Chapter XXVI

SMOOTH ENCOUNTERS A COLONIAL JUSTICE OF STRANGE CHARACTER.

"Nova Scotia being what a South Carolinian would call a hard country to live in (though the people were proverbially kind, and hospitable, and loyal, and simple-minded), Smooth, like many other special ministers, resolved to give up his mission in disgust, and, without further delay, seek the arms of General Pierce. However, before quitting the province, he visited the shores of Cape Breton (an island belonging to Her Most Gracious Majesty), and there met with a singularly eccentric character of the name of Belhash. This Belhash added to a figure of great rotundity a square, red face, small hazel eyes, a heavy, flat nose, a low, reclining forehead, and a head covered with red, crispy hair, which he took great pains to part in the centre. The only expression the Squire's face could lay claim to was that of a pumpkin burned ripe in the sun. When in his favorite dress of blue-grey homespun, which he judiciously arranged (for Belhash was a Squire), no greater functionary lived on the island; that is, in his well-developed opinion of himself! His principal law business consisted in settling all disputes arising between the people on shore and the Yankee fishermen who, against the law, infested the coast, and for whom the Squire had a hatred he always made known in his decisions. To Belhash the Americans were all of a flock, they would steal, smuggle, take a Nova Scotiaman's eyeteeth out, and, what he most hated, concoct some republican plot to overthrow his darling government. 'Now,' said the Squire to me, one day, 'I have no bad opinion of you individually, Smooth; for, by the righteous, you're a sort of clever feller--an exception to Yankees in general--nor do I think you'll steal!'

"I said, 'No, I didn't think I would!' And he continued: 'You must see I am something of a man here on these shores; in fact, sir, some call me very distinguished; but I hardly think I have arrived at that yet, though the honorable attorney-general of the province, when this way lectioneerin about a year ago, in referring to my position in administering the law, said: 'That distinguished gentleman, Squire Belhash, than whom none is loyaler, or more capable of administering the law;' he did, sir, I assure you!'

"Of course I bowed to this, and declared the compliment as merited as handsomely bestowed. And then he continued: 'You see now, sir--and it's no small compliment to a man in this out of the way part of the world!--I holds her Majesty's commission to alienate (some call it demonstrate) the laws of the land.' Here the Squire's face broadened and got redder, and the flashy handkerchief seemed too small for the organic conformation of his big blue-veined neck.

"'Now and then, though, I gets a law case so confoundedly cross-grained, that I'se forced to call in Lawyer Songster (he's a cute un, ye know), afore I can get the point o'nt halucinated. Then, Smooth, you see, I isn't one a them kind a folk what run after bigified gentry; and that's how I'se got where I has! A squire in this part of the world is somebody, I assure ye, sir. Then, what's more, I've always bin as loyal as a body could be; but, remember ye, I warn't on the Tory side, and for the very reason that they never appreciated native talent and native larnin. Them were the days,' said the Squire, accompanying the words with a sort of political flourish, what tried the souls of us county-folk. Tory Johnson, and Radical Joe Howe, used to come this way lectioneerin, and set the whole country by the ears; what folk neither of 'em winned over to his party they were sure to get drunk; and poor folks were so fascinated with politics there was no getting a stroke of work done for a month after. Joe Howe, see ye I was a perfect Jones on politics--was what them that know most about politics called a champion of free suffrage; and, what was more nor all, worked himself up from the use of a printer's stick to holding a stick of stronger cast over the whole province, not even excepting our own country. In fact, he kicked Sir Rupert George out of the Colonial Office only for himself to be kicked in. Well, Joe said if I'd put in the strong talk, and lectioneer for him and the radicals, he'd make me Squire when he got in the _place_--and he kept his word, you see. Joe once see'd me try a case, and he was so taken with it, there was no describin' his feelins. I take it you'd think natur had done her part for me in knowin' so much 'bout law, if ye'd see me put a case through.'

"The Squire had it all his own way, Smooth not having a chance to put in a word edgewise. 'But, seem' how you cussed Yankees has upset everything in trade along the coast, I isn't so rich as I used to be. There wor a time when my little store was as good a gold mine as you could turn up in Californey; I could get any kind of a price for goods; and New England rum, what I liquidated with a sprinklin of Jamaica, sold as quick as gold-dust at fifteen shillins a gallon.'

"Here, by the way of diversifying the conversation, I inquired if he remembered the Queen, in the way of _duties paid!_

"The Squire opened his spacious mouth, showed his great shark-like teeth, threw away his worn quid, gave his eyes a significant roll sideways, laughed out heartily, and with his left fist added a warning pinch under my left ribs. 'Don't ask that unanswerable question! The custom-house was so far off that nobody thought it any harm to smuggle, just a little! Bless ye! Mr. Smooth, why (here Belhash wiped his face with a flashy Spitalfields) the Rector used to get all his tea smuggled; nor a bit of harm did he think it. But, times ain't as they wos then, nor did folks deal so much in politics and Yankee notions.' Here the Squire gave his head a significant twist, as his face glowed as expressive as a fatherly pumpkin of venerable age. After another dissertation on the mode of administering the laws of the land, he invited me into his law establishment, which was the kitchen of a somewhat dilapidated farm-house, of very small dimensions, clapboarded and shingled after the old style. I (Smooth) said there could be no objections to this proceeding, and so, following him very cheerfully into the kitchen, he fussed about for some time among what seemed the cookery arrangements, and at length drew from a chest that stood firmly fixed under an old deal table near a spacious fire-place, in which was a monster back-log, from behind which the ferret eyes of three mischievous urchins peered curious and comical, his judicial suit. Again from the chest the Squire drew forth a large steel chain, and a very mysterious-looking book, and began decorating himself in the most shocking manner. This done, he repaired to the door, in all his profuseness, and seated himself on a block of wood just outside, where as if suddenly becoming conscious of the absence of something very necessary to his personal appearance, he doffed his coat, rolled up his shirt-sleeves, and what, readers, do you suppose he commenced doing?--Getting up the dignity! With nothing less than a pound of chalk before him, he commenced polishing up a steel chain that might on an emergency have served to chain up a very large bull-dog; but the Squire adapted it to the more fashionable use of adorning himself, and making safe his ponderous pinchbeck watch. Belhash now puffed, and blowed, and swore, and sweated, and piled on the chalk, and rubbed and tugged criss-crass his knee, until, with the motion and fritting, he had well nigh covered his cloth with the white substance, from the knee downward. Getting it to the dignity point of brightness he invited me back into his forum, which served the double purpose of kitchen and law-shop. Here he again smothered himself in an extra coat of judicial homespun, and solicited my assistance in securing the bandanna tight about his neck. 'I looks somethin' of a judge, I take it, now?' he said, waiting my approval of his personal appearance, as he fingered the broad turn of his shirt-collar, which seriously threatened his ears and chin. I said I never saw a judicial gentleman look more upish. In fact, nobody could deny that in clothes the Squire was all consequence; and when he loomed into 'Court,' all over the steel chain, believe it, there were bows and servilities without stint. Taking his seat on a high birch block, the plank table being set before him, on which to spread his inseparable law-book, the plaintiffs and defendants assembled, and took seats on a wooded bench in front. 'All persons whatsoever havin' any business whatever with this 'ere court--Squire Belhash sitting--must come for'ard now or never,' cries out at the top of a deep sonorous voice a little scraggy-looking Scotchman, who, without coat or vest (his shirt-sleeves rolled up, and the right leg of his nether garment tucked away beneath a coarse deck-boot), acted the double part of usher and constable. Again directing a few legal phrases to the Squire, who bowed acknowledgingly, he turned to those present--hoped gentlemen would take their hats off, and spit in the fire-place, seeing how the Court had been newly sanded.

"Having examined a paper, somewhat judicially, the Squire, with an air of dignified endurance, turning to his usher, said:--'Well, I reckon, it's best to try the case of Hornblower versus the herrins!' Down he laid Justice's Guide. It seemed that on the previous night sundry fishing nets had by some mysterious process been relieved of their burden. This, one of the Squire's sons charged to the ingenuity, and, as he set forth without fear or trembling, stealing propensities of one skipper Hornblower, who at this time sailed a saucy-looking craft called the 'Virtue of Cape Cod.' This Hornblower was one of the independent school, cared not seven coppers for anybody, nor had the most virtuous respect for the nets of his neighbours; he looked the pink-perfection of a Cape Cod fisherman. The skipper rose before his accusers; his hard, weather-bleached face looking as if his intention to throw a harpoon into somebody was the very best in the world. Then his dark eyes flashed lightning at the Squire, who commanded the little Scotchman to read the indictment. This suspicious looking document set forth that one skipper Hornblower, of the schooner Virtue, had feloniously, and with malice aforethought, extracted from the nets of one James Belhash, son by lawful wedlock of the presiding justice, sundry herring, mackerel, and other fish--such as usually come into such nets, and are found on these Her Majesty's shores. Here the Squire interrupted by commencing an essay on the enormity of the crime; and concluded with the following pungent remark:--'Now, Hornblower, I knows, without ginning a look in the law-book, you're guilty; there's always stealin done when you're about the shore. Anyhow! what say ye for yourself? Remember, you're in a Magistrate's Court--in the presence of a justice of the peace!'

"'So far as that is concerned, I'll knock under, Squire; but I just wants to see yer prove a thing or two afore ye come possum over this salt-water citizen!' returns Hornblower, spunkily, pulling from the pocket of his pea-coat a fascinating wedge of tobacco, which so tempted the Squire that he could not resist reaching out his hand and supplying his spacious mouth. As nature, ever erring, should be generous to nature, so also did I interrupt here by offering to plead Hornblower's case; to which meritorious object I commenced taking off my coat.

"'Don't want nobody to soft-soap the case--especially a Yankee--for there's the law in that ar' book (here the high functionary turned down the corner of the very page on which it stood forcible to his mind), and I knows all about it--d----d if I don't!'

"'Swearin' ain't judiciary, Squire!' says I.

"'Tain't none a' your business,' he rejoined, letting his anger get above his caution. 'Call Jacob--he'll swar t' what he see'd the skipper do!' Here Jacob, a younger son of the Squire, was called. Jacob had seen some seventeen summers; and in addition to what larnin' the Squire had 'gin him,' was well up in the swearing business, for the furtherance of which his abilities were frequently invoked.

"'There is not a man long shore what don't know and respect Jacob,' continued the Squire, shutting up his law book, angrily. 'Jacob's a son a' mine--Jacob 's got larnin, too--Jacob 's bin more nor two years to Master Jacques's school at the corner; and he has taken Master Jacques's place many a time when that larned gentleman had taken a drop too much. Now, Jacob, tell all you know; and let it be just as straight!'

"'Well, Dad,' ejaculated Jacob, who, one might seriously have inferred, had been raised on a guano bag, and slipped very unexpectedly into a suit of linsey-woolsey grey mixed; 'I see'd the Virtue at anchor right broad off the nets, which the skipper kept a facksinatin eye on, as he paced up and down the quarter-deck.'

"'The devil you did!' Hornblower cried out, at the top of his deep, coarse voice, letting fly a stream of juice that e'en most skinned the Squire's nasal organ.

"'Dan'l!--d----mn it! bring a bucket here for the skipper!' interrupted the Squire. He hoped Jacob would continue with the remainder of his evidence. 'And the skipper looked so all-fired strong at the nets that I couldn't help tellin Uncle Enoch how they'd be stripped afore morning. Sure enough, just as I said, there warn't a herrin left in the mornin. Seeing how the game war' going, I went aboard to take breakfast with the skipper; and there, if his table warn't spread with the fattest fried fresh herrin--'

"'That's all ye knows, ain't it, Jacob? That's more en enough; my own mind was made up afore I read the law, and heard the testimony,' rejoined the Squire, looking suddenly wise. 'Yes, dad!' emphatically returned Jacob, 'but I know'd they were the very same herrin, by the taste on 'em: they tasted as if they wor stolen!' And Jacob having delivered himself of this tart and somewhat strange rejoinder, gave his shoulder a significant shrug, as he watched dad's eyes, without faltering.

"'That's plump testimony--there's no coming yer Yankee twist over that! Ye see, Hornblower, I knows the hang of the law, slap up. The public should know these outrages; the Parliament should be apprised of such breaches of law and moral honesty; the Home Government should know what cussed pests the Yankees are! We don't want you here at all, Hornblower; you've turned pedler, and upset all our trade--there now!' Here the Squire worked himself up into a perfect fever of excitement, pressing his law-book firmly on the table while addressing his legal observations to his auditory. 'I shall pronounce you guilty, Hornblower, and judge you to pay a fine of twenty pounds currency, according to the sovereign law of this Her Most Gracious Britannic Majesty's province.'

"I interrupted by telling him to go-ahead. 'Squire, if you warn't so fast, I'd try to get a word in edgewise for Hornblower,' said I. But, before the Squire had time to retort, Hornblower himself took up the weapon. 'Great Jehu----e! Squire,' he ejaculated, 'you know no more about the law than Dobbin Dobson's donkey--ye hain't worth two cents!' Hornblower's face blazed with red rage, and the Squire got himself all on his pins.

"'Keep your clapper shut, Hornblower,' returned the Squire, telling Hornblower, how, if he doubted his capacity for the law business, he would read him Haliburton's opinions, and convince him that they precisely conformed with his. 'Remember you're in the presence of a Justice of the Peace!' he added, as Hornblower replied by informing him that so long as he was before him nothing more was necessary to remind him of the fact. Then he begged the Squire to keep cool, and not get into a fuzzle: and after he had bestowed some sharp retorts, in not very fashionable language, which he hoped the Squire would not take as personal, he made an explanation of the whole thing. 'Go on,' rejoined the Squire, getting warmer and warmer.

"'Well,' returned Hornblower; 'first I motion to adjourn the Court and go drink all round, at your store; after which I further motion that Jacob and me go down into the cellar of your house--'

"'Into my cellar!' interrupted the Squire, suddenly: 'not a step!--I'se settled the case, and there's no moving judgment.'

"Here Hornblower charged the Squire with having a suspicious quantity of fresh herring in his own cellar. 'I don't say how they got there this morning afore daylight, Squire,' said he, 'but there's a citizen not far off what will.'

"'It's the ram--d----d'st false ever told against a gentleman of my high standing!'

"'What is Squire?' interpolated Hornblower, keeping as cool as the face of a March morning. Why!' returns the Squire, 'to say I stole 'em myself!'

"'There can be no mistaking it Squire,' chimes in Hornblower; 'and the stronger evidence is the fact of your being the only son of a man who has yet preferred the charge of stealing them. Now, Squire, I'll stake the schooner Virtue, that on proceeding into your cellar the herring will be recovered and injured justice satisfied: just grant us a warrant to search your cellar, Squire.' Here Hornblower looked thunder and lightning at the Squire whose wrath and misgiving seemed carrying out a sad conflict in his heart. The result was a strange clatter of tongues. Notwithstanding the Squire's estimate of his own popularity, the good people on the coast well understood his singular process of doing up the law business. 'You'll get your straight ups to jail, or pay the coin right down, Hornblower!' demanded the Squire, making a flourish with his law-book, and preparing to adjourn for the purpose of doing a small quantity of drinking.

"'The Squire's a humbug!--he is!--I'll blow the Court to thunder. Just clar the kitchen,' cried out the skipper, stripping off his coat, as if to have a tug and hug with the Squire, who at that moment wanted to get a word in edgewise. The next Smooth saw, the Squire was letting fly at Hornblower's head the law-book; which rather summary demonstration was replied to by a stream of tobacco juice, with which Hornblower blinded the Squire, setting him nearly frantic. By the way, the law-book missed its intended object, and stormed the end of Uncle Seth Sprague's nose, nearly knocking off an inch or two.

"'Now, if that is Colonial law, Squire, I think how a little home-made Yankee justice won't be a bad application,' said Hornblower, making ready to administer the medicine; then he squared off, and sent his mauler right into the Squire's dumplin depot, so sharp and strong, as to produce a decided conviction. At length the Squire was floored, and found working the rule of three on the boards. Here the diplomacy became so warm, that Smooth having the very highest regard for Mr. Pierce and his fighting diplomatists who deemed getting up duels, and writing down editors very necessary preliminaries to their mission, thought he would withdraw, leaving the intricacy to Hornblower's settlement, seeing that he was producing the strongest kind of notes and protocols.