Chapter XXII: How Smooth Got His Manners

"Readers, and fellow citizens of these United States in general! know ye, that I, Solomon Smooth, in the first person singular, as Uncle Sam Houston used to say, being worn out with the fatigues of the Ostend-Aix-la-Chapelle Congress, crossed the Atlantic in two steamships--wanted to do both a good turn--got busted up by neither--and at last found myself calmly luxuriating in the velvet and damask of the 'White House.' By way of keeping up the spirit of Young America, I knocked down all the attendants, stalked in like an independent citizen who felt he was part owner of the establishment, spread myself upon the softest sofa, and demanded the flunkey, who stood trembling in the doorway, to bring me a Turkey ottoman, on which to advantageously take the measure of my extremes. Believe me, Sam, I went it in the way of comforts. The flunkey shook his head, and kept up a significant silence. This was rather too much for the patience of any respectable gentleman; and being aware that the Gineral had not larned him proper manners, I got up and brought it myself. Nor yet did it seem just the thing--something was wanting to complete the free-and-easy, to which end I pulled out a real Havana regalia, and puffed away so comfortably. Then I ordered the flunkey, whose hair was seen stiffening on his head with fright, to bring me a spittoon--felt sorry I neglected to import one from some of our European Legations!--or I'd hurl the liquid every which way--perhaps storm his high-colored Persian rugs! I was about to lay off in the very bliss of comfort, when Pierce, followed by his black pig, came laraping into the room, looking as amiable and undecided as ever. 'Smooth,' he exclaimed, greeting me with a heartiness of hand little expected, 'I am so glad to see you home once more!' Here he suddenly paused, gave out ominous looks, lowered his voice to a whisper, and continued: 'In the name of forgiveness, where did you contract such manners?' A little cold sweat bespread his brow just then. 'Upon the faith of my high position,' he continued, 'I thought my sending you to Europe would have proved a polishing machine, and prepared you for shining in society.'

"'Mr. Smooth,' I modestly returned, 'would prefer the General sat down and calmly listen to how he came by his pretty manners. Somebody has said, a man was known by the society he keeps. Be this as it may, General, I don't come here to cast a single reflection on you; nor would I proclaim to the fellow citizens of these United States that you are in any wise accountable for what I am going to say and disclose.' The General, somewhat struck by my demeanor, took a seat, nervously, and applied his ear, while I extinguished the cigar, and commenced summoning my thoughts. 'Having no manners when I left home, General, I naturally depended for them upon those whom my mission brought me in contact with. Now, General!--and this I would were held strictly confidential between ourselves--when I got on the other side of the water, (here I gave him a touch he understood), being your Minister in General I naturally fell in and associated with your Ministers in particular; and such a lot they were! I couldn't trust my virtue in the company of one of them: albeit, in their company, you were sure not to get into decent society. Foreign victims of misgovernment had long viewed America as a land from whence came the plain unostentatious gentleman of sense. How sad to think that they had of late been so grievously disappointed! They are only men of coarse manners, and low of bringing up, assuming the democrat, while aping the snobism of the aristocrat. General, they are of your own selecting; and, mark me, I only name it here out of sincere regard for you, not expecting it to get abroad. In fact, General, the people of Europe find they have been deluded. They see us affecting contempt for the very fooleries we seek to imitate; they see these, your chosen, playing the coarse ruffian to the end. To the foreign mind Americans are America--to its chosen they look for the embodiment of its institutions It cannot comprehend that the mongrel-mixture you have sent abroad constitute the very essence of that ill opinion gained of us by misrepresentation. This, General, is strictly private--only intended for your own good. It were folly to look for pretty manners in me after my connection with your chosen on the continent of Europe! In London I found things all in a fuddle,--the head of the house having dwindled into obscurity, while the juniors had been in all sorts of business but that for which they had been paid and sent to discharge; indeed, the revolutionary business, into which members of the house had largely entered, had brought it into all sorts of difficulties and disgraces. Again it was currently reported that, for being too deeply engaged in the affairs of others, two of the smaller functionaries had found themselves locked up in a police-station, and only unlocked themselves with that protection which the sacred character of the mission is supposed to grant:--in fact, General, and I advance the intimation for your own good, the only thing in real good order was the smoking and spitting department. In Paris the house was a dead lock, inasmuch as the head couldn't understand a word the French said, either about himself or his government; while the retinue were all familiarly known at the cafes. In Madrid, the head of the house, not having the value of discretion before his eyes, had fuzzled away all his influence, having fought sundry duels, written himself down an ass in controversy with editors, and failed in his proposal to build up a young republic on the ruins of an old and dissolute monarchy. Forcibly as the truth may depict our singular misrepresentation abroad, we cannot forbear to say, that, so far did this very French-American representative carry his fighting proclivities, that a single instance of their being excelled--our fighting London Secretary, who had challenged a score of very aged gentlemen (and had been equally courageous were they double the age!) without finding a single one to accept--could not be found. At the Hague, the very respectable Hebrew gentleman, who conducted the affairs of the house, had opened a barber-shop, where needy gentlemen could be shaved _ad libitum_--provided always they brought a certain description of notes, nor were dainty about how much were taken off the corner. The house at Lisbon, report said, had got into very orderly disorder, which was not in accordance with the character of the very respectable Irish gentleman who kept it, and who could absorb whiskey and tobacco with any other respectable gentleman from Kilkenny. To the denizens, among whom he had made an extensive acquaintance, his being an American and speaking such very good Irish and bad English was a perfect mystery. You may be sure he likes well his situation, and finds the duties of a Minister Extraordinary much preferable to leading the retreat of a _pampero_ expedition.' Here the General significantly opened one eye and shut the other: 'Only telling you this for your own good' I watched him anxiously as he grasped me by the hand, and replied: 'Smooth! the boldest stroke in my administration does not please me so much as sending you Minister in General to Europe. But can half you say be true?'

"'True?' I rejoined--'too true for delicate ears! General, you may accept my word when I say it is not so much the public duties as the private affairs of men you have got to keep a close eye upon; when the private affairs of public men get astray the public suffers: this is borne out in the result of your having appointed foreign gentlemen to misrepresent us abroad. Your house at Turin is fashionable, but sorely scandalized; the people there love the _fair_, but expect fairer things of Americans. Your son of Moses, who plays so well his part at Alexandria, is a bird vain of his feather, and may to-day be seen carried through the streets in something resembling a clothes-basket, and to-morrow in the market purchasing Nubian slaves fair to look upon. These things may be necessary to a very fine gentleman in Alexandria; but the being who performs them at the expense of his country well earns the pity of its people. And while I am on this theme, General, I cannot in justice pass over one whom I say in all seriousness has, when contrasted with others, won for himself immortal honors; I mean our worthy representative at St. Petersburg, who understanding no language but his own, and that very imperfectly, has the great good sense to say nothing, seclude himself from the society of the Czar, and seek only the enjoyment of his own melancholy contemplations. Now General; however much you may esteem the doings of your chosen, there is in Europe but one opinion of their manners; and that opinion being, I regret to say, not the very highest, will for some time to come measure our influence at sundry Courts. I got my manners, General, by mixing with your chosen!' The General here drew a long breath, said dinner was almost ready; would I not change the subject, and talk about the war business, and such things.