Chapter XVII

SMOOTH SETTLES ALL INTERNATIONAL DIFFICULTIES.

"Smooth, on returning to the arms of Mr. Pierce, concluded it would not be bad policy to touch at Halifax, meet Uncle John Bull's Commissioner, and with him make a final settlement of all international questions. And now, being alongside of George's Island, which rises abruptly in the centre of Halifax harbor, and nearly opposite the old tower on Point Pleasant--and from which a splendid view of the surrounding country may be obtained, I feel a desire to relate some scenes of singular import which have been enacted in this place. My respect for the feelings of great men and governors, however, causes me to withhold some few of them. Indeed, my character for modesty being pretty well established, I am more than cautions how I bring it in contact with the nervous system of such gentry. Nevertheless, seeing that not uncommonly the greatest and most powerful nations turn the smallest beings into very great men, and spend no end of money to do nobody any good, a short, and I may say, a very modest account from the catalogue of my experience, may not be out of place. Well, I, Smooth, _Minister-in-General to General Pierce_, received, in addition to my own previous conclusion, an incentive to the object in view, conveyed in a dispatch from my Grandpapa Marcy, in which he advised the repairing immediately to Halifax, there to witness the grand battle that was to for ever settle the fish question, and give peace to fishermen and fish in general. It was sincerely hoped that in the settlement of this long unsettled question, Mr. Pierce would keep his black-pig at home. The result proved the mistake: war was declared. And the day on which the great struggle would be decided ushered in upon a scene at once gloomy and ominous. Mysterious and fleecing clouds now obscured the heavens, and again shadowed with their silvery mists the surface of the sullen stream. A contest of mighty import was to be decided. The hazard was great, but the point to be gained small indeed; and men moved along the busy streets whispering their strong misgivings. Monster war-ships, with ponderous engines supplied, rode like sleeping demons upon the water's leaden surface. An hour of anxiety passed, a signal of war echoed forth, and murmured over the landscape like distant thunder coursing along the heavens. Then the murmuring sound re-echoed, as if the battlements above had opened upon the earth and sea. Soon Britannia's wooden walls were seen veering into line and preparing for action; America's ranged in the same order, waiting the dread moment. Anxious eyes and thoughts strained in expectation of the bloody struggle; then the boatswain's shrill whistle sounded forth, the leaden clouds overhead chased away, and bolder outlined became the figures of venerable Admirals, who, immersed in glittering uniforms, paced their quarter-decks. Again the ominous mouths of fierce cannon suddenly protruded more savagely from the sides of the huge hulks, and the shrill whistle sounded; all was bustle and confusion--eager thousands of both sexes crowded wharves lining the shore, and many struggled for space to stand upon while witnessing the terrible conflict. Again all was hushed into stillness; in breathless suspense did excitement sit on every countenance, as if waiting for the signal flash soon to break forth and turn everything into a chaos. A quarter-master was seen passing a speaking trumpet to the burly old British admiral, who, judging from his deportment, might have supplied the place of a rare curiosity in any cabinet of ancient relics. With it in his hand the ancient veteran mounted a gun on the starboard quarter, and shouted forth the ominous sound: 'I accept your challenge--all ready?' A terrible movement was now perceptible among the spectators on shore.

"'You ill-treated myself and officers while on shore a few days ago; and you shall pay the penalty of your insult. I'll lick you; I'll be damned if I don't,' answered the American, saucily.

"'You're spunk; but we'll take a little of it out, by the way of reducing your pretensions--that's all. Now, my good cousin, just look out for the shivering of your timbers. I'm going to load with grape, a jolly mixture I shall slap right into you.'

"'That's e'en jist the medicine!' rejoined the Yankee: that's jist what I'm going to load with; and if it won't kill, we'll take cogniac canister! But old fellow, we'll larn ye how the Britishers can't take the spunk out of us Yankees: s'pose ye come on board my craft, lay off yer old notions, and play the good fellow in the jolly free-and-easy way. We'll then consider the horrors of war; and see if the matter can't be discussed in a different way atween decks.'

"'Well, seeing it's you--not a bad sort of a chap, by the way, I don't much care if I do; but don't let go any grape until I gets under yer lee--perhaps we'd better fight it out on your gun-deck. Captain, my dear fellow (here the captain looked as good-natured as a turtle studying law) any way to suit your own canister!' returned the rear-admiral of Uncle John's best blue.

"'I say, while you are about it, Admiral,' rejoined the Yankee, with a sort of half flirtish, half earnest air--while you are about to come broad on, just bring all the good folks with you--and don't forget the ladies; bring them, too. There's nothing like plenty of fair faces when a strong battle is to be fought!' This was a right good say on the part of Commodore Shubrick (such was the Yankee skipper's name), who smiled all over his wrinkled face. It was quite enough. The gallant Britisher's face, too, brightened up with good-nature, the boatswain sounded his whistle, the savage guns disappeared in their ports; the yards were manned with jolly tars, and away streaked the admiral in his barge, skimming the sullen water, towards the Yankee, under a heavy cannonade of grape. The ladies, loving and affectionate souls! couldn't stand it another minute, and, with a Joan of Arc heroism, volunteered to follow the gallant admiral, for the purpose of seeing that their sweethearts and husbands were not seriously wounded by the Commander's grape and other missiles most dangerous. Again loud reports were heard--pop! pop! pop!--ziz! ziz! ziz! went the shots of ordinary mixture: then whole broadsides began to be poured into the belligerents in grand style. After a few hours' cannonading, all was again bustle and confusion; wounded men were seen tumbling over the sides of the ship, fair ladies became unfairly terrified, and then, disgusted with the cowardice of their husbands and sweethearts, might be seen nearly fainting in the arms of gallant officers. After the whole affair was over, a great many wounded husbands, whose cases were extremely doubtful, were conveyed to their homes; others dreaded the application of Caudle lecture medicine from wives who had long preceded them to their domestic hearths. A facetious contemporary has described this great affair in the following graphic manner:

"On attempting to mount the stairs hung at the side, Commodore Shubrick, standing on the quarter-deck, let drive a fish-ball, which he held in his hand, and struck the Admiral a little below the left eye. The Admiral, nothing daunted, ran up the steps, his officers following close behind, and seized the Commodore by the hand, and gave him such a shaking as made him tremble again. General Gore, on reaching the 'poop,' was grossly insulted by the first lieutenant of the Princeton, who, in the most cool and deliberate manner, told him, if he would come below, he would give him 'something to eat.'

"The General, in reply, said he would like to catch him at it. And to show his courage he went below, when one of the middies at the foot of the companion-way took aim at the General with a champagne bottle, and let drive the contents into the General's glass. The Mayor of Halifax, and members of the Corporation, got into a skirmish with the marines. It seems that Alderman Nugent asked the boatswain, in a sneering sort of way, if they had any turtle on board. The answer was, 'No--but we've got turtle soup, if that will do for you.' The Mayor stepped up, and said he would rather have turtle soup than _fish_ any day. The boatswain answered that he was tired of hearing so much said about fish. For his own part, he didn't see anything in fish to fight about. If it was mutton, he was on hand for anybody. One word led on to another--by this time the steamer was crowded from stem to stern--until at length there was a general row; every man became a body corporate, and pitched into himself with right good will.

"The ladies got snappish on account of their husbands, and in turn pitched into the officers of the Princeton with their--eyes. The sailors were piped to quarters. Pistols were freely used. The 'big guns' were charged and fired, doing much damage to the feelings of the company, in the way of compliments. In short, it was the greatest battle ever fought in Halifax harbor, real or _sham_. After quarrelling in this way, until eight o'clock in the evening, and destroying all the eatables that could be found on board the Princeton, the invaders retired, and left the Commodore and officers to their reflections. The retreat was effected in _gallant_ style--so say the ladies. It is said that the Commodore has sent a despatch to Washington, informing the authorities of the insult received. We earnestly entreat that our American contemporaries will fully discuss this serious matter, on account of the honor of the 'stars and stripes,' to say nothing of the 'fish story.'

"'Now, Mr. Pierce, in this manner was a very grave question--the fish question, in which many millions had been spent for the purpose of pleasing diplomacy--put through a course of settlement. When will the wisdom of the two most free and enlightened nations of the earth devise some plan of mutual compromise, by which the interests of their subjects may be settled without giving to pedantic diplomatists the means to for ever keep alive an international agitation, which can only give out food for the very smallest of demagogues? We cannot and must not quarrel with Uncle John; no, our birthright, our freedom-loving spirit, our indomitable energy, our kindred institutions, and the interests of our commerce, should make stronger the bonds of peace. We must, in defiance of that pitiable ambition of political tools, who so interrupt the harmony that should exist between nations kindred in spirit and interests, continue our friendly relations. Let England lay aside her restrictions on commerce; let her apply to a better purpose those millions spent in useless attempts to enforce the observance of laws which only serve to cripple her energies; and let a policy mutually liberal serve to elevate that international forbearance which is the father of the greatest good,' thought I. At this juncture, Mr. Pierce's black pig, always found where he was not wanted, was discovered in the after cabin, which he disputed with every one who attempted to enter, until at length it was voted that I should capture him, and convey him safely home to Mr. Pierce at Washington:--which, be it understood, was done, though not without a struggle."

THE END.