Chapter XXIII

MR. SMOOTH PROPOSES TAKING MR. PIERCE'S FIGHTING BY THE JOB.

"Mr. Smooth, a young man of the fast school, has been calculating, during his tour in Europe, the saving it would be to nations if they would but let their wars out by the job to some enterprising fellow-citizen. He reckons, in a funny sort of way, he would then pay just in accordance to the amount and quality of thrashing it were necessary to inflict upon the enemy. That it would divest war of its glories, and ambitious men of their zeal, he never had a doubt. War taken by the job, at a given sum for thrashing the enemy right soundly, would resolve itself into a mere trading commodity, fit only to be dabbled in by shopkeepers and stockbrokers. By this turn in national affairs, Kings and Czars might curtail their ambition, and their devoted subjects, being paid to fight by the lump, would hurry through their contract. General Pierce, too, would find it decidedly more convenient, inasmuch as it would save his benevolent people the trouble of inflicting that most unwarrantable rebuke--sending bread to the hungry people at Greytown he has made homeless with his bombshells. Smooth leans no disrespect to Mr. President Pierce, who, since his wondrous victory over the Mosquitoes, has disappointed the world by demonstrating the singular fact that he has a gunpowder policy, which he developes when he can find objects sufficiently small for his purposes. Heretofore, Smooth had got an idea in his head (crosswise he admits), that if Mr. President Pierce had anything assimilating to a policy, it must be like his grandmother's hard cider--the longer it remained exposed the flatter it became. That this was an egregious mistake, is fully proven to a mistaken world by the dauntless and immortal Admiral Hollins (he should be promoted to the rank), who, to give positive evidence of the size of his master's spirit, just battered down a defenseless town or two. It may turn out that the bombshelling was only to practice a little in that sort of gunnery, and that using up the property of American citizens to illustrate the war principles of Uncle Sam was merely an evidence of spunk in Mr. Pierce, who expected his people to knock under.

"Smooth has been at the White House, seeing Mr. Pierce, and cautioning him about the look of things abroad, lest they get kind of snarled up.

"Being a genuine New Englander, with real Puritanic blood in his composition, Smooth considered himself a good sort of man,--rather a desirable neighbor, conscientious, extremely disinterested, and always ready to do a bit of a good turn, never forgetting number one. Smooth was just going to ask the Gineral if this was not so, when he smiled so free and easy that it settled the point shorter.

"'Now, Smooth, you've seen a good deal, I reckon, and must be a man of profound opinions: tell us, are we going to get fuzzled up in the breakers on the other side of the big pond?' inquired the Gineral, looking so serious that Smooth made it a point to get his ideas squared up.

"'Somethin for us citizens to have a go-in-at, you means, I s'pose?'

"'Yes!' replied the Gineral.

"Smooth reckoned 'twas best to have an understanding about how much he was going to get from Uncle Sam's chink-locker for doing the thrashing for these United States afore he said much about what was going on in the world. Uncle Sam was a good old soul, and, seeing that he did not keep the best cash account in the world, Smooth had no objection to entering into the tin business with him, now that he had a large stock on hand. Smooth, however, must make one single proviso, and that is, that he be always permitted to work out the p's and q's of his own demands.

"'Ah!' replied the Gineral, good-naturedly; 'Smooth, you're a sharp fellow, with gumption enough to see through a thing or two; but remember, if we contract for the licking, with some enterprising individual, we must pay by measurement. There's the democracy to please, the country to satisfy, Young America to provide with clean shirts! I thought my gallant fellow Hollins would have done that when I sent him to _let strip_ at the Greytowners; but, as the result was different, a body can't always tell how such things 'll turn, I now think of letting him out to the Emperor of Russia, who having granted him means of developing his fighting capacity, by investing him with full power to thrash the allied fleets of England and France, would not hesitate to pay a large amount of revenue into the treasury of these United States for his daring services. But you see, Smooth, my government is merely an experiment, which may or may not please, and in this sense your experience will be extremely valuable.'

"Smooth saw Mr. President Pierce wanted experience; but, at the same time, he was fearful the General would get the points, and out-general him. However, as it was always better to have confidence in each other when pursuing a political question, and knowing the General to be a sort of clever fellow, ready to do almost anything, he entered upon the decyphering. There was the S.S.S. (Sickles, Souley, and Saunders) Company, doing a slap-up business in Europe! He must have them thrown in. While the head of the firm was generously lending a hand to turn mother monarchy out of doors, and the in-door partner was making sad use of the stock in trade (which consisted of a very large supply of letter-writing material, only to be used for disseminating republican principles), the junior of the house, taking advantage of the opportune moment, thought it quite in keeping with the spirit of the times to make a spec on his own account; and to that end the said junior partner (not the least sagacious of the three), with a bill of sale of Cuba in his pocket, had just stepped over to Washington to consummate the purchase, and revel awhile in the damask of the White House. Borland, finding no more congressional faces to smash in Washington--from which city it was considered General Pierce had removed an intolerable perplexity by sending him to foreign parts--had been recompensed by the smashing of his own, in Central America, where he had raised a tolerable sort of a breeze. He, too, must be thrown in. Seymour, the blue-stocking governor, of whom so much was expected, and whose mission to the god of all the Rushas, American statesmen looked upon with great anxiety, it was currently reported had burrowed in a snow-bank somewhere in the interior of the amiable Czar's vast dominions, not one word having been heard of him for the last nine months. That he had not lent material aid to the fighting Cossack, was a source of grievous dissatisfaction to Young America.

"Smooth spread all these things out before the Gineral, just as clear as water. To get Cuba--which was not just ready to hook on--and St. Domingo, that it would take some nice diplomacy to make consider the annexation question, and a few slices more of Mexico, ready to make fast any moment; the Sandwich Islands, yearning to get in; Central America, hardly worth taking in, but nevertheless acceptable, on the ground of carrying out the universal plan, and Canada only requiring a little more coaxing, Smooth thought the cost could be reckoned down to a close figure. But there was Uncle Johnny, and his newly-coined friend Louis Napoleon, to be kept shy while all this was going on; and just there the plague and expense of the thing hung. However, Smooth scratched his head, and made up his mind to enter into a bargain to do the licking at a fair showing, cash down. As to the brush between Nicholas and his neighbor--unhappy wretches; one always wanting to steal the bits of stray territory--Smooth found it painful to keep his fingers out; but there was this to be taken into consideration: the getting his fingers in might be the getting out of his commerce, which said commerce was the model machine of the Model Republic's power.

"Mr. President Pierce fully believed that Nicholas of all the Rushas had got his eye set to the East, notwithstanding he had quite enough to do in the West; and, though he declared himself moved only by christian visions, it seemed curious enough that he had not the slightest objection to raising most un-christian wars. Nicholas was shrewder than a Connecticut tin pedlar, and more ambitious than a South Carolina politician, who, ever and anon, is ready to war with the Britishers, because the _fools_ obstinately refused to admire slavery. Nicholas had got himself into an interminable fix. Mr. Pierce, merely to please the youthful democracy, would like to lend Nick a hand to unfix himself, but the hitherto dormant power of the nation quickens to action, and says, 'It won't do, Mr. General Pierce!' Forced to submit, the General consoles himself with the fact that his friend Nicholas will draw himself into his invulnerable shell, sing the Te Deums, and trust the fate of war, for a dozen years or so, to the All-wise Father.

"'Now, Gineral,' said Smooth, addressing himself to Mr. President Pierce, 'the items are all down!--there will be warm work, depend upon it!--and seeing how Uncle Sam'll have to scratch in somewhere (just to make a point or two), Cousin Caleb and me will take the job of doing all the necessary fighting on both sides the big pond, and getting all the stray territory required to complete these United States, for eighty-six million dollars--two and a half per cent. off for ready money. Might as well let Smooth have the shiners, seeing how me and Caleb would give security to do the fighting up brown; and. then somebody was getting the tin out of Uncle Sam's big bag in a fast kind of way that nobody could explain. Smooth begged Mr. President Pierce to give the thing a few turns over in his head, and when the problem came as clear as daylight, send him his figure by the first post.' With this, Mr. Smooth retired to the National.