quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

"Oh, God," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"

During the fighting a Highlander had the misfortune to get his head blown off.

A comrade communicated the sad news to another gallant Scot, who asked, anxiously:

"Where's his head? He was smoking ma pipe."

A Scottish emigrant on his arrival at Montreal, stopped for a moment to examine a coat hanging in front of a clothing store, when the proprietor asked him if he would not try on a coat.

"I dinna ken but I wad," responded the emigrant, consulting his watch; and he went in and set to work. No matter how often he found a fit, he tried on another and another till he tried on about thirty. Then, again looking at his watch, he resumed his own garment and walked off saying:

"Weel, I've lost time, nae doot, but hang the fellow that'll no' obleege anither when he can!"

Three Scotchmen were in church one Sunday morning when the minister made a strong appeal for some very worthy cause, hoping that every one in the congregation would give at least one dollar or more. The three Scots became very nervous as the collection plate neared them, when one of them fainted and the other two carried him out.

Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution.

Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host knew no bounds except the several capacities of the guests. In the midst of the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up and made rounds of the company, bidding each a profound farewell.

"But, Sandy, man," objected the host, "ye're not going yet, with the evenin' just started?"

"Nay," said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."

A Scotchman was strolling through the market-place one day with his faithful collie at his heels. Attracted by a fine display of shell and other fish, the Scot stopped to admire, perhaps to purchase. The dog stood by gently wagging its tail while its master engaged the fishmonger in conversation.

Unfortunately for the dog, its tail dropped for a moment over a big basketful of fine live lobsters. Instantly one of the largest lobsters snapt its claws on the tail and the surprised collie dashed off through the market, yelping with pain, while the lobster hung on grimly, tho dashed violently from side to side. The fishmonger for a moment was speechless with indignation. Then turning to his prospective customer, he bawled:

"Mon, mon! whustle to yer dog! Whustle to yer dog!"

"Hoot, mon," returned the other, complacently, "whustle to yer lobster!"

SEASICKNESS

"My dear old fellow! What's the matter? The sea's like a duck-pond!"

"I know, old boy--but I've taken six--different--remedies."--_Punch_.

The Chief Justice while presiding over the Supreme Court at Washington took the several Justices of the Court for a run down Chesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting decidedly the worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great distress the Chief Justice touched him on the shoulder and said in a tone of deepest sympathy:

"Is there anything I can do for you, Gray?"

"No, thank you," returned the sick Justice, "unless your Honor can overrule this motion."

An amateur sailor was making his first trip across the Atlantic, and was in the throes of the _mal de mer_ when the ship's surgeon came across him.

"What's the matter?" was the doctor's callous query.

"O-o-oh!" was the only response as the young man rolled over in agony.

"Come, get up," derided the surgeon, grinning unfeelingly. "The ship's been torpedoed and will sink in ten minutes."

"Ten minutes?" the sick man protested feebly. "Can't you make it any sooner?"

"How was the trip over?" I asked one of our returning soldiers.

"Rough as thunder," was the reply.

"Did they feed you well?" I asked.

"Six meals a day," he said.

"Six?" I echoed.

"Yes," was the laughing reply; "three down and three up."

A New York man was crossing the Atlantic with an army officer who suffered greatly from sea-sickness.

On entering the stateroom one particularly rough day, he found the officer tossing in his berth, muttering in what at first appeared to be a sort of delirium.

Stooping over to catch his words, the friend heard him say: "Sergeant ... major ... sergeant ... major ... brigadier-general ... ugh, _lieutenant_-general ... a-a-ah!"

"What are you saying?" asked the friend in some alarm, as the sufferer looked piteously up at him after his last gasping "a-a-ah!"

"Assigning the waves their rank," said the military man, rolling toward the wall again. "There have been eight lieutenant-generals within the last twenty minutes."

CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST--"Nothing is ever lost! Everything in the universe is in its right place at the right time!"

MAN FROM MISSOURI--"Have you never been seasick?"

The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in such instances one passenger was aggressively, disgustingly healthy.

"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was leaning on the rail.

The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the scorn he could muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm just hanging over the front of the boat to see how the captain cranks it!"

SECRETS

"Can you keep a secret, Peggy?"

"I can; but it's just my luck to tell things to other girls who can't."

ALICE--"I thought you could keep a secret."

MABEL--"Well, I kept it for a week. Do you think I'm a cold-storage plant?"

JACK--"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"

ETHEL--"No; I don't want her to think it was important enough to repeat."

CRAWFORD--"I see that the Ku Klux are going to admit women members."

CRABSHAW--"Why, I thought it was a secret society."

It is said that an ancient Chinese sage who lived in the second century was offered a bribe. His silence being accepted as hesitation, he was assured that he was perfectly safe, as no one knew it. He replied:

"Heaven knows, it. Earth knows it. You know it. I know it. How can you say that no one knows it?"

SELF-MADE MEN

"Yes, sir," said the trust magnate, proudly, "I am the architect of my own fortune."

"Well," rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say is that it's a lucky thing for you there were no building inspectors around when you were constructing it."

SENATE

FORWARDLOOKER--"The Senate has a plan to settle labor disputes."

CYNIC--"If labor would devise a plan for settling Senate disputes, we might have peace."

The more we read about the Senate the more we understand the word "jazz."

SENATORS

"What is your position on this great question?"

"My position," replied Senator Sorghum, "is somewhat like that of a tight-rope walker. I don't want to stop to argue or show off. What I want to do is to get across to solid ground."

"The interrogation 'Where did you get it?' causes me much less apprehension," confessed Senator Smugg, "than the feeling that some day the public may learn the answer to the question 'Where did you put it?'"--_Puck_.

SENSE OF HUMOR

SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT (cross-questioning the terrified class)--"And now I want you boys to tell me who wrote 'Hamlet.'"

FRIGHTENED BOY--"P-p-please, sir, it-it wasn't me."

That same evening the superintendent was talking to his host, the squire of the village. The superintendent said:

"Most amusing thing happened today. I was questioning the class over at the school, and I asked a boy who wrote 'Hamlet.' He answered tearfully, 'P-p-please, sir, it wasn't me.'"

After loud and prolonged laughter, the squire said:

"That's pretty good, and I suppose the little rascal had done it all the time!"

_British and American Humor_

Having observed in a London omnibus a notice warning passengers to be careful as they alight, which is couched in these terms: "Cinema actors risk their lives for pay! Don't do it for nothing!" a New York journalist remarks that "an American advertisement on that subject would be serious; the British are more flippant in their seriousness than the Americans."

It seems as if this critic (writes a correspondent of the Manchester Guardian) never saw the notices posted in the trains used for conveying American troops in France during the last six months of the war. Tho drawn up at American headquarters, these notices are quite as "flippant in their seriousness" as the one he quotes. One of them ran:

THREE KINDS OF FOOLS

1. Fools.

2. Damned fools.

3. SOLDIERS WHO RIDE ON TOPS AND SIDES OF CARS.

A great many American soldiers have already been killed as a result of riding on tops of cars.

There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars and tunnel arches.

There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars and bridge superstructures.

There is only a slight clearance between sides of cars and signal-towers.

IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE THE NEXT BLOCK KEEP YOURS INSIDE.

There was another one worded as follows:

YOUR HEAD MAY BE HARD

But not so hard as Bridges and Tunnel Arches.

Railway company will hold you responsible for damages to bridges and tunnels and signal-towers--they are not insured.

KEEP YOUR BLOCK INSIDE

And yet another:

Huns are waiting.
Trenches ahead.
Speed up.
You won't if you ride on top of or stick your head out of cars.

KEEP YOUR IVORY IN!

HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Y'r Honor, Oi think that humorist should be prohibited from givin' his lecture in the opera house tomorrow night, sor!"

MAYOR OF TOWN--"Why so, Mooney? Is it immoral?"

HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Not immoral, sor; but they say his humor is contagious!"

SENTRIES

_See_ Armies.

SERMONS

_See_ Preaching.

SERVANTS

MISTRESS--"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at that dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least."

BRIDGET--"Shure, it's no fault av moine. Oi've been here only t'ree weeks."

While Willie and his mother were walking along the street, they passed an employment agency with this sign in the window: "Colored Help Supplied."

"Look, ma," said Willie. "Is that where we got our green cook?"

Cynthia, a young colored cook, who had recently given up her employment in order that she might try her luck at the easier profession of cateress, met her former mistress on the street.

"Good morning, Cynthia," said the lady. "Where are you working now?"

"I isn't workin' nowhere now, ma'am," replied Cynthia, coyly; "I'se capering for a congressman."

WIFE--"I wish I knew what to do with this skirt. It's good, but somewhat out of style."

HUSBAND--"Why don't you give it to the laundress?"

WIFE--"Don't be funny, George. She's a good laundress, and I wouldn't offend her for the world."

MRS. ECKS--"That's a shocking clumsy maid who served us. And Mrs. Wise said she had such a treasure."

MRS. WYE--"This maid is one she hired for the occasion. She has the treasure locked in her room for fear one of the guests might steal her."

MISTRESS--"Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can do tonight. We have a few very special friends coming for a musical evening."

COOK--"Well, mum, I 'aven't done any singin' to speak of for years, but as you insists upon it you can put me down for 'The 'Oly City'!"

NEW MISTRESS--"How about the afternoon off?"

NORAH--"Sure, mum, take wan--I'm willin'."

MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)--"Matthews! What does this mean? How did this policeman get here?"

COOK (equal to the occasion)--"Dunno, mum. 'E must 'ave bin left over by the last cook."

"I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah."

"I am on me own account, mum. I only tells lies to the callers for the family."

"A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since we moved out here," said Mr. Crosslots.

"They didn't call to see us," replied his wife. "The report has gone out that we have a good cook and they are trying to get acquainted with her."

Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him how to receive calling-cards. She let herself out the front door, and when the new servant answered her ring she gave him her card.

The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith. When they presented their cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them with Mrs. Smith's card, and remarked as he closed the door:

"Tickets no good; you can't come in."

MISTRESS--"I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me."

BRIDGET--"Don't worry, mum. I'll not go until ye have a houseful of company."

Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson's cook away from her so badly that she actually went to Mrs. Johnson's house when she was away and offered the cook more money. The next time they met at a big dinner Mrs. Johnson did not notice her.

"Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?" said the lady who sat between them.

"No, I believe not," said Mrs. Johnson, "but I understand that she calls on my cook."

MR. EXE--"Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was burned?"

MRS. EXE--"Mercy, no! She would leave instantly. I told her it was just right, but that we preferred it a trifle underdone."

"Does your family have any trouble with servants?"

"No," replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them stay around the place long enough to become really troublesome."

Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the park when one asked the other:

"Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?"

"I am afraid not."

"What!" exclaimed the other. "And you so fond of dancing!"

"I'd love to go," explained the conscientious maid, "but to tell you the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother."

"A flirt, am I!" exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go. "Well, I know them as flirts more than I do, and with less hexcuse." She shot a spiteful look at her mistress and added: "I'm better looking than you. More 'andsome. 'Ow do I know? Your husband told me so."

"That will do," said her mistress, frigidly.

"But I ain't finished yet!" retorted Mary Ann. "I can give a better kiss than you! You want to know 'oo told me that, mum?"

"If you mean to suggest that my husband--"

"No, it wasn't your 'usband this time," said Mary Ann. "It was your chauffeur."

Mrs. Bliffkins met Mary Smith, whom she had recommended to a neighbor for a situation.

"How are you getting on at your new place?" asked Mrs. Bliffkins.

"Very well, thank you," was the reply.

"I am glad to hear it," remarked Mrs. Bliffkins. "Your employer is a very nice lady, and you cannot do too much for her."

"I don't mean to, ma'am," replied Mary.

MRS. SMYTHE DE WILLOUGHBY--"Was the grocer's boy impudent again this morning, Clara, when you telephoned the order?"

CLARA--"'E was, mum! But I didn't 'arf give 'im wot for. I sez, 'Who d'yer blinkin' well think you're a-talkin 'to? I'm Mrs. Smythe der Willoughby!'"--_Punch_.

MRS. GLABBERDEEN--"Of course you, too, must often change cooks?"

MRS. JALPERDILL--"Oh, don't speak of it! We suffer from such a continual going and coming that we've decided this winter to equip our kitchen with revolving doors."

VISITOR--"Why does your servant go about the house with her hat on?"

MISTRESS--"Oh, she's a new girl. She only came this morning, and hasn't yet made up her mind whether she'll stay."--_Punch (London)_.

The new word for "servant" and the new hours have come, judging from this advertisement:

Household assistants (two) wanted in private family; eight hours daily; six days weekly; one from 8 to 5; another from 11 to 8; all off for lunch; no meals; sleep home; wages, $10. Apply--, etc.

HUSBAND (at dinner)--"By George, this is a regular banquet. Finest spread I've sat down to in an age. What's up? Do you expect company?"

WIFE--"No, but I think the cook does."

AGATHA-"Is your former cook happy since she inherited a fortune?"

AGNES-"No, she's all dressed up and no place to leave."

"Have you any cooks on hand?"

"Six in the anteroom."

"Ask 'em to look me over and see if there is anybody here I might suit."

THE NEW MAID--"In my last place I always took things fairly easy."

COOK--"Well, it's different here. They keep everything locked up."

Mrs. X. had lost her cook and had telephoned in vain for another. Dinner guests were expected and she was desperate. Finally, putting on her things, she went out, and she hadn't gone far when she met a neat-looking colored woman. She explained her dilemma and the colored woman listened in silence, then she said: "Where do yo' live, missus?"

Seeing a ray of hope joyfully, Mrs. X. gave her address, to be met with this reply:

"Well, yo 'jess go home an' look in yo' glass an' yo'll see yo' cook."

MISTRESS--"I want a maid who will be faithful and not a time-waster. Can you promise that?"

BRIDGET--"Indeed'n I can. I'm that scrup'lous, ma'am, about wastin' time that I make one job of prayin' and scrubbin'."

"Do you keep any servants?"

"No, of course, not."

"But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?"

"Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but we don't keep them."

FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by her mistress)--"And they all came in limousines, and had on the grandest clothes, and wore the biggest diamonds."

NEIGHBOR'S MAID--"And what did they talk about?"

FIRST MAID--"Us."

"I'm afraid I'll never be able to teach you anything, Maggie," was the despairing utterance of a Trenton woman to a new Irish domestic. "Don't you know that you should always hand me notes and cards on a salver?"

"Sure, mum, I knew," answered Maggie, "but I didn't know you did."

Bridget had been discharged. Extracting a five-dollar bill from her wage-roll, she threw it to Fido. Then the shocked mistress heard her exclaim: "Sure 'n' I niver fergit a frind; that's fer helpin' me wash the dishes."

_See also_ Recommendations.

SERVICE

_Payment_

We pay too much with money, pay
Our debts with gold, and only gold--
Bestow a purse and turn away,
And think that song is bought and sold.
A queen paid Shakespeare for his wit,
And thought that was the end of it.

We pay too much with money, deem
A dollar can discharge a debt,
Or buy a dress, or buy a dream,
Perhaps a spray of mignonette.
The deft designer, what of her?
And who can pay a gardener?

We must pay money, and pay more--
The sustenance for daily need,
And then the larger payment for
The beauty dreamed, the planted seed--
With service pay for service, give
The larger things by which we live.

Each has his gift and each his art
That men for others must employ;
We must contribute each his part
To make the universal joy--
With service pay for service, pay
Each in his own, his destined, way.

--_Douglas Malloch_.

SERVICE STAR

_The Gold Star_

Little golden service star,
How I wonder who you are.
Does a sweetheart, or a wife,
Love you, little star of "Life?"
Or a mother, proud but sad,
Who gave all, her only lad?
When I first beheld you there
You were blue, born with a prayer.
Golden star and star of blue--
With one soul God gave to you--
Do you know how proud we are
Of the golden service star?

--_Beth Nichols_.

SHOPPING

CLERK--"Now see here little girl, I can't spend the whole day showing you penny toys. Do you want the earth with a little red fence around it for a cent?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Let me see it."

"How can you tell when a woman is only shopping?"

"When they intend to buy they ask to see something cheaper. When they're shopping they ask if you haven't something more expensive in stock."

In a busy department store, a lady asked to see blankets. After the clerk had emptied the shelves and piled the counters with blankets of every description and color, the lady thanked him and said: "I was just looking for a friend."

"Well, madam," said the obliging clerk, "if you think your friend is among these blankets, I'll look again."

"Was papa the first man who ever proposed to you, mama?"

"Yes; but why do you ask?"

"I was just thinking that you might have done better if you had shopped around a little more."

Here is a story of a lady who seemed to want a lot for her money. She rushed excitedly into the hardware department.

"Give me a mouse-trap!" she exclaimed. "Quickly, please, because I want to catch a train."

HUSBAND (discovering the hall full of packages)--"Heavens! You must have had a successful shopping day."

WIFE--"Yes, dear, and that isn't the best of it. I have actually got something that I am going to keep."--_Life_.

An old fellow who was noted through the town for his stuttering as well as for his shrewdness in making a bargain, stopped at a grocery and inquired:

"How m-m-many t-t-t-turkeys have you g-g-got?"

"Eight, sir," replied the grocer.

"T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?"

"Some are tender and some tough," was the reply.

"I k-keep b-b-b-boarders," said the new customer. "P-pick out the four t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you p-p-please."

The delighted grocer very willingly complied with the unusual request, and said in his politest tones:

"These are the tough ones, sir."

Upon which the customer coolly put his hand on the remaining four, and exclaimed:

"I'll t--t--take th--th--th--these!"

SIGHT SEEING

The motor-bus stopped, and the conductor looked earnestly up the steps, but no one descended, and at last he stalked up impatiently.

"'Ere, you," he said to a man on top, "don't you want Westminster Abbey?"

"Yes," was the reply.

"Well," retorted the conductor, "come down for it. I can't bring it on the bus for you."

SIGNS

Eva S----, twenty-four years old, a maid employed in Jersey City, was locked up last night in the West Thirtieth Street Police Station, charged with grand larceny. She is alleged to have stolen $160 worth of articles from a Sixth Avenue department-store.

The explanation she gave was that she saw a sign in the store which read: "Customers, please take small packages home."

"Why do you have an apple as your trade-mark?" asked a client of the cash tailor.

"Well, well," replied the man, rubbing his hands, "if it hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business be today?"

In a large park in one of the Eastern cities there are seats about the bandstand with this notice posted on them:

"The seats in the vicinity of the bandstand are for the use of ladies. Gentlemen should make use of them only after the former are seated."

A farmer hitched his team to a telephone-pole.

"Here," exclaimed a policeman, "you can't hitch there!"

"Can't hitch!" shouted the irate farmer, "Well, why does the sign say, 'Fine for Hitching'?'"

You have heard perhaps, of the Englishman in the South Station, Boston, who read over a door "Inside Baggage," and chuckled with glee: "You Americans are so droll! Now we should say 'Refreshment Room.'"

Somebody ought to call attention to the public-library sign, "Only low talk is permitted here."

The small boy's parents had distinct ideas of discipline. The walls of the sitting-room were lined with tracts, and the cane was always kept behind "Love one another."

One day everything went wrong, and the little boy was whipped eight times.

After the eighth caning he said, between his sobs, "D-d-don't you think it's t-time to take the cane from behind 'L-love one another' and put it behind 'I n-n-need Thee every hour'?"

Little Jane had long desired a baby sister, and one day she came rushing home in high excitement.

"Oh, mother; come downtown quickly!" she exclaimed. "There are splendid bargains in babies and you can get one while they are cheap."

"What in the world are you talking about, my dear?" the mother asked in astonishment. "Somebody must have been playing a joke on you."

"Truly, truly!" the little girl declared, jumping up and down in her eagerness. "Great big sign about it, on the top of the skating rink. It says, 'This week only, children half price.'"

In Davenport: "We've given a service to our patrons that compels them to think of Crooks when there's any laundry work to be done." On a parsonage door in Trinidad, Colo.: "The last man who tried to work me is in jail." On a tombstone in Batavia: "If we must part let us go together." On State Street: "Open all night. Latest moving pictures." In a Morton Park dance-hall: "Use checkroom. Absolutely no clothes allowed in this room." (Attention of Mayor Harrison.) On Franklin Street: "Reign Umbrella Co." In the Spencer Hotel, Marion, Ind.: "Discourteous treatment, by the waiters, if reported to the proprietor, will be greatly appreciated."

Out in New Mexico even public signs come direct to the point. They do not waste any time in wondering how the reader will feel about it.

In a garage at Albuquerque is posted:

"Don't smoke round the tank! If your life isn't worth anything, gasoline is!"

Another home problem is solved by a firm of cleaners in Grinnell, Iowa, which advertises: "Notice--ladies--why worry about your dirty kids when we clean them for fifteen cents?"

"Our readers," says the Boston Transcript, "often go into movie theaters to laugh, but did you ever realize that you can get many a good laugh by reading the funny wording of some of the signs out in front and in the lobby? We have noticed how audiences enjoy these funny signs which have been shown on the screen in The Literary Digest 'Topics of the Day.' Here are some of the most laughable ones mentioned:

"Movie theater sign:

"'Watch Your Wife'
Every Night This Week."

--_Albany Argus_.

"Sign in front of Harlem movie theater:

"'Mother, I Need You
for Three Days
Beginning Nov. 30'."

"Sign in front of movie house:

"'Geraldine Farrar, supported for the first time by her husband'."

--_Columbus (O.) Citizen_.

"This seems to be a very dangerous precipice," remarked the tourist. "I wonder that they have not put up a warning-board!"

"Yes," answered the guide, "it is dangerous. They kept a warning-board up for two years, but no one fell over, so it was taken down."

Mr. Roberts, a banker in a Western town, was very bald and was in the habit of wearing his hat in the bank during business hours. Every week a negro employee of the bank presented a check and drew his wages. One day, as he was putting the money in a worn and greasy wallet, the banker chanced to pass by, and asked, "Look here, John, why don't you let some of that money stay in the bank and keep an account with us?"

"Well, sah," replied the negro, leaning toward the banker and gazing curiously at the Panama hat he wore, "I'se always afeared. You see, sah, you look like you was always ready to start somewheres."

During revival meetings in a Western city placards giving notices of the various meetings, subjects, etc., were posted in conspicuous places. One day the following was displayed:

"Subject--'Hell: Its Location and Its Absolute Certainty.'

"Thomas Jones, barytone, will sing 'Tell Mother I'll Be There.'"

SILENCE

I think the first virtue is to restrain the tongue; he approaches nearest to the gods who knows how to be silent, even tho' he is in the right.--_Cato_.

Nothing at times is more expressive than silence.--_George Eliot_.

SIMPLIFIED SPELLING

_See_ Spelling.

SIN

NEW CURATE--"What did you think of the sermon on Sunday, Mrs. Jones?"

PARISHIONER--"Very good indeed, sir. So instructive. We really didn't know what sin was till you came here."

Know'st thou not all germs of evil
In thy heart await their time?
Not thyself, but God's restraining,
Stays their growth of crime.

--_Whittier_.

'Tis fearful building upon any sin;
One mischief enter'd, brings another in:
The second pulls a third, the third draws more,
And they for all the rest set ope the door:
Till custom take away the judging sense,
That to offend we think it no offence.

--_Smith_.

_See also_ Lies.

SINGERS

A quartette is where all four think the other three can't sing.

SKEPTICS

The heavy black clouds had massed in the east and west, the lightning was flashing fiercely between the heavy incessant rolling of the thunder.

Francis was terribly frightened, and his fond mother had gathered her young hopeful and tried logically to calm his fears.

"Don't be afraid, darling. There's nothing to fear. God sends the thunderstorm to clear the air, water the flowers, and make it cooler for us. Now, don't cry, dear; it won't harm you, and everything will be better when it's over."

The little fellow listened intently, and as his mother finished he looked up at her gravely and said: "No, no, mother; you talk exactly the way you did last week when you took me to the dentist to have the tooth pulled."

This a sacred rule we find
Among the nicest of mankind,--
To doubt of facts, however true,
Unless they know the causes too.

--_Churchill_.

SLANG

A Franklin professor says slang has its place, and he might have added that the place seems to be everywhere.

"Do Englishmen understand American slang?"

"Some of them do. Why?"

"My daughter is to be married in London, and the earl has cabled me to come across."

SMILES

Smile! Never let your face look like a funeral; look like a search warrant. The bud that cannot blossom dries up in the stock. Smile, if you have to force it.

When your voice sounds like a benediction, when your face looks like an old lemon, folks are sure to sidestep you.

What you give out you are reasonably sure to take in.

Look for a fight and someone will put a black circle round your left eye.

Remember this: The face is more legible than an open book. You can read the face at a distance and get it all at a glance. The book compels you to thumb the leaves.

Smile, you son-of-a-gun, smile!

_If I Knew_

If I knew the box where the smiles are kept,
No matter how large the key,
Or strong the bolt, I would try so hard
'Twould open, I know, for me.
Then over the land and sea, broadcast,
I'd scatter the smiles to play,
That the children's faces might hold them fast
For many and many a day.

If I knew a box that was large enough
To hold all the frowns I meet,
I would like to gather them, every one,
From nursery, school and street.
Then, folding and holding, I'd pack them in,
And, turning the monster key,
I'd hire a giant to drop the box
To the depths of the deep, deep sea.

"Can you tell me what a smile is?" asked a gentleman of a little girl.

"Yes, sir; it's the whisper of a laugh."

SMOKING

"Have a cigar?"

"No--don't smoke now."

"Sworn off?"

"Nope; stopped entirely."

"Your wife doesn't kick about your smoking up the curtains."

"Nope, she can't have both curtains and coupons."

It was on a passenger train. The conductor in passing through observed a man with a cigar in his mouth. "Hey, you can't smoke in here," he bawled out.

"I'm not smoking," quietly replied the passenger.

"Well, you've got a cigar in your face," shot back the conductor.

"Suppose I have," continued the other good naturedly. "I've got feet in my shoes and I'm not walking."

_Mark Twain: A Pipe Dream_

Well I recall how first I met
Mark Twain--an infant barely three
Rolling a tiny cigarette
While cooing on his nurse's knee.

Since then in every sort of place
I've met with Mark and heard him joke,
Yet how can I describe his face?
I never saw it for the smoke.

At school he won a smokership,
At Harvard College (Cambridge, Mass.)
His name was soon on every lip,
They made him "smoker" of his class.

Who will forget his smoking bout
With Mount Vesuvius--our cheers--
When Mount Vesuvius went out
And didn't smoke again for years?

The news was flashed to England's King,
Who begged Mark Twain to come and stay,
Offered his dukedoms--anything
To smoke the London fog away.

But Mark was firm. "I bow," said he,
"To no imperial command,
No ducal coronet for me,
My smoke is for my native land!"

For Mark there waits a brighter crown!
When Peter comes his card to read--
He'll take the sign "No smoking" down,
Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed.

--_Oliver Herford_.

SNOBBERY