Chapter LXXVI: In Self-Gratulation

If to remember deeds whilòme well done be a pleasure
Meet for a man who deems all of his dealings be just,
Nor Holy Faith ever broke nor in whatever his compact
Sanction of Gods abused better to swindle mankind,
Much there remains for thee during length of living, Catullus, 5
Out of that Love ingrate further to solace thy soul;
For whatever of good can mortal declare of another
Or can avail he do, such thou hast said and hast done;
While to a thankless mind entrusted all of them perisht.
Why, then, crucify self now with a furthering pain? 10
Why not steady thy thoughts and draw thee back from such purpose,
Ceasing wretched to be maugrè the will of the Gods?
Difficult 'tis indeed long Love to depose of a sudden,
Difficult 'tis, yet do e'en as thou deem to be best.
This be thy safe-guard sole; this conquest needs to be conquered; 15
This thou must do, thus act, whether thou cannot or can.
If an ye have (O Gods!) aught ruth, or if you for any
Bring at the moment of death latest assistance to man,
Look upon me (poor me!) and, should I be cleanly of living,
Out of my life deign pluck this my so pestilent plague, 20
Which as a lethargy o'er mine inmost vitals a-creeping,
Hath from my bosom expelled all of what joyance it joyed,
Now will I crave no more she love me e'en as I love her,
Nor (impossible chance!) ever she prove herself chaste:
Would I were only healed and shed this fulsome disorder. 25
Oh Gods, grant me this boon unto my piety due!

If to recall good deeds erewhiles performed be pleasure to a man, when he knows himself to be of probity, nor has violated sacred faith, nor has abused the holy assent of the gods in any pact, to work ill to men; great store of joys awaits thee during thy length of years, O Catullus, sprung from this ingrate love of thine. For whatever of benefit men can say or can do for anyone, such have been thy sayings and thy doings, and all thy confidences have been squandered on an ingrate mind. Wherefore now dost torture thyself further? Why not make firm thy heart and withdraw thyself from that [wretchedness], and cease to be unhappy despite the gods' will? 'Tis difficult quickly to depose a love of long growth; 'tis difficult, yet it behoves thee to do this. This is thine only salvation, this is thy great victory; this thou must do, whether it be possible or impossible. O gods, if 'tis in you to have mercy, or if ever ye held forth help to men in death's very extremity, look ye on pitiful me, and if I have acted my life with purity, snatch hence from me this canker and pest, which as a lethargy creeping through my veins and vitals, has cast out every gladness from my breast. Now I no longer pray that she may love me in return, or (what is not possible) that she should become chaste: I wish but for health and to cast aside this shameful complaint. O ye gods, vouchsafe me this in return for my probity.

LXXXVIII.

Quid facit is, Gelli, qui cum matre atque sorore
Prurit et abiectis pervigilat tunicis?
Quid facit is, patruom qui non sinit esse maritum?
Ecqui scis quantum suscipiat sceleris?
Suscipit, o Gelli, quantum non ultima Tethys 5
Nec genitor lympharum abluit Oceanus:
Nam nihil est quicquam sceleris, quo prodeat ultra,
Non si demisso se ipse voret capite.

LXXXVIII.

TO GELLIUS.

What may he (Gellius!) do that ever for mother and sister
Itches and wakes thro' the nights, working wi' tunic bedoffed?
What may he do who nills his uncle ever be husband?
Wottest thou how much he ventures of sacrilege-sin?
Ventures he (O Gellius!) what ne'er can ultimate Tethys 5
Wash from his soul, nor yet Ocean, watery sire.
For that of sin there's naught wherewith this sin can exceed he
---- his head on himself.

What does he, Gellius, who with mother and sister itches and keeps vigils with tunics cast aside? What does he, who suffers not his uncle to be a husband? Dost thou know the weight of crime he takes upon himself? He takes, O Gellius, such store as not furthest Tethys nor Oceanus, progenitor of waters, can cleanse: for there is nothing of any crime which can go further, not though with lowered head he swallow himself.

LXXXVIIII.

Gellius est tenuis: quid ni? cui tam bona mater
Tamque valens vivat tamque venusta soror
Tamque bonus patruos tamque omnia plena puellis
Cognatis, quare is desinat esse macer?
Qui ut nihil attingit, nisi quod fas tangere non est, 5
Quantumvis quare sit macer invenies.

LXXXVIIII.

ON GELLIUS.

Gellius is lean: Why not? For him so easy a mother
Lives, and a sister so boon, bonny and buxom to boot,
Uncle so kindly good and all things full of his lady-
Cousins, how can he cease leanest of lankies to be?
Albeit, touch he naught save that whose touch is a scandal, 5
Soon shall thou find wherefor he be as lean as thou like.

Gellius is meagre: why not? He who lives with so good a mother, so healthy and so beauteous a sister, and who has such a good uncle, and a world-*full of girl cousins, wherefore should he leave off being lean? Though he touch naught save what is banned, thou canst find ample reason wherefore he may stay lean.

LXXXX.

Nascatur magus ex Gelli matrisque nefando
Coniugio et discat Persicum aruspicium:
Nam magus ex matre et gnato gignatur oportet,
Si verast Persarum inpia relligio,
Navos ut accepto veneretur carmine divos 5
Omentum in flamma pingue liquefaciens.

LXXXX.

ON GELLIUS.

Born be a Magus, got by Gellius out of his mother
(Marriage nefand!) who shall Persian augury learn.
Needs it a Magus begot of son upon mother who bare him,
If that impious faith, Persian religion be fact,
So may their issue adore busy gods with recognised verses 5
Melting in altar-flame fatness contained by the caul.

Let there be born a Magian from the infamous conjoining of Gellius and his mother, and he shall learn the Persian aruspicy. For a Magian from a mother and son must needs be begotten, if there be truth in Persia's vile creed that one may worship with acceptable hymn the assiduous gods, whilst the caul's fat in the sacred flame is melting.

LXXXXI.

Non ideo, Gelli, sperabam te mihi fidum
In misero hoc nostro, hoc perdito amore fore,
Quod te cognossem bene constantemve putarem
Aut posse a turpi mentem inhibere probro,
Sed neque quod matrem nec germanam esse videbam 5
Hanc tibi, cuius me magnus edebat amor.
Et quamvis tecum multo coniungerer usu,
Non satis id causae credideram esse tibi.
Tu satis id duxti: tantum tibi gaudium in omni
Culpast, in quacumque est aliquid sceleris. 10

LXXXXI.

TO GELLIUS.

Not for due cause I hoped to find thee (Gellius!) faithful
In this saddest our love, love that is lost and forlore,
Or fro' my wotting thee well or ever believing thee constant,
Or that thy mind could reject villany ever so vile,
But that because was she to thyself nor mother nor sister, 5
This same damsel whose Love me in its greatness devoured.
Yet though I had been joined wi' thee by amplest of usance,
Still could I never believe this was sufficient of cause.
Thou diddest deem it suffice: so great is thy pleasure in every
Crime wherein may be found somewhat enormous of guilt. 10

Not for other reason, Gellius, did I hope for thy faith to me in this our unhappy, this our desperate love (because I knew thee well nor thought thee constant or able to restrain thy mind from shameless act), but that I saw this girl was neither thy mother nor thy sister, for whom my ardent love ate me. And although I have had many mutual dealings with thee, I did not credit this case to be enough cause for thee. Thou didst find it enough: so great is thy joy in every kind of guilt in which is something infamous.

LXXXXII.

Lesbia mi dicit semper male nec tacet umquam
De me: Lesbia me dispeream nisi amat.
Quo signo? quia sunt + totidem mea: deprecor illam
Absidue, verum dispeream nisi amo.

LXXXXII.

ON LESBIA.

Lesbia naggeth at me evermore and ne'er is she silent
Touching myself: May I die but that by Lesbia I'm loved.
What be the proof? I rail and retort like her and revile her
Carefully, yet may I die but that I love her with love.

Lesbia forever speaks ill of me nor is ever silent anent me: may I perish if Lesbia do not love me! By what sign? because I am just the same: I malign her without cease, yet may I die if I do not love her in sober truth.

LXXXXIII.

Nil nimium studeo Caesar tibi belle placere,
Nec scire utrum sis albus an ater homo.

LXXXXIII.

ON JULIUS CÆSAR.

Study I not o'ermuch to please thee (Cæsar!) and court thee,
Nor do I care e'en to know an thou be white or be black.

I am not over anxious, Caesar, to please thee greatly, nor to know whether thou art white or black man.

LXXXXIIII.

Mentula moechatur. moechatur mentula: certe.
Hoc est, quod dicunt, ipsa olera olla legit.

LXXXXIIII.

AGAINST MENTULA (MAMURRA).

Mentula wooeth much: much wooeth he, be assured.
That is, e'en as they say, the Pot gathers leeks for the pot.

Mentula whores. By the mentule he is be-whored: certes. This is as though they say the oil pot itself gathers the olives.

LXXXXV.

Zmyrna mei Cinnae nonam post denique messem
Quam coeptast nonamque edita post hiemem,
Milia cum interea quingenta Hortensius uno
* * * *
Zmyrna cavas Satrachi penitus mittetur ad undas, 5
Zmyrnam cana diu saecula pervoluent.
At Volusi annales Paduam morientur ad ipsam
Et laxas scombris saepe dabunt tunicas.
Parva mei mihi sint cordi monumenta _sodalis_,
At populus tumido gaudeat Antimacho. 10

LXXXXV.

ON THE "ZMYRNA" OF THE POET CINNA.

"Zmyrna" begun erstwhile nine harvests past by my Cinna
Publisht appears when now nine of his winters be gone;
Thousands fifty of lines meanwhile Hortensius in single
* * * *
"Zmyrna" shall travel afar as the hollow breakers of Satrax, 5
"Zmyrna" by ages grey lastingly shall be perused.
But upon Padus' brink shall die Volusius his annals
And to the mackerel oft loose-fitting jacket afford.
Dear to my heart are aye the lightest works of my comrade,
Leave I the mob to enjoy tumidest Antimachus. 10

My Cinna's "Zmyrna" at length, after nine harvests from its inception, is published when nine winters have gone by, whilst in the meantime Hortensius thousands upon thousands in one * * * * "Zmyrna" shall wander abroad e'en to the curving surf of Satrachus, hoary ages shall turn the leaves of "Zmyrna" in distant days. But Volusius' Annals shall perish at Padua itself, and shall often furnish loose wrappings for mackerel. The short writings of my comrade are gladsome to my heart; let the populace rejoice in bombastic Antimachus.

LXXXXVI.

Si quicquam mutis gratum acceptumve sepulcris
Accidere a nostro, Calve, dolore potest,
Quo desiderio veteres renovamus amores
Atque olim missas flemus amicitias,
Certe non tanto mors inmatura dolorist 5
Quintiliae, quantum gaudet amore tuo.

LXXXXVI.

TO CALVUS ANENT DEAD QUINTILIA.

If to the dumb deaf tomb can aught or grateful or pleasing
(Calvus!) ever accrue rising from out of our dule,
Wherewith yearning desire renews our loves in the bygone,
And for long friendships lost many a tear must be shed;
Certès, never so much for doom of premature death-day 5
Must thy Quintilia mourn as she is joyed by thy love.

If aught grateful or acceptable can penetrate the silent graves from our dolour, Calvus, when with sweet regret we renew old loves and beweep the lost friendships of yore, of a surety not so much doth Quintilia mourn her untimely death as she doth rejoice o'er thy constant love.

LXXXXVII.

Non (ita me di ament) quicquam referre putavi,
Vtrumne os an culum olfacerem Aemilio.
Nilo mundius hoc, niloque immundior ille,
Verum etiam culus mundior et melior:
Nam sine dentibus est: dentes os sesquipedales, 5
Gingivas vero ploxeni habet veteris,
Praeterea rictum qualem diffissus in aestu
Meientis mulae cunnus habere solet.
Hic futuit multas et se facit esse venustum,
Et non pistrino traditur atque asino? 10
Quem siqua attingit, non illam posse putemus
Aegroti culum lingere carnificis?

LXXXXVII.

ON ÆMILIUS THE FOUL.

Never (so love me the Gods!) deemed I 'twas preference matter
Or Æmilius' mouth choose I to smell or his ----
Nothing is this more clean, uncleaner nothing that other,
Yet I ajudge ---- cleaner and nicer to be;
For while this one lacks teeth, that one has cubit-long tushes, 5
Set in their battered gums favouring a muddy old box,
Not to say aught of gape like wide-cleft gap of a she-mule
Whenas in summer-heat wont peradventure to stale.
Yet has he many a motte and holds himself to be handsome--
Why wi' the baker's ass is he not bound to the mill? 10
Him if a damsel kiss we fain must think she be ready
With her fair lips ----

Nay (may the Gods thus love me) have I thought there to be aught of choice whether I might smell thy mouth or thy buttocks, O Aemilius. Nothing could the one be cleaner, nothing the other more filthy; nay in truth thy backside is the cleaner and better,--for it is toothless. Thy mouth hath teeth full half a yard in length, gums of a verity like to an old waggon-box, behind which its gape is such as hath the vulva of a she-mule cleft apart by the summer's heat, always a-staling. This object swives girls enow, and fancies himself a handsome fellow, and is not condemned to the mill as an ass? Whatso girl would touch thee, we think her capable of licking the breech of a leprous hangman.

LXXXXVIII.

In te, si in quemquam, dici pote, putide Victi,
Id quod verbosis dicitur et fatuis.
Ista cum lingua, si usus veniat tibi, possis
Culos et crepidas lingere carpatinas.
Si nos omnino vis omnes perdere, Victi, 5
Hiscas: omnino quod cupis efficies.

LXXXXVIII.

TO VICTIUS THE STINKARD.

Rightly of thee may be said, an of any, (thou stinkingest Victius!)
Whatso wont we to say touching the praters and prigs.
Thou wi' that tongue o' thine own, if granted occasion availest
Brogues of the cowherds to kiss, also their ----
Wouldst thou undo us all with a thorough undoing (O Victius!) 5
Open thy gape:--thereby all shall be wholly undone.

To thee, if to anyone, may I say, foul-mouthed Victius, that which is said to wind bags and fatuities. For with that tongue, if need arrive, thou couldst lick clodhoppers' shoes, clogs, and buttocks. If thou wishest to destroy us all entirely, Victius, thou need'st but gape: thou wilt accomplish what thou wishest entirely.

LXXXXVIIII.

Surripui tibi, dum ludis, mellite Iuventi,
Suaviolum dulci dulcius ambrosia.
Verum id non inpune tuli: namque amplius horam
Suffixum in summa me memini esse cruce,
Dum tibi me purgo nec possum fletibus ullis 5
Tantillum vostrae demere saevitiae.
Nam simul id factumst, multis diluta labella
Abstersti guttis omnibus articulis,
Ne quicquam nostro contractum ex ore maneret,
Tamquam conmictae spurca saliva lupae. 10
Praeterea infesto miserum me tradere Amori
Non cessasti omnique excruciare modo,
Vt mi ex ambrosia mutatum iam foret illud
Suaviolum tristi tristius helleboro.
Quam quoniam poenam misero proponis amori, 15
Numquam iam posthac basia surripiam.

LXXXXVIIII.

TO JUVENTIUS.

E'en as thou played'st, from thee snatched I (O honied Juventius!)
Kisslet of savour so sweet sweetest Ambrosia unknows.
Yet was the theft nowise scot-free, for more than an hour I
Clearly remember me fixt hanging from crest of the Cross,
Whatwhile I purged my sin unto thee nor with any weeping 5
Tittle of cruel despite such as be thine could I 'bate.
For that no sooner done thou washed thy liplets with many
Drops which thy fingers did wipe, using their every joint,
Lest of our mouths conjoined remain there aught by the contact
Like unto slaver foul shed by the butterèd bun. 10
Further, wretchedmost me betrayed to unfriendliest Love-god
Never thou ceased'st to pain hurting with every harm,
So that my taste be turned and kisses ambrosial erstwhile
Even than hellebore-juice bitterest bitterer grow.
Seeing such pangs as these prepared for unfortunate lover, 15
After this never again kiss will I venture to snatch.

I snatched from thee, whilst thou wast sporting, O honied Juventius, a kiss sweeter than sweet ambrosia. But I bore it off not unpunished; for more than an hour do I remember myself hung on the summit of the cross, whilst I purged myself [for my crime] to thee, nor could any tears in the least remove your anger. For instantly it was done, thou didst bathe thy lips with many drops, and didst cleanse them with every finger-joint, lest anything remained from the conjoining of our mouths, as though it were the obscene slaver of a fetid fricatrice. Nay, more, thou hast handed wretched me over to despiteful Love, nor hast thou ceased to agonize me in every way, so that for me that kiss is now changed from ambrosia to be harsher than harsh hellebore. Since thou dost award such punishment to wretched amourist, never more after this will I steal kisses.

C.

Caelius Aufilenum et Quintius Aufilenam
Flos Veronensum depereunt iuvenum,
Hic fratrem, ille sororem. hoc est, quod dicitur, illud
Fraternum vere dulce sodalitium.
Cui faveam potius? Caeli, tibi: nam tua nobis 5
Per facta exhibitast unica amicitia,
Cum vesana meas torreret flamma medullas.
Sis felix, Caeli, sis in amore potens.