Chapter VIII: Part 8

"Oh, no!" replied her mother. "There are no germs on your puppy."

"Yes, there are," insisted the child. "I saw one hop."--_Life_.

GIFTS

When the captain of the fire department was about to resign, his men banded together and purchased an elaborate, embossed silver horn to present to him at a meeting in the town hall. The fireman who was chosen to make the presentation practiced his speech for days beforehand. The chief, who had been informed of what was to happen, also practiced his speech of acceptance. They rehearsed together and were "letter perfect" when they mounted the platform in the town hall. The throng which confronted them had, however, a disastrous effect. Holding the horn at arm's length, the fireman stalked across the platform and with a ghastly expression on his face, said:

"Well, Bill, here's your horn!"

The chief rose slowly to his feet and gasped: "Hell! Is that it?"

Not what we give, but what we share,
For the gift without the giver is bare.

--_Lowell_.

He gives twice who gives quickly.--_Syrus_.

A gallant Tommy, having received from England an anonymous gift of socks, entered them at once, for he was about to undertake a heavy march. He was soon prey to the most excruciating agony, and when, a mere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at the end of a terrible day, he discovered inside the toe of the sock what had once been a piece of stiff writing-paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in bold, feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: "God bless the wearer of this pair of socks!"--_Punch_.

We like the gift when we the giver prize.--_Sheffield_.

_See also_ Christmas gifts.

GIRLS

Son has just begun to go to school, and has much to say about the new little girls he meets, but every few days it is a different girl that attracts him. His mother said, "I'm afraid, son, that you are changeable."

"'Tain't me that changes, mom," he answered; "it's them, when you know them better."

Girls we love for what they are; young men for what they promise to be.--_Goethe_.

GOD

A little girl traveling in a sleeping-car with her parents greatly objected to being put in an upper berth. She was assured that papa, mama, and God would watch over her. She was settled in the berth at last and the passengers were quiet for the night, when a small voice piped:

"Mama!"

"Yes, dear."

"You there?"

"Yes, I'm here. Now go to sleep."

"Papa, you there?"

"Yes, I'm here. Go to sleep like a good girl."

This continued at intervals for some time until a fellow passenger lost patience and called:

"We're all here! Your father and mother and brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts and first cousins. All here. Now go to sleep!"

There was a brief pause after this explosion. Then the tiny voice piped up again, but very softly:

"Mama!"

"Well?"

"Was that God?"

GOLF

FIRST NEWSBOY--"Chimmie's got a job as caddie for a golf club. Is dere much money in dat?"

SECOND DITTO--"De salary ain't much, but dey makes a lot extra backin' up fellers when dey lies about de scores dey made."

An Irishman was suddenly struck by a golf-ball.

"Are you hurt?" asked the player. "Why didn't you get out of the way?"

"An' why should I get out of the way?" asked Pat. "I didn't know there was any assassins round here."

"But I called 'fore,'" said the player, "and when I say 'fore,' that is a sign for you to get out of the way."

"Oh, it is, is it?" said Pat. "Well, thin, whin I say 'foive,' it is a sign that you are going to get hit on the nose. 'Foive.'"

"What do you think is the most difficult thing for a beginner to learn about golf?"

"To keep from talking about it all the time."

The golfer who was employing him was playing very badly, and the caddie threw himself down on the grass at one point and watched him. When the man had at last succeeded in getting his ball out of the bunker, he glanced toward the boy and remarked: "You must be tired, lying down at this time of day."

"I ain't tired of carrying," said the caddie, "but I certainly am tired of counting."

"What is considered a good score on these links?"

"Well, sir," replied the youthful caddie solemnly, "most of the gents tries to do it in as few strokes as they can, but it gin'r'lly takes some more."

"Look, grandpaw, a new gowf ba' I foond, lost on the links."

"Are ye sure it was lost, Sandy?"

"Oo, ay; I saw the mannie an' his caddy lookin' for it."

_Reflections of a Class A Caddie_

One swallow does not make a golfer--it only helps.
You may chip, you may wallop the ball if you will,
But the slash of the duffer will cling round it still.
Look before you cheat.
Every water hole has a silver lining--ask the boat boy.
To stymie is human; to lift up divine.
Half a stroke is better than none.
He laughs last who putts best.
When in doubt, hole out.

Two golf fiends--an Englishman and a Scot--were playing a round together. After the first hole the Englishman asked:

"How many did you take?"

"Eight," replied the Scot.

"Oh, I only took seven, so it's my hole!" exclaimed the Englishman, triumphantly.

After the second hole the Englishman put the same question again. But the Scot smiled knowingly.

"Na, na, ma man," said he; "it's ma turn tae ask first!"

GOSSIP

"They say--"

"Who say?"

"Oh, all the people who don't matter."

"Germany's attitude toward peace is ominous," said General Laurin Lawson at a luncheon in Louisville."

"Germany reminds me, in fact, of the new parlor-maid whose mistress said to her:"

"'And above all things, I expect you to be reticent.'"

"'Yes, ma'am, certainly, of course, ma'am,' said the new maid."

"Then she leaned toward her mistress with shining eyes."

"'And what's there to be reticent about, ma'am?' she asked."

"Now this is a secret and you mustn't tell anybody."

"Rest assured that I won't tell that secret to anybody, dear. I have no desire to figure as a female Rip Van Winkle. That secret is at least three weeks old."

Women talk among themselves about other people. Men talk to other people about themselves.

If you want to know a woman
Who can play a game of tag
With Truth until it's spent beyond repair,
Who can start a thousand rumors,
Set ten thousand tongues a-wag
Till there's nothing left of Gospel in the air,
Who can get you into trouble
And your reputation smirch--
It's Mrs. Grundy
On a Sunday
When she's walking home from church.

--_Katharine Eggleston Roberts_.

"They tell me that woman is a gossip. Do you think she is reliable?"

"I know that whatever she says goes."

"It's just an idle rumor."

"Well, my wife's bridge club is in session. If those ladies get hold of that idle rumor, they'll soon put it to work."

A gossip is one who can make a mountain out of a molehill and then bring it to you.

Conversation being dull at an evening party, the hostess requested one of her guests to go home, that the rest might have somebody to talk about.

GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP

They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Canon.

"Do you know," asked the guide, "that it took millions and millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?"

"Well, well!" ejaculated the traveler. "I never knew this was a government job."

"I presume you're mighty glad the war is over."

"Well, I don' jes' know about dat," answered Mandy. "Cose I'se glad to have my Sam back home an' all dat, but I jes' know I ain't never gwine t'get money from him so regular as I did while he wuz in de Army an' de Government wuz handlin' his financial affairs."

"So you approve of the Government's action in taking over the railroads."

"Yep," replied Mr. Growcher. "I approve of that and prohibition for several reasons, one of them being that now a lot of people can quit lecturing on the subject and go to work."

NULLERFORD--"Do you know anybody who favors government control of the railroads?"

FONDERHAM--"I know one man. He lives fifty miles from the nearest rail; never does any traveling or shipping; has a son who's a conductor, a nephew who's a brakeman, a daughter who works in a railroad office, and two grandsons who are going to be firemen."

GRATITUDE

At least one Washington debutante has candor and humor in large and equal parts. Thus, her denial of a rumor that she was engaged:

"There is not a word of truth in it, but thank God for the report!"

"You did me a favor ten years ago," said the stranger, "and I have never forgotten it."

"Ah," replied the good man with a grateful expression on his face, "and you have come back to repay me?"

"Not exactly," replied the stranger. "I've just got into town and need another favor, and I thought of you right away."

"Thankful? What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills."

"Then, man alive, be thankful you are not one of your creditors."

GUARANTEES

"Say," said the man as he entered the clothing-store. "I bought this suit here less than two weeks ago, and it is rusty-looking already."

"Well," replied the clothing-dealer, "I guaranteed it to wear like iron, didn't I?"

HABIT

Before becoming a hotel clerk he had worked in a grocery store.

"Is Judge David Poggenburg stopping here?" asked an impressive-looking stranger approaching the desk.

"No," replied the clerk with his most winning manner, "but--er--we have something else just as good."

He was engaged to the daughter of a literary man. He was bold as a wooer, but the veriest coward when it came to approaching the fair one's father. So he waited outside the great man's study while the "fayre ladye" did the tackling. In five minutes she was out again and on her dress was pinned a slip of paper bearing the words:

"With the author's compliments."

"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."

"What did she say?"

"Will that be all?"

The two American war correspondents were gazing at the conflict when Winkletop caught sight of a gallant officer leading a charge.

"His face is strangely familiar," he said. "That Greek lieutenant, I mean--"

"Yes," said Blithers. "He used to run the bootblacking stand in that barber-shop over on Steenth Avenue and Umptyiph Street."

And just then the noble warrior dashed madly past, and, forgetting himself under the excitement of the moment, turned and cried aloud to his advancing troops:

"Next! Shine!"

And the indomitable phalanx moved steadily up the hill, giving the enemy the worst polishing-off they had had since war was declared.

RELATIVE--"He is sleeping so quietly that I wonder if we will know when the end comes."

WIFE OF DYING FIRST-NIGHTER--"Yes, we will. He will get up and go out about five minutes before the end."--_Puck_.

HURRY--"What's happened to Speeder. I haven't seen him for weeks?"

CANE--"Oh, he tried all the different makes of cars and then bought an aeroplane."

HURRY--"Has he crashed?"

CANE--"Well, not exactly. He started on a cross-country flight the other day, heard something rattle and absent-mindedly climbed out to look under the machine."

"For ten years," said the new boarder, "my habits were as regular as clockwork. I rose on the stroke of six, and half an hour later was at breakfast; at seven I was at work; dined at one; had supper at six, and was in bed at nine thirty. Ate only plain food, and hadn't a day's illness all the time."

"Dear me!" said a hearer, in sympathetic tones; "and what were you in for?"

DOCTOR--"I have to report, sir, that you are the father of triplets."

POLITICIAN--"Impossible! I'll demand a recount."--_Puck_.

Ill habits gather by unseen degrees,
As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.

--_Dryden_.

"Habit" is hard to overcome.
If you take off the first letter, it does not change "a bit."
If you take off another, you have a "bit" left.
If you take still another the whole of "it" remains.
If you take still another, it is not "t"-totally used up.
All of which goes to show that if you wish to be rid of a
"habit," you must throw it off altogether.

"Why did your wife leave you?"

"Force of habit, I guess. She was a cook before I married her."

BRIGGS--"You mustn't take offense if I speak to you about something I have had on my mind for some time, just a little habit of yours."

GRIGGS--"Certainly not."

BRIGGS--"Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell you before. And you are such a splendid, noble fellow."

GRIGGS--"Yes, yes."

BRIGGS--"You're one of those fellows who never really know what is being said to them; you're always pursuing some train of thought. Anyone can tell half the time you are not listening by the far-away look in your eyes. You've offended a lot of people. Of course, it's terribly rude--only you don't know it. You mustn't any more, old chap (putting his hands on Grigg's shoulder). Promise me you'll quit."

GRIGGS (obliged to face him)--"Just what were you saying?"

"That cashier is a cool chap."

"How so?"

"A thug with a revolver ordered him to hand out the bank's cash yesterday, but he said he couldn't do it unless the thug was identified. This took the fellow so aback, he hesitated a moment and was nabbed."

Some time ago, when a local corps was reviewed by Sir Ian Hamilton, one officer was mounted on a horse that had previously distinguished itself in a bakery business. Somebody recognized the horse, and shouted, "Baker!" The horse promptly stopped dead, and nothing could urge it on.

The situation was getting painful when the officer was struck with a brilliant idea, and remarked, "Not today, thank you." The procession then moved on.

"This makes the fourth time I have had to punish you this week, Sylvester," chided the teacher. "Do you wonder why?"

"Nope!" replied Skinny Smith. "You've got the habit, that's all."

HADES

_See_ Future life.

HAPPINESS

"Happiness is merely a state of mind," quoted the Parlor Philosopher.

"If you mean happiness is imaginary I quite agree with you," replied the Mere Man. "Just watch a fellow enjoying his fifty-cent cigar, when he knows very well it's really the old five-center he used to scorn."

Keep happy when the weather's fair,
Hum with the cheerful throng;
Be glad that God has let you share
The joys of sun and song.
Keep happy when the weather's wet
The sun may hide to-day;
But back of the clouds, I'll bet,
He's smiling, anyway!

--_Luke McLuke_.

All who joy would win
Must share it--Happiness was born a twin.

--_Byron_.

Happiness is not a fixed quantity, like the world's gold supply: so that the more one man has the less his neighbor is likely to have. Real happiness is an infection. You can never force it upon any one. Each individual must "take" it. I have heard people say, as explaining the misery of many, that there is not enough happiness to go around. But the comment misses the very nature of happiness. The more there is in the world, the more there is likely to be. The larger the number of happy people the faster the infection will spread. But each must invite it. One child is happy with the crudest sort of toy, whereas another child is unhappy with an armful of toys. To the latter kind of soul, grown or ungrown, you can never give happiness, for there are not enough toys to supply everybody. Happiness is of the heart not of circumstances.

After reading a poem about a little boy who was so happy because there were lovely flowers, beautiful birds, blue sky and running brooks, eight-year-old William remarked:

"Those things would never make me happy, Miss Jones."

"Why, William," replied his teacher, "what would it take to make you happy?"

"Saturdays!" was the prompt reply.--_Harper's_.

The good fairy brought an ingot of lead and an ingot of gold and laid them before him. "Choose!" she said, simply.

The child thought a moment, and chose the lead.

"It's no heavier to carry, it's just as good to eat, and it won't make everybody hate me!" quoth he.

The good fairy laughed.

"You can be happy without any help from me," she chirped, and flew away.

HASH

The literary boarder fastened his eyes upon the hash.

"Kindly pass the Review of Reviews," he said.

They had hash on Monday for dinner, after a roast of beef on Sunday, as happens in all well-regulated families. Father had said grace, when Bobbie said:

"I don't see why you asked another blessing this evening, father. You did it yesterday over this. It's the same old stuff."

SHE (thoughtfully)--"Did you ever think much about reincarnation, dear?"

'18 (otherwise)--"Think about it? I eat it nearly every day--only we call it hash."

HASTE

Ten people hurry, to catch up where one hurries to get ahead.

The more haste, ever the worst speed.--_Churchill_.

Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too big for him. Haste and hurry are very different things.--_Chesterfield_.

HEAVEN

A Sunday-school teacher was quizzing her class of boys on the strength of their desire for righteousness.

"All those who wish to go to heaven," she said, "please stand."

All got to their feet but one small boy.

"Why, Johnny," exclaimed the shocked teacher, "do you mean to say that you don't want to go to heaven?"

"No, ma'am," replied Johnny promptly. "Not if that bunch is going."

THE COOK--"Sir! Sir! There's a _Zep'lin_ outside and if you don't come wi' the keys of the cellar, we'll all be in--in--heaven in a couple o' minutes!"

THE CURATE--"God forbid!"

One of the prominent deacons in an Ohio church was seriously ill. As he was very popular among the congregation, a bulletin board was posted in front of the church to inform of his condition. It read:

"One o'clock. Deacon Jones very ill."

"Two o'clock. Deacon Jones is worse and sinking rapidly."

"Three o'clock. Deacon Jones dead."

A traveling man passing by that evening read the bulletin and, seeing no one in sight, added at the bottom:

"Seven o'clock. Great excitement in Heaven. Deacon Jones has not arrived. The worst is feared."

"Ma, do cows and bees go to heaven?"

"Mercy, child, what a question! Why?"

"Cause if they don't, the milk and honey the preacher said was up there must be all canned stuff."

"Say, mama, was baby sent down from heaven?"

"Why, yes."

"Um. They like to have it quiet up there, don't they?"

_See also_ Future life.

HELL

_See_ Future life.

HEREDITY

"What is heredity?"

"Something a father believes in until his son starts to act like a fool."

HEROES

"So you won the Distinguished Service Cross for conspicuous bravery in extreme danger. Didn't you feel shaky?"

"Not until I lined up for the general to pin it on me."

An average American soldier.

One opportunity to serve.

Equal parts of danger and courage.

A sense of duty.

A hot enemy fire.

The other day I met in the street a man in uniform. His coat sleeves were embroidered from shoulder to cuff with bars, stripes, insignia and chevrons of the most gorgeous colors and fantastic designs. My curiosity was too much for me, and I was about to stop and question him, when I discovered he had already halted and was bursting to tell me.

"Yes," he announced, "they are every one authorized by the War Department. These three octangular triangles of orange mean my third cousin did a good deal of war work. These ten vertical mauve stripes are ten embarkations; the ten horizontal stripes denote ten times sea-sick."

"Then you never reached France," I sympathized.

"No, but this gray dot indicates extreme disappointment. Now these pink crosses--"

But I hurried off, and almost ran into a limping soldier with only a small gold chevron on each arm. My curiosity again overcame me. "My boy, how came you by those?" I asked, feeling assured he could not say much about only two chevrons. He did not.

"Well," he answered as he passed, "I was abroad for a while, and I happened to kind of go a little lame."

Upon a wharf where the Yanks were disembarking a reporter buttonholed a rosy-cheeked private.

"Are you one of the heroes?" the newspaper man asked, with notebook ready to record a stirring tale of heroism.

"Naw," was the blushing reply. "I'm only a common doughboy. But the lieutenant, over there, is one."

To the officer indicated went the reporter.

"I'm told you're a hero, sir," he said.

"No," laughed the lieutenant. "I merely happened to be on the job when something needed to be done, and I did it. However, I can refer you to the simon-pure article." And he pointed out a sergeant with three wound stripes upon his sleeve.

"Not guilty," declared the sergeant, when questioned. Then, his eyes kindling with admiration, he waved toward a figure standing somewhat aside from the throng. "Talk to the major. You couldn't string on a fat man's bay window the medals he's got, and ought to have."

"Nonsense!" ejaculated the major, amusedly.

"That's what you all say!" cried the reporter, in despair. "Is hero-ing a criminal career?"

Chuckling, the major beckoned to an ebony-hued stalwart.

"Rastus," the major said, when the Senegambian saluted and stepped forward, "this gentleman is looking for a hero. I think you are one."

"You might say I am, sah. Dey wasn't a wusser, dangerouser job in de army dan mine."

"What was it?" eagerly inquired the reporter.

"Mistah," Rastus solemnly informed him. "I drove a mule team plumb thoo dis wah."

--_Terrell Love Holliday_.

"How perfectly splendid to think you're one of the heroes who went over there to die for your country!"

"Like h--- I did, ma'am! I went over to make some other guy die for his."--_Life_.

FATHER (endeavoring to blend instruction and amusement)--"Yes, children, Mr. Lloyd George saved his country just as Joan of Arc saved France."

BRIGHT CHILD--"And when are they going to burn Mr. Lloyd George, daddy?"

HIGH COST OF LIVING

_See_ Cost of living.

HINTING

Despite the chilly spring day little Wilbur was out playing without his coat. This worried a neighbor, but her advice went unheeded. Finally, she said: "Wilbur, go home and get your coat, and when you come back I'll give you a piece of cake."

The bribe worked, and Wilbur soon returned with his coat on and was duly rewarded. Next day he knocked at the door to announce significantly:

"I ain't got my coat on today."

HISTORY

After reading the famous poem, "The Landing of the Pilgrim Fathers," to the class, the teacher said: "As a drawing exercise suppose you each draw, according to your imagination, a picture of Plymouth Rock."

All but one little fellow set to work. He paused and finally raised his hand.

"What is it, Edgar?" the teacher asked.

"Please, ma'am," Edgar piped out, "do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?"

HOME

The beauty of the house is order; the blessing of the house is contentment; the glory of the house is hospitality; the crown of the house is godliness.

Home--The place where we are treated best and grumble most.

Home--A world of strife shut out, and a world of love within.

It is said that home is the place where a man hangs his hat, but with a woman it is different. There is a rocker with a worn cushion, a clock that doesn't keep time, a quilt that is worn, a strip of carpet that is faded, a few old family pictures, an old-fashioned vase, a meat platter, a cup and a few plates that do not match and are chipped around the edges. These, and a few more, known in feminine language as "her own things," are needed, in the final reckoning, to make a place a home for a woman.

"Some day you'll be rich enough to retire from business."

"Give up my nice, pleasant office and stay home?" rejoined Mr. Growcher. "I should say not."

HOME BREW

TIPS--"Why not try a home-brew receipt?"

TAPS--"It's this way. If I meet a friend under the influence of the forbidden, I'm afraid he isn't able to give the receipt correctly, and when I meet a man who has had a few drinks and doesn't feel any happier, I'll be darned if I want the receipt."

LADY--"You say your father was injured in an explosion? How did it happen?"

CHILD--"Well, mother says it was too much yeast, but father says it was too little sugar."

Country people call them cellars; city people call them basements, and some people should call them breweries.

"Did you ever hear about that home brew blowing up?"

"Yes," replied Uncle Bill Bottletop. "If the appropriations for prohibition enforcement don't hold up, maybe we can curb the liquor evil by bringin' it under the regulations provided for handling high explosives."

A Detroit firm advertises "The ideal still survives." A good many people interested suddenly in the raisin crop, who have been trying to construct home-made stills, will be hard to convince that any still survives--much less an ideal one.

HOMELINESS

_See_ Beauty, Personal.

HOMESICK

"You ought to be contented and not fret for your old home," said the mistress as she looked into the dim eyes of her young Swedish maid. "You are earning good wages, your work is light, every one is kind to you, and you have plenty of friends here."

"Yas'm," said the girl, "but it is not the place where I do be that makes me vera homesick; it is the place where I don't be."

HONESTY

"No," said the old man, sternly. "I will not do it. Never have I sold anything by false representation, and I will not begin now."

For a moment he was silent, and the clerk who stood before him could see that the better nature of his employer was fighting strongly for the right.

"No," said the old man, again. "I will not do it. It is an inferior grade of shoe, and I will never pass it off as anything better. Mark it, 'A Shoe Fit for a Queen,' and put it in the window. A queen does not have to do much walking."

George, the elderly waiter, entered the office of the famous solicitor who usually lunched at his table in a certain restaurant and asked to see the chief.

"Well, George," asked the man of law, when the waiter was shown in, "what can I do for you? In trouble?"

"No, sir, not exactly that; but I've got a chance of a good job at the Hotel Splendide, and I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to write me a testimonial, saying I'm a good waiter, and honest, and so forth, sir?"

"Well, George, of course I know you're a good waiter, but I don't know anything else about you. How do I know, for example, that you're honest?"

"Oh, well, I am, sir! You'll be quite safe in saying that."

"Very good. I'll write it, then."

"Thank you very much indeed, sir! And if at any time you come to the Splendide and want a good lunch or dinner, be sure to come to my tables, and I'll make you out a bill at half-price."

Aye, sir: to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man
pick'd out of two thousand.--_Shakespeare_.

Two piles of apples lay on the ground. One contained a large-sized and rosy selection; the fruit of the other was green and small.

"Large on the top, sir, and small at the bottom?" inquired the new assistant of his master, as he prepared to fill a barrel.

"Certainly not!" replied the farmer, virtuously. "Honesty is the best policy, my boy. Put the little apples at the top, and the large ones at the bottom."

The assistant complied. His master was evidently as green as his greenest fruit.

"Is the barrel full, my lad?" asked the farmer.

"Yes," answered the assistant.

"Good." said the farmer, "Now turn it upside down and label it!"

The man who fails to keep his word, soon finds that he cannot give his word.

"Do you believe honesty is the best policy?" "Well, it has the deferred dividend feature."

A Vermonter had returned home after a visit to Boston. Someone asked him what he thought of the big city.

"It's a fine place, all right, but the folks there ain't honest," he replied.

"Not honest! Where'd you get that idea?"

"Why, I bought a roll of pins there labeled 'A Hundred Pins for Five Cents,' and coming home on the train I counted them; they were eleven short."

HORSES

Two men thrown together at a horse-show were discussing their adventures with the equine tribe.

"A horse ran away with me once, and I wasn't out for two months," remarked the man with the Trilby hat.

"That's nothing!" replied the man with the bowler. "I ran away with a horse once, and I wasn't out for two years!"

A motor car was held up in a busy street by a wagon drawn by two horses. The driver seemed in no hurry to get out of the way, and at length one of the occupants of the motor car exclaimed sarcastically:

"Here, I say, my man! What are those things you are driving? What are they for, I should like to know?"

"These 'ere, guv'nor?" answered the carter, flicking the horses with his whip. "Oh, these is wot is commonly called 'orses, an' they're sometimes used fer to take motorists to the 'orspital!"

"Do you think the motor will entirely supersede the horse?"

"I hope not," replied Farmer Corntossel. "There must be some market fur hay. I depend on what I make on hay to buy gasoline."

HOSPITALITY

Uncle Tobey was an hospitable soul. He wanted no guest in his house to be stinted. "Have some, have some," he invited cordially at the supper-table, sending around the platter for the third time; "we're going to give it to the pigs anyway."--_Judge_.

Blest be that spot, where cheerful guests retire
To pause from toil, and trim their evening fire.
Blest that abode, where want and pain repair,
And every stranger finds a ready chair;
Blest be those feasts with simple plenty crown'd,
Where all the ruddy family around
Laugh at the jest or pranks, that never fail,
Or sigh with pity of some mournful tale,
Or press the bashful stranger to his food,
And learn the luxury of doing good.

--_Goldsmith_.

It is not the quantity of the meat but the cheerfulness of the guests which makes the feast.--_Clarendon_.

BAILIE MCTAVISH--"An' so ye leave Glesca' on Monday. What are ye daein the morrow nicht?"

MR. JARVIE--"Tomorrow, Thursday, I've no engagement."

BAILIE--"An' the nixt nicht."

MR. J.--"I'm free then, too."

BAILIE--"An' what will ye be daein on Saturday?"

MR. J.--"On Saturday I dine with the Buchans."

BAILIE--"What a peety! Aa wanted ye to take dinner wi'us on Saturday."

A Quaker had gotten himself into trouble with the authorities and the sheriff called to escort him to the lock-up.

"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to the door.

"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in."

The sheriff entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and was hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. At last the sheriff grew impatient.

"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me."

"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy looks and has gone another way."

"My wife thinks we run a hospitable house. What's your notion of a hospitable house?"

"Oh, for me, I feel that it's a hospitable house when in the come and go of company enough umbrellas are left to keep it supplied."

HOSPITALS

A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called the first evening she was there and inquired how she was getting along. He was told that she was improving.

Next day he called again, and was told she was still improving. This went on for some time, each day the report being that his wife was improving.

Finally one day he called and said:

"How iss my wife?"

"She's dead."

He went out and met a friend, and the friend said:

"Well, how is your wife?"

"She's dead"

"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?"

"Improvements!"

HOTEL BIBLES

_Safety_

Once upon a time there lived an elderly millionaire who had four nephews. Desiring to make one of these his heir, he tested their cleverness.

He gave to each a $100.00 bill, with the request that they hide the bills for a year in the city of New York.

Any of them who should succeed in finding the hidden bill at the end of the year should share in the inheritance.

The year being over, the four nephews brought their reports.

The first, deeply chagrined, told how he had put his bill in the strongest and surest safe deposit vault, but, alas, clever thieves had broken in and stolen it.

The second had put his in charge of a tried and true friend. But the friend has proved untrustworthy and had spent the money.

The third had hidden his bill in a crevice in the floor of his room, but a mouse had nibbled it to bits to build her nest.

The fourth nephew calmly produced his $100.00 bill, as crisp and as fresh as when it had been given him.

"And where did you hide it?" asked his uncle.

"Too easy! I stuck it in a hotel bible."

--_Carolyn Wells_.

HOTELS

A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistling loudly.

"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it is against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on duty."

"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones' dog."

A tall, gaunt-looking person recently entered a hotel in a town where several fires had occurred and applied for a room at a price which entitled him to lodging on the top floor of the house. Among his belongings the proprietor noticed a coil of rope, and asked what it was for.

"That's a fire escape," said the man, "I carry one with me so I can let myself down from the window without troubling anyone."

"Good plan," said the landlord, "but guests with fire escapes like that pay in advance at this hotel."

DEPARTING GUEST--"Enjoyed ourselves? Oh yes! What I'm upset about is leaving your hotel so soon after I've bought it."

A commercial traveler, on leaving a certain hotel, said to the proprietor: "Pardon me, but with what material do you stuff the beds in your establishment?"

"Why," said the landlord, proudly, "with the best straw to be found in the whole country!"

"That," returned the traveler, "is very interesting. I now know whence the straw came that broke the camel's back."

ARCHITECT (enthusiastically showing plans of hotel)--"On the first floor, next to the dining-room, is the ladies' smoking-room; over here is the men's writing-room; here is the blue lecture-room where the suffrage meetings are to be held; next to it is the pink tea-room. Directly over it, on the second floor, is the music-room, where the Tuesday recitals will be given; behind it is the little theater for the Saturday tableaux. The ballroom is on the third floor, and on the fourth--"

HOTEL PROPRIETOR (interrupting)--"That's all very nice. But where are the guests' rooms?"

ARCHITECT--"Bless my soul! I forgot all about them!"

"John, dear," wrote a lady from the Capital, "I enclose the hotel bill."

"Dear Jane, I enclose a check," wrote John in reply; "but please don't buy any more hotels at this price--they are robbing you!"

A traveler who alighted from the train in a small Southern town was greeted by a colored porter, who shouted at him, "Palace hotel, boss!" and grabbed the traveler's baggage, and the latter said, "Wait a minute, Rastus. Is this hotel American or European?" and Rastus replied, "I dunno, boss, but I thinks they'se Irish."

"Where's that hotel that used to advertise, 'All the Comforts of Home for One Dollar'?"

"Busted up. The hotel opposite put up a sign: 'None of the Discomforts of Home for Two Dollars.'"

Miss Muffit had recently joined the "Band of Sisters for Befriending Burglars" and was being shown over a prison for the first time.

One prisoner, evidently a man of education, interested her more than the others. He rose and bowed to her when she entered his cell, apologizing for the poorness of his apartment.

Miss Muffit could not help wondering how this refined man came within the clutches of the law. In fact, as she was leaving his cell she said:

"May I ask you why you are in this distressing place?"

"Madam," he replied, "I am here for robbery at a seaside hotel!"

"How very interesting!" said Miss Muffit. "Were you--er--the proprietor?"

"Would you like some views of the hotel to send to your friends?"

"Sir," said the disgruntled guest, "I presume it will be better for me to keep my views to myself."

"We will do our best, Mr. Sprawl, to make you feel at home here," smiled the hotel clerk, who had acquired the idea that it pays to be good and kind to all.

"You needn't to mind, sir," replied Sanford Sprawl, of Puxico. "That's just what I came away from home to get a change from. What I want is to feel like I'm at a hotel."

HOUSING PROBLEM

After trying in vain for months to get a house, Brown set out one day with a find-a-house-or-die look on his face. He wandered about all day without being successful, till at last his steps led him to the river.

"Ah!" he said in utter despair, "how tempting it looks!" He was almost inclined to plunge in and end it all.

All of a sudden he heard a splash and, looking around, he saw his friend Green struggling in the water. Without attempting to save him he rushed off to the local house agent.

"Quick!" he gasped. "Green has fallen in the river. Can I have his house?"

"Sorry," said the house agent. "I've already let it to the man who pushed him in."

The difficulty of finding a house is not exclusively an eastern problem. Out in Kansas, for instance, a native observed a stranger looking around and ventured to say, "Good morning, sir, House hunting?"

"Yes," replied the stranger. "I wonder if it could have blown this far."

JUDGE--"You are accused of speeding. What have you to say in your defense?"

PRISONER--"I heard of a house for rent and was trying to get there first."

"The case is dismissed."

The taxi-driver turned at the end of the second hour and eyed his client suspiciously.

"Are you taking me by the hour or by the day?" he asked.

"By the year," responded the haggard passenger. "I'm looking for a home!"

VISITOR--"What's that new building on the hill yonder?"

FARMER--"Well, if I find a tenant for it, it's a bungalow; if I don't, it's a barn."

OWENS--"My landlord has ordered me out because I can't pay my rent."

BOWENS--"Glad I met you. So has mine. Let's change quarters."

MR. MCNAB (after having his lease read over to him)--"I will not sign that: I havena' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an' I'm no' guan tae tackle aboot a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street!"

_See also_ Apartments.

HUNGER

OLD LADY (to mendicant)--"But--my good man, your story has such a hollow ring."

"Yes, missis--that's the natural result of speaking with an empty stummick."

Hunger is the teacher of the arts and the bestower of invention.--_Persius_.

HUNTING

As the camper was cleaning his gun, along came a woodsman.

"Been hunting today?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Shot anything?"

"I don't know yet. I'm waiting for the rest of the party to get into camp so we can call the roll."

FIRST SIMPLE NIMROD--"Hey, don't shoot. Your gun isn't loaded."

HIS PARTNER--"Can't help that; the bird won't wait."

The very small boy with the very large gun was standing in a country road.

"What are you hunting, bub?" asked a passer-by.

"I dunno," he replied, frankly. "I ain't seen it yet."

HURRY

_See_ Haste.

HUSBANDS

To say of a man that he will make a good husband is much the same sort of a compliment as to say of a horse that he is perfectly safe for a woman to drive.--_Puck_.

If you marry a widow it is safe to take one whose first trial served a term in jail, then you won't have the perfect example always held up before you.

"Mother," asked Tommy, "do fairy tales always begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

"No, dear, not always; they sometimes begin with 'My love, I have been detained at the office tonight'"

"William," snapped the dear lady, viciously, "didn't I hear the clock strike two as you came in?" "You did, my dear. It started to strike ten, but I stopped it to keep it from waking you up."

"I hear you are going to marry Archie Blueblood?" said one society woman to another. "Is it true?"

"Marry him?" exclaimed the other. "Not likely. What on earth could I do with him? He's rejected from the Army, he can't ride, he can't play tennis, golf, nor, for that matter, can he even drive a motor-car!"

"Oh!" said the friend, "but he can swim beautifully, you know."

"Swim, indeed! Now, I ask you, would you like a husband you had to keep in an aquarium?"

To observe Washington's birthday, in a fitting manner, a teacher in a Yonkers school told in detail the life of the first President of the United States. She emphasized his honesty, sincerity, bravery and self-reliance. At the close of her discourse, she put this question to the class:

"What high office in a nation could such a wonderful man fill?"

A flaxen-haired boy of ten, sitting in a rear seat, raised his hand and blushingly replied: "He'd make a nice husband."

"How's your husband getting along, Mrs. Fogarty?"

"Well, sometimes he's better an' sometimes he's worse, but from the way he growls an' takes on whin he's better, Oi think he's better whin he's worse."

SHE--"I wonder why men lie so?"

HE--"Because their wives are so inquisitive."

HUBBY--"I don't believe in parading my virtues."

WIFE--"You couldn't, anyway. It takes quite a number to make a parade."

"Why do you feed every tramp who comes along? They never do any work for you."

"No," said his wife, "but it is quite a satisfaction to me to see a man eat a meal without finding fault with the cooking."

The husband arrived home much later than usual "from the office." He took off his boots and stole into the bedroom. His wife began to stir. Quickly the panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his first-born and began to rock it vigorously.

"What are you doing there, Robert?" queried his wife.

"I've been sitting here for nearly two hours trying to get this baby to sleep," he growled.

"Why, Robert, I've got him here in bed with me," replied his wife.

A teacher was trying to explain the dangers of overwork to one of the smaller pupils.

"Now, Tommy," she pursued, "if your father were busy all day and said he would have to go back to the office at night, what would he be doing?"

"That's what ma wants to know."

HE--"If I were to die you'd never get another husband like me."

SHE--"What makes you imagine I should ever want another like you?"

MRS. BLANK (to laundress)--"And how is your newly married daughter getting on, Mrs. Brown?"

MRS. BROWN--"Oh, nicely, thank you, ma'am. She finds her husband a bit dull; but then, as I tells her, the good ones are dull."

JUNKMAN--"Any rags, paper, old iron to sell?"

HEAD OF HOUSE (irately)--"No--go away--my wife's away for the summer."

JUNKMAN (smiling)--"Any empty bottles?"

_Situation: Buglar, caught red-handed, arraigned in court_

WOMAN--"The sorce o' the feller! 'E pretended to be my 'usband and called out, 'It's all right, darlin'--it's only me.' It was the word 'darlin' wot give 'im away."--_Punch (London)_.

"Henry," said his father-in-law, as he called his daughter's spouse into the library and locked the door, "you have lived with me now for over two years."

"Yes, father."

"In all that time I haven't asked you a penny for board."

"No, sir." (Wonderingly.)

"In all your little family quarrels I have always taken your part."

"Always, sir."

"I have even paid some of your bills."

"A good many, father."

"Then the small favor I am about to ask you will no doubt be granted?"

"Most certainly, sir."

"Thanks. Then I want you to tell your mother-in-law that those tickets for the supper-club dance which she picked up in my room this morning must have accidentally fallen out of your pocket, and we'll call it square!"

One morning, Mollie, the colored maid, appeared before her mistress, carrying, folded in a handkerchief, a five-dollar gold piece and all her earthly possessions in the way of jewelry.

This package she proferred her mistress, with the request that Miss Sallie take it for safe keeping.

"Why, Mollie!" exclaimed the mistress in surprise. "Are you going away?"

"Naw'm, I ain' goin' nowheres," Mollie declared. "But me an' Jim Harris we wuz married this mawnin'. Yas.'m, Jim, he's a new nigger in town. You don' know nothin' 'bout him, Miss Sallie. I don' know nothin' 'bout him myself he's er stranger to me."

Miss Sallie glanced severely at the little package of jewelry.

"But, Mollie," she demanded, "don't you trust him?"

"Yas'm," replied Mollie, unruffled. "Cose I trus' him, personally--but not wid ma valuables."

It is necessary to be almost a genius to make a good husband.--_Balzac_.

Jennie, the colored maid, arrived one morning with her head swathed in bandages--the result of an argument with her hot-tempered spouse.

"Jennie," said her mistress, "your husband treats you outrageously. Why don't you leave him?"

"Well, I don' 'zactly wants to leave him."

"Hasn't he dragged you the length of the room by your hair?" demanded her mistress.

"Yas'm he has done dat."

"Hasn't he choked you into insensibility?"

"Yas'm he sho has choked me."

"And now doesn't he threaten to split your head with an ax?"

"Yas'm he has done all dat," agreed Jennie, "but he ain' done nothin' yet so bad I couldn't live wid him."

_See also_ Carelessness; Domestic finance.

HYPOCRISY

Hypocrisy will serve as well
To propagate a church, as zeal;
As persecution and promotion
Do equally advance devotion:
So round white stones will serve, they say,
As well as eggs to make hens lay.

--_Samuel Butler_.

There is no vice so simple, but assumes
Some mark of virtue on his outward parts.

--_Shakespeare_.

Thus 'tis with all--their chief and constant care
Is to seem everything but what they are.

--_Goldsmith_.

Dare to be true. Nothing can need a lie;
A fault which needs it most grows two thereby.

--_Herbert_.

HYSTERICS

Father, teaching his six-year-old son arithmetic by giving a problem to his wife, begs his son to listen:

FATHER--"Mother, if you had a dollar and I gave you five more, what would you have?"

MOTHER (replying absently)--"Hysterics."

"IF"

_See_ Fords.

IGNORANCE

A professor noted among his students for the caustic wit had in one of his classes, one year, a young man who was both ignorant and conceited. One morning he made a specially self-satisfied display of both these characteristics, and the professor said he would like to see him at the end of the hour.

When he came up after the lecture, the professor asked: "You are Mr. Junkins?"

"Yes, sir."

"Have you a visiting card?"

"I--I--yes, sir," stammered the puzzled student.

"Then, Mr. Junkins," the professor said dryly, "write down on your visiting card all that you know, and bring it to me tomorrow."

ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS

Returning home from a scientific meeting one night, a college professor, who was noted for his concentration of thought, was still pondering deeply on the subject that had been under discussion. Upon entering his room he heard a noise that appeared to come from under the bed.

"Is there any one there?" he asked, absently.

"No, professor," answered the intruder, knowing his peculiarities.

"That's strange," murmured the professor. "I was almost sure I heard some one under the bed."

IMITATION

Imitation is a confession of limitation.

Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.--_Colton_.

IMMIGRANTS

_See_ Board of health.

IMPUDENCE

_Put in the Bill_

When in Canada last, Mr. Kipling was so dissatisfied with the hotel accommodations that he gave the landlord a severe call-down. Said he: "Of all the hotels under the shining sun, I have never been in one that for unmitigated, all-round, unendurable discomfort could equal yours."

After the landlord had withdrawn in great indignation, Kipling asked for his bill, and he discovered that the last item was, "To impudence--three dollars."

He that has but impudence,
To all things has a fair pretence;
And puts among his wants but shame,
To all the world may lay his claim.

--_Butler_.

There is no better provision for life than impudence and a brazen face.--_Menander_.

INCOME TAX

We saw Diogenes the other day with his lantern.

"Still looking for an honest man?" we asked.

He shook his head mournfully.

"No. I gave that up long ago. I wish I'd stuck to it. It wasn't half so hopeless as what I'm doing now."

He certainly did look despondent, and our hearts went out to him.

"What are you looking for now, then?" we asked.

He sighed. "I'm looking for a congressman who made out his income tax without anybody's help."

We don't know who it was who wrote the income-tax blank, but we are certain that he stole his style either from Robert Browning or Henry James.

_Income Tax Tips_

(_All replies to questions in this column given free of tax._)

PUZZLED--Don't be bluffed. Simply put all extra leaves in dining-room table, grasp tax return firmly with both hands, and throw it flat on its back. When you have it down brand it on first page with hot ink.

C.H.--Yes, algebra may be used in figuring your return. Personally we employ trigonometry, altho many prefer calculus and a couple of lawyers.

TAXPAYER--Your problem is as clear as a Chinese laundryticket. Simply deduct the net profit of losses (plus inventories at end of year) and add income from salaries, wages, bonuses, director's fees, and pensions. Nothing to it!

J.J.C.--Refer to Table 113 on Page 11, Section 28, Part IV of return. Then if Item 86, Schedule V, line 7, exceeds the sum stated in Item 21, Page 9, Schedule Z, get another blank form.

CONFUSED--No, you should have figured the amounts in Items 34, 60, and 69 as net losses from Wear and Tear, Obsolescense and Depletion Charged Off (see K (2) on Page 8 of Instructions) before entering total in Item 94, Schedule O. It's perfectly simple.

L.F.--Don't worry about your next year's tax. You may not have any income.

_See also_ Profiteers.

INDUSTRY

Andrew Carnegie was once asked which he considered to be the most important factor in industry--labor, capital, or brains? The canny Scot replied with a merry twinkle in his eye, "Which is the most important leg of a three-legged stool?"

Industry is not only the instrument of improvement, but the foundation of pleasure. He who is a stranger to it may possess, but cannot enjoy; for it is labor only which gives relish to pleasure. It is the appointed vehicle of every good to man. It is the indispensable condition of possessing a sound mind in a sound body.--_Blair_.

Protected industry, careering far,
Detects the cause and cures the rage of war,
And sweeps, with forceful arm; to their last graves,
Kings from the earth and pirates from the waves.

--_Joel Barlow_.

In every rank, or great or small,
'Tis industry supports us all.

--_Gay_.

The great end of all human industry is the attainment of happiness.--_Hume_.

"From what you tell me, Sam, you have been a busy man all your life."

"Yes, sah; yes, sah."

"You've done a great deal in your time and day, Sam, I guess."

"Yes, sah. Dat is, I's done a good lot in mah day, but it was in de boss's time, sah."

INFANTS

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank-roll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.

A small boy was taken to see the new baby, whom he eyed very critically. "Why, he's got no hair, father," was his first remark. The fact was admitted. "And he's got no teeth, father," was the next comment. The circumstances could not be denied. "I tell you what, father," was the final observation, "you've been swindled; he's an old one."

THE VISITOR--"Does your new baby brother cry much, Ethel?"